Original subtitles

This is a car programme.

There will be no cushions.

There will be no rag rolling.

No-one will sing.

And at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract.

This is our new base.

And this is our purpose-built test track.

There are no traffic jams here.

Well, apart from this one.

And no bus lanes, either.

This is Top Gear.

MUSIC: Jessica by The Allman Brothers Band

And in the show tonight I put two supercars head-to-head.

Jason Dawe on what to do when car dealers attack.

£5 short of three grand.

Richard Hammond will try to beat a speed camera.

And a star in a reasonably priced car.

Hello. Now, two family hatchbacks.

The Ford Focus and the Volkswagen Golf.

Both have five doors, both have 1.6-litre engines,

and both cost around £12,000.

That's how much family hatchbacks cost.

Or do they?

You see, on Top Gear we found one you can buy in Britain,

no tricks, brand-new, for less than £9,000.

This is it.

It's the Citroen Berlingo Multispace.

And, I admit, it's a curious-looking thing.

That's because it started out in life as a van.

All they've done is add some windows here, sliding door,

some snazzy seats, where the cement used to go, and, hey presto.

Garnish it with some metallic paint, some alloy wheels,

and you can even have a diesel version for £8,995.

Thing is, though, are you getting what you pay for?

Is it like cheap wine? Will you wake up with a headache?

Well, to find out, I took it down the M20 to Booze Burrow,

for a trip to those supermarkets of Calais.

First impressions are that I'm driving a van.

It's quite echoey in here, and not terribly refined.

Most central locking systems, for instance, these days, they go

"Bzzt" or "Krrr".

But listen to this.

RATTLING AND CLANKING

It's very uncouth.

In essence, then, the Berlingo is very loud.

Very Van Halen.

But there is a softer, Van Morrison option.

For the same money, you can have a 1.6-litre petrol engine,

which develops the same power as a Mark 1 Golf GTI.

With that under the bonnet,

this would feel much more like a normal car.

But how many normal cars have you ever come across that have got

green dashboards, with green dials?

And how many normal cars are there with five glass panels in the roof?

And these roof bars, which swivel sideways,

so you can carry a bicycle?

Whatever a bicycle is.

No doubt about it,

the Berlingo is turning out to be astonishing value for money.

# And fortune comes in threes... #

It is possible to buy a number of other cars for Berlingo money.

But none of them will be this size, none of them will be

this well-equipped, and none of them will have something

that we're really looking for on this new series of Top Gear.

It's an X-factor.

See, this - this is a perfectly acceptable car.

But this... I don't know, it's more than a car somehow.

You'd want to bring it in at night, let it sit by the fire.

Give it a saucer of warm milk, a little wheel to run round in.

It's got the most important thing that a car can have - character.

And now the coal is back in Newcastle.

The Berlingo is back where it came from.

And I still can't find anything really wrong with it.

The turning circle's not much cop,

and there's a fair bit of road noise.

It's not terribly sporty, either.

But it is very comfortable.

Hand on heart, it rides like a Jaguar.

# Hook me up a new evolution... #

I could go on all day, giving you swings and roundabouts,

but the fact of the matter is, basically, I like it.

Right, here we are at one of those Calais hypermarket,

cash-and-carry booze warehouse jobs

and, boy, have I got the car for the job.

Let me show you what I mean.

We've got storage space up here,

up here and here above the driver.

In the back, there are two extra glove boxes,

and then, if we slide that open,

we've got a cubby hole here under the floor.

And another one there.

Then we simply fold the seats down like so

and we have a cavernous boot.

And I haven't finished yet,

because if we open the tailgate,

there's another overhead locker here

for a further ten kilograms of booze.

So...let's shop.

I want, erm, that one. That case, there.

It's all terribly exciting, all this cheap booze,

but you have to be careful because if customs suspect you're bringing

stuff back that's not for your own personal consumption,

they'll confiscate it and your car,

and they're currently confiscating 30 cars a day.

So I caught up with the shop's owner and his girlfriend

to talk about this.

Because I was reading in the paper

that if I were to put 500 bottles of gin in the car,

which I'm legally allowed to do... Absolutely.

..customs have said, "Well, you'd never get through all that."

How can they say that when Maggie Thatcher

told us to stock our larders up?

I mean... With 500 bottles of gin.

Yeah, but if you drink a bottle of gin a day,

that's only a year and a half's supply.

That's not a lot.

Fizzy Liebfraumilch.

I don't think I'll be able to convince customs

that's for my personal consumption.

No.

Other people were going berserk,

perhaps cos they didn't like their cars very much.

Perhaps they wanted to have them squashed.

The trouble is, I really am very...very fond of this car

and I don't want customs to crush it, so...

There we are.

I saved a few quid.

Well, pence.

Now, I should explain at this point that other vans are available.

There's the Fiat Doblo, which is a trifle cheaper than this,

but I think I'm right in saying it's the slowest-accelerating car

that money can buy in Britain today - 0-60 is 21 seconds.

Then there's the Ford Tourneo Connect.

That's over £10,000.

You don't even want to think about that, it's so awful.

And then there's the Renault Kangoo.

That's OK, but basically, it's not as good as this.

You have to have a Berlingo.

The question is, diesel or petrol?

Well, to help us decide that, I've been joined now by

Top Gear's new car trader,

pocket-sized chap Jason Dawe. What do you reckon?

Petrol. Really? Yeah, don't bother with a diesel.

Makes it feel too much like a van. It did feel like that.

Going down the motorway, there was the "grrr" noise

and you just think, "Look, I've saved enough money here."

You can save even more at the minute. Really? Yeah.

