Original subtitles

[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ My dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna stop me now ♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Well, it's gonna be a great party.

Okay, well, maybe next year.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Okay, we're here. What's all the fuss about?

Larry, what's the matter?

I was in the middle of a very important phone call.

What were you doing?

Asking your hairdresser if you should go back to

your natural color?

Ladies.

For your information, Harriette, This is my natural color.

Ladies.

It's about as natural as Astroturf.

Ladies, Balki and I want you to come

to our Halloween party.

We're gonna watch the horror movie marathon.

Oh, no thanks, I hate Halloween.

I don't like any holiday

that condones wearing orange and black together.

The real reason you don't wanna go

is because you're chicken.

I am not.

Oh, come on.

You haven't showered alone since you saw "Psycho."

Well, I guess now I know who I can tell my secrets to.

Excuse me.

I have an advice column to write.

How about you, Harriette? I know you don't scare easily.

I don't scare at all, baby.

Oh, so, you'll be there?

Sorry, my mother-in-law's in town.

Now, why watch movie monsters when you can see the real thing?

No Harriette.

No Lydia.

Cousin, guess who.

Oh my goodness,

Who could that be under that mask?

Uh, Mr. Gorpley?

No! Guess again.

I don't know. I'll never get it.

Tell me who you are, Balki.

It's...Balki.

- Ah! - Oh!

[laughing]

I guess I'm one good Halloween player, huh?

- The best. - No.

- Oh, yes, you are. - No.

- Yes, you are. - No, no.

- Yes, yes.. - No, no, no.

Y-you know..

...everyone's gonna love this at the party tonight.

Well, I'm not wearing this to the party tonight.

This is just my office costume.

- Oh. Well, uh.. - Hm.

You might as well wear it.

Because no one from the office

is coming to the party.

It's just us and Jennifer and Mary Anne.

No one else wants to watch the horror movie marathon.

Well, if nobody else wants to watch it

why do we want to watch it?

Because horror is the fun part of Halloween.

Yeah, about that, cousin.

I still don't understand.

Why would anybody want to sit through

twelve hours of horrible movies?

I could barely make it through "Ishtar."

No, not horrible movies.

Horror movies.

Movies that scare you to death.

I don't want to be scared to death.

Well, sure you do.

People love to be frightened.

That's why so many of them live in New York.

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

[eerie music on television]

- Well, I've had enough. - What?

- Me too. - What?

What? You-you can't go now.

We're only halfway through the marathon.

We've got three movies to go.

Six hours of watching scary movies

is too much for me.

My head hurts, my stomach is all tied up in knots

and I think I'm getting hives.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, how about a little peck?

[chuckles]

- Bye. - Uh, good night.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- Good night. - Good night.

Well, what's wrong with everybody?

They're just scary movies.

You know, you're right.

Who would be afraid of scary movies?

Oh, look at this.

They're gonna miss the best one

"Invasion Of The Body Snatchers".

"Aliens take over the planet by replacing everybody

with identical twins that they've grown in giant pods."

This wouldn't be a light-hearted comedy, would it?

Oh, don't tell me you're scared too.

Well, of course I'm not, don't be ridiculous.

I was just hoping for a little change of pace.

Well, if you want a change of pace,

Let's watch this next one in the dark.

Don't do that.

Afraid of the dark?

No, I'm not.

Don't do that.

You are afraid of the dark.

No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

[screaming]

Yes, I am.

Well, we don't have to watch it in the dark.

Well, I-I don't think we should watch it at all.

What's the matter, you're chicken?

In a manner of speaking.

Balki, these movies are just make-believe.

Cousin, they are about bad people doing bad things

and I believe they put bad thoughts in our heads.

But, Balki, they're-they're harmless.

They go in one eye and out the other.

Well, I don't want to watch any more.

No, what's the matter?

You're afraid you watch too many horror movies

it'll make you into a monster?

Well, I don't know what it make me into

and I don't want to take any chances.

So I'm going to go in there

brush my teeth, say my prayers

and read "The Little Engine That Could"

just to clear my head.

[sighs]

What planet are you from?

Well, I guess I'm the only fun guy left

"Our horror movie marathon continues with

'Invasion of the Body Snatchers.'"

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

Morning, cousin.

You sleep well?

Well, I guess I can't scare you.

What? You got eyes in the back of your head?

Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous.

Your third button from the top is unbuttoned.

Hmm?

Oh, thank you.

So...what're you making?

This is, uh, mach ba sik sik.

Pig stomach stuffed with head cheese.

And just a pinch of cardamom.

Eh, hm, hm.

I thought we'd take some on our trip, it travels so well.

- We're taking a trip? - Oh, yes.

We're going to Mypos. Didn't I tell you?

- No, you didn't tell me. - Well, I'll be snookered!

Balki, if you wanna take a trip like that

we have to plan ahead.

We've got to check discount fares

we've gotta coordinate vacation schedules.

I need a passport.

How did you do that?

Do what?

You just shot a laser beam

out of your finger

and set that on fire.

No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - Nope, didn't.

Balki, I was standing right here, I saw it.

Well, cousin, I think you must be suffering

from an optical delusion.

Maybe you didn't get enough sleep last night.

Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee?

No, I don't think so. I'll stick with milk.

My stomach feels a little queasy

from all that junk I ate last night.

Your sik sik's still burning.

Oh, so it is.

- How did you do that? - Do what?

You made the milk stop

and wait for you.

No, I didn't.

Balki, you-you turned away

and-and then.. Oh, wait a minute.

I know what's happening.

You're getting back at me

for scaring you last night.

Very clever. What is it, magic tricks?

Well, cousin, no, I don't know no magic tricks.

Very good.

Okay, okay. You win.

I apologize for what I did last night.

I will never, ever

try to frighten you again.

Thank you, cousin.

Well, I think I'll just let this

mach bach sik sik curdle.

Come on, cousin, let's go to work.

Sure, let's go to work.

Shall we take my car or are you just going to beam us over?

Oh, come on, cousin.

You know on my salary I can't afford a beamer.

Where do I come up with them?

Balki..

...a giant pod?

Oh come on, Balki, this is going too far.

Balki?

[instrumental music]

Harriette, Lydia, thank god you're here.

You're not gonna believe it.

This morning, I saw Balki

walk through a door.

He-he made a carton of milk float in mid-air

and he started a fire with his finger.

Let me smell your breath, baby.

Harriette.

I have not been drinking.

Uh, excuse me, Larry

but did you watch all twelve hours

of that horror movie marathon last night?

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, you watched weird movies last night

now you're seeing weird things today.

I suppose that could be an explanation.

You bet it could, cousin.

Why did you say that?

Say what?

- You called me "cousin." - No, I didn't, baby.

Yes, you did.

I called you baby, baby.

There's no way we're cousins.

Wait a minute.

You two seem...different.

You're just now noticing that?

Relax.

Th-the next thing you know you'll be saying that Balki's

an alien and he's turning us into aliens

to take us back to his home planet.

[cackling]

I'm going crazy.

Too many horror movies.

That's gotta be it.

Uh, I just gotta relax.

Just gotta relax and think about something else.

The Bears, the Bears.

How are the Bears doin'?

"Planet Mypos discovered behind Pluto."

- "Planet Mypos." - Hi, cousin.

Huh?

- How did you get here? - Oh, just dropped in.

Well, you can't fool me anymore.

I know all about Mypos.

It's right here on the Chronicle's front page.

[gasps]

- Where were you? - I never left the room.

Well, maybe you won't be so glib after you read this!

"City Council approves annual budget".

You're right, cousin, I'm glib-less.

But it was right on the front page.

Well, cousin, I think your mind is pulling your leg.

Oh, what's happening?

Why am I seeing things that aren't there?

I mean what's, uh, what's, uh, what's, uh..

What's in that mail cart?

The mail. It comes at this time every day.

That was a pod!

Now, I get it!

The fire, the milk

walking through doors, it's all coming together.

You are a strange visitor from another planet

who came to Earth with powers and abilities

far beyond that of mortal man, and who

disguised as Balki Bartokomous, mild-mannered sheepherder

working for a great metropolitan newspaper

is turning us all into Mypiots

so you can take us back to your planet!

Darn, you got me.

[gasps]

You mean it's true?

Yepper.

I may be an alien bent on

world conquest but I'm no liar.

Cousin, you're gonna love Mypos.

The climate is perfect.

All men are created cousins

and we've conquered cellulite.

I'm not going to another planet.

Oh, come on, cousin, I..

I always go where you want to go.

I don't want to go to Mypos, I'll never go to Mypos.

Nothing you can do or say will ever make me

want to go to Mypos.

Cousin, you want to go to Mypos.

I want to go to Mypos.

When the mama ship gets here, you'll be the first one in line.

When the mama ship gets here, I'll be the first in line.

And when we say, "Who wants pig snout?"

You'd say, "I do! I do!"

And when you say

"Who wants pig snout?"

I'll say..

I'll say..

Ugh.

I'll never eat pig snout!

You have a very strong will, Earth boy.

Balki, how can you do this to the Earth?

You used to be so nice.

Well, we Mypiots were nice

for 6,000 years

and then one day, somebody suggested

"Hey, why you don't watch scary movies?

"They won't hurt you..

...they just go in one eye and out the other."

Well, they checked in but they didn't check out.

They set up housekeeping.

They begat bad thoughts.

And those bad thoughts got together

and had little bad thoughts.

And those little bad thoughts

grew up into big bad thoughts.

And now, all we have

are big bad thoughts.

So, we're taking over the Earth

just for kicks!

[evil laughter]

[instrumental music]

[panting]

Hello, Jennifer? It's Larry.

Drop whatever you're doing and get down here.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - 'It's Jennifer.'

How did you get here so fast?

You sounded upset so I hurried.

What's wrong?

I have proof that Balki

is from a planet called Mypos

and they're taking over the Earth.

You've got to believe me.

- Larry, I believe you. - You do?

Why?

Well, for one thing

Balki is floating outside the window.

No, no, don't let him in.

We've got to leave right now.

There's no hurry.

What do you mean, "There's no hurry?"

If we stay we'll become Mypiots!

Is that really so bad, cousin?

You're wearing a vest. You're one of them!

[panting]

(all) Hi, cousin.

Going somewhere?

Time to go.

The mama ship is double-parked.

[laughs]

You mean he's changed you all into Mypiots?

(all) Well, of course he has, don't be ridiculous.

Let me give you a hand, cousin.

Oh, no.

I'm not falling for that one again.

You'll never take me.

Oh, come on, cousin.

Be one of us.

Put on the vest.

- Alterations are free. - No.

No, no, no.

[panting]

Get away. Get away.

[evil laughter]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

(all) Cousin. Cousin. Cousin.

- Cousin, cousin-- - Get away, get away.

- Cousin. - Ah. Huh!

Huh, don't come any closer!

How would that be possible?

You'll never put that vest on me.

But, cousin, I wasn't thinking of it.

It don't go with the knife in your chest.

What?

[shrieks]

Oh. Oh.

I've got a knife in my chest.

Oh, that's great.

Oh. Oh..

I must have fallen asleep

in front of the television!

Cousin, I think you were having a bad dream.

Oh, I was.

And, Balki, it was awful.

In my dream, you were from a-a planet called Mypos

and-and you were taking over the Earth.

And that wasn't the awful part.

The awful part was that you were not nice.

[chuckles]

Can you imagine that?

Balki Bartokomous, not nice?

[chuckling]

Balki, uh, just for argument's sake, uh..

...what would you do if a total stranger came up to you

on the street and took your money

kicked you in the shins and said your mama wears army boots?

Well, um..

...if he, uh, took my money

I'd say, "Spend it wisely."

And if he kicked me in the shins, I'd say

"You know, you should join a gym to find a more

positive way of taking out aggression."

And if he says my mama wears army boots

then I'd say, "You've seen mama? How does she look?"

You are Balki. Uh-huh..

Ow.

- Oh. - Cousin.

Well..

Balki.. Woop!

Balki, I never want to have

a nightmare like that again.

- Observation. - Hmm?

If you hadn't watched all those scary movies

you wouldn't have had that bad dream.

Well, you know, ever since my parents

took me out of "Fantasia" crying..

...I've been trying to prove something.

Well, cousin, you did prove something.

You proved that if you watch twelve hours

of scary movies, then you have a nightmare.

Of course, the rest of us already knew that.

That's why you were watching them alone.

Well, why learn the easy way

when you can learn the hard way?

Well, that's the motto you live by.

Balki, what do you say, next Halloween

we just hand out candy to the kids and call it a night?

Okay by me. Now, how about this?

We clean up this place, I make you some breakfast

and you start to feel better.

Okay.

Boy, what a nightmare.

Huh. I, it-it was the craziest thing.

I, every time I turned around..

...you were gone.

Balki?

- Cousin? - Huh!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]