Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting from the start,

deals with suicide from the start and contains strong language

CLOCK TICKS FAINTLY

ICE CLINKS IN GLASS

PHONE RINGS

Hello? MAN: - Beth.

-Nick. -What's this text?

You've sold her house and spent £240,000 on a policy?

Yeah, I did. Erm, so, the solicitor...

She's not going to live that long.

Well, we don't know how long she's going to live.

But the point is, for however long she does live, she's covered.

So she's got good care and a good home and...

And neither of us need to worry our frazzled little heads

about any of it any more.

That's £240,000 that we would have inherited, eventually.

-It should have been discussed. -I did discuss it -

-with her solicitor. -With ME.

Discussed with me!

And Abi... Gail.

It's got nothing to do with Abigail.

And you know she was a saver, Mum,

all her life she saved for a rainy day. Well, this is her rainy day.

-It costs £5,000 a month in that care home. -How much?

And if she lives for more than three years, which she could easily do...

-How much? -..then she's covered.

This is 24-hour, round the clock dementia care, Nick.

This is someone who is doubly incontinent,

and regularly wide awake at 3:00 in the morning,

singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B!

And insisting she has to get to Marks & Spencer before they close!

It never stops...!

And it doesn't come cheap.

Well, could you not find somewhere cheaper?

-No. -What about the NHS?

Oh, what planet do you live on?

-So, well, what do ordinary people do? -We ARE ordinary people.

They sell their houses and spend their savings

and give up their careers and do it them self.

That's what ordinary people do. So...

...fuck your inheritance!

Because this is the way the cookie crumbles

when you don't visit your own mother for six years!

Arsehole!

SHE STIFLES A SOB

SHE SNIFFLES

STUTTERING SOB

PHONE BUZZES

Oh...! Fuck!

-Jess. -Oh, snotty.

Sorry. Erm... I thought you were Nick.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Why?

Do you want to be in me rock band?

You what?

♪ Let's start a riot

♪ We won't be quiet

♪ Riot women gonna set this world on fire. ♪

Me rock band. I'm going to form a rock band.

-Why? -For fun. For the refugees.

There's a talent contest. The school are organising a talent contest -

for the parents, not the nippers - and I thought we could enter.

So I need you on board, cos you can play the piano.

Hang on. What...?

Right, look... So, I went to school assembly this morning

cos Rocco was being a tree - he was very good, actually -

and it was all about the refugee crisis.

Which one?

Oh, uh...

Ukraine? Syria? Yemen? Sudan? One of them.

Anyway, it was all about, "What can I do?"

"What can I do to help?"

And then, Charlie, the head, said that the parent governors

had decided on a talent contest.

-Why was Rocco a tree? -A tree... before an explosion and after.

It was heartbreaking.

Yeah... Well, it would be.

Yeah. So, anyway, there'll be a bit of all sorts,

you know, like, erm...

-..singing, stand-up, ventriloquism. -Oh, really? -And I thought...

..rock band. Why not? Steve left his drum kit when he cleared off.

It's been going mouldy in the garage for God knows how long.

And I've always fancied a crack. So, erm...

So, I thought we could do a cover, you know, like, uh...

Like, maybe ABBA? Waterloo, something like that.

Take A Chance On Me.

I thought you said ROCK band?

Yeah, well, not ABBA. I just thought it'd be easy.

Well, easier than... you know, Nirvana.

But, Beth, it can be anything.

Anything we can get our heads around.

Thank you.

-Sorry. How's your mum? -The same. Just the same.

Oh, bless.

Anyway... Come on, lovely. What do you think?

Oh, please say yes. I could do with a bit of a laugh,

and I know you could.

Beth?

Beth, you still there?

♪ I'm only happy when it rains

♪ I'm only happy when it's complicated

♪ And though I know you can't appreciate it... ♪

-You all right, boss? -Keep smiling. -♪ I'm only happy when it rains

♪ You know I love it when the news is bad

♪ Oh, why it feels so good to feel so sad

♪ I'm only happy when it rains

♪ Pour your misery down

♪ Pour your misery down on me

♪ Pour your misery down

♪ Pour your misery down on me

♪ I'm only happy when it rains

♪ I feel good when things are going wrong

♪ I only listen to the sad, sad song

♪ I'm only happy when it rains

♪ I only smile in the dark

♪ My only comfort is the night gone black... ♪

PHONE: - Emergency. Which service do you require?

♪ I'm only happy when it rains... ♪

SOUND MUFFLES

FAINT SIREN

You on a bass guitar? Oh, my giddy God. Can I come and watch?

The more the merrier. It's all in a good cause.

Can you actually play, though?

