All language subtitles for Dinner.for.Schmucks.2010.1080p.PMTP.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-PiRaTeS

♪ Day after day

♪ Alone on a hill

♪ The man with
the foolish grin ♪

♪ Is keeping perfectly still

♪ But nobody
wants to know him ♪

♪ They can see that
he's just a fool ♪

♪ And he never
gives an answer ♪

♪ But the fool on the hill

♪ Sees the sun going down

♪ And the eyes in his head

♪ See the world
spinning round ♪

♪ Well on the way

♪ Head in a cloud

♪ The man of
a thousand voices ♪

♪ Talking perfectly loud

♪ But nobody ever hears him

♪ Or the sound
he appears to make ♪

♪ And he never
seems to notice ♪

♪ But the fool on the hill

♪ Sees the sun going down

♪ And the eyes in his head

♪ See the world
spinning round ♪

♪ And nobody
seems to like him ♪

♪ They can tell
what he wants to do ♪

♪ And he never
shows his feelings ♪

♪ But the fool on the hill

♪ Sees the sun going down

♪ And the eyes in his head

♪ See the world
spinning round ♪

♪ Oh...

♪ round an' round
an' round ♪

♪ An' round an' round

♪ He never
listens to them ♪

♪ He knows that
they're the fools ♪

♪ They don't like him

♪ The fool on the hill

♪ Sees the sun going down

♪ And the eyes in his head

♪ See the world
spinning round... ♪

Poor Jacobson.

He took his stapler?
How pitiful is that?

Still, you got to hand it
to him... he went for it.

That was his big mistake.

Always stay in
the middle of the pack.

It's the frontrunners
who fall off the cliff.

At least Jacobson made
it up on the seventh floor.

It smells
like cabbage on this floor!

That's the smell of dead dreams.

I go to the clubs at night and
people are like, "Hey, who's
wearing the coleslaw?"

Do you know how hard it is to
get laid when you smell like
coleslaw?

Not hard, but still.

He had a pretty sweet office.

I wonder who's gonna get it?

You wonder who's gonna
get his office?

Jesus, Josh, why don't
you show a little class?

The guy just got fired.

- I'm gonna get that office.
- You'd better, Tim.

You need that job.
With that car you're driving
and that apartment?

You're overextended. These
opportunities don't come
along all the time.

Right now, the window's open
and if you hesitate, bam!

You're gonna be my assistant.
Assistant to an assistant.

You can't go lower.
It's a shitty job, Tim.

Do you think Julie's
gonna marry you then?

Don't mess this up.

- Good pep talk.
- All right. Go, team!

The whole reason we
bought the plant was to shut
the factory,

shed the workforce
and sell the equipment.

But now, it's all contaminated
with low-level radiation.

- Nobody wants to touch it.
- Americans are so
uptight about radiation.

They are. But the Russians are
a little less particular about
this sort of thing.

I like it. Get two bids.
Drive up the price.

- OK, that makes sense.
- On a different note,
you'll notice

that our colleague, Doug
Jacobson, has been relieved
of his duties.

Mr. Jacobson led us right
to the edge, playing around
in the currency markets.

As a consequence, tomorrow
morning, I want ten ideas
to make up for his mistakes.

- What are you doing?
- I have an idea.

An analyst...

has an idea.
OK, then.

Nice knowing you, buddy.

- Sixth floor, stepping up.
- Nice!

- Whoa!
- It's all right. It's dead.

It's manufactured by Mueller
Armaments, from Zurich,
Switzerland.

It's a company that made
a fortune during World War I.

Now they're sitting on a bunch
of bombs

that even the worst armies
in the world don't want.

All right, so we
cannibalize the company...

who's gonna buy the pieces?

Oh, no, we're not gonna
strip this one down.

Wow. Novelty lamps.
Great idea.

We could literally make
hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.

Who cares about lamps?

Martin Mueller does.

When Martin isn't busy running
his family's business into the
ground,

he's either yachting or
buying art for his castle.

The business is going under,
but his personal fortune is
vast.

Nearly half a billion.

I heard he was in town,
so I sent a prototype
over to his hotel.

He loved the lamps.

He wants to sit down.

The lamps are really just
a way to get our foot
in the door.

We're gonna lose money on them.

But we'll make millions
managing
his personal portfolio.

Mueller keeps his business.
We've got a brand new client.

- Everybody wins.
- Everybody wins.
That's a new one.

- Caldwell, you want to take
the lead on this?
- Absolutely.

I'll ride shotgun.

Actually, I was hoping
I couldtake the lead.

Oh...

Uh, let me think... no.

You should've quit
while you were ahead, buddy.

You know what they say...
tallest tree gets cut down first.

- That went well.
- - Mr. Conrad?

Have you got a second?

Come in!

You can just set your
bombs by the door.

You put on quite a show
in there. Sit down.

Oh, that looks good on him,
right?

Yep. Better than it did on
Jacobson. You're gonna need
a nicer watch.

Nicer watch, nicer suit.

Hey, to the ballsiest guy
on the sixth floor, huh?

Not gonna be on
the sixth floor for long.

Hm-hm.

Does that mean
this is my new office?

Not yet. No, I want to get
to know you a little better.

I host a dinner once a month.

- Next one's on Saturday.
- Great, OK.

And it's top secret.
You can't tell anyone.

What are we talking
about here? Orgy?

Is it a human sacrifice
of some kind?

We're... collectors.

I'll let the guys fill you in.

Some people collect
vintage automobiles.

Some people collect
fine wines.
Fender collects people.

- People?
- Yeah.

Each of us finds
a remarkable person

and invites them
to dinner at Fender's.

We call it the
Dinner for Winners.

Here's the guy that
I invited last year.

There you go. Look at that.

The guy designed that suit.
Real-life Iron Man.

- He took first prize.
- He's an idiot.

- You got it.
- You invite idiots to dinner
and make fun of them?

- Hm-hm.
- That's... messed up.

- I know, right?
- It's completely messed up.

At the end of the night,
Fender picks the best one,
gives him a trophy

and we release him out in
the wild, none the wiser.

Yeah. No harm, no foul.
Hey, you're gonna do great.

Just, uh, have
a little subtlety when
you pick your guy.

Fender's a connoisseur.

Yeah. Hey, and no mimes.
It's a cliché.

Jacobson brought a mime.

Exactly. And you don't see
his shit here, anymore,
do you?

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Congratulations.
- So how did it go?
What happened today?

Oh, I'll tell you later.
Look at this crowd!

I know, it's amazing.
We actually sold
every painting.

That's incredible!
Oh, my God!

Except that I did another one
of my name-fiasco thingies.

- Oh, God. What happened?
- The director of the San
Francisco MoMA is here.

His name is Steve Doche.

And I thought that it
was pronounced "Douche."

God. It's like the Ron Fuchs
episode all over again.

It actually kind of
loosened things up.

And... he's giving Kieran
a solo show and he wants me
to curate it.

Oh, my God!

You know, that is so like you!
You call a guy a douche

and get your first
museum show out of it.

You're amazing.
I love you so much.

You're stunning and you're
smart and you're just awful
with pronunciation.

- Hey!
- I'm not Fuching around here.

Marry me.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

But remember when
you asked me before,

and I said this is a big step

- maybe we should
just wait a little bit?
- Yeah?

- That was two days ago.
- I know. I know.

I just need
a little bit of time.

All right.
I'll ask you in two hours.

Let's go.

Wow, it's packed.

So, where's the artiste?

I always try and create
some tension in my work.

Once a reviewer said
of a certain piece of mine,

they said, "I think
that's disgusting."

I said, "Good! I want it
to disgust you."

Sometimes I'll be working on
a piece and I'll think,
"No, this is bullshit."

So I will literally rub bull
excrement on the piece as a
meta... metaphor.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Julie.

Kieran, you remember Tim?

- The stockbroker.
- No. No.

I, uh, I work for a
private equity firm

that specializes
in distressed assets.

- So kind of a stockbroker.
- Almost nothing like a
stockbroker.

Do you mind if I just call you
stockbroker? That's the way I
remember people.

You're stockbroker Tim.

Hey, so what do you think?

Oh! Really... tremendous work.

They're so big.
And you're in all of them.

Come with me, Tim.

- Enjoy.
- Hm-hm.

I have a little ranch...
I say little.

It's absolutely massive
if you actually measure...

outside town, where I go
to disappear, get away from
this bullshit.

