Original subtitles

Don't worry, little friend. You're going to be right as rain.

[turtle] Kill me.

- [pet 1] Where's my mum? - [pet 2] Help. Quick. He's coming.

- He's coming. - [pet 3] My fucking bone.

[dog] Why have my owners abandoned me?

- [pet 4] I'm afraid. - [cat] Gonna scratch the shit out of ya.

- [pet 1] I was in here first. - [snake] ¿Dónde estoy, carajo?

Esto no es el bosque.

- [dog] Please don't take my testicles. - [pet 1] Where's my mom and dad?

- [pet 5] What is going on here? - Sorry.

[turtle] Just do it. Do it, you coward.

[pets chattering]

- [pet 6] Anyone there? - [pet 1] Let me out! Let me out!

[turtle] Go on. Walk away. Like you always do.

[pet 7] Hungry. I'm hungry. Hungry. Hello, I'm hungry. Food, please.

- [pet 8] I hate it here! [screams] - [headphones beep]

[classical music playing]

[dogs barking]

Jizzlord?

[dog whines]

[rhythmic beeping]

[rapid beeping]

- [beeping stops] - Yep, he's microchipped.

[typing]

12 Prudence Drive. David.

Do you reckon that's the owner's name or his name? Who calls a cat David?

- [chuckles] - [Jen chuckles]

This world doesn't make sense to me anymore.

Yeah, that's probably his old owner's address.

Jen's my owner now.

No, I'm not. You need to stop telling people that.

Hey, maybe David knows where I come from.

Wait.

Are you experiencing post-transformational long-term memory loss

and generalised aphasia?

Yeah, I... I'm experiencing post-transformational long-term…

[stammers] …aphasia.

Yeah, he's fucked.

[groans] You poor thing. I couldn't do that.

Not knowing who you are. Who you were. Drive me mad.

I was adopted, you know.

First thing that I did when I turned 18 was find out who my birth mother was.

We have a great relationship,

but at the same time, I did discover I'm a blood relative of Fred West,

so… mixed bag, isn't it?

[sighs]

Ooh.

Oh, uh, I wouldn't go for that one.

Racist.

[grunts]

♪ Who that is, ho? ♪

♪ That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy ♪

[Jen] So it's a consultation, which is free. Which is good.

And then an assessment and then a personalised treatment plan.

- [Martin] When's your consultation? - I haven't booked it yet.

[Martin chuckles]

What?

[Martin] You've always been a bit of a procrastinator, haven't you?

[chuckles] No, I'm not.

[Carrie] Oh, you absolutely are.

She had to book a smear test a few months ago, Martin,

and oh, my God. I had to book it for her in the end.

It was all clear, by the way. Thank God.

Carrie.

A bit of privacy, please?

[sighs]

[Martin] You know…

No, don't do a dad speech.

[Martin] Look, it's okay if you're scared. It's a big commitment.

I'm not scared. And I'm not a procrastinator, okay?

I'll book it as soon as I hang up. Promise.

[Martin] Love you.

Love you.

[phone beeps]

- [phone dings] - [Kash groans]

[grunts]

[whispering] It can wait.

[Kash] Mmm.

- [phone dinging] - [Carrie moaning]

[dinging continues]

[panting]

Stop thinking about your mission for two seconds, please.

[groans] But this is important. I can have sex with you any time.

No, do-don't you dare...

[panting]

Stop thinking about your mission for two seconds, please.

Of course. You know you're the most important thing to me.

[phone dings]

There's just so much to do.

Everyone keeps asking me questions about the mission tonight.

Didn't realise being a hero would have so much admin.

I would quite like to have sex with you right now.

I can do both. It's not like you need more than one hand anyway.

You get the ball rolling, and I'll jump in.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[singsongy] Housekeeping.

[chuckles] No, it's me. It's Carrie.

Why are you wearing a hazmat suit?

Oh, giving the flat a little spring clean. Thought I'd start from the top down.

- What? - You haven't come in a while.

How'd you know?

You throw yourself into housework when you're sexually frustrated.

Don't be silly. It's just a freshen up.

