Original subtitles

Is there depression in your family?

Her mother's psychotic.

- Are you my muse? - I'm Rosemary.

Tell me how to stop her from killing herself.

Maybe you resent all the time

I'm working with Kathéryn.

Kathéryn. Kathéryn. Kathéryn. Kathéryn.

- Pat! - Ooh, sorry, I stepped on--

- Sorry, no, it's all right. - Sorry.

- Mm. - Wow.

I thought you were a pedo grooming my son.

No, not a groomer.

Thought the same thing about your kid.

- Is there a Mrs. Laird? - Technically.

Hey, this Laird guy is actually pretty funny.

She was fucking my best friend.

- Said I quit. - All right.

I- I think you had one too many lemon zests, buddy.

It's called lemon drop, motherfucker.

What do you want from me?

This can't be good.

Holy shit. She's real.

Help me.

Fuck you.

Roxy, come here, baby. It's Mommy, come here.

Roxy. Fine, you're on your own.

God, it's Gaynor. Phelps?

Okay, I know we haven't talked in a while

except that one time, and then I got my period, so...

Gaynor, it's your mom.

Open up!

Holy shit, Mom. Go away!

Jesus! Oh, sorry about that.

Jake!

Jake! Oh!

Mom, I was just trying something.

Leave me alone. Close the door.

Ugh.

Terry, she's real.

You gotta come with me right now.

Terry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Sometimes I fucking can't stand these people.

Gaynor, Jake, get down here now!

God, they say, "Liquor, then beer, everything clear."

But I swear lemon drops have rules all their own.

Why do we even have to go to Grandma's house?

- I thought you hated her. - I don't hate her.

We just have a complicated relationship.

Gee, what must that be like?

Trust me, you have it great here.

Oh, come on, Gaynor.

You haven't seen your grandma for a while.

Thought it'd be good for you kids.

Plus, your mom thought it'd be nice for us

to spend a little alone time.

Oh, honey, your breath is so bad.

- That's the vomit. - This is bullshit.

You only us this morning, and I already told Ryan and his mom

I'd go away with them. What do I tell them now?

Tell them you have to study for your ACT.

Okay, an ACT is if you're going to college,

and who says I'm going to college?

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't make that clear.

I did. Jake, now!

Pat, logic, not emotion, honey.

Gaynor, people who go to a four-year college

actually earn 57% more.

Plus, you're much more likely to meet

a intellectually compatible spouse in college.

Mom didn't go to college.

Does that mean she's intellectually inferior?

I'm gonna get some coffee.

Gaynor, I didn't have the opportunities

that you have.

You're going to fucking college.

Are they here yet? Did they leave?

Buddy, what's with the giant rucksack?

You're just going for the weekend.

Tommy and I always go treasure hunting.

Last time, we found an unexploded Civil War bullet.

Grandma's boyfriend,

our favorite Iraq War veteran, right?

- Mm-hmm. - My parents wouldn't take them?

- I tried three times.

How about I agree to go

if you admit you're a total hypocrite?

Okay, how about I'm still your mom,

so stop talking to me like that?

- It's your mother.

- Open up. - Oh, my God.

- Jesus, you crazy bitch.

- Pat. - Hey, Mom.

Oh, wow. This-this house is a shit show.

Hi, Grandma.

Hello, my gorgeous girl.

It's like looking in a mirror.

Where's Tommy? Is Tommy here?

Is he gonna come?

He- he's in the car cooling off.

He had a little incident on the way over.

- Aw, Terry. - Oh!

Oh, my--oh, how you holding up?

Holding up? What's--he's not a hostage.

Pat, I'm sure your mom's just asking

'cause I-I quit my job, Pat.

- No, no, no, it's okay.

I was always good at, uh, socking away

a couple extra dollars from every paycheck.

In college, they called me the Squirrel.

I didn't know you lost your job.

I was talking about the affair.

- God, Mom. - What?

Don't be--don't. Don't be so defensive.

- Infidelity is genetic. - Mm.

Her father used to fuck around like a stray cat.

Could be some bad traffic on that bridge.

Let's get you on the road, okay?

