Original subtitles

For the purposes of the recording,

I'm showing miss hunter a photograph.

Exhibit reference rh008.

Why won't you look?

Why do you think?

Guilt?

I've told you everything that I know.

People are dead.

You wait too long to speak up,

you lose control of what happens next.

Ems, what's going on?

What are you doing here? Ems, it's 6:00 A.M.

He's having an affair!

That trip to New York?

Total fucking lie!

Come on.

Come on, sit down. Sit down.

Calm. Breathe.

Tell me what happened.

Okay, so... I was booking a surprise trip

for our fourth wedding anniversary.

- Yeah? - I went to check to see

if my passport was in date and...

Right there, next to mine... Was his.

The fuck?

Well...

I'm gonna say something as your best friend.

But, well, maybe Dan just wanted a little bit of...

- Me time. - Me time?

Well, it's not like he doesn't have form.

Remember when he told you he was at his mum's,

but he was actually on that bender with ajay?

- Yeah, that was different. - No.

He's probably with him right now, this second.

Sometimes, we all just need to push the pause button.

Dan's just pushing his.

And I think maybe you should do the same.

- Take a pause from Dan? - What?

No. From work, you muppet.

You've not just been, you know, you in ages.

Take a day off. I can cover.

I got you.

Fuck.

What the fuck am I doing here?

It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

- Go back to bed, please. - Are you sure?

Yes, please.

You can stay if you want.

No.

Let's never speak this ever again.

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

My god, your skin is so glowing.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Always.

- I love you. - I love you.

Fuck it.

- What are you doing? - Let's find out.

- Who are you calling? - Dan.

Emes, wait! Stop!

It's not what you think!

Please, just listen!

Emes!

Emes, wait! Stop!

Fuck!

I'm so sorry, ems. This is so fucked up.

Will you shut the fuck up?

How... my god.

Fuck.

Have you been do...

how long have you been doing... fuck!

You told us to hang out together.

- It's not our fault. - It's my fault.

Of course it is. Of course it's my fault.

- It's my fault. - Look, we should've told you.

We should've told you.

We were waiting for the right time.

Emily... Tell us what happened.

It started with the group.

What the fuck am I doing?

- My god! - Jesus bloody Christ!

- Where did you come from? - What's your problem?

Well, maybe don't sneak up on people.

I'm sorry. Did my face hurt your umbrella?

I've already rung the bell.

- So you here for the... - nope.

Maybe.

Someone's on edge.

Brilliantly observed. Gold star for you.

Pardon me, Mary poppins.

Pain... whispers.

It screams. Tires you out.

Makes you angry.

Makes you wonder if you'll ever feel happy again.

But pain, I promise you, is where healing begins.

Sorry we're late.

Once more and you're out.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Or am I?

Come, please.

Welcome to divorce support circle.

I'm Malcolm, sagittarius,

licensed therapist, and divorce survivor.

Now, over the next eight sessions,

we're here to figure out how to stop being angry

and start moving on.

And as punishment for being late,

why don't you kick us off?

What's your name and what brings you here?

Emily.

Taurus.

PR direct... former PR director.

Okay. Good, Emily.

What about you, madam?

- Me? - Yeah.

Hi. Hello, everyone.

I'm... I'm Rachel Koffman.

And I'm just really happy to be here.

It's really nice to meet you all.

Well, what to say about me?

Well, I'm a mum to two gorgeous children, lula and joshy.

And, well, I dog-sit for my parents,

their three little pups.

There's Chandler and Monica and schnorbitz the third.

Sorry, I'm babbling.

It's just because I'm shitting it.

Shit, sorry, sorry.

Are you allowed to swear here?

Swearing is obligatory, Rachel.

What about you, sir?

I'm calum.

My ex... I could never do anything right.

And when the money ran out, so did she.

I have a daughter, Bella.

It's the only thing that's kept me going this last year.

And no matter how messy it gets...

She'll always know I'm there.

Thank you, calum. Thank you.

Steven.

Former sergeant major, British army.

26 years.

Mainly infantry.

Married to sue for 20.

Look, I'll be honest with you.

I'm an imposter.

My old man said that when women reach 40,

they all go mad.

And that's what's happened to sue.

