1 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:10,296 So you telling me I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP? 2 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,071 It's not the place you're thinking of. 3 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,678 This is the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes. 4 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,844 It's the crossroads of all dimensions. 5 00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:20,143 Like Grand Central Station, but for space and time. 6 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:23,180 If you eat anything in this IHOP, you will literally explode. 7 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,098 Yeah, I know, it's IHOP. 8 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,192 Why are we meeting there? 9 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:32,777 The Judge's powers are limited in the IHOP, so she can't just retire me on the spot. 10 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,275 And I believe that when she hears what I've discovered 11 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,531 about the points system, she'll take our side. 12 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,701 If not, then we'll jump through a portal to another dimension 13 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:44,042 hope our molecules don't liquefy, and regroup from there. 14 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,205 Excuse me. 15 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:46,754 OK. 16 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,255 Now, watch your step. 17 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,041 Hey, so... 18 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,713 yeah, so... 19 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,257 - I don't wanna go in there! - I get that. 20 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,301 But come here, come here. Here are your options. 21 00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,600 Option Number one... 22 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,974 Cruel, but necessary. 23 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:12,488 Oh, look at this. 24 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,155 They added a tenth dimension. 25 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,860 Boy, permits must've been a headache. 26 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,781 Looks like we're inside a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern. 27 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:26,084 From spring 2013! 28 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:30,543 OK, everyone, just be cool, I know exactly what's going on. 29 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,336 We all smoked too much salvia. 30 00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:36,294 We gotta ride this out for about two, three minutes... 31 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,800 and then we'll be back in Pillboi's broken hot tub 32 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,973 and this will all be over. 33 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,395 Hey, is... is this a good time to talk? 34 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,481 Well, there's no time like the present. 35 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,771 And here, there's neither "no time" 36 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,697 nor "the present!" 37 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,451 Go ahead. 38 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:02,404 So, you know how me and you used to be married, when I was dead before? 39 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:03,825 Mm-hmm. 40 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,075 I think I'm starting to catch feelings again, for you. 41 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,494 - Mm-hmm. - And if I don't double-die... 42 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:13,832 in this IHOP, and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble... 43 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,477 do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend? 44 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:19,004 I'm not a girl. 45 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,179 But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere, sometime. 46 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,352 As opposed to here, which is nowhere, at all the times. 47 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,472 - Do you get it? - Yeah. 48 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,940 Hi! Butthead! 49 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:36,438 You lie to my face, disrespect my orders 50 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,358 steal the only key to Earth 51 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,660 meddle with an already compromised timeline 52 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:46,535 kidnap the humans into a Janet's void 53 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:50,167 and now demand a meeting in the freakin' IHOP? 54 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:51,957 I hate this place. 55 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,963 I wouldn't have asked for a meet if it weren't vitally important. 56 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,087 And I promise, no more rule breaking. 57 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,918 Oh yeah? Really? Cool. 58 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:03,389 Cos it kinda looks like you stole a book from Accounting! 59 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,518 No more rule breaking, starting now. 60 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,597 Hello, Chidi! 61 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,853 That is a great look for you. 62 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,978 Things don't work out here with old Blondie, you know who to call. 63 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,528 This bitch! 64 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,031 Sorry... 65 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,032 what is on me right now? 66 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,388 Oops! Where'd you come from, little buddy? 67 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:24,493 No, don't touch it! 68 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,655 Tahani. Do not touch the Neednoggle. 69 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,538 - What? - Bad! This is all bad. 70 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,835 Ugh! Humans are such whiners. 71 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,253 Here, hot pants. Let me take care of it for you. 72 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,341 Help! 73 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,301 Ah! 74 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:43,592 Ah! Everybody, you're all still standing in the IHOP. 75 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,219 The Judge simply augmented your reality 76 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,892 to make you feel like you're in a normal IHOP. 77 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:52,105 - Very smart. - Don't suck up to me, you suck-up. 78 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,312 This is far better! Instead of a slug creature 79 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,734 I have a cute little scarf... 80 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,382 - No! No! - No, no, no! Don't touch it! 81 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,689 Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle. 82 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,279 The Judge just made it look like a scarf. 83 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,739 - Wonderful. - Alright. 84 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,664 Why don't we all sit down, so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? 85 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,372 Your Honour, I once stood in front of you and said I thought 86 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,382 there was something wrong with the points system. 87 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:20,337 I finally know what it is - life now is so complicated 88 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:24,754 it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. 