Original subtitles

Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information

the final point totals each of you achieved

for all your actions on earth.

Whoa. Your point total was crazy high, Eleanor.

Eleanor laughs — oh, sorry.

Crazy high Eleanor was my nickname in college.

I accidentally saw these point totals when Michael was fixing a sinkhole.

It gave me an idea.

We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here

in the good place, and if you earn enough new points

then we could argue that you should stay here.

Would that work? — Michael: Don't know.

Never had to prove someone belonged here before.

But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way to build our case.

Eleanor, I made you this points tracker last night.

It will calculate the moral value of everything you do here.

It's kind of a fitbit for your soul.

Oh, I used to have a fitbit.

But I guess now I can't cheat by taping it to the desk fan.

You took credit for the fitness achievements of a desk fan?

I only did it to stick it to my stupid friend Jen

who said there was no way I'd ever use it.

Oh. You showed her.

Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million.

Right now, based on everything that you did on earth

you have negative 4,008.

That's not great...

But I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place

until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Beep — you just lost five points.

Hello! Hi, how are you?

There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving.

There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the good place.

Wal... mart?

It's a place regular people go. You haven't heard of it.

Look, I know this is tedious

but holding a door for someone is three points.

If you do it for everyone in the neighbourhood

then that's almost a thousand points for just a start.

Besides, all the big—ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid.

It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others"

or "change the consciousness of a nation".

Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun.

Have a wonderful day.

This is pointless.

The ticker isn't even going up, and everyone's giving me the stink eye.

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Well, fork you too.

No, this is good.

Now that we know, we can actually do something about it.

And I am an expert at mediating conflict

like when my friends scary, sporty, posh, and baby

had an issue with my other friend, archbishop Desmond tutu.

Yeah, I don't know what I love more about our morning hard boiled egg routine

the eggs or the routine.

Oh, sorry. You know, I was thinking this morning I'd have oatmeal.

Just kidding. Of course it's eggs.

Um, actually, this morning, there's a little surprise in yours.

"I love you." How cute.

I love you too, egg.

Oh, no, no, chidi. That... that's me saying that to you.

I love you.

His voice wavers: Oh.

Well, that is... something.

I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you

but I just... I had to tell you how I feel.

I love you. No need to respond. — great.

Well, at some point, you'll respond, right?

I just meant no rush.

You wanna talk about eggs again?

Hm, this isn't right.

I'm sorry. I've never kissed anyone before.

Is one tongue ok? I can add more tongues.

No, that's not it.

We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.

Once again, Michael is not my dad, and we shouldn't tell him.

If Michael finds out that we're married

then he'll know you're not tahani's soul mate

and then he'll know that you're really Jason and not jianyu.

He'd send you to the bad place.

Hm, I don't want to lose you, girl...

I'm not a girl. — ...But also, I'm tired of living a lie.

We gotta go public.

I hate all this hiding, kissing inside like losers.

I wish we were in Florida, kissing outside, near a swamp with some old tyres in it

watching a flamingo trying to mate with somebody's old gun.

I want us to have the life we deserve.

Whoosh

pillboi, let's talk big picture.

You know I love Jacksonville.

J—town.

It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities in north—eastern Florida

but if we're gonna make it in the dj game, we gotta get to Miami.

Yeah, but Miami's expensive. We just don't got that skrilla, b.

I mean, I got ten bucks to my name

and I spent eight of it on this burrito and the other two on guac.

I know what we gotta do.

We're gonna Rob this restaurant.

Great idea! But what if we get caught?

We'll just get married so that no one can testify against us.

Dope.

Yo.

I got diarrhoea. I'll be right back.

Me too. I'll race you.

Both shout: Best friends!

Tahani: Thank you all for participating in our focus group for fake Eleanor.

Think of this as an open forum

for you to air any and all grievances that you may carry against her.

I was flying on the second day, and when you caused the trash storm

I crashed into a rotting Turkey carcass, and it exploded.

Oh, dear. — all this cartilage and bone

got tangled up in my hair

and its beak got smashed against my nose and its skin was all over my skin.

I didn't know where I ended and the Turkey carcass began.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, your skin looks amazing.

My café got destroyed by the giant frog.

Then I reopened it and it fell into the sinkhole.

Just like me. I fell in too.

Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined

every moment of your existence since you arrived?

Excehent

I must confer with Eleanor for a tick

so please, just, uh, enjoy the lemonade and cookies.