A mop, scrub, hoover, curtain steam, dust, maybe do a charity shop run.

What's this? It looks like junk.

It's hookup lost and found. It's mainly Luke's stuff.

If he hasn't texted me in a while, I find a sock under my bed,

and I have to return it. Oh, in fact…

[shutter clicks]

How much do you think it costs to hire a power washer for the day?

Oh, hey! Gordon. Oh, he'll see you right.

One touch and bam, orgasm sorted. I'll text you his address.

- No, that's basically cheating. - Just bash one out, then.

I've tried. I can't seem to get there.

Maybe there's something deeper going on then.

You know, the heart and the vag are very closely linked.

No, no, no, no, no. I just need to come, and then everything will be fine forever.

Is it time? Can we go? Is it time to go?

- Are you going out? - We're tracking down who Jizz used to be.

You shouldn't be going out until you've booked your consultation.

- Who says I haven't? - Have you?

- No. - [sighs] Promised your dad you would.

What's he gonna do, haunt me? I'll do it after we solve him.

We're going to his old owner's house.

I bet he'll have some great stories to tell.

[opera music playing]

Or not.

- [Jizzlord] That's me. - I see you were close.

"Hercule." What a dumb name.

Oh, Jizzlord, look.

Do you remember winning, um, "best mixed breed short-hair"?

Jen, I think I killed him.

[cup rattles]

- What? - I ran away,

and it bummed out his heart so hard he died.

- [chuckles] No, I don't think that... - Was I a bad pet?

No. You're great.

Look how many rosettes you won for your…

proud rump.

[dog barks]

[barking continues]

[barks]

Why are you staring at a dog?

That's not a dog. That's a demon.

[Jen] Oh, he's so cute.

- Hello. - [Jizzlord] No, he's not.

We hated each other.

I'd piss in his garden. He'd piss on my wall.

If anyone here knows anything about me, it's that thing.

We should take him to the vet. Make him talk.

I know you're still learning,

but it's generally frowned upon to steal a dog from a funeral.

Okay, that's out then.

Let's just go home and then do that thing you don't wanna do.

Run, run, run, run.

["I Fought The Law" playing]

♪ Breakin' rocks in the hot sun ♪

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

[dog barking]

He definitely does not like you.

I don't know where he's picked up the word "cuck,"

but he's using it quite a bit.

[Jizzlord grunts]

Ask him if he knows anything about Jizzlord's past.

Where he came from.

- He says he does know where he came from. - Where?

Homo island? That's not a real place, is it?

- No, yeah, it's obviously not. And yet… - Stop it!

- I hope you get put down. - Jizzlord!

He says he's going to put you down first and then steal your woman.

Hey, I'm on your side, you wee shit.

Oh, uh, he says he does actually have some genuine information,

but he wants something in return.

[barking]

A day out. He hates his owner. He wants to do what he wants.

- Tell him we'll do whatever he needs. - No!

We have to do this. By the end of today, you're not going to be Jizzlord anymore.

You could be Paul, or Matt, or some other white guy.

The sky's the limit.

[sighs] I wouldn't mind getting out for an afternoon.

Just gets a bit much sometimes.

It's their little screams. They never leave you.

Tito, what do you want to do?

Does anyone know what "king shit" is?

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

Thank you! I respect your choices!

I don't think I like this.

Me either!

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for higher grounds ♪

- [Kash] Do you need any help? - [woman screams]

[yelps] Oh, thanks a lot. This takes ages to clean up.

Oh, s-so sorry. I-I think I might have a tissue somewhere.

- Dickhead! - No.

You say you were helping people?

Uh, no. We're helping women, not people.

It's just I've locked myself out my flat.

We need to be available in case the women need us.

Like this young lady.

Fuck off.

[panting]

[sighs]

[grunts]

- [Jen snorts] - [Jizzlord] What is this?

Origin of the slang term "boner," which is pretty hilarious if you...

I like that.

[chuckles] Uh, none for me. Thanks, gang.

[Tito barking]

Okay, okay.

I've never done this before. I have to admit, I'm a little curious.

[snorts]

[screams, grunts]

- Ladies, please! - [Jizzlord] Guys, let's just...

