Original subtitles

(baby crying loudly)

(gasps)

Oh, not again.

This baby... is gonna kill us.

LOIS: Oh, Jamie, for the love of...!

It's all over the walls.

Boys, it's a level three!

Backyard, now!

(crying)

(gagging): Oh, my God!

How does this kid keep getting out of its diaper?

Damned if I know.

I put that one on with duct tape.

Reese, get a mask and bucket and clean up that wall.

Malcolm, find the old diaper

and bury it at least three feet deep.

Dewey, stand by with the garden hose.

Oh, we don't have any diapers!

How did we go through a bonus pack in one day?

Ugh! Jamie just went all over the towel!

Dewey, here.... give me your pajama top.

Not again!

This is my last pair!

Let's get you to the shower.

God... oh...

LOIS: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.

Ugh, it's in my hair!

* Life is unfair.

Yes, I was checking our status at the day care center.

What? How do you move down on the waiting list?

Those are juvenile offenses

and shouldn't be part of the public record!

Hal, what are we going to do?

My maternity leave is over,

I go back to work tomorrow,

and we still haven't found day care for Jamie.

Well, honey, maybe you'll have to just...

stay out a little longer.

I know money is tight, but...

we can always

stretch our pennies a little more.

This is insane.

There is no juice left in there.

You are watering down water.

All right, we're desperate!

But there has to be some decent day care program

we can afford.

Now, where the hell haven't we looked?

We're joining a church?

We don't know anything about these people.

They have the best staffed co-op nursery in town,

and they'll take care of Jamie for free.

So, as far as these people know, we've been practicing members

of the Brethren of Calvary for years, you understand?

Why doesn't Malcolm have to be here?

Would you rather be doing his job right now?

Ow, ow, ow! Let go, let go! (crying)

What if they ask me to pray?

I don't know how to pray.

Look, they only want to meet us.

So for the next half hour, as far as you're concerned,

God is the greatest thing in the universe,

and that's that.

Hello, everyone. I'm Pastor Roy.

I understand you want to transfer

your membership from the Brethren in Danville?

Yes. We were longtime members in Danville.

I didn't know we had a church in Danville.

It's gone now, bought out by a strip club.

Really?

Well, it's not all nude.

It's just topless with tassels, but still...

We just so want to continue

to be part of the Brethren community.

"Community." I love that word.

And our branch is very active.

I'm sure the boys will enjoy Bible study.

Oh, I'm sure they will. And of course,

we also have hayrides, retreats, prayer breakfasts...

Day care? Day care...

Really? Lois, did you hear that?

They have day care. I did not know that.

That kind of service is why we have always

been so committed to this church.

That's wonderful.

Have you gone through the Precepts of the Covenant?

Yes. Of course.

(nervous chuckling)

Love the Precepts.

Number three has gotten me through some hard times.

But it always comes back to God, huh?

(laughing)

Yeah, God's pretty neat.

REESE: Yeah, he's totally my favorite of all them.

I promise I will hire you back

just as soon as business picks up.

I've never seen it this slow, Otto.

That makes six employees laid off in one week.

It is that festival down at Roswell.

All of the tourists are going--

to see where the UFOs landed.

Our people are losing their jobs

'cause a bunch of idiot tourists think little green men

crashed a spaceship down there?

That's ridiculous. Ja.

They will see nothing down there.

The government put every scrap of evidence

in a secret vault 50 years ago.

Is this the news desk?

Listen, I'm out at the Grotto Ranch,

and... oh, my God, there it is again!

There's something weird

happening in the sky!

I see a light and some kind of craft.

You'd better get out here

right away!

I suppose it could be out here for another 20 minutes,

but you'd better hurry!

Hi, Donna, we're here.

Oh, hi, Lois.

This must be your little angel.

(baby wailing) There, there.

I don't know what got into Jamie this morning.

This is so out of the ordinary!

There, there, pumpkin. When'd you get so fussy?

Well, sometimes even the youngest babies

can sense your anxiety on the first day.

Yeah, that must be it.

Uh, I expressed some breast milk.

Oh, my.

I come from a long line of milkers.

Once these get started, there's no stopping them.

(baby wailing)

Whoa, this is so unusual!

At home we forget we even have a baby.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

We're going to get along great here, aren't we, precious?

Now, I know a lot of the mothers like to hang around for a while

on the first day, but we think it's...

I'm still waiting for a price... Here's your change. Thank you.

MAN: That's not the right ointment! What's wrong with you?!

You said you wanted the do-it-yourself applicator,

you crazy old man!

You think you're getting out of helping me with this?!

You're my wife!

Ooh. Ooh!

Has it always been this quiet here?

And the best part is, when you play with God,

it's always your turn.

What does the "T" on the wall stand for?

Uh, we'll talk about that later.

Hal, I have to meet a parishioner in my office.

Would you mind continuing the lesson?

What, me? Don't worry.