Kids, have a great weekend. We'll see you Sunday.

Bye, Dad. Thanks, Mom.

Okay, love you, sweetie. Bye.

- Mom? - Yeah.

I just wanna say thanks for watching the kids this weekend.

Being a mother is the most difficult job.

No one knows that more than I do.

- So yeah, oh. - Mm.

This haircut is not flattering.

- No? - No.

- Okay. - Bye, Squirrel.

I think your hair looks good.

Oh, please, she's awful. Who cares?

Come on, we are moving out of this fucking house now.

I don't understand.

The other day, you said everything was great.

You were doing the best writing of your life.

We had bath sex.

Well, when you find out what happened in that tub,

you're gonna be scarred for life.

Was it a feces?

Okay, last night, I was down here alone,

and this projector came on

- all by itself. - Okay.

Okay, I know you're gonna say there's an explanation for it,

but explain this.

- Okay?

Course it doesn't work now.

But there was footage of Rosemary at a birthday party

in this house, and then her-her face burned up.

- Oh. - She's real.

She killed herself in our tub. Terry, we can't stay here.

Pat, I just quit my goddamn job.

Now is not the time to take a loss on this house.

Okay, if you're not gonna help me,

then I will seek a professional.

Professional what?

Excuse me, Wiccan?

I need to get rid of a ghost.

Okay, were you sent here by a spiritual advisor?

Yelp.

And what type of an entity are we dealing with?

Um, a lady ghost.

There's a lot of different types of spirits.

I mean, you have orbs, poltergeists, succubi, demons,

which aren't even ghosts at all.

Okay, first of all, I fucking love

how normal this is to you.

Uh, her name is Rosemary.

She used to live in my house.

She was helping me write my book.

- So how do I burn her out? - Why do you want her out?

'Cause she's a fucking ghost.

So do you have, like, a-a-- an amulet or something?

- Mm. - What about sage?

I heard--I've heard good things about that.

Yeah, sage could definitely work,

but it could also just make her angry.

Okay, well what happens if she gets angry?

There's about 1,000 movies

about what happens when a ghost gets angry.

I just want her the fuck out.

Well, if you want her the fuck out,

then you need to find out what the fuck she wants.

Okay, I will find out what the fuck she wants.

Ugh, why does everything have to be so hard?

Like us on Yelp.

Say aloha to the Phelps family tiki bar.

- Wow! - Hmm?

Ah, come on!

Yeah, Pat found it.

This is-- this is insane.

If you weren't my best friend, I'd hate you.

Come on, Laird.

Hey, um, I-I was wondering

- if I could have a favor. - Sure.

I have a custody hearing next week, and my ex, Erika,

she thinks I still smoke weed.

You need a character witness?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just want you to take my weed.

I've been meaning to stop anyway.

- Was this touching your dick? - Oh, no, no, no.

It was in the baggie. Oh, come on, now it's yours.

It's perfect. It goes with the bar.

- Here. That's for you.

Jessica Hahn?

Yes, please. Where did you get this?

It was in my kids' tree house.

No, you do-- you have a tree house?

Terry, if you don't tell me something

about your life that sucks, we can't be friends.

Oh, Laird, everybody's got their shit.

- All right, what's yours?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Don't keep it in. You'll get sick.

Hey, can I interest you

in a nonalcoholic elderflower cordial?

You wanna smoke weed in the tree house?

- Yeah, let's do that. - Mm.

Yeah, I got it.

What are you doing? Homework?

My mother's making me take a college entry exam.

She's such a--never mind.

You know why grandparents and grandchildren get along?

Because they have a common enemy.

I'm sure your mother's told you lots of stories about me.

She hasn't, actually.

Yeah, that's because she's a narcissist.

I wrote a novel. Guess what it's about.

- Is it about you? - It's about me.

It's very interesting.

You know, I should actually get back to work, so--

I was a dancer, and then I got pregnant,

and I didn't wanna keep the baby at--you know what?

Let me find the novel. I think you'll like it.

- Let's go, killer. - We're going crossbow fishing.

Come on, Tommy.

Save an arrow for me.

Things were great when we first met.