89 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,091 I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth 90 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:31,849 to remain impartial, but these days, just buying a tomato 91 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,099 at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting 92 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:40,938 toxic pesticides, exploiting labour, contributing to global warming... 93 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,398 Humans think that they're making one choice 94 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,783 but they're actually making dozens of choices 95 00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,326 they don't even know they're making! 96 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,990 Your big revelation is "life is complicated?" 97 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:56,119 That's not a revelation, that's a divorced woman's throw pillow. 98 00:04:56,379 --> 00:05:00,669 I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. 99 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,250 You don't want the consequences? 100 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,586 Do the research, buy another tomato. 101 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,217 - What else you got? - Um... 102 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,223 I'll tell you what else I got. 103 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,929 Uh, I got this. 104 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:16,852 Michael? 105 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,314 What... what are you doing? 106 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,393 - Backpack Kid dance. - Why? 107 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,529 I don't know, it makes people happy? Is it helping? 108 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,280 Can I say something? 109 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:29,277 - Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote... - Boring! 110 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,658 I got this. 111 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,508 - Wh... you... - I wanna tell you about a guy 112 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:36,660 from my dance crew in Jacksonville called "Big Noodle." 113 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:39,232 Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you. 114 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:43,421 I used to yell at Big Noodle cos he always showed up late to rehearsal. 115 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,548 Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. 116 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:50,135 I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. 117 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:54,432 Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents 118 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,062 who all lived in the same bed, just like in "Willy Wonka." 119 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,316 I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 120 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,148 cos I knew how hard it was for him to be there. 121 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,027 And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy 122 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,826 even if he wanted to - possession of a non-fried vegetable 123 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,695 is a felony in Jacksonville. 124 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,656 The point is, you can't judge humans 125 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,124 cos you don't know what we go through. 126 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:22,417 Amazingly, Your Honour, he's right. 127 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,838 I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. 128 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,668 Maybe you should give it a shot. 129 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,922 If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it 130 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,552 and you can, you know... 131 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,683 zappy-zappy, marble-marble. 132 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,484 Yeah, sure, I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. 133 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,519 See what you guys "go through" 134 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,611 and then, one way or another, this is going to end. 135 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,994 Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? 136 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,237 Oh. Pfft! 137 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,284 Mexico. Duh. 138 00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,537 Whoa. 139 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,244 Well, how long will she be gone? 140 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,625 No way to tell. Uh, my guess is... 141 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:05,456 Ohhh, brother! 142 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,883 That was rough! 143 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:12,133 - Right? - Sheesh! Earth is a mess, y'all. 144 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,433 Woof! Also, I guess I'm "black" 145 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:18,223 and they do not like black ladies down there. 146 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,723 Crap, y'all! This is bad. 147 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,143 Well, where did you go, exactly? 148 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:29,276 Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. 149 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,773 It's terrible everywhere 150 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,449 and always in a different way! 151 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:36,245 The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. 152 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:41,793 The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan. 153 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,995 - Why? - For the deals! 154 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,750 Earth stinks, y'all. 155 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:51,428 It's hot and it's crowded... but somehow also cold and lonely? 156 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:55,305 I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. 157 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:59,389 The first thing I did was I googled "big juicy natural tomatoes" 158 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,808 which led me to a porn site 159 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:05,316 that was for people with a sunburn fetish, or...? 160 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,109 I kind of never recovered. 161 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:11,568 Right. That's problem number one - life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. 162 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,777 Problem number two - even if you do somehow manage 163 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:20,623 to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences. 164 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,707 Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere! 165 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,955 Like, there's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! 166 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,957 - And it's delicious! - It is! It is so good. 167 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,836 And... and I essentially tried to do what you suggested 168 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,963 I obsessed over every choice. 169 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:38,808 But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place! 170 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,676 So I'm problem number three. 171 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,020 Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. 172 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,648 You know, we gotta figure this out. 173 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,565 ...and then Turtle makes a bet with Rhonda Rousey 174 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,445 and if she loses, she has to bo... 175 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,483 Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare 176 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:57,660 by describing the plot to the Entourage movie. 