Original subtitles

So you can shoot free throws better than me.

Fine. Whatever. Big deal.

That's all you've got on me.

Can you stop a ceiling fan with your head?

I didn't think so.

And look at this.

My Popsicle's like twice the size of yours.

What a score.

I am totally...

Reese.

Oh.

Never mind.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Jamie, how can you enjoy this processed food?

This is nothing like you'd eat out in the wild.

I did it!

I got my learner's permit.

I can drive anywhere with an adult.

And the adult does not

have to be visible from the outside.

I checked.

Everyone taking the test was trying to copy off him.

Wow, Mom's actually proud of me.

It's kind of nice to finally have my moment in the...

Dewey?!

Oh, my God!

Is this what it looks like?

Yes, Mom. This is a friend.

His name's Noah.

Oh, Noah, it is such a pleasure to meet you.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am...

Mom.

If we seem too excited, we're going to spook him.

So as far as you're concerned, this is just another day.

Come on, Noah.

Dewey?

[camera clicking]

Okay, I'm done now.

HAL: Honey, come on out here.

I have a surprise for you.

What is this?

It's a hot tub, Lois.

Are you out of your mind?

We can't afford a hot tub.

That's what I said, too,

but then the sales guy showed me how wrong I was.

Boys, get out here!

Hal, I can't believe you did this without me.

You know we always make these kinds of decisions together.

It was an in-store promotion.

We got 20% off

on the spot.

Plus a tub club card, plus free caulking.

And that's where they kill you, Lois-- the caulking.

Hal...

MALCOLM: A hot tub.

Sweet.

This is just what it's like here.

We're always getting great stuff like hot tubs.

Hal, you're taking it back.

What about the boys?

Don't they get a say in this?

Yeah, Mom, it'll be great

for entertaining.

No, they do not get a say in this

because we are not keeping it.

Well, we're... kind of locked in.

We're what? Lois, you don't get

deals like this without making a commitment.

It's zero percent interest.

If you factor in inflation, it's almost like

they're paying us 2,800 bucks.

$2,800!

I can't believe you!

You went behind my back,

you spent money you had no right to spend to buy a pile

of lumber and tubes.

Don't worry.

It has very detailed assembly instructions,

which I won't go anywhere near because Malcolm's doing it.

I don't mind.

The baby's head was in the sun.

Otto, what are you doing?

I am posting the new safety rules.

There have been far too many senseless accidents.

People will have no excuse not to be safe.

[hammering]

[hammering continues]

[gasping]

Francis! You wouldn't believe what happened-- I almost...

[thunder cracks]

Otto! Oh, my God!

You okay?!

Manfred Schmidt.

Did I tell you?

You just can't have a care in the world

when you're in a hot tub.

It's like a trip back to the old amniotic sac.

[door opening]

Jamie's going to be asleep for another hour.

Do you think I could borrow your car

for a quick trip to the Lucky Aide?

I'll drive!

Oh, no, I'll be fine, really.

You all look so comfortable,

and it's really just...

Not a problem at all.

I got the keys. Let's go!

Honey, take a load off.

No, thanks.

Since now you've decided

we're a family where everyone

does whatever they want,

what I want is to

not be in the hot tub.

These jets are great.

I couldn't hear a word she said.

[door closes]

And if you really listen,

everything has its own vibration.

The trees and the grass...

I mean, it's like the whole world

is screaming sometimes.

But you know, you can get one of those

white noise machines and really crank it...

Oh, stop here.

What about the drugstore?

I just need to grab something.

This is cool. I get to drive.

Plus, I got to know Polly a little bit better.

It turns out she hasn't had a TV in 12 years,

and instead of chemicals, her dry cleaner uses tea.

Okay, but the driving is still cool.

Go! Go! Go! Go! What?

I said go!

[tires squealing]

[shrieks]

What did you do?Malcolm, just give me a second to explain.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Trust me-- we're not in any danger.

Then take your foot off the gas!

[panting]

Okay, what did you take?

What is that thing?

This is mine.

It belongs to me.

My ex-boyfriend Danny took it and he wouldn't give it back,

and this happens to be my mother.

Your what?

My mother's in here. Her ashes.

I meant to get her a nicer urn,

but they just raised my tuition at the Wicca School.

So why couldn't you just ask the guy for the ashes?

I don't think that would be

a really good route to go with Danny.

He's a very troubled man.

What? Please don't tell your parents, okay?

I need you to keep this between us, please?

I love Jamie,

and he loves me,

and I'd be crushed if I couldn't see him.

Literally.

Emotions can compress organs, Malcolm.

So can you help me out on this?

Fine.

This is weird.

All I keep thinking is,

it is so cool that I'm driving.

Francis, have you seen Otto?

What's the matter?

I don't like letting him out of my sight.

He's been so accident-prone.

In the past few days, he smashed up both our cars.

He keeps falling down the stairs.

This morning, he set his hair on fire

with his reading glasses.

Gretchen, my love, I wonder if you can

fetch the tweezers.

I seem to have an ass-full of cactus.

Otto, it was just beginning to heal.

Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.

Ooh...

