Original subtitles

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, Dad, Dad, will you please

turn off your old person music?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you

over this objectively perfect song.

An American classic. Your mom gets it.

- I can guess what

you're thinking right now.

- Pat?

- Honey?

Honey.

- Hmm? - I was saying, honey,

I'll bet I can guess what you're thinking.

Probably not.

Hey, listen, guys, I wanna tell you something.

This move is really gonna be great for us.

Terry, watch out!

- Mom! What the fuck?

Gaynor! Do not talk to your mother like that.

Pat?

What the fuck?

There was a little girl. She was chasing a ball.

Oh, my God, Terry, I think you hit her!

What? No! Where?

I-I didn't see anything! I saw nothing!

Wait. Dad killed a little girl?

Oh, God. Ha.

Musta been a deer.

You know, w-we didn't have any deer back in Brooklyn.

They're all over the place here in Connecticut.

- I'm sure that's what it is. - It wasn't a deer!

It wasn't a deer! She was--she was wearing a--

a flowered dress, and she had ribbons in her hair.

Well, I can actually see how an antler

could look like a ribbon--

I know what a fucking deer looks like, Terry!

Just keep looking!

For what?

- Oh, God. - What-what are we looking for?

Th-there's nothing here. Hello!

I mean, come on.

- Did we kill someone?

Ha. No.

No, it was a false alarm.

Okay?

- But like I was saying, guys.

This move really is gonna be great for us.

Welcome to Casa de Phelps.

Just slightly bigger than our apartment in Brooklyn.

Are you shitting us?

No, Gaynor, we're not shitting you.

When your mom and I saw it, we fell in love with it.

And you will too.

Wait.

Why are we moving to a hotel?

- It's not a hotel.

This is our new house.

It's a hundred miles away from all the crazy in the city.

In other words, Mom boned some rando,

- so we had to move here. - Hey--no!

It's not about that. It's a great house.

And I got it 200 below asking,

in this market!

Gaynor, your bedroom is on the opposite side of the house

from ours, and Jake, you have your own bathroom

with a lock on the door.

- Sweet. - Just say that then.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, it was just...

- long drive. - Yeah.

Should we check it out?

- Hey, you need some help? - No, I got it.

Hi.

- We're um, we're just moving in. - Pat, little help.

Honey, I'm talking to someone.

Fuck me.

She is the pearl of Shining Vale.

Of course, you remember her grand staircase

leads us down to the foyer.

Living room, dining room, family room.

No basement, but the attic has plenty of storage.

I'm gonna be using the attic as my writing annex.

Oh, you're a writer!

Anything I might have read or seen?

Do you ever read "Cressida: Unbound"?

That was Pat's first novel.

Oh! The lady porn.

Huh. What was that... 20 years ago?

No, it was 17, and it's not porn.

It's a women's empowerment story

about a sex addict that makes bad choices.

Just a complete work of fiction.

- Mm. - It is fiction.

That's what I'm saying. It's amazing work.

It's fiction.

I'm hoping that being out in the country

is gonna help me find my muse again.

Oh. These old ladies have plenty of stories to tell.

They're just gonna leave this piano, huh?

Used to tickle the ivories at college.

- I went to Penn. - Mm.

So, uh...

Oh. It's dead.

Yeah, I have a question. It's--it's really cold in here.

Does the heat work?

Uh, should be. Yeah, just give it a bit.

I mean, the house has been empty for nearly two years.

She's probably not used to having people

inside of her.

Anyway...ha.

Welcome to Shining Vale. Here you go!

Thank you.

Bye.

That was a really fucking weird way to put that,

- wasn't it? - No!

And here we go.

I found a hatchet out in the shed.

Or maybe it was an axe.

Hatchet, axe--I- I don't know!

All I know is I went to town on some wood,

and honestly, I feel like a different man.

I don't know why I'm just so cold.

Maybe it's menopause.

Mm.

Menopause makes you hot, wise-ass.

No phones at the table.

We don't have a table, so...

No, no, no, Mom's right, Gaynor.

Come on, phones down. Everybody--you too, mister.

- Come on. - Let's go.

This is family time.

Hey, you know what I wish?

That Brooklyn's Second Best Movers didn't lose

- our dining room table? - No...

That Roxy didn't just take a shit in the living room?

Damn it. I just walked her!

No. You can clean up the poop later.

Just--this is family time.

I wish we had done this a long time ago.

But I wanna know what everybody's

looking most forward to in the new house.

I will start.

When I was out there in the shed chopping wood,

I saw what I think is beaver scat.

- Oh. - I think we're near a creek.

Jake, what do you say you and I go exploring?

Outside?

Yes, outside.

Okay.

Okay! Okay. Let's build on that.

Gaynor, what're you looking most forward to?

Emancipation.

Kay. You lose your turn. Pat?

Well, um, I'm looking forward to

finishing my book, obviously, but, um,

mostly... reconnecting with my family.

Hear, hear. Family.

- Cheers all around. - Cheers.

Okay.

