Original subtitles

PHOTOGRAPHER: Squeeze in. Little closer together.

Chins up like baby birds. Lovely.

MALCOLM: Move. REESE: Shut up.

MALCOLM: Stop touching me. REESE: I'm not touching you.

I was clipping on my tie. While you were touching me.

Stop it. Why do we have to do this?

Because we don't have a single picture of us all together.

That's ridiculous.

We're a family-- we should have a family portrait.

Well, Francis isn't here.

Well, I'm not gonna cough up 200 bucks to fly him in

for one silly picture.

Where's Dewey?

Dewey, get out of there-- that's not your family.

You sure you want "autumn leaves" as a backdrop?

Yes.

You didn't even look at "happy windmills."

It's more colorful.

"Space shuttle." PHOTOGRAPHER: Next.

Come on, let's go.

I have a coupon here for one eight-by-ten and two wallet size

for $9.99, and that's what I want.

I don't want the "golden moments" collection.

I don't want the "family and friends" collection.

I don't want the "lifetime of love."

I want one eight-by-ten and two wallet size for $9.99.

Fine. We have an installment plan if that would help.

I brought a picture of Francis.

He's gonna be in the portrait. Cool.

I'll hold it. No, I'm gonna hold it.

Let go. I'm gonna hold it. Come on.

Dewey, pants on, mister.

I'm sorry, but this coupon's expired. What?

It's expired.

What you want will run you $39.50. Ooh, "lonely beach."

We're kind of the "lonely beach" family, right? Hal.

But for another $5.00, you can have the instant memory set.

That comes with double exposure silhouettes

for the grandparents.

Look, could you please just do what I'm asking you to...

I'm older! It was my idea!

(both growling)

That is it!

Get up!

Get back!

Come here!

Go there!

Okay.

We are gonna take this picture,

and it is gonna be good.

And that means no faces,

no tongues,

no crossed eyes, no bunny ears.

We are gonna smile.

We are gonna look good.

It is gonna cost us $9.99.

And all of this is gonna happen

by the time I count to three.

(all arguing) One, two, three.

(arguing resumes)

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

(breathing heavily)

Hello?

(heavy breathing continues)

Listen, pervert, this is the third time you've called,

and I have just about had it...

STEVIE: Is Malcolm...

there?

Oh. Hi, Stevie.

Sorry, uh...

Malcolm, phone!

Hey, Stevie.

You're coming... tonight?

Yeah.

And sleeping... over?

It's a sleepover, Stevie-- that's what you do.

I'm just... excited.

Never... had one.

We can...

read comics...

and build...

models.

Stevie, I never thought I'd say this, but slow down.

Ha... ha.

Forty-one.

Forty-two.

Forty-three.

Okay, stop, I can't do anymore.

You think later on, you can manage to stand

on my stomach while I do sit-ups?

Ugh, just give me a minute, okay?

Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?

Poquito cabeza. Get out of there, man.

I can't-- I've been marked by the brothers of the apocalypse.

Poquito cabeza.

Brothers of the apocalypse?

It's ridiculous.

It's five seniors with limited imaginations.

Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say.

You've got Stanley protecting you.

And you're not holding poquito cabeza.

Would you stop saying poquito cabeza?

I can't.

And I'm not coming out.

Oh, could you turn in my math homework?

These guys are so lame.

Amateurs.

Poor Finley.

He's good at math, right?

MEN (chanting): Finley, boom-ba-yay,

Finley, boom-ba-yay,

Finley, boom-ba-yay, Finley, boom-ba-yay,

Finley, boom-ba-yay...

No!

Finley, boom-ba-yay, No! No, please!

Finley, boom-ba-yay, Somebody help me. No.

Finley, boom-ba-yay, Finley, boom... Please, no.

Some... Somebody. Stop.

Froot Loops.

Finley, boom-ba-yay, Oh, please, please.

Finley, boom-ba-yay, Help me! Help me!

Finley, boom-ba-yay... No...!

Hey, Mom, I'm going to Stevie's.

LOIS: You be nice to that boy.

He can't walk.

If he's got to go to the bathroom

in the middle of the night, you get up and you help him.

Yes! There's a Chucky movie on tonight.

Not in this house.

You know how your father feels about evil puppet movies.

Please, Mom.

It's not even a school night.

I can stay up.

You really think you're old enough?

I totally am.

Well, if you really think so.

Aw, Mom, no fair.

What's the matter?

Afraid you can't beat your mommy?

She's just a person, she's just a person.

(feigning fear): Oh, no.

He's finally going to win.

What's he playing for tonight?

Bedtime and a Chucky movie.

Stop screwing around and pin him.

Oh, you'll have to forgive the mess, Malcolm.

Mmm, when our Stevie enters a room, it's like a typhoon hit.

(chuckling)

Well, uh, we'll leave you alone.

Check it out, Stevie.

The T. rex is three feet tall with a movable jaw.

Red paint for blood.

