Original subtitles

It's gonna be sunny and 75 this week,

-so if you were dreaming of a white Christmas... -Jim, hurry.

Amanda's doing the weather.

She does that every weekend.

Well, the Cowboys play every weekend.

You manage to watch them.

Well, when Mandy has a chance at the Super Bowl, I'll tune in.

Hey, I'm trying to listen to my wife.

Sometimes she quizzes me.

Thanks, y'all, for watching and writing.

Keep those letters coming,

except for you, Bruce from Texarkana.

You will never see my feet, Bruce. Stop asking.

So, Merry Christmas,

and from the bottom of my heart,

I am happy to fill in around here if anyone gets sick

or, God forbid, has a death in the family.

Smooth.

Speaking of Christmas,

have you talked to your mother?

I'm just trying to figure out our plans

and how to make things perfect,

but whatever you want's fine by me.

And the smooth keeps coming.

Of course, your mom got CeeCee on Christmas last year,

so it seems like it's our turn,

but I don't want to be difficult. That's her job.

I'll talk to her.

No rush, I just need to let Santa know

if he should be making an appearance here.

Well, uh, the Cowboys are playing on Christmas,

so Santa's busy.

If CeeCee's gonna be here, Santa's gonna be here.

It's okay, I'm sure Santa can be in a lot of places at once.

But my granddaughter can't, so pick.

-Hey, I was thinking... -Oh, boy.

Hear me out. I know Mr. McAllister always closed

the week of Christmas, but what if we stayed open?

You want us to work on Christmas?

It's not crazy. Think of all the Jewish people

who might need tires.

How many Jewish people do you think are in Medford, Texas?

I know there'd be a lot more

if they could buy tires during Christmas.

No, not a chance. I need some time off.

Hear you loud and clear.

Although, Fagenbacher's gonna be closed,

so we'd be the only game in town.

Are you gonna keep badgering me until I say yes?

-Course not, I'll drop it. -Thanks.

It's just, we're in so much debt.

Come on, dude.

I'm thinking about you.

And all those Jewish people with flat tires.

Mm. You missed a good sermon this morning.

Pastor Jeff is always on fire during the holidays.

Remember that candlelight service when his sleeve

actually caught on fire?

I know he almost died, but that was funny.

I need some money.

Aren't you gonna say hi to your brother?

Hi. 40 bucks should do it.

I am not giving you $40.

But I have to buy a new bathing suit.

You have a perfectly good one.

That's a one-piece.

What's wrong with a one-piece?

Everyone in California wears bikinis.

Well, everyone in California's going to hell.

That's why God gave them earthquakes.

Oh, what's all this about California?

I told Sheldon that we would visit him for Christmas.

-Oh. -And...

I was hoping that you and Mandy and CeeCee might join us.

Oh, that's real nice, but I don't think we can.

You don't have to be around Sheldon the whole time.

That ain't why.

I mean, it ain't ain't why.

Well, I bet CeeCee would love to go on one of those buses

and see where the stars live.

She's two years old.

Well, maybe Barney's on that tour.

Look, I just can't take the time off of work.

I understand.

I knew it was a long shot.

You'll still have a good time.

You'll get to meet all of Sheldon's friends.

Oh, that's so sweet, you think Sheldon has friends.

-Jim? -In here.

What are you doing?

Taking a bubble bath. What do you think I'm doing?

Well, hurry up, I've got something to tell you.

All right, hold on.

What?

Mary's going to visit Sheldon.

We've got CeeCee all to ourselves.

You interrupted my business for that?

-Sorry, I was just excited. -Oh...

You're right, honey, it is exciting.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Why don't we ever go away for the holidays?

It's one of life's little mysteries.

We're retired.

We've got more money than Mary.

Why does she get to go away on vacation

when we're stuck sitting at home?

You were just so happy.

And you were just on the toilet. Things change.

Why don't we take the whole family to the beach?

Stay at a fancy hotel.

It could be our Christmas gift to everyone.

Let me think about it.

There's Fort Lauderdale.

Oh, we could do Miami.

I'm thinking! Go away.

So, we really want to be careful about not going overboard

with gifts for CeeCee this year.

We don't want her getting spoiled.

-Like Mandy? -Hey.

But yeah.

Well, actually...

we wanted to talk to y'all about your gifts.

