1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,003 (trumpet plays) 2 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,342 We're gathered here today to say good-bye 3 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,510 to Jumpy number eight. 4 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,511 Nine... 5 00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:11,645 Nine. 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,414 He was a good... 7 00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,316 Nine? 8 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,417 Are you sure, nine? 9 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:21,055 Anyway, he was a very good frog. 10 00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:23,491 And he led a very full life. 11 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,694 I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor, 12 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,330 and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,232 It was hysterical. 14 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,734 Farewell, Jumpy number nine. 15 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,737 We know you're going to a better place. 16 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,773 Bye, Jumpy. 17 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,646 Dad... 18 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,982 (trumpet plays) 19 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:56,724 (rocket pops) 20 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,227 May he rest in pieces. 21 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,961 Amen. Amen. Amen. 22 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:04,532 * Yes, no, maybe 23 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,067 * I don't know 24 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:10,371 * Can you repeat the question? 25 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,606 * You're not the boss of me now * 26 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,042 * You're not the boss of me now * 27 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,445 * You're not the boss of me now * 28 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,580 * And you're not so big 29 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,082 * You're not the boss of me now * 30 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,285 * You're not the boss of me now * 31 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,720 * You're not the boss of me now * 32 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,390 * And you're not so big 33 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,860 * Life is unfair. 34 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,233 Kenarban... 35 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,634 winds up. 36 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,305 Bases loaded. 37 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,909 Series on... 38 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,178 the line. 39 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,680 Will you just throw the ball? 40 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:55,583 Aah! 41 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:56,950 Want me to... 42 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,386 kiss it? 43 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,163 Oh, man, Kevin. 44 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,598 I hate this guy. 45 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,466 He's only been here for two weeks, 46 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,469 and he's already the most obnoxious kid in the school. 47 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,004 Little help. 48 00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:18,472 Lose your ball-ey, baby? 49 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,208 Can I please have my ball back, Kevin? 50 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,809 "Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?" 51 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,312 Come on, Kevin. "Come on, Kevin." 52 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,947 De gustibus non est disputandum. 53 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,349 De kub... 54 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,450 You stink! 55 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,884 Your new name is Stinky. 56 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,620 Whatever, just give me my ball back. 57 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,887 You want it? 58 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,989 Go get it, Stinky. 59 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,730 SPANGLER: Men, most of you are at an age 60 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,665 where your bodies have undergone 61 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,734 significant changes. 62 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:50,571 While the benefits of increased muscle mass 63 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,674 and a more authoritative speaking register are plain, 64 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:57,378 these changes can produce certain... 65 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,347 negative desires. 66 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,915 Uh, we used to handle it with cold showers 67 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,352 and regularly scheduled beatings, 68 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,321 but, sadly, times have changed, 69 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:10,090 and I am forced to rely on a less effective option: 70 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,460 education. 71 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,897 Pretty, isn't she? Hmm? 72 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,832 Perhaps her name is Mary 73 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,002 or Wendy or Becky Lou-- it doesn't matter 74 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,573 because her real name is disease. 75 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,278 Not so pretty anymore, is she, men? 76 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,380 Cankers... 77 00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,448 lesions... 78 00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:37,351 furuncles. 79 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,887 Such is the price of weakness. 80 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,856 I can't believe they're swallowing this. 81 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,558 Standard technique. 82 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,027 Generate a fear response, make the brain more receptive. 83 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,396 I don't care. 84 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,063 Spangler has ruined everything in our lives. 85 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,032 Now he has to ruin sex? 86 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,067 Now, remember, every one of these diseases 87 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:57,137 can easily be transmitted to you. 88 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,374 (groaning) 89 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,875 MAN: Excuse me, sir? 90 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,278 Isn't that slide upside down? 91 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,313 No, son. 92 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,481 No, it isn't. 93 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,552 (Dewey groans, cries) HAL: Okay, pal, all right. 94 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,953 I'll get the ice pack. 95 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,955 Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree. 96 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:15,989 It's too big. 97 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,459 I couldn't help it. 98 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:19,427 I know, sweetheart. 99 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,629 That's it, I've had it. 100 00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:23,163 That sucker's coming down. 101 00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,732 You're gonna cut down the tree? 102 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:25,899 Darn right. 103 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,335 I'm sick and tired of raking leaves 104 00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,736 and hosing bird poop off our car. 105 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,338 And seeing that weird face in the bark 106 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:31,839 that follows you wherever you go. 107 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,308 And now it's going after the children? 