Original subtitles

MALCOLM: Bottom of the ninth.

Two outs, man on first.

The windup...

The pitch...

Uh-oh.

Oh, man, we're so dead.

That's it. Game over.

Yeah.

So I win. What?!

Past the lamp is a home run.

Two men scored.

That was a foul ball.

Are you crazy?

It went right down the line.

It was foul. Shut up.

You're home plate. You don't get a vote.

And it was fair. Do over.

Fine by me.

Oh, crap!

Now we really have to quit.

Yeah, but that was a triple.

Get back up there.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

The thing about playing

at Stevie Kenarban's house is

he has every one of my favorite video games

from when I was four.

End of... the rainbow.

I win...

the gold.

Don't you have something

with a little bit more violence in it?

Fishing... for Fishies.

Sometimes...

he drowns.

Boys!

I've got snacks.

Hands.

Now... who wants applesauce?

I do.

Stevie, there is no need to use your outdoor voice.

And I've got some cinnamon

if you guys are feeling a little crazy.

Feeling... crazy?

A little.

(horn honking)

That's my mom.

Oh, well, she always honks.

Tell her she's welcome to come in anytime.

We're not going to bite.

It's not personal.

I think she just likes honking.

LOIS: Malcolm!

Well, you'd better get going.

I mean, you don't want to make her mad.

She's always mad.

Malcolm, I mean it!

I have ice cream melting!

Here's your... Oh, no, no, no.

Eat it in the car.

Eat it in the car.

(phone ringing)

Oops.

Jerk.

You looked.

Ow!

We're doing this new thing

called the circle game.

Basically, if you can make the other guy

look at your hand while you're doing this...

below your waist, you get to hit them in the arm.

It's stupid, but, hey-- you get to hit people.

Barn door's open.

Huh?

Aah!

Boys.

That was Kitty Kenarban.

She wants to go out for dinner.

That sounds like fun. Good for you, dear.

She meant the whole family.

Oh.

MALCOLM: Mom, I don't think

that's really a good idea.

I mean, the Kenarbans

are kind of... well, boring.

They're refined, Malcolm,

and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if some of their manners rubbed off on you boys.

I just don't think you guys would get along with them.

Don't be silly.

I think it's nice she's asking us out to dinner.

It's been a long time since anyone invited us anywhere.

I wonder why that is.

I think I see some hungry seals.

(boys barking like seals)

(barking)

Cadets...

as you know, I don't often reveal my... personal side,

but after 20 years of separation,

my mother has agreed to visit with me this weekend.

She is a very demanding woman,

and I haven't seen her for a long time.

I want things to go well.

That means I will have no time for antics, shenanigans,

hooliganism or tomfoolery.

There will be no problems

which take me away from time with Mother.

This is important to me, which makes it...

CADETS: Important to us.

So it is crystal clear.

I will not be disturbed this weekend.

CADETS: Yes, sir!

As you were.

Whoa, he sounds pretty serious.

Yeah. What time you want to start the party?

Hmm? What are you talking about?

Didn't you hear what Spangler just said?

All I heard was he's going to be too busy

with his mother to pay us any attention.

What kind of party did you have in mind?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure I can come up with something

that we'll all find amusing.

Well, howdy, girls.

I couldn't help but notice you all

hanging out here by the fence

for the last six months.

Would you like to come to a party tomorrow night?

Wh... you're going to let us come inside?

(giggles)

Oh, well, sure, that'd be the neighborly thing to do.

I would kill or die to go to your party.

Seriously-- kill or die.

Well, that's the spirit.

Okay, I'll take you

and you and you

and you.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this kind of degrading?

Okay, not you

and you and you...

I want to eat that one and that one.

Oh, and those two.

Isn't this nice?

No pirate themes.

No ball pits filled with screaming children.

Hal, look.

"Please wait to be seated."

Look, a dollar.

Oh, it's mine.

Damn. I never fall for that amateur stuff.

Now, I am going to say this once and only once.

We are with respectable people tonight.

You are to be well mannered and act civilized,

or so help me, I'll wring your little necks, you hear me?

Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing.

At the beginning, I'll say that I think

I might be coming down with something...

Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this.

I'm looking forward to it.

The Kenarbans are nice people,

and they want to be friends with us.

So you're-you're saying I'm on my own here.

Yoo-hoo, hi there.

Hello.

Abe.

Hal. I think I might

be coming down with something.

Sorry we're late-- some jackass

parked in the handicapped space.

Oh, huh, huh.

Why don't you guys get seated and I-I...

I got to get something out of the car.

I'll just be a...

(dance music playing)

(girls cheering)

Why didn't we think of doing this sooner?

Don't you think they're getting a little loud?

Spangler's only two buildings over.

Uh... ladies.

This is all great, but if we could just

take it down a teensy bit.

Whoo! I marked him, girl!

He's mine!

(girls cheering loudly)

Now, remember,

no throwing ice.

No flicking butter at the ceiling.

No sticking gum under the table

and no eating gum already stuck under the table.

Keep your voices down.

You are warned.

You look very nice, Stevie.

Oh, great.

Who spilled?

Aw.

Ow.

Circle game?

I want to... play.

I don't know, Stevie.

It's... it's pretty rough.

Oh, come on, quit babying him.

If he wants to play, let him play.

Now, remember, Stevie, don't look at this...

...uh... or this.

He's... good.

Well, this is nice.

I've been looking forward to this for a long time.

I don't know why we didn't do this sooner.

(laughs)

Do I feel flush?

No.

Would anyone like a drink before you order?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, he'll have a diet soda.

And you, sir?

Uh...

what the heck-- lemonade.

I'll have an iced tea.

Sorry, we're out.

Oh, uh, well, then, I'll have a...

Wait a minute-- what's that guy having?

That's hot tea.

This is ridiculous.

You have tea, you have ice.

Make her some iced tea.

Oh, no, no, no, that is fine.

I would love a hot tea.

Wow.

This is really nice.

Well, I have to use the restroom.

I think I also need to use the restroom.

(girls screaming)

Girls! You've got to be quiet! Please!

(girls screaming)

(music stops)

GIRLS: * You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals *

* So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! *

(cheering)

Way to go, Francis.

Hey, I promised you girls-- not quality girls.

Wow!

(girls screaming)

Well, gentlemen--

I've had enough experience with debacles

to know when to cut your losses.

It's time to get Spangler.

No. Come on, we're not wusses.

We can handle this ourselves.

I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

All right, girls, party's over.

(girls screaming)

Help! Mama!

They're seeing my underpants.

Help!

(vicious yell)

Nice... one.

Stevie, quit the game.

You're just getting punched.

You haven't gotten us once.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come...

you saw...

this?

Damn.

I swear, Hal, you said, "I feel flushed"

five seconds before I was about to. Oh, yeah?

(Reese grunts viciously) Salud.

Look at us now-- two grown men

having to sneak off from their wives just to have a drink.

How sad. Nah, no, no.

It's really not like that with me and Kitty.

Sure, I might let her think she's in charge,

but when it comes down to the important stuff,

Daddy rules the roost.

Oh, hi, Kitty.

I got you! (laughing)

(both laughing) I did.

To being whipped.

Like butter, my friend.

(Reese grunts viciously)

Kitty.

Where are those guys?

Hal probably dragged Abe over to the bar.

You know, if he's drunk, so help me...

Oh, no-no-no. It's okay.

Gives us a chance to talk.

Here we are-- diet soda...

lemonade...

and cranberry juice.

Thank you. Cranberry juice?

After all that static he gave you about ordering tea,

he gives you cranberry juice?

Excuse me? No-no-no,

it's fine.

Something wrong?

Yes. My friend ordered tea

and you've brought her cranberry juice.

I don't think so.

Instead of arguing with me, why don't you

just march back to the kitchen and make...

No-no-no. I like cranberry juice.

Very healthy for you. Mmm...

MALCOLM: Hey, Reese, that's enough!

This isn't funny anymore.

Okay, okay.

Man, look what your shoulders did

to my knuckles.

I'll get you when I come back.

I even knew...

he was going...

to do that.

She won't let me

have butter on my bread-- butter.

I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.

How'd this happen?

We weren't always this way.

Actually, I was.

Classic story--

raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts.

I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.

You poor bastard, you never had a chance.

Damn it... enough is enough!

(gasps)

You go, Abe!

Go! Go! Go!

Sir?

SPANGLER: Go away!

I told you I did not want to be disturbed.

My aunt and I are... catching up.

I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.

Go away!

I wish I could, sir,

but we have a bit of a situation.

See, we decided to have this party

and it kind of got out of hand...

I don't care, cadet.

I will deal with it in the morning. Yeah, but...

In the morning!

It's just that we invited some of the local girls...

Local girls?!

There are local girls inside the perimeter?

Have they killed anyone?

N-No, sir,

but I saw one of them eat a raw chicken whole.

WOMAN: Spangy. Uh... just a minute... Mother.

