Original subtitles

And then there's a big explosion and lots of bubbles.

That's where babies come from.

(laughing)

Oh, well, you know, close enough.

I did the math once.

It turns out, every 17.4 dinners,

my family actually has a pleasant meal together.

Hey, look at this.

I made a pea angel.

Oh, you're a pea angel.

Stop playing with your food.

(laughter)

Oh, Mom...

Don't you dare.

Relax, I wasn't really going to.

Then don't.

I wasn't going to.

Then don't.

Well, don't accuse me of something

that I wasn't going to do.

Interesting mood shift.

It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this.

So let me just put it this way:

dynamite...

kid with matches.

You're going to throw that at Mom?

I wasn't going to.

Oh, geez Louise. Reese...

Hal, I can handle this.

Reese, I'm warning you.

I wasn't going to.

But if you think I would, then maybe I should.

Oh, good. Now he's panicking.

Just put the spoon down and apologize.

Okay, she gave him an out.

Apologize for what?

I wasn't going to do anything.

Just stop talking!

Just stop talking and let me think!

Dad, do something.

I got it.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm being cute and spontaneous?

(laughs)

(laughing)

Ker-splat!

Don't do it.

I wasn't going to.

Yep, this is a good dinner.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(bell rings) Malcolm.

Yeah?

Can I see you for a minute, please?

STUDENTS: Ooh!

BOY: Teacher's favorite.

Teacher's pet.

"Dear... Penthouse..."

"Yesterday I pushed my friend Stevie

down some stairs."

Point... taken.

What?

Malcolm, I'm a little concerned.

You're doing very well in your studies,

but... I still sense

an emotional distance between us,

and I hate it.

I'd really like us to try to connect

on a deeper level.

Whoa. She is coming on to me.

I thought you were dating the janitor.

Who told you that?

God. One drink and...

Never mind.

What I am trying to say is

I know your parents.

I know you have a colorful home life.

So, just remember, if you ever need anything at all--

a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on--

I want you to come to me.

Yeah. That's what I need-- another mom.

Okay. Great. Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I got to go

do the... thing.

And then I drew a robot, Francis.

But my crayon broke.

And then I had a popsicle.

I mean,

I had 12 popsicles.

You like popsicles, Francis?

Shut up, Dewey. Stop bugging Francis.

I'm so glad you're home.

You don't know what it's like

dealing with these little kids all day.

It's the coolest thing.

It's the first time Francis is home from military school.

Mom and Dad are going off to some wedding,

and Francis is in charge of us for the whole weekend.

I can't believe how much I missed him.

Hey.

Huh.

He's so great.

Boys! The number for the hotel is on the counter.

I left money for pizza,

but I want a receipt and exact change.

Yep, that underwear is going to wrinkle.

You know, it's kind of nice having Francis

back in the house, don't you think?

(chuckling)

What?

Nothing. You're just cute

when you think you're being subtle.

Really?

Of course it's nice having Francis home.

Well, it's been a few months now.

Maybe it's time to, you know, think about it.

I don't know. Maybe.

We'll see how he does this weekend.

God, I hate this hairdo.

I don't even know why I bother

trying to impress your family anymore.

They've always hated me.

Well, you are the one who stole

their little Hally away from them.

Better get moving.

And then it got away.

But I found another one, but it died.

And then...

I said leave him alone, you butt-munch.

Let me go.

Make me.

(Dewey and Reese yelling)

Guys, quit it.

Listen for a second.

I just heard Mom and Dad.

They're thinking about letting Francis come home.

You serious?

Yeah. They want to see

how he does with us this weekend.

Okay? So we can't screw up.

Cool.

Let's go tell him. No.

You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.

I am warning you.

If you get your nose pierced,

you are going to military school.

And I mean it. Really.

Do you hear me?

Hey, Mom.

What's for dinner?

Right.

What are we going to do?

We're going to be good, that's what.

How do we be good?

I don't know.

Honestly, it's never come up before.

Look, we're just not going to do anything.

That way, we can't get in any trouble.

HAL: Honey.

We're late. We better hit the road.

Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.

Okay. I've marked all the liquor bottles,

and we can taste when they're watered down.

I've locked out the smut channel on the TV,

counted your father's cigars.

I've checked the odometer on the car.

I know the exact balance of all our credit cards.

We love you. Have a good time.

And just remember, Dewey will tell us

everything you did while we're gone.

Uh, what your mother said, boys.

Minus one.

Don't even think about it.

Think about what?

She's bluffing.

Okay, I am going to show you guys

the coolest thing you have ever seen.

Get me some lighter fluid,

a waffle iron and one of Dewey's stuffed animals.

The furrier, the better.

Actually, we're kind of tired.

Tired?

Yeah. Tired.

I'm not tired.