They are doing a facelift on this car,

which means they'll change the bumpers and bonnet

and a couple of bits, but it will basically look the same.

What it does mean is Citroen have some old models.

They need to get shot of them. These ones, basically? Yeah.

This car? Yeah. So, what are they doing?

They're doing a deal. You can get all of that off.

So that means instead of 8,995, you can get a 1.4 for 7,700.

77 for one of these? 77, yeah.

That's the bargain of the century. Cheap as chips.

Good tip.

Right, if I could just sum it up,

it's like Gerard Depardieu.

Slightly swollen middle, broken nose,

but there are hidden talents. And it's not just me who likes it -

everyone in the Top Gear office likes it.

All the crew here like it. Everyone, apart from him.

He doesn't like it very much, but everyone else does.

And the people who like it most of all

are the family of Albanians that I inadvertently brought back

into Britain in each of the wheel arches.

They've written to me from their new house in Leatherhead, The Hollies,

to say that it will always hold a special place in their heart.

Great car.

You know how, when you're making up a list,

as you do, of the world's greatest race cars?

You've just got to include the Ford GT40,

and here's a reminder of why.

So, they built one of the most successful race cars ever, great.

But that gave them a problem,

because try as they might, they struggled for years

to build anything remotely as glamorous ever again.

Until they came up with a really good idea.

The best car to replace the Ford GT40 was the Ford GT40.

I mean, this is the new car and - come on - you're not fooling anyone.

It's, OK, four inches higher and 18 inches longer

than the original GT40,

but it is a GT40.

Basically, they put the plans for the old car on a photocopier

at 110% and said, "Enlarge."

But it is a lot cleverer than the old one.

It's loaded with technology. Take a look at this.

Do you want to see the engine? Right, there it goes.

That's going to take a moment or two. In the meantime,

you've pulled into a petrol forecourt,

obviously everybody's going to be looking at you,

but if they're not, this should tip it.

Have a go. Here we go. Let's get to the fuel. Look at that!

That's just to put your petrol in!

That's unbelievable.

We can possibly squeeze in and have a look at the engine now.

It's a 5.4-litre V8 supercharged.

That's about 500 brake horsepower. That should be enough.

Bear in mind, this is a very, very light car indeed.

But take a look inside.

You've got to have a look. This is just...

It's just breathtaking.

Look at the switches.

Each one looks hand-carved from a lump of aluminium.

And the gaiter round the base of the gear lever.

Look at that! None of that nasty rubber full of bits of biscuits

and old chocolate.

Of course, this isn't real. It's a pretend one.

I don't know what it'll be like when they make it.

Yes, they are going to make it.

Ford have announced this week

they will be putting this into production.

But it's going to be expensive.

It's going to be on sale in America from 2004

at about $150,000 apiece.

And you're going to be very, very lucky even if you've got the money

to get hold of one.

They're going to be incredibly exclusive.

Basically, you're going to have to know somebody at Ford.

Other items in the news this week...

The government has announced that it's going to spend £145 million

on the road network over the next five years,

which works out at £29 million a year

and that's enough to pay for three and a half miles of motorway a year.

Wow. Think of the freedom we can enjoy with that.

Three miles a year. Looking forward to it.

I'm excited. Three new miles of motorway. Car news.

Fiat, first of all. They are in deep trouble.

They're currently losing £2 million a day.

Well, they've got a new model

which they think is going to stem the flow.

There it is. Look at that. They're saved.

They've saved it. They'll be fine with that!

It's an Estate version of the Stilo

and it is actually very important this works,

because if Fiat goes to the wall,

they will take with them Lancia, Alfa Romeo,

Maserati and Ferrari - and of course they won't go to the wall

cos they're going to get bought by General Motors.

So, if you don't buy one of these,

General Motors gets Ferrari.

It's that simple. So buy one.

News now of the new Micra.

A rather gorgeous-looking little thing, as well.

Mm!

AUDIENCE OOHS

That's actually not it, though. That's the only thing. Ah.

Lovely though it is. They will do that eventually.

This is going to be the new Micra, which is...

Well, it's all right.

That's not bad. I've always quite liked the Micra, myself.

The important thing about it, though, is, loaded with technology,

even in a small car.

It's even going to have - and you've probably seen this -

keyless entry, so you walk up to the car...

I've got some experience of that and there is a slight problem,

because you keep a little smart card in your wallet,

you get out the car, push a little button, doors lock.

You walk away and you think, "Is that locked?"

So you walk back to check, of course it recognises the smart card,

sees you coming, it's open.

Er...

You could be there for days! You could.

The only way you know whether it wasn't locked is someone nicks it.

Yeah, that's the only way you'd find out for definite.

Now, this.

We all know the Smart, the one that's been around for a few years,

the one you can park nose-on to the pavement,

but now they've got delusions of grandeur,

and they've launched - I think we've got some footage of it here -

two versions. There's a coupe

and there is a cabriolet.

Now, the cabriolet's interesting.

You've got an electric folding roof,

rear engine with a turbocharger on it,

you've got rear-wheel drive, big, fat alloys,

antilock brakes, traction control.

Basically just like a 911 Turbo. Yeah.

OK? Except a 911 Turbo is £90,000.

This, the car you're looking at here,

11,750. What?!

AUDIENCE OOHS

That was the least convincing "ooh" noise I've ever heard in my life.

Wow. I mean, 11,750. That is incredible, actually.

If this is the future, now, here,

I'm not scared of that any more. You can bring it on.

Take as much of the future as you like. That's stunning. 11 grand.

Take a moment now to talk about Formula 1.