177 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,533 - What is this? - Some new information 178 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,948 has come to my attention and I need a solution. 179 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,831 I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this, but first, let's have a change of scenery. 180 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:11,253 Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP, so be careful. 181 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,504 Shawn. 182 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:17,009 I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average 183 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,841 better than the points system suggests they are. 184 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,222 Counterpoint - humans are terrible. 185 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,021 Limp Bizkit, slavery... The prosecution rests. 186 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,978 Gotta say, that's a solid rebuttal. 187 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,393 Look, there are plenty of awful people 188 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:34,447 and thoughtless jerks, and I guess Nazis, again, somehow? 189 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:38,117 But there are also people who are really trying to be good 190 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,993 and they aren't getting close. 191 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,369 Because they're not good at being good, because they're bad. 192 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:48,457 The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are, full stop, end of story. 193 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:52,878 Then why did these four get better, over and over again, in my Neighbourhood? 194 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,838 Why did they help each other in ways 195 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,752 they had never helped anyone on Earth? 196 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,717 I don't know, maybe it's a fluke. 197 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:01,265 Plus, you have zero proof they did get better. 198 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,058 You didn't keep track of their points. 199 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,185 That's it! 200 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,417 I know what we have to do... 201 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,936 Oh! He forgot we're still in the IHOP. 202 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,517 Anybody got eyes on Chidi? 203 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:12,981 Help. 204 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,195 Help! 205 00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:18,066 Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please? 206 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,386 I'm on it. 207 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,322 And... got him! Ah. 208 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,663 - Here you go. - Urgh! 209 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,705 Ah-ha! 210 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:29,748 I... I just saw a trillion different realities 211 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:35,045 folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade... 212 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:37,255 Yeah, yeah, the Time Knife, we've all seen it. 213 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:38,923 Let's get back on track, bud. 214 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:43,182 Yeah, OK. Sure. What I was saying, um, before, you know... 215 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,259 I saw the "Time Knife"! 216 00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:49,851 ...is this, Michael is right. 217 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:53,976 His Neighbourhood gave us the chance to become better people 218 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,734 because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard. 219 00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:02,235 Yeah. Uh, there was no rent to pay, no racism, no sexism... 220 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:06,031 No awards-show gift-suite publicist in-fighting. 221 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:10,000 What? Those gift-suites can be a real minefield. 222 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,703 But, Shawn is also right. 223 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,581 And the four of us becoming better people could be a fluke. 224 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,133 So, let's repeat the experiment. 225 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,462 It's what Simone taught us about data collection. 226 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,931 Try it again, and see if you get the same results. 227 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:28,223 Of course! I build a new Neighbourhood, we choose four new people 228 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:31,181 tell them they're in the Good Place, create challenges for them 229 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,890 track their progress. 230 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,860 My guess is they will do what the original four did 231 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:40,072 seek help, support each other, make wise decisions, improve. 232 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:46,075 If they do, then it's proof that humans are not "bad, full stop, end of story." 233 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,990 This is so stupid. 234 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,957 Where would you even put this Neighbourhood? 235 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:53,355 I wouldn't allow it to be built in the Good Place, that's for sure 236 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,819 and I doubt you'd want to come back to my neck of the woods... 237 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:59,125 Ooh! I have an idea. 238 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,718 Hi, Mindy. We need to use your backyard. 239 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,518 You need my backyard? For what? 240 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,519 We're conducting an important experi... 241 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,725 You know what? I don't care. 242 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,019 In fact, as soon as I started asking the question 243 00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,975 I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this? 244 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,443 You don't care about the answer." 245 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:20,650 Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. 246 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,532 And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek. 247 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,989 I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. 248 00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,659 Who's Derek? 249 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,950 Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. 250 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,329 I made him, so he's more like my son. 251 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:39,318 Although, I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani 252 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,629 so he's kind of my rebound booty-call. 253 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,678 So... he's your son-rebound-booty-call? 254 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:48,428 Fine, if you want to put labels on it, I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call. 255 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,093 But he doesn't mean anything to me. 256 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,687 Also, Derek never really... 257 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,439 worked right. He's a buffoon. 258 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,058 You have nothing to worry about. 