Original subtitles

My firm is pitching to the New York Archdiocese

and they paired me with an expert.

- Kathéryn. - Let's put a pin in Kathryn

and get back to your ghost.

Let's say she's your muse.

In the meantime, just take the Clonazepam.

Possible side effects include hallucination,

blackout, memory loss.

I wrote 13 pages,

and I'm hearing music coming from the closet.

We have a vintage Tiki bar.

Why aren't you so fucking happy?

Because I know it was you who sabotaged my presentation.

I told a room full of priests to "suck a hot dick."

I got suspended. Kathryn got fired.

I have no memory of doing that.

Welcome, Patricia.

- Are you my muse? - I'm Rosemary.

Did you write those pages?

We wrote them together. Let's celebrate.

I haven't had a drink in 16 years.

You deserve it.

You shouldn't be here.

Hey, hon. How's it going?

Fine.

- Yeah? - Mm.

Getting a lot written today?

Yeah.

Hey, I heard they opened a pressed juice stand

at the farmer's market.

What do you want me to do about it?

Oh, come on, honey.

Don't be so grouchy.

See, I-I'm trying to finish my work.

And when you come up here, it's--

it's distracting.

And then I lose my train of thought and I have to start over.

Maybe I'll pick up a couple of fresh juices,

and when I come back, you'll let me read something.

We'll play it by ear.

It was Sunday, which meant church,

pork chops, and sex with Rolf...

Did you say something?

I did not.

Huh, okay.

Terry, we're gonna make a rule.

When you hear me typing or--or talking

or whatever the fuck you hear me

doing up here, it means I'm working.

So please don't come in.

You think you could handle that?

Sure.

So why don't you start by getting the fuck out now?

Okay.

...and a trip to Vogel's market

for some not-so-subtle flirting with Dan the Grocer.

Hi, Rosemary.

Hello, Dan.

You got some great hams here.

They're bone in.

The manager says your husband said not to let you buy alcohol.

Well, you can tell your manager

I will not be treated like a--

Goddamn child.

You want mango madness or green machine?

Oh, green machine.

Great choice. I love that.

You look nice.

And where's the insult?

No insult. That dress hides your flass.

And that's mean slang for?

"Flat ass," obviously.

Oh, obviously. You look nice too.

Is that for your virgin boyfriend

or is today the big Diane Sawyer costume contest?

I don't get that old person reference, but yes, this is for Ryan.

Surprisingly respectful.

Yeah, I'm trying to break him,

but his Lord and Savior continues to cock block me.

Aw, that's my baby girl.

And here's our last hope for the Phelps line.

What's for breakfast?

Mm, you're holding a bagel.

Sweet.

Well--

you know, it's funny you guys should ask because I-I do,

I have a really big meeting today.

Shit.

Oh, God.

Ugh.

Eh.

Hello?

Oh, God, Terry!

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare ya.

Wow, look at you. You look great.

Really? Gaynor says I have a flass.

Oh, well, I love a woman with a fleshy ass.

So can I, uh, pour you a drink?

Why? Why--why would you ask that?

Because look at all this stuff.

Can I make my lady a--

an Elderflower Cordial?

Virgin, of course.

That sounds absolutely horrible.

Coming right up.

Why are you all dressed up?

Oh, 'cause Kam wants to talk to me

about the new pages I sent.

I've been on such a tear. It's been so easy to write.

That's never happened to me before.

I'm happy for you. That's great.

You're sweet.

I still feel bad about writing "suck a hot dick"

in your presentation.

I don't understand why Thom

would suspend you for something that I did.

Ah, it's a power move.

Plus, I don't think he likes the idea of a man

who doesn't have a control of his home life.

But in his defense, he's a gigantic asshole.

Such an asshole. I still feel bad.

Don't. Other than barely seeing you this week,

I've had a great time off. Honestly.

Got to do all the dad stuff I never get to do, you know?

Take the kids to school,

repair the wall that you hatcheted open.

Oh, we got a lot of treasures around here.

Look at this.

Oh, good. More junk.

No, no, no. That's a--

that's a vintage movie projector there.

Look at that. Dark secrets, dirty movies, who knows?

And wait, there's more.

Oh. Can't wait for that to chase me around in my nightmares.

- Ahh! - Stop.

Can you help me pick out paint samples?

Oh, shit. I gotta catch my train.

No, follow your heart. Wish me luck.

Well, she's gonna love it.

I fucking love it!

Ugh. It's next level.