Pat had just sold her book. She was fun.

She was alive. Am I talking too much?

People say I get all chatty when I get high.

No, man, I'm just enjoying my buzz

and watching that praying mantis have sex.

That's a knot in the wood, Laird.

- I'm done. - Okay.

Yeah.

Anyway, Pat and I got married, had kids.

- Mm. - I got a promotion.

- Oh. - Pat got writer's block.

Fast-forward a few years,

and I'm sitting in my kids' tree house,

getting stoned with a dude I barely know.

Wow, yeah, I-I'm so sorry your super hot wife had kids

and you got a promotion.

Yeah.

That took a lot of courage to tell me.

Pat had an affair.

That's--that's the reason we moved.

Get a fresh start.

- I'm sorry, man. - Mm.

Been there. My wife did that.

Yeah.

And are you sure that's not a praying mantis fucking?

Never let them give you lithium.

Okay, Grandma, I'm actually right in the middle

- of finishing-- - When I was about 50,

I started seeing things, hearing voices.

They shipped me around to a bunch of specialists.

One of them wanted to cut out my uterus, and I said,

"Then what will make me a woman?"

So we settled on lithium,

and the voices went away,

but it was a heavy price to pay.

I'm sorry, Grandma.

Yeah, well, all these male doctors

deciding what to do with my pussy.

Wow, that is terrible to hear.

- Wanna see some pictures? - Of what?

Okay, bitch. It's time to move on.

Come on, man.

I-I could've saged your ass out of here,

but I didn't because I'm fucking nice.

Just tell me how to get rid of you.

Patricia, why so angry?

Well, for starters, you lied to me.

You told me you were my muse, but you're a ghost,

a lying ghost.

I feel I've been nothing but supportive of you.

What do you want, Rosemary?

I want what every woman wants.

I want to be satisfied.

My husband, Rolf, never let me do anything.

I couldn't travel. I couldn't entertain.

I was simply a prisoner in this house until--

well, you know how it ended.

I'm sorry that you had such a sad life,

but what does this have to do with me?

Somehow in the pages of your book,

I feel like I am alive.

Well, unfortunately, you keep killing yourself,

and to be honest, it's a real fucking bummer.

Oh, well, how about if I write a different ending?

Instead of us writing together, I would take complete control.

Only for one chapter, where I get to go crazy.

I get to sing and flirt with a stranger

and maybe even go to Paris.

- What if you just get laid? - Done.

And then you'll move on?

I sure hope so.

Why should I even trust you?

Oh, baby, we're kindred spirits, you and I.

Can't you feel it?

Besides, who else are you gonna trust?

Kam, who would let you die if it gave her a best seller?

Or Dr. Berg, who has you so hopped up

on these mother's helpers

that you don't even know if what you're seeing is real?

Or then there's Terry,

who's been lying to you this whole time.

What are you talking about?

Do you really think that the Squirrel

would ever buy a house without knowing

absolutely everything that has happened here?

Do you?

Oh, do you at least get a hall pass?

What?

Come on, did-did-did Pat let you sleep with someone?

- No, I-I could never do that. - Why not?

Oh, come on, Terry, you're gr-- you're great-looking.

I mean, you, um-- you could be a JCPenney model.

No, I just--I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

Couldn't do it.

- Who's Kathryn? - Kath-Kathéryn.

You know, she's just-- how do you know Kathéryn?

She just texted you.

- What? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay, okay.

I don't have my-my glasses.

What-what is she-- what is she saying?

"Yo, going to be in wine country

in Connecticut tomorrow.

Wanna meet me?"

- Oh, uh--

Did-did you just write back?

Yeah.

Well, what did you write?

"F yeah."

Why? Why would you do that?

Oh, because if a lady asked me to go to wine country,

I'm going to type, "F yeah."

Yeah, but she didn't ask you, Laird.

Right.

She asked me, didn't she?

- Yeah. - God, and she's--

oh, God, now she's writing me back.

What-what do--just tell me what she's saying.

"Wow, called my bluff. Okay, let's do it.

Noon, Via de Santoro Winery. Wear a shirt.

It's super classy. XX."