This lad said he'd lend me his and give me a few tips.

And, you know, if the worst comes to the worst,

I can just stand there looking cool, jiggling about for 3.5 minutes.

-You won't look cool, though, Holly. You'll look like a dick. -Thank you.

-Who's on drums? - Jess. - Do I know her? -Landlady down The Duke.

-Purple hair. Or is it green at the moment? -Oh!

I love her. She's off her nut. She can play?

-She's... -No. -No.

But she reckons she knows somebody who can play keyboard a bit.

Do you need a singer?

9-2-4-2, code six.

Cos I am properly crap at singing, so it sounds like I fit right in.

We're not going to be crap. We're going to be...

We're going to be OK. So you just keep your negative nonsense

in a little box on a little shelf inside your little head, all right?

Your sister's shit at singing as well, so shall we both turn up?

-You all right, love? -She's down here.

Somebody said she got hold of a load of knives?

Yeah, they're still in the packaging.

Right, well, can you clear the store for me? I want everybody outside.

-She a regular, love? Do you know her name? -No. Sorry.

Oh...

SHE SIGHS

- PA SYSTEM: - ..we appreciate your cooperation

and apologise for any inconvenience. Thank you.

Hello, love. You all right?

Whoa. I'm going to need you to put the knife down.

SLURRING: - You don't want to be coming any closer,

-cos it's all broken glass all down here. -We can sort everything out.

But first things first, I need you to put the knife down.

-What's your name, love? -Whose? -Yours.

-Why? -Just asking.

How stupid. What's she want to know my name for?

Just put the knife on the floor, nudge it towards me,

-and then we'll deal with everything else. -What's happened, lovely?

Nothing. I just dropped me vodka.

OK, but you've been behaving erratically,

-and people are concerned, so... -Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-And you've clearly had a bit to drink, so... -I wasn't nicking it.

I was going to pay for it... Do I look like a criminal?

-Is that what you think I look like? -How many pills have you taken?

Seriously, none. They was Tic Tacs.

So, concentrate, I want you to put the knife down,

because it's upsetting people.

I haven't got a knife.

You've got a knife in your hand.

Other hand.

-There it is. -Oh... -So, I want you to put it down

onto the floor gently, and kick it towards me.

I would, but...

It's taken long enough to get this little sod out of the package.

-What are you going to be needing it for? -Well, between you and me,

and the gatepost,

I've been having a bit of a shit day.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I had some bad news last Tuesday...

And there was some more excrement on top of that on Friday,

and there's just some other stuff occurred this afternoon.

It's just...

...all gone downhill from there.

Well, we want to help you, all right?

Nothing so bad that we can't sort it out, so...

Yeah, well, you say that. But you know fuck all, bitch!

-So, don't be so glib. -Do you want to talk about it?

-Fucking hell... -Are you all right?

-I'm having hot flush...! -Oh, you're a bit young for that.

Oh, the fucking bastard started early, didn't it?

Have you considered HRT?

-Ah! -Drop the knife, drop the knife. Let go!

-Drop it! -Ah!

Uh!

Ah! Ah, you fucker! Oh...

Oh!

Ah!

I'm arresting you for Section 5, Public Order.

You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned

something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?

9-6-7-5. We've got a 1-1-2 female. No name.

SIREN WAILS

So, Princess Peach, you going to tell me your real name?

Christ. You still here?

Just because the custody sergeant wouldn't let you into his cells

with all that painkiller, vodka cocktail inside you

-doesn't mean you're not still under arrest. -Oh, give me a break.

What are we waiting for now, mental health?

I suppose so.

Where's the other fella?

Nisha? Gone home. Her shift finished.

So did mine, but we tossed a coin to see who got the pleasure,

-and, hey, I won. -It's all wasted on me, all this sarcasm.

-Do you want to know a secret? -No. -Today's my last day.

When I finally finish this shift, if ever I do,

-that's me done, forever. -Yeah?

30 years.

So what?

-Big fat pension? -Well, hardly.

But a pension, yeah.

-Yeah, you paid off your mortgage? -Almost.

My mum chipped in, so I was lucky.

And freedom... Well, I say freedom. She's got dementia, so...

-You live with your mother? -No, she's round the corner.

-What about yourself? -What ABOUT myself? -Today?

I'm not judging you.

From a police point of view, I really don't give a toss.

I'm hoping when mental health turn up, they'll advise me

you're not fit to be detained. I'm just asking...

...as one menopausal woman to another.

Well, I ain't got a mother, cos she died when I were nine.

Ain't got a mortgage, either.

Are you...

...Kitty Eckersley?

As in your dad is Keith Eckersley?

Well, he was.

If he's alive.

