Original subtitles

(trumpet plays)

We're gathered here today to say good-bye

to Jumpy number eight.

Nine...

Nine.

He was a good...

Nine?

Are you sure, nine?

Anyway, he was a very good frog.

And he led a very full life.

I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor,

and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk.

It was hysterical.

Farewell, Jumpy number nine.

We know you're going to a better place.

Bye, Jumpy.

Dad...

(trumpet plays)

(rocket pops)

May he rest in pieces.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Kenarban...

winds up.

Bases loaded.

Series on...

the line.

Will you just throw the ball?

Aah!

Want me to...

kiss it?

Oh, man, Kevin.

I hate this guy.

He's only been here for two weeks,

and he's already the most obnoxious kid in the school.

Little help.

Lose your ball-ey, baby?

Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?

"Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?"

Come on, Kevin. "Come on, Kevin."

De gustibus non est disputandum.

De kub...

You stink!

Your new name is Stinky.

Whatever, just give me my ball back.

You want it?

Go get it, Stinky.

SPANGLER: Men, most of you are at an age

where your bodies have undergone

significant changes.

While the benefits of increased muscle mass

and a more authoritative speaking register are plain,

these changes can produce certain...

negative desires.

Uh, we used to handle it with cold showers

and regularly scheduled beatings,

but, sadly, times have changed,

and I am forced to rely on a less effective option:

education.

Pretty, isn't she? Hmm?

Perhaps her name is Mary

or Wendy or Becky Lou-- it doesn't matter

because her real name is disease.

Not so pretty anymore, is she, men?

Cankers...

lesions...

furuncles.

Such is the price of weakness.

I can't believe they're swallowing this.

Standard technique.

Generate a fear response, make the brain more receptive.

I don't care.

Spangler has ruined everything in our lives.

Now he has to ruin sex?

Now, remember, every one of these diseases

can easily be transmitted to you.

(groaning)

MAN: Excuse me, sir?

Isn't that slide upside down?

No, son.

No, it isn't.

(Dewey groans, cries) HAL: Okay, pal, all right.

I'll get the ice pack.

Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree.

It's too big.

I couldn't help it.

I know, sweetheart.

That's it, I've had it.

That sucker's coming down.

You're gonna cut down the tree?

Darn right.

I'm sick and tired of raking leaves

and hosing bird poop off our car.

And seeing that weird face in the bark

that follows you wherever you go.

And now it's going after the children?

No, Lois, it has to be stopped.

Can I help kill it?

Sure, sweetheart.

We'll take turns.

All right, frozen pizza.

The only thing Rowena can't ruin.

Hey, no cuts.

"Hey, no cuts."

Two slices, please.

Is there any more pizza?

No, all out.

It's American goulash for you.

What... is that?

I don't know.

All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and...

I don't know, I think they're Skittles.

Hey, look at the goulash boy.

Get away from me, Kevin.

Ooh, "Get away from me, Kevin."

He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza,

and I do.

I said get away.

Chill... man.

I got...

your back.

What are you looking at, Kenar-butt?

Light...

some shadows.

Kevin, I'm warning you.

Get out of my face.

Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me eating close to his face

with pizza I have and he doesn't.

Pizza, pizza, pizza.

(echoing): Pizza...

(echoing): Pizza...

Pizza...

(heart pounding)

You want pizza?

I'll give you pizza.

(chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Wow, watching hockey has really paid off.

I can't believe how good I'm doing.

(crying)

What do you mean he's only seven?

What's not to understand?

He just turned seven.

I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.

He can't be seven-- he's bigger than I am.

He's in second grade.

Look at all this blood.

That's not blood, it's pizza sauce.

Well, that's blood, but...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What happened?

I want my Teletubby!

A doll?

You can't play with dolls if you're seven.

Why are you seven?

You beat up a seven-year-old?!

I didn't know!

Malcolm, I don't blame you.

I put this squarely where it belongs.

On me.

Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done.

Kevin, I'm sorry.

I think you've done quite enough.

This is the worst birthday ever!

"Inappropriate,

vicious."

Oh, wait-- "Thug"?

Dude, I've never gotten "thug" before.

That's like the Oscar.

Susie Gunther ate my crayons.

Can you beat her up tomorrow?

Leave me alone.

You know what my favorite part is?