- Can we be excused? - Yeah, I think that's fine.

We're gonna do this every night!

Let's make love.

Really?

Well we haven't had any action since you f--

Fuh--fra--

I can't say it.

I didn't plan it.

Frank came over to fix the-- the faucet.

He took off his shirt,

and the- and the next thing you know, i-it just happened.

Mm. You know anybody takes their shirt off

- to fix a faucet? - Oh, I'm so sorry, Terry.

He didn't even fix the goddamn faucet.

I t--I've been in a really dark place lately.

I-I don't--I don't e--I didn't feel like it was even me.

Has anything changed recently?

No. Nothing!

I-I'm-I'm...

my kids are teenagers, so they ignore me.

Terry's at work, a-and I'm home alone

in our tiny, tiny apartment

just trying to write my book.

And every single day...

is exactly the same.

- And what is so wrong

- with that?

I'm just really fucking sad.

Is there depression in your family?

- Her mother's psychotic. - My God.

Why would you bring my mom into this?

He asked about depression, not psychosis.

No, i-is your mom depressed?

Yes, she happens to be, but...

- and psychotic. - Hmm.

Have you been on drugs before or--

She was a complete alcoholic.

- That count? - Mm.

I've been sober for over 16 years.

Right. I meant antidepressants, which,

given your history and symptoms,

uh...I think we should start there.

Oh. What are the side effects?

Short-term--insomnia,

weight gain, extreme drop in sexual desire.

- Yeah, looks good. - I could live with that.

Pat...

come on!

Come on.

Wild, man. Oh.

Patty...

It's hooked on my watch, okay?

God damn it.

I'm hooked on the-- my watch.

- I'm stuck. Just-- - Let me help.

Reach - reach up and grab that right here.

Okay. Oh, you really are stuck.

- Yeah-- - You know what?

Let's just put it back on.

Yeah. Here.

Okay, okay. Okay...

There.

Listen, why don't you go upstairs...

- Yeah? - And I'll be there

- right after I straighten up. - Yeah.

And then you and me...

are gonna consecrate our new house.

Okay!

Can't wait.

Whoo! Love this place!

Terry?

Hello?

Oh.

- What?

- Do you have to go potty?

Roxy, do not shit in this house again.

Aah!

Terry, I saw someone downstairs.

Huh? Where?

- You saw someone in the house? - No. She was in the backyard.

I was in the living room.

Okay, but the living room...

the living room doesn't overlook the backyard.

Okay, whatever that room is

that--that does overlook the backyard!

You're talking about the family room.

Okay, fine! I-I was in the family room

and she was outside looking in the window!

- What'd she look like? - I don't know!

She was-she was like... old-fashioned.

Like your mother.

My mother isn't old-fashioned looking, Pat.

If anything, she's handsome.

Wha...Jesus, fuck, Terry! Okay!

- There's a handsome-looking... - Okay...

- Woman, not your mother... - Shh!

Hovering outside the family room window.

- Okay. - Oh, my God!

Are you talking about the library?

Just fucking go downstairs!

Nothin' out there.

- Are you sure? - I didn't see anything.

I mean, nothing unusual.

Must've been a deer.

The window is ten feet off the ground.

How could it be a deer?

Well, how could it be a handsome woman?

I didn't say handsome. I said old-fashioned.

And I don't know why you think

I don't know what a deer looks like.

Okay, well, whatever it was, it's outside, okay?

Tomorrow I'll hire somebody to put up floodlights.

- Thank you. - We had a very good handyman,

- but obviously--okay. - I know, I got it.

You know what? I'll just do it myself.

Ha.

W-where are you going?

Chop some wood.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No way.

What?

You look like you're auditioning for Pornhub.

You don't audition for Pornhub.

Your ex-boyfriend puts you on it.

Oh, I'm so happy you know that.

Change.

Jake, put your phone down. Where are your shoes?

Uh...shoot.

Put on shoes.

Gaynor, put on clothes.

It's your first day at a new school.

You don't wanna be known as- as that girl.

I guess you would know, right?

Is this mine? I'm allergic to jelly.

No, honey, you're allergic to peanut butter.

You don't like jelly. Find your shoes.

What--what do you mean, I would know?

Nothing. You said I'm dressed for giving blow jobs.

You cut the crust off?

That's my favorite part of the sandwich!

I-I'm sorry, I forgot about the crust.

- I never said blow jobs. - Oh, whatever, Mom!

Is this even sourdough?

- You called me a slut. - I can't eat this--I hate jelly

- and I love crusts. - We all know the real reason

- we're here! - Oh, my God, stop it!

I'm your mother, and I'm doing the best I can!

Now, go upstairs and get dressed

so your first day at a new school

isn't a complete fucking shit show!

- Chill out, I'll change. - I'll eat the jelly.

Thank you.

This is so fucking lame.

Would you stop saying fuck so much?

- You sound like a t-- - You?

No. You're better than me.

Better than I.

Okay. Yep. Try not to be a dick.