Aw, you don't have to get us anything.

That doesn't apply to you.

You said we didn't need to do gifts this year.

Yeah, I say it, but you love me so much, you do it anyway.

That's how this works.

Tell them, Jim.

Your mother and I are taking you all to Miami for Christmas.

To a resort right on the beach!

-That's so nice. -Wow.

-But we always have Christmas here. -Jim?

I've been informed that this will be better.

Don't you want to try something different?

Different?

It's like you don't even know me.

You two want to go, right?

Actually, I was gonna keep the store open for the holidays.

Yeah, and I need to be available to fill in at the station.

What is wrong with you people?

We're trying to take you on a free vacation.

Yeah, free for them, not for me.

Seems like you're the only one that really wants to go, Mom.

That is not true. Jim?

Oh, come on!

Are we being selfish?

'Cause we'd rather make money

than sit on a beach and drink booze out of a coconut?

I don't think so.

Well, I got to tell you, I'm having second thoughts.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

I mean, the station's probably not gonna call me in.

We should go.

Besides, I think I'd like to see my husband on a beach

in a bathing suit and...

I'm praying to God... not cowboy boots.

I wouldn't wear my boots on the beach.

Maybe by the pool.

Well, just think about how cute CeeCee would be

playing in the sand.

How's that different than playing in a sandbox?

Uh, 'cause I'll be next to her getting a tan.

Come on, you work all week, I work on the weekends.

We never really get any real family time.

-You know what? Let's do it. -Yay.

Ooh, I'm gonna have to get a bikini wax.

Maybe I should get one.

Oh, sweetheart, you'd cry like a baby.

Come on, Ruben, don't be mad.

I cancelled my plans 'cause you convinced me

it was a good idea to keep the store open.

It is a good idea.

I just won't be here for it.

So I'm supposed to work while you go on vacation?

How about this, how about I just make it up to you

and I'll work on the next holiday?

So what, like Valentine's Day?

No, Valentine's Day ain't gonna work.

Maybe I'll just close the store, join my family in Mexico.

I thought you were Puerto Rican.

I am. They're vacationing in Mexico.

You can see why that was confusing.

So, I know I said I was gonna be available

to fill in, but my plans

changed, and I'm gonna be...

Oh, she is?

Oh, no.

Well, h-how long would you need me?

Oh, boy, you know, I just, I made so many promises

to so many... Let me call you back.

Hey, Daddy.

What's up?

Well, I was just, uh,

I was thinking about, uh, the trip,

and how excited I am.

Uh-huh.

You know, speaking of exciting things,

the station called, and the weeknight weather girl

got lice from her kid.

Ugh.

Yeah, it's a bad case. They may have to shave her head.

Are you trying to say you're not coming to Miami?

No, no, no, of course not. I was just

wondering if maybe we could leave two days later.

-Everything's already booked. -Yeah,

I know, I know, and I wouldn't ask,

but this is really important to my career, and...

this could be your gift to me.

The trip is my gift to you.

No, no, your trip

is the gift for everybody.

This could be your special gift to me.

Do you understand how expensive it'll be

to rebook everything on Christmas?

Yes, I know, that's why it would be so special.

Hey.

Hey. Um, did you talk to Ruben yet?

Yep. He wasn't happy about it,

but I let him know it's Christmas,

and my family comes first.

Great.

So, uh, hey, listen,

how would you feel about leaving two days later?

-Why? -So, uh, I can go to work and make us some money.

But I was gonna work and make us some money.

Aw, well, now, you don't have to. Merry Christmas.

Mandy, what is going on?

Okay, um, the station called, and they need me to fill in.

You were the one yapping about family time.

No, I know, but i-if I do the weeknight weather,

the next step is weekend anchor,

which puts me in spitting distance

of weeknight anchor, and that's basically

how Oprah got started, and don't you want your wife to be Oprah?

What about me? Don't you want me to be the Oprah of tires?

That makes no sense.

Well, there ain't no famous tire guy to compare to.

All right, fine, if you want me to give up

on this huge opportunity

for two extra days of family time, then I'll do it.

-Great. -I'm not doing it.

Michelin Man.

I could be the next Michelin Man!

I can't believe you gave in to her.

This is so like you.

Then it shouldn't be hard to believe.

And how much money did it cost to change those tickets?

Oh, it's Christmas, Audrey. It's not about the money.