Did you just write, "F yeah"?

F yeah.

Seller discloses person

or persons died in the residence.

Unnatural causes.

Holy shit.

The Squirrel knew.

Hey, I didn't hear you come to bed last night.

Laird and I got high in the tree house.

You know that list I keep of things I'm too old for?

Right underneath lemon drops, pot.

You lied to me, Terry.

Do you want me to go get the list?

You knew someone died in this house,

and you bought it anyway.

Honey, it's a 200-year-old house in Connecticut.

I'm sure that every house on this street

has had somebody die in it.

By suicide?

Okay, yes.

Yes, I probably should've told you that,

but I just--I don't know, Pat.

You just seemed to love the house so much,

and I thought, you know,

given what your mom tried, I thought maybe--

You thought what?

You-you thought it might be a trigger for me?

Is that what you fucking thought?

Can't imagine why I thought that.

Fuck you, Terry.

Fuck you, Pat.

You completely betrayed me.

Oh, my God. You're gonna use that term?

"Betrayed"?

The reason we're in this house

is because you cheated on me, Pat!

A house that we can't sell because it's haunted.

It's not haunted, sweetheart. It's not.

You sound like your--

What? What?

My mother?

Finish the fucking sentence, Terry, come on!

I'm not doing this, all right? I-I-I'm going out.

- Where you going? - I don't know.

- Don't wait up. - Don't worry. I won't.

Morning, Grandma.

Mm, good morning.

Oh, I found some old photos of your mother.

You can keep 'em if you like.

Wow. My mom was beautiful.

Thank you.

Why isn't she smiling in any of these?

I don't know. She was always so stressed.

Maybe because she never had the right haircut for her face.

You got a fam on your six.

Uh, uh, it's jammed. What do I do, Tommy?

Make a decision, Jake.

Three, two, one!

Neutralized. You ready for live ammo?

Am I--am I allowed to use live ammo?

- What the hell do I care? - Not in the house.

Go outside, sweetheart.

Do you, uh, have any pictures of my mom

when she was, like, my age?

You're worried you're gonna turn out like her.

Here.

Don't worry.

You have a sensitivity she lacks.

You're much more like I am.

Sorry I'm late.

I didn't think you'd make it.

I checked Google Maps,

and you live, like, 100 miles from here.

Well, I wasn't gonna miss the opportunity to visit

the, uh, Solvang of Connecticut.

- Wow.

What brings you this far out of the city?

Uh, Blake has a folk music

slash vinyl record festival bullshit--

- I have no idea. - Oh, yeah.

I used to love FMSR,

Folk Music Radio Slash...

Um, how's Pat?

I talk about Pat all the time.

You know, let's-let's talk about something else.

Like what is good here.

Oh, uh, well, I am sampling

the pineapple merlot.

It pairs very well with the peanuts.

- Mmm. A lovely bouquet.

Three dollars more, we could make it a pitcher.

Oh, let's do it.

Ugh.

Okay, Rosemary.

It's time to move on.

Writing's hard, right?

Come on, what do you got?

Oh, shit.

Damn, my mom was smart. Look at all these awards.

Runs in the family.

Wait, this letter says my mom was offered

a full scholarship to Albany.

Why didn't she go to college?

That wasn't something girls did back then.

In the '80s?

Why aren't you in any of these pictures?

That's when I was away in the hospital.

When you tried to kill yourself?

Okay, that was too far.

Here's the truth.

Before I was on lithium,

they gave me all kinds of pills to handle my emotions.

Well, one night, I decided to take the whole shebang

with a quart of vodka.

Guess I just wanted attention.

Well, they gave it to me

by locking me up and zapping my brain.

Four years in the cuckoo bin.

You didn't see my mom for four years?

She came to see me every single day.

Is that why she didn't go to college?

Don't you dare feel sorry for her.

She's the one who signed the papers to put me away.

Now you know everything.

- My God! - Shit!

All right, so nobody panic.

Grandma, where do you keep the gauze?

Okay, all right, it's like a roller coaster.

I love roller coasters.

Kind of goes up a little bit and then straight down,

hatchets through the back wall of a closet.

