Original subtitles

(Dramatic instrumental music)

♪

(Text on screen)

(♪ Wild Enough ♪ by Cortese, Higgo, & Kitty)

♪ It was cold from the moment we met ♪

♪ You taste like danger ♪

♪ that first kiss I'll never forget ♪

♪ You bring out the shadows to play ♪

♪ They whispered run but it was too late ♪

♪ Cause I'm hooked on your love ♪

♪ Addicted to your touch ♪

♪ My friends say you're too much ♪

♪ Yeah I'm hooked on your love ♪

♪ Addicted to your touch ♪

♪ And I can't get enough ♪

♪ Wild enough ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Wild enough ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You're not the kind to stop and help ♪

♪ It's been hard to keep up with you lately ♪

♪ I try to find the dark ♪

(Liam): How's it goin' with the Pineapple Pals?

- Yeah, Shoresy, can I be a Kumquat Companion?

- Sure wish I had a Green Apple Amigo growing up.

- I'd love to be Cherry Chaps with ya.

- I know a young guy who could really use a Cranberry Comrade.

You and me coulda been Papaya Partners.

- Yeah, can girls be Mulberry Maids too or how does it work?

If my buddy wants in, should he wax his eyebrows now,

or can he do that later? - It's good to know if I really

wanna make a difference, I can join the Strawberry Sidekicks.

- I mean, someone's gotta teach 'em to exfoliate

before applying self-tanner, right?

- Think you'll ever find work as fulfilling

as being a Star Fruit Friend? - I won't lie to ya, Liam.

I'm having trouble finding something as fulfilling

as hockey. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, but your mom offered up a threesome with Cory's mom,

so I'll give it a try. I don't care,

I'll try anything right now. - Fuck you, Shoresy.

- Fuck you, Liam. I was really loving how affectionate

your mom was the other night 'til I realized

she was just wiping her Dorito hands on me.

(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy. (Shoresy): Fuck you, Cory.

Ask your mom why it feels like I'm pissing Vick's VapoRub.

I didn't sign up for this. Oh man, I can't believe it,

Liam, last night, I said no to sex,

and your mom called me a homophobic slur.

- Shut up. - Yeah, I was so mad

when I dropped her off, I didn't even wait to make sure

she got inside safely. (Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.

- Hey, Cor, did I tell ya I'm ghost writing

your mom's autobiography? It's called,

"How I went from a cold hard ten to a type two candidate."

(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam.

I thought I'd seen everything, but that was before

I saw your mom rip a fart off the bathtub floor

while having a sit-down shower. Oh, my God, Cory.

Your mom's so mean. When I told her she needs

to start speaking my love language,

she said, "that's the single gayest thing

I've ever heard in my life." (Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.

- Fuck you, Liam. I got in your mom's bed,

and she's such a fuckin' pig, there were two snails in there.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam.

Last night, your mom belched in my face.

I was so grossed out I couldn't even

make it to the toilet. Just gooned one into the sink.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Cory.

Your mom's mitt's so dank, it's got earwigs.

I thought it couldn't get any worse

than Liam's mom's bed bugs.

But your mom had a pubic hair so long,

I thought it was a centipede. - Shut the fuck up.

- Yeah, tell that to your mom, Liam.

The only time she shuts up

is when she's going to mouth town on my tush.

(whistle blowing) (Nat): Fuck you, Shoresy!

- Fer what? - For letting this

all go to shit! - Me?

- Yeah! - Huh?

(Ziig): Oh, my God.

- Fuck you, too! (women): Fer what?

- 'Cause you got us doin' so much shit,

I haven't gone tubing all week.

- I started the Blueberry Buddies program

under the assumption you would be leading it.

But oh no, Shoresy's on TV now.

He's under the bright lights. - Mm-hmm.

- He's on the big screen. - Look, I know this is supposed

to be serious, but if you keep

talking like that, I'm gonna laugh.

- This is life after hockey for you.

You're trying some new shit, and I'm here to support.

But while you're in the big city

getting your make-up done,

they're back here fucking up.

- Who? - The boys!

- And the b'ys. - The boy b'ys.

- What the fuck are you guys talking about?

- Let's start with the b'ys. (Shoresy): Huh?

- Which ones are they again? - Oh, my God.

- The Bulldogs. - Right.

(Shoresy): So dumb. - Know what the Bulldogs

are doing with their Blueberry Buddies?

- Skating the shit outta them.