One of my zebras was in labor.
It was a messy business.

The foal was in breech.
At about the 22nd hour,

I just said, "Stuff it".

And I just thrust my hand in,
turned the little guy around.

- Wow.
- Do you have any idea
what it's like

to be up to your elbow...
in a zebra's vagina?

And feel life?
New life, fresh life.

- No, I don't.
- You should try it, Tim.
It's magical.

Yeah, I'm OK.

She let me keep the afterbirth
to create this piece.

Oh, wow, that's disgusting.
I don't think I get it,
Kieran.

Poppycock. You've been
stockbroking too long, Tim.

Oh, wow.

What does it make you think of?

I guess it kind of
makes me, um...

think of your penis.

Then you get it.

Julie gets it.

Hi, I need you to talk
to a buyer. This way.

See you in a bit.

Do you know what it's like

to have your entire head
inside its anus?

Julie? Poppycock.

OK, so you're just completely
immune
to his animal magnetism?

He looks good in a pair
of hooves. What can I say?

So, you gonna tell me what
happened today?

I think I might've
gotten that promotion.

Really? Oh, my God,
that's amazing.

- Well...
- When? When do you start?

All right, well, it's not
official yet.
It's not official.

- There's this dinner.
- Good. When is it?

- It's, uh, Saturday.
- OK. We can do that.

No, it's not really
a girlfriend type thing.

It's really the guys from
the office.

And we have to bring a person.

What do you mean, "a person?"

Uh, a person with a skill
or a talent of some kind.

Are you talking
about strippers, here?
'Cause I'm not...

Oh, no, no.
Nothing like that. No.

We have to, uh, bring an idiot
to dinner to make fun of them.

- OK, that is messed up.
- I know.

- I know.
- So you told them you're
not going.

Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.

Tell Fender that
I can't make the dinner.

Tell him that my back thing is
acting up and I have to stay
in bed for a few days.

Why don't I just tell him
you're having your period?

Tim, I can't stay
on this floor anymore.

These people are pathetic!

Happy Birthday, Carol.

Why can't you just suck it up,

make fun of some idiots and
stop thinking about yourself
for once?

Susana, I know this is painful
for you,

but sometimes in life
you have
to do the right thing.

Just lie. It's not that hard.
I'm texting a lie right now!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

- Is that a Porsche?
- Yeah.

Oh, wow. I have been hit
by a Datsun before.

- Never a Porsche.
- Oh, man...

- Barry Speck.
- Tim Conrad.

Are you sure you're OK?
I didn't see you. What were
you doing?

Oh, well, I saw this little
guy in the street and was
trying to save him.

- Uh... I think it's dead.
- Yes, that's why he couldn't
run away.

A couple more seconds,
you would've squished him.

Nice pelt, though.

Ready?

Uh, I hope those aren't
for your lawyer.

No. I would rather
not have lawyers get involved.

All right, I get it.

You said you were fine, but...

What would it take
to keep the lawyers out?

Five.

- Oh.
- Five dollars.

I don't...
What do you mean?

- Ten dollars.
- Seriously, what?
Come on.

How much do you want?

- 100 dollars.
- I don't want anything.

- 500 dollars.
- I don't... It's OK.

- All right...
- As long as you're OK,
then...

Ten thousand!

OK, I'll take
ten thousand dollars.

I don't have ten
thousand dollars.

You know what?
Don't worry about it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

As long as you're OK.

- Oh, you're a good person.
- Nah, it's all right.

- Oh...
- - Get out of the road!

You are.
You're a good person.

- Thank you.
- No, you are. You're a
really nice person.

- All right, well, as long as
you're OK, that's OK.
- Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah. You take care.

I won't forget this.

- Oh, you dropped your...
- Oh, yeah. That's my latest
series.

I know. Mousterpieces.
Get it?

- That's the Mona Lisa.
- That's the Mouse-a-Lisa.

- Mouse-a-Lisa...
- There they are.

Found her on the 405.
From here down, she was
a mess,

but the head, perfect.

Oh, that's Cubism.
Not as easy as it looks.

Well, it doesn't look easy.

I like her. I love the tail.

- Check that out.
You like them?
- I'm speechless.

Hm... So is he.

'Cause he's screaming.

I was stopping by the store
today to get some pelt wax
and spine wire.

You know, wanted to fill the
guys in on what I've been
up to.

Oh, hey, you know what? I have
some in the flesh. Want to see
'em?

Where did they...?
Oh! Come here!

Come here!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Don't look!

OK...

- All right...
- Can I look?

Hold on, hold on, hold on...

Go ahead.

Wow. Incredible.

Does that guy look
sort of familiar?

I'll give you a hint.
He wrote the Bible.

- Is it Jesus?
- Yes!

- You know your stuff!
- Amazing.

Yeah. Well, it's a hobby.
I like to think that...

I'm sort of giving them
a second chance, you know?

In the words of John Lennon,

"You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not"

"The only one"

The only what?

No, that's the lyric.

"You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one"

Oh... OK, Tim.

You know, Barry, this was
a very strange way to meet,

but I think everything
happens for a reason.

Whoa, whoa.
Did you make that up?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

"Everything happens for
a reason." I like that.

Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow
night, I'm having dinner with
some friends.

Are you? That's incredible.
Congratulations.

I was wondering,
would you like to join us?

- You shitting me?
- No.

Say that your girlfriend
thinks meat is murder

and she convinces you
to become a vegetarian.

Then one day, you're grilling
up a veggie burger, when
all of a sudden,

a chicken comes up, plucks
itself, covers itself in
barbecue sauce

and flings itself on the grill.

That's God
sending a message, right?

Yeah, that chicken wants to die.

No. God wants us
to move to the seventh floor.

And He sent His
only son to tell me.

Come with me, my children,
to the seventh floor.

Tim! I'd like you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Mueller.

Of course! What a pleasure
it is to meet you.

Mr. Conrad!
You sent the lamp to my hotel.

- That's... yeah!
- I wished to meet you
in person.

Yes, Tim was really helpful
when we came up with the idea
for the lamps.

And we'd been
discussing personal investment
as well.

That's a conversation I'm
very much looking forward
to getting back to.

- Well, I'm glad we could
do this.
- Yeah.

Congratulations on
your new Matisse.

- It's beautiful.
- Oh!

My wife is a true collector.
It was quite a bidding war.

Well, to the victor
go the spoils.

You know my family crest.
Our motto continues
to inspire.

- Ad Victorem Spolias.
- Fantastic.

- Well, shall we?
- Ah...

Join us.

So you follow the art world,
Mr. Conrad?

I try to. My girlfriend runs
the Cronin Gallery downtown.

I would love to meet her.
We must have brunch tomorrow.

They can speak about beauty.
We can speak about business.

Sounds perfect.

I'll have
my assistant make
the arrangements.

OK, what the hell just
happened? This guy's supposed
to be my client.

- You're still just an
analyst...
- No, no, this is better.

I didn't know it was going
to be a double date.

Tim's the only one here who
isn't divorced or dating
a hooker.

Wh...?

This guy wants to
invest $100 million.

Don't mess it up.
We need this.

Well, the sixth floor steps up.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Hey, rooting for you, buddy.

Good luck.

My girlfriend's not a hooker.

She tried to give me a BJ.

If she didn't ask for money,
then she's not a hooker,
is she?

She asked me for money.
It wasn't that expensive,
either.

I still had a ton of singles
left over from your sister's
birthday party.

Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?

- Oh, hey, honey.
- Hey!

Glad you're still here.
Look, don't make plans
tomorrow morning.

Why?

How'd you like to have
brunch with a fascinating
Swiss couple?

- OK.
- She's an art collector
and he's got a lot of money.

- I need you. This is huge.
- Oh, it's huge?

- Hm...
- Really huge.

- What's this?
- Hm?

What is this?

Oh, uh... that's a...

it's a mouse dressed like Jesus.

- Hm-hm.
- This guy I ran into today,
he makes them.

He's amazing. He's some
kind of artisan.

Really?
Are you doing that dinner?

No.

Wha...
Hey, come on.

No, not when you're lying to me.

- Julie, Fender invited me.
- So?

Fender, as in Fender Financial?

The you I know
would have just said no.

The me that you know did say no.

But the me you don't know
had to say yes.

- The you I don't know?
- Yes.

Look, there's you
and the me that you know.

And we love each other
and we have a wonderful life.

But then there's the me
that you don't know.