What are we going to do about Formula 1?

MAN: Might as well scrap it. Scrap it.

MAN: Kill it. Kill... No, the problem I've got...

I've been working out - the problem here is very simple,

is that Ferrari have completely dominated the...

Now, we've got a photograph of what Michael Schumacher's going to do

next year to try and keep it... There we go, look.

LAUGHTER That's what he's going to do next year to try and level it out a bit.

But, really, the problem as I see it is

that the teams have taken over,

the technology has taken over.

Now that they've got traction control and gearboxes that change

for you... And I heard the other day that the teams, the pit crews,

can actually tune the engine from the pit wall.

What, no spanners? Oh, no. We'll turn the revs down a bit.

No, one of them developed a fault, a BMW one,

developed a fault and they rerouted the oil

without actually bringing it in. They did it remotely.

And you just think, "Where's the driver?"

The driver is the big hero. He's the guy I want to watch.

It was like the Second World War, you had fighter pilots,

they were the big heroes. After that, they were racing drivers.

I want to see heroes. I don't want to see geeks in black clothes

going, "Ooh, well, if I just fiddle with this laptop

"we'll make it go faster."

In fact, I'd execute them.

LAUGHTER

I would. I'd shoot them in the back of the neck with a 9mm.

I want to see drivers... Take... I want Formula 1 unplugged.

Rip out all the technology and give us proper racing again.

CHEERING

Do you know, Jeremy, that...

That was strangely touching, your desire for heroes.

I'm just fed up with this. I don't blame Ferrari.

I can't blame them.

They built a better car, they won. Just get rid of all the technology.

It's, "Aargh!" I think computer-animate the entire sport

and get rid of them all in real life.

Right, here's some stirring news for us,

in that it's a very stirring car -

the new Bentley Continental GT.

That is a very, very big car indeed.

I think it's gorgeous. You're a bit...

It's fine. It's got a slightly Vanessa Feltz-y rear.

LAUGHTER Yeah, there is something of her.

But the important thing about the car is the engine, right?

Powering that is a W12.

Massive engine.

It's the same engine they put in the Volkswagen Phaeton,

which I've already driven at 200 miles an hour.

Exactly. They decided at Bentley, not enough girl stuff.

Strap a couple of turbos to it, see how it'll do then.

Which is great, but it's given them an interesting problem.

It's now chucking out so much torque,

that they can't tell us how much torque it's putting out.

Every time they strap it to the machines they measure it on, it breaks them.

These are the size of a building, these machines. They strap it down, tie it all in...

You could tie it to this base here and it would spin the whole studio around.

That's exactly what would happen.

So, unfortunately, they can't tell you how powerful it is.

Just lots and lots of torque.

Now, bit of a challenge.

Old people get quite bad press.

We're forever reading about them

driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I think we've got some footage from a CCTV.

Here we are, little old dear.

Oh, no! Going to the seaside. Oh, no! Brake! Brake!

Oh, no! And she's... Didn't do it.

And of course, she turned out to be 170...13. Yeah.

The thing is, though, we don't think that old people

are as bad as everyone makes out.

So, here's what we're going to do.

We know grandmothers can make a doughnut,

but can they do one?

And a doughnut is... Here's the footage, OK.

Here's me going round and round in a TVR. That is a doughnut.

Now, if you're a grandmother -

and you have to prove you have grandchildren -

and you think that with a bit of tuition you could do that,

drop us a line.

The address is...

Or you can look on our website, which is on an internet.

Somewhere. Somewhere.

Right, that is enough old people and enough money-saving Citroen vans.

Let's have a look at this. Excuse me.

This is Italy's newest supercar from Italy's newest supercar maker.

It's called a Pagani Zonda.

And it is exquisite.

It's exquisite on the inside, too.

Look at this. Just a wall of aluminium

and shammy leather and carbon fibre and look at these air vents.

They're like periscopes.

Erm, anyone want to see the engine?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Right, well, let's hop out and we have to...

Could you just grab the other side?

You have to undo the leather buckle -

very 21st century -

push the little button, OK?

And there it is. Look at that. AUDIENCE OOHS

That's a Mercedes-Benz 7.3-litre V12.

You want to hear it? Yes!

Problem is, health and safety, OK?

They've told us we mustn't start cars in the studio, all right?

But I don't think they'll hear.

Ready? Foot on the clutch, Jeremy. That'll help.

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think we got away with it. I don't think they heard us.

Now, do you want to know what it feels like to drive?

Yes! Watch this.

The similarities between the Zonda and an F15 fighter are obvious.

Both have glassy bubble roofs at the front and a lot of engine behind.

And both have styled exhaust outlets.

There is one difference, though.

In the F15, you don't get much sensation of speed.

Whereas in the Zonda, you do.

The key to this car is its engine.

It was built especially for Pagani by Mercedes

and it is a masterpiece.

For me, a huge chunk of a car's appeal is the noise it makes

and the noise this one makes is just astonishing.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, ooh!

But even better than the baritone backdrop

is that under the super-light all-carbon-fibre body,

you have a 555 brake horsepower wallop.

Not since the Germans and the Italians teamed up

in the Second World War

have we seen power like this.

The top speed in fifth is nearly 200 miles an hour.

But I'm moving out of fifth gear now

and into top gear.

And now my top speed is 220 miles an hour.

Whoa, a bit of a twitch on the braking.

And, oh...

Whoops.

This car is an immense achievement.

Plainly, it's very well-made.

It's astonishing to behold.

I mean, really astonishing.

Can't believe that Pagani's come from nowhere

and come up with this.

It's a proper, proper supercar.

