Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

( piano music )

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- Our Father, which art in heaven...

( yawns )

♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪

♪ That God's not even with us ♪

♪ He said that God is really dead ♪

♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪

♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪

♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪

♪ Now I say, good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪

♪ And all the thanks he gets from you ♪

♪ Just look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ I bet His life up there is very hard ♪

♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪

♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪

♪ Ain't got no Mama ♪

♪ Ain't got no Papa ♪

♪ Good for God. ♪

( snoring )

( alarm rings )

( rooster yawns )

( rooster clears throat )

( rooster crows )

( snoring )

- Hmm?

Good morning, God. It's me, Ambrose.

Oops. Oh, dear

Sorry I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late.

Thank You for sparing me for another day.

But, of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it?

Except it doesn't, You see, because in Your book,

it commands us to give constant thanks day and night.

I can't imagine why You'd want anyone to keep thanking You

for all eternity, I mean, day and night.

I should-- I should think You'd be bored with it by now.

I know I would.

I mean, it's not as if You're insecure or anything,

or even as if You had an identity problem.

I mean, after all,

You made me in Your own image, didn't You?

I can't imagine You looking like that somehow.

Still...

You made me on the morning of the sixth day.

That was Saturday.

Well, You might have had a rough Friday night.

Who knows?

Anyway, can't stand around here talking.

You don't wanna hear my problems.

I'm sure You've got problems of Your own.

So, uh, I'll see You tomorrow, eh?

I mean, I'll be here,

and, uh, well, I'll know You'll be there.

If, um, I'm not here, well, I'll be there.

By the way, uh, have a nice day and amen.

Oof.

Oof.

( snoring )

( coughing, yawning )

( fly buzzes )

- Shh.

( muffled scream )

( church bell rings )

( shoes creak )

( knuckles crack )

( belly grumbles )

( church bell rings )

( monks moaning, coughing )

( sighing )

( monks chanting )

- Oh, there you are, Ambrose.

Tell me something.

You are happy here, aren't you?

Hmm? You are happy.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot.

Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course.

- I think I'm happy, Father. I don't know.

It's-- it's the only world I've ever known.

- I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate.

- I was celibate again last night, Father.

- Good, who with?

- Myself, three times.

- Oh, careful. Four would be pride.

- No. No, I'm happy here, Father.

It's my-- it's my home.

- You never wished to visit another world?

You-- you never think you'd like to know

what's going on outside these walls?

- Father, why-- why are you asking me all this now?

- 'Cause we're sending you on a mission, out there.

- Oh, why-- why-- why me?

- Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times.

And when we renounced the material world,

and we ask God for nothing, and in His benevolence,

He gave us nothing immediately and ever since.

- But Father, we-- we-- we took a vow of poverty.

- Oh, we know.

The price of poverty's gone up.

We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore.

Besides, the landlords, they want $5,000 off the mortgage.

- But where can we get that kind of money, Father?

We-- we live by charity.

- You're going to save us.

You are going to get us the money.

- How-- how could I?

How... - I'll tell you how.

You go and visit Armageddon T. Thunderbird.

Armageddon T. Thunderbird, he's a holy man,

a philanthropist, gives money to worthy causes.

You state your case well, and you'll get the money.

There's his address. There's his address.

- Father, I'm-- I'm-- I'm afraid. I've never been outside.

I'm-- I'm not worthy. I mean--

- Well, then you'll have to have some money.

I'll give you $50. That's all we've got.

There you are. You take it.

- Ca-- Can I have time to think it over?

- Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it.

- You see, Father, I've just never been inside the outside world.

And--

Help!

( knocks on door )

Let me in. I'm innocent.

I'm innocent.

- Bless you, my son.

Thank you for making the right decision.

- Let me in. - God bless, God speed.

Vaya con Dios.

- Please, Father. - Have a nice day.

- Let me in.

( Ambrose cries )

- Whoa!

( yells )

( panting )

( vehicle approaches )

( honