Original subtitles

There's a lot of good things about weekends:

no school, cartoons.

But the best thing about weekends is having a neighbor

like old Mrs. Jansen.

[doorbell rings]

ALL: Trick or treat!

Oh, my! Look at

what nice costumes you have!

Here's two for you

and two for you.

There.

ALL: Thank you, Mrs. Jansen.

Good-bye.

Hey, before you condemn us,

we're the only kids who even talk to her.

So if it wasn't for us,

she would have no human contact at all.

We shoveled your walkway.

Oh!

It looks wonderful.

Let me get my purse.

Okay, now you can condemn us.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

It's Mom's birthday.

She took us down to the store where she works

so we could buy presents for her.

So far, it's working out pretty well.

Reese, for crying out loud!

[grunts]

It's killing me! I'm so close!

Get your hand out of there!

I can't!

Ow!

All right!

I got it!

Okay, now listen up.

I'm going to give you each ten dollars

to buy me something.

We've never done this before.

Usually on her birthday, we just make her stuff.

Honey, it's... nice.

It's a potato bank.

I made it.

Now, you can each get me something,

or you can put your money together

and get me... um, I don't know.

Oh, well, now, look at that.

A foot massager.

Hey, and it's only $25.

And you've got, uh, $30

between you?

Huh.

Well, I'm sure whatever you get me, I'll love it.

Now meet me back here in ten minutes...

Stop pushing!

Come on! Dewey, you...

Lois!

Hi, Craig.

What are you doing here on your... day off?

Oh, I just stopped in with the boys

so they could buy me a birthday present.

Oh!

It's-it's your birthday?

I'd-I'd completely forgotten.

Seems like any other day, actually.

Yeah, well...

Craig to aisle seven.

Of course, you can't blame me for forgetting.

I've been so busy lately.

Seems like I'm always hitting the weights at the gym,

working on the guns.

[laughs]

Craig, aisle seven.

Yeah, and when I'm not at the gym,

I'm usually with my Dixieland jazz group.

Really? What do you play?

I'm the costumer.

You know, there are four different types of straw hats,

and if you ever need those arm garters...

Craig, I can see you.

Bye.

FRANCIS: And it's my mom's birthday,

so it means a lot to her for me to come home.

Just as a coincidence,

my friend Richie is throwing a huge party on the same day.

But enough about me.

I can't believe that you and your schoolmates

have come all the way from Mozambique

just to see a bunch of national parks and monuments.

I mean, I don't want to criticize,

but you really haven't seen America

until you've seen the small towns,

met the people,

studied the way my friend Richie throws a keg party.

You're wasting your time.

She doesn't speak English.

Oh.

Which is just as well, because if she

understood the crap you were feeding her,

she'd laugh in your face.

I, on the other hand, find your desperation charming.

Really?

Oh, well, there's plenty more where that came from.

MALCOLM: Get out of my way! Let go of me!

Come on, move, move!

Here you go, Mom-- happy birthday.

Don't you want to wrap it?

No, it's okay.

An eyeglass repair kit.

Box of throat lozenges.

A dirt bike magazine.

I might want to look at that when you're done.

This cost you $30?

No, it was, like, eight.

This store's great, Mom.

When can I have my candy?

Relax, dude, we have 20 bucks worth.

Shotgun!

Hey! Wait!

[boys arguing]

Mom, what's for dinner?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you have some candy.

Yay!

Dewey, take off the wrappers.

Does Mom seem okay to you?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I think she might be upset about something.

Maybe I should go ask if...

Ooh. Skinny Fonzie.

...19, 20, 21, 22, 23.

All here.

You can go.

This is my house.

Can't you just feel the authenticity of it?

Not like those crappy plastic national parks

you've been going to.

You can relax, Francis.

I got off the bus already.

Right, okay.

Here's the deal: we go inside,

make a polite appearance for my mother's birthday,

have some cake with her, drop off my laundry,

and then we go to the party.

My God!

What?

Do you even know

how astonishingly beautiful you are?

Oh, yes.

I've had 15 marriage proposals.

That's why the general sent me on this trip--

to keep me out of trouble.

Hey, boys. Where's Mom?

Bedroom.

Oh, yeah?

Honey?

What?

Are you okay?

Hey.

What's wrong?

The boys.

