Original subtitles

Jonathan Walsh is an alien!

Walsh wants to meet.

I'm just gonna tell Ozzie everything.

You promised to come alone.

You're the reason I've got an FBI agent following me around.

We need to distract Alex so I can sneak out.

- Where's Ozzie? - You compromised

a criminal investigation,

and you made me look like an idiot.

- Terminate Walsh. - I'll take care of the traitor.

Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.

Good morning, everybody.

Look what I got.

- Doughnut? - Ooh.

Ahh.

The smell of computers. I missed that.

Hey, have at it, okay?

Oh, uh,

why are you in my office?

Are you my new secretary?

- This is my office. - Uh, no. It's not.

It's my office.

It says so, right here on the door.

Fired?!

How is this the first

I'm hearing of this?!

Uh, we sent you an e-mail.

I-I don't know if you know this,

but you are firing a man

whose girlfriend blew up in front of him.

I'm sorry, it's just not a good fit.

I know what this is about.

This is because I believe in aliens.

This is discrimination!

Nope. No. No, we made it very clear in our e-mail,

which was cc'd to HR and our legal team.

This is only about your negligence and incompetence.

You took a week off without telling anyone.

Are you telling me that I'm worse at my job than Karen,

who can't open an attachment?

Or Tom,

who's an actual Reptilian?

Waaaalsh!

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Oh, Jesus!

How many guns does this woman own?

Oh, My God.

Did anyone follow you?

Jesus, Jonathan. You look like shit.

Yeah, yeah. Did anyone follow you?

I told you, I lost Agent Foster.

No. Someone else is after me.

Wow. Somebody's paranoid. Not everyone is after you.

I didn't say everyone. I said someone.

I'm sorry if I'm a little nervous.

You're nervous? I'm the one in a creepy cabin in the woods

with a known fugitive.

But, yes. I came alone, all right?

Even though the group didn't want me to.

Hell, Yvonne even put a gun in this box of chocolates.

Relax. I left it in the car.

I gave them the best years of my life,

and they kicked me to the curb like I was nothing.

You guys, Ozzie just texted me!

- He's okay. - Oh,

and he's made contact with Walsh!

Yeah, we know. We're in a group text.

Walsh. This is all his fault.

I mean, he took away

the two most important things in my life...

Nancy and my job.

And now he's interrupting my therapy.

Richard, I understand why you blame him for everything.

But I think it would be helpful for you

to take your hatred and transform it into action.

You mean "revenge"?

Uh, well, to me,

- the best revenge is a life well lived. - No, don't do that.

Let's brainstorm a little bit on that.

How about taking a kickboxing class?

- No. - Or adopt a foster animal.

- Bleh! - Or you go see a cathartic dance show.

Tomorrow night. 8:00 p.m.

$5. Everybody should go.

Performed... It's gonna be performed by me.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, that sounds great.

But I-I don't see how that gets my job back.

How about this... What if you were to...

put some of your grievances into writing

- and mail them... - To the Department of Labor?

I was gonna say to yourself.

Sometimes a little self-reflection

can be very, very healing.

No. Writing to yourself is what crazy people do.

"Many U.S. Presidents are considered"

to have been Reptilian.

"Most people don't realize that Taft had a tail."

I'm guessing he didn't.

- Agent Foster. - Tell me you got Walsh.

I-I almost basically do, sir.

There's a lot of qualifiers in that sentence.

Do we need to send somebody else?

No, no, no. No. I've got... I've got a plan.

- I promise I'll get him. - Okay. You've got 24 hours.

I'll do it in 23, sir.

23, then.

23 hours? Idiot.

Why'd you say that?

Once that's in place, my boss will open his computer.

It will send a virus to everyone in the company.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is Richard

just gonna hog the entire session?!

I am sorry, but I was fired!

And if I can't workshop my plan for revenge here,

- then where can I do it? - Oh, hello, Agent Foster.

Hey, guys.

I'm sure you're all pretty surprised to see me here

after last night's karaoke fiasco.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

seeing you in that much pain genuinely ruined my birthday.

Yeah, well, you all betrayed an orphan's trust.

But I want you to know, it's water under the bridge.

Because I now realize why you did it.

You do?

You guys need answers from Walsh.

And what's more, I realize that Richard was right.

Richard was right? About what?

I've been right. What... What was I right about?

- That Walsh is a Reptilian. - Mm-hmm.

I've been doing a lot of research,

and I'm sure I don't need to tell Richard this,

but he does fit the profile...

Manipulative, emotionless, sociopathic...

Duplicitous, ego-driven. A life-ruiner.

Yes, exactly.

And it seems like sending Ozzie off alone to find him

was pretty foolish, guys.

Dangerous, even.

That's what I told them.

I'd like to send him some backup.

Do you guys know where he is?

Hang on a sec.