It's when you pound on someone, and then a day later,

you still feel the pain in your knuckles.

Oh, I love that.

Shut up, Reese.

Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer.

(chain saw buzzing)

Whoa.

(whooping)

REESE: Dad.

You cut down the tree, and we missed it?

Oh, baby, you missed it, all right.

I was about two-thirds of the way through her,

then crack!

Kaboom! (laughs)

My chain saw goes flying.

All the car alarms go off.

About a hundred squirrels came boiling out of the branches.

Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere

and chased them all over the neighborhood.

Man, I've never seen anything like it.

Man...

Oh, don't worry, son.

You'll get to share in the best part.

Cleaning up.

Boys, I think you'll enjoy

my sexual awareness lecture next week.

It's been called "riveting."

It-it sure worked wonders for me, sir.

The only woman I can think of

without vomiting is my own mother.

As it should be, son, as it should be.

He's giving that same lecture to the underclassmen.

I can't let that happen.

I'm stealing his slides.

And to you, that's a good idea?

Oh, absolutely.

I know it's hard-core, Stanley,

but I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for them.

After all, they are the future.

Francis, I don't know why you assume

we'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office

and find the sex slides.

Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy.

Okay, I got it.

Let's get out of here.

Wait a second.

Oh, my God, this is a gold mine.

Spangler drinking.

Spangler kissing.

Spangler in a Speedo.

Spangler out of a Speedo.

All right, that's enough.

Let's leave, huh?

Wait a second.

I have an idea.

I'm gonna make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture

just a little more interesting.

Now, Francis, you do realize what he'll do to you

if you humiliate him like this, right?

And yet I'm doing it anyway.

Weird, huh?

DEWEY: Why are the eggs so little?

They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down.

Paul Bunyan.

HAL: That's nature for you.

Hundred years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down.

There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.

It is nice having this extra light in the room.

Yeah, wait till I bring in the wood chipper.

Then you're really gonna see something.

I can't take this anymore.

When are you gonna punish me?

For what?

For beating up a seven-year-old.

(laughing)

LOIS: Oh, my God, that's right.

You must've just felt ridiculous

when you found out how old that kid was.

I can only imagine the look on your face.

(Lois laughs) (Hal chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Oh, this is nice.

We should start every day with a good laugh.

It's not funny.

It's awful.

I did something horrible.

Don't you even care?

Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son,

but you told us the whole story,

and he didn't give you much choice.

It was an honest beating mistake.

Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.

What are you talking about?

What enemies?

Oh, they're out there.

And once they know we're capable of this,

they'll know we're capable of anything.

Okay, so it's not just me, right?

There's something seriously wrong with this family.

LOIS: It's none of your business what we do on our property.

ED: That tree was older than your house.

You had no right to cut it down.

We're a neighborhood, and removing trees

is a neighborhood decision.

Oh, y-you people-- for 15 years you've mowed your lawns

in the middle of the night so you don't have to talk to us.

Now, what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?

What's going on here?

ED: You've caused a blight on our street

by cutting down that tree.

How is cutting down a tree a blight?

Because now we can see your house.

LOIS: Well, let me tell you something, Ed.

As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors can all just...

(imitates monkey chatter)

Eh? And that goes double for me.

I want you all off our property now or I'll...

(imitates gorilla grunts)

(imitating monkeys, gorillas)

(imitating monkey chatter)

(imitating monkeys, gorillas)

No wonder I'm a thug.

How can they act like this?

And then I found out that he was only seven.

I didn't know what to do.

I just felt like I had to talk to someone.

I hope I'm doing this right.

See, my family-- we're not, like, regular churchgoers,

but I know places like this are supposed

to help you feel better,

and that's really what I need.

I did something terrible,

and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me.

I mean, really wrong, deep inside.

I can't shake it.

What do I do?

Look to the church.

Look to God.

Look within.

But first you must ask forgiveness. First, you must atone.

First, you must cleanse your spirit.

(hip hop music plays) The path to salvation.

The path to temptation.

The path to meditation.

How does one define a sin?

Well, it's mostly common sense.

And you have to light incense.

If you practiced abstinence.

It's whatever space you're in.

Huh?

Ch-Ch-Charity. Prosperity.

Clarity. Divine.

Restitution. Absolution.