- They're fucking their moms.

- Are they? (women): Yes!

- So?

- So, they're their moms.

- Are they ugly? - This just nose-dived so fast.

Nose-dove? - Wish I was doving into a tube.

- And the boys... - The Lakers.

- The ones propellering their dicks around.

- Helicoptering.

- Why don't you ask them what they wore to their

toxic masculinity seminar.

- Toxic masculinity seminar?

(mocks): Toxic masculinity seminar?

- Well, it can't be any worse

than the Blueberry Buddies shirts!

(Shoresy): All right, so everybody listen up here now.

Madison.

- Him? - Mason.

- What's your name again? - Jack.

- Short for Jackson. - Doesn't matter.

The shirts. - Our teammate Dubois

faked mental illness to get outta the conditioning skate,

so we wore the shirts to the toxic masculinity seminar

to call him out on it.

- Pfft.

- Yeah, let's start from the beginning here.

- If we're starting from the beginning,

what is toxic masculinity, should come before,

what is a toxic masculinity seminar.

(Shoresy): Michaels, control your guy.

(Michaels): Shut the fuck up, Caleb.

- Toxic masculinity is like cultural pressure

for men and boys to act tough and secure.

- All right. - No, that's not all right.

- Why don't you wanna act tough and secure?

- Because it leads to aggression and dominance.

And homophobia. (Bulldogs): Whoa!

- And homophobia? - Yeah.

- That escalated quickly, b'ys. - Toxic masculinity

is also rooted in anti-femininity.

(Goody): What's that mean? - He's not saying it right,

it's anti-feninimity.

- Anti-femininity.

- Anti-femiminity? - Anti-femininity.

- What's it mean? - Well, as it pertains

to toxic masculinity-- - Don't act like a girl.

- What do the b'ys do if they don't wanna be toxic, den?

- Act like a girl. - That's pretty much it.

- Is wearing matching shirts to the seminar not girly enough?

- It's what's on the shirts. - Carter's into clothing design.

- Okay, that's gotta be girly enough.

- Our buddy Dubois said that he had bad mental health

'cause he didn't wanna go to the skate,

but we all know he's fine. - How do you know he's fine?

- 'Cause he was tubin' on Long Lake with his girlfriend

while we were getting skated. - She's ugly, too.

- He's tubing. (Jack): Yeah, he put it on TikTok.

- So, I took the logo for the Lakers,

changed it to Fakers, and then we put his name on the back.

- Yeah, then we all wore the shirts

to the toxic masculinity seminar.

- Because we all know he's fine. - He's a diver.

- Who cares?

- This defiant act was deemed toxically masculine.

- At our toxic masculinity seminar.

- A few broads on the TikTok, too. All ugly.

- Yeah, but in fairness, we've all done it before.

- Done what, b'y? - What Dooby did

and cited poor mental health to get out of school, or work,

or other things we don't want to do.

- You can say mental health and get anything

you want, really. - Really?

- Got Dooby to the front of the line.

- That's fucked up. - We are human, after all.

- Okay, so they round you all up.

They say you're not being a guy right

because you're not being a girl enough?

- That's pretty much it.

- And none of your parents say

what the fuck's going on here?

- The denial of toxic masculinity

in itself is toxically masculine.

- Fuckin' Putin bomb us now, eh?

- With respect to those suffering from mental illness,

you could save yourself the helicopter

next time, Jackson. - Yeah, I know.

- Just say you're sad about something, like Dooby.

- Straight to the front of the line.

- Carter. - He's Carter.

- No, he isn't. - Yes, I am.

- What's your name again? (Ziig): Bad news.

- No. Only good news. Give me some good news.

- Corn's knee-high by the 4th of July.

- What's the bad news?

- The boys were out shit faced again.

- Where? - Everywhere.

- Including, but not limited to...

(Bulldogs cheer)

The Townehouse.

Wagonwheel Ranch.

And Northern Ontario Railroad Museum.

- For fuck sakes! - Whoa!

- I'd love if something went right this off-season.

- Key word, off-season.

- That's two words. - Hmm, that's one

hyphenated word. - What else can go wrong?

Our reputation is going to shit. - Arguably gone.

- The kids are choppering their dicks around.

- Helicoptering. - And the Blueberry Bulldogs

are banging their Blueberry Buddies' moms!

- Shh! - You want them to hear

you at Peppi Panini?

- You're right. Sorry.

This cannot get out.

(Britt): They're fucking the moms?