Last I heard, he was in Spain.

If you're going to run a police check on me, just do bear in mind

most of it's made up by you lot.

Wow.

Keith Eckersley...

So...

So, what about today, Kitty?

-What happened today? -Change the fucking record.

Are you still feeling suicidal?

Well, I guess I'll be discussing that with my mental health team.

If they ever show up.

-Jesus Christ. -You going to be sick again? -No.

Won't be doing karaoke with this throat...

RHYTHMIC PIANO PLAYS

SHE PLAYS ABBA'S WATERLOO

-Oh, shut me up if I've said it before. -You've said it before.

No, but I can't stand to even listen to the news any more.

-Mum, you say it every day. -Do I?

-Every other day. -No, but it's true, though, Jerry.

It started during the pandemic, when we were all waiting to hear

how many people had died the day before.

And then, one day, I just switched it off.

Cos when you look at it, it's all bombs, rocket attacks, refugees,

poverty, inequality, exploitation, hunger,

anger, shootings, torture, hatred, abuse, misery.

And you know what's behind it all, Jerry?

-It's men. -Yeah, Mum... -Every time, men.

Mum, I'm going out tonight. Can you look after the babies?

-We're not babies. -And it's just getting worse. -Mum?

Tonight? No, I'm busy.

It is. I agree, it's all men.

Doing what? Shut up, Jerry!

Oh, my God. This band meeting, uh, practice.

Don't tell Jerry to shut up.

The band practice for this charity bash. I have told you.

-You're not serious? -Of course I'm serious. In fact, I was going to ask

you if you can keep an eye on Auntie Mary, Miranda.

-Why does somebody have to keep an eye on me? -Miranda? - Yeah?

-Uh, sure, of course. -Oh, my God.

Actually, I did have a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking,

"Oh, blimey, what have I gone and said I'll do now?"

But it'll be fine. It'll be fine. And here's the thing, Jerry...

Men make wars, women pick up the pieces.

-This is it. -So, Putin starts this war in Ukraine,

and you're going to sort it all out by making a fanny of yourself

-in a talent contest? -Correct.

Shit. Bet Volodymyr Zelensky wishes he'd thought of that.

What a numpty. Bet he's kicking himself.

You can take the mickey all you like.

I'll be the one on the right side of history.

Who's doing behind the bar if you're doing that

and Miranda's keeping an eye on Auntie Mary?

I don't need anyone keeping an eye on me.

You are. You're on the rota.

I've just told you I'm going out.

-You haven't told us where. -Like that's relevant.

-Your mum just likes to know where you are, that's all... -Oh, Jesus,

Jerry! You don't even live here!

-Don't get involved. -Dyson's coming round tonight, so me and him

can do the bar and keep an eye on Auntie Mary.

-You do need keeping an eye on, Mary. You go wandering. -And the babies?

Why have you fixed up to go out when you know you're on the rota?

You do know you can't just call up your mates and be a band, don't you?

You do know people spend years of their lives

learning to play an instrument?

And you do know that, traditionally, there is talent involved?

It's for fun. It's for charity. I don't need to be that good.

Well, she has got a point, though.

Probably do have to know what you're doing just to sound, you know...

-...bad. -Well, I've got Beth, she's musical.

-Which one's Beth? -Beth. Old friend from school.

Actually, her mum and my mum were at Greenham Common together.

And Auntie Mary, she was there for four years.

They were going to change the world.

Yeah, look how that turned out.

-Right, I'm off. -Oh, bye, Jerry. -I'll see you when I see you.

-You drive safely, all right? -See you, Jerry. -See you later.

-Missing you already, Jerry. Jerry-atric. -Oh, my God...

-What have I said? -She's kidding. -I'm not.

-See you later. -See you. -See you, love.

Where'd you find 'em, Mother?

What's your band going to be called, Granny?

Well, thank you, Rocco, for asking such a lovely can-do question.

Well, so far, we're all women of a certain age, so...

The Old Bags Department?

THEY LAUGH

See, I quite like that.

The Bim Bags? Bimbo, bin bags. Get it?

Ooh. She's on fire.

INDISTINCT CHAT

Let it go, seriously. She's miserable with everyone.

She's miserable because her husband left her,

because her son has a crush on his in-laws,

so she barely gets a look in, even at Christmas.

And because she's not getting any younger.

Oh, and her mother's got dementia, so...

And just because she's head of department,

don't run away with the idea that she's some genius teacher

with a mad infectious passion for the written word.

-The kids think she's a boring old... -Oh.

-Morning, Beth. -Morning.

-Morning. -Morning, Beth.

BELL RINGS

Amy? You printed out your worksheets?

Oh. Um...

-You made her cry. -She's not three.

Or 16, even, or 17, or 23. She's 26. She's got a master's degree.

I shouldn't have to point out every morning that she has to print out

-her worksheet. -Yes, but there are ways of saying things.

On three occasions, she's wasted valuable lesson time

because she's failed to print out worksheets,

or printed out the wrong sheets, twice.

Twice she's done that. I just simply pointed it out, which is my job.

She might be 26 but you're... twice her age?

More. And we have a duty of care. YOU have a duty of care.

You interviewed her, you chose her.

I liked her. I still like her. I just...

You have a responsibility towards her.

And you have a duty of care to me...

...as well, in fact.

And I'm not too great right now.

It's a tonal thing, Beth.

I nearly killed myself last night.

I was there with a blue nylon rope.

I poured myself a very large G&T.

I'd written a note to...

...to my son, Tom.

I had the thing around my neck. I was ready to go.

And the phone rang, twice.

Can you believe that?

I'm like Uncle fucking Vanya, I can't even kill myself properly.

What I'm going to do, Beth - and this isn't to humiliate you,

and I don't want you to hear it like that -

I'm going to ask Barnaby to mentor Amy going forward.

It's a step up for him. It's one less thing for you to worry about.

An apology wouldn't go amiss,

but I can see that might not be where you are just now, just yet.

But...

Yeah, that's where we are now.

Do you think that women of a certain age can become...

...you know, invisible?

I mean, seriously, can someone say,

"I nearly killed myself last night," and you don't even kind of hear it?

-Have you been to the doctor? -What doctor?

-Your doctor? -No.

Oh, well, a while ago.

He put me on antidepressants.

He said they won't work for three months,

so I didn't bother with them.

I know you've had things to deal with over the last year,

with your marriage and so forth, and I sympathise with that, I do,

of course I do, but...

...there's only so many times you can bring it into work with you.

And, Beth, you shouldn't exaggerate.

When did I exaggerate?

Not about self-harm.

I wonder why you think I'm exaggerating.

Again, maybe it's the tone.

Let's keep talking.

And do remember our new policy

of maintaining a community of trust.

Do you ever feel like you're living in an alternative universe?

No.

SHE GASPS

Shit!

Kitty.

I made you some tea. Come on, it's 1:30.

I need you to get moving. I need you to be out of here.

-I feel like shit. -Yeah, well, let's get some breakfast inside you,

and then you need to get down into Hebden Bridge and get on a bus.

-I need a shower. -You can have another shower,

-and then you've got to get up to the council offices in Halifax. -Why?

We talked about this last night.

So they can sort you out with a temporary address

and put you on a waiting list for something more permanent.

You know it'll be like some shitty infested bed and breakfast.

Only till you're eligible for something more permanent.

In two years. Fuck that.

Yeah, obviously, it's better if you can persuade a friend

to let you have a room or a settee for a bit.

-Do you want some muesli? -God, no.

-Tea? -Thanks.

-Has it got...? -500 sugars? Yep. Come on.

One of your boys came in earlier to find his shoes, Adam.

-Think I shocked him. -Yep.

He's fit, isn't he? Who'd he get that off, then?

So, I'm going out in about half an hour

to see a fella about a guitar.

-So you need to get your backside into gear... -Do you know what?

-I'm all right. I'll stay here. -No, Kitty.

I took you in cos all the hostels were full last night,

and because I personally would never see a woman who's bleeding

as heavily as you are, who's just tried to end it all,

sleep on the street.

But I've got a house full with both boys still at home,

and I need my settee, I need my front room.

I've done what I can - it was an emergency -

but you've got to help yourself now, all right?

PHONE RINGS

-Mum, hi. -These aren't my biscuits.

Sorry, bi...? What biscuits?

I wouldn't give this sort cupboard space, so it's a mystery

how they got in here at all.

Right, I tell you what, I'll be round in a bit.

I was in A&E all night with...

Anyway, I ended up doing overtime and didn't get back in

-till 4:00 in the morning, so... -It'll be that Veronica.

Anyway, I've told her not to come again.

-I'm sick of her. -She comes round to help you.

-She's just doing her job. -I'm going to put the chain on in future,

-and then she won't be able to get in. -No, Mum...

Well, I say I'll put the chain on. You know, she can get through it.

-What do you mean? -She brings a fella in during the night,

and they have sex in my little back bedroom.

-Sorry... What? -Veronica.

-She doesn't. -Oh, no, she does. I've heard them.

-What fella? -Well, I don't know. -Mum, why would Veronica

sneak into your house in the middle of the night

-to have sex with a fella? -Well, they'll be having a fling.