It's just the story of Daniel and the lions.

I'm sure you know it in your sleep.

Uh...

Okay, then, class.

(clears throat): Uh...

this is a story about a man named Daniel,

and, apparently, some lions, so...

Um...

"Uh, it-it pleased Darius

"to set over the kingdom

"120 princes,

"which should be over the whole kingdom,

"and over these three officials,

uh, uh, of whom Daniel was first..."

When do the lions show up?

Soon, Dewey.

Please, you just have to be a little patient.

Ooh! Ooh!

"Uh, uh, and Darius said to Daniel,

"'Yea, verily, I smote you,

"and I send thee to be thrown into the den.'

"Where soon,

Daniel was eaten by the lions."

I thought God saved him.

Oh.

Well, sure.

I was getting to that.

Uh, as, as it is written...

the lion dith spit him up...

...along with a lamb.

A talking lamb.

(loudly): "And verily,

"it came to pass

"that the big lump in the middle of the boa constrictor

"turned out to be

"the missing ranger.

"Forasmuch as the multitudes could still hear his radio

"saying unto them,

(imitates CB radio): "Come in, Dave. Dave, do you read me?"

* No need to go up to Lover's Lane *

* And come back down

* All full of shame

* I'll smile as I sing the same refrain *

* Abstain, abstain, abstain!

Oh! (applause)

Well, we really shook the rafters, didn't we?

I think Pastor Roy

might call the cops on us.

Yes, Reese?

Is there some kind of

loyalty oath I can sign so I can get out of here?

Reese, no one's forcing you to stay.

The only thing keeping you here

is that little voice in your head that keeps saying,

"Why are all these people so much happier than me?"

Now, then, as you know,

Mrs. Pitzer, the church secretary,

suffered a paralyzing spider bite

at last summer's faith retreat,

but out of that tragedy

has come these wonderful inspirational scenes

that she paints with her mouth.

Here's Elijah being taken up to Heaven

in his fiery chariot;

Jonah and the whale;

the parting

of the Red Sea...

It's a joyful thing to witness the way

God has blessed this woman's tongue and teeth.

* I don't need no evil weed

Oh, man. Wow.

* Keep your crack and your LSD

* I'm snorting something

* That God gave me

* And it smells a lot like love... *

Mom, I don't want to go to that class.

You see this paycheck?

I earned this because we have day care.

Those who earn paychecks get to have an opinion.

Those who don't go to Bible school.

Hal, three serious diapers on the way home.

We have to burn the car seat.

Dad, talk to her.

I don't want to go to this class.

Malcolm, you have to give this church a chance.

I understand it's a little different

from what we're used to,

but I opened up to the experience,

and I feel a real spiritual connection.

(hammers pounding)

How's it looking, Hal? Great.

See you got the windows framed in.

We all find our own path...

our own way.

(baby wailing)

I don't like the way it feels either,

but I don't have any more blouses, you little miracle.

(crying)

If you could just, for the love of God, stop crying.

Hi, Donna.

Oh, don't tell me

Jamie's been carrying on again.

You sure have a high-spirited little one.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Thanks for everything.

All right, dear.

Oh, and are you going to be picking up Seth,

or should he be dropped off?

Seth? Who's Seth?

You're babysitting Seth Richards.

It's been on the schedule for two weeks.

See? Saturday, Lois has Seth.

You don't understand.

I'm one of those people who drops kids off at the co-op.

I don't watch them. I work.

We all take turns sitting.

That's what "co-op" means.

But I thought this one of those churches where, you know,

people felt good doing things for other people

who don't have to do anything back.

I have to work tomorrow.

I'm sorry, but you're going

to have to figure out something else.

Seth, you have got to get out of there!

This is my fort!

I'll be with you in a minute.

(groans)

I have to admit, I was a doubter.

But I guess we're pretty lucky

to get a visit from an actual UFO.

Yeah, yeah, but look at me.

I am still shaking from seeing that craft with my own two eyes.

I tell you, they spoke to me telepathically.

MAN: There's been another sighting!

The alien's moved down to the Songbird Ranch.

They actually have a piece of landing gear.

(chattering)

What?

No, they don't.

They're lying.

Otto, we can't let these people...

For your own safety,

do not wave at them.

They think our hands

are sex organs.

You may start something you won't want to finish.

What?

I love you.

Stop saying that.

Ever since we joined this church,

you've been acting really weird.

That's because I'm a different Reese.

I was sitting in Bible class dead,

when suddenly I was awakened.

I'm dedicated to something outside myself now.

Something wonderful.

Now come here.

Can't you just hit me like you used to?

I'm just too happy.

It's beautiful.

You painted it and everything.

Welcome home, Hal.

I am so overwhelmed by this.

And I'm not just blowing smoke this time.

You are the best.

God bless you all.

(breathes deeply)

I think you're charging me for your own soda.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That kid has me so frazzled.

I mean... Where is he?