108 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:35,776 No, Lois, it has to be stopped. 109 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,978 Can I help kill it? 110 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,347 Sure, sweetheart. 111 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,714 We'll take turns. 112 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:50,157 All right, frozen pizza. 113 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,559 The only thing Rowena can't ruin. 114 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,794 Hey, no cuts. 115 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,629 "Hey, no cuts." 116 00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,665 Two slices, please. 117 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,834 Is there any more pizza? 118 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,770 No, all out. 119 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,905 It's American goulash for you. 120 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:13,313 What... is that? 121 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,148 I don't know. 122 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,551 All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and... 123 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,454 I don't know, I think they're Skittles. 124 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:23,123 Hey, look at the goulash boy. 125 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,725 Get away from me, Kevin. 126 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,361 Ooh, "Get away from me, Kevin." 127 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:30,030 He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza, 128 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,732 and I do. 129 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,801 I said get away. 130 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,970 Chill... man. 131 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,506 I got... 132 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,007 your back. 133 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,477 What are you looking at, Kenar-butt? 134 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,579 Light... 135 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,548 some shadows. 136 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,383 Kevin, I'm warning you. 137 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,318 Get out of my face. 138 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:54,488 Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me eating close to his face 139 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,959 with pizza I have and he doesn't. 140 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,663 Pizza, pizza, pizza. 141 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,865 (echoing): Pizza... 142 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,968 (echoing): Pizza... 143 00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:12,806 Pizza... 144 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,382 (heart pounding) 145 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,257 You want pizza? 146 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,391 I'll give you pizza. 147 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,764 (chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 148 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,899 Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 149 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,270 Wow, watching hockey has really paid off. 150 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,238 I can't believe how good I'm doing. 151 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,574 (crying) 152 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,776 What do you mean he's only seven? 153 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,611 What's not to understand? 154 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,112 He just turned seven. 155 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,815 I guess you were too busy beating people to notice. 156 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,551 He can't be seven-- he's bigger than I am. 157 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,286 He's in second grade. 158 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,121 Look at all this blood. 159 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,756 That's not blood, it's pizza sauce. 160 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,157 Well, that's blood, but... 161 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,126 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 162 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,161 What happened? 163 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,930 I want my Teletubby! 164 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,264 A doll? 165 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,667 You can't play with dolls if you're seven. 166 00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,402 Why are you seven? 167 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,671 You beat up a seven-year-old?! 168 00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,006 I didn't know! 169 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,308 Malcolm, I don't blame you. 170 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,344 I put this squarely where it belongs. 171 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,346 On me. 172 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,817 Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done. 173 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,151 Kevin, I'm sorry. 174 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,687 I think you've done quite enough. 175 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,623 This is the worst birthday ever! 176 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,834 "Inappropriate, 177 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,201 vicious." 178 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,670 Oh, wait-- "Thug"? 179 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,672 Dude, I've never gotten "thug" before. 180 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,006 That's like the Oscar. 181 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,508 Susie Gunther ate my crayons. 182 00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,476 Can you beat her up tomorrow? 183 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,611 Leave me alone. 184 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,146 You know what my favorite part is? 185 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,649 It's when you pound on someone, and then a day later, 186 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,316 you still feel the pain in your knuckles. 187 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,785 Oh, I love that. 188 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,319 Shut up, Reese. 189 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,155 Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer. 190 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,990 (chain saw buzzing) 191 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,424 Whoa. 192 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,562 (whooping) 193 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,029 REESE: Dad. 194 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,666 You cut down the tree, and we missed it? 195 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,801 Oh, baby, you missed it, all right. 196 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,003 I was about two-thirds of the way through her, 197 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,572 then crack! 198 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,306 Kaboom! (laughs) 199 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,875 My chain saw goes flying. 200 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,476 All the car alarms go off. 201 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,712 About a hundred squirrels came boiling out of the branches. 202 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,248 Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere 203 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:36,683 and chased them all over the neighborhood. 204 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,219 Man, I've never seen anything like it. 205 00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:40,386 Man... 206 00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:41,922 Oh, don't worry, son. 207 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,557 You'll get to share in the best part. 208 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:44,792 Cleaning up. 209 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,561 Boys, I think you'll enjoy 210 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,396 my sexual awareness lecture next week. 211 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,798 It's been called "riveting." 