The me you don't know has to
do things sometimes
so that you

and the me that you know can
live in this nice apartment,

and eat at nice restaurants
and go to Cabo for Christmas.

- He takes care of us.
- You know what?

There should not be
any you I don't know.

But there is.
You might not like him.

I don't like him.
I hate him! But we need him.

- It's like the CIA.
- The CIA?

Hm-hm. The CIA does some
pretty funky, nasty stuff
in the shadows,

but I, for one,
am glad they're there.

The CIA doesn't
invite people to dinner

- to make fun of them.
- No. The CIA kills people.

And I'm getting raked over
the coals because of a little
dinner.

Can I just ask you something?

Is there any you I don't know
who isn't completely full of
shit?

I'd love to talk
to him right now.

Julie, come on. Julie!

Julie!

Julie, where are you going?

I... I have to go meet Kieran
and talk about San Francisco.

Julie, please come out
of the elevator.

All right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'll call him and tell
him the dinner's off.

- I want to believe you.
- You can believe me.

I'll never see that guy
in my life.

I promise.

Oh, my...
Let's talk later.

- In a few hours. I think we
need to cool off.
- What?

- Gosh, I hate when that
happens.
- We'll talk in a bit, OK?

- Just give ourselves
a moment...
- Ah!

I feel like I'm in The Shining.

Ow!

You are welcome.

Oh, God. My back,
my back, my back.

Is it your back?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I went to the
address you gave me.

Nobody was there.

Are we having
this dinner or not?

Ow...
OK, just... slow.

Shh...

All right.

- What are you doing?
- I'm applying heat.

Barry, please stop doing that.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I'm gonna fix your back.

- Barry, stop!
- I am a trained taxidermist.

- And I am alive.
- Wow. You are tight.

- Oh, God!
- OK...

Wow, look at that face!

- Stop it!
- OK, all right.

I hope this
doesn't mess up dinner.

We're not having dinner tonight.

- It's tomorrow.
- I don't think so, Tim.

Barry, I made the plans.

I know when it is.

- I'm pretty sure
it's tonight.
- It's not tonight.

OK. All right. I guess one
of us got confused.

Great. She left
her phone here.

You know what they say:
everything happens
for a reason.

You said that.

You know what, Barry?

I am really, really looking
forward to our dinner tomorrow
night.

But right now, I'd appreciate
it if you just left.

And the reason is...?

Because I got in
a fight with my girlfriend

and because I'd like
to be here alone when
she comes back, OK?

What if she doesn't come back?

She's coming back.

Hey, we are gonna
get through this together.

I think I know someone who
might make you feel better.

Remember this guy
from the street? This is you.

Barry, that was a dead mouse
in the road

a few hours ago. Please get
it away from my face.

It's like looking in
a mirror, isn't it?

You feel better?

- It's amazing.
- Are you cheered up?

Barry, I have a
back brace in my bedroom.

If you could just help me
get off this couch...

- Sure.
- I want to do this
very slowly and carefully.

- Hm-hm.
- On the count of...

Three!

- All you.
- All right.

- Now, I... If I could just...
- Nuhhh!

You can do it. You got it!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, Tim!

- You got this! I'll help!
- No, no, no! I have it.

- All right.
- I'm good.

Tim, you look good!

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Computer.

Oh, my God!
You gave her my address?!

She's very concerned about you.

Barry, this woman
is a nightmare.

She's been stalking me
for three years!

I slept with her one night,
biggest mistake of my life.

It was before I even met Julie.

- Why did you do that?
- Because it was New Years
and I was drunk

and she was wearing
these fishnet stockings.

You want me to
tell her not to come?

Go. Go.

Come to dinner tomorrow and
that's it. Let's go. Move!

Come on! Go, go!

Oh, my God, what have you done?

I'm gonna make it up to you.

OK!

OK!

Oh, well, well, well.

If it isn't little
miss panty bottom.

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- I am a friend of Tim's.

- Yeah, I don't know you.
- Oh, you don't?

So you know
everything about Tim?

You are the world's greatest
expert on all things Tim?

Did Tim invite you
to a dinner tomorrow night?

According to him,
it is tomorrow night, yes.

Right. You want my advice?

- Don't go.
- OK, may I give you
some advice, too?

Do not wear fishnets
on New Year's Eve.

It's too cold. When the wind
blows, you gotta go with the
hose.

You know what?
I really need to...

Now, Darla, Darla, come on...

- Darla?
- Yes. He told me
all about you.

Really? What did
Tim tell you about me?

Told me about the sex.

The sex?

The dirty, dirty sex.

But he lives with
a woman named Julie

and if she comes home
and finds you, that, that...

You can imagine
how she would feel.

Yeah, I imagine
she'd be pretty pissed off.

I gotta nip this in the bud.

- You gotta move along.
- You tell your friend,
Tim, he can, uh...

You tell him he can kiss my ass.

- Oh, don't have to.
- We have a picture.

Problem solved. I intercepted
your stalker in the hallway.

- Wh... Darla showed up?
- Hm-hm.

- And you got her to leave?
- Oh, I don't think you're
ever gonna see her again.

Wow! Who is that?

Kieran Vollard.
He's an artist.

Very attractive man.
He can fit a whole octopus
in his mouth.

Sort of an animal magnetism
about him.

That's what Julie says.

"For Julie. Thanks for
everything. Kieran."

Everything?

Yeah, she curated his show.

Hm... Bet that's
not all she curated.

I don't know what that means,
Barry.

Well, I don't know
what curated means.

Where is she?

Working.

Probably with Kieran.

Where?

- In his bed?
- I seriously doubt they're
working in his bed.

Well, if they're not working,
why are they in his bed?

Oh, Tim, you need to call
Kieran's house and see if
she's there.

- I'm not doing that.
- It's the only way you're
gonna know for sure.

- I'm not calling.
- I'm telling you...

No, I'm not gonna call Kieran
and say I don't know where
Julie is.

- Do it. Do it.
- No. No.

- All right, I will.
- What reason could you
possibly have for calling him?

I want to make
a movie about his life.

I want to make a documentary.
I gain his confidence

and then he starts feeling
more relaxed about talking
to me.

He's really opening up to me.

We're talking about his
sex life and then...

Julie's name pops up
and we've got it on tape!

- Yeah.
- He's been curated!

Well, that sounds like
a bullet-proof plan.

What's his number?

- 1-1-1... 1-1...
- Hold on.

OK. Go.

- 1-1-1...
- Um-hm. Got that.

- 1-1...
- Hm-hm...

- 1-1.
- OK.

He must've changed his number.
I'm just getting
a weird sound.

Uh. Ah, well. We tried.

There he is. Kieran Vollard.
I got him.

Don't! Don't!

- I'm serious. Don't call him.
- It's ringing...

Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone!

I'm gonna do an accent.

Don't do an accent.
Hang up the phone.

Hello?

Hello!
How are you?

This is Nigel!

- I'm a documentary filmmaker
from London... England.
- Hang up!

May I speak to Kieran Vollard,
please?

This is Kieran.

Ah, Kieran.

I want to make a
documentary about your life.

.Start
the water, I'll be right in.

Yeah, I could d o an interview.

Smashing! Champagne wishes
and caviar dreams!

I will have my man-servant
contact you with the details.

That's sounded
like Julie's laugh.

She might've been there!

- I'm going over there.
- No, Tim!

- Ow!
- You can't drive
in this condition.

Clutch!

Oh, God, use the clu...

You can't just shift. You need
to use the clutch, Barry.

Oh, God.

OK, hold on.
I'll get it.

No, no, no, no...

- OK.
- I got it.

Oh...

She's gotta be in there.

Just need to get her attention.

Hoo! Hoo!

- Those were my car keys,
weren't they?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, God.

Here we go.
Let's do this thing.

Barry! Barry, just...

Just get the keys and come back!

Barry!

I am inside the apartment.

I know. I want you
out of the apartment.

Get the keys and
let's get out of here!

Oh, Tim, I wish you could see
this place! It's amazing!

I thought you had a
great apartment... This...

This, my friend...
Oh, my God!

He's friends
with Morgan Freeman.

Please get the hell
out of there.

He's coming!

Ooh! Eeh! Ah! Ooh! Rrr!

- Cat got the Tim mouse!
- - Forget about the mouse!

Come on!

Get the keys
and get out of there!

Forget the mouse!

Thank you.

Hey! He's OK!

Hide! Hide!

Kieran, I'm ready.

Barry!

Barry!