-So, a lot. -A shocking amount.

I can't even remember why we wanted to do this.

We?

There's no "we," this is all you.

Don't you raise your voice at me.

I was on the toilet minding my own business.

Excuse me, when you fight,

it's the children who suffer.

Remember that.

McAllister Auto. We never tire of taking care of your tires.

Your sister is driving me crazy.

Something she never tires of, am I right?

Not in the mood, Georgie. I am at my wit's end.

-So am I. -Missy,

get off the phone.

Okay. Click.

I know you just made the click noise with your mouth.

What is going on?

Can your sister stay with you for Christmas?

What happened to California?

She wants me to spend the whole week

in some hellhole called Pasadena.

Sheldon is excited to show us his school.

It's nowhere near a beach.

So can she?

I wish she could, but...

I'm going to Miami with the McAllisters.

Really?

Because when I asked you

if you wanted to come to California,

you said you had to work.

Um... Click.

George Marshall Cooper.

I didn't plan it. It was their gift to us.

They're paying for the whole thing.

Oh, well, because they have money,

they get to spend Christmas with my granddaughter?

Wait, you're going to the beach? Take me with you, please.

I'm sorry, it's not my place to invite you.

Well, there you go, Missy.

Your brother picked his rich new family over us.

That ain't what's happening.

It's just, ever since Dad died,

I've been having such a hard time, and the holidays...

Cut that out.

It's so hard to be an orphan.

You are not an orphan. I am still alive!

So, it looks like that storm front

is gonna move off to the west,

leaving us with an unseasonably warm Christmas.

So, instead of milk and cookies,

maybe leave Santa some sunscreen and a Speedo.

And before I sign off,

I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday.

If only she were that nice in real life.

Hey, y'all.

You just missed Amanda.

Let me guess, gonna be sunny and warm?

Outside. In here, it's been a bit chilly.

Oh, stop it.

And cranky.

Anyways...

I was wondering if I could ask a huge favor about the trip.

Uh-uh. I'm not changing it again.

No changes, it's just my sister's

being a real pain in the ass to my mom,

and I thought maybe she could go with us.

You want to bring an angry teenage girl on our family trip?

Sounds like she'll fit right in.

She's only rude to my mom.

She's actually really sweet and responsible.

Well, then maybe she can babysit CeeCee

when we go out to dinner.

Oh, I ain't leaving my daughter alone with her.

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year... ♪

We're gonna miss our flight.

I told you we should've left earlier.

We should've left two days earlier.

Oh, so the traffic is my fault?

We'd already be on the beach if it wasn't for your career.

Well, someone has to pay off all the debt you put us in.

So is the hotel on the beach,

near the beach, what are we talking?

-Right on the beach. -Sweet.

If we get there.

That debt is 'cause I'm building a future for our family.

What do you think I'm doing?

Can you keep it down? I can't hear the Christmas music.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. You happy?

So what's the drinking age in Florida?

You're not drinking.

Well, I am, a lot.

At least that Christmas tradition isn't getting ruined.

All right, that is enough.

We paid a lot of money to take you on a wonderful trip,

so we're gonna stop our bitching and have

a magical family Christmas we'll remember forever.

Now, shut up and be grateful!

I'm grateful.

Thank you, Missy.

You are a doll.

Thanks.

I don't know why my mom hates you.

♪ It's the most wonderful time... ♪

You said the storm front was heading west.

Aw, you watched.

My hair is gonna frizz.

Maybe we should make a run for the hotel.

It'll pass.

Still better than Christmas with Sheldon.

♪ On the worst day of Christmas my parents gave to me ♪

♪ A trip to Miami ♪

♪ We all sat in traffic ♪

♪ The plane ran out of peanuts ♪

♪ They lost Mom's luggage ♪

♪ Didn't check in till midnight ♪

♪ Then it started raining ♪

♪ Dad ran in flip-flops ♪

♪ He fell and it was funny ♪

♪ The hotel bar ♪

♪ Served Missy liquor ♪

♪ She threw up in the bushes ♪

♪ Georgie caught a cold ♪

♪ Mandy got lice ♪

♪ But I got to watch you, which was nice. ♪

Back in Medford, Ruben said, "Screw this."

He closed the store

and joined his Puerto Rican family in Mexico.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, y'all. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

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