Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen...

our national anthem.

I'm up.

The ozone hole over the North Sector...

is now at 5,000 miles and growing.

Good luck.

Yes?

We are here to speak with Dr. Von Mobil.

About what?

We're from the Ministry of Knowledge.

Knowledge...

Dr. Von Mobil, how are you feeling, sir?

Wonderful.

We need to ask you a few questions.

You want to know...

what I have...

up here.

Nurse.

Thank you.

Sir, you must help us.

Our research has shown only you are old enough to recall...

life here before the magnetic storm degaussed all recorded history.

We need to rebuild, but before we can do so...

we need to know where we went wrong.

You must...

rebuild.

We know that, sir, but where do we begin?

"'Four score and seven years ago...

"'our forefathers..."'

Yes?

Our forefathers. Tell us about our forefathers.

The Constitution.

The Declaration of Independence.

Can you remember them?

"'We the People...

"'have a right to remain silent.

"'Anything you say may be used...

"'against you.

"'One nation...

"'invisible...

"'with liberty...

"'and Christmas for all."'

Liberty? What is liberty?

Freedom.

What is freedom-dom?

The Fourth of July.

What is the Fourth of July?

The day it all began.

Seventeen...

1776.

The day what began?

The birth...

of the nation.

The Spirit...

of Seventy...

six.

Dust growth has tripled in the outer regions. Evacuation needed.

Repeat, evacuation needed.

Adam-11?

Isn't it a little late for decorum, gentlemen?

We're from the Ministry of Knowledge.

I always wondered what you guys looked like.

I'm Chevron-17.

This is Yale-44, Rons 29 through 31...

and of course from the Sector of Psycho-Historical Inquiries, Heinz-57.

Hello, Adam-11. Heinz-57.

Yeah. So what do you want?

According to the Ministry, two years ago...

you started filing requests for tetrahydrozoline-6...

the main component of the Tetra-cell to fuel the ship you've been working on.

I know what it's used for.

Adam-11, the Ministry has decided to grant your request.

That's great.

That's just wonderful.

Ikiki Beach. Finally, I can go to paradise.

There's only one thing we need you to do for us.

Chanel-6, our foremost epistemological anthro-sociologist...

has redlined an outline for a mission back in time.

We want you to pilot that mission.

Just out of curiosity, how far back are we talking about?

1776. To the birth of our nation.

I'm not sure the ship would make it that far back.

What better time to find out?

Find out? Why would I want to risk my life for this mission?

You'd go down in history as a hero.

I'm not the hero type, and in case you haven't noticed, history is over.

Not if we can save it.

I'm not interested in saving anything. All I wanted was the tetrahydrozoline.

If you think you can bribe me by holding this over my head...

I'm afraid my answer will have to be...

I'm sorry I'm late, everyone.

I was held up at High Command.

So now, Chevron, how many people are going to be in this crew?

Three brave souls...

Adam-11, Chanel-6, Heinz-57...

now board the craft.

Due to the molecular gravitational shift and planetary alignment...

they have only 12 hours or they will be lost...

never able to reenter the present.

On this historic day, we wish our time travelers the best of luck...

and hope that the past they discover...

will be the key which will unlock our future.

You look very stellar, Chanel.

There's the date, 21...

Can't you work out here?

Don't worry, Chanel.

Whatever happens, remember we only have 12 hours.

Well, this is it.

I can't believe this is actually working.

Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Looks like we made it.

Look at this.

It's amazing.

Nature.

I've heard of this.

So...

still think this pile of junk is useless?

Do you mean that rhetorically, or is this more idle flirtation?

I brought us to the birth of the nation. The least you could say is thank you.

All right, Adam-11. A job well done.

Did you see the tubetop Cheryl Dickman had on today?

Boner city! You could see the whole outline and everything.

- Definite beat-off material. - Totally.

Whoa, man! What is that?

I don't know. Maybe it's a new sculpture or something.

Looks more like a pile of junk.

Let's check it out.

I'm into it. Let's go.