Do you have any idea what you have done?

Marlin Academy cannot exist

without the support, the goodwill and cooperation

of the local community.

The police chief and the mayor

both sit on our board of governors!

The fire chief is a regent!

And right now their psychotic offspring are in there

tearing up the floorboards!

It won't be long before they're in the air ducts.

What are we going to do, sir?

We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does

in a situation like this-- we're going to keep it quiet.

But they're destroying the school.

Let's hope that's all they do, cadet.

I'm afraid this is like an oil fire--

we have to let it burn itself out.

Oh, yeah, I forgot-- one of them started an oil fire.

So...

did you see any good movies lately?

Well, we just saw Les Amants du Pont-Neuf.

Did you see it?

No.

Last movie I saw was

The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes on cable.

Oh, my God! Kurt Russell! Yes.

Oh, I had such a crush on him in those Disney films.

I did, too-- especially in Now You See It...

BOTH: Now You Don't!

Oh, God... Oh, he was so cute.

Did you see The Strongest Man in the World? About 50 times.

Oh, my God! I just wanted to reach out and grab that tush.

I am so terrible.

(both laughing)

Seriously, this has got to stop.

I'm actually starting to feel bad

and plus... I'm kind of getting bored creatively.

Oh, my God!

Is that a snake? Stevie, don't.

REESE: Sucker.

Snake...

I'm an idiot.

(Lois and Kitty laughing)

Oh... Oh...

I'm so glad we decided to have this dinner.

So am I. I feel so much better now.

Better?

About you and your family.

What?

A-A-About Malcolm and Stevie

because they spend so much time together,

and now that we've gotten to know each other,

I just feel better.

Wait a minute.

You mean this wasn't about you wanting to be friends?

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

You were checking us out.

You wanted to see if we were good enough for your family.

No, no, no. I-I wouldn't put it that way.

I would, because that's what you're doing.

How dare you!

You can't judge us.

You know,

you are not so perfect yourself, lady.

Hell, you are one of the most uptight, repressed people

I've ever met in my life.

Did you know that Kurt Russell was the jungle boy

on Gilligan's Island?

Don't change the subject.

We're having an argument here.

I yell at you; you yell at me--

that's what you do.

What's wrong with you?

Whatever you say is wrong with me

is what's wrong with me.

There-- problem solved.

(chuckles nervously)

(groans softly)

Okay, that's just freaky.

REESE: Hey, I'm getting good with my left.

Thanks, Stevie.

I... give up.

I'm going to...

the car.

(crying softly)

Way to go, Reese.

Aw, geez!

Crying on... command...

got me... a cable modem.

You have a real problem.

Have you never yelled at anyone

in your entire life?

I just don't see what it accomplishes.

Are you kidding?

Most of the time, if you're not yelling,

they're not listening.

Lois, our situation is difficult enough

without me adding a bunch of negativity to it.

What situation? You mean Stevie?

He's fine! He's not going to wither away

because you blow off steam every once in a while.

Hey, why don't you give both of you a break?

Go ahead, hit me.

Get it over with.

Ow... ow...

Let me... help you.

Reap...

the whirlwind!

(grunting)

Finally-- justice.

I mean, if he doesn't kill him.

(grunting)

Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?!

You are in so much trouble!

This behavior is totally unacceptable.

We are at a restaurant-- what is wrong with you?

Don't you take that tone with me!

You just wait till we get home!

He bruised the bone.

Oh, like you didn't deserve it.

Good for you! I knew you had it in you.

Shut your trap!

Excuse me, would you mind please keeping it down?

Would you mind going to hell?

And I absolutely did order tea!

How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?

Kitty, there's going to be some changes...

And you-- Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer!

Who do you think you're kidding?

Honey, you have to pace yourself.

And another thing, Don Juan,

there are two people in that bed!

You know, I really don't feel very good.

And I had it with your poker nights and your idiot frien...

I think this is where they nested.

I'd say we got off lucky.

This happened once before in '72--

we had to bulldoze the amphitheater.

It's Horton.

Hey, Horton, you okay?

What happened?

I've seen things, Francis...

terrible things...

and I... I think I'm engaged.

Come on, children, quickly, quickly. KITTY: Those pants went

out of style in the '80s and they were ugly back then.

Don't you give me that look.

You got a eye problem?

Whoa. Interesting dinner.

Stevie beat the crap out of Reese,

his dad got drunk,

and his mom's gone totally psycho.

Oh, my God... we're contagious.

KITTY: ...the whole night staring at the cocktail waitress.