And holy shit, Trish. Uh, Rosemary?

I mean, she's like you, but more.

And where the fuck did she come from?

You know Dr. Berg, the shrink I hate?

Mm.

Pill pusher, misogynist. Yeah.

Exactly. I love him now.

He told me that Rosemary was like my, uh--

my alter-ego slash muse.

So now I just take a little vitamin C, and she practically writes it for me.

Jesus, Trish, cocaine?

No, Clonazepam.

Don't worry. I have a prescription.

Oh, good.

I mean, you can't get addicted with a prescription.

I take a half of a pill just to relax me.

And then I get into her character.

Pl--don't give me shit. It's working.

All right, well, there's some potential bad news.

I passed your pages around the office

and the elite division wants your book.

That means a new advance. Like, triple your old one.

What? That's great news.

W-what's the bad news?

I said potential bad news.

'Cause historically speaking,

when things start going really well for you,

you self-sabotage.

Around the office we call it "pulling a Pat."

I resent that. I really do.

I--I think I have this wife-mother-artist shit down.

It's my kid's school.

Why do I allow myself to be happy even for one second?

Hello?

Do, do, do. Lights...

cameras...

...Nothin'.

Y'ello.

Jake got caught with porn at school.

How? We blocked everything on his phone

other than Poison Control and the compass.

It wasn't on his phone. It was--it was a magazine.

Where'd he even find them?

I don't know.

But the school wants one of us to come get him.

Can you please handle that for me?

It's my last day home from work.

Of course I want to have the dirty magazine

talk with my son.

Ow, mother--

Well, well, well.

Look at us.

I get sent home from work. You get sent home from school.

Couple outlaws, we are.

Can we please just go?

Hold on.

Let's have this conversation.

Look, I heard about--

You got the Farrah Fawcett cover?

Wow. Wow.

I was like 11 when this came out.

We didn't have any internet back then.

A boy had to wait for a trusted uncle

or a weird dentist to find one of these.

Jesus Christ.

Where'd you find this?

In a tree house in the woods.

Our woods? We have a tree house?

Yeah, I go there when I wanna be alone.

I'm there a lot.

Yeah, a tree house full nudie magazines

- is not bad.

Well, look, the point is is that

this is not representative of a woman's body.

I know those guys. Please go.

No, please, please. No.

- Oh, hey guys. - No--oh.

It's cool. I'm his dad.

- Sorry.

First of all, this style of pubic grooming

is completely passé.

The areolas are off the charts.

That's a C-section scar there.

You and your sister, of course, delivered vaginally.

- But-- - Oh, my God!

All right. We're going home.

Oh, yeah.

W--what the hell?

Is that Farrah Fawcett?

Feeling nostalgic.

Is that a cocktail?

I'm also feeling nostalgic.

Are you drinking?

I'm not drinking. I'm--I'm having a drink.

Oh, okay.

My bad. Have fun.

Hold on.

It's--it's not like I'm an alcoholic.

I didn't go to AA or rehab.

I just--I drank too much.

I was using alcohol to numb my pain.

Oh.

But this is different.

I'm having a drink to reward myself.

- Got it. - Hold on.

I didn't have kids back then.

I-I had a hit book.

I'm not a party girl anymore. Look at me.

I'm--I'm in an antique tub in Connecticut.

I'm basically Oprah.

Well, I guess I just figured you'd run it past me

before you had your first drink in...

17 years.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know I needed

to ask your permission.

We had a deal!

I stopped drinking when you did.

You know how many times I turned down happy hour

after work with Thom?

Well, then go. Go tomorrow.

See what you're missing.

I don't wanna go. He's a dick.

- Then quit. - I can't quit.

I have a job.

Who's gonna look after our family?

- Maybe I can.

Really? Because between the--the pills

and the blackouts and the bath martini,

Pat, I just don't think we want to hitch

the Phelps family wagon up to your star right now.

Well, for your information,

I'm good.

I'm better than good.

Kam loves my pages so much,

she's gonna give me another advance.

Terry, things are really happening for me.

Okay. Okay.

I just...

wanna be sure, you know, we're not..

missing any signs.

We won't.

You won't...trust me.

I am really happy.

Come over here. Get in this tub with me.

I'll do my--my best Farrah flip for you.

You're gonna need a lot more hair.

Everywhere.

Okay, Rosemary, let's make some magic.

The vodka burned Rosemary's throat,

working its way

down her silky body.

Her hand drifted below bubbles...

down her smooth belly.

