Original subtitles

I told Bogdan that Tatars were storming Warka.

It's at least 24 hours round trip.

So I have the smithy to myself while he's gone.

I have to think of a new scheme because I'm running out of town names.

Hm.

The mourning period for my brother is over.

Yah!

Jakub!

Stanisław's only been gone 72 hours.

You're right. He's just run away. It's too soon.

He'll be back any minute once he's calmed down.

Stazcek's disappearance made us all so very sad.

It also reopened the never-ending discussion

of who will inherit the throne.

It comes down to me and Aniela.

But that silly girl doesn't stand a chance in hell.

Aniela's obviously obsessed with that simple peasant.

She could get banished for being so stupid.

That's why I'm gonna play Cupid.

Hm.

I'm a poet, and I didn't know it.

Nice one.

ANNUAL INFIDEL CENSUS A.D. 1670

Welcome to our annual infidel census.

Poland is a tolerant country.

You are free to practice whatever form of deviant religion you choose,

but it is my duty to inform all of you

that you'll burn in the depths of hell if you choose wrong.

We'll start with you, innkeeper.

I'm a follower of the Jewish faith, just like last year.

And just like last year, I'm disappointed to see you still wearing those curls.

You're excused.

Who's next?

- Who the hell are you? - My name's Maciej. I work for you.

The blacksmith's apprentice. We've met already.

And your religion?

- I'm Orthodox. - Hmm.

I have a new system. It's a frowny face if you follow Shabbat,

and a pouty face for Orthodox.

I see no difference.

It's quite distinct. This is a Jew.

"I'm sad because I'm living a lie."

This is an Orthodox.

"I don't want your religion. I want to live a lie.'"

- It's all in the eyebrows. - Oh, the brilliance of this boy.

All right. Next peasant.

Who do you worship?

- I don't have a religion, sir. - You don't?

I've tried to develop my metaphysical side, my lord,

but it's never really worked out for me. I hope that won't be a problem.

Burn, atheist! Burn!

Huh.

Uh, perhaps I could try to find a religion for next year, if it's a problem.

No.It's a free country,

but we'll be forced to put you to death for your beliefs.

Atheists are marked with a skull and crossbones.

I was confused. There's been a mistake.

- On your part? - Yes, sir. I'm not an atheist.

You're just changing your statement because it'll get you burned at the stake.

I was nervous. What I meant was... that my beliefs run deep.

What are these beliefs of yours?

The, um...

The Brown-Hatter.

Hm. The Brown-Hatter, huh? And what does this Brown-Hatter teach you?

He teaches us... that...

we should wear hats.

And what does your deity promise for the afterlife?

After death, if we have lived a good life,

we will be rewarded...

with lots of spuds.

Mm. And the sinners?

In the mud and no spuds.

Enough. No more spreading your heathen beliefs.

I think we can let this one slide. It's... small potatoes.

Very clever, Father.

And besides, I've always wanted to draw a fedora.

- Go in peace. - Albert!

That Brown-Hatter stuff and the potatoes...

It was beautiful.

What's your pronoun?

- Marianna, have you seen my dad? - No.

Marianna!

Have you seen Jan Paweł?

Has Stazcek come home?

I'm avoiding my wife and daughter,

because there's a March for Equality scheduled for tomorrow.

It's a ceremonial procession that brings together all of our infidels.

- There's only one problem. - Dad needs to approve the parade permit.

Surely you meant to say that he must deny it.

Our opinions differ, Mother, but he must say yes to the march.

He must say a hard no.

Why are you acting so immature?

No means no, Aniela.

But this needs a yes.

Come on in, Andrzej. Make yourself at barn.

My only hope to solve my dilemma is

this old fart, Andrzej.

If he is the first one to veto the march,

I won't be forced to choose between Zofia and Aniela.

I just can't let on that I care about this equality crap.

Luckily, I'm a cunning man.

Andrzej, we both know we don't have much in common,

which is why I want to start with something light, of no importance.

I'm wondering if you've decided to approve the infidel parade.

- What's your decision? - About what?

- Are you gonna support them? - Support what?

The March for Equality.

Is someone having a march?

- Don't play dumb. You brought it up first. - I guess I forgot.

So many bigger issues to deal with.

I've barely given it a second thought.

It's your call.

We both need to make a decision

since we each own half the village, don't we?

Except your half's bigger than mine.

All right, then.

Let it be.

Equality March is on.

Leave my barn, now...

little man.

The pastry comes with.

The pastry stays.

Mmm.

So not cool.

I said yes to the march because I'm a tolerant person.

Thank you, dear.

I strongly believe each person has the right

to express themselves.

And especially if exercising that right means causing problems for Jan Paweł.

Want a treat?

I went on patrol to make sure

that no foreigners were squatting in our woods.

Now, I'm not a racist,

but I don't like other...

races.

Poles are just such superior beings.

And Lithuanians. They're pretty good too.

A perfect scenario for today would be running into a real Muscovite

and starting the Great Patriot war.