In fact, as I see it, it only has one problem.

It must face up to the new Lamborghini Murcielago,

the latest in a long line of raging bulls

from Italy's maddest supercar maker.

It's the ultimate automotive pin-up.

Or is it?

Ever since Audi bought Lamborghini,

I've been worried that the Germans would try to

bring a bit of order to the chaos,

that they'd try to sanitise the madness.

This is the first Lamborghini where you don't need to have the body

of Jean-Claude Van Damme to drive it -

look, you can change gear with one finger.

And the steering doesn't feel like it's set in concrete.

And the clutch...

The clutch is like stepping on a marshmallow.

However, some elements of Lambo-ness do remain.

It still has the ultimate pub car park accessory -

gull-wing doors.

And check this out.

When the engine gets hot,

air-intakes slide out of the buttresses.

Then, there's the meat.

The engine.

It may only be a 6.2-litre V12 - the Zonda's a 7.3, remember -

but, amazingly, this is more powerful.

It serves up 571 brake horsepower.

So, this has more grunt,

but this has less weight.

So which is the fastest?

HE SIGHS

Well, let's find out.

ENGINES REV

Four-wheel drive means that I have to get the car rolling gently

before flooring it

or I'll cook the clutch and...

Oh-oh-oh!

120.

Into fourth.

Look at that Zonda go!

I'm being annihilated!

150.

Into fifth.

And that's 160, and I have been destroyed.

Destroyed!

So does this mean, then, that Audi has turned the raging bull

into a timid little veal?

No.

Not even slightly.

What they've done is turn it from a supercar

into what feels like a small, nimble razor-sharp sports car.

The old Lamborghini Diablo was like a chest of drawers

with a jet engine, but this...

This, you feel like the organic part of a machine.

This is by far and away the best Lamborghini ever.

Not just the prettiest and the easiest,

but the nicest to drive.

It's so good, it's better than any current Ferrari.

But astonishingly, it's not as good as the Zonda.

This is the new king of supercars.

So that's it, Jeremy, you are saying the Zonda

is better than the Lamborghini, job done, end of story.

Yes, if you're six years old,

and you're looking to put a supercar on your bedroom wall,

this is the one, you're going to put this up, not the Lambo.

Yeah, small point - six-year-olds buy posters.

What if you're actually buying the real cars?

There is a bit of a price issue here.

A small one, I admit.

Yes, the Lamborghini is around £160,000,

and this is £310,000.

Right.

But, in its defence,

you do get a free pair of shoes made by the Pope's cobbler

with this, and...

LAUGHTER

No, no, you do.

More than that, you get 12 months' free membership of the RAC.

12 months?

LAUGHTER

12 months free?

I'm not joking, you get 12 months free.

But I want to be the one who makes that call.

I want to break down, M6, February, Friday night,

"Hello? Yes, it's my Zonda, it's gone.

"I think it's the engine management. You'd better bring a laptop."

Right, well, there's one final test for this, the Zonda, and the Lambo.

Now, let's face it, nowadays 0-60 times, absolutely meaningless.

Top speed figures, totally meaningless.

What really matters is how fast a car can lap a test track,

and fortunately, we've got our own test track

for that very purpose.

So this is it, just under two miles of fast straights

and tricky corners designed by the test drivers at Lotus.

This one, Chicago Bend, is a steady state corner

that really loads up the outside tyres.

Then there's Hammerhead, a tricky left and right

that provokes understeer.

This one, Follow-Through, is supposed to be flat out,

but death awaits the first man to try it.

There are corners with tricky bumps and cambers

designed to test brake balance,

and in this one here, a badly set-up front wheel drive car

will struggle to put its power down at all.

Right, that's the track.

Now we needed someone who could tame it.

So we got ourselves a professional racing driver

who could post consistently fast lap times.

We, erm...

We couldn't do that.

Now, we call this thing The Stig, OK?

We don't know its name, we really don't know its name,

nobody knows its name, and we don't want to know,

because it's a racing driver,

and racing drivers have tiny little brains,

and therefore worthless opinions and they're very dull.

Doctors actually call it Mansell syndrome.

Its job is simply to go out there and drive fast,

so first of all, we put it in the Lamborghini.

Immense power, as we've already discovered.

You've got four-wheel drive, you have to trickle it off the line,

then nail it.

Right, coming over that little light lift now,

and he's coming through Willson Bend,

let's see, does it step out of line?

He's into third.

Ooh, look at that, look at that!

Massive, massive oversteer right,

and through the Hammerhead, no understeer at all.

Incredible. Big oversteer, trying not to hit those tyres on the left.

And he's through!

So how does it handle Carpenters Corner?

This is where you really want to nail it.

Oh, look at that!

Every power car that goes around our test track

is going to set a lap time,

and we're going to put those lap times up here

on our power lap time board.

And the Lamborghini was?

1 minute 29, which is extremely good,

so I'm going to put that up here. OK, fine.

Now, we know the Lamborghini...

Jeremy, I can't get "Lamborghini Murcielago" on here.

A simple "Lambo" will perhaps suffice.

I think I might have to.

There we are, 1.29. OK, it's on.

Now, we know that the Pagani is faster than the Lamborghini

in a straight line, we've already seen that,

but the Lambo, I've driven it, is faster round the corners,

so let's put The Stig in the Zonda, see what happens.

# You see the sky... #

He's coming into the first corner here, how's it looking?

Oh, it's looking a bit wobbly, but...

Oh, is he still on the track?

Yes, he is. Now he's got to get it right the way back across

the other side to get it...

This is the hard one.

Look at that, he is really having to fight that car.