- Yeah.

- Yes. - The Blueberry Bulldogs

are fucking the mothers of their Blueberry Buddies?

- The use of profanity to make a point can be useful,

but we should be cautious not to overuse.

- Are you exclusive?

- Are you? - We've never had the chat. You?

- He's not my boyfriend, but I definitely wish

he wasn't banging somebody else.

Are you banging somebody else?

- Well, that's none of anybody's business.

- Are you?

- You?

- Only like, one guy.

- You're sure? - Yeah.

- Yes. - They're banging

their Blueberry Buddies' moms.

- Thanks for dropping the hard F there.

I appreciate it.

It's my hang-up, not yours. But still classy of you.

This one time in Grade 4... Actually, never mind.

- Let's go knocking. (knock on door)

- I made you. You're fucking nothing without me.

- What do you want?

- I wanna see how things work at BROdude.

Where's my lanyard? - What?

- My lanyard. - What's a lanyard?

- Every other TV-- - Huh?

- Every other TV studio gives you a lanyard.

- 'kay. - Shows what kinda rinky-dink

station you work for. - Uh-huh.

- You're straight Mickey Mouse. - Yep.

- Showing identification's important.

It's a courtesy to the security team.

- 'kay. - Wearing a lanyard's

the least you could do for those guys.

- All right. - It's the least you--

- Shut up. - Their job's stressful enough.

Know how hard those guys work? - No.

- Yeah, right. Don't expect ya

to think about the little guys. Grab me a coffee.

(Emma): Shoresy. Caffeinated?

- Not yet. - Grab me one, too.

- That's the boss. - Jory Jordan.

Sudbury Kids Sport Report. - Hi.

- Combined social media following of nearly 1,200.

Currently between agents. - Wants a lanyard.

- No, I don't. - Fine.

- I mean, sure. If you got one, I'll take it.

(Emma): Can we chat? - Hey, feel free to jam

right here. I'm like a fly on the wall.

- Yeah, last week was a real doozy.

Outta the frying pan and into the fire,

but you held your own in tough company.

You must be proud. - Don't care at all.

- Since last week was so heavy,

I thought we'd keep things light today. Just you and Anik.

- Show's called 3-on-1.

- It's just a name.

- No, you'll need a third man. Wouldn't make sense.

- Shoresy. - Who cares.

- I'm not known to appear on camera without a contract

in place, but you're in a real mess here.

I'll play ball. Where's the make-up girl?

- Who are you again? - Sudbury Talent Show

second runner-up 2018. I'll need the hair girl too.

- I'm not putting him on TV. - It's a web show.

Where's the wardrobe girl? - Shoresy.

- Who cares?

- Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BROdude Energy.

I'm your host Anik Archambault

with the guy you all know as Shoresy.

And joining us today is a young man you may not know.

(Jory): They will soon. - From the Sud--

(Jory): They will soon. (Shoresy): Let her talk.

- From the Sudbury Kids Sport Report, Jordan Jory.

(Jory sighs)

(Anik): What?

- It's Jory Jordan. - What?

- It's Jory Jordan. - No one cares.

(Anik): Oh. - Not much between the ears.

That's why they call her all-boobs Archambault.

- Hey. - Let's keep it movin'.

- Honest mistake. - Yeah, sure.

- Shut up. - My mom didn't give me

this fine name of Cornish origin so big boobs could bungle it.

- It's wrong on your lanyard, too.

- Ah, this is going great.

- Yeah, thanks to the fumbled intro

from Anik Archambimbo.

- All right, what are we doing? What are we talking about?

- Today we're gonna rate the drip.

- Rate the dip? - The drip.

- What's the drip?

- The fit, Shoresy. The clothing.

- Well, rate the dip is actually

a really good topic for hockey, but...

- You like a little lip dinger? - Just a big lip boomer.

- Today we're gonna rate the players pre-game style.

- Their what? - What they wear to the rink.

- Their clothes. (Anik): Their drip.

- Just stick with the preferred lingo.

It's a branding thing, you fuckin' idiot.

- We're gonna talk about their clothes?

(Anik): Oui, monsieur, and up first is--

- No. - No, what?

- Not doing it. - Don't fuck this up, asshole.

- I'm not doing it! - Come on, Shoresy.

We're in the content game. - We're a hockey show.

Why are we talking about clothes?

- The clo-- - Huh?

- The clothing of people who play sports.

- I don't wanna talk about clothes.