-Mum, she's... -They can't go home if they're cheating on their partners,

-can they? Think it through. -She's a carer.

She's a professional carer, she'd lose her job.

-She wouldn't do that. -Says you.

Nobody can get into your house at night

if you lock up properly, Mum.

Well, SHE can.

-Well, have you seen them? -No. I hear them. -Well, so...

-How do you know it's Veronica? -I recognise her voice.

-Have you said anything to her? -No.

She's a big woman. What if she turns nasty?

-I'm coming round. -When?

-Yeah, now. -Oh, OK.

So, what are we doing about these biscuits?

I'll deal with the biscuits. See you later. Bye. Bye-bye.

Right, come on, shower. Whatever.

I need you to be heading down to that bus stop,

cos I've got things to do.

-I mean now! -Urgh!

I don't need another shower.

Fucking hell.

-Not with your shit shampoo. -Cruelty-free shampoo.

And you do need another shower, love.

I've got a bit of business to see to myself, in fact, so no problem.

So grateful. "Thank you so much." "No, the pleasure was all mine."

Ooh...

-Up, Kitty! -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

LINE RINGS

VOICEMAIL: - Hi, this is Tom. Please leave a message.

PHONE RINGS

You can fuck off.

Right, fuck it!

TYRES SCREECH

How are you, Miss?

-Calvin. - Do you play? -Guitar? No. Do you?

Calvin, you know this morning

when you held open the door for Aliyah and Jo,

quarter past eight this morning,

heading in through the science block door?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Did you not see me

loaded with books and bags just behind you?

-Was you? -Yeah. Or did you see me and think,

"Oh, whatever, she can manage"?

Or did you just not see me?

There's no wrong answers. I'm just doing some research.

The last one, obviously.

Cos, of course, I would've held the door open

for a lovely lady like yourself, if I'd seen you.

I was less than ten feet away and closing in.

Probably gazing at Aliyah's assets.

Course you were.

Sorry.

OK.

-I'd sell my granny's arse for that Gibson. -Mm.

Hello, hello. You just looking, guys, or...?

I was thinking about buying a new keyboard.

Sure, do you want to...? This way.

-Is it for yourself? -For myself, yes.

Right, so we've got these models. Start around the 350 mark.

Very popular with people such as yourself.

I'm in a rock band. I need something a bit more dangerous than that.

OK. What kind of...?

I was thinking of a more... proper-big digital doo-dah.

-Oh, nice! -Miss, did you say you were in a band?

-Yeah. -What sort of stuff do you play?

-Punk... ish, mainly, that kind of vibe. -Oh.

You don't normally get keys and synths in punk bands.

Yeah, well, we're kind of experimental.

Although Devo, the Screamers, Atari Teenage Riot,

-yeah? Nice. Exciting. -What's your band called, Miss?

Riot Women. We sing songs about being middle-aged

and menopausal and more or less invisible.

-Wow. -Yeah. And you thought the Clash were angry.

MUSIC: Weak by Skunk Anansie

♪ Lost in time

♪ I can't count the words I said

♪ When I thought they went unheard

♪ All of those harsh thoughts so unkind

♪ Cos I wanted you

♪ And now I sit here, I'm all alone

♪ So, yes, it's a bloody mess

♪ Tears fly home

♪ A circle of angels deep in war

♪ Cos I wanted you

♪ Weak as I am

♪ No tears for you

♪ Weak as I am

♪ No tears for you

♪ Deep as I am

♪ I'm no-one's fool

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Am, Am

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Am I too much for you?

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Am I too much for you?

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Am I too much for you?

♪ Weak as I am... ♪

CAR ALARM WAILS

SHE YELLS

-Hey, I'm calling the police right now! -Where are my things?!

-Did you hear me? I said I'm calling... -You call the fuckers,

it's 999. I want my things,

-you lying, two-faced bastard! -I'm filming all this.

Think they might be interested in your little...

SNIFFS

...habits...

-Shut the fuck... -Oh, there she is.

There's your shit from your grubby little shag pad.

Now, you stay away from my husband, you two-bit whore!

Hey!

Arsehole!

♪ Weak as I am

♪ Weak as I am... ♪

You fucking disgust me.

Right, foot down, Fakir.

ALARM CONTINUES

Twat!

PHONE RINGS

-Tom. -Oh, hi. How's it going? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Um, thanks for calling me back. -I didn't know I was.

Yeah, called you about an hour ago.

Ah, OK. Well, I was just ringing... Hang on,

-what are you ringing me for? -Well, I was just wondering about

whether you've heard anything from the adoption services about...

-...about your birth mother. -Oh, er...

No, I've not heard anything, no.