Julie's here.

Oh, yes...

Sounds like
they're having intercourse.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm having trouble describing
what I'm looking at.

Fly, fly...

Yes! Primordial...

Hello.

- Who are you?
- Um...

Monique, Christina, this is Tim.

He's a stockbroker,
or something like that.

- Tim, can I help you?
- No, no, no. Sorry, I...

I'm Nigel Nigel!

I'm here doing a documentary!

You can stop that now, Barry.

My name's not Barry! So, what
have you done with Julie?

Tim... has Julie left you?

Oh, Tim. I was always very
attracted to Julie and I
still am.

You must be broken.
She's a wonderful creature.

- Stop...
- I have to say, though, Tim,
I'm not surprised.

Really?

There's not a lot of monogamy
in the animal kingdom.

Not many animals mate
for life. Penguins do.

I've spent a lot of time with
penguins, and they're really
cool.

And maybe you're a penguin,
Tim, but Julie's
not a penguin.

She's a lioness. Don't try to
mate a lioness with a penguin.

Ever. Have you ever seen
a mammal and a bird mate?

I've never even heard of that.

Is that right?
You gonna try and tame her?

'Cause I don't
think you're her type.

Maybe. But I have something.

Something that women respond to.

That's true. Julie and I
have been saying that.

- Tim doesn't
get it.
- He's right.

Listen to your friend.

Am I gonna make love with
Christina and Monique tonight?

Hell, yes! Guilty.
You caught me out. Yeah.

But only because
it's part of my process.

Your "process"?

There are two things
in this world...

Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...

and death.

Horrible, boring death.

Now, I'm gonna go off and have
some sex with these girls.

Before I die.

Go ahead.

If you guys wanna join,
that's cool.

But don't look at me
in the eye. It puts me off.

- What?
- OK, you're not into it.
That's cool.

Good to see ya, Tim. Thanks
for visiting.
Great to meet you.

I wanna grow a beard.

I know you're set on a
documentary,
but hear me out...

Charlize Theron plays Julie.
Kieran plays himself.

I don't know. It is
something to think about.

Three, two, one...

Ow!

- Oh, my God.
- Hm-hm.

Oh, my God!
How did you do that?

A human back and a rodent back
are eerily similar.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, go.

- What about dinner?
- It's tomorrow, Barry.

Tomorrow.

That's interesting.

You say you're over Darla and
yet you have a picture of her
in your apartment.

How does Julie feel about that?

That is Julie.

Hm?

Barry, is that the woman
you talked to in the hallway?

Hm...

Well...

Well...

She has the same face.

I'll get the door.

Where's Tim?

- Oh, God.
- Well, well.

You blew it with Julie.

Just like you blew it with me.

Poor little Timmy.

You missed your chance.

And you'll never have me again.

- Let's go.
- Oh!
You're hurting me.

- I'm not... Oh, stop it.
- Ow! Please,
stop hurting me.

- I'm not even touching you.
- Why do we keep doing this?

Huh? You know, some day,
I'm really gonna leave you.

Ugh...

All right, go, go!
Get out of my house,
right now!

Ow! Ah! Ow!

- You're very cruel, Tim.
- Oh!

- Hello.
- Who's your friend?

Barry, his name's Barry.

Wanna watch while I screw
Barry's brains out?

I can honestly
say no to that one.

Oh, really?

So, do you guys wanna get pizza?

Wanna lick cheese
off my naked body?

Oh, I'm sure Tim has plates.

- Hello?
- - Hey, who's Darla?

I just met your friend earlier.

He told me some pretty
interesting things

- about this woman.
- What did he say?

Oh, I don't know. He spoke
about...

Oh, wow, you're
like a friendly dog.

- Talked about sex...
- What?

- What exactly did he say?
- Can you just tell me?
Are you cheating on me?

It's not a difficult
question to answer!

- Hello? Are you cheating
- On me?
- She put it in her pants.

.Tim! I don't know why it's
so hard for you to answer...

Julie! You're crazy to think
that I'm cheating on you!

That's insane!
Where are you? Where are you?

- Julie!
- Oh, I think I hung up.

- You have no right!
- Ow!

No right? Huh?
Barry, we're gonna be a while.

- You crazy bitch.
- All right, I'll be here.

Hey, Tim?
Tim?

- Tim?
- Oh, God...

Tim? Timmy Tim?

What do you say?
Should we drive him crazy,
huh?

OK!

I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!

You look a little old
to be a schoolgirl.

I need to be punished.

- Hey, Naomi, how you doing?
- It's Tim.

I'm wondering if you've
heard from Julie.

Don't you wanna
be my schoolteacher?

I'm really not qualified.
I work for the IRS.

- No, no, no...
- Not tonight.

- No, all the time. I work...
- - OK, OK.

You work for the IRS
and I have been very...

very bad.

Have you heard from Julie,
by chance?

- No?
- and I need to be spanked!
Now!

Well, that's really
not the way it works.

You probably just have to pay
the difference, plus interest.

OK, I...

- I need you to spank me real hard.
- - I'm looking for Julie.

Spank me hard, Barry!

- Barry!
- Uh, no, no. That's the TV.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

Ooh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

Oh, Barry!

If she gets in touch with you,
please tell her to call me.

It's an emergency.

You're like some crazy animal
all over...

- I wanna be a penguin!
- I like to eat penguins.

- Hope you don't catch me.
- Penguins are very slow.

Except I'm Turbo Penguin!

Come here...
I'm gonna catch you...

Did you hurt your knee?

That's funny. You are
a bad little penguin.

Don't get me!

Come here!

Oh!

Ooh...

Oh! Ooh...

- You're gonna die.
- No, I'm not.

Oh, God.

God!

Uh-oh.

Barry?

Tim?
Call me! OK?

This was so much fun!
I love you!

Forever!

And ever...

Barry!

Barry.

Works every time.

If you are attacked,
you should always play dead.

People don't want to punch
something that's dead.

- It's instinctual.
- She's gone?

Yes, she is.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we had a little
bit of a ruckus.

Oh, my God!

That your phone?

Julie's!

Kieran.

.Hey, listen,
when you get up there,

let the horse into the pasture.

.She loves to run around
in the grass.

.Grab a bottle of wine,
make yourself a fire,

.stay as long as you want.
This is gonna be good
for you.

- She's going to his ranch.
- Oh, my God.

- That's code.
- What?

It's code, Tim. You should
watch Law & Order.

Horse is heroin.
Grass is marijuana.

The horse likes
to run around on the grass.

The heroin likes to
run around on the marijuana.

Wine. Alcohol.

Like beer. Or wine.

Oh, man, they are planning
one hell of a party.

It's gonna be wild up there.

I think that you need to get
out of my house in the next...
30 seconds,

before I beat you to death
with the chair that you're
sitting in.

- What?
- You have to go.
I want you to go.

Who's gonna help you with Julie?

Who's gonna help me with Julie?

You didn't really just say
that, did you?

Because of you, Julie thinks
I'm having an affair and she's
on her way to Kieran's ranch!

- Whatever you do,
don't help me with Julie!
- Whoa! Whoa!

We should go there
and we should explain
the whole mix-up.

I don't know where it is.
It's unlisted! He goes there
to disappear!

Please, please,
I'm begging you!
Go, leave, go!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Wait.
Tim, Tim!

I work at the Canoga
Processing Center.

It's only the second-largest
IRS processing center on the
west coast.

And you're telling
me this now because...?

If Kieran has a ranch, we can
find the address from his tax
return.

And if he's up there sleeping
with Julie, that's not
business-related.

He can't deduct that.

You can get me his tax returns?

No.

But I know somebody who can.

There it is. The mother ship.

- It looks deserted.
- No, no, no. He's in
there. My boss never sleeps.

Be careful around this guy.

- He can tell
what you're thinking.
- What are you talking about?

Don't look him in the eye.
Don't think
any embarrassing thoughts.

Just keep your mind blank.

Therman? I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine, Tim Conrad.

Uh... Hi.

I could use some
help and Barry says you're
just the man for the job.

Have a seat.

I did an audit on a Steven
Conrad two years ago.

Any relation?

- Uh, where does he live?
- Bayside State Prison.

- He's doing seven years.
- Oh.

Are you hiding something,
Mr. Conrad?

What is it you do for a living?

Don't ask.
He makes money.

Nobody knows where
it comes from, though.

Shall we take a look
at his return, Barry?

Hm.