- Chris. - Yeah?

Did I take any 'shrooms today?

Not to my knowledge.

What the hell is this?

I don't know. Why don't we ask them?

Good idea. Why don't you go ahead?

Only two wheels.

Curious design.

What are those?

Banana Chopper Fours with quarter spokes and full knobbies.

What's this?

Can we trust you?

Totally.

- This was our transportation here. - Transportation?

We are from the year 2176.

Right. Now I get it.

These guys are definitely frying on acid.

- Probably still stuck in the '60s. - Woodstock city.

Is this your communal hang-out or something?

Heinz-57.

Chanel-6.

I'm Adam-11.

I'm Tommy Sears. I'm 17.

Chris Johnson. 18.

Oh, shit!

Snodgrass!

If it isn't Rodney Snodgrass.

I have been waiting for this my whole life.

How long have you boneheads been here?

Just a few minutes.

- Who are they? - What's it to you?

God! You're so stupid! Didn't you hear that noise?

Don't you know anything about UFOs?

Wait a second. You think this is a UFO?

Wait till I tell my brother.

Looks like I've got the science fair prize wrapped up again this year.

Thank you very much.

- I'd like to wrap him up. - Wait here until I get back.

I'm going to get some help. If they try to leave, just stall them!

Who was that?

- Rodney Snodgrass. - Science whiz, UFO buff.

- All around pain in the ass know-it-all. - Enemy of decent people everywhere.

- Enemy? - It's not too cool for you guys to be here.

Do you know where we can hide?

Chris, aren't those your consumer-minded parents?

Looks like they bought another car.

Look, honey. It's the boys!

We're busted, dude.

Quick, hide. I'll handle this.

Behind the ship. Hide, dude.

- Hello, Tommy. - Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Johnson.

Tommy, please, call us Bob and Jean.

Okay, Jean.

- Hi, Son. - Hi, Dad.

Look what your mother and I just bought.

Isn't it a beauty?

Sure is wide.

- Son, you know how I got this car? - How, Dad?

By believing in myself.

That's great, Dad.

I wish you'd let me take you to one of the "'Be"' seminars, just once.

No, thanks, Dad. With homework and summer school...

Son, I'm not going to force you.

It's certainly not about that.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, we have to run. We don't want to be late for the seminar.

I don't believe it. They didn't say anything about the ship.

My parents are so insane. Watch this.

Mom, Dad!

Yes, Chris?

Is it okay if I keep this UFO in the garage for a while?

Anything you want, Son.

God, I wish I had your parents, man.

One and Two, come in.

Please report to Liberty Park to investigate possible UFO sighted by...

ground central at quadrant four, vector L-7 R-6. Over.

Eddie, you're not going to believe this.

You drag me all the way out here to show me dirt?

I thought you said there was a chick.

Somebody moved it!

You got to stop reading all those crazy magazines. You're losing your mind.

It was right here, I swear it!

- See what I see? - I think so.

- What do you see? - A guy.

That's what I see.

Hey, Eddie, wait!

Let's check it out.

Cool, huh?

Do you know these people?

- Man, I wish. - Who are they?

Mel Schacher, Don Brewer, and Mark Farner.

Grand Funk Railroad.

They are like "'the"' American band.

- "'The"' American band? - Shit, yeah.

They like, "'Come into your town and help you party down."'

"'Help you party down."'

Totally.

Haven't you ever seen an 8-track player before?

Don't they have those in the future?

You still don't believe us?

No.

Then why are you helping us?

I would do anything in this world just for once to see...

Rodney Snodgrass not get what he wants.

- And he wants you. - And the science fair prize money.

- Prize money? - Yeah. It's like $300 this year.

$300? Is that a lot?

Dude! Are you shitting us?

No.

Look.

There must be thousands of dollars here!

Where we come from, money is worthless.

Inflation city.

You guys really aren't from around here, are you?

- It figures Rodney know-it-all was right. - The shit.

- Open up, you guys! - We're busted.

I know you're in there!