This is so cool.

I heard screaming.

Yeah.

I said, "This is so cool."

Is that a switchblade?

It's an X-Acto knife.

To cut the pieces apart.

I use it all the time.

KITTY: Oh, my goodness.

Well, we'll lock this up with the scissors.

How about a puzzle?

Stevie, it's been a long time

since you did the Arc de Triomphe.

We'll just give that back when you go home.

Hmm.

Puzzles are... fun.

You think we can order some pizza?

Mom's... making... pizza.

Cheeseless... sauceless... pizza.

That's just bread.

Pizza... bread.

Wise poquito cabeza.

Who shall your next victim be?

I am so sick of these guys.

What's that?

You're not sure?

I think we have a winner.

You are cordially invited

to attend...

Hey!

I don't have a problem with you.

(clears throat)

Francis.

Look, Stevenson,

this place is horrible enough,

so the poquito cabeza thing stops now, okay?

Just stop...

Just stop.

Just stop packing.

You were protecting me.

I mean, I know we don't have, like, a formal agreement

or anything, but my act of courage was kind of dependent

on your role as my bodyguard.

I'm sorry, Francis. You're sorry?

Do you have any idea what these guys are gonna do to me?

Four words.

Nana has a fever.

End of discussion.

So what am I supposed to do?

Remember that move I taught you?

Yeah. Don't even try it.

MEN (chanting): Francis, boom-ba-yay, Francis, boom-ba-yay,

Francis, boom-ba-yay...

Have to admit-- it's kind of catchy.

...Francis, boom-ba-yay.

Did you have fun tonight, Malcolm?

Yeah, I guess.

But isn't it kind of early to be going to bed?

It's not even 8:00.

Oh, don't worry, that jigsaw puzzle

will still be there in the morning.

Now, I know you boys want to do

a little chatting before sleepy time.

Let's say four minutes.

Mrs. Kenarban can be a tad strict.

She doesn't know that sometimes boys have to be boys.

Am I right?

I can't move.

Welcome to... the club.

I'm never gonna fall asleep.

It's too early.

Want to tell... ghost stories?

No, I want to do that dinosaur model.

(grunts)

(alarm gently sounds)

KITTY: Everything all right in there, boys?

Um, yeah.

A plush toy just fell on the floor.

We're fine.

(gasps) You... can't.

I just did.

Your parents need to cut you some slack.

They just... want me... safe.

No, they want you to be four.

Stevie, parents aren't allowed to control everything you do.

(bell dings) Sometimes, you just have...

Sorry.

Conditioning.

Come on.

I got an idea.

We're gonna get you out of here.

Don't.

It's alarmed.

You got me? Yeah.

You got me?

No.

I didn't know... you cared.

Okay.

You want maturity?

Well, here's three weeks of social studies homework.

Now I'm one week ahead.

Plus, I called Grandma.

GRANDMA: Hello. REESE: Hi, Grandma, it's Reese.

Who is this? Reese. Grandma, it-it's Reese.

Who's Reese? Grandma, it's Reese.

No, I won't accept charges. It's Reese.

I'm trying to sleep. Grandma, come on, it's Reese.

I'm very tired, please. Grandma...

It goes on like that for another ten minutes,

but I still want credit.

Honey, I'm very proud of you, but you still haven't proven

you're old enough to extend your bedtime.

Come on, Mom, I'll do anything.

All right.

Tell you what.

You can stay up and watch the movie, if...

...you put Dewey to bed.

Oh.

Anything else.

That's the deal.

You give him his bath, you put him in his PJs,

you read him a story.

Lois, have a heart.

Hey, take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

(chair scrapes)

Come on, Dewey!

It's bath time!

You know he doesn't stand a chance.

(Dewey screams) I know, but at least it'll give us the night to be alone.

Oh.

I love the way your mind works.

Honk.

(chuckles)

Smoothie.

I'm... winning.

I... lost.

Yes.

I got... another quarter... in my chair.

Somebody stole my friend's wheelchair.

What's it look like?

It's a chair with wheels.

I'll go get a form.

I don't need a form, I need a wheelchair.

Hey!

Come back!

I'm not kidding!

This ain't funny!

(grunts)

I'll get another chair.

I'm... screwed.

You're not screwed.

We just got to get you home.

We'll deal with everything else...

What are we going to do now?

Carry me... like...

a backpack.

Stop! Stop!

Gonna... puke.

DEWEY: Ow! Let me go!

Come on, Dewey.

It's me.

You like me.

No, I don't.

Ow.

Dewey, please!

How much does my head weigh?

Zero.

Zero.

(chuckles)

Hey, do you remember the last time we had

a quiet moment together like this?

Bob's funeral.

Yeah.

Oh, that was nice.

And you look great in black.

Aw...

You do. You do.

(chuckles)

(phone rings)

Let the machine get it.

Mmm.

(phone rings)

(answering machine beeps)

FRANCIS: Mom, Dad, hi.