259 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,519 "How should he love thee? 260 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:01,937 Or how deem thee wise? 261 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,981 Who wouldst not leave him 262 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:05,528 In his wandering?" 263 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,118 Oh. I didn't see you there. 264 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,538 I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. 265 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,411 Hi, I'm Derek. 266 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:15,576 Welcome to the Medium Place. 267 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,377 Derek! Why are... you so different? 268 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,124 You have Mindy to thank for that. 269 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,757 See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house 270 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:28,134 and every time she hits it, I pass out. 271 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,808 When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. 272 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:32,930 Not to brag 273 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,099 but I almost have a full-grown penis now. 274 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,811 It's resplendent, and mostly functional. 275 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,060 - How many times has Mindy rebooted you? - I don't know. Half a million? 276 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,191 - What? - She reboots me a lot. 277 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,528 Sometimes when she's bored, or just needs some "alone time" 278 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,109 sometimes just for laughs. 279 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:53,076 Derek... Shall we head inside? 280 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,615 - OK. - Cool. 281 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,209 So, here are the rules. 282 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,836 Michael designs the new Neighbourhood however he wants. 283 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,748 The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans 284 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:07,552 but they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four. 285 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,474 Alright? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band. 286 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:15,060 Michael will not get the files in advance 287 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,020 so he does not have forever to plan 288 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:21,692 but he can then change the Neighbourhood however he wants. 289 00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,866 Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this. 290 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,397 - So do I. - Good! That means it's a fair compromise. 291 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,775 So, one last issue. 292 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,326 Where do we get all the other residents for this place? 293 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:36,036 Well, my original Neighbourhood was built for torture so everyone was a demon 294 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:39,077 we can't have that. I say we get them from the Good Place. 295 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,412 Over my dead skin-suit. 296 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,251 Well, what other option do we have? 297 00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:46,467 Would anybody like a Medium snack? 298 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,004 I myself will be enjoying another classy martini. 299 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,467 Don't mind if I do. 300 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,758 I can make the people. 301 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,222 - Just like I made Derek. - Are you sure? 302 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,601 Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it. 303 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,357 They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek. No offense. 304 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:03,443 None taken. 305 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,396 OK. The other residents will be comprised of "Janet babies." 306 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,734 You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans. 307 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,741 I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating 308 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:17,198 and to track the humans' progress. Deal? 309 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,748 Ah! Gah! Ow! 310 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:24,581 Classic. 311 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,624 Ha-ha! Ow! 312 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,422 - Janet? - Hi there! 313 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,969 - Ah. - Ready to start building? 314 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,470 - Yes. - I have some ideas 315 00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,848 for how to design a sort of "basic" Neighbourhood 316 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,855 which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them. 317 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,392 - Now, when you say, um... "some" ideas? - I have 11 trillion ideas. 318 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,728 Yes. I'm so glad you're here, Janet. 319 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:48,900 Me too. 320 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,440 Alright. So... 321 00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:54,034 What's your first "basic" idea? 322 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,453 Perfect. So "basic." 323 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,425 This house was built to torture you. 324 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:13,424 Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly? 325 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:17,182 Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love. 326 00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,931 So I figured, why mess with success? 327 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,646 I mean, bleugh! What am I saying? 328 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,145 This house is stupid and you're lame, and I hate you. 329 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,354 I love you too. 330 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,361 This is gonna be fun. 331 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,439 I mean, I know we have to help these new people 332 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:36,368 but most of the time we'll just get to live together, like a normal couple. 333 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:39,787 We can chill out, and just relax, and... 334 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,165 - Have sex... - ...study philosophy. 335 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,664 - Horndog! - Nerd! 336 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:54,636 - Hi! I'm Daphne. - Hi, Daphne. I'm Janet. 337 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,342 - I made you. - Great. 338 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,796 I'll wait for your instructions. 339 00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,425 Thank you for making me! Bye! 340 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,388 OK, Daphne's done. 341 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,812 Only another 185 people to go. 342 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:05,514 I'll check back in an hour. 343 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,521 You're doing so good, Janet. 344 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,111 Thanks, Jason. Making people is exhausting. 345 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,188 Can't help but notice 346 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,114 you're making a bunch of people. 347 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:17,362 You know, if we pooled our resources 348 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,869 we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek. 349 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,281 Whatever. Janet doesn't need your help, dude! 350 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,500 Actually, it would go a lot faster. Thanks, Derek. 351 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,286 No problem. 352 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,663 Don't worry, this is purely professional, OK? 353 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:34,715 Now be a pal and hold my classy martini, while I get down to business. 354 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,340 Let's make people. 355 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,973 Hello, Your Honour... 356 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,430 You fell for it! It's me, Shawn. 357 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,557 Just wanted to wish you bad luck. 358 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,393 Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared. 359 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:52,770 Oh, I'm very confident. 360 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:55,787 I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment. 361 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,316 When you fail, and you will... 362 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,656 I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends. 363 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:05,491 Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis flatteners, and bees with teeth... 364 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,042 you are so predictable. 365 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,582 Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? 366 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,252 Try using teeth flatteners 367 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:14,128 and bees with penises? 368 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,380 First of all, that's... stupid. 369 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,507 But also, we are switching it up. 370 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,466 When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity. 371 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,767 But guess who's going to be doing the torturing? 372 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,553 Hello, idiot! 373 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,647 We built a Michael suit! 374 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,640 The boys down in RandD said it couldn't be done 375 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,101 so I made it out of them. 376 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,024 That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin. 377 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,656 You are disgusting. Dis-gus-ting-uh! 378 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:42,361 Oh, Michael. It's going to be so amazing, watching your four BFFs 379 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:46,950 look so sad and betrayed and confused, as you, their reformed demon daddy 380 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:48,579 unleash a swarm of... 381 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,670 penis-bees. I invented those. 382 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,048 That was me. 383 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,628 Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do 384 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,459 and they'll know that it isn't really me. 385 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,799 And we'll erase their memories of you telling them. 386 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,885 Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way - very useful. 387 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,059 Have fun, Michael. 388 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,762 Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you. 389 00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:10,063 Mmm-bye, bitch! 390 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,325 So... how bad is contestant number one? 391 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,823 Murderer? War criminal? 392 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:24,954 Instagram DJ? 393 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,205 Uh, yeah, um... 394 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:30,159 - Are you OK? - Mm-hmm. Yep, just a little jittery. 395 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:35,005 Last time I designed a Neighbourhood, things didn't really go according to plan. 396 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,589 Neh. Plans are for wimps. 397 00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:38,796 - Mm. - We should've done this Shellstrop-style 398 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,386 don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test 399 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,924 BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study 400 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,885 and still got a C plus! 401 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,766 So what do we got, man? I gotta go give everyone a heads-up, remember? 402 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,649 Uh, his name is John. Um, some sort of journalist. 403 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,147 No major crimes or atrocities... 404 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,274 - Is he out there right now? - Mm-hmm. 405 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,531 Wow. That's freaky. 406 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:11,162 So, based on initial skimming of his file, we will run scenario... 407 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,455 G48-119... 408 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,957 - Geez Louise. - Well... 409 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:16,819 you have to be prepared for anything. 410 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,842 I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs 411 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,796 or does he know he definitely doesn't? 412 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,464 Dude, dude... Relax. 413 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,764 All we have to do today is tell John he's in the Good Place 414 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,079 show him around the Neighbourhood, and get him to Tahani's welcome party. 415 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,561 That's it. We can deal with the rest later, right? 416 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:33,643 - Right. Right, right, right... - Hey. 417 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:37,192 Listen. Whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great. 418 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,734 We trust you. 419 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:41,822 Your friends will always trust you. 420 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,952 OK. Here I go. 421 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:49,324 OK. I'm gonna... 422 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,450 Yup. Here I go. 423 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,871 I go here and... 424 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,249 I'm gone. 425 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,668 - Michael? - Oh, yeah, I'm gone... 426 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,049 - Oh, whoa. - I can't do this! 427 00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:06,338 Hello? 428 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,382 - Is anyone here? - Michael, buddy! 429 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,634 John is awake. We need to open the door... 430 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,762 - Mm-hmm... - And welcome him into the afterlife? 431 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,221 Remember? The whole plan? 432 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:15,931 I do remember. 433 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,858 That's why I can't do it. It's too... too scary. 434 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:21,107 Oh... 435 00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:22,655 No! 436 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,314 Hello?