- You wanna get choked out

on the world wide web?

- I'm not gonna talk about clothes!

(Emma): Shoresy, fine! - So dumb.

- In TV land, you gotta move on the fly. We can still save the bit.

(Emma): Cut! - Quick bring in the wardrobe

girl who, for some reason, is a guy.

(Emma): We already cut. (bell rings)

(Jory): That was a disaster.

Let's get into some hard bar.

- How old are you? - Don't be a pussy.

At least the boss got to see a real host up there.

Gotta think the clock's tickin' for airhead Archambault.

- Yeah. - I harken back to the hundreds

of hours I've logged for these chops,

and she's up there eyeballin' it.

- At least you got your lanyard. - It's not even laminated.

- Shut up. - I've seen more

professionalism at a rub 'n tug. - I don't care.

- You don't care about what? - About any of it.

- Are you serious? - No.

- No, you're not serious? - No, I don't care

about any of it. - I would kill to be--

- I just finished playing senior whale shit hockey.

I ref beer league.

Why am I on TV arguing with Sean Avery?

- It's a web show. - Trying to be an expert

on women's hockey.

- You ever heard of Presley Norby?

- Now they got me talking about hockey player clothes.

- If you're seriously interested in

a "Rate The Dip" segment, I'll produce it.

We'll bootstrap it. - I don't care about

any of this.

- We'll put it in the maybe pile.

You must really miss playing right about now, eh?

(Mason): It's the last thing in the world I wanna

be doing right now.

- 34 degrees,

and we're going into the rink.

- Better change your attitude, Caleb.

- Big summer bag skate here, boys.

Big hot summer skate on deck here now!

- You see Maria Mercier's tubing on Ramsay?

- Maybe. - No, you're the only one

who checks her story every five minutes, ya fuckin' lurker.

- Tubing's so sick. - Didn't get the invite,

eh, Jackie? She probably found out

you don't shower after you exercise.

- That's a real possibility. - This sucks.

- This is where you check your attitude, Caleb.

At the door. (Shoresy): I feel bad for them.

- The game is changing.

It's about so many other things now.

- Yeah, like anti-fenimimity?

- Anti-femininity? (Shoresy): Huh?

- I don't know, like toxic masculinity

and all that other stuff.

- What other stuff? - Heteronormativity,

acts of othering. - Hetero... what's othering?

Never mind, don't say it.

I'm gonna blow my fuckin' head off.

- What did they preach when you were a kid?

- Don't hit from behind. - They used to just put

the Timbits jerseys on them

and let them go. - Shit's gotten weird.

- Just let the kids play. - Well, I don't know if

anybody wants to play in the middle of summer.

- Yeah, no, you'd rather talk about it on BROdude.

- I don't know if I would. - Oh?

- Doesn't scratch the itch.

- That's why you should coach, Shoresy.

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- You don't know how I'm wired.

- Oh, I think I know better than just about anybody.

- Like, to just stand there and watch the game.

Like, to see the play happening

and not have the option to react to it.

To know I have zero effect on the game whatsoever.

- TV is where you have zero effect on the game.

Why do you think you hate it?

With coaching, you're still boots on the ground.

You're right there. You can speak your reactions.

You can inspire. - I don't know if I can inspire.

- Give your balls a tug. - No, if it's not blades

under my feet, lumber in my hands.

- Coach with Sanger next season. - You don't listen to me!

And you work too much.

(♪ Never Ending Song of Love ♪ by Delaney & Bonnie)

♪ I've got a never ending love for you ♪

♪ From now on that's all I wanna do ♪

♪ From the first time we met I knew ♪

♪ I'd have a never ending love for you ♪

♪ I've got a never ending love for you ♪

♪ From now on that's all I wanna do ♪

♪ From the first time we met I knew ♪

♪ I'd have a never ending love for you ♪

♪ After all this time of being alone ♪

♪ We can love one another ♪

♪ Feel for each other ♪

♪ From now on ♪

♪ It's so good I can hardly stand it ♪

♪ Never ending love for you ♪

♪ From now on that's all I wanna do ♪

♪ From the first time we met I knew ♪

♪ I'd sing my never ending song of love for you ♪

(song stops abruptly)

- Were you in bed? (Laura): It's kinda late.

- Well, then, you shouldn't just be answering your door

all willy-nilly.

- I can see you on the doorbell camera.

- Does that record?

(both): Huh? - Yeah.