212 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,867 It-it sure worked wonders for me, sir. 213 00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,435 The only woman I can think of 214 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,404 without vomiting is my own mother. 215 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,472 As it should be, son, as it should be. 216 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,911 He's giving that same lecture to the underclassmen. 217 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,379 I can't let that happen. 218 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,215 I'm stealing his slides. 219 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,917 And to you, that's a good idea? 220 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,184 Oh, absolutely. 221 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:14,187 I know it's hard-core, Stanley, 222 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,089 but I'm not doing this for me. 223 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,625 I'm doing it for them. 224 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,793 After all, they are the future. 225 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,064 Francis, I don't know why you assume 226 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,299 we'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office 227 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,601 and find the sex slides. 228 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:32,439 Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy. 229 00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,211 Okay, I got it. 230 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,246 Let's get out of here. 231 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,347 Wait a second. 232 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,554 Oh, my God, this is a gold mine. 233 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,090 Spangler drinking. 234 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,893 Spangler kissing. 235 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,128 Spangler in a Speedo. 236 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,596 Spangler out of a Speedo. 237 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,765 All right, that's enough. 238 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:58,732 Let's leave, huh? 239 00:09:58,766 --> 00:09:59,767 Wait a second. 240 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,434 I have an idea. 241 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,837 I'm gonna make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture 242 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:05,272 just a little more interesting. 243 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,074 Now, Francis, you do realize what he'll do to you 244 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,676 if you humiliate him like this, right? 245 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,078 And yet I'm doing it anyway. 246 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,113 Weird, huh? 247 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,515 DEWEY: Why are the eggs so little? 248 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,318 They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down. 249 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,654 Paul Bunyan. 250 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,589 HAL: That's nature for you. 251 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,792 Hundred years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down. 252 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,527 There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere. 253 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,196 It is nice having this extra light in the room. 254 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,364 Yeah, wait till I bring in the wood chipper. 255 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,166 Then you're really gonna see something. 256 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,768 I can't take this anymore. 257 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,603 When are you gonna punish me? 258 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,705 For what? 259 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,106 For beating up a seven-year-old. 260 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,308 (laughing) 261 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,277 LOIS: Oh, my God, that's right. 262 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,846 You must've just felt ridiculous 263 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,681 when you found out how old that kid was. 264 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,050 I can only imagine the look on your face. 265 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,651 (Lois laughs) (Hal chuckles) 266 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,386 (doorbell rings) 267 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,855 I'll get it. 268 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,156 Oh, this is nice. 269 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,825 We should start every day with a good laugh. 270 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,827 It's not funny. 271 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:00,961 It's awful. 272 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,229 I did something horrible. 273 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,663 Don't you even care? 274 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,398 Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son, 275 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,234 but you told us the whole story, 276 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,069 and he didn't give you much choice. 277 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,904 It was an honest beating mistake. 278 00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,240 Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies. 279 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,574 What are you talking about? 280 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:15,542 What enemies? 281 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,510 Oh, they're out there. 282 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,080 And once they know we're capable of this, 283 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,949 they'll know we're capable of anything. 284 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,554 Okay, so it's not just me, right? 285 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,757 There's something seriously wrong with this family. 286 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:33,493 LOIS: It's none of your business what we do on our property. 287 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,162 ED: That tree was older than your house. 288 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,596 You had no right to cut it down. 289 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,832 We're a neighborhood, and removing trees 290 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,667 is a neighborhood decision. 291 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,736 Oh, y-you people-- for 15 years you've mowed your lawns 292 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,172 in the middle of the night so you don't have to talk to us. 293 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,740 Now, what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood? 294 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,241 What's going on here? 295 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,343 ED: You've caused a blight on our street 296 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,711 by cutting down that tree. 297 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,213 How is cutting down a tree a blight? 298 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,748 Because now we can see your house. 299 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,584 LOIS: Well, let me tell you something, Ed. 300 00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,220 As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors can all just... 301 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,855 (imitates monkey chatter) 302 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,256 Eh? And that goes double for me. 303 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,025 I want you all off our property now or I'll... 304 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,861 (imitates gorilla grunts) 305 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,663 (imitating monkeys, gorillas) 306 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,567 (imitating monkey chatter) 307 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,905 (imitating monkeys, gorillas) 308 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,209 No wonder I'm a thug. 309 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,311 How can they act like this? 310 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,920 And then I found out that he was only seven. 