Even I found it difficult through there.

Now he's coming up really, really hard and fast,

he's hard on the brakes, 110 metres, that's 150mph,

all the way down into second gear.

He's actually going to have to use first on this car.

How much is the understeer through the Hammerhead Corner?

God, he's actually managed to get some oversteer there.

Good Stig! Well done, Stig.

It really is quite a drive, this one.

Right, Follow-Through, let's listen.

No, little dab of the brakes there,

he's gone through the Follow-Through without following through,

and fighting the wheel up through there,

a little bit on the brake there, on the power...

Oh, that really is wet out there for this one.

Now a dry bit here... No, it's still wet. Look, bit damp.

Brake hard!

And he's into Bacharach Bend,

breaking again now for Carpenters Corner.

Tail slide, but he's still kept the power on,

and he's done it.

I should apologise for the easy listening soundtrack

going on there. It's The Stig,

it likes to listen to the sounds of the lounge as it goes round.

We've no idea why. Perhaps it calms it down.

Anyway... Grim, but no need to apologise for that time.

1 minute 23, that is six seconds off the Lambo's time.

And the incredible thing is it must have made it up in the straights,

all that time, because I know, I drove both cars,

the Lambo's faster through the corners.

That is where it has the power. 1 minute 23.

I honestly can't see that being beaten throughout the entire series.

I think we've peaked. Neither can I.

But if you think you've got a car which is faster than that,

if perhaps you've tuned it, implausible, I know,

but there you go, if you think you have, why don't you get in touch?

You can either use text messaging,

which you have to have a cellular telephone for,

or write to us using a quill,

or go on an internet.

Right, there is a story going round

that says if a car goes fast enough past a speed camera,

when the second flash goes off, and it needs that to verify the speed,

the car won't be there.

It's going so fast, it will have left the shot entirely.

So in the name of scientific endeavour,

and under controlled circumstances, we had a go

so that you don't have to.

We've got together everything we need to do this.

A piece of track, straight, obviously.

We've got a speed camera.

Oh, and a really fast car.

And The Stig to drive it.

Honda Civic Type R.

Lots of people have got these.

It'll hit 60mph in 7.2 seconds and go on to a top speed of 146mph,

but will that be enough to beat the camera?

# Raindrops keep falling on my head... #

So how fast was that?

Well, I've got the pictures back.

It was 129mph, and here's the first flash.

There is our Honda Civic doing 129.

Plainly in shot. And the second photograph.

Ah. It's still there. Still there.

So 129 isn't fast enough. No, that won't do it.

But we didn't give up, we had another go,

and we'll do that later on. Good.

Now, when most comedians-cum-actors make it to the big time,

they buy themselves a big-time car.

Rowan Atkinson, for instance, bought himself a McLaren F1.

Steve Coogan got a Ferrari 355.

Norman Wisdom...

Well, forget that one.

Anyway, our guest tonight, when he made it to the big time,

he bought one of these.

Are we ready?

Right, here we go.

Look at that.

It is a Vauxhall Cavalier convertible.

Plainly, this guy was devoted to making people laugh

even when he was on his way to the supermarket.

Shall we meet him?

Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Enfield!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Harry, how are you?

What in God's name possessed you to buy one of those?

It's an absolutely lovely car. Very reliable motor, the Cavalier.

But I did feel like a bit of a, you know, because I had sort of

become slightly famous, and you find yourself...

It's the only convertible I've had.

You go up to the lights in the middle of London,

because I've always lived in London, sitting at the lights

and you have got the roof down, and people crossing the road in front

of you, and they look in and they see it's you.

SILLY LAUGH

"You, innit? Loadsamoney!"

SILLY LAUGH

And you're just stuck there because the light's red.

Look, here, there is a magazine, the convertible correspondence

for the Vauxhall Cavalier Convertible Owners' Club.

You appeared in this, and this is my favourite bit,

under "famous owners."

An occasional feature.

They haven't been able to find anyone since who's got one,

and you said it was better than a BMW.

Did I? Yeah.

Well, I think it is. It's better than a BMW.

MAN SHOUTS OUT: Yeah. Yes.

Which bit of it did you think was better than a BMW?

Well, I think I thought the price was better than a BMW.

LAUGHTER

Fair point. Probably.

Interestingly, when you decided that it was time to part with

the Vauxhall Cavalier convertible, you were getting even more famous

at the time, you went backwards and bought a Rover 200.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Again, what in God's name possessed you to do that?

Because most work in our industry is done in Soho,

and there was a shop in Soho that sold Rovers,

so I went in there and bought the Rover.

Forgive me, Soho, it's close to Park Lane,

on which, from memory, there is Aston Martin, Jaguar, BMW,

Lexus, McLaren, and so forth. Right.

Right. You could have gone to any one of those shops,

not to the Rover one and bought a Rover 200...

But the Rover was IN Soho, and they were about half a mile away,

and you know, they're...

So is this why you swapped the Rover for a Metro?

Yeah. Same place.

LAUGHTER

When you are going round to, say, see Rowan Atkinson

or whoever at the time, in your Cavalier or your Metro

or your Rover, did they say, "Harry," and take you to one side,

maybe try to give you some advice...

No. In fact, it did actually happen once.

I never talk about sort of... but I do have an abiding memory

in my head of driving round to Rowan's house...

This sounds very showbiz, but it's the only time it's ever happened,

and Robbie Coltrane was there, and Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie,

and they all had nice cars, and I arrived in my Cavalier.

And they were all outside, it was a nice day,

and they were all talking about each other's cars,

and they looked at me, and I looked at them,

and no-one ever mentioned it.