Guys, I think we're
getting a little
off track here.

- I'm in a bit of a rush.
- That's him.

Gu... Bar... Guys, I don't
have much time, so...

Mr. Conrad...

Men lie to me
a thousand times a day.

And my job is to find
the truth. Right, Barry?

- Hm.
- I've studied the human mind.

I've learned how to read it
and ultimately control it.

This is fascinating.
I can't wait to read it.

- Uh...
- It's $14.99 on my website.

- OK.
- Plus shipping and handling.

- Even if I buy it here?
- It's shipped from somewhere
else, isn't it?

And I've been handling it.

Uh, could you just tell
Therman why we're here?

We are looking for an address
of a nondeductible vacation
property.

You are looking for
someone or something.

That's exactly right.
Tim is looking for
his girlfriend.

She ran off with an artist.
They are probably sleeping
together.

- Oh, God...
- Your girlfriend has left you.

- Tim, he can see right
through you.
- You also just told him that.

Are you still skeptical,
Mr. Conrad?

Watch this.
Barry...

What is he doing?

He's making me do something.
What is he making me do?

You're not doing
anything, Barry.

That's right, Barry.
You're not doing anything.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm paralyzed. Oh, God.

God can't hear you, Barry.

- Tim?
- Tim can't hear you, Barry.

No, actually, I can hear him.

My body's a prison.

Oh! This is so painful.

I can't move, Tim.

Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.

All right, you know what,
Barry? Just move.
You can do it. Just move.

I release you.

Wow. OK, I will
never take movement
for granted, ever again.

Well, I was wrong. Apparently,
his brain really
is your puppet.

I need an address.

- Can you help me, please?
- Perhaps. For a price.

How much?

I just need to hear Barry say,
"You can eat my pudding."

Hm-hm. No.

Barry, I can make you say it.

But with your own free will,
say, "You can eat my pudding."

I'm not gonna say it.

Barry, I'm gonna eat it, anyway!

But I want you to say,
"You can eat my pudding!"

Barry, I will give you a
thousand dollars if you
say it, right now.

A thousand dollars?

Barry, your friend
is a high roller.

- You are hiding something.
- Wait a minute. No, wait...

Um, uh... Can we just
stick to the issue at hand?

Oh... You almost had me.
But you cannot declare
offshore investment losses

against future capital gains.
Any child knows that.

I'll have to ask my
accountant about that.

Uh...

Mr. Conrad...

you, my friend...
are being audited.

No, no, no.

Call the 800 number.

I release you.

Hey, Tim?

I guess you just have to
remember what the wise man
once said...

"Everything happens
for a reason."

- You know who said that?
- Shut up, Barry.

- You did.
You're the wise man.
- Don't talk.

Don't say a word.
Don't move your lips.

Oh, my God. It's Martha.
It's my ex-wife.

There's my magic man.

Ooh...

- Look at you. OK.
- Get in the car, Pudding.

I used to call her Pudding.

Look, why don't we just each
go home, we'll get some sleep,

and I'll see you tomorrow
at the dinner.

OK. Oh...

I think I left my bus
pass at your apartment.

- I'll drive you home.
- OK.

Oh! I left my keys
at your apartment, too.

That's OK. You know what?
I'll just sleep here.
I have a cubicle.

- I can pull two chairs
together.
- It's all right.

- Get in the car.
- I can fashion them
into a bed.

They... Well, they sort
of roll apart in the middle,
so...

- Barry, Barry...
- you sag.

- You can stay with me.
- Don't worry about me.

- I insist.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- I won't cramp your style?

- It's already cramped.
- OK.

Wow.

- What are you doing?
- You're gonna propose
to her?

I have, a few times.

Why do you carry this around?

In case she changes her mind.

- Please don't go through
my pockets.
- OK.

Hey, Tim?

The first night alone
is always the hardest.

I can sleep in there
with you if you want.

- No, thank you.
- Hey, Just don't think about
the fact you can't sleep.

Because then you're sunk.
Then you just start thinking,
"Wow, what's going on?"

Your mind starts reeling.
"Where's Julie?

Oh, she's with Kieran.

Is he a better lover than I am?

Yes, he is."

Don't think about that.

Get those thoughts
out of your head.

- Why are you putting on
aftershave?
- Oh, force of habit.

When I was married, I used to
stay up late working
on my mice,

and Martha hated the
smell of formaldehyde.

You can smell
them both, Barry.
Two layers of bad smell.

That's exactly what
Martha used to say.

Good night.

Tim?

- Tim?
- What, Barry?

I can't sleep. I'm too
excited about dinner.

- Oh, God!
- What are you gonna wear?

Should I rent a tux?
Or is that too formal?

Here's the thing: it's always
better to be overdressed than
underdressed, right?

Thanks, Tim!
That's great!

Oh, he ate it!
He's eating paper!

No...

I'll be back in a few hours.

Don't play with the stove.

Don't do anything
with electricity.

Do you understand?

Sometimes I think
you think I'm an idiot.

Just stay in the chair.
Promise me.

I will. I will stay in the
chair. Why is this brunch
so important?

Because the future
of my career depends on it.

It's a very important
potential client.

I can help.

- You want to help me?
Stay in the chair.
- OK.

I'll pick you up for dinner.
All right?

- You gonna stay
in that chair?
- Yes.

That's it.

- Hello?
- - You got everything you need for brunch?

- Hm-hm.
- OK, you got me working
Saturday,

so I'm billing you
overtime for this.

You're going to
Madison Restaurant, 10am.

Don't be late. They're Swiss.

And make sure Julie's there.

- They're dying to meet her.
- OK, Julie'll be there.

Tim?

Tim!

Tim?

Tim? Tim!

Tim!

Hi, Tim?
We switched phones.

I need to talk to you.
Julie has to go
to that brunch! OK.

Oh!

Hi, Tim, me again. I just
realized you can't get my
messages.

My password is P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D.

OK.

Oh, God!

You can't get that message,
either! Why am I...?!

- This way, sir.
- Thank you.

We feared that some
disaster had befallen you.

- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- And where is...?

Julie sends her regrets.
She dropped a box on her foot

- and broke a distal phalange.
- Please wish her a swift
recovery.

I had hoped for another woman
to lend some poetry.

I understood from my husband
I would not have to suffer
another business conversation.

What was it Baudelaire said?

"Misunderstanding makes
the world go 'round."

I see we will
have poetry after all.

It is rare to find an American
businessman with a sense of
culture.

Hm.

♪ I you like pina coladas
.And getting caught
in the rain ♪

♪ If you're not into yoga...

Tim! It's me again!
Barry! Disregard all previous
messages!

I figured it out!
Help is on the way! Bye!

Obviously, many of the
strategies are complex.

I imagine you have several
questions.

I am a simple man,
Mr. Conrad.

My father left me with very
little, except for all of
his money.

The world is full of people
who want to separate
me from it.

Why should I trust you
with $100 million?

A very fair question.

Now, you're obviously
very civilized people.

But unfortunately, the world
of finance is a brutal place.

The good hunters win.
The bad hunters lose.

I am a very good hunter.

- You are refreshingly honest,
Mr. Conrad.
- I try to be.

I hope we can do business
together.

A call for you, sir.

I'm so sorry.
Excuse me. Hello?

I got your back, Tim.
Can you hear me?

- Hello?
- - Hello!

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello?

Hello. Hello.

Hello. My name
is Tim's brother,
Barry, and this is Julie.

Tim, look. I brought Julie.

Hi, my love.
Oh, I have missed you so.

Um, you...

You know... Your phalange.
You shouldn't be here.

Nonsense.
She is the picture of health.

Please. Sit. Sit, sit.

Thank you.

- Birgit Mueller.
- Such a pleasure.

- Martin Mueller, delighted.
- Such a pleasure.

And I am Barry. Delightful.

I am so pleased you could join
us. I always say you
do not know a man

until you meet his partner
in love.

I couldn't agree more. I would
love to go over some of these
main points.

- Where are
you from?!
- We are from Switzerland.

We're gonna focus on business.

Switzerland!
I love Switzerland.

It's one of my favorite
countries. I love your army
knives with the toothpicks.

And your cheese.
Does the cheese come out
of the cow with the holes?

Our countries are not enemies.
They are friends.

- We are friends.
- You have been
to Switzerland?

No, but I have a friend
who drives a Volvo.

And I speak a
little of your language.

That's my brother.
Always joking.

Oh!
It's a jokey joke, ja?