Just a few days ago, you were rolling your eyes

at my awesome alien experience.

Now you're dropping mad Reptilian knowledge?

I'm honestly worried about Ozzie.

And I'm starting to feel like Richard and I

are the only ones who actually care about protecting him.

That, and making sure Walsh pays for his alien crimes.

But if you don't know where he is,

then I guess you don't know where he is.

I don't know where he is, so, we... we... You don't know.

- No. - We don't. Sorry. Can't help you.

Well, then I guess Walsh wins.

Come on, Richard.

Hey, hey. No, no. A-Agent Foster!

Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

I think I know where Ozzie is.

You do? Get in.

I bet you have a lot of questions.

Yeah, but one is more pressing than the others.

I guess I'll just ask.

Was Richard correct about you?

- A-Are you a... - A billionaire?

Philanthropist? Pisces?

Yes, to all three.

No. I know you're a jerk.

Look, are you...

Yes?

...Reptilian?

Oh, yes. I'm also that.

You don't look it.

Well, that's on purpose.

Yeah, you're gonna need to show me.

But if I show you what I really am,

that's all you'll ever see me as.

Maybe. But I need to see. I need proof.

Okay, all right.

We come in peace.

Hey, I'm Snake Man.

Are you a lizard, or are you a man?

I like to think I'best of both worlds.

Holy shit!

Great news, sir.

I found a courageous informant

who's leading me straight to Walsh.

Excellent work, Agent Foster.

I look forward to seeing Jonathan Walsh in cuffs

in 20 hours.

Yes, that's right, sir.

Oh, the informant?

He is a brave American.

You know, courageous doesn't even begin to describe this man.

We're gonna bring down the Reptilian agenda, sir!

Medal of Honor?

I will tell him.

- Did you hear that? - Yes, I did.

"Richard Eugene Clancy Schultz. American Hero."

God, that has a nice ring to it.

Mm-hmm.

She found Walsh.

I'm sending you her GPS tracker info now.

Aah! Daah!

- Are you okay, dude? - No, I'm not okay, dude!

You're a freakin' alien!

Should I put this back on?

I-It seems like it's freaking you out.

Yeah, I'm freaking out! What the hell is going on?!

Why did you take me? Why did you take the group?

Ooh, how do I explain this?

You know how when you're doing a science experiment...

We were a science experiment?

Yes. We needed a random cross-section of subjects

to test so that we could learn about humans.

Who is "we"?

"We" is the alliance between Reptilians, Whites, and Greys.

We've been working... together to take over your planet.

Wait, like an invasion? How much time do we have?

Oh, no. We've already invaded you.

Think about it... Monsanto, your Presidents.

We got you guys looking at

tiny, little screens 20 hours a day.

We've been subverting you from within.

- That's phase one. - Phase one?

How many phases are there?

- Just two. - What is phase two?

Is it, like, harvesting our organs?

Is it mind control?

Are... Are you depleting our planet's resources?

What? Maybe.

We haven't gotten our orders yet.

But, yes, historically, phase twos don't end well.

That's why I need your help, Ozzie.

We need to stop it. You're the only one I can trust.

You've lied to me ever since I met you.

You ruined my life, and now you need my help?

Yes?

Look, I get that you don't want to trust me,

but, believe it or not, we used to be friends.

We were never friends.

I hated you the first time I met you.

And now I know the reason why.

Do you remember when you were in seventh grade

and those kids stole your yo-yo?

Why did those kids pick on me and steal my yo-yo?

I don't know.

Some people are mean.

You're not mean.

Are we friends?

- Excuse me. - Uh, yeah?

I think that yo-yo belongs to someone else.

No, it's mine.

No, it's not.

And you know what happens to little kids who lie?

What?

Boo.

Stay away from Ozzie!

Unless you want to see me again.

- Did you ever get bullied after that? - No.

What about when you were in journalism school

and you were living in that two-bedroom apartment

on the water for $500 a month?

You were my landlord?

I sold that building for a boatload of profit

after you left.

And I want to show you something.

I've been carrying this with me for 30 years.

I need your help, Ozzie.

I want to blow the whistle on this alien thing.

You're willing to do that?

Over the years we abducted you,

I started to feel empathy.

You made me understand what it means to be human.

So, yeah, I want to do that.

Okay, so, what is the plan?

Um, do you have a spare gun?

I actually have a compromised index finger.

I usually fly solo, but I'll need a partner now,

so I'm gonna deputize you.

- Raise your hand. - Okay.

Are you willing to do this?

Yeah. Anything for America.

I hereby declare that...

I hereby declare that I, Ri...

Wait. Ow! W-W-What are you doing? Ow!

I'm gonna leave you in here while I arrest Walsh.

Wait. Why?

Because I'm an FBI agent and you're not.