Seems everyone's problem with me is me.

Yes, it would appear that way.

The last moment they were happy was at my party.

I've seen this before.

After one of my events, there's a real endorphin crash.

We have to recreate that party.

We have to take them back to that night before I started affecting the neighbourhood

and give them a fresh start.

Yes, of course. We must throw the perfect party

or else you'll be tortured by demons forever.

This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.

Michael: Janet, there you are.

Some residents are complaining that you're not responding to...

I'm sorry, what's going on?

Is that a... a wedding ring?

Yes. I'm married.

To whom?

Sorry, my protocol forbids me from telling you any private information

about any resident.

Is it that person?

Jianyu, the man standing right there also wearing a wedding band?

Dad...

We need to talk.

I just want to make sure that I have this right. Um...

Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk but rather someone named Jason mendoza

a failed dj from Jacksonville, Florida...

I wasn't a failed dj. I was pre—successful.

And you two are married?

Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.

Just like Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo was the name of my dog and Juliet was the name of my Roomba.

She is my everything.

She makes the bass drop... in my heart.

And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him

and there is nothing in my protocol

that specifically barred that from happening...

So I agreed. — love you too, babe.

Janet...

Please tell me how this could have happened.

Unclear.

As you know, each time I am updated, I accrue new knowledge and abilities.

My suspicion is that when I was rebooted

I bonded with Jason in a way that I have never bonded with anyone before.

I seem to have gained a new understanding of love.

I also learned how to do this.

I will speak to you later. Go to your void.

Ok. — ding

no, Janet, come back! — ding

hi there. — go!

Sure thing. — ding

no! — stop doing that.

Michael: Go! — good—bye.

Janet, come back. — I love you.

Jason: I love you too.

That is sachveer

and his problem with me is... Oh, one of the giraffes tried to hump him.

She snorts with laughter

it's gonna be hard to keep a straight face tonight

but then I remember I could be tortured for all of eternity

and that is pretty sobering.

Hey, can I ask your advice on something?

Are you sure, dude?

Isn't there someone else better you could ask

like literally anyone else?

Well, it's a sensitive matter, and you... You do know me pretty well.

Now I understand that our relationship has gotten more complicated recently

due to your feelings being expressed—...

Dude, if you do the “chidi” thing

where you have to re—explain the entire world before asking a question

we are both going to grow old and die again.

Out with it.

See? Yes. You do know me pretty well.

Er, so, here it is:

Real Eleanor said she loves me.

Hey, man, nice pull. She's a great person.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, we are soul mates, so I probably do love her

but then again, how do I know if my motivation is correct?

Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her

but if I tell her that I love her for the wrong reasons

it won't mean anything.

You have a tendency to overthink things.

Turn off that giant brain, and just say you love her too.

You think? — If this were some random person

you hooked up with at a diamondbacks game in the parking lot

behind the porta potties — Not based on a real example...

I would say keep mulling

but, this is your soul mate.

She's universe—approved.

Tell her you love her.

Beep — hey, your score just went up 20 points.

Yeah, 'cos I give great advice.

Now maybe you'll finally listen to me and take off those glasses.

We are in the afterlife, dummy, nature's Lasik.

Ok, I think I figured this out.

There is a real jianyu

a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the age of eight.

But, three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state

that he registered as dead

and when you died at that exact same moment

our system mistook you for him...

Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.

Cool. — no, not cool.

He stopped learning at the age of seven.

Ok...

So, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test

basic questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad.

Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?

Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me.

Ding

and I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare.

Ding

did you ever have a personalised license plate?

Yeah, dawg, III love butts...

Ding

have... have you ever paid money

to hear music performed by California funk rock band

the red hot chili peppers?

Yo, the chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times.

Ding — Jason: I once got arrested trying to steal

flea's bass guitar.

Ding

oh, that was another serious crime I committed.

I should have mentioned that earlier. — ding

is it just me, or am I acing this test?

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is so, so bad.

Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor

but somehow you are...

You're so much worse...

No, don't... don't touch... ah.

Oh.

How does that still work?

Look, I know you're freaking out but you're Janet's father

and like it or not, we're family.

Everything's gonna be fine, homie.

I promise.

Whoosh

I don't know, b. What if it doesn't work?

Hey, we thought of everything except for an alibi and an escape route

but we'll figure it out as we go.

You don't wanna overthink these things. — I'm kinda freaking out here.

Pillboi, I got you.