Uh, you know, we should
continue this conversation
back in my office.

But I have not received
my salmon.

Or my green salad.

So...

do you and Julie have
wedding bells in your future?

That's kind of a sore topic.
He keeps asking her,
but she keeps saying no.

Ask me again.

No, it's not the right time.

If a woman asks you
to propose,
it is the right time.

Ah... Really, I can't.

- Why not?
- Do it. Do it!

- I don't have a ring.
- Yeah, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do. It's in your
pocket.

- Come on. You know
you have it...
- Barry...

- Told ya.
- Ah... You are a hunter,
Mr. Conrad.

There is nothing is more
honorable than for a man

to join himself to
his lady love.

Join yourself to her.
In the name of love.

Join yourself in the name
of love.

You must kneel, Mr. Conrad.
She is a princess.

Thank you.

Something's happening!

- Julie...
- Call me Darla.

- Oh, I don't want
to call you Darla.
- Julie's just a nickname.

- I want it to be real.
- Look into her eyes.

Look, look.

There is your home.
There is your future.

I love you, Tim.

Do it, do it, do it!!!

Do it!

- Julie.
- Darla.

Darla.
Will you marry me?

- Yes. Yes!
- Yay.

We did it.

- Julie.
- I thought this was Julie.

- Nope. I'm Julie.
- - They are both Julie.

Julie and Julie.

Susana thought you were
gonna lose your promotion

if I didn't show up today.

Look at you. You had a
replacement all lined up.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no.

- This is a huge
misunderstanding.
- Let me explain.

This is Darla. She's a naughty
schoolgirl who cheats on her
taxes.

I didn't know whether you
were gonna come today,

so I brought Darla to keep
things running smoothly.

Very important potential client.

That clears that up.
Yeah. Thank you.

Darling, you're embarrassing
yourself. It's over.

She's really quite a catch,
Tim. Congratulations.

- No! Julie...
- Nice to have met you.

- He's very crafty.
- Julie! Julie!

I'm so sorry. I hope we can
continue this at a later date,

- but, actually, I love her.
- - Wait, Tim?

- Julie!
- Tim?

Julie!
Julie, look...

Wait, wait, I know that looked
awkward, but you've
gotta trust me.

- Trust you?
- Yes. I trust you.

I know you spent the night at
Kieran's ranch. I know nothing
happened.

- Right?
- I didn't go to Kieran's
ranch last night.

- I'm going now.
- No! Don't go! Don't go!

Tim, I have to go.
It's my job. We're going
to San Francisco this weekend

to set up for the show.
He wants me to be part
of his artistic process.

His artistic process...
That means sex, Julie.

He told me last night
when I broke into his house!

- You broke into his house?
- Hm?

My God. I guess there really
is a you I don't know.

It's too bad. I was so
in love with the other one.

- Hop in.
- Move.

OK.

Tim, Tim...

Ow!

Oh, wow.

Ah!

Play dead!

I don't think you're
a very nice person, Tim.

Just stay out of my life.
And I'm keeping the ring.

I think that
was really good for her.

Ah!

See? It works.

I can't help but think
this is partially my fault.

Really?!
Well, it is your fault! It's
100 percent your fault!

I'm sorry.

Hello, Therman. You win.

You can eat my pudding.

31 Lighthill Drive.
OK, Therman.

I don't even know
who he is anymore.

It's like I'm having a bad
dream. I mean, am I crazy?

Am I completely delusional,
here? I don't even know what's
going on anymore.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
be unloading this.

I want to photograph
you right now.

Uh...

I don't think it's the
best time right now, really.

It is exactly the best time.
I've never seen you like this.

You're so raw, so wonderfully
visible. So beautiful.

This is weird, Kieran.
I don't think...

Not doing this would be weird.

Keep talking.
Tell me about Tim.

I don't know. I mean,
I just...

I just always thought that
there was this decent...

basic person underneath it all.

You'd think that you
would know someone after two
years.

But, no. That's bad.

He's such a smooth
talker. So convincing.

I don't know if anything
he's ever said to me is true.

These pictures
are gonna be amazing.

Kieran, you've lost your mind!

- This is crazy! No!
- Don't fight it. It's art.

I don't want to take pictures.
Can we just stop it?

What are you doing here?

Julie, there's something
I need to tell you.

- Kieran has gonorrhea.
- No, I don't.

- You might.
- I don't.

- Well, she does. She has
gonorrhea.
- What?

- Don't sleep with her.
- She doesn't.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Because you can get it from
riding the bus.
- No, you can't.

Yes, you can, Tim.
That's how my wife got it.

Barry, no one
here has gonorrhea.

I do.

I have gonorrhea.

I got gonorrhea from my wife,
who got it from a bus seat.

And no one should sleep with me.

OK.

Could I speak with
Julie alone, please?

- Tim, tell her what's in your
heart and be honest with her.
- Yeah.

That's what I did with Martha
and that did not work.

- But I think this'll work
for you.
- OK. Thank you. All right.

Have you ever
just spent five months

living with a herd
of goats, as one of them?

- No?
- No.

That surprises me.

The thing about a goat is, it
never denies itself what it's
hungry for.

A goat will eat anything.
A goat could probably
eat a bike.

- A goat could eat itself,
if it was driven to it.
- Hm.

I'm just a goat...

who's halfway through
eating itself.

Just to be clear, what exactly
are we talking about?

Everything.

I had no idea. It happened one
night three years ago, before
we met.

- I haven't seen her since.
- So she just popped back up
into your life, like that?

She tried to get in touch with
me and Barry intercepted the
message.

- So it's all Barry's fault?
- Barry is a sweet guy...

but he is a tornado
of destruction.

The only friends
he has are dead mice,

and that's 'cause they're the
only ones that can't get away
from him.

You know what else
mice can't do?

They can't lie.

Barry. Barry!

I'm gonna go
to San Francisco tonight.

And, uh... I'll come
by to pack around eight.

I think it's better
if you're not there.

I never really knew what
Martha thought of me

until I heard her
talking behind my back.

You were lying to me the whole
time. You didn't like me.

"How do I get ahead
in business?
How do I get ahead?

Oh, I know...

I'll find a great taxidermist
and hit him with my car.

And then I'll invite him
to dinner. That'll do it."

Well, somebody forgot to tell
you there
is no "me" in "mean."

Well...

there is a
bit of a happy ending.

'Cause the mean guy finally
got what he deserved.

World's smallest violin
and it's playing just for you.

- Sorry.
- What?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, OK. Whatever.

- Hello?
- - Tim!

I heard you had an
interesting brunch
this morning.

- Sir, I can explain.
- You might want to explain it
- to Mr. Mueller.

You should have
told me Barry was your fool.

We have the
same game in Switzerland.

Dinner for Unterschlagen.

I am very much looking forward

to seeing the two of you
this evening, Mr. Conrad.

Where are you?
Dinner's about to start.

There's been a complication.

Tim, for chrissake,
we're running on fumes.

If we don't make this deal
tonight, there is no Fender
Financial.

So, hurry up.
We gotta land Mueller tonight.

My guy's a lock. You know what
I'm saying? Mueller's gonna
love him.

- Now, he might be a little
late. He's on his way, but...
- Tim!

Sir, I've run into
a little bit of a problem.

Never mind that. You know,
ever since I invited you to
this thing,

Caldwell's been
telling me I made a mistake.

He says you're
not cut out for it.

- Really?
- Caldwell is full of shit.

Mueller told me your guy
was good. I had no idea
he was this good.

Well, I try to
look at the bright side.

You could say I'm an
eternal optometrist.

When life gives you lemons,
you make lemonade.

Unless you don't have
any water or sugar.

And then, then you
just eat the lemons.

The rind will give
you diarrhea.
So, mama mia, papa pia,

baby got the diarr...
Hey, Tim!

Ah, Mr. Conrad! You have
been missing all the fun.

Barry, uh, you're here.

Yes, and I have been telling
Sir Lancelot that you deserve
a promotion.

And he's been making
a pretty persuasive case, Tim.

Tim, I'd like
to introduce my friend, Lewis,

- and his wife, Diane.
- Your wife?

For now.

- Honey, please.
- Honey, please.

You're so pathetic!

My God, it's raining men. I
don't know who's
more gorgeous.

Well, beauty's only skin deep.

Unless there's something wrong
with your bone structure.
And then...

you could have flawless
skin and still be very ugly.

Because your bones
are just... gross.