She told me to come here, so that's why I'm here.

And hopefully she'll get over all this... nonsense.

And... yeah.

Good work, Steven. Is it Steve or Steven?

Steven. With a "v."

Very good.

Yo!

What about you, bro?

I'm tej.

Sorry, tej. Do you mind?

Been divorced 6 months... 16 days.

My god, you're so young.

- Okay, thank you. - Sorry, sorry.

You know, I think about it sometimes.

Just making her go through what I've gone through.

Okay, that's not quite the kind of thing

we're aiming for, tej.

Let's refocus, shall we?

Right, great intros, everyone, thank you.

Now, I...

I'm so sorry. Please.

Rita, records clerk. Nice to meet you all.

I'm... I'm here because... I'm here.

Thank you, Rita.

Right. Let's see...

If we can turn all that chaos, yeah, into clarity

with an exercise Malcolm likes to call...

The pain-to-power pivot.

Pain-to-power pivot.

- Good. - Yes!

That's the kind of energy we need.

Okay, everyone, up on their feet.

Ready salted? Really?

Backbone of the British crisp.

Undisputed king of the salty snack.

Nah. Salt and vinegar.

Top of the league. Unbeatable.

Categorically and statistically, you're both wrong.

Cheese and onion are the best.

Riveting conversation.

I bet all you eat is that posh hand-cooked pish, poppins.

No.

I think we're forgetting our manners.

Thanks for the snacks, Karen.

Rita.

My wife would love this place.

She's got a thing for beams and low ceilings.

Beams are lovely.

Wish I'd used one to cave in my ex's brains.

Sorry.

Cheers to that!

Good morning. Message for Emily hunter.

It's haverleigh homes estate agents here again.

We urgently need your key for Ivy cottage

as the completion is today.

Can you please return it this morning?

Thank you.

No... no, please, no.

- What the fuck? - Please, look, ems.

It wasn't selling and we needed somewhere

- to live with the baby. - You bought our fucking home?

You'll still get your money.

Daddy bought it for us.

How could you not tell me?

Come on, ems, just don't start.

I'm sorry, Dan. Am I making a scene?

I cannot deal with this.

- Baby. - Wow.

You took my Dan, my job, and my home.

Congratulations, you conniving, evil,

fucking two-faced cow.

I did everything for you.

I found this house.

Like I found your wedding venue

and your honeymoon and even your shoes.

You let me be your sidekick, your shadow.

You're my best friend. I loved you.

You loved me being small, so you could feel big.

Come on, babe.

"I" is for "isolation."

"V," "volatility."

"O" is for "over analysis."

"R," "resignation."

"C" is for "clarity."

Maybe this had to happen.

And finally, "e."

"Emergence."

And these are Malcolm's seven stages of divorce.

Wow.

Do we have to call it that?

Don't say the word, mate. Just gives it power.

Like Voldemort.

It's not fear. I just hate it.

It's an arsehole of a word.

Just say it. "Divorce."

It's like sand.

It's all dry and scratchy in your mouth.

No, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Take me and Jack.

We uncoupled four months ago.

And... It's... it's fine. It's been fine.

You know, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

These things are just meant to be.

You know, the important thing to remember

is that divorce isn't a cliff.

No, no, no.

It's wide and open like a corridor.

I couldn't agree more, Malcolm.

I've actually read all the books.

- Corridor. - Lean in, lean out.

Divorce for dummies who married one.

The art of uncoupling.

Divorce your past, not your future.

- Books do not help. - Divorce.

You can do anything you want when you get the right tip here.

Hey.

So, I went to the house, dropped the keys off,

and there they all were.

Turns out her parents had bought them the house.

Dan's name might be on the deeds,

but he hadn't even bothered telling me.

What kind of people do that?

So your best friend stole your husband?

And then she stole your company?

I couldn't face work for months and then...

Her dad offered me peanuts to buy it

just to keep the lights on apparently but...

I was too wrecked to care, you know?

And now they're both living in your house?

Put everything into that place.

Everything.

That is brutal.

You just want to hurt them, don't you?

Scream at them.

Make them feel what you feel.

I've got a confession.

I'm not here by choice.

I was ordered by a court,

because I may have punched Charlotte in the face.