-It's been four weeks. -I know, yeah, but, er...

Well, they're probably as short-staffed as everybody else,

aren't they? I WILL let you know, Mum, if I hear anything.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Obviously, I'd like to know.

Yeah, of course.

-OK, so... -So... yes.

So, I was ringing you because

you know how we were coming over for Sunday lunch

at the end of next month on the 27th?

Yeah, for my belated Mother's Day.

Is it possible that we could push it until the 17th of the month after?

We've been invited to an engagement thing with Fern's friend Alicia.

Obviously, it's a big one-off thing in Surrey, so...

And all of our Durham friends will be there as well,

so if we miss it, we miss it, whereas...

Yeah. I'm just going to go now because...

...I've literally just got back from work

-and I'm still sitting in the car. -Oh, sorry.

-No, no. -Well, look, let me know when you get a minute, won't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I will, I will.

-Bye! -Bye! Bye, bye, bye, bye.

LAUGHS: - No!

-You did well. - That was really bad. -You did well. - No.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

DOG BARKS

Oh, hallelujah.

I just got your message just now, and I was just passing, so...

I left that message at, like, two o'clock this afternoon.

I've been stuck in theatre all day.

First with a woman who came in with a cord prolapse,

then I had a woman with a retained placenta after the cord snap,

and then I had a woman with a third-degree tear.

Yeah, seriously. When I started this job 200 years ago,

you delivered one baby at once. Now I'm racing between three different

-women in three different recovery rooms. -And breathe.

-What's that for? -Oh, this lad I arrested a couple of months ago

lent me his bass.

Jess round The Duke asked me to do this charity thing, so...

Just tell me about Mum.

So, yeah, so I went round to Mum's.

No sign of any break-ins or anybody doing anything

they shouldn't be doing in her back bedroom.

So I finally got to speak to the doctor, and apparently...

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, hang on.

SHE CHUCKLES

-What? -Aw! -What?

Oh, just this guy I met...

-...on my dating app. -You didn't?

Yeah. Seen him a couple of times, and, yeah, he's...

Still living with his wife? Hung like a hamster?

-Collects bus tickets? -He's all right.

Actually seems quite normal compared to, you know, some of the others.

So, yeah, anyway, apparently, this is one of the things

-that can happen when they get dementia. -What is?

You get people coming having sex in your back bedroom?

No, they get auditory hallucinations.

-Eh? -Yeah. Look it up, nurse.

I deliver babies. Why would I know anything about geriatrics?

They were slow when she said it. I mean, she's deaf!

She couldn't hear if Veronica was having sex with a giraffe

in her back bedroom, never mind some fella.

Anyway, the point is,

for her, it's real.

And she's frightened.

And I know you don't want to think about it, but...

...I'm wondering...

...if it's time she came to live with one of us,

cos she's just not coping properly...

SHE SIGHS

...any more.

Yvonne!

SHE EXHALES

-Do you want to be in a rock band? -What?

MUSIC: The Passenger by Iggy Pop

They're young, they're busy, the world's their oyster,

I understand that. It would just be nice once in a while

not to always be the one being shuffled off onto the back burner

again. And I know it's silly,

but I worry he might not tell me,

even if his birth mother did get in touch with him.

-Well, why wouldn't he? -Oh, I don't know.

To protect my feelings, I can imagine him saying.

I just...

What?

I worry she'd be such a novelty,

and he'd be so taken up with her that...

Oh, come on, she might be a novelty for five minutes.

Why shouldn't he have a relationship with her if that's what he wants?

I just sometimes feel that

they've all had the best of me for years.

And now that I've got nothing left to give, I'm dispensable.

I'm boring and dispensable.

No, you're not. Oh, come on. Look, whoever the hell she is,

-she's not going to replace you, Beth. -Sorry.

Going on.

Hey, I've got a secret.

-You have? Have you? -Just the one.

SHE CHUCKLES

OK.

I bought a subscription to these online drumming lessons

about six or seven months ago, and they're really good.

It's all pre-recorded, so, you know,

you don't have to talk to anyone or anything.

And I play with these, like, dampener pads on the heads

so no-one can actually hear me in the garage.

-So you can already play? -Yeah. Well, you know, badly.

Yeah. So when they mentioned the talent contest, I thought,

"This is it. This is my chance to come out the closet."

I can be as bad as I like,

and everyone will actually think I've done quite well,

considering I've only been at it a few short weeks.

-Let's have a look. -Come on, then.

COMPETENT DRUMMING

SHE LAUGHS

-Whoo! -Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Why is that a secret?

Can't exactly practice in the house, can I?

Auntie Mary'd think the aliens had landed.

-You should, though. -It's not that.