Lewis, Diane, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

I think you're drunk.

Not drunk enough to do you.

Tim, when you said this was
a dinner
for extraordinary people,

I had no idea.
Look at that.

Are you hungry?
He hasn't eaten a lot today.

Come on.

- Yes?
- Ugh.

OK... her.
You know what she does?

She communicates with dead pets.

Lorenzo's mother
wants to talk to him.

Right? Nice?

OK, that guy? Right there?
2002 National Beard Champion.

I'm telling you,
these people are amazing.

- I am so not in their league.
- Barry, what are you...

- Why are you here?
- Because that's what
friends do.

I know, I know. You chose
some words carelessly.

I know you are
in a dark place,
but I also know

that you need
to show your boss that you
are friends with a winner.

In my book,
you're a winner, too.

Ladies and gentlemen!
Dinner is served.

The eyes are but two
of the five senses.

Remove them and the others
become incredibly sensitive.

But some people still ask...

how can a blind man compete
at the Olympic Games
as fencer?

I will show you how.

Oh!

Absolutely tremendous!

- All right!
- Are you enjoying this?

Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh
at the misfortune of others.

Are they cute
when they're small,

or are they pretty much
horrible the whole time?

- Are you looking down
my dress?
- No.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

- Tim, were you?
- No.

- Please don't embarrass me.
- I'm not doing... Oh, God.

Here you go, sir.

Here you are,
ma'am. Bon appetite.

I am receiving a message
from the other side!

I'm trapped.

Where are they taking me?

She's talking to the lobster.

The water, it...

boils!

That might win.
That might win.

Whoo!

Ah, fuck it. I don't care.

So, Tim... I understand your
guest has
an interesting hobby.

I guess I'm up. Wish me luck.

This is something that I call
the Tower of Dreamers.

A thousand years ago, the only
people on Earth were monkeys.

And they said,
"We'll never walk erectus.

We'll never use tools.
We'll never talk."

And then one monkey said:
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm talking
right now."

That monkey... was a dreamer.

- Mice dressed as monkeys.
- Yes.

- Good.
- Oh, my God.

Fast-forward 500 years.

The Wright Brothers decide
to make themselves a flying
machine.

"You fools! You idiots!

What's your problem?"
everyone shouted.

"That will never work because
plywood weighs more than air!"

To which the Wright Brothers
responded:

"No, it doesn't."

The Wright Brothers
were dreamers.

The Earl of Sandwich
and Sir Francis Bacon.

Had it not been for them,
the BLT would merely
be lettuce and tomato.

They were dreamers.
And sandwich makers.

- Ja.
- It's not over yet.

Vincent van Gogh.

Everyone told him,
"You only have one ear.

You cannot be a great artist."

And you know what he said?
"I can't hear you."

Vincent van Gogh was a dreamer.

- I love to paint.
- Oh, really?

- I love to paint.
- Oh, wow. Are you any good?

- I don't know.
- Of course not.

Louis Pasteur turned
cheese into medicine.

Benjamin Franklin.

People said, "You can't
fly a kite in a rainstorm."

And Ben Franklin said,
"Yes, you can...

if you have
an electric kite."

Little detail with the kite.
That's good, ja?

A man who broke more bones...

than any man in history:

Evel Knievel.

It's fantastic.

Well played, rookie.
Well played.

And who might this
handsome young lad be?

Tim Conrad.

He believes that someday
he will marry the girl
of his dreams,

even though every time
he asks, she says no.

And even though, as we speak,
she is probably having sex

with a handsome artist.

Tim Conrad... is a dreamer.

So dare to dream.
Dream your wildest dreams.

You can climb
the highest mountain.

You can drown in a teacup,
if you find
a big enough teacup.

And if somebody tells you
that you can't do something...

you say, "Yes, I can.

'Cause I'm doing
it right now!"

Bravo!

Bravo, sir!

You must come to Switzerland.
You'll be the toast of Zurich!

I can't understand your accent!

Caldwell.
This guy's taking it.

The night is young.

Gentlemen, ladies, I'd like
to introduce you
to Mr. Therman Murch,

IRS auditor and master
of mind control.

Therman?

Sorry for my tardiness.

Mr. Murch came by
the office last night.

Shame to hear about
that audit, Tim.

Anything I can do to help,
I'm here for you.

Barry, what are you doing here?

Hm... I dunno.

- You two know each other?
- Yes. We work together.

I'm gonna have to get
the address of that office.

Therman was telling me
about some of his

techniques for mind control,
and I gotta say, I was pretty
blown away.

- Wow.
- - Ah.

Yes. The brain has pressure
points, just like any other
muscle.

Apply those pressure points...

and the brain will
obey your every command.

Allow me to demonstrate.
Barry!

- Barry.
- Hm...

Look into my eyes, Barry.

Barry!

Where is your wife, Barry?

Tell us. Where is she?

Come on, Barry, tell us.

- Your house?
- Yes.

Let me just get this straight,
Barry. Your wife left you for
him?

She has extraordinary taste
in men.

And tell us, Barry...
why did your wife leave you?

Hm...

- Spit it out of your mouth.
- No.

- Say it!
- No.

Say it, boy!

I lost her clitoris.

- That's right.
- Hm. You lost her clitoris?

She got mad because
I couldn't find it.

Well, you know.

I said, "It's probably
in your purse,"

because nine times out of ten
when she loses something,

that's where they end up.

Barry, do you even
know what that is?

I don't know what half
the stuff in her purse is.

Well, don't worry, Barry.
I found it.

It was in her purse.

It was in her naughty purse.

Well, I mean, thank God
somebody found it, right?

I thought I found it
under the couch.

Turns out it was just an
old piece of chewing gum.

I release you!

Ladies and gentlemen,
mind control.

Bravo.

Bravo! Bravo!

That was sweet.

Barry, you're better than him.
Martha may not see it,
but I do.

Thanks. Thank you, Tim.
You're a good friend.

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

I'm not. Barry, this...
Aw, man, this...

This dinner isn't
what you think it is.

- What?
- We invited you all here
to make fun of you.

So you invite a bunch of
incredibly talented people

to dinner and make fun of them?

No.
It's a dinner for idiots.

Well, you'd better
go find some idiots.

We do.

I'm sorry.
Really, I'm so sorry.

If it's any consolation,
Therman will probably
win first prize.

He'll have that, too.

And he'll be able to lord it
over me for the rest
of my life.

Barry, first prize
is the biggest idiot.

I know. That guy beats me
at everything. He just...

I don't know, what's the use?
He has mind control, I don't.

Barry, look at me.

Therman has mind control,
but you...

- you have brain control.
- Brain control?

- Hm-hm.
- What...?

- You didn't know
you had brain control?
- No.

I knew it the second I met you.

You crawled in my brain
and you stayed there.

- I did?
- You did.

And I can't get rid of you,
no matter how hard I try.

You burrowed your way into
my brain, through my ear,
like an earwig!

- I didn't mean to.
- It's like you set up camp

- and I can't get you out
of my head!
- I'm an earwig?

It's like teeth and spikes
and...

all your... spilling out
millions of earwig eggs all
in my brain!

- I can't do anything
about it!
- Oh, my God!

Brain control beats
mind control any day
of the week!

Because the brain tells
the mind what to do!

You can beat this guy.
You can beat this guy, Barry.

Barry, you can beat Therman.

"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

"But I'm not the only one"

I'm going to go
lay eggs in his brain.

- Back for more, Barry?
- Yes! I am, Therman.

Only this time, I brought
my secret weapon... my brain.

- What are you talking about?
- He's talking about brain
control.

Brain control?

There ain't no such thing
as brain control.

There is mind control.
Brain control is ridiculous.

That's ridiculous.

Yes, it's ridiculous.

- That's ridiculous.
- Barry.

Barry.

- Barry.
- Barry.

- Barry.
- Barry.

- Barry.
- Barry.

- What are you doing?
- - Oh, my God.

- It works.
- How are you doing that?

I am making you say
everything that I say.

Yeah, but I'm saying it first.

- Are you?
- Yes!

Really?

I am very, very powerful.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh!

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, no!

Ah!

Best dinner ever.

You have no secrets from me.

Oh, contrary. You have no
secrets from me, Therman.

I know that after sex, you
like to curl up in the fecal
position.

You cry like a little baby.

- Martha told you.
- No, she did not.

I know that you take a Magic
Marker and you draw a face on
your penis.

Is that against the law?
I don't think so.