Listen, something's come up.

Sorry about the way I sound,

but I'm calling from inside a washing machine.

Don't worry, I think I'll be fine as long as...

Oh. Hi, guys.

How's it going?

Hey, hey, what are you doing with those quarters? (guys laughing)

Hey, you guys, you don't want to...

Hey, come on...!

(dial tone)

(sniffs)

Morning Dew.

You know all my secrets. Mm-hmm.

Well, we... we've been together a long time.

Ah, well, don't worry.

I know all your secrets, too.

No, you don't.

(chuckling): Oh, yes, I do.

No, I'm a man of mystery, Lois.

Okay, let's hear one.

Let's hear a secret.

Well, it's not really a secret as much as it is a fantasy,

but it's a little embarrassing, so...

Well, so... whisper it in my ear.

Ha-ha.

(chuckles)

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Saw it in a movie once.

Don't want to do that-- that's...

(chuckles)

Oh, God.

I gotcha.

We can do that.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

(Dewey screams)

REESE: Dewey, get back here!

(screaming)

Okay, I just have to pick up a few things.

(Dewey screams) Give me 20 minutes?

I'll be waiting.

Yes.

Honey? Huh? Huh?

Honey, aren't you forgetting something?

Thank you. Thank you.

Your car keys.

REESE: Come on, Dewey, stop!

Right.

REESE: Stay out of the neighbor's...

(woman screams)

That's a nice cart.

Thanks.

It's new.

Downtown... rocks.

What's that?

A stripped car.

What's that?

A naked man arguing with a wall.

What's that?

A nudie bookstore.

With my dad coming out of it.

(singing to himself)

There you go.

Daddy's gonna get some love tonight.

(gong rings)

STEVENSON: Perhaps you'll survive--

perhaps not.

Many have perished at the hands of the grand executioner.

They are the lucky ones.

(whispering): Are you scared?

Actually, now that you mention it... no.

What?

Scared now?

No.

I'm just kind of itchy.

Huh?

You are hanging over a bottomless pit.

In five seconds, I will cut the rope.

Are you scared now?

I'm really not, no.

Why not?

This stuff is way scary.

I'm sorry, it just feels so... amateurish.

I mean, I know you guys are trying,

but I've been tormented by the best.

Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

LOIS: Traveling?!

He wasn't traveling.

Why don't you put your glasses on here, buddy?

You're missing a great game.

Oh, oh-oh, you're gonna give me a technical?!

You're gonna give me a technical?!

You can't give me a technical!

Look at that little pee-pee.

Oh, Francis, I forgot how tiny you are.

Oh-oh, l-l...

That's the moment of his birth.

You see? See him coming out feet first?

Doctor said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.

It's an eight-inch scratch on the car, Francis!

You know how much that's gonna cost to fix?!

If you think you are ever, ever borrowing my car again,

you are sadly mistaken!

And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy!

I'm telling your mother!

And that's just the stuff I didn't block out.

Oh, man.

What have we been doing?

This was all so wrong.

We've got to stop treating people like this.

Yeah.

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.

You will never amount to anything.

Why can't you just apply yourself?

Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?

Is that what this is?

After all that I've done for you,

and this is the thanks I get?!

We passed... that couch... an hour ago.

I know where we're going.

Oh, no, I don't.

This sucks.

You complain... a lot.

Well, I'm sorry, but tonight hasn't exactly been

the most fun in the world.

Not tonight.

All the time.

You never... stop... bitching.

Okay, great.

You're gonna do this now? Fine.

You were right.

We shouldn't have snuck out of your house.

We shouldn't have gone to the arcade.

It was stupid of me for even thinking about it.

It was a dumb idea.

No.

Good idea.

Execution... sucked.

(boys laughing) BOY: Yeah, do it again, man.

Come on, do it.

Yeah.

Your chair. Hey!

Oh...

I'm slowing... you down.

Get them... yourself.

Okay.

BOY: Faster, man, they're gaining on us.

(groans)

Come on! Get out of the chair.

Oh, right.

You'd better be running!

Hey, Stevie, I got your...

Oh, my God.

Stevie, are you okay?

Can't feel... my legs.

That's not funny.

LOIS: Is there anything I can do

to get out of the ticket, Officer?

HAL: Just love me.

Ah, for crying out loud, Hal, is that it?

Well, can't he be a sensitive cop?

WOMAN: No! N-No!

Th-That puppet's alive!

N-No...!

STEVIE: Tonight was...

awesome.

Well, we kind of got lucky.

I was... sort of hoping... to get caught.

What?

Never been... in trouble.

Like to see... what it's like.

Sometimes you're such a Krelboyne.

(police sirens whoop)

KITTY: Oh! I've lost my baby! Oh...

I guess... we are... in trouble... after all.

Malcolm?

KITTY (moaning): My boy!

Malcolm...? Just find my boy.

Oh, God.

Malcolm?