It's cool. I'll handle this.

I heard you playing Grand Funk. Open up or I'll call the cops!

All right, what did you do with it?

- Do with what? - You know with what. The UFO.

There's no such thing as UFOs.

What do you think was in the park, genius?

Haven't you ever heard of a public sculpture before?

Look, Johnson, if you'd help me out...

I'd be willing to cut you and Sears in on the science fair prize money.

Blow butt, Snodgrass.

Fine! I don't need your help!

I have all the proof I need right here!

See you around, sucker!

Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Listen up. If I know Rodney, he's going straight to the cops.

You guys are going to be like suspect city.

I suggest we get you guys some new threads immediately.

Right on!

I have found some very interesting artifacts.

Look at this.

What is it?

It appears to be footwear.

Can I help you with something, or something?

I was just looking at this.

What sign are you? My mood ring totally changed colors.

Sign?

You know, of the zodiac.

I bet you're a Capricorn. Caps are always so forgetful.

Capricorn.

I knew it!

I'm psychic.

Not really. I can't bend spoons, but I can usually tell signs.

- Hi, Cheryl. - Oh, hi.

I'll see you later. Ciao.

Ciao?

You know, we're not here to make friends.

Wow, you look great. Boner city.

Thank you.

You know, Chanel...

I've been planning a little trip to a place called lkiki Beach.

I thought after this little mission was over, you might want to join me.

- "'Little"' mission? - Relax.

Relax? You don't seem to understand. This is no time to relax!

This "'little"' mission may just determine the future of this planet.

- Come on, I didn't mean anything... - What are you here for, anyway?

That's what I was saying.

When I go back, they'll give me enough tetrahydrozoline to go anywhere in time.

- And I just... - And that's why you took this mission?

- Well, yeah. - Is that all you think about? Yourself?

Don't you care that our world is dying and that we have a chance to save it?

Of course I care.

I was just thinking about after we save the world.

Just try to blend in. Just be cool.

- I think Heinz got the wrong size suit. - Yeah. It's a little tight.

You think that was them?

I don't know. It didn't look like them to me.

- Maybe we should've asked. - Asked what?

If it was them.

- You think so? - What?

That we should've asked them.

Headquarters, come in.

This is One and Two requesting back-up at Taylor and Main.

We think it's them.

- Rodney, where the hell are you? - I'm busy.

- Hello? - Yes, is your refrigerator running?

Why, yes, it is.

Better go catch it!

What the hell did you do with my gold razor blade?

Goddamn it, Eddie, you idiot! My evidence!

Sorry. Hope it wasn't anything important.

Thanks.

The birth rate is now at 20 percent and falling.

Hi. My name is Cyndi.

And I'll be your waitress on this very special Fourth of July.

Heinz-57.

I can tell you're ready to put in your special order. What can I get for you?

Cyndi, I'm looking for the Constitution.

- We just ran out of the Constitution. - Ran out?

I know, it's terrible.

But the Bill of Rights burger is just as good and comes with the salad bar.

No, I must have the Constitution.

Well, if you take the Valley Forge tuna melt...

and replace the dill spears with pickle relish, you'll get pretty close.

Valley Forge, barf city.

Why don't you think it over, talk amongst yourselves...

and I'll be back in a little bit.

Valley Forge.

Barf city?

If you don't mind my asking, what exactly is your mission?

We've come here to retrieve the heritage of our nation.

The Constitution.

Are you for real? You came all this way just for that?

Dude.

- Do you know where can we find it? - Any library.

Excellent. I suggest we individuate and meet back at the...

Crash pad.

Heinz, you get to the library and retrieve the documents.

I'll decode and collect all the aesthetic data.

Adam-11, you research the various technological...

Wait a second. Hold on. Since when are you giving the orders?

Adam-11, this is no time for petty ego arguments.

Since you're here, you might as well help.

I signed on to operate the craft.

Saving the future was never really my interest in life.

- It's about time you made it your interest. - Calm down.

And it's time you stopped telling me what to do.