It's all the smart-arse comments I get from bloody Chloe

whenever I try and do anything a bit different.

She's so rude about Jerry. Honestly, bless him.

I mean, I know he's a bit bloody ordinary, but so am I.

Oh, Chloe. Tell her to fuck off.

I know.

I do!

Now and then. It doesn't make any difference.

-You're not ordinary, by the way... Ooh! -Steady.

Far from it. I...

Bit weird, but I remembered something today.

I was in a music shop in Leeds, and it all came back.

Years ago, I bought an electric guitar.

I was in the sixth form, I think you must have just dropped out.

I had a Saturday job and I saved 120 quid,

and I bought an electric guitar and a little amp,

and I had completely forgotten I'd done that.

Hang on, so... so you can play?

Oh, no, no! No, I didn't persevere.

I don't even remember what happened to it. I must have sold it.

I could never fathom the manual, beyond the basics,

and it never occurred to me to get lessons. But I had that desire.

And so did you, didn't you?

Way back then. Why do you think we never talked about it?

-We listened to enough music. -It would've been all right

-if we were lads. If we'd have been lads, it'd have been cool. -Jess...

I bought a keyboard this afternoon, a serious keyboard.

-Seriously? - Mm. -Oh, my God. Was it expensive?

Mmm...

I thought, "Fuck it. Why not?"

I've been so low lately.

With, uh, Mum,

and Martin deciding to bugger off for some reason

that's never been clear to me.

And Tom and work. But this... this really fired my imagination.

This really made me think, "Yes!"

For the first time in longer than I care to remember,

a buzz of something not unlike actual joy.

Oh, babe!

-Can I say something, though? -Yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure about Waterloo.

Oh, we don't have to do Waterloo.

I think we could do something much angrier.

Something more about us.

Women like us who are where they are in the world,

and then suddenly, all this nonsense happens

-that they never even saw coming. -Yeah.

-Difficult parents. -Oh, my God, Auntie Mary.

Midlife crisis husbands. And your child's still doing your head in.

-Still. -And then the menopause. -Oh, fucking menopause!

Tearful at every tiny stupid thing. The anxiety, the brain fog.

-Yeah. -And in the middle of all that...

-...you become invisible, even to yourself. -You're right.

-Even when you're screaming and shouting, you're invisible. -I know.

-How does that happen? -I don't know. Mad.

Just when you thought you'd got traction in the world,

just when you finally think, "I've got it sorted."

-I know. -So I think, whatever we do,

we should do it with attitude.

We can do whatever we want.

PHONE RINGS

Hang on. Miranda.

-Miranda! -Where have you gone, Mum?

There's a couple of ladies asking after you at the bar.

-Right, OK. They're here. -Oh! -Woohoo!

-Come on. Come on. -Oh!

-Oh! Hiya, Beth. -Chloe, you look...

Don't wait up.

-Another new fella? -God knows.

-Thank you. -You getting this round in?

-Yeah, I'll get this one. -Cool. -£12.50 a round...

-Jess? -Yes? -We're the singers.

-I'm Nisha. - Ahhh! -Hiya! - Fantastic!

-Aww! Yeah, this is my sister, Kam. -Hi!

-Hiya, hi. This is Beth. Beth? -Hiya.

Beth's playing piano. Keyboards. And these are friends of Holly's.

Holly's playing bass. You've not met Holly yet. So you work with Holly?

-I do, yeah. Kam's a hairdresser. -Hi.

And we're both tone-deaf, so we're going to nail it.

-Oh, yeah. We do owt for a laugh. -You're tone-deaf?

SINGING BADLY: - ♪ Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to

♪ Dah-dah-dah-dah - BOTH, OUT-OF-TUNE: - ♪ Waterloo! ♪

-Well... -♪ My fate is to be with you... ♪

...I had a thought about that, actually, in fact.

What I was wondering was, instead of doing Waterloo,

-we could sing something else. -Yeah. -Like what?

Well, um, for instance, I was thinking of...

SISTERS SQUEAL

Here she is!

-Hiya! -The newly retired lady of leisure, Holly Gaskell! Brrrrap!

-Get out the champagne, Miranda. -No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes. Come on, 30 years! It's the end of an era.

You can't retire from the force without a glass of champagne.

-We've got it all ready. -Not for me. I'm gas intolerant.

I've brought Yvonne, my sister.

She did guitar years ago when we were young, so...

-Hello. -Hello. -Right, Beth, Holly, Yvonne.

- YVONNE: - So what's the plan, exactly?

Need to know what nights you're rehearsing, how long for.

Cos I've got a lot of other commitments.

Also, when is this event?

-Um... -And have you got someone who can actually sing?