Just no-one ever mentioned the car, none of them, ever.

Anyway, what have you got now?

Now we've got a Mercedes estate.

Very nice. Very nice, yes.

It's very small. And?

It's too small. And my wife has got a Mini.

Very good. Have you seen this?

Yes, I want that car, it's called a Volvo.

I want that car. It's got seven seats...

Oh, there is a picture of it on the screen.

That's a Volvo.

Because I'm not allowed to drive, my wife likes to drive,

so I have to sit in the other thing,

and at the moment, I sit in our car like this

with an airbag here.

This one looks very big.

I either want this or the BMW one, which we tried out,

it's fantastic. No, you don't.

It's great, it's fantastic. I assure you, you don't want that.

It's the ideal car for my wife to drive,

because she's got blonde hair and we live in Notting Hill,

and that's the car that people drive.

You're not just here to chat today. Aren't I?

No. Because earlier today, we had you doing some work.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

You see, the thing is, every week, we are going to run an item called

A Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

We've got the star, obviously.

What we then needed was a reasonably-priced car.

Now, we talked to Hyundai, they said no.

We talked to Nissan, they said no.

We talked to Daewoo, they said no.

Then we talked to Suzuki, and they said, "Sure, have a Liana."

£9,995 on the road.

In fact, it's over there, there it is, and what a beauty it is.

The most beautiful car I've ever seen.

IMITATES CLARKSON: In the world.

In the world, absolutely.

And the idea is that every week, our star will take that round

our test track, see how fast he or she can do it,

and then we'll post that time on a board,

and at the end of the series,

we'll be able to name Britain's fastest celebrity.

Trouble is, of course, we weren't going to let you out first of all,

I had to try it with the other guys, and, er, this is what happened.

Go!

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

34mph.

No, look at this, it's going well.

I once drove a supertanker that was a bit like this.

Similar circumstances? We're going off, we're off.

We're off the track!

Bit of track with us there.

Which is a paint job.

Anyway, we got the tracking fixed, and the gearbox,

and I posted a time, even with big Jason in the back,

of 1 minute 50 seconds.

Now, we're currently cutting your lap in the edit suite,

we'll be showing it later.

How fast do you think you might have done it?

I don't know, but it was very fast.

Was it? Yeah.

I can't remember what comes next.

Oh, I know, we're going to see

if we can get that car to go through a speed camera.

We're going to try and beat a speed camera.

So do you want me to stay here or go?

No, have a seat. Roll your sleeves up.

Great. Would you like a drink?

Yeah! Chill.

Earlier on, in the name of scientific endeavour,

we tried to see if it was possible to go fast enough

to beat a speed camera.

We used a Honda Civic Type R, it did 129mph,

and it was still there for the second flash.

You might think this thing would be the one to do it in.

It wouldn't, it's only a pretend one, 20mph, tops.

So we got hold of a faster car.

Right, then, this should be worth a go, the Mercedes CL 55 AMG.

At 89 grand, not only does it cost as much as a house,

it's nearly as big as one.

But it'll still do 60mph in 4.7 seconds,

and it'll cruise all day at 155 as easily as your car will do 30.

But will that be enough? Let's find out.

Go on, then.

# What's it all about, Alfie? #

Well, we've got the pictures back, and here they are.

148mph, and, oh, dear,

there he is in the first one,

and still there in the second one.

That isn't fast enough, we're going to have to try and go even faster,

and we will do that.

OK, so far in the programme,

we've shown you how to save money on a family hatchback,

we're trying to save you some money on speeding fines

by showing you that if you speed up, you can get around them,

and now we're going to give you the biggest money-saving tip

of them all.

There's been a lot of talk in the newspapers and on the radio

these last couple of weeks about people running their cars,

diesel engine cars, I should say, on vegetable oil.

There's been so many people trying it that up north,

one supermarket chain is now rationing the amount of oil

that it will sell to individuals.

Now, the thing is that you CAN run a car on vegetable oil,

and it's not completely brilliant.

However, I've been joined here by Jason Taylor.

You reckon you've got a little additive

that makes the whole thing better, yeah? Yeah.

So what we've got here is some normal vegetable oil?

That's used vegetable oil from a Mexican restaurant.

Used? Used, yeah.

Why used?

Well, we find it gives it a bit of better power to the engine.

Really? So all these bits, we have to strain those out,

obviously, so put that over here,

one of these J-cloths, OK?

And in we go.

So that'll collect the bits.

Look at that.

And you reckon this'll work?

Yeah, it's like Golden Elixir, that stuff.

LAUGHTER

Does it make the car smell a bit?

It is actually, different restaurants,

you can tell what you're running it on.

LAUGHTER

Seriously? Yeah.

So if we run a car on this,

it's going to smell essence of where it came from?

Yeah. OK, that's in there like that, fine.

Now, what have you worked out you have to add to that?

Right, well, just to make it a bit more runny,

you add a solvent, and for this experiment,

we've got a non-kerosene-based white spirit. OK.

It has to be non-kerosene-based for tax reasons.

OK, and how much do we have to put in?

In 97ml of vegetable oil,

put 3ml of that in there.

So that's about that much. Mm-hm. OK, let's just pour that over here.

OK, so we add that.

OK, and then we whisk it up.

Actually, you don't really need to whisk it, but...

So is that ready to go now? That's ready to roll.

Well, no, you should let it stand for at least a week or so.

And how much does that cost for a litre?

About 3p plus the tax.

Oh, you have to pay tax? Mm.

If you didn't tell Customs and Excise, that's 3p.

If you do tell them... You have to tell them.

Oh, of course, you have to tell them.