[Dr Wenderburn] Tiffany, you have my LinkedIn! Find me!

I know my rights!

[person] Go away! Bye!

You're making a big mistake! I have really good credit rating!

- [Carl] Here we are. - Right, Ade. Your time to shine.

Phase through the wall and open the door from the other side.

- Uh, who? Who me? - Yeah. Do your thing.

Uh… [chuckles] C-Can I have a word, please, Kash?

- Mm-hmm. - Um…

So, my thing, it only works with my body. I can't take anything with me.

Okay.

So that means my clothes... I can't... I have... I...

[sighs]

I have to be nude,

and I'm not very comfortable with my body right now, to be honest.

- No one look, okay? - Don't worry. No one can see you.

[pants]

[grunting, groaning]

[pants, grunts]

[groaning]

[groaning continues]

[Ade] I'm stuck. I didn't think it would be this thick.

Just keep going.

[Ade] I'm trying, uh, but can you still see me?

Uh, yeah. A little bit.

[Ade] Is it my arse? Oh, my God, is it my arse?

[shutter clicks]

You can do this, Ade. Dig deep.

[Ade] I literally can't. I don't have the energy.

- I wonder if you clench and then wiggle… - Try changing the angle.

- You've gotta believe in yourself. - Push it.

- Like a little bit more to your right. - Grind it.

[Ade] I know when I'm stuck.

- [Gregor] Push! Push! - [Ade] Stop telling me I'm not stuck!

- Sure. - All right.

Kash, you stay with Ade until he gets his strength up.

The rest of you come with me. It's ladies' night at All Bar One.

I'm sure there will be plenty of targets there.

Wait, no!

But you're the leader. I'm sure you'd never leave a man behind.

Don't save anyone without me!

[Ade grunts] How about now? Still out?

Where next? Casino?

I've already blown through the money I set aside

for my laser eye surgery, but flip it.

- [Tito barks] - Oh, right.

He says you guys know how to party, and he's ready to tell you.

He used to run into you when you were a stray.

Always in the same alleyway, off Coburn Circus.

Must've been your territory. He says he hopes you find what you're looking for.

Thank you, Tito.

Thank you, Tito.

[chuckles]

Uh, he has one more request.

He's had enough of this human life.

He wants to be free like the wolves of old.

Free to roam and hunt. To feel cool earth and hot blood.

[Tito barking]

- [horn honks] - [tyres screeching]

- Uh… - [Tito whining]

I'll take him back to the surgery.

[knocking]

- Hello. - Hello.

I'm Jen's flat-mate. I just wanted to drop off this.

You left it behind when you and Jen...

When the incident occurred.

Oh, uh, well, thanks, I guess.

- Would you like to come in? - Yes.

[Gregor on radio] Alpha team, potential damsel-in-distress.

Look tipsy. No coat. Could be Geordie. Can't confirm.

Lady helpers, converge.

No, no, wait for me.

[Gregor] Ignore that. Converge.

No, wait for me. Hello?

[Gregor] Converge, converge!

Ade, mate, you'll be all right if I nip on, won't you?

[Ade] No. Don't leave me. Kash. Kash!

Anything coming back to you?

[scoffs] No.

I'm not ready to give up yet. Let's sit down, have a drink, regroup.

They've got a 6% blood orange IPA on tap.

What?

You know this pub.

What if it was your local when you were human?

And I'm really sorry to break this to you,

but I think you might have been a craft beer guy.

- Is that bad? - Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

[blues music playing]

Excuse me. Do you know this man?

Did he use to come in here at all? Do you know anything about him?

Uh, no, I don't, but the landlady is coming in soon.

She owns the place. She might know.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Just like that.

- [rattling] - [cup clinking]

- So does Jen ever mention me? - Can you make me come?

[sighs]

Do you have any idea how many people come to me with this exact problem?

It's just, my boyfriend's really busy,

and it feels like he doesn't have time for me.

That sounds like a general lack of intimacy in your relationship.

I can't really help you with that.