What?

- What? - No!

- All right. - All right.

I faked a pest control license

so I could inspect the TikTok tart's flat...

And found his clothes in there.

Shit.

Well, I... I spent thousands

on madame selene's mystic tarot readings.

And I... I don't even believe in that crap.

Don't believe in it.

I watched mamma Mia! 17 times in a row.

Aww. It's a lovely film.

I don't know why. I just, I couldn't stop it.

I slept in my wedding suit for a month after she dumped me.

I keep buying her favorite biscuits out of habit.

I don't even like them.

I mean, why do they just get to move on

and we just sit here?

Karma will get them.

Karma's a concept.

But revenge...

That's real.

Maybe it's time Dan and Charlotte

got a wee taste of their own medicine.

- You're not serious. - I'm sorry.

You can't treat people like that

and expect to get away with it.

Just, it's not right.

Just, you know what I'm saying?

Let's... mess with them a little bit?

But what could I do?

Not "I."

'Cause you won't be alone.

An eye for an eye.

Yeah, okay.

I'm in.

Come on, poppins.

If you could wish for anything... Anything...

What would it be?

Get... them... Out of my house.

Damn right.

Right. Operation Ivy cottage.

We need to lay the groundwork first.

We need to know her weak spots.

She's proper new age. You know, crystals,

chakras and all that woo-woo shit.

Wanker. We can work with that.

Use it to rattle her, drive her to the edge.

Watch the mandala, it's an original.

Phase one.

Strip the life, leave the bricks.

Dan, come here!

Remove the anchors.

Make the home feel hollow.

You need to find it!

Madam, you called and cancelled

- your removal this morning. - What?

For fuck's sake! What are you on about?

You were there, I watched you pack up all my stuff.

You need to sort this right now.

There's nothing to sort. It's logged right here.

- Phase two. - Hi, my lovely.

To flush 'em out, we flush ourselves in.

I'm actually the tarot reader.

I'm... I'm Esme nocturne.

- I am. - Yeah?

Into that sort of thing, yeah.

Come in.

Plant the seeds.

Little sign here. Little warning there.

Past ain't finished with her.

The tarot suggests sudden change.

Upheaval. Resistance.

Like, you know, staying in a place we're not meant to.

But we've only just moved in.

We're not going anywhere.

I didn't necessarily mean the house,

but interesting that your mind went there first.

Ooh... yeah.

The cards are saying... You can't outrun your shadow.

Phase three.

Sow doubt.

Feed a paranoia until she can't trust her own shadow.

All done here.

Happy to report no signs of rodent activity

and we sealed all potential entry points.

That should keep the street infestation out for now.

All my security cameras are in position.

Watch this. Ta-da.

And once we've done that, phase four,

the tipping point, something visceral,

her greatest fear, the point of no return.

And then we strike, tomorrow night.

- Sound good? - Calum!

- Calum! - Yo!

I've got the payload for you!

Come on up!

Stairs!

Why didn't you come up?

Height's not for me.

That's fair.

You know, roofings in the top ten most dangerous jobs.

Dick Van dyke made it look easy.

Yeah, he was a chimney sweep, poppins, not a roofer.

Ho-ho-ho!

You little beauties.

Thanks for dropping them off.

Can you imagine?

Dan and Charlotte, romantic dinner.

Chill music playing.

Then all the lights go out.

I drop these babies down the chimney.

And all you can hear is these bad boys

scratching and scampering.

See, when tej hits the lights again,

and these wee guys are doing the conga across the table,

well, by that point, I'd be looking for a new postcode.

You do realize the whole thing is insane, right?

Yeah. Fun, though.

- What if it goes wrong? - It won't.

Anyway, you won't be there, so no-one can pin it on you.

Still can't believe you guys are doing this for me.

Don't flatter yourself.

We're all selfish, broken buggers.

We're doing it for ourselves.

But, honestly, just say the word and it's off.

I think Steve will have four simultaneous strokes

if I back out now.

Yeah, he's proper intense, isn't he?

Are you scared of him?

A wee bit. You?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Right. 6:30 tomorrow night.

It's a lot, isn't it?

Everything.

I just want it to stop.

You know, you're not at all what I expected.