- You've for sure seen me

pick my nose out here.

- No, but I've seen you

snot rocket like some fuckin' bushman.

- That's disgusting. - What's up?

- Well, you know, I was just thinking about

how you told me I should hang out with the guys more,

and I was thinking it might be because...

(sighs)

...because you're scared.

- That's what you were just thinking?

- And I want you to know I get that. I'm scared.

Dammit, I'm scared, too, Laura. - What am I afraid of?

- That you can't stop yourself from bangin' me for a bit.

- I'd bang you right here if I wanted to.

- Oh, that's so hot. Even more 'cause I know

you're rollin' tape on it. - But you wanna know something?

- Fer sure. - I can go a long time

without bangin'. - You're such a broad

for saying that. - How are you doin' with it?

- Seriously? Like, so bad. - Give your balls a tug.

- What do I gotta do? - Run a marathon.

- I'll run you the best marathon you've ever seen.

- 'kay, go. - You've never seen

a marathon run so good.

- I can't even focus right now.

Your eyebrows are so fucked up. Did you cut them?

- BROdude did. - But after BROdude,

you didn't cut your eyebrows? - No.

- You didn't cut your eyebrows? - No.

- You didn't cut your eyebrows. - Well, fuckin' once.

- Okay, come in. I gotta fix this.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, sure you don't wanna take your shirt off again?

- Yup. - Walk up the stairs

seductively. Remember that? - Yup.

- All right, well you've definitely been more hospitable.

- I'm not wearing a bra. - You're making it worse!

- I don't think you're going back to BROdude.

- I don't know where to go.

- Go where you're needed.

- Doesn't scratch the itch.

- Well, you're done playing.

You can do anything you want. That's kind of exciting.

- I know what I wanna do. - I know.

That's what I like about you.

'kay. You're done.

Go hit the bar with the boys. I'm going to bed.

- Why do you wanna do this?

- I wanna see what you're made of.

(♪ Joy (A Place I Belong) ♪ by Joy Anonymous)

♪ I've been lost for a minute ♪

♪ Don't see it when you're in it ♪

♪ No ♪

Show me what you're made of.

♪ Well, hope has its beginning ♪

♪ When I see my people winning ♪

♪ Yeah, that's home ♪

(Shoresy): Get your shit off. Let's go.

- Where?

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Where I don't need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try ♪

♪ No need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try ♪

♪ Where I can be my... ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ ...Own ♪

♪ Don't need to try ♪

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ You can too, you can too ♪

♪ Where you don't need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ No need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ Where I can be my own ♪

♪ Don't need to try ♪

(Hitch): What're we drinkin' to, b'ys?

Summer in Sudvegas or what?

(Mason): To anything but hockey.

(Shoresy): Here we go now! (Michaels): All right.

- Yeah so, thanks for bringing me here and putting me on TV.

- It's a web show. - And for thinking

I'm so entertaining and likeable.

- Never said likeable.

- Come back anytime you're in the city.

- Door's always open.

♪ Where I belong and you call it home ♪

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ I found a place where I belong ♪

♪ You can too, you can too ♪

♪ Where you don't need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ No need to try ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ Where I can be my own ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

♪ You can too, you can too ♪

♪ Don't need to try Don't need to try ♪

- I'm haggard. - Worth it?

- Yeah. - Beats the cold-ass,

dry-ass rink. - I think I'm gonna kick back

for a while. - Summer in Sudvegas, baby.

- You're right. Too much hockey

is a good way to stop enjoying hockey.

- That's what's up.

But Ziig said that. (Ziig): Yo!

Yo! There's a fire to put out.

- The boys whirly-birding their dicks around again?

- Helicoptering. - No.

- Where are they drinking from the Cup this time?

- Including, but not limited to...

Sudbury Kartways.

The original Deluxe location.

And Canada's largest mural.

(Hitch): Bulldogs hockey!

(Miig laughs)

- What's happening with Weird Sudbury?

- Take a break. - A deal's a deal.

- They're barely holding up their end of it.

- Let's get that sorted,

then it's summer in Sudvegas. Home free.

- Good news about that, actually.

There's a prospect party that happens first.

- So weird. - Good and weird.

- And we're in. - Nice work, Ziig.

- Hmm. Wait, what's the bad news?

- The Jims have gone rogue.

(♪ Yes I Think ♪ by Kocham)

♪ Yes, I think I love him ♪

(♪)

Subtitling: difuze