- [sobs] - Oh, God. Oh, God. Uh…

Don't cry. Um…

Okay, I'll... Yeah. I'll help. I'll help. Just please, just don't cry.

[Kash] Viper to alpha group. Update on location.

Alpha group? I know you can hear me!

[Seb] Kash... I mean Viper. Uh, we need you. We need backup.

Exeter Avenue. [whimpers] This is kicking off. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Yes.

♪ You are so cute nice face Yeah ♪

♪ We are so cute nice face Yeah ♪

♪ You are so cute nice face Yeah ♪

♪ We are so cute nice face Yeah ♪

[singing in Japanese]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[singing in Japanese]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Maybe you should wash your hands first.

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

[groans] Can't stand the waiting. I just wanna know.

You know, like, what did you do for a job?

I can't see you interacting with people or technology or heavy machinery.

What would you want it to be?

We're so close to finding out who you are.

Aren't you excited?

Yeah, I feel sick. Yeah.

Great. I'm going to the loo.

[clamouring, screaming]

- [person] Hey, hey, hey! - Get off!

- Kash. - What happened?

Turn back time. Undo!

So now you see why you need me, eh? Now you see why I'm in charge.

- Kash! - Oh, there's no rush. Chill out, mate.

[screaming continues]

["Freedom Now" playing]

[grunts]

I've never hit on your girlfriend, man. Have you seen her?

[horn honks]

- [grunts] - [screaming]

[grunting, screaming]

- Have you seen her? - [Kash] Seb, duck!

- [grunts] - [screaming]

- [horn honks] - [grunts]

[screaming]

- [screams] - [grunts]

[muffled groan]

[grunts]

[Gregor grunts]

- Kash... - Fuck off, Gregor. I know!

[Seb] Viper, we need backup. We need you. Exeter Avenue. This is kicking off.

[screams]

You!

Are you with them?

- Kash, help us! - Kash.

- Kash. Kash. - [Seb] Please.

- No, mate. Don't know 'em. - [Seb] Oh, my God.

[grunting, screaming]

[Randall] Just… Okay! All right. No, just...

- Kash! - [Seb] Kash, help us!

[phone vibrating]

All right, so how do you wanna do this? Firm handshake, or…

No. I can't. I'm sorry.

You're right. This is wrong. I'm a freak.

No. You have a gift. You can bring joy to people.

You invited me into your home, and you tried to help me. You're a hero.

Really?

[door opens, closes]

[knocking]

Are you the come man?

Yes, I am.

["True Love Will Find You in the End" playing]

♪ True love will find you in the end ♪

♪ You'll find out Just who was your friend ♪

♪ Don't be sad, I know you will ♪

♪ But don't give up until ♪

♪ True love finds you in the end ♪

♪ This is a promise with a catch ♪

♪ Only if you're looking Will it find you ♪

♪ 'Cause true love is searching too ♪

♪ But how can it recognise you Unless you step out into the light? ♪

♪ The light ♪

What the fuck? Why did you disappear?

You can't just abandon people like that.

[grunts] Oh, and it was a dead end, by the way.

'Cause I actually went to the bother of finding out.

You can't just make me give a shit about helping you and then quit.

Do you not care about finding out who you are?

What about me?

What if I want to know who this man is I've let live with me?

What if I don't like him?

Well, at least you'll know.

You can't keep putting it off just because it might not be the answer you want.

You're so smart.

I'm not.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll go to this clinic,

and nothing will change, and then I won't even have hope.

I'll just have me.

I don't like me.

I like you.

When you're not shouting at me.

It's when you're eating something you're not meant to.

You know, if I'm finding out, then you should too.

Let's find out how shit we are together.

[phone chimes]

[chuckles] Works every time.

Ooh.

Should get new ones cut. Looks like you live here now.

But you have to stop chewing charging cables.

Why do you put up with me?

Soft spot for strays.

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for… ♪

[locksmith] You go on any nice holidays recently?

[Ade] Yeah, Budapest.

Oh, yeah. Missus wants to go to Prague.

[Ade] Ah, but Prague's nice. They say Split's the same but cheaper.

Oh, yeah? I must check it out.

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi Reaching for higher grounds ♪