311 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,487 I didn't know what to do. 312 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,323 I just felt like I had to talk to someone. 313 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,291 I hope I'm doing this right. 314 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,161 See, my family-- we're not, like, regular churchgoers, 315 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,996 but I know places like this are supposed 316 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,431 to help you feel better, 317 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,899 and that's really what I need. 318 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,434 I did something terrible, 319 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,003 and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me. 320 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,806 I mean, really wrong, deep inside. 321 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,441 I can't shake it. 322 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,742 What do I do? 323 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,611 Look to the church. 324 00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,746 Look to God. 325 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,748 Look within. 326 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,951 But first you must ask forgiveness. First, you must atone. 327 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,618 First, you must cleanse your spirit. 328 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,254 (hip hop music plays) The path to salvation. 329 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,355 The path to temptation. 330 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:09,589 The path to meditation. 331 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,924 How does one define a sin? 332 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,192 Well, it's mostly common sense. 333 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,193 And you have to light incense. 334 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,361 If you practiced abstinence. 335 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,129 It's whatever space you're in. 336 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,531 Huh? 337 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,833 Ch-Ch-Charity. Prosperity. 338 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,834 Clarity. Divine. 339 00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:21,935 Restitution. Absolution. 340 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,203 Contribution. Palestine. 341 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,271 Sacramental. Accidental. 342 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,705 Mostly mental. You'll be fine. 343 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,007 Transubstantiate. Alleviate. 344 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,343 Who knows? Align your spine. 345 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,713 Uh... well, thanks. 346 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,815 I feel much better. Bye. 347 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,188 Hey, boys. 348 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,622 Where's your brother? 349 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,024 I don't know. 350 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,458 He said something about being evil, 351 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:46,393 and he took off. Ah. 352 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,494 Uh, stay back. 353 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,831 Wow! 354 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,800 That was the coolest thing I've ever seen! 355 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,635 Really? All it does is 356 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,538 instantly vaporize anything that goes into it. 357 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,481 Dewey! 358 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,150 What was...?! 359 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,752 Actually, that was pretty cool. 360 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,854 What else you got? 361 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,077 * 362 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:02,302 (whooping, laughing) 363 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:06,339 Well, we've obviously run out of ideas. 364 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,610 Yolanda, this is a love that cannot be. 365 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:11,878 ERASERHEAD: Stop! 366 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,446 Can't you put some life in it? 367 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,248 It's 1969! 368 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,284 The slide rule is about to be replaced 369 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,952 by the pocket calculator. 370 00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,488 You have to feel the panic in the air. Ugh! 371 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,791 I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. 372 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,560 I feel like crap, and no one understands. 373 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,728 Even you. 374 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,130 You're supposed to be my friend 375 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,331 and you don't even care. 376 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:35,402 And yet... you keep... talking. 377 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,137 Maybe if I did something good, 378 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,239 that would cancel it out, right? 379 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,008 Or if I'm only doing it to feel better, 380 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,243 is that selfish and doesn't count as much? 381 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,012 Stevie? 382 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,514 (sighs) 383 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,783 Okay. So I just have to think of a really giant good deed. 384 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,253 That way, I know I'll be in the plus column. 385 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,288 I bet I can think of something great. 386 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,557 I just have to put some thought into it. 387 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,127 There! 388 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,530 That's perfect. 389 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,098 I'll run the marathon 390 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,700 and get people to pledge money for every mile that I go. 391 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,769 I hate running, so it'll be hard 392 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,972 and I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication 393 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,274 and it'll be helping cure diseases 394 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,109 which no one likes. 395 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,645 And then I can get on with my life. 396 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,281 No! No! No! 397 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,183 I can't work like this! 398 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,951 I'll be at my cubby. 