We'd conquer enemy territory, and I'd no longer be a landless noble.

Although finding a starling's egg...

...is pretty sweet too.

Hello?

Who's there?

I can hear you!

Hey!

Who are you? Germans?

Will he do? He looks meager.

It is what it is. Let's get him!

- Bash-bash! - Bash-bash!

- I'm not going for any bash-bash. - Bash-bash.

"Bash-bash" is a well-known Tatar expression for raid

and taking prisoners to sell for ransom or to use as slaves.

- Bash-bash! - These are Tatars, and this is bash-bash.

Bash-bash!

JEW'S

- Oh. Thank you so much. - Enough, Izaak.

I came for the wine.

- What wine, Father? - For the altar?

This one's a real jester.

What do you want?

Do I have to want something?

Aniela, have I ever told you you have beautiful breasts?

And hips.

Uh, maybe you would've noticed...

if it weren't all hidden underneath that flowy smock.

Believe me. I know.

Why are you being so annoying?

What? Is it a sin to tell one's own sister that she's hot?

Forgive me.

I've sinned. I'm absolved. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

If you'll excuse me, Father. I need to get these delivered.

Look at that. The man said he had to go, and off he went.

Decisive and true to his word.

Oof. Macho and sexy.

Celibacy is getting to you, brother.

Youth today know nothing about lust.

A buddy of mine would get all hot under the collar

at the sight of a woman's calf, and take her straight to his cot.

Greatest vicar I've ever known.

Jan Paweł!

Jan Paweł, has a decision been made to grant the Equality march?

Oh, Izaak...

I'm so mad, I can't talk about it.

Please, use your words.

I'm afraid that the parade route is under construction.

You won't be able to have your march.

The road is closed to traffic for the rest of the day.

I was told that Bolesław the Wrymouth may be buried somewhere under here.

We're excavating to see if we find any important remains.

That Wrymouth...

A lousy ruler,

and even lousier corpse.

This is very unfortunate, indeed.

Yes, I was looking forward to the big parade.

Mm.

Well, I hope the rumors blaming you for the fiasco die down quickly.

Rumors?

- Blaming me? - Of course.

I've been telling my brothers in faith

that it was set in stone once Andrzej had approved.

After Jan Paweł the Enlightened convinced him.

- But it's Wrymouth. - Yes. Only you know what folks are like.

They hear a bell, but can't tell from which synagogue.

Two versions of the story later and all anyone will be talking about

is how Jan Paweł the Wrymouth canceled the march.

Fine.

Fill the hole back up!

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!

Mmm.

People say traveling educates.

It's the same with being kidnapped.

Personally, being held captive has shown me that Tatars aren't as bad

as latrine graffiti said.

Woah! Can... Can I just finish my apple?

Whoa!

Oh, gentlemen!

I just wanted to say

that you might wanna start trying to find yourselves a date for the wedding.

- Who's getting married? - It's my sister.

She's so keen on marrying a magnate's son, that she ordered us to plan her wedding.

Go, girl!

Did he say she's marrying a magnate?

Who'd be stupid enough to marry that girl?

Her balls are bigger than mine!

Jealousy.

Deadly sin number four,

but also a powerful aphrodisiac.

Hey!

Hi.

I have some good news.

Dad said yes to the march.

Mm-hmm.

Aren't you happy about it?

So that's what's important right now, huh?

Of course.

I thought you might be too busy attending to your big announcement.

What big announcement?

The one where you...

...dump the lowly serf,

and keep the royal bloodline intact...

...by marrying the son of some magnate. That kind of announcement.

What the hell are you talking about?

Pardon me, my lady.

I forgot I was speaking to a noble.

No, you're speaking to an equal.

That should be enough to not behave like this.

You idiot.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

We're at a temporary housing facility for Tatar prisoners.

I'm giving the vibe here at least five stars.

This guy in the hoodie, that's Nameless.

Waive to our guests.

This is Szczepan,

the youngest of our bunch.

And this is Bones.

He's a bit of a stiff.

The Tatars keep us captive here,

but who would wanna leave with so much square footage?

Now follow closely and I'll show you where the real magic happens.

Can you believe my luck?

This is twice as big as my previous stall, with the same number of rats,

and much tastier rats at that.

Well, I'm starting to like these guys more and more.

Tatars are cool.

And I'm hating on the Swedes more every day.

Stockholm syndrome, I guess.

THE BARN, SEVEN O'CLOCK. MACIEJ

Operation Misalliance is heading into the climax zone.

Your mother won't let me in anyway because I approved to the march.

Father, the discomfort you're feeling is a testament to your troth.

What you're about to see is gonna break your heart,

but you can't turn away from it.

Can we do it the normal way tonight?

What do you mean? This is the new normal.

What brings you to my doorstep at this hour, my lord?

It's late, isn't it?

Be praised, my honorable Countess.

I've come to humble myself at your feet.

Although I have...

over 300 pear trees ripe for the picking in my latifundium,

I only want to pluck the bounty from your bush, my Countess.

- What am I watching? - No idea.