Lois, for the love of God,

are you watching this kid or not?

Where did you find him?

Under a car

sharing his candy bar with a squirrel.

He didn't like it. He's sick.

Lois, I am trying out

a less supportive undergarment.

I can't be chasing this boy all around the store.

Why don't you just leave him in your car

like the other bad mothers do?

Mrs. Munson,

I want you to release my brother.

What?

Ever since Reese

got in your class, he's been really nice to me.

Trust me-- it's creepy.

I don't like this church.

Ever since we came here, all I do is think about stuff.

What kind of God makes children think

when they're not even in school?

Well, now, see, that is a torment,

but I'm sure He has His reasons.

Yeah, like Pastor Roy said.

How God's so much bigger and wiser than us

and trying to see what he's thinking

would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.

Yes, exactly.

But we can trust in His wisdom

and we can have faith that He is watching over us.

Like me with the anthill in my backyard.

I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out

which ones were good and which ones were bad.

But they all just

looked like ants,

so I started smiting all of them.

Well, that's not...

I was smiting them with the garden hose

and with lighter fluid and with the lawn mower,

and to be perfectly honest,

I think I went a little crazy with the shovel.

Those ants

could have been praying to me all day,

I wouldn't have heard them.

There was nothing they could do about it.

But I don't think...

Really, it's the same with us.

There's nothing we can do about anything, either.

So why worry about it?

Hey, this is making me feel better.

Well, that's... good, but...

I guess all we can do is live our lives

with as much kindness

and decency as possible

and try not to dwell on God standing over us

with that giant shovel.

Bye.

That was $50 worth of makeup.

Am I pretty? No, you are not pretty.

You have caused me an enormous amount of trouble

and I have had it, you hear me?

Seth?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Is he...

Are you from the co-op?

Yes, yes, I am.

And I suppose that this might look a little odd,

but in my defense, I didn't realize

I'd have to take care of a kid today...

a child... a, um...

a little person.

What are pleasure dots?

Oh, my Lord.

Seth,

you come away from that woman this instant.

He did some nice coloring.

(grunting nonsensically)

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

What kind of alien are you?

You don't even glow in the dark.

Get out of here.

You get out of here. You get out of here.

You get out of here.

You get...

Hal, I had a terrible day with that child.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry I couldn't help you out.

I just got back from an all-day

hayride committee meeting.

Do you know there are six different kinds of hay

and they all have their promoters.

Hal, listen to me.

It was impossible at work with that child,

but I kept thinking, "I don't have a choice.

I have to do this for Jamie."

And then the parents came and there was

this ugly thing, and then

I saw this.

Hey, this is good coloring.

It's baby Moses in the bullrushes.

And I started to think about that story,

where the mother has to take her little one

and send him down the river forever

to be raised by someone else.

And I wanted to be that mom.

Hal... I don't like this baby.

Are you serious?

I know it's terrible.

I don't deserve to be a mother.

I'm supposed to be feeling all this perfect

motherly love, and it's not there.

It is just not there.

I can't believe you're saying this.

I know it's horrible.

You really don't remember, do you?

Remember what?

Honey, you've hated all our babies.

You couldn't stand

the sight of any of them for at least two months.

What? Well, Reese, six months,

but he was a nipple-biter, so I didn't blame you.

You told me

to leave Francis at the county fair

so he could be raised by cows.

Oh, my God.

It's just that you're so tired

and, I mean, this all seems so overwhelming,

but believe me, in a few weeks you are going to love this baby

as much as anyone has ever loved a baby.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, I don't hear anything.

Where is the baby?

Sleeping quietly.

Been that way for an hour.

Oh, my goodness.

How precious.

Who couldn't love something like that?

Do we have to keep the painting?

No.

We just have to find an atheist handyman.

Come, it's time.

It all became clear to me that first day in church.

And now that everything

has been carefully prepared,

this will be the most magnificent day

of my life.

What are you doing?

I plan to float above the clouds

and experience the joy that only birds can know.

You're going to fry yourself on a high-voltage wire.

I'm not afraid.

I have faith in my vision.

I love you, Dewey.

This is incredible.

I can see the top of Dad's car from here.

I'll miss you at first.

No, I'm as surprised as you are.

No, I'm as surprised as you are.

No, I'm as surprised as yo are.

* Amazing race

* How sweet the taste

* That saved a wrench for me

* I once was in the lost and found *

* Was blind, but found my keys. *

* My face...

The United States government is not happy

with the level of interest you've created in this sector.

But what's the harm

in pretending I'm from another planet?

I mean, all that UFO stuff

about abductions and cavity probes,

that's all made up.

Right?

Yes, there are no aliens.

But there are cavity probes.

But you just joined us two weeks ago.

Believe me, you do not want us to be part of your church.

We really don't belong around civilized people.

Oh, come now. I'm sure that's just a...

(Reese screaming)

(sobbing)

See, that's exactly

the kind of thing we're talking about.