Same.

Dad, you're so extra.

Dad, you're so... it's my daughter. I need to go.

She's lucky. My dad didn't give a shit.

I thought maybe this would cheer you up.

You're always kind of... sad.

Before you, I didn't even know what happy was.

So if I ever seem sad, it's just because I miss you.

Okay?

Nearly forgot.

I... Made you these.

Wow.

- A not totally rubbish present. - No.

I put your name on them so nobody can Nick them.

That's so cool.

I'll use them tomorrow.

What's happening tomorrow?

You are coming, right?

Yeah, it's just... Yeah, your mum...

I'm sure your mum said it was next week.

I forgot that was tomorrow...

It's just, you always say you'll do stuff, but...

I'll be there. All right?

I swear.

Come in.

Why didn't you tell me about the show?

You said it was next week.

And it's called co-parenting, calum.

You're supposed to know this stuff without me.

It's here. It starts tomorrow at 8:00.

8:00? Okay, good.

All right... Shall we go as a family?

Bella? Come on, gonna be late.

- Bye, dad. - Bye, darling.

See you tomorrow.

- Thank you. - My lady.

You're too sweet.

Careful. Not outside.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

I'm still her husband.

Not where it counts.

Too much?

Who are you trying to impress?

Everyone coming has known us forever.

They know you, and they know me, but this is the first time

they're coming to our home and meeting us.

They are our friends.

They were her friends, too.

And this was her home, and... What?

We are good people.

All we're guilty of is falling in love.

And I... Love... Us.

I love us, too.

Right. Listen up.

Timeline check. 1901 hours.

Tej, switch on the wedding music.

1902 hours. Kill the lights.

1903 hours. Calum, rat drop.

1904 hours. Lights back on.

All units clear by 1905 hours.

1945 hours. Rendezvous at Emily's.

Roger. And out.

- Okay, all right. - Come on.

- You look nice. - Sorry?

Nothing.

Shit.

My friends.

Can I get anybody anything to drink?

Right. Listen up, everyone.

No one mess up tonight, okay?

Thank god you said something,

because I was absolutely planning on screwing this up.

Come on, lads, let's do this.

My heart is literally exploding.

Can you die of panic? Actually die of panic?

- Refreshments? - Hi.

Hi, it's Rita. Yeah.

More guests arrived.

I'll give you the all clear when everyone's inside.

- Copy. - Sorry.

- Roger. Off. - Copy.

Please confirm your position, 00-calum.

Regretting every life choice that led me to this moment.

- I'm ready as I'll ever be. - Great.

- Right on schedule. - Stand by, team.

Here we go.

Dad, you're so extra.

Bex, you...

- Calum? - Shit.

Emily, what's he doing?

Calum?

- Sorry. -Calum!

I'm sorry, guys.

- He's gone. - Calum?

Calum?

- Is he there? - His mic's off.

Are you sure it's not tactical?

Yes, Emily, I'm sure.

He's turned it off. He's offline.

What?

Rita, have you seen calum?

Rita? Her mic's off, too.

- Where you going? - Rachel, hold the fort.

- Shit. - That can't be good.

Dad, where are you? We're on next.

You promised me you were coming.

Mum was right about you.

Hello? Hello?

Is anybody there?

Hello?

Fuck! Fucked it!

Is anyone else for red?

You're my best friend.

I loved you. I loved you.

What happened?

He just came out and drove off.

I tried.

Well, I can't go up on the roof.

- Vertigo. - Knee replacement.

What if someone finds the ladder?

The rats? Fuck!

Maybe he's just gone for a wee.

Steve. Yeah, it's a code 3.

Hiya, this is calum. I'm not here right now.

- Shit. - He's on his way.

Tell him not to bother. Plan's off.

Help me get the things out of there before someone finds it.

My god, tej. Code 3.

- Steve? - The plan is definitely not off.

Tej, time for some wedding nostalgia.

On it. Switching music.

Next.

You took my Dan, my job, and my home.

Next. Next!

Focus, you little shit.

How many cupcakes have you had?

You get the ladder. I'll grab the rats.

Fuck!

You okay?

Next! Next! Next!

You conniving, fucking two-faced cow.

- Charlotte? - She all right?