Oh! My lord, my patience has run out.

I can wait no more!

Bend over this second!

Ah!

Don't tell my uncle, I beg of you,

because my uncle is Margrave of Lower Lorraine!

Ah! Oh!

This freak show is not breaking my heart.

But that very bad actor just mentioned

that his uncle is the Margrave of Lower Lorraine.

Oh! Oh!

Father, I think he's lying.

Of course he is. So she won't punish him for the fruit.

- Now be quiet, and let me watch. - My sweet!

Oh! Ah!

You want another?

I don't know.

Wanna talk about it?

Men, huh?

They're a waste of breath.

- Hey! How long do I have to wait? - Ula!

I'll see you at the march soon?

Oh...

I thought the whole thing was canceled.

Canceled?

Why did you cancel the march?

Aniela... we have bigger things to tend to.

It's about Lord Bogdan.

He was captured by Tatars.

They left an arrow indicating that they've taken him prisoner.

With his belongings next to the arrow?

Mm, no.

But his smell tends to linger for quite a while, even outdoors.

This is a tragedy for our entire family.

It would be in bad taste to parade right now.

You've barely even talked to Uncle since he arrived.

You just don't want the march.

I really don't care what sort of gods they worship,

but to celebrate their difference in the streets?

- What about the children? - Mm-hmm.

The march is on!

No march without Bogdan!

If we get Bogdan from the Tatars, we'll have the parade?

Well, barring any more obstacles, yes. We'll have it.

I'll bring him back.

The girl's lost her mind.

I'm sick of everyone telling me I can't do things

because I'm some kind of precious noble!

Aniela! Is the march happening?

I'm working on it.

Do you think we could use our connections to...

To what?

Pull some strings, maybe?

Izaak, I keep telling you,

we don't rule the world.

- Mm-hmm. - There is no Jewish conspiracy, you know.

- It's just a rumor. - Yeah, I know. I know.

Aniela!

Aniela, wait!

Aniela, will you slow down?

Sweetie, I'm asking you for the last time to turn back!

Aniela, can you stop?

- You made your point. - I did not!

Can you just take my side for once, please, Dad?

I was already let down once today.

- What about your mother? - I'll protect you from Mother.

And I'll protect you from the Tatars.

I brought my friend Władysław with me.

Should they try to attack us, they'll taste our swards.

- Swards or swords? - I don't have either.

I'll take care of them. And it's swords.

Władysław, you need a sword against Tatars.

You said we were going out to get "tartare."

I said, "We need to get some Tatars out of the woods," not tartares!

Well, my grumbling stomach only heard "get tartare," then I got on my horse.

Władysław... No matter how drunk you are, always remember, "horse, sword, key."

Whoa.

- It's still warm. - Huh?

We've come for my uncle.

We mean you no harm.

Oh!

It's Bogdan!

We'd like to buy him back.

I have 50 coins.

That's all you're offering? They'll laugh you out of the woods.

They want 500.

They just want five.

Really? I'm definitely worth ten times that.

I'll bid three.

What is this?

I'm confused. You offered 50 to start.

Because I didn't know his current market value.

Dad, let's buy all of them back.

What did I always tell you at the fair as a child? You can only choose one thing.

They'll take them away to who knows where!

How much for the kid?

Thirty!

And the mystery bag?

Ah, that's too rich for my blood. We'll take Bogdan and the kid.

Hold on a second, Jan.

Let's be strategic.

In hole number two, you have Bogdan. A joke.

In hole number three, there's the kid. A bargain.

But in hole number one, a mystery bag.

Just like you said, "Doesn't that make your blood race?"

That bag could hold anything. Like a stray cat. And I don't like cats.

It's not. It's obviously a prisoner in a hood, Dad.

Come on, old friend. Aren't you tempted?

You could potentially win something so much cooler than Bogdan.

My ears work just fine.

All right. I'll take the guy in the bag.

Come on! We came here to rescue my uncle, and that's what we're doing.

And the kid.

All right.

- Is this really your final answer? - Yes!

I've been talking to you all day long, and you learned nothing.

Nothing! Do you hear me?

So I made a deal with these Tatars.

They made it clear they didn't wanna fight,

knowing that Poles take no prisoners.

Although, technically, in this case, we are taking prisoners.

Except they were our prisoners whom were captured by them,

so we're just capturing 'em back.

I mean, "who" were captured, not "whom."

The honorary patron of this year's Equality March,

celebrating infidels of all races, shall be my brave brother-in-law, Bogdan.

Hm?

Whoo!

And please give a big round of applause to our guests of honor!

All protesters are kindly requested not to throw stones.

Adamczycha!

Live your best life in this place!

- Stay on the left side of the road! - Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

- Believe what you want in this safe space! - Heads up! The march is moving!

Adamczycha!

- Adamczycha! - Watch out for provocateurs!

Do not get provoked!

Live your best life in this safe space!

Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

Believe what you want in this safe space!

Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

Believe what you want in this safe space!

Subtitle translation by Maja Konkolewska.