And she...

Holy fuck.

- Yo, Phelps.

Am I interrupting?

- Kathryn.

God. Wow.

- Hi. - Hi.

Good to--ooh, sorry. I stepped on your--sorry.

- All right. No, it's--

Wow.

- Sorry.

- How are you? - I'm good.

I'm just here for my exit interview with HR.

They are giving me the "don't sue our asses"

platinum severance package.

I told Thom you had nothing to do with it.

I know. No, he offered me my job back,

but honestly I'd rather take the giant paycheck

and some time off.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and bye.

So...

oh, goodbye, Terry Phelps.

Okay.

Way too much vodka last night.

Let's not mess with the formula, Pat.

Okay. Try this again, Rosemary.

Okay.

Rosemary...

felt happy...

light...

buoyant.

Her hand dipped under bubbles.

What the fuck?

I heard my mom gave you a ride home last week.

It's chill. I'm actually wearing the medal she gave me.

Oh, that's cool.

Do you wanna come over later

and help me with my math homework?

Seriously? You're, like, three levels ahead of me in math.

I mean, you're-- you're smarter than me.

Smarter than I. By the way, poor grammar

is, like, a real boner killer, so--

You know what? I have a better idea.

Meet me at my house after school.

I'm gonna take us someplace really fun.

It's not that blasted out meth shed, right?

'Cause apparently you should bring a blanket.

- Okay, Gaynor. - Yeah?

I think you're really cool and obviously very pretty.

But I--I--I take my faith seriously.

It's helped me through some really tough times,

especially when my dad died.

So I'm down to hang out as friends.

But if you're looking for something more than that,

I'm not that guy.

That is so fucking hot.

Come on! Why are you doing this to me?

Hi, uh, this is Pat Phelps. Is he in?

Yes, it is definitely an emergency.

The message is, um, tell him I need to fucking speak to him

right the fuck now, you fucking fuck.

Thanks for seeing me so quickly.

You made my assistant cry.

Shit. I can't be the first.

Oh, my God. I'm the first?

What's going on, Pat?

Okay. So you know my muse, Rosemary?

She keeps trying to kill herself in my book.

And I--I--I think I'm "pulling a Pat."

"Pulling a Pat"?

It's what my editor calls it when someone self-sabotages.

Ha. I'm going to use that one.

Okay. Thanks for your help.

Now hold on, I--I actually think you're in a very good place.

I'm a fucking train wreck.

No, Rosemary's the train wreck.

You are in control. You know how I know?

How?

Because you reached out for help.

You- you made a rational self-caring choice.

Okay, can you just skip to the part where you tell me

how to stop her from killing herself?

I--I'll pay you for the whole hour.

You control her. She doesn't control you.

But i-if she behaves badly,

you have the power to make her disappear.

That's fucking brilliant.

It's all you, Pat.

You really don't need my help at all.

Yeah, I got this.

Okay, while I have you, um,

would you mind refilling these bad boys?

This is what you meant by fun?

Does fun mean something else in the Bible?

What? They have great stories

and whatever pudding they don't eat, you keep.

Hi.

Oh.

Thank you, Margaret.

Oh, my name's Gaynor, actually.

I'm General Patton.

Okay.

Okay, Rosemary.

I'm in charge.

So you have to do what I say.

Please.

A hot bath was exactly what Rosemary needed

at the end of her trying day.

Well, not exactly.

Her hand slid down her slick belly...

and found its way

between her taut legs.

Teasing.

Exploring.

Definitely not killing herself.

What can I get you, chief?

Uh, I'm actually, um, looking for somebody.

Uh, dark hair, dark suit, name's Thom.

A banker-looking type.

Uh, I don't know.

Can I get you a drink while you're waiting?

A drink? I, um--

Yeah, I'll have a drink.

When I was in college-- uh, I went to Penn--

Doesn't matter.

They used to make this lemonade vodka little thing,

sugar around the rim.

Mm-hmm. It's called a Lemon Drop.

And, uh, it's on the back here under "fun and frilly."

Great. Make it a double.

Yeah, you got it, boss.

Hey.

No way. What?

Terry Phelps? Are you kidding me?

Hey, I was quite the drinker back in the day, Thom.

Sit down here and I'll show you how the big boys do it.

All right, tough guy. I like it.

Here is your Lemon Drop, captain.

Yes, sir.

Made it extra fun and frilly for you.

All right.

Take a Glenlivet 21. Neat.

A couple of dudes out for some cocktails. Huh?