Result. Target has left the room.

- Holding the fort. - Switching lights.

Hello! You all look a bit sad.

Why don't you come in here, have a drink, and celebrate?

Are you taking the piss?

- No. - Check it out.

Charlotte, calm down.

- Charlotte... - I can't, Dan!

She's haunting me!

Charlotte, you're exhausted.

No, you can't outrun your shadow.

Listen to yourself. You sound...

Emily is not haunting us!

Dan, I'm not staying here! No way!

Tomorrow, we start looking for houses.

But tonight, a hotel. Grab the baby.

Please, Charlotte, you need to calm down.

No! You need to listen!

This is Karma! We deserve this!

Times five. Times 50.

- Times forever! - "Times forever!"

No, Charlotte!

They've completely lost their minds.

- Play it again. - Here, have a drink.

Have a drink, babe.

Charlotte, calm down.

- Charlotte. - I can't, Dan!

She's haunting me.

Charlotte, you're exhausted!

No, you can't outrun your shadow!

Steve, you are a genius.

Now, I wouldn't go that far.

I'm not staying here! No way! Tomorrow,

we start looking for houses. But tonight, a hotel.

Grab the baby!

My god. We did it.

Cheers.

We... we fucking did it.

Dan, I'm not staying here, no way!

Tomorrow, we start looking for houses.

Go on. Do the noise.

- Do it again. - Okay, do it.

- Go on, it's so funny. - Do it.

I still can't believe we actually did it.

Yeah, they so got what they deserve.

She was brilliant.

But honestly, you really got to her.

I loved it.

"You can't escape your shadow."

What the fuck happened to you?

Sorry. Bella...

what the fuck happened to you?

Revenge.

Fuck?

- Look who it is. - Hi.

Hey.

Come and have a seat.

- It worked? - Yes, it worked.

Didn't need the rats in the end.

Definitely worked.

You fuck.

Well, now we're all here... Million-dollar question.

Whose ex is up next?

Wait. What?

Can it be my ex? Please.

She deserves a taste of this.

Y-You're kidding... Right?

I mean, this was a one-off.

- A one-off, no? - Although...

It does feel a bit unfair.

You know, I mean, I get my little revenge.

Shouldn't you all get yours?

Exactly.

Guys, we're supposed to be healing.

Divorce circle is about us letting go

of our anger and resentment.

Move on with grace.

That's just words.

Pretty vowels and consonants strung together

to tell us to roll over while our exes win.

But anger... Used in the right way, that's power.

And it's also the only language some fuckers understand.

Well, I hate to be the bubble buster,

but we're basically a pound shop ocean's eleven.

Mate, we don't have to be.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking we help each other out.

Strangers on a train style.

- I love that film. - I've got more cameras.

Wait.

You want us to kill each other's exes?

No, mate, you've been watching too much telly.

It's not murder on demand.

- Pity. - What?

Kidding.

Although... If the six of us pool all our resources...

We could do some serious damage.

You're all nuts.

This whole... Weird assortment, we...

We barely even know each other.

Exactly.

Exactly.

To revenge.

Aka, "how losers become winners."

Okay, well, if we're gonna do this,

you're gonna have to be less of a wanker.

- No offense. - None taken.

Do you know what? All right.

'Cause hearts don't break, they rebrand.

Revengers... To revenge.

Calum!

Calum?

Calum!

What are you doing here?

Thought you didn't like heights.

Yeah, I just... I just came up to say thank you.

What for? I let you down.

But for Bella. I get it.

Are you okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy.

We really gonna do this?

Do what?

Revenge.

I mean... It's just a bit of fun, right?

What harm could it do?

Nobody was supposed to get hurt.

Yeah, but they did. Didn't they?

So tell me, Emily, how exactly did

your little healing circle turn you into a killer?

Is that what you think I am?

Divorce is no less painful than the death of a person.

Are we just fucked now?

Are we just, like, damaged goods?

Well, if you want someone to behave like a dick

in public, anxiolytic. Total disinhibitor.

- Somebody spiked him. - Can't afford any loose ends.

We can't afford to get caught!

I want him to feel just an ounce of what he's put me through.

You think these grieving people

suddenly became master criminals?