Contribution. Palestine.

Sacramental. Accidental.

Mostly mental. You'll be fine.

Transubstantiate. Alleviate.

Who knows? Align your spine.

Uh... well, thanks.

I feel much better. Bye.

Hey, boys.

Where's your brother?

I don't know.

He said something about being evil,

and he took off. Ah.

Uh, stay back.

Wow!

That was the coolest thing I've ever seen!

Really? All it does is

instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.

Dewey!

What was...?!

Actually, that was pretty cool.

What else you got?

*

(whooping, laughing)

Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.

Yolanda, this is a love that cannot be.

ERASERHEAD: Stop!

Can't you put some life in it?

It's 1969!

The slide rule is about to be replaced

by the pocket calculator.

You have to feel the panic in the air. Ugh!

I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin.

I feel like crap, and no one understands.

Even you.

You're supposed to be my friend

and you don't even care.

And yet... you keep... talking.

Maybe if I did something good,

that would cancel it out, right?

Or if I'm only doing it to feel better,

is that selfish and doesn't count as much?

Stevie?

(sighs)

Okay. So I just have to think of a really giant good deed.

That way, I know I'll be in the plus column.

I bet I can think of something great.

I just have to put some thought into it.

There!

That's perfect.

I'll run the marathon

and get people to pledge money for every mile that I go.

I hate running, so it'll be hard

and I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication

and it'll be helping cure diseases

which no one likes.

And then I can get on with my life.

No! No! No!

I can't work like this!

I'll be at my cubby.

This'll work.

It has to.

(growls)

(panting)

*

(panting)

(dog growling)

(grunting)

There we go.

Looks great, Dad.

Yeah? I don't know.

Now that it's in there,

it sort of makes me miss the old tree.

This one's a little droopy

and the branches are a little spindly

and there's no face.

Well, there's that, that little one,

but it's not the...

kindly little spooky face...

Oh, my God!

What have I done?

Reese,

get my chain saw.

I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds.

I wouldn't say he likes it.

He's good at it, apparently, but...

Look...

in my family

we don't go for that.

Probably not a good idea to poke me.

"Probably not a good idea to poke me."

I'm sorry I beat him up,

but how was I supposed to know he was 15?

He was huge.

You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.

CAROLINE: Okay, people.

I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Caroline?

Malcolm, I am so glad

you decided to do this.

Now, were you able to get any pledges?

Here.

I don't suppose there's a beer guy around here, huh?

This is a charity race at an elementary school.

Oh. So I have to go to a stand or something, huh?

My God.

Are these real?

Well, I assume so. Why?

Well, look at all of them.

He has more pledges here

than everyone else put together.

If he runs the distance,

he is going to raise over $8,000.

Ow.

SPANGLER: Perhaps her name is Mary

or... Wendy or Becky Lou.

It doesn't matter because her real name

is disease.

(laughter)

Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys?

Cankers...

lesions...

furuncles--

such is the pri...

Why, these aren't the proper slides.

Some hooligan has switched them.

Now, this is obviously some ingenious scheme

to humiliate me.

I find myself

so overcome with embarrassment, I can't stop clicking.

Although there's probably one in here of a cadet

who thinks he's all alone, and...

well...

technical difficulties.

We will resume the lecture...

with the proper slides

at 0800 tomorrow.

Gentlemen.

Remember, son,

a good soldier always checks the chamber.

Okay, this is going to sting.

What is with you?

Nothing.

Usually you scream like a stuck pig

when I put this stuff on.

You have been such a zombie lately.

It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee.

What are you talking about?

Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin.

I feel like I have a monster inside of me.

Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm,

that's no monster.

That's your conscience.

You should be thankful God gave you one.

Yeah. It feels great.

I'm serious.

It's a gift.

And you know what most people do with theirs?

They keep them in the closet all year and they bring them out

only when they think he's coming to visit.

You're not like that.

Good for you.

But I can't stop thinking about it.

Ow!

Were you thinking about it just then?

No!

See? I promise

you will feel bad about Kevin

only as long as you're supposed to.

Now go to bed.

You're a nice boy, Malcolm,

and I'll kick the conniption

out of anybody who says you aren't,

including that little voice in your head.

Okay.

Good night, Mom. Good night, sweetie.

Night, Dad. Good night, son.