Oh, brother.

You're either with us on this or you're not.

All right, the plan is clear. We all know what we have to do. Now let's just...

do it.

- That was expensive. - I know.

I can't wait until we go metric. Everything will be so much cheaper then.

- Oh, man, cop city. - We're busted.

- Come on. - Let's go!

Hold it right there!

- Where are you going, Adam? - Run, Chanel.

This way, come on.

Excuse me, officers, could you direct me to the nearest Miller's Outpost?

- Look, another streaker. - Nice butt.

- Hold it! - Freeze, right there!

Hey, mellow out.

- You want to smoke some Lumbo? - Lumbo?

It's got a little paraquat in it, but that was two weeks ago.

It should be all right by now. I mean, that stuff dissipates really fast.

Can I help you?

I need some papers, man. I need about a case of rolling papers.

And I want to look at some of these hash pipes, too.

And I want to see that roach clip. I like that one with the feather on it.

Hey. Check this out, man!

What is it?

It's a bong, man.

- Bong? - Yeah. A Bicentennial bong.

See, it's got pictures of the Founding Fathers on it.

The Founding Fathers?

Except the pictures should have been down here...

so you can check 'em out when you get wasted.

The employment index...

is at minus 027 and falling.

Hey, you in the orange suit.

You lookin' like a man of leisure. Come on over here a moment.

I can't. I'm being pursued.

You're being pursued? Let Clovis fix you up.

I got a place where you can hide.

Ask. Know Miss Liberty.

- You know Thomas Jefferson? - I know Luther Jefferson.

Hi. I'm lusty Miss Liberty, here to cater and fulfill your every desire.

So what gets you off?

You see, I come from the future.

Wait. Let me guess. Science fiction fantasy?

No, psycho-historical studies.

I was on my way to the library in search of the Constitution...

Wait. Did you say the Constitution?

Yes. In the future, this document will be lost.

I say it may as well be lost today.

How do you mean?

Let's take a look at the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution...

because, in a sense, that's where it all starts.

A lie from the President to manipulate Congress to fund an undeclared war?

Not only does this render the tripartite system functionally useless...

but clearly violates the oath of office prescribed by the Constitution itself.

Amazing.

So, listen, you want to get high?

I got my van parked out front and I got this killer sinsemilla.

Yes, let's get high.

What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

I was just leaving.

With this guy? What gives?

Give it up, Snodgrass.

Trojan! The name is Eddie Trojan.

But you, my dreambucket, can call me Eddie.

You, my dreambucket, can call him dickhead. Later.

How would you like to boogie down sometime?

- Boogie? - You know, let loose. I'm talking...

- I know I'm good, but... - Let's leave.

Whatever you say.

Oh, shit. Here come the fuzz.

So with Watergate we see the last nail...

driven into the coffin of the electoral process itself.

You see, Heinz, how essential it is that this document be observed to the letter.

- There he is! - Hold it!

- Move around the front! - Let's go!

- Thank you, Clovis. - Right on.

Come on!

That way. I know a shortcut.

Is that the kind of car I think that is?

- But it didn't even hit it. - Doesn't have to.

Let's get out of here.

Man, that was more cops than Starsky and Hutch!

I thought for sure we were busted!

Cop city!

Everyone, please take a seat.

You're just in time. You're the last one we're letting in.

Please make yourself comfortable.

We're going to be here a while, okay?

Great.

Super.

First time?

Yes.

This guy is going to blow your mind.

The first time I was here, I shit in my pants...

and then got a raise the very next day.

How does it feel...

to be...

an asshole?

How does that feel?

Because whether you know it or not...

you're all assholes.

Come on, say it with me.

"'I am an asshole!"'

You're not getting it. Say it loud.

"'I am an asshole!"'

Good.

Want to hear my new 8-track stereo? It's real bitchin'.

- You know, they call me the bonemaster. - Really?

I know I'm hot stuff, but how come you're so keen on seeing my pad?

Let's just say you fascinate me, Eddie.