No, I'm the one who brought you to Walsh.

It's only fair that I'm the one who brings him down.

I'm doing this to protect you. You did the right thing.

How do we blow this incredibly weird whistle?

Well, it won't be easy.

You're not the only one

who's working for a Reptilian media mogul.

- Rupert Murdoch? - Uh-huh.

- Zuckerberg? - Yep.

- NPR? - We're everywhere.

But there are other Reptilians like me...

Human sympathizers, who have gone rogue.

We need to find them.

Actually, I know another group

who would like to expose the truth.

StarCrossed?

Do you think they would trust me?

I don't know.

Maybe I could do the face thing for them.

No! N-No.

Look, I...

You know what? I'll talk to them.

They trust me,

and I'll tell them to trust you.

So, does this mean we're friends?

Jonathan Walsh, you're under arrest.

I'm Special Agent Alex Foster with the FBI.

Ozzie, step away. Walsh, get on the ground.

You said you weren't bringing her.

- I didn't. - That's right.

The FBI doesn't always need help

when it comes to catching criminals.

Alex, you don't understand. This goes way deeper than Walsh.

We'll see how deep it goes

when I drag his white-collar butt to prison.

It's too late. They already found me.

That's right. I did find you.

And there is something I've been wanting to say to you

for a very long time.

You have the right to remain...

Alex, there's someone behind you.

Oh, there's someone behind me, Ozzie?

How stupid do you think I am?

Pretty stupid. Okay, I'll take this.

You don't know who you're messing with.

FYI, it's the FBI.

Okay, well, I'm a Russian agent for the FSB.

And the oligarchs that Walsh ripped off,

they want him back in Russia.

_

_

Russia's where you've been hiding all your money, Walsh?

- No, that's not true! - It is.

- What are you doing? - And that's where he's gonna pay

- for his crimes. - Come on, man.

What the hell are you doing?

He's my collar. You have no jurisdiction here.

_

_

_

_

_

_

Un-cuff me immediately.

Do you want to start another Cold War, buster?!

Shut up. Let's go.

Why would you take Ozzie? He's not wanted for anything.

He's not wanted for anything... in America.

I've never been to Russia!

We'll leave that for the Russian courts to decide.

This is so not good for Russian-American relations!

Ozzie? Walsh?!

Who's that other guy?

Aah!

They're getting away!

Ow! This hurts so much!

Hey! Oh, thank God. Can you help me?

Are you sure?

I don't want to assume you can't rescue yourself.

I just said "help me."

Wait. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on!

- You're liberated. - Thanks.

You're welcome, sister.

Nancy?

Nancy! I-I-It's Richard from group!

Please wave to me if that's you!

Hey, uh... murderer?

Can I have a chocolate before I die?

Yeah, you can have a chocolate.

Hey, Jonathan, can you pass me one of those chocolates?

A chocolate?

Yeah, one of Yvonne's chocolates.

It's in that bag by your feet.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I'll take one of those chocolates...

and the gun.

- Th-The gun? - Slowly.

And now I'll have one of those chocolates, please.

No coconut.

Did I just see Nancy?

Who? The woman with the axe.

She looked like Nancy!

But sh-she blew up.

Well, then, we both know that's impossible.

- Where'd they go? - Maybe Gina's right.

Maybe I'm just blaming Walsh

for things that didn't really happen.

Maybe Walsh is just a charming, good-looking man.

A charming, good-looking criminal, Richard.

Now focus!

Just a little bit further.

To your deaths.

- Ozzie, yell at me. - What?

Yell at me, and then punch me.

Just follow my lead.

This is all your fault!

What? You're the reason I'm here,

you scaly, billionaire asshole!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a hipster asshole!

And your abduction is the most interesting thing about you.

You think you're so fancy with your pour-over coffee

and your fixed-gear bike?

- Well, you're not. - Well, you suck as an alien

and you suck even more as a human being.

Well, at least my parents aren't divorced.

Ohh!

Just shoot this human now.

- I will, but... - No. Shoot him.

- He's the traitor. - Don't tell me how to do my job.

- Ozzie, now! - I want you to...

Agh!

Is it possible my marriage was just falling apart?

That it was my fault? That I was never abducted?

Richard, pull it together.

Okay, I'm coming to a fork in the road.

Should we go left or right?

"Two roads in the woods, diverged,

and I took... I took the road less..."

Richard! The left!

Or maybe it's right.

Please don't leave me in here!

Hang on, hang on. Let's talk about this.

No. You betrayed us.

And you got weak, Walsh.

And the weak must die.

Ozzie?

Ozzie, what happened? Are you okay?

Walsh. Where's Walsh?

It's... It's just us.

Trust Walsh.

Ozzie, it's okay. I'll get help.

He has the truth.

Find the others.

Ah.

Ozzie?

Ozzie?!

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