You have to tell them. Right?

And how much are they going to charge?

26p, but check with your local Customs and Excise office.

That's about 29p a litre.

You've got to fill a couple of forms in. Yeah.

29p a litre. Do you have to modify the engine?

No. Just any old diesel will do?

Yeah. And it's fine?

Yeah. Performance?

The same as diesel, maybe even better.

And you reckon we could tip that into a diesel car and it'll work?

Yeah.

Got to give that a go, haven't we?

This is a Volvo 740.

In the front, there's a diesel engine, and in the tank at the back,

nothing, it's empty.

Listen.

Start the engine...

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Can't start the engine, no fuel.

And we can verify that, look.

Here we have an independent adjudicator.

You'll verify there's nothing in there?

There's nothing in the tank.

We've drained off 25 litres, it's completely empty now.

Right, brilliant. Well, if we go round the back and look in the boot,

we find a big container full of vegetable oil

from El Rio in Macclesfield.

Now, we have added a splash of white spirit,

and he's going to pour that into the tank.

Right, it's now been converted from a car-nivore into a herbivore,

but of course, being a diesel, you can't just start it,

you have to bleed the system first, which you've done?

All ready to go. System bled, no air locks in there.

Good, let's close the bonnet.

If you want to step in, and let's see if it starts.

If it does, I shall be astonished.

ENGINE STARTS

That's amazing.

Go, go!

£1.50 a gallon, and it's working.

Wow. It's actually still going round out there. And is it green?

Environmental? Yeah. Apparently so, yeah. Wow.

Anyway, Harry. Big news. Your lap has been edited.

Do you want to have a look? Yes, please.

Who'd like to see Harry's lap?

ALL: Yes! OK, here we go.

Hope I don't die. Ready, steady, go.

It went skid. 30mph!

Now I'm going at 40mph.

50 miles... Blimey.

Oh, yeah, that's supposed to be...

Take that down. Wahey.

And nicely controlled.

Whoa!

Little foot on the brake. A little tiny bit.

And into second. Lovely. Take it round, into second.

Heh-heh.

Yes, I can feel some kind of braking thing happening there.

Me, braking the car.

And oh, yes, whoa, hey, I lost control of that.

Nice. That was fun.

Finished. I'm the winner!

In a race of one.

APPLAUSE

There were a couple of things I want to bring up on that.

On one of the corners, I think it was Bacharach Bend there,

the tail was out.

You're a bit of a hypocrite, you came off the bloody circuit. I know.

I'm saying, this is praise. Oh, this is a good thing, is it?

It's a good thing!

Here I was, Cavalier Convertible, Metro, Rover 200, I assumed,

father of three, I assumed that you'd be useless.

Well, I was useless. No, but you weren't!

You put your foot on the brake, and it doesn't skid,

it's got that ABS braking thing.

Yeah, that'll do, yes. So you go, eeee!

In the third, because it doesn't really go in fourth.

But it's very nice. That's what I call a proper A-to-B car.

Want to know how fast it was? I reckon... Shall I guess?

That was 1:48, I was 1:50. 1:47.

LAUGHTER

I've got some disappointing news for you. Oh, no.

Enfield, I just put you up here,

you're the very first star in a reasonably priced car.

Enfield, two minutes, one second.

And that's only 11 seconds off the pace, and that's not bad.

I've been driving around there all day. There you go, put you there.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Enfield!

APPLAUSE

Right. Time now for some insider dealing.

Jason, what have you got for us this week? First of all, the Mini.

Great news for Harry.

At last after his appalling run of bad luck with cars,

he's bought one that's good news.

The car has been out for about 12 months now,

the first of those cars are actually starting to be listed

in Glass's Guide and CAP,

and incredibly enough, the basic model, the Mini One,

which is this one, was just on £10,000 when it was new.

Today that car as a used car is worth £10,500.

So you could run one for a year, 10,000 miles,

and sell it for more than you paid for it?

And make a profit. £500.

I mean, that sometimes happens with expensive cars,

Ferraris and Porsches.

Yeah. But something this cheap, it just doesn't happen.

That's astonishing. Think how sick I'm feeling.

Should have bought a dozen of them.

The problem is, the same thing's happening in America,

they've just shipped 20,000 over there, they sold out in...?

15 minutes, I mean, ridiculous. Gone. All gone, yeah.

So it really has been a success. What else is there?

Well, Subaru, everybody knows the Impreza Turbo,

when the car first came out, it was a great-looking car,

but that's the one we remember, unfortunately, the ugly one.

That's the one we've got now. That's the one we've got now.

Now, that car's only been out for just under three years

but it's been doing so badly that Subaru realised

it had to change the way the thing looks.

It's actually got a face-lift coming out in February of next year.

Which everybody knows about. Everybody knows about.

The problem is, they've got stacks of these.

So they're going to do something about it and what they're doing is,

they're taking three grand - three grand - off the price of these cars.

So, how much is it now? 18,995. You can buy a brand-new Subaru Turbo...

Seriously? They will do that, you walk in, you just go,

I want 3,000 off that, they go, certainly, sir.

They've dropped it by three grand,

that's before you do any discount and negotiation.

The most you'll pay for one is 18,995.

And then there'll be a new, pretty...

I mean, you could just buy that, kick it in the headlights,

make it look better anyway...

That's fantastic news.

Good news if you want to buy a new one, they are so cheap.

But the problem is, when something new drops in price,

you've got to reflect that in used-car values as well.

But I haven't got a used Subaru, so why do I care?

Because if you were going to buy a used Subaru, you shouldn't.

You should wait for a couple of months.