Whatever.

So this is where you live?

For now. This is just a temporary thing.

Soon as I get my real estate license, I'm outta here.

Wanna go in your folks' house and show Adam how to play Atari?

Tommy, in case you forgot, we totally agreed to help save the world.

- What did Chanel want us to do? - Gather the artifacts.

Okay, cool. I'm into it. Let's do it.

There's one thing, though. What's an artifact?

- Oh, man! I thought that you knew! - How am I supposed to know?

Adam, don't think I'm a dork, but what's an artifact?

I don't know. All this stuff. Like this.

What is this?

- Tang! - Tang?

It's like orange juice, it's sort of a breakfast drink.

But you don't have to drink it just for breakfast.

It's what the astronauts drink in space.

- What do your astronauts do in space? - All kinds of stuff.

They put an American flag on the moon.

Played golf and jumped around a lot.

They did a lot of stuff for mankind.

Really?

It didn't work.

Oh, no. The Tetra-cell is gone!

- The what? - The battery!

Snodgrass!

The Lumis-Foil is starting to erode.

Bummer. Nothing like eroded Lumis-Foil.

- What's Lumis-Foil? - It protects the internal conduit controls.

However, without the Tetra-cell, the Lumis-Foil will decay...

and the transfer of anti-matter through time will no longer be contingent...

Are we gonna be tested on this?

Really, dude, just speak English.

It means we must get the Tetra-cell back. We have to find Snodgrass. Where is he?

The science lab!

Didn't your mother teach you not to steal?

You guys should have shared with me. Then I wouldn't have had to steal!

Excuse me, Mr. Kipper!

Toadblock!

- Make mine well done, honey. - Right up.

That's it, Billy, hit him hard.

Let's get him.

Mind if I borrow this?

Cool! Just like Snake Canyon! Evil Kneviel!

- Wipe out! - Come on. He's getting away!

- Coming through! - Drop dead, Rodney.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, man!

It's gonna blow!

Isn't that nice?

Now we boogie.

I've heard this before.

Sure you have. It's The Hustle.

Would it be fair to say that a lot of people live like you do?

Hey, maybe a lot of people like me...

but there's no one like me.

Know what I'm saying?

There's only one Eddie Trojan.

So what are we waiting for? Let's boogie.

You're an asshole.

And you're an asshole.

Excuse me, sir.

- Where do you think you're going? - I'm sorry, but I have to leave.

You have to leave?

That's very interesting. Where do you have to leave to?

I must get to the library...

No, no!

You don't have to get to the library. You want to get to the library.

Do you see what I'm getting at? You see the difference?

I must leave.

Buddy, you don't understand.

These seminars...

they're about commitment.

Now, if you get it, I'd be happy to let you leave.

But do you get it?

Get what?

What's your name?

Heinz...

Heinz, for the remainder of this seminar...

you will be referred to as Heinz Asshole.

Now, please, take a seat.

Wonderful.

Our time travelers have just under five hours left. We wish them luck.

Thanks. We'll need it.

"'Carbon dioxide."'

No!

What are you trying to do, kill yourself?

Lethal combo. Ten kids already died with those things exploding in their stomachs.

The carbonation triggers it off.

- Then, kaboom! - Explosion city!

Did you catch up with Snodgrass?

Okay. Good news and bad news.

The good news is, we just saved your life, for which you should be eternally grateful.

And the bad news?

The bad news concerns the Tetra-cell.

It's gone.

- Gone? What do you mean, gone? - Well, it like totally exploded.

I see.

So, what you're saying...

is that I'm stuck here.

Forever.

Bummer.

Really. Now you know how we feel.

Why didn't I listen to myself?

I knew from the start this mission thing was not a good idea.

Then why did you do it?

Tommy, why does any man do what he does?

You're getting it. That's hot.

Eddie, you won't believe what happened to me.

What do you want now, Rodney?

Eddie, that's one of them. She's one of them.

- What are you talking about? - When I took you to where they landed.