Ah.

Don't let them get to you.

They'll be out of the house in ten years.

Hey, what did those mean boys do, huh?

I gave them $30 to buy me something nice,

and they spent it all on themselves.

They don't even care that it's my birthday.

Oh, well!

Those boys are going to hear from me, let me tell you.

They are going to get one heck of a talking-to.

And th-then I think I'll go for a drive,

I'm just so furious.

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Her birthday's on the 12th.

It can't be the... oh!

No, no!

I programmed this stupid watch

to remind me that...

["Happy Birthday to You" playing]

No, no, no, no!

You boys are in so much trouble!

[whispering]: Help me on this.

[shouting]: I can't believe

that you could be so thoughtless!

[whispering]: We all screwed up really big this time.

I have a good mind to use the belt on all three of you!

Why are you yelling at us?

Sorry isn't good enough, mister.

[shouting]: I forgot your mom's birthday!

Oh... Oh!

[groaning]

[doorbell ringing]

What?!

What?!

What?!

Hi, Hal.

Craig, what do you want?

Well, Lois and I had an exchange, and I felt bad,

so... I'm sure she told you all about it.

No, actually, she didn't say anything.

Craig, we're in the middle of...

Well, it's complicated.

You see, I didn't buy Lois a present,

even though I wanted to, and I thought "this is silly,"

so I went ahead and got her one, and here it is.

Oh... great.

I-I'll take it in to her right now.

Oh, such a nice,

nice gift.

You know what, second thought, uh,

I can take care of this tomorrow.

I'll bring it in to work.Oh, no, wouldn't be

any trouble at all.Really?

[laughs] No, I'd be happy to take it in to her.

Yeah, I'd really hate to put you out.

Don't be silly.

[both laugh]

Give it!

Lois, it's Craig! He's stealing your present!

It's a present that I paid $129 for!

Honey?

Honey, where are you going?

Wherever I want.

Well...

when are you coming home?

When?

Whenever somebody in this family gives a damn.

Happy birthday, Mom!

[grunting over TV]

This is bad.

Mom's never taken off on us like this before.

Yeah. She usually throws usout.

You bought candy?

You don't just...!

It was her...!

If I only had the...!

Stupid watch!

Candy?!

What were you...?!

D'oh!

[door slams]

What's his problem?

He's not the only one pissed at you little twerps.

What are you talking about?

I had this great party lined up

with this beautiful girl,

and all I had to do was come home,

make an appearance at Mom's birthday--

be the good son.

Everything would've been fine,

but now my trip home has been tainted.

In her mind, we're all thoughtless jerks,

thanks to you guys.

What did we do?Think about it.

Mom gave you money to buy her a present

and you spent most of it on candy.

And the rest on her presents.

But you spent most of it on candy.

We've established that.

We're just going around in circles here.

Okay, look.

How would you feel if Mom didn't buy you a present?

Mom's not buying me a birthday present?

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying...

But it's my birthday.

No, it's not.

Francis, it's Mom.

We've never made a big deal out of her birthday.

And plus, she said she'd be happy with whatever we got her.

And was she happy?

Oh, man... we suck.

Did we make Mom mad?

No, Dewey, worse.

You hurt her.

Okay, I'm lost.

Ow!

That's how Mom feels on the inside.

So what are we supposed to do?

"We"?

Haven't you guys been listening?

You screwed up, not me. I'm not doing anything.

I don't know what you're going to do, and I don't care.

I have my own problems.

I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends,

make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head.

Come on, Amaani.

This isn't fair.

Mom never should have taken us

to a store that sells candy.

She set us up!

Shut up, Reese.

We blew it.

We made our own mom run away from home.

Where do you think she is?

♪ Behind every good woman lies a trail of men ♪

♪ Don't ask where she's going, don't ask where she's been ♪

♪ Behind every good woman lies... ♪

Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?

I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up

with a credit card and no curfew.

I could stay here all week if I want.

Yeah, but we want to hit.BOY: Yeah, we do.

When you getting out of there?

You want me to get out?

Okay, I'll get out.

If you do one thing for me.

You give me back 15 years of my life.

Can you do that? Can you reverse time?

Can you take me back to when I was 23,

so I can stay single, go to music school

and become a concert violinist?

Huh?

No? Okay.