And you put a little hat on it
and you call it Sammy.

Nobody is supposed to know that.

- And you sing to it.
- You keep your mouth shut!

That's... That's not
100 percent true.

I know everything! I have
laid eggs inside
of your brain.

Get them out of my head!

You are no longer in control
of me! I control you!

And you are under my power.
I know
everything, Therman.

And I release you.

Barry! Barry!

Yeah!

I hope you have all
kept your receipts,

because you will all be audited.

He slept with Martha
at my house!

I was under the bed
the whole time. What an idiot!

Right? I know!

We have a little
tradition here at this dinner.

We give an award to the
evening's most extraordinary
person.

Tonight's winner is the
most extraordinary person

I have ever met. Our winner:

Barry!

Yeah!

Wow. Wow!

- We did it!
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- I look forward to working
with you, Mr. Conrad.

Tim, Tim, you did it.
Your guy is amazing.

Mueller loves him.

He is amazing.

- I thought you did such
a great job.
- You're the winner?

- I am, yeah!
- Whatever.

And he deserves a hell
of a lot better than this.

- They all do.
- What do you mean, exactly?

Any of you would throw
me under the bus for
a bigger bonus.

And Barry would throw himself
in front of a car to save a
mouse...

even though it was already dead.

I have been trying
to play on your team.

Barry doesn't deserve
that trophy. I do.

Hold on a second. Tim, I won
this trophy fair and square.

Barry, you don't
want that trophy.

- I've never won a
trophy before.
- Yeah, I know, but...

- You know what?
Keep the trophy.
- OK.

I'm sorry.
What's going on here?

Well, these people invited us
here to make fun of us.

This is a contest
for the biggest idiot.

Which I nailed!

Wait, wait, wait...

- You told him?
- I did.

It seems this contest was fixed.

I thought you conducted
yourselves honorably.

No, we do. We do.

We do. Tim had a very
bright future here,

but for some reason,
he's chosen to throw his lot
in with the losers.

Excuse me? I think I must not
have heard correctly. Did he
call us losers?

- He did.
- You insult my honor at great
risk. I will be leaving.

Count yourself lucky
I have spared your life.

Yeah!

- Marco!
- Oh, God.

So it is a fight
you want, is it?

Well, you shall have your fight.

But on my terms.

In a world of complete
darkness, the sighted
are blind...

but the blind can see.

Oh, God.

Welcome...

to my world.

I am invisible.
Where am I?

- He's good.
- I am a shadow...

with a big knife!

- Ho!
- Simmer down!

I can smell your fear!

I think he's gonna kill someone.

Hey, no! Not the boys!

This has become a fiasco!

Wait a second...
the Swedish guy who thinks he's a German!

He's an idiot, too!
Mueller! Whoo!

- This is what you've been
up to all along!
- No! No!

- You brought me here to
make fun with me!
- No...

I can assure you.
I am no Unterschlagen!

No, no! Lorenzo, no!

- Somebody, grab that bird!
- I got it...

No, no, no!

It is my wife's favorite
finger! Please get
it back now!

Williams, get the bird!
Somebody kill the bird!

- They're going to kill
my bird!
- It's not his time!

- It's over there!
- Don't hurt him!

- Get the bird!
- Parry right, thrust left!

You want the bird?
You have to kill me first!

Fight like a blind man!
Kick him
in the business center!

Right here.

- Oh!
- - There's a fire!

- Oh, come on!
- Grab the vulture!

Somebody, just let
the bird out! Please!
Just let him out!

Wait, I have an idea.

Let Lorenzo out!

You, stop! Don't move
or I'm gonna kill you.

Allow me.

There it is!

Nice!

Wanna?

Great dinner!
Let's go get Julie!

Mein finger!

Don't you die on me!

Julie!

- Julie?
- Julie?

Julie?

Tim.

There's a way to read that
that's actually positive.

How? How is that positive,
Barry?

"Tim, have a ni..."

"Hey, Tim, ha..."

"Have a nice life."

- This is my fault, isn't it?
- It's not. It's my fault.

I'm the reason this happened.
Not you.

I messed up.
Want to hear
something pathetic?

God, yeah.

You know why I wanted
that promotion?

So that Julie would think that
I was good enough for her.

So stupid. I couldn't believe
someone so amazing

would want anything to do with
me. I tried to impress her...

with stuff she doesn't care
about, I don't care about.

You know what
I care about? Her.

And what else?

Waking up next
to her every day, seeing
her every day.

And more things?

She's the greatest thing in my
life and I blew it. God,
I'm an idiot.

What are you doing?

Did you know I was listening?

- No.
- I did. I did.

I... I thought you'd gone.

I left my phone.

Julie... I'm...

Julie?

We should hurry if we're
gonna catch that plane.

- Um... Kieran...
- Julie, I will handle this.

Kieran...
since the dawn
of ancient times,

men and women have striven
to find the perfect mate.

And once in a while,
a couple will meet

and spark a passion
that is so powerful,

a thousand armies
could not pull them apart.

That is what
you have with Julie.

But Tim got there first.

And if Julie leaves,
it will kill him.

People can die of broken hearts.

I know. It almost
happened to me.

And because of that...
you may see Julie no more.

You may talk to Julie no more.

You may look upon
Julie's face... no more.

OK, but we work together, so...

What part of "no more"
do you not understand?

We had a talk, Kieran and I,

and he understands it's
purely professional.

- There is professional
no more.
- He's right, Julie.

If we start this fire...
we'll burn this world
to ashes.

What are you talking about?

If you start this fire...

- Burn it to ashes.
- Burn this world to ashes.

- There goes my museum show.
- Welcome to my world.

- Yeah.
- Julie...

I love you. I don't care
if we get married.

I'll stop asking.

Don't stop asking.

You are a wise man, my friend.

As are you.

Au revoir, Julie.
Au revoir, Tim.

Au revoir, Kieran.

Be kind to your birds
and your goats!

♪ Well on the way ♪

♪ Head in a cloud

♪ The man of
a thousand voices ♪

♪ Talking perfectly loud

We're gonna be
so happy together!

♪ But nobody ever hears him

♪ Or the sound
he appears to make... ♪

.I guess things
really do happen
for a reason.

.Tim lost his job, but the
two of us remain
best friends.

.And once a month, I invite
him to a gathering I host.

.It's called
the Breakfast of Champions.

Kieran and I became friends.

He asked me to collaborate
with .him and we showed our
work all over the world...

including South Africa.

And guess who came to see us?

Morgan Freeman.

Tim went on to help Martin
Mueller convert his munitions
factory

into the Martin Mueller
Museum of Modern Art...

or mmmmm-aahhh.

.Kieran and I collaborated on
a sculpture for the opening.

I met up with Darla again.
Boy, does she like role
playing.

She had me play detective
and she left all of these
clues.

And you know what?
I found it.

Therman wrote a new book.

And it is very popular
in some circles.

I guess it's true
what they say...

"A mind is a terrible thing."

Oh, yeah, as for Tim and
Julie... Well, Julie finally
said yes.

They went to Paris
for the honeymoon.

I waited around to surprise
them, but it never felt like
the right time.

Anyway, I can tell you this:

They both got curated...

several times.

♪ What a morning

♪ Made to order

♪ What a rainbow
We'll go there some day ♪

♪ See that blue sky

♪ Knows no limits

♪ That's why
the clouds stay away ♪

♪ It's so easy
predicting the way ♪

♪ People shrug in surprise

♪ When they hear what I say

♪ Hear laughing doubters

♪ I'm laughing louder

♪ I don't really care

♪ There's a song in my ear

♪ I've been hearing
for years ♪

♪ Somehow it always appears

♪ What a way to

♪ Spend the day, you

♪ Can't turn a corner
without making friends ♪

♪ Every second
Life gets better ♪

♪ I don't know
where it will end ♪

♪ It's so easy to know
what they'll say ♪

♪ When I walk through the
streets almost every day ♪

♪ Dear laughing doubters

♪ I'm laughing louder

♪ I don't really care

♪ There's a song in my ear

♪ I've been hearing
for years ♪

♪ Somehow it always appears

♪ Dear laughing doubters

♪ I'm laughing louder

♪ Why should I care?

♪ There's a song in my ear

♪ I've been hearing
for years ♪

♪ Somehow it always appears

Oh, yeah...
Fender's company went out of business.

Forbes Magazine named him
Wall Street's biggest loser!

Way to go, Fender!