She's one of the crew that was standing by the ship.

I thought I told you to forget about that stuff.

There's no telling what they might be up to. We have to call the CIA!

- You're not calling the CIA. - Yes, I am!

Adam-11 to Chanel-6. Come in, Chanel-6.

Chanel-6. Go ahead, Adam-11.

Bum-out. The Tetra-cell has been stolen and destroyed.

You might as well just take it easy. This mission is over.

This mission is not over.

You agreed to pilot us here and take us back.

Not leave us stranded here in 1776.

I didn't plan on having the Tetra-cell stolen, did I?

And I didn't plan on having our pilot turn out to be a quitter.

What's all that noise? Where are you?

If you must know, I am in the safe hands of Eddie Trojan.

The bonemaster.

And just what are you doing in his hands?

I'm learning how to dance.

Dancing? Oh, that's good. I can see how that's going to save the future.

Perhaps I should ask Eddie to build the Tetra-cell...

since you don't seem to be up to the task.

Alien or not, I got a good chance of getting a piece of ass here.

You mess this one up and I'll punch your lights out.

You're so stupid.

It takes one to know one.

- CIA? - Yes.

The suicide rate has just overtaken the birth rate.

How can I get out of here? I must leave.

You can't leave. It's part of the process.

Because when you get right down to it, when push comes to shove...

it's about freedom.

And when I talk about freedom...

I'm not talking about the kind you get when you buy a box of maxi-pads.

I'm talking about freedom with a capital "'F."'

Freedom of choice.

You want that raise with the $10,000 bonus?

- Sure. - Then, baby, goddamn it, you take it...

because it belongs to you.

But don't just dream it.

Be it.

Be.

Say it with me.

"'Be."'

Good.

Can an artifact be food?

'Cause I just totally raided my folks' kitchen.

Killer! Let's scarf.

- You want a Snowball? - No, thanks.

Come on, lighten up. You're bumming me out.

Did you know that if I made it back...

they were going to give me all the tetrahydrozoline-6 I wanted?

- Tetra-what? - Tetrahydrozoline-6.

What is it?

A very rare chemical that the government keeps under tight control.

- I've heard of that. - I doubt it very highly.

No, really, I have.

Tetrahydrozoline. I've heard of that, too.

Tetrahydrozoline, tetrahydrozoline...

Eye drops!

- Shit, man. That's it! - That's what?

Dude, it's eye cleaner stuff. It puts the white back in.

A common household item. "'Now with tetrahydrozoline."'

"'Available in econo-size."'

You know how valuable this will be one day?

It's valuable now, like when you don't want your parents to know you're stoned.

- Can we get more of this? - Shitloads.

Unbelievable.

Now all we need is some carbon dioxide to act as a catalyst.

That may be a little more difficult.

- Carbon city. - What?

It's carbon dioxide!

In other words, we have the technology.

We can rebuild it.

One more thing. I don't think the ship is safe here anymore.

Snodgrass knows where it is. And God knows who he's told by now.

Where can we hide it?

Totally!

- Honey, isn't that Chester McAndrew? - Yes, it is.

I think he won last year.

Very bright boy. Very bright.

Watch it, Johnson. You'll scare my hamster!

- Well, don't bogart the table. - Really.

How's the Lumis-Foil doing?

It's definitely seen better days. We'll have to work fast.

Tommy, get the carbon dioxide. Chris, as much tetrahydrozoline as you can.

Let's book!

Eddie, I must go now. I wonder, could you give me a ride...

Hey, where's the fire?

Get to know me.

- Do you hear what I hear? - I think so.

What do you hear?

- A woman's voice. - That's what I hear.

Eddie, what exactly are you doing?

Babe, I can't help myself.

When I think about you, I think about love.

- You're under arrest. - Is there a law against trying to get laid?

Not him! The girl!

We knew that.

You'll have to come with us.

Adam to Chanel, important change of plans. Meet at 1700 at...

You can't take her! She's mine!

Come on, let's get him!

Heinz here.