This plan is foolproof.

And when it's over, we can finally have the lives we deserve.

In Italian accent: Dig/orno/

I am a safe installer, here to install—a da safe.

So just a—point to where the guacamole money is

and I'll—a install—a da safe—a in da, how you say...? A—place.

She dials numbers

yeah, hi, we're being robbed.

Pillboi: No... j, they're on to us, man.

His hat's a golf ball, and he's a got a terrible moustache.

Pillboi: We need to get married now.

I do, for, uh, always and forever.

He shouts: I do!

Lighting's nice.

The cocktail shrimp are sitting in a bowl instead of flying through the sky.

So far so good. And this music is banging.

Good place. Good place. Good place... — oh, right. Sorry.

So, uh... did you... do that thing that we talked about?

I'll get to it as soon as I finish my drink.

That is what you said an hour ago. — I know.

Here's my secret: I keep refilling my drink before I'm finished.

Loop hole. — respect. Loop holes rule.

Hey. Great party, Eleanor.

Thank you.

They probably didn't have many parties in the bad place, huh?

Actually, we had a party every day.

It's what they called it when they pulled you apart with ropes.

Oh, a part—y. Ha. I get it. That's funny.

You probably didn't think so.

Ok. I'm gonna leave you two alone.

So, um, have you given any more thought... To what I said?

Yep. I have a timetable to say...

What you want me to say. I have a whole plan.

I understand.

I'll wait for your answer, even if it takes until the end of time

which, I guess, it could since that's how long we'll be here.

Upbeat music: ♪ living it up ♪

♪ living it up ♪

♪ living it up... ♪

You ok, dad?

You look like you took a bad dose of Molly.

And I should know. I sold fake Molly to a lot of people.

Oh, that was another serious crime I committed.

Ding — hello, Michael.

I'd like to inform you that Shawn, the judge

will be arriving tomorrow morning.

Thank you, Janet.

Ding

jason_.

I have to attend Eleanor's party

so, I'm going to leave you here, in this locked room.

I'm in jail? — no, no, no, no.

This is the good place. We don't put people in jail.

It's just a room where you have been put

in the interests of public safety, as a form of punishment

and from which there is no exit.

Ok? Bye.

Eleanor, for an utter novice, you have thrown a lovely party.

Well, thanks, but it's not working.

Not one more point.

What the fork?

Tahani: Oh, look, Michael's here. He can help.

Michael, would you do us the honour of saying a few words?

I don't know that I'm in the right frame of mind.

Please, they'll listen to you.

Just pay me a few compliments.

You know, I'm great, heart of a champion, basically your muse, you get it.

Attention, everyone.

Michael would like to say a few words.

Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here

mingling around with your various secrets.

Who really knows which of you are who you say you are?

No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Ok...

Take her easy.

Tahani: Yes...

Well said. Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest.

She's kind. She's humble

she's the Walmart of friends...

Did I use that word right?

Eleanor shellstrop.

Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor.

Uh... original flavour, not new and improved.

I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me

but I never meant to hurt you

so if I caused you any harm

I'm truly sorry.

That's nice, Eleanor, but I still crashed into a Turkey carcass.

And I fell into a sinkhole.

And my dog got kicked into the sun.

What can you possibly say to us that'll make up for your actions?

Pobody's nerfecz'?

Silence

sparse laughter

laughter spreads

"pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious.

Like "nobody's perfect" with the letters switched.

That's very funny. — It's nerfect/

Great party, Eleanor.

I hope you get to stay, or should I say, pobody's nerfect!

That doesn't really... apply here.

Well, pobody's nerfect! — nailed it.

Eleanor, great job tonight.

Have you checked the, uh, the ticker?

I could really use some good news. — Eleanor: Ok.

Oh, come on!

Well, the nightmare continues.

The nightmare continues.

How did this not work?

There's no way to increase my point total

because everything I'm doing is out of self—preservation.

I don't understand. — my motivation is corrupt.

Even when I do nice things

I'm only doing them, so I can get something out of it...

The ability to stay here

which means none of this had any real moral value.

It doesn't count.

Murmurs: Holy shirt.

I know what I have to do.

Ok, I am almost done

with these personalised "I'm sorry" notes to everyone in the neighbourhood.

I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes

along with those t—shirts.

Well, granted, these are hilarious, but how is this going to help?

Just trust me.

I'm gonna get the points.

Oh, good morning, dad. Where you been?