Looks like I'm going to have to keep on batting.

You can't just hog the cage because you're crazy!

That's not fair!

You think I'm crazy?

I'll show you crazy.

[kids scream]

♪

I hope your friend Richie

has some place where we can be alone.

You know my mom's going to end up blaming me for this.

What?

This whole birthday fiasco.

By the time she's done spinning it in her head,

I'll be the one who gave her the crappy presents.

Any chance my mom gets to make my life miserable,

she pounces.

You know, in Mozambique,

talking about your mother this much isn't considered a turn-on.

Sorry.

Is Mom ever coming home?

Of course she is.

Reese, what are you doing?

Making a list of women for Dad to look into.

Now that Mom's gone.

Mom's coming back.

Hey, if you want to be in denial,

it's fine with me, but I'm trying to keep Dad

from making the same mistake twice.

It's called being proactive.

"Mrs. Larson"?

She can cook, and her daughters are nymphos.

Ask me what she did for my birthday?

Just ask me.

Francis... Okay.

I'm sorry.

That is the last time.

It's out of my mind.

DEEJAY: And this next track is a special request to Lois from Hal.

He loves you and misses you and says if you come back,

he'll give you that sweet monkey love...

What are you doing?Nothing.

DEEJAY 2: And this next song

goes out to a very special lady from Craig.

♪

Oh, no.

What is it?

It's my mom.

What's she doing at a batting cage?

And why am I surprised by anything she does?

Don't worry, I am not going to let her ruin this for us.

We are going to that party-- end of story.

Damn it!

Oh, thank God.

She's crushing the ball.

How come she didn't teach us how to play baseball?

Because there's more to hitting than making contact.

So what do we do now?

♪ Happy birthday, dear Timmy

♪ Happy birthday to you.

Okay, Timmy, blow out the candles.

Hang on there, Timmy.

What are you doing?

Can I talk to you for a second?

♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Lois ♪ Happy birthday, dear Mom

♪ Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, honey.

Yeah.

What are you doing, Hal?

Well, what's it look like?

We're celebrating your birthday as a family.

Who are you?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Yeah, me, too.Me, too.

Actually, I'd like to point out that I'm clean on this one.

Lois, honey, come home, please? What do we have to do?

A lot of things.

I don't want to be taken for granted anymore.

If I come back, you guys are gonna make some changes.

Anything, whatever you want.

I don't ever want to have to remind

my own family that it's my birthday.

You are so right.

It will never happen again.

Mm-hmm.And one night a week,

I don't want to have to fix dinner.

Absolutely, good, fine, done.No problem.

And I want dirty laundry in the hamper,

not on the floor, not over a lampshade,

not shoved in some mattress crack.

No problem.We'll throw it in the hamper.

It's just that easy, huh?

Yes, it's just that easy.

Then why do I even have to ask?

If it's so obvious

I need a little human consideration,

I shouldn't even have to ask.

Oh, geez, honey, that's never going to happen.

What?

We're not smart enough to do that.

Look who you're talking to.

You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller.

Sweetie, you're always going to have to tell us what to do.

I mean, look at this half-baked celebration.

I mean, we're at the top of our game here.

Honey, the only thing that

we're ever going to be able

to offer you is our total abject obedience.

I-I know that doesn't sound like much,

but if you look at it this way,

our meager abilities are yours completely-- 100%.

Listen, wide ride, these guys are

just trying to do something nice for you.

Give them a break.

I-I'm sorry.

Did you just call my wife "wide ride"?

Oh, okay, I get it.

You got to make a big show for...

Now, you are going to get up and apolo...

BOYS: All right!

[boys shouting]

MALCOLM: Yeah! Good job!

Hit him, Dad! Come on!

Come on, work the gut!

Work the inside!Keep your hands in!

Lead with the left!

[shouting continues]

Hold this.

I got to go. I know.

You'll be here waiting for me when I'm done?

No. Good-bye.

Hit him, Dad! Kill him!

Fight him! Hit him!

[shouting continues]

♪ All my life was a paper

♪ Once plain, pure and white

♪ Till you moved with your pen

♪ Changing moods now and then

♪ Till the balance was right

♪ And you

♪ Decorated my life

♪ By painting your love

♪ All over my heart

♪ You decorated my life

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh.