Original subtitles

So you telling me I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP?

It's not the place you're thinking of.

This is the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes.

It's the crossroads of all dimensions.

Like Grand Central Station, but for space and time.

If you eat anything in this IHOP, you will literally explode.

Yeah, I know, it's IHOP.

Why are we meeting there?

The Judge's powers are limited in the IHOP, so she can't just retire me on the spot.

And I believe that when she hears what I've discovered

about the points system, she'll take our side.

If not, then we'll jump through a portal to another dimension

hope our molecules don't liquefy, and regroup from there.

Excuse me.

OK.

Now, watch your step.

Hey, so...

yeah, so...

- I don't wanna go in there! - I get that.

But come here, come here. Here are your options.

Option Number one...

Cruel, but necessary.

Oh, look at this.

They added a tenth dimension.

Boy, permits must've been a headache.

Looks like we're inside a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern.

From spring 2013!

OK, everyone, just be cool, I know exactly what's going on.

We all smoked too much salvia.

We gotta ride this out for about two, three minutes...

and then we'll be back in Pillboi's broken hot tub

and this will all be over.

Hey, is... is this a good time to talk?

Well, there's no time like the present.

And here, there's neither "no time"

nor "the present!"

Go ahead.

So, you know how me and you used to be married, when I was dead before?

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm starting to catch feelings again, for you.

- Mm-hmm. - And if I don't double-die...

in this IHOP, and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble...

do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend?

I'm not a girl.

But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere, sometime.

As opposed to here, which is nowhere, at all the times.

- Do you get it? - Yeah.

Hi! Butthead!

You lie to my face, disrespect my orders

steal the only key to Earth

meddle with an already compromised timeline

kidnap the humans into a Janet's void

and now demand a meeting in the freakin' IHOP?

I hate this place.

I wouldn't have asked for a meet if it weren't vitally important.

And I promise, no more rule breaking.

Oh yeah? Really? Cool.

Cos it kinda looks like you stole a book from Accounting!

No more rule breaking, starting now.

Hello, Chidi!

That is a great look for you.

Things don't work out here with old Blondie, you know who to call.

This bitch!

Sorry...

what is on me right now?

Oops! Where'd you come from, little buddy?

No, don't touch it!

Tahani. Do not touch the Neednoggle.

- What? - Bad! This is all bad.

Ugh! Humans are such whiners.

Here, hot pants. Let me take care of it for you.

Help!

Ah!

Ah! Everybody, you're all still standing in the IHOP.

The Judge simply augmented your reality

to make you feel like you're in a normal IHOP.

- Very smart. - Don't suck up to me, you suck-up.

This is far better! Instead of a slug creature

I have a cute little scarf...

- No! No! - No, no, no! Don't touch it!

Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle.

The Judge just made it look like a scarf.

- Wonderful. - Alright.

Why don't we all sit down, so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned?

Your Honour, I once stood in front of you and said I thought

there was something wrong with the points system.

I finally know what it is - life now is so complicated

it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place.

I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth

to remain impartial, but these days, just buying a tomato

at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting

toxic pesticides, exploiting labour, contributing to global warming...

Humans think that they're making one choice

but they're actually making dozens of choices

they don't even know they're making!

Your big revelation is "life is complicated?"

That's not a revelation, that's a divorced woman's throw pillow.

I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences.

You don't want the consequences?

Do the research, buy another tomato.

- What else you got? - Um...

I'll tell you what else I got.

Uh, I got this.

Michael?

What... what are you doing?

- Backpack Kid dance. - Why?

I don't know, it makes people happy? Is it helping?

Can I say something?

- Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote... - Boring!

I got this.

- Wh... you... - I wanna tell you about a guy

from my dance crew in Jacksonville called "Big Noodle."

Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.

I used to yell at Big Noodle cos he always showed up late to rehearsal.

Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded.

I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house.

Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents

who all lived in the same bed, just like in "Willy Wonka."

I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that

cos I knew how hard it was for him to be there.

And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy

even if he wanted to - possession of a non-fried vegetable

is a felony in Jacksonville.

The point is, you can't judge humans

cos you don't know what we go through.

Amazingly, Your Honour, he's right.

I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth.

Maybe you should give it a shot.

If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it

and you can, you know...

zappy-zappy, marble-marble.

Yeah, sure, I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there.

See what you guys "go through"

and then, one way or another, this is going to end.

Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food?

Oh. Pfft!

Mexico. Duh.

Whoa.

Well, how long will she be gone?

No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...

Ohhh, brother!

That was rough!

- Right? - Sheesh! Earth is a mess, y'all.

Woof! Also, I guess I'm "black"

and they do not like black ladies down there.

Crap, y'all! This is bad.

Well, where did you go, exactly?

Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark.

It's terrible everywhere

and always in a different way!

The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort.

The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.

- Why? - For the deals!

Earth stinks, y'all.

It's hot and it's crowded... but somehow also cold and lonely?

I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions.

The first thing I did was I googled "big juicy natural tomatoes"

which led me to a porn site

that was for people with a sunburn fetish, or...?

I kind of never recovered.

Right. That's problem number one - life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable.

Problem number two - even if you do somehow manage

to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.

Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere!

Like, there's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people!

- And it's delicious! - It is! It is so good.

And... and I essentially tried to do what you suggested

I obsessed over every choice.

But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place!

So I'm problem number three.

Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart.

You know, we gotta figure this out.

...and then Turtle makes a bet with Rhonda Rousey

and if she loses, she has to bo...

Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare

by describing the plot to the Entourage movie.

- What is this? - Some new information

has come to my attention and I need a solution.

I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this, but first, let's have a change of scenery.

Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP, so be careful.

Shawn.

I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average

better than the points system suggests they are.

Counterpoint - humans are terrible.

Limp Bizkit, slavery... The prosecution rests.

Gotta say, that's a solid rebuttal.

Look, there are plenty of awful people

and thoughtless jerks, and I guess Nazis, again, somehow?

But there are also people who are really trying to be good

and they aren't getting close.

Because they're not good at being good, because they're bad.

The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are, full stop, end of story.

Then why did these four get better, over and over again, in my Neighbourhood?

Why did they help each other in ways

they had never helped anyone on Earth?

I don't know, maybe it's a fluke.

Plus, you have zero proof they did get better.

You didn't keep track of their points.

That's it!

I know what we have to do...

Oh! He forgot we're still in the IHOP.

Anybody got eyes on Chidi?

Help.

Help!

Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please?

I'm on it.

And... got him! Ah.

- Here you go. - Urgh!

Ah-ha!

I... I just saw a trillion different realities

folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade...

Yeah, yeah, the Time Knife, we've all seen it.

Let's get back on track, bud.

Yeah, OK. Sure. What I was saying, um, before, you know...

I saw the "Time Knife"!

...is this, Michael is right.

His Neighbourhood gave us the chance to become better people

because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard.

Yeah. Uh, there was no rent to pay, no racism, no sexism...

No awards-show gift-suite publicist in-fighting.

What? Those gift-suites can be a real minefield.

But, Shawn is also right.

And the four of us becoming better people could be a fluke.

So, let's repeat the experiment.

It's what Simone taught us about data collection.

Try it again, and see if you get the same results.

Of course! I build a new Neighbourhood, we choose four new people

tell them they're in the Good Place, create challenges for them

track their progress.

My guess is they will do what the original four did

seek help, support each other, make wise decisions, improve.

If they do, then it's proof that humans are not "bad, full stop, end of story."

This is so stupid.

Where would you even put this Neighbourhood?

I wouldn't allow it to be built in the Good Place, that's for sure

and I doubt you'd want to come back to my neck of the woods...

Ooh! I have an idea.

Hi, Mindy. We need to use your backyard.

You need my backyard? For what?

We're conducting an important experi...

You know what? I don't care.

In fact, as soon as I started asking the question

I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this?

You don't care about the answer."

Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it.

And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek.

I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.

Who's Derek?

Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend.

I made him, so he's more like my son.

Although, I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani

so he's kind of my rebound booty-call.

So... he's your son-rebound-booty-call?

Fine, if you want to put labels on it, I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call.

But he doesn't mean anything to me.

Also, Derek never really...

worked right. He's a buffoon.

You have nothing to worry about.

"How should he love thee?

Or how deem thee wise?

Who wouldst not leave him

In his wandering?"

Oh. I didn't see you there.

I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe.

Hi, I'm Derek.

Welcome to the Medium Place.

Derek! Why are... you so different?

You have Mindy to thank for that.

See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house

and every time she hits it, I pass out.

When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better.

Not to brag

but I almost have a full-grown penis now.

It's resplendent, and mostly functional.

- How many times has Mindy rebooted you? - I don't know. Half a million?

- What? - She reboots me a lot.

Sometimes when she's bored, or just needs some "alone time"

sometimes just for laughs.

Derek... Shall we head inside?

- OK. - Cool.

So, here are the rules.

Michael designs the new Neighbourhood however he wants.

The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans

but they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four.

Alright? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band.

Michael will not get the files in advance

so he does not have forever to plan

but he can then change the Neighbourhood however he wants.

Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this.

- So do I. - Good! That means it's a fair compromise.

So, one last issue.

Where do we get all the other residents for this place?

Well, my original Neighbourhood was built for torture so everyone was a demon

we can't have that. I say we get them from the Good Place.

Over my dead skin-suit.

Well, what other option do we have?

Would anybody like a Medium snack?

I myself will be enjoying another classy martini.

Don't mind if I do.

I can make the people.

- Just like I made Derek. - Are you sure?

Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it.

They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek. No offense.

None taken.

OK. The other residents will be comprised of "Janet babies."

You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans.

I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating

and to track the humans' progress. Deal?

Ah! Gah! Ow!

Classic.

Ha-ha! Ow!

- Janet? - Hi there!

- Ah. - Ready to start building?

- Yes. - I have some ideas

for how to design a sort of "basic" Neighbourhood

which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them.

- Now, when you say, um... "some" ideas? - I have 11 trillion ideas.

Yes. I'm so glad you're here, Janet.

Me too.

Alright. So...

What's your first "basic" idea?

Perfect. So "basic."

This house was built to torture you.

Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?

Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love.

So I figured, why mess with success?

I mean, bleugh! What am I saying?

This house is stupid and you're lame, and I hate you.

I love you too.

This is gonna be fun.

I mean, I know we have to help these new people

but most of the time we'll just get to live together, like a normal couple.

We can chill out, and just relax, and...

- Have sex... - ...study philosophy.

- Horndog! - Nerd!

- Hi! I'm Daphne. - Hi, Daphne. I'm Janet.

- I made you. - Great.

I'll wait for your instructions.

Thank you for making me! Bye!

OK, Daphne's done.

Only another 185 people to go.

I'll check back in an hour.

You're doing so good, Janet.

Thanks, Jason. Making people is exhausting.

Can't help but notice

you're making a bunch of people.

You know, if we pooled our resources

we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.

Whatever. Janet doesn't need your help, dude!

Actually, it would go a lot faster. Thanks, Derek.

No problem.

Don't worry, this is purely professional, OK?

Now be a pal and hold my classy martini, while I get down to business.

Let's make people.

Hello, Your Honour...

You fell for it! It's me, Shawn.

Just wanted to wish you bad luck.

Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared.

Oh, I'm very confident.

I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment.

When you fail, and you will...

I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends.

Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis flatteners, and bees with teeth...

you are so predictable.

Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while?

Try using teeth flatteners

and bees with penises?

First of all, that's... stupid.

But also, we are switching it up.

When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity.

But guess who's going to be doing the torturing?

Hello, idiot!

We built a Michael suit!

The boys down in R&D said it couldn't be done

so I made it out of them.

That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin.

You are disgusting. Dis-gus-ting-uh!

Oh, Michael. It's going to be so amazing, watching your four BFFs

look so sad and betrayed and confused, as you, their reformed demon daddy

unleash a swarm of...

penis-bees. I invented those.

That was me.

Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do

and they'll know that it isn't really me.

And we'll erase their memories of you telling them.

Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way - very useful.

Have fun, Michael.

Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you.

Mmm-bye, bitch!

So... how bad is contestant number one?

Murderer? War criminal?

Instagram DJ?

Uh, yeah, um...

- Are you OK? - Mm-hmm. Yep, just a little jittery.

Last time I designed a Neighbourhood, things didn't really go according to plan.

Neh. Plans are for wimps.

- Mm. - We should've done this Shellstrop-style

don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test

BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study

and still got a C plus!

So what do we got, man? I gotta go give everyone a heads-up, remember?

Uh, his name is John. Um, some sort of journalist.

No major crimes or atrocities...

- Is he out there right now? - Mm-hmm.

Wow. That's freaky.

So, based on initial skimming of his file, we will run scenario...

G48-119...

- Geez Louise. - Well...

you have to be prepared for anything.

I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs

or does he know he definitely doesn't?

Dude, dude... Relax.

All we have to do today is tell John he's in the Good Place

show him around the Neighbourhood, and get him to Tahani's welcome party.

That's it. We can deal with the rest later, right?

- Right. Right, right, right... - Hey.

Listen. Whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great.

We trust you.

Your friends will always trust you.

OK. Here I go.

OK. I'm gonna...

Yup. Here I go.

I go here and...

I'm gone.

- Michael? - Oh, yeah, I'm gone...

- Oh, whoa. - I can't do this!

Hello?

- Is anyone here? - Michael, buddy!

John is awake. We need to open the door...

- Mm-hmm... - And welcome him into the afterlife?

Remember? The whole plan?

I do remember.

That's why I can't do it. It's too... too scary.

Oh...

No!

Hello?