Oh, just walking around, contemplating my failure

wishing for the sweet release of eternal extinction.

Cool. Hey...

Um, why don't you want me to see Janet?

I'm a good guy. All I want is to give Janet the life she deserves.

Janet is not built for human life

and I'm not sure you're much of a provider.

Do you even remember how you died?

No, not really.

It's a little fuzzy.

I lived in Florida

so I assume an escaped zoo animal rampaged through a mini—golf course?

You and your friend, pillboi, were trying to Rob a restaurant.

Pillboi!

Right. And then... And then the cops showed up.

Whoosh

so the plan was to pretend to install a safe

with your friend hiding inside it.

He pops out, steals the money from the restaurant

gets back in the safe, then you come in and uninstall it.

I refuse to discuss my fifth amendment rights

until I concur with your attorney.

Sure.

Look, we found your buddy's plans. We know he was the... brains.

You were just an accomplice.

If you're lucky, you might get probation.

Jason going to jail?

No, man. Jason's dead.

He suffocated in that safe.

There were no air holes.

Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there

which couldn't have helped.

At least he died doing what he loved...

A bunch of whippits.

Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.

Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.

Whoosh

I suffocated to death in... in a safe?

I'm a moron.

Hey... hey, Janet?

Ding — hi, there.

Janet, you need to leave me.

Why? — you're the smartest girl in the world...

Janet: I'm not a girl. — ...And your dad is an angel.

I mean, what a family!

I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel...

Who's only now realising why that didn't work.

You should be with someone better.

I don't deserve you.

Jason, you are all that I care about.

Possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you.

I love you.

Also, interesting side note, I think I might hate things now, too.

So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

This is nuts.

Just weighing in over here.

This is bonkers.

You know...

Everything's falling apart.

The only thing I can think to do is to reboot you again, Janet.

Why? — It's the only thing I can think of to do

to get rid of this glitch.

Yo, who you calling a glitch?

It means error, Jason, which is what this is.

Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably

and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?

Yes.

Now, you two sit tight.

I'm gonna go murder Janet, and I'll be right back.

Look on the bright side.

When you're rebooted

I can teach you all the dorito flavours again.

No. I'm not starting over.

What if he reboots me, and we fall out of love?

We have to get out of here right now.

Where do you suppose she is?

I hope she's ok.

You know, the more I work on her case, the more I think she truly belongs here.

Um, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to say...

What you want me to say, because I... I do want to say it.

What's holding you back?

Honestly, my biggest fear is just making sure

that my motivation for saying it...

Chidi?

Real Eleanor: Wow. — how did she suddenly...?

Her motivation changed.

She couldn't earn enough points by apologising to everyone here

because she was only doing it to earn enough points to stay here.

But she did earn enough points

which means she's decided not to stay here, which means...

That she's leaving.

Oh, hey, Janet. I was just about to call you

to ask you to get me a train to the bad place.

Whoa, what? — you have to be a good person to stay here

and I can't become a good person unless I leave.

You don't belong here, Jason doesn't belong here

and now that I can think and feel, I don't belong here either.

Where are you going with this?

There is a woman named mindy St. Clair who lives in a neutral zone by herself.

It's neither a good place nor a bad place.

A medium place? Dude, that's where I belong.

I've been saying that since day one.

It's where Jason and I are going.

Would you like to come with us to mindy's house?

Yeah. Let's go hang with mindy. That sounds great.

Love her, huge fan. Call the train.

Look, there it is now.

Brakes squeal

I did not call that train.

That train belongs to Shawn, the judge, who's coming here to judge you.

Eleanor: Can you make that train go to mindy's house?

Yep. — then we have to go. Right now.

I just have to run home real quick

and hit save on the Madden game I was playing

because Blake bortles has, like, 300 yards passing in the first half...

Tense music

Shawn.

Michael pants — Michael.

Sorry I wasn't here to greet you.

I, uh, had something I needed to tend to, but it can wait. It can wait.

Ok, I've hacked into the mainframe.

Kidding. — Janet laughs

I can't hack into the mainframe. Technically, I am the mainframe.

Would you just hurry up?

I'm here to rule on the fate of fake Eleanor shellstrop.

Yes, yes.

Um, I think we have a rock—solid case for fake Eleanor.

I truly believe she's a good person.

Are you sure? Because I believe she's stealing my train.

Train chugs

I'm sorry, Michael.

Sorry, everyone.

Well...

Not great for my case.