I have never been on that ride.

Oh, I've been on it a long time.

My last husband was the kind of ride

that just treated you like shit and slept with the housekeeper.

That's not a good ride.

Yeah, but the line is really short.

Ah, of course.

I think we're out.

Should we go for a quart

of the pluot zinfandel?

- Think I need to go home. - Oh.

Unless you don't.

Fuck, sorry, um,

I think I completely misread that.

Uh, let's rewind.

No, no, no. Don't-don't-don't be sorry.

It's--listen, how I respond

could have big consequences, so I wanna...

choose my words carefully.

I have to pee.

With Rolf taking the kids

away for the weekend,

Rosemary had the place to herself.

Well, not only herself.

Dan had been boxing her groceries

at Vogel's Variety Mart, but tonight...

...he'd be focusing on a different box.

Dan twisted her into positions she had never imagined.

She felt something she had never felt in her life,

unleashing 25 years of built-up repression.

And in one earth-shattering orgasm...

Rosemary was free.

Ugh.

Pat, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm just--I'm just working.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I-I've been trying so hard to make this work.

I don't know what else to do anymore.

Terry, I want to make love to you.

Okay, yeah. Let's do that.

Morning.

Oh, what time is it?

Wow, it's 11:02.

Oh, good grief, I haven't slept that late since I was at Penn.

I know. I woke up at 10:30.

It's the first full night's sleep

I've had since we moved in.

Yeah, well, no surprise,

given some of the things we tried last night.

Yeah, I still got a couple of tricks up my--

Holy fuck, Terry. What happened to your back?

Seriously? You don't remember?

Old-school Pat is back.

I think the ghost fucked my husband.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, technically, it was my body,

but I'm pretty sure she was driving.

No, no, no, no, ghosts do not enter other people's bodies.

You didn't make any type of a deal

with this entity, did you?

A little, but I'm pretty sure she moved on,

and that-that's a good thing, right?

Well, that depends.

I mean, if this is a demon,

that would be what we call a very bad thing.

No, I felt her move on,

so I'm going to assume that she's a ghost.

You can assume whatever you want,

but if this is a demon and you did let her in,

you need to take care of this now.

You know what?

I don't take advice from one-star Wiccans.

In fact, I think this whole thing is a scam.

So goodbye.

I'm just gonna pick up a little sage.

Oh, God. What is that smell?

I'm burning sage. I like the way it smells.

Think we should talk about yesterday

- before the kids come home? - Yeah, probably.

All right, well--oh.

Hey, there they are. How'd it go?

I had the best time.

I shot an arrow into a kayak,

and I learned how to dress a wound,

and Tommy gave me a ham radio so I could talk to him.

Ah.

And how about you? How was your time?

Ooh!

This was a weird fucking weekend.

Mm-hmm.

So, Mr. Phelps, what did you wanna talk about?

Well, Mrs. Phelps,

I wanted to apologize

for not telling you

that a suicide took place in this house.

That's okay, Mr. Phelps.

Are we gonna keep doing the Mr. and Mrs. Phelps thing?

No.

Okay.

Listen, I'm sorry that I-I freaked out.

I know you'd never betray me.

Well, in the spirit of, um, full disclosure,

I met Kathryn in the wine country for drinks.

- Okay. - Okay?

You don't--you don't wanna know what happened?

Well, I assume that you had

some really shitty wine and then came home.

Well, that is what happened,

but there was a minute there where I-I thought,

"Maybe run off with this chick.

You know? Could be fun."

But then I knew she would have shit

and we'd have shit,

and I already have shit with you.

- I like our shit.

I like our shit too.

Although I probably would've let you have a hall pass

if you were that kinda guy.

But thankfully, you're not.

That is late information.

Oh, I also wanna tell you. I got rid of the ghost.

- Mm. - Yeah.

I know you don't believe it,

and honestly, I'm not even sure I do anymore,

but she's gone,

so we're back to just us.

I would love to be just us.

But let me just check.

Hello?

Anyone here?

Rosemary?

Oh, come on.

Oh.

- Roxy.

Roxy.

- You shouldn't have let her in.