Okay, yeah, I'm tired.

Let's just go watch TV.

Whatever.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): ...lines up his shot.

I've never seen this kind of excitement...

This plan better work.

The only thing worse than no TV

is golf on TV.

Oh, come on, guys. Let's go outside.

Let's go do something.

No. They're only on the sixth hole.

They're only on the sixth hole.

(telephone rings)

Hello.

Francis, bud, I heard you were in town.

You da man, Francis!

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Same old, same old, man.

(grunting)

Oh, Circus says hi.

Dude, you're not going to believe it.

I finally moved out.

I'm living in the basement now.

Total freedom, dude.

You da man, Francis!

Mom, you're supposed to knock.

Dude, we're coming over.

Okay. Hey, Richie and the guys are coming over.

Maybe they shouldn't.

You know, Mom and Dad are gone.

Okay, got it. Hey, Richie, listen to me.

I'm watching my brothers, so we got to hang here.

And no parties, okay?

I'm serious.

It's got to be just the three of you.

Huh. You wouldn't think only three guys

could do so much damage.

Call us next time you're in town.

You da man, Francis!

(neighbors chatting indistinctly)

* Skyrockets in flight

* Afternoon delight...

Are you trying to seduce me?

(scoffs)

I can't believe we're going to this wedding.

What a waste of time.

Oh, come on, I promise it'll be fun.

Hal, I'm not Dewey.

Sorry. But still, we're alone,

we're away from the kids.

Right now, we're just two unencumbered consenting adults.

I say we enjoy it.

Yeah, you're right.

It will be nice to have some time for just the two of us.

And I'm going to love not having

to yell at somebody every 20 seconds.

Either speed up or get off the road, jackass!

Absolutely deserved it.

(spits) I hate those guys.

Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head?

That's a good lesson for you guys.

It didn't break the first six times.

But did he quit trying? No, sir.

Francis, we have to clean this up.

Yeah.

No. I mean now.

If Mom and Dad see this, they'll freak.

So what else is new? They always freak.

I'm used to it. No!

This is different. We have to clean up.

Okay, what's with you guys? I'm in charge here.

I'm the only one who's going to get in trouble. Just relax.

But we want you to come home.

What?

I heard Mom and Dad talking.

This weekend is like a test for you. Or a trap.

If you do good, they may let you come home.

And if you don't,

they're going to toss your butt

back into military school.

Okay, look... Francis,

it sucks around here without you.

Can't you just try for our sake?

Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment.

But they're not going to decide my whole future

based on how I behave over one weekend

without even telling me about it.

It's too arbitrary. It's unreasonable.

It's Mom.

Okay, let's clean up.

* I'm not done

* And I won't be

* Till my head falls off.

It's perfect.

The house has never been this clean.

Uh-oh.

What?

It's too clean.

You're right.

They'll never buy it.

* I'm not done

* And I won't be

* Till my head falls off

* Though it may not be

* A long way off

* I won't be done until my head *

* Falls off.

Ah. Looks like we're the only ones

who gave them pot holders.

Oh.

Hi. Hi.

It's great to see you.

You, too. You look terrific.

How long do you think it's been?

I don't know.

Will you excuse me?

Oh, that was worth driving 600 miles for.

Who was that guy?

It's the groom, Hal.

Huh.

I wish people would wear name tags at these things.

Oh, perfect.

Nice touch with the bread crumbs, Dewey.

Huh?

I clipped my toenails

on the coffee table.

Attaboy. She will never know a thing.

Wait.

Ta-da!

Ow! (groans)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Malcolm. Ow! Ow.

Malcolm, are you okay?

I think so.

Ow!

Hold still.

Come here, let me see it.

Let me see it.

How does it look?

Not... too bad.

Put his face back on! What?

Oh, man, what's that white stuff? Is that bone?

What?! Reese, get ice and some paper towels.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Sit down. We have to put pressure on it.

Ow! Ow! I'm sorry.

I have to put pressure on it.

Reese, give me the ice! Come on.

We don't have any ice. We got this.

Fine. Give me some antiseptic.

(phone ringing) Don't answer that. Let the machine...

DEWEY: Hello.

LOIS: Hi, Dewey. Hi, Mom.

Hi. We're just calling to check in.

Let me speak with Francis.

He's...

...in the bathroom.

Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

He's in the bathroom.

They're both in the bathroom?

What are they doing in there?

I have to go to the bathroom.

We have to get you stitches. Let's go to the hospital.

No! You can't. Mom and Dad will find out.

Malcolm, this is a head injury.

You could have a concussion.

Concussion? I think he's making too much of this.

I'm not as figgled as he hoogers.

No! I don't care. I'm not going to the hospital.

Do you hear me?

There is no way that I...

Get the car.

I can't see anything.