- That's us.

Salud.

Ah, tart.

Yeah, I see.

Oh. Another dead soldier down.

I'm buying the next round. Two, please.

I gotta say, I'm a little surprised.

I didn't think you drink because, you know, your wife.

No, no, no. That's--that's all over.

- That en--that ended. - Oh, thank God.

I mean, no offense, but come on, she's nuts.

I meant the not drinking ended.

Pat and I are still together.

Yeah, I mean, you make a great couple.

I'm sorry, Terry, I know I'm not supposed to say this.

Come on, she's a fucking disaster.

No, she's not, Thom. She's--she's not a disaster.

She's actually doing great right now. She's--

- Let me show you something. - Huh?

See this number?

That's what you brought in last year.

You see this much smaller number?

That's what you brought in this year.

The only thing that changed is Pat blew up your life.

It's just math.

Everybody's numbers are down.

You can't hold her accountable for that.

I'm not talking about everyone.

I'm talking about you.

Understand? Get your shit together.

She felt new...

Clean...

...changed.

Help me.

- Ow!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Get my shit together?

Oh, motherfucker.

Maybe you should get your shit together.

You ever think about that, you dumb son of a bitch?

Does that ever cross your stupid-ass mind?

My worst numbers of my life are the best numbers you ever had.

I am your top earner, you son of a bitch.

I'll tell you what, how's this sound to you?

I quit, bitch. Huh? How's that sound?

You want to say all that to him?

Uh, no.

I'll tell you what. Here.

Just give him this. "I quit."

And get me another one of those Lemon Drops.

Sugar on the rim?

Damn right, sugar on the rim.

- Hey. - Hello, Mrs. Phelps.

- How's it going? - It's going crap.

I'm completely blocked.

My muse is suicidal.

I broke my laptop and there's blood.

There's a little blood over here in the water too, hon.

There's a lot of blood.

There's so much fuckin' blood.

Did it, honey. Oh, my God.

Missiles are locked and loaded.

Launch sequence initiated.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I am a new man, honey.

I did it. I fucking did it.

I quit. I quit!

Why? Why?

Why would you do that?

No, no. You-- you told me to talk to Thom.

You know, he called you a disaster.

I am a disaster.

- What? - This is not the time

for you to quit your job.

We can't hitch our wagon to my star right now.

Oh, shit.

I'll call you back.

Good night, Mr. Harris. See you next week.

Thanks for the earrings.

Oh, next week?

Did somebody have...

I don't know, fun?

I went to Chastity Club and I ate your mom's soup.

What's three hours of washing death smell out of my skort?

Yeah, I like it here.

And I--I think you're pretty cool for doing it.

You know what?

I think it's time you met my girlfriend.

You're a piece of shit, you know that?

Gaynor. This is my girlfriend, Bertie.

Hi, I'm Ryan's asexual helpmeet.

Cool fact--Bertie's lived in Shining Vale her whole life.

Who are you?

Oh, this is--this is Gaynor.

She just moved into the big house on Elm Street.

The house with the trees?

Oh, yeah. There are trees.

Ow, your cold hand's hurting me.

Oh, oh, stay away.

What?

You'll die in the trees.

Um, Ryan, she won't let go.

She'll kill you.

Wait, who are you talking about?

Stay away from the house in the trees.

What? Okay.

Can we get some help in here, please?

Stay away!

Next time we go to the meth shed.

Okay, Rosemary.

You wanna talk?

Let's fucking talk!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.

Whoa.

Whoo!

I've gotta go home.

What, was that Pat on the phone?

Yeah. Yeah. She's just having a little--

Let me guess, a little crisis, Terry?

You've been out for drinks once in 15 years

and your wife calls you home and you just jump?

Well, Thom, she's--

How much shit are you gonna take?

How much?

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

This is for you.

Wh--I quack? What is that?

It said, "I quit." And I do.

All right, I-I think you had

one too many lemons zests, buddy.

It's called "Lemon Drop," motherfucker.

And don't you ever talk about my wife being a disaster again.

Okay, Phelps, go home. You're drunk.

You're--you're drunk! You're drunk and I'm drunk.

So that's-that's--and guess what?

Guess what? Guess what?

"Suck a hot dick" motherfucker.

I quit. Whoo!

- Sorry. Sorry.

My husband quit his job and I can't afford to "pull a Pat."

So...

I created you, and I can get rid of you.

Come on, what do you want from me?

This can't be good.

Holy shit.

She's real.