Francis, I'm afraid

I'm doing this on purpose.

What, hurting yourself?

I don't know. It doesn't seem

like all of these things could be accidents.

It's like there is some

subconscious drive to punish myself for some unknown...

[screams]

[straining]

Otto, what does the name Manfred Schmidt mean to you?

I haven't thought about him for years.

I'm... oh, oh...

What?

Manfred Schmidt is Gretchen's fiancé.

Well, he was, until I stole her.

You stole Gretchen?

He was my best friend,

but I was in love with Gretchen, too.

And on the day

they were going to elope,

I told Manfred that Gretchen had already gone

and that she would meet him at the train station in Berlin.

Oh, Otto.

Poor Gretchen stood in the rain for hours,

devastated.

And then I came along

and I comforted her, and, uh,

one thing led to another thing, and, uh...

well, here we are-- 25 years of perfect love...

built on a lie.

Otto, this is obviously tearing you up inside.

Why don't you just call this guy and apologize

before you really end up hurting yourself?

Francis, I don't think I have the courage.

Besides,

now that I know what is behind it,

maybe the problem will go away.

Those are thumb tacks.

DEWEY: Dad.

Noah and I were supposed to play together,

but when I got to his house,

he wasn't there.

I waited for an hour, but he never showed up.

Don't be so negative.

Maybe he got hurt and was taken to the hospital,

or maybe his grandmother died.

NOAH: ...and then my guy parachutes in

and shoots your guy. [imitates gunfire]

Oh! I'm cold!

I'm so cold!

[laughing]

LOIS: Oh, come on, Jamie.

Here comes the airplane.

Come on, say "ah."

Boy, you know, I think the tension

in my neck was dulling my taste buds.

These hamburgers are amazing, honey.

Well, thank you.

And even with the cheese,

it came in for less than $2,800.

Who has the mustard?

I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it.

Like he steals everything.

Well, maybe the mustard likes me better.

Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

You totally stole Noah from me!

Whoa, you can't just change subjects on me.

We were talking about mustard.

I was talking about Noah.

Oh, man, what a great kid.

It's like having a little brother, you know?

He was so proud of me when I

beat the crap out of Craig Jansen for him.

It was a nice moment.

LOIS: Malcolm, how was your drive today?Fine.

Just went to the Lucky Aide and back, that's it, huh?

Yeah.

LOIS: The Lucky Aide

is only two and a half miles each way,

yet the odometer mysteriously gained 23 miles.

Okay, well, after I dropped Polly off,

I took the car by myself. I'm sorry.

I was just so excited,

and I wanted to show off, so I drove around the mall.

Well, thank you for being honest with me.

Now give me the permit.

What?! Two months without driving.

But, Mom...

Because you were honest with me,

I'm not going to wad this up

and throw it down the garbage disposal.

That's so unfair! Dad?

Malcolm, you know I always agree

with your mother.

Whether or not she holds herself to the same standard.

[groaning]

That's it!

I'm sick of all the noise around here. Everybody out!

Hal, you're taking the boys to the movies, now!

Everybody up. Let's go, let's go!

[car approaching]

[car stops]

[car doors opening and closing]

HAL: Well, I didn't know the movie

was going to be sold out.

I'll get the paper.

I didn't want to see the dog movie anyway.

Well, whatever we see, I have to be back by 7:00.

Me and Noah are ambushing Kevin Teevens.

Another one? What are you, his enforcer?

It's called being a friend.

Okay, what do you boys want to see?

I don't care. The real fun is being driven there by my dad.

Come on.

Hey, what about this one?

There's a review right here.

Sounds good.

Let's go.

Ah. [chuckles]

[car doors closing]

[engine starts, car drives away]

[gasping]

Well, he's missing out on a great cardio workout.

[grunts]

[panting]

Malcolm, right?

Who are you? My name is Danny.

I believe you took something

that belongs to me.

What, did you think I wouldn't find you?

Do you think you could get away with this?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Do you think this is fun for me?!

I don't know what question to answer.

Aah! Sinus headache.

The pain makes me furious,

and the fury makes it more painful,

and then you just black out and you don't know what you did.

How can I help you?

I want the urn that Polly took.

You want her mother's ashes?

She told you her mother's in there?

My father's in there.

My father, who I loved,

who went cold-turkey for my graduation.

That's whose ashes are in there.

Oh. Well...You are going to give me that urn.

I know where you live.

So listen up.

I'm going to go get an allergy shot.

And right after that,

I'm coming over to your house for the ashes.

Well, look at the giant surprise that happened here.

You want to tell me

this wasn't a huge waste of money now?

Every tub has a break-in period.

It's just adjusting to our natural body chemistry.

There's a six-inch crust of algae.

The tub is fine.

See? Absolutely perfect.

You lied to me.

What do you mean?

I just met Danny, and he says

his father's ashes are in that urn.

Well, yes, they are.

So you lied.

No, the truth is, it's my mother's ashes,

his father's ashes, the springer spaniel

that we bought together and a cat I had before I met him.

What?! You know how when you move in with somebody,

you-you mix up your plates and your CDs...