Do you want to get blood all over the car?

Wait! We can't take the car. They'll know.

Mom checked the odometer, remember?

I'm on top of it.

Whee! Hi, school!

Oh, Malcolm, you should see this!

Francis is kicking ass!

(radio blasting) I hate this '80s crap.

One good thing about a head injury:

There's a good chance I won't remember any of this.

Oh, great. A one-way street.

How does that work if I'm going backwards?

And on this joyous day,

as we celebrate the occasion of two souls

joining into one...

Do you think this is going to be

one of those long services?

What's wrong?

Did you know that your family

has given me a nickname?

Really?

That's nice.

What is it?

Lois... Common... Denominator.

Hey, come on.

It's just that they've never seen anyone like you.

I mean, you're, you're honest, and, uh...

unpretentious.

Direct.

They're baffled by that.

I'm the only one that gets you, Lois,

and, frankly, I...

I like that.

Kind of makes you my secret treasure.

Oh, Hal.

...between the Lord and us, his servants,

two people brought together in love...

(moaning softly)

Oh, for God's sake.

You kids again?

And a head injury.

You boys like to keep it interesting, don't you?

We kind of have a history here.

* I was in the right place

* But it must have been the wrong time *

* I was saying the right thing

* But I must have used the wrong line *

* I was in the right world (loud pop)

* But it seem like it's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. *

Look, Doc, uh, about the bill...

Oh, don't worry. We'll send it to your parents.

Yeah, well...

we were kind of thinking we'd pay for it now.

Okeydokey, but it's probably going to be about $400.

What?! $400?

MALCOLM: Don't you have some kind

of frequent customer discount like at the car wash?

Or maybe we could work it off.

We could empty bedpans, or wash cadavers.

It's probably not nearly as cool as it sounds.

Sorry.

Well, we're screwed.

Come on, there's got to be something

we can do, someone we can call.

There's no one, Malcolm.

Actually, there might be,

but I'm not sure if it's worth it.

(gasping): Oh, Malcolm!

Are you all right?

Sorry it took me so long.

I was having a little Chardonnay when you called,

and I had to take a cab.

Oh, God, I knew we made a deeper connection.

I just knew it.

Now, I know it's going to be hard

to turn against your parents, but in time, you'll see...

No! You don't understand.

My parents didn't do this.

It was just an accident,

and they can't find out about it.

What?

It's kind of complicated.

See, my parents are away at a wedding,

and my brother is home

from military school to take care of us.

And, you know, I don't think people

should be punished just 'cause their dad uses cheap nails.

And we need... We need $400, lady.

Will you let me talk?!

We need the money for the doctor bill

because if my parents find out that I got hurt,

then they'll send Francis away, and we'll never

see him again, and, you know, we love him.

Malcolm, I can't do that.

But you said, if I ever needed anything...

Yes, I was talking about emotional stuff.

I... Do you have any idea what a teacher earns?

I have $62 in my checking account.

They take credit cards.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm-I'm just sorry.

We can break her. Guilt. Go for guilt.

I got it.

That's okay.

Thanks, anyway.

Well, squirt, looks like I'm

going to be going back to military school

and I'm not going to see you for a really,

really long time.

But I need you to be brave.

Can you do that for me, huh, squirt?

Stop, Francis!

I wish I could, kiddo,

but I can't.

(Dewey crying)

Why are you doing this?

I'm not doing this, Dewey.

It's just the way life is sometimes.

(Dewey crying)

Please stop crying.

It hurts! I know it does.

It hurts me, too.

Wait! I'll, I'll do it.

I guess Jamaica isn't going anywhere.

Where is my credit card?

It fell out of your wallet.

How did that happen? It...

Let's go.

Processing is right over there.

It's right near the vending machines.

Do you have any change?

Thank you.

Way to take one for the team, buddy.

When we get home,

you can eat ice cream until you puke.

(still sobbing): Yay.

(whooping and laughing)

(groaning and exclaiming)

Huh. Well...

I don't see any holes

or crappy attempts to plaster them up.

But I'm sure there's something.

There's always something.

What are you hiding underneath that hat?

Nothing. I was just wearing...

You boys.

That's it?!

So, you guys think Francis did a good job

taking care of us, then?

Oh, a great job.

Yeah? LOIS: Absolutely.

You know, Francis, we were having our doubts

about that school, but it's really matured you.

In fact, I think it's the best decision we ever made.

(chuckling)

Mom: 62,437.

Kids: zero.

So, we get to see Francis again in a month or two.

I know. It sucks, but we gave it a shot.

And school's easier now because Caroline won't even

make eye contact with me anymore,

so it wasn't a complete waste, and Mom always says

it's not a wasted experience if you learn something from it,

and I definitely think I did.

Okay! Ready!