Okay, Jake,

phone down, earbuds out.

Gaynor. Gaynor?

Remember what I told you.

Yeah. Use protection.

No--uh, yes--but--

Make good choices.

- I'm nervous. - Aw, honey, don't be nervous.

You're gonna be great.

You make an age-appropriate friend, okay?

Or, at least try to make eye contact.

Let me--let me see your eye contacts.

Come on, right here.

All right, close enough.

Find someone to sit with.

No, not the bus driver, honey--

- Holy shit.

SCHOOLBUS

Don't be nervous! I love you!

Hi.

You were...watching us move in.

I sense something.

It wants you.

- You must be careful. - Sorry, I-I-

- I can't fucking hear you.

Whoo!

Ooh--oh!

shh--

All right.

It's just words.

No pressure.

- Oh, fuck.

Hi, Kam.

So happy to see you.

Hey, Trish. Just wanted to check in.

How's the book coming?

Ugh. You would hate it here.

Can you believe that I live in Connecticut?

They want me to drop you as a client.

What? You can't drop me.

We-we're like sisters.

Ha. Yes, I'm the sister who paid you

an advance six years ago to write your follow-up novel,

and you're the sister who, every time I bring it up,

gives me bullshit.

I know! It's fucked up.

It--

Let me unfuck it for you.

If we don't get the first chapter next month,

I want the advance back.

Trish...

you got this.

I got this.

Roxy, you scared the shit out of me, you little turd!

Here ya go.

Fucking kidding me.

- Okay, Roxy.

Move.

Patricia.

I have looked around,

and, once again, there's nobody here.

Well, I don't know what to tell you--I heard whispers.

Really?

- You hear them now? - No.

- Don't patronize me! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I just took a $250 cab ride from the city

because you heard the wind knock over a picture frame.

Okay. Look at those pictures. Look!

That is the woman I saw outside the window

and that's the little girl from the road.

Pretty sure those came with the frame.

I don't know what's happening, but...

there's something very wrong with this house.

I don't remember it being this creepy when we first saw it.

And I don't remember Robyn telling us

it was vacant for two years.

I think we should move back to Brooklyn.

What do you think?

I think it's--

I think it's a little late to ask me what I think, Pat!

We sold everything to buy this house.

I cashed in on my pension.

There's no turning back.

- We gotta make it work! - I'm trying!

Are you? Because everyone else is.

Well, I keep hearing and seeing shit, so...

unless I'm going crazy...

Oh, God.

Do you think I'm going crazy?

Nope.

Think you've always been crazy.

No, I'm serious.

My mother was my age when she went psychotic.

I mean, I already got her porous teeth

and the alcohol gene.

What if I got her psychosis too?

Oh, honey, honey...

Look. You're not your mother.

Okay?

You're a little stressed out.

You need to exercise. Chop wood!

It's workin' wonders for me.

I don't have time.

I have to... finish this fucking book.

Then guess what.

You...won't write it.

Kam says if I don't write it,

I have to give the advance back.

Then guess what. You will write it.

You will lock yourself in that attic,

and you will finish that book.

Pat, you're gonna feel so much better when you do.

What if I don't?

What if I'm just the...

the crazy lady banging around the attic

for the rest of her life?

Naw.

You're a Phelps.

You can do anything.

What if I can't?

Then guess what.

We're fucked.

Please.

Oh...

That's--I don't know.

- Yeah.

Why are you laughing at me?

We're not laughing at you, Jake,

We're laughing with you. It's funny.

What's funny?

Oh, hey, honey.

It's nothing. We were just talking.

I could use a good laugh.

What's funny, Terry?

I joined a sports team.

- Yeah-- - The sport is Minecraft.

Okay, that is funny.

We have practices, and I need a permission slip,

- so that's a sport. - Come on.

It's a video game!

Hey, kids, your dad knows all about sports.

He was a cheerleader.

Excuse me!

I was a yell leader.

And I don't wanna make a big deal or brag,

but I was the head yell leader

- at Penn, so... - Oh.

That's not bragging, Dad.

That's saying you didn't get laid in college.

Gaynor, just one thing to say to you, sweetheart.

Hold up!

Wait a minute!

Let me put some spirit in it!

Be aggressive!

B-E aggressive!

B-E-A-G-G

R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

- Yes! - Be aggressive!

- Oh, my God. - B-E aggressive!

B-E-A-G-G

R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

Be aggressive!

- B-E aggressive!

B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

Be aggressive!

B-E aggressive!

B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

Patricia.

Terry. Terry!

Did you hear that?

Mm. It's probably a deer.

Oh, my God.

Roxy, that's Grandma's lamp.

- Come on, let's go.

Okay.

One shit. Come on.

One shit for Mommy.

- Roxy.

Holy shit, Terry.

- Oh, God.

- God--

I have an axe and a dog.

Roxy.

- I have an axe!

Ohh...

Aah!

Huh.

Aw.

Good girl.

Good shit!

Here, Roxy.

- Patricia.

What are you doing in my house?

Terry!