Look, he was acting really, really scary.

Like psycho dangerous scary.

Just tell me, do I need to be worried?

Oh, no. No.

Yes.

Oh, God. All right.

I've got to think.

I'll think of something.

I couldn't think of anything.

We're out of the city; you can turn on the headlights.

Okay, his plane landed an hour ago.

He should be here any minute.

Manfred Schmidt.

What if the fire is still there

between him and Gretchen?

Come on, Otto,

you know how much Gretchen loves you.

I can do this.

I will go get Gretchen.

Thank you very much.

Uh, please...

make sure my chef finds the kitchen.

Mr. Schmidt, welcome.

Did you have a nice flight?

Ah, yes, thanks.

When you fly your own jet,

it always makes the time go so much faster.

Uh, did your wife come with you?

Oh, I never married.

After Gretchen broke my heart, I just couldn't.

Every day I think of what might have been,

and now-- thanks to you-- what still could be.

Do you think she likes giant diamonds?

Uh... look, there's been a change in plans.

Gretchen isn't here.

I'm afraid she stood you up.

What? She said she wasn't interested.

And then she disappeared.

Tough break.

I don't believe you.Seriously.

You know how flighty Gretchen can be.

I didn't come all the way from Germany

to be turned away by some messenger boy.

I'm not leaving until I see Gretchen.

Otto, why are you being so mysterious?

What is this big terrible secret?

Well...

[explosion]

Otto paid way too much for these earrings.

Oh, Otto.

Okay, my mom says I can stay for dinner.

Cool.

Oh, Dewey.

Noah's going to need your chair.

He's not your friend, Reese.

Noah just made friends with me to get to you.

And he's just using you to beat people up for him.

Reese, take him out.

No, listen.

Last week, three kids beat the crap out of him.

He's not tough enough to get them back, but you are.

You already paid back

Kevin Teevens and Craig Jansen.

All that's left is Todd Lemmon,

and I took care of him myself.

Here's a piece of his T-shirt.

Here's his retainer with part of a tooth still on it.

And here's my four-day suspension slip.

Wow.

You really nailed him.

Thanks, Dewey. Go to hell, Reese.

Wait. So it's just over?

Is that all I was to you, a couple of fists?

I have some guys you can beat up for me.

It's too soon.

Are you positive Danny won't go to our house?

I told him specifically

that he wouldn't find us or the ashes there.

I just hope he checks his messages.

Danny's not home!

[screaming]

That doesn't work when he's in the car!

Let go! Let go!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to get what's mine.

You had no right to take my father from me!

Oh, your "father"? Please.

When he was sick, you made him live

in a junked-out car in the backyard.

That was a Le Sabre!

Do you hear the way she talks to me?

I'm just driving.

We had an agreement.

We said the ashes would stay right by the coffeemaker

and we'd all be together. Forever.

You and me and our dead ancestors and pets.

Then one day I come home from drum circle

and you're gone without even saying good-bye!

Danny, you're the one

who violated the agreement,

because you had to dominate every moment

of my life.

You even had to cut my hair.

And I don't like bangs!

Are you insane? With your bone structure, you...

Never mind.

You're not taking my father.

You can't have my mother.

Give me the ashes.

I will not!

What are you do...? Aah! Malcolm!

[yelling] No! [horn blows]

[cries]: Oh!

I have heard enough of this.

I am sick of you people screaming about the ashes

when it's clearly not about the ashes.

It's not? I think it is.

The problem is your relationship.

And you're never going to get past it

unless you start talking to each other like human beings.

I-I guess I freaked out...

when you left me without even saying good-bye.

I'm sorry about that.

We both know it had to end.

I just couldn't face hurting you.

You deserved better from me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So if, uh, there's nobody else back there,

I'm just gonna turn around and go home.

You're a heart healer, Malcolm.

I'm pretty sure it's too late for you now,

but in the next life, you're gonna really cash in.

I have to say, I've only ever seen this on boats.

I'm gonna have to make some phone calls on this one.

Go ahead and say it. I know you're dying to.

Why do I always have to be the fun killer?

What are you talking about?

Do you know what it's like to be the person

in charge of saying "no" all the time?

I hate it.

Honey, we depend on you for that.

You're the one who keeps us from killing ourselves.

Yes, but all I ever hear is "Why can't we?"

and "You never let us."

Just once can't I be the person

who gets to have the fun, crazy idea?

You know what? Absolutely.

Go ahead.

What do you have in mind?

Well, I can't come up with something just on the spot.

Okay. This should stunt the algae growth.

This should burn off your outer layer of skin.

And these pills will gradually kill

what's lodged in your urethra.

It was a kidnapping situation

and it wasn't our fault...

Where's Mom and Dad?

They're not home yet.

Oh, my God, this is fate.

We said "knock, knock."

And this is the universe saying, "Who's there?"

If they ask, I was here all night.

Oh, boys,

your mom has a really crazy idea

she wants to run by you. Probably too crazy.

Lois?

We are going to have ice cream on the good china.

Wow, that's crazy. Oh, cool. Are you sure?

I told you!Wow.