Wait for these to flood the market

and you'll save yourself another couple of grand on a used one.

Brilliant. What else?

XC90, the SUV, the new Volvo SUV.

It's coming to the UK in about November time.

Volvo have made a major error with this car,

because the car's just so good but they're only going to make 3,500.

3,500 for the UK for the whole year.

If you divide that by 220 dealers,

it works out about one car per dealer per month.

Which is nowhere near enough. Which is nowhere near enough.

I was talking to someone from Volvo the other day

and he said, I think we'll only make 50,000.

I just thought, I can't believe that,

because they've got a Volvo, pretty popular, make it an off-road car -

well, a sort of off-road car - and that's really doubly popular,

and they're going to put seven seats in it, three rows,

still space behind for a Labrador, or any other sort of Sloaney dog,

and then they've got TVs in the back,

they've got separate hi-fis so you can listen to tapes

in the middle seats and stereo and radio in the front -

and then they said, "I don't think we'll sell many of those."

Even though it's £12,000 less than an X5. Potty.

So, Harry, hang onto your Mini and buy a Volvo

and you save so much money you can buy the Cavalier back.

LAUGHTER

Mazda have made precisely two interesting cars in recent years -

the MX-5, which is a sports car for girls and blokes who like ABBA,

and the RX-7, which was good but a bit daft.

So, news of a new Mazda sports saloon, ooh,

is hardly going to excite anyone

outside of the Frimley Green Bowls Club, is it?

MUSIC: Stem by DJ Shadow

People don't buy Mazdas because they desperately want a Mazda.

They buy them because, unfortunately for them at that particular time,

it suits their needs.

In that sense, Mazdas are like sink plungers -

you don't really want one,

but sometimes you've just got to have one.

Mazdas are good cars for shy exhibitionists.

You could drive one butt naked through any major town

in the world and not an eye would be batted.

They're practically invisible.

The Mazda 6 needed an image, so it got one,

and it looks fantastic.

Mazda confess quite openly to leaning over the shoulders

and cribbing from BMW and Volkswagen

but they haven't been stupid enough just to turn out a straight copy.

Oh, no.

The interior doesn't look like a Japanese copy of a German design -

this is a Japanese design,

they've used their own ideas,

and the changes are much more than merely cosmetic.

They haven't messed around for this car,

they haven't just tweaked the old 626

and launched it as an all-new motor, this is entirely new.

So, there's a whole new range of engines.

This is a 2.3l four cylinder job.

The figures really aren't that good.

On paper, it's about 166bhp,

if you're interested, 0-60 is claimed in nine seconds.

Ho-hum.

But that doesn't tell the whole story.

The point is, it's tuned so that it's a constant power delivery,

it's mid-range, it's always there.

It feels like a bigger, lazier engine than it really is.

And then there's the handling which, well, where did this come from?

This is a Mazda, yeah? Are we quite sure?

It goes round corners really, really well.

It just grips and grips.

If anything, it's encouraging me to misbehave,

and I particularly like that.

This is incredible.

It is exciting to drive, and I was really not expecting that.

It's just such a shock,

like discovering someone really grey and average,

like John Major, is a shagmeister.

One blip does make itself abundantly clear pretty quickly -

it's quite noisy.

As soon as you head off in one direction for any length of time

with any speed on, there's a lot of road rumble and wind noise.

That's going to be bad news when you get to the motorways.

So, how much will it cost?

Well, the cheapest BMW 3 series is 18,695 quid,

and for that, you'll be lucky if you get the sun visor.

This is the top-spec Mazda 6, it's got everything on it

and it'll cost you 17,995 quid.

So, will value for money cure Milton Keynes man of his BMW addiction?

Probably not.

This is still a Mazda,

people will think of it as a Mazda.

So, no matter how good it is, let's be honest,

a life of luxury and excitement in the south of France

does not await the Mazda 6, I'm sorry.

For you, it's going to be a life of harrying up and down the M5,

the M4, service stations, cheap motels.

But it makes me feel good that at least we've brought it out here

for a final damn good thrashing, a final day out,

a final fling before you begin your life of misery and servitude.

Now, I've driven this car

and I couldn't believe how brilliant it was. It just feels so tight.

It's sharp and it's a Mazda. I know.

And £700 cheaper than a BMW.

Another £700 saved tonight.

With more power and more kit. Quite an achievement.

Right, more science.

Final attempt at this, we've been trying to prove,

is it possible for a car to go fast enough to beat a speed camera?

So far, all we've proven is it's really, really difficult.

We had a racetrack with Stig to drive the car,

really fast cars haven't done it.

We're going to have one last go.

So far, yes, I agree, we've failed.

But we haven't disproven the theory, just that we need a quicker car.

Something like this.

A TVR...

..Tuscan S.

Remember, this would be a crazy thing to do

if we weren't using a professional racing driver on our own test track.

MUSIC: Close To You by The Carpenters

Notice something? No flash.

It never went off, it was going so fast,

over 170mph, the camera never saw it. Seriously? Absolutely.

So, we've proven, it is a mug's game,

you need two miles of track, you need a car that'll do over 170mph,

but in the name of science, we did it.

CHEERING

And on that happy note, we have to start winding up the show.

The vegetarian car is still going round outside.

Next week, I go to Wales with an RS Focus.

We've got Jamiroquai frontman JK coming here

to try and go faster than Harry Enfield -

and you know you're always seeing people with motorbikes

trying to see how many buses they can jump?

Yeah? Well, next week,

we're going to see how many bikes we can jump with a bus.

See you then. Goodnight!

But it's called a Nissan Mildred.