Lumis-Foil eroding. Ship in great danger.

Meet at science fair at 1700.

- But the... - Forget about the Constitution.

Meet at the science fair at 1700. Over.

But, Chanel...

that stuff they're saying about you being an alien. Is any of that true?

- Of course not, Eddie. - Oh, good.

Can't this thing go any faster?

I didn't put a 427 with a four-barrel Holley carb in here for nothing.

You dance so good, I think we're ready for the big time.

Did they see us come in here?

No, I think we're safe in here. Besides, I'll take care of you.

I'm real thirsty. Why don't you get us something to drink?

Great idea. I'll meet you on the dance floor.

Chanel-6 to Adam-11. Come in, Adam-11.

Adam-11.

Did not receive entire message. Please repeat.

You didn't hear it? Where were you?

In order to protect this mission I was unable...

If you don't make it to the science fair by 1700...

this mission will never have existed.

One hour and counting.

Being and freedom.

Why do I say these words in the same breath?

The Constitution.

I must have your shirt.

There's a sale on them at the Rainbow.

You mean there's more than one?

Sure. Everybody's wearing them.

I'll give you $500 for yours.

All right, $1,000.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not easy to "'be."'

Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Cash.

You would all just "'be."'

Excuse me, Heinz Asshole. What are you doing?

I'm exercising my freedom of choice and leaving.

No, you don't understand. I was speaking metaphorically not literally.

You see, freedom is very tricky.

Dr. Cash, I don't understand.

On the one hand, you tell us to make freedom our own...

but you prevent us when we choose to do so.

This corruption of meaning is like something I've heard about called...

Watergate.

Let's use it.

What can we learn from this?

Dr. Cash, I have learned enough.

Now I must leave.

Heinz?

People...

take a look at Heinz.

Heinz, let them see a man...

who came here...

a man who changed here...

and a man who's now ready to leave here.

And why?

Because he got it.

Let's give him a hand.

What idiots!

Oldest trick in the book!

Thirty-seven minutes and counting.

- Honey. - Honey.

¿Qué pasa?

- Hello, Bob and Jean. - Hello.

- I was just at the Being seminar. - Funny, that's where we're going.

And I need your car.

Dr. Cash said that if I wanted something, I should just take it.

Well, go ahead, by all means, take it.

- Think he'll bring it back? - Honey, you know it's not about that.

You don't understand. I must get to Liberty Park.

Hold your horses, babe. We haven't even boogied yet.

Besides, I took the liberty of entering us in the dance contest.

But there's no time.

Let's dance.

Now you're speaking my language.

Chanel-6 to Adam-11, imminent arrest at the Starlight Discotheque, 15th and Main.

Chris, Tommy, come here.

How far is 15th and Main?

You can't leave now. The fair is starting. The Tetra-cell isn't even...

All right. Just keep adding the tetrahydrozoline.

When the Tetra-cell is full, add the carbon dioxide.

Slowly at first. Then gradually increase it until it starts to foam up, then seal it.

Wait. What was the first part again?

Don't worry. I think I got it. Let's just go.

Why don't you go?

Because there's a line, that's why I do not go.

You're obstructing my freedom of choice.

I'll obstruct your colon if you don't shut up!

Fuck you!

Please gather around, everybody.

Our own Chester McAndrew will now demonstrate his project.

Very appropriate for the Bicentennial, I may say.

A self-propelled, waving American flag.

Chester?

- Why... - Go ahead.

Why, in this modern age, must we rely on the wind...

to keep the flag looking good?

I say, keep Old Glory waving proudly all year 'round.

Pretty good.

Thank you, Chester. Keep her going.

Look at that.

Look at couple number one go. Check them out.

Ikiki Beach.

Bad housekeeping, paleface.

One day, at this rate...

there won't be any beaches left for you to look at.

How did you know?

Seven minutes and counting.

Buddy, you honk at me one more time...

I'm gonna ram that Pacer up your ass!

All right! That does it!

Well, hello, Chris, Tommy.