Cos that's the key to something like this.

They don't want someone who can sing, they want someone who's shit!

Well, hang on, we don't want someone who's shit.

We just don't mind if they aren't perfect.

I thought it was a lack-of-talent contest.

-Lack-of-talent contest?! -What she said.

No, that was a joke. It's a... it's a talent contest,

but it's local, so it'll all probably be a bit, you know, shit.

-But that's all I meant. -And we're performing what?

-BOTH: - Waterloo! -Let's get it on the karaoke.

-Can we turn the karaoke on, Jess? -No, no, no. It's board games night.

This lot'll panic and clear off if they think it's karaoke night.

We're not rehearsing, we're not having a boogie?

No, no, we're just discussing.

-I-I, er... - MIRANDA: Here you go, bubbles, Mum. -..can I suggest...

-Champagne? Champagne? -Ooh.

Can I just suggest that we don't get too hung up on Waterloo?

What I was wondering was

whether we shouldn't cover something a bit edgier.

-I like Waterloo. -Oh, it's a good pop song.

But if you're talking about being in a rock band,

then surely you want to be doing something a bit more...

-More, um... -Yeah. I mean, wouldn't it be kind of cool if we...

...if we could do...

Well...

Well, what is the ultimate rock and roll song?

-Ooh, er... -Oh, God.

-Ultimate rock and roll song? -Pass.

Is it Smoke On The Water? Layla? Back In Black?

-All Night Long? -Edge Of Seventeen?

It Smells Like Teen... Armpit?

SISTERS LAUGH

Satisfaction!

I'm talking about Satisfaction. Can you imagine Satisfaction

sung by women, women of a certain age -

well, most of us - isn't that interesting?

-Yeah. -I'd do anything.

As long as I know which strings to twang...

Pluck? Pick? Pickle? YVONNE: - Hang on, Satisfaction?

Think it through, the words. It's all wrong.

-We can't sing that. -Why not? -We're women.

-So what? It's funny BECAUSE we're women. -Is it?

-Oh. -Well, poignant, then. Like we're still up for it.

I think it's funny and poignant.

But not nearly as funny as a bunch of 80-year-old blokes singing it.

-No, you don't, it's stupid. -It's not stupid, it's...!

It's challenging.

It's a suggestion.

Look, if we don't want to do Waterloo, why don't we do...

Ring, Ring. Honey, Honey. Money, Money, Money.

Ooh! ♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme... ♪

-Voulez-Vous! -That's still kind of missing the point

I was trying to make about edgier, but, um...

Is it meant to be edgy, though? Is it not just meant to be a laugh?

Sure. I'm just suggesting

that we can be edgy if we choose to be.

Let's just stick with Waterloo, for God's sake.

I need to know dates, I need to know what nights you're rehearsing,

where, how long for, and the date of the actual thing.

Yeah. Let's not try and actually enjoy ourselves, eh?

What, by being angry?

Yvonne just likes to pin things down.

Be clear about dates. It's her way of enjoying herself.

Sure. Well, I've got things I could be doing myself this evening.

I just don't think we should be doing Waterloo

just because it's the first thing that Jess thought of,

which she admits might not be the right thing.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Champagne?

-No, I'm driving. -Oh, right, OK. So, look,

I think the date the PTA are working towards is the 17th of next month.

But why is she... Why are you even here, Yvonne, is it?

If all you care about is how much this is going to inconvenience you?

Because I don't like letting people down at a later date

if I haven't established all the facts in the first place.

Thought that was a bit of a no-brainer.

Sorry, can I just say...

Congratulations to Holly!

HOLLY CHUCKLES

No, 30 years of public service! Come on!

Cheers, sweetheart. It's amazing. Amazing.

Thanks. Not awkward at all. YVONNE: - Fine, whatever.

Let's sing a song that makes us all look like lesbians.

-God's sake... -I don't mind looking like a lesbian.

-I am a lesbian. -I don't mind looking like a lesbian.

She is a lesbian, actually.

Right, OK. Tell you what, Jess,

you phone me when you have decided what we're doing.

Because I've got a pile of marking that I need to be doing.

-So I'll see you later. -Beth... Oh, Jesus!

Beth, I'll ring you. I'll call you.

- DISTANT SINGING: - ♪ Mine is forever

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ When they get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ When they get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ And the sky was all violet

♪ I wanna get more violent, more violent

♪ And I'm the one with no soul

♪ One above and one below

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ When they get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ They get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I dare you to

♪ I told you from the start

♪ Just how this would end

♪ When I get what I want

♪ And I never want it again

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to go

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ It's my life

♪ All mine, all mine

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, take everything

♪ Take everything! ♪