399 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,620 This'll work. 400 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,689 It has to. 401 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,098 (growls) 402 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,201 (panting) 403 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:46,873 * 404 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,516 (panting) 405 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,470 (dog growling) 406 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,141 (grunting) 407 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:25,944 There we go. 408 00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:28,181 Looks great, Dad. 409 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,349 Yeah? I don't know. 410 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,750 Now that it's in there, 411 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,186 it sort of makes me miss the old tree. 412 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,255 This one's a little droopy 413 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,524 and the branches are a little spindly 414 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,858 and there's no face. 415 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,927 Well, there's that, that little one, 416 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,295 but it's not the... 417 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,897 kindly little spooky face... 418 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:45,898 Oh, my God! 419 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,434 What have I done? 420 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,035 Reese, 421 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,403 get my chain saw. 422 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:54,641 I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds. 423 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,976 I wouldn't say he likes it. 424 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,412 He's good at it, apparently, but... 425 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,313 Look... 426 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,648 in my family 427 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,883 we don't go for that. 428 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,885 Probably not a good idea to poke me. 429 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,820 "Probably not a good idea to poke me." 430 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,325 I'm sorry I beat him up, 431 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,394 but how was I supposed to know he was 15? 432 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,662 He was huge. 433 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,897 You should have seen the grip he had on my throat. 434 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,967 CAROLINE: Okay, people. 435 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,003 I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin. 436 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,072 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 437 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,607 Caroline? 438 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,075 Malcolm, I am so glad 439 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,477 you decided to do this. 440 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,845 Now, were you able to get any pledges? 441 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,714 Here. 442 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,786 I don't suppose there's a beer guy around here, huh? 443 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,755 This is a charity race at an elementary school. 444 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,958 Oh. So I have to go to a stand or something, huh? 445 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,960 My God. 446 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,296 Are these real? 447 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,198 Well, I assume so. Why? 448 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,432 Well, look at all of them. 449 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,533 He has more pledges here 450 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,435 than everyone else put together. 451 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,536 If he runs the distance, 452 00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,039 he is going to raise over $8,000. 453 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,170 Ow. 454 00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,805 SPANGLER: Perhaps her name is Mary 455 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,208 or... Wendy or Becky Lou. 456 00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:38,911 It doesn't matter because her real name 457 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,913 is disease. 458 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,315 (laughter) 459 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,384 Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys? 460 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,586 Cankers... 461 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:47,820 lesions... 462 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,422 furuncles-- 463 00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:50,757 such is the pri... 464 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,361 Why, these aren't the proper slides. 465 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,163 Some hooligan has switched them. 466 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,066 Now, this is obviously some ingenious scheme 467 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,368 to humiliate me. 468 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,403 I find myself 469 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,606 so overcome with embarrassment, I can't stop clicking. 470 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:10,843 Although there's probably one in here of a cadet 471 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,012 who thinks he's all alone, and... 472 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,181 well... 473 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,617 technical difficulties. 474 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,353 We will resume the lecture... 475 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,422 with the proper slides 476 00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,591 at 0800 tomorrow. 477 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,459 Gentlemen. 478 00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,531 Remember, son, 479 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,166 a good soldier always checks the chamber. 480 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,473 Okay, this is going to sting. 481 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,577 What is with you? 482 00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:46,546 Nothing. 483 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,247 Usually you scream like a stuck pig 484 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,116 when I put this stuff on. 485 00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,984 You have been such a zombie lately. 486 00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:55,488 It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee. 487 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,824 What are you talking about? 488 00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,828 Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin. 489 00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:04,831 I feel like I have a monster inside of me. 490 00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,835 Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm, 491 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,236 that's no monster. 492 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,938 That's your conscience. 493 00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:14,841 You should be thankful God gave you one. 494 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,242 Yeah. It feels great. 495 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,410 I'm serious. 496 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:18,611 It's a gift. 497 00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,013 And you know what most people do with theirs? 498 00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,915 They keep them in the closet all year and they bring them out 499 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,851 only when they think he's coming to visit. 500 00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:26,953 You're not like that. 501 00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,187 Good for you. 502 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,989 But I can't stop thinking about it. 503 00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,258 Ow! 504 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,761 Were you thinking about it just then? 505 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:35,528 No! 506 00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:36,796 See? I promise 507 00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:38,431 you will feel bad about Kevin 508 00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,367 only as long as you're supposed to. 509 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,436 Now go to bed. 510 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,338 You're a nice boy, Malcolm, 511 00:21:45,372 --> 00:21:46,773 and I'll kick the conniption 512 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,608 out of anybody who says you aren't, 513 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,810 including that little voice in your head. 514 00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:53,846 Okay. 515 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,048 Good night, Mom. Good night, sweetie. 516 00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:59,151 Night, Dad. Good night, son.