This is an unexpected entry, considering you haven't been to class all summer.

We've been totally busy working on our science project.

What exactly is it?

This year, Chris and myself...

will attempt to prove the theory of...

- Time travel. - Right on.

- Built yourself a time machine, have you? - Exactly.

I'm sure we're all looking forward to seeing whatever it is you've done.

That's great. Because we really look forward to showing it to you.

We'll come back to you, okay?

Next.

Over here, people.

Five minutes and counting.

From Sandalwood City, couple three, Jeff and Blanche Allman!

What are you doing?

Yowser! Disco dancing will never die!

Adam-11.

We really can't keep the future of mankind waiting much longer.

Who is this guy?

I believe we had a date.

Wait. Was it something I said?

- I'm really sorry. You're a terrific dancer. - I've got her.

Come with us.

Let's go!

I'm sorry, Eddie.

I'm right behind you.

Two minutes and counting.

Next, a last-minute entry from Chris Johnson and Tommy Sears.

Chris and Tommy will be demonstrating... What is it again?

It's kind of a time travel thing.

Actually, what this is, this invention of ours, if you will...

which by the way is ours. It belongs to no one else.

Exactly. This invention belongs to Tommy and myself.

Two minutes.

You forgive me? For what?

For those unkind things you said about me before.

Just because you rescued me...

don't expect me to fall into your lap like a damsel in distress.

Your problem is you just can't face the fact that you love me.

- In love with you? I don't even like you. - See, you're doing it now.

What is there to like about you? You're arrogant, lazy and you're...

And what?

- Let's get out of here. - You're the boss.

- You know something? - What?

I'm not getting paid enough for this line of work.

I know what you mean.

Maybe there's something in Administration.

- You think so? - What?

- That there is something there. - Where?

- In Administration. - Why, did you hear about something?

One minute and counting.

So, with a common pharmaceutical substance, tetrahydrozoline...

we were actually able to sort of...

fix up the Lumis-Foil...

which, by the way, protects...

the internal conduit controls.

Which makes the transfer of anti-matter through time...

contingent upon content spatial...

Hey! Are we going to be tested on this?

...27, 26, 25...

And so any minute now, you will be witnessing...

Chris, the Tetra-cell!

...18, 17, 16...

Where were you? I don't know how much longer we can stall them.

Wait, everybody! We're going to have some time travel.

...ten, nine, eight...

- Oh, no. - What is it?

There's something wrong with the Tetra-cell.

...five, four...

three, two, one, zero.

Yes!

Something's happening! People, come back! Wait!

We've got a noise now. It goes with the smoking Lumis-Foil.

What you're hearing now is a highly futuristic engine sound...

that means that everything is okay.

- Are we cool? - Totally.

It was really great having you guys here.

You guys were the most exciting thing to hit this town since Cal Jam.

Thank you.

Take it easy.

Ladies and gentlemen!

America!

Can I please have a round of applause for America?

For where else but in America could two idiot kids like us...

invent a time travel ship that looks like this!

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you time travel!

Now that was science!

Did Chris and Tommy ace the science fair or what?

Totally!

Everyone look at the upper left arm of your shirt...

and try to follow along.

"'We the People...

"'of the United States...

"'in order to form...

"'a more perfect Union...

"'establish Justice..."'

Look! It's Miss Liberty!

Hi, Miss Liberty!

I think it's time we took that trip to lkiki Beach.

Why leave?

"'... establish this Constitution...

"'for the United States of America."'

Take three.

And action!

- Okay, what's this? - Chewy-chocolate space food sticks...

went to the moon with the astronauts, and they taste great.

- And this? - Ginsu knives that dice, slice...

Even cuts through metal.

What about this?

- Pringles, made from dried potatoes. - Every one exactly the same.

- How about this? - Cup O' Noodles.

Just add water and the noodles come to life.

- This? - Spam!

- It's a spray-paint can. - But it's cheese.

Okay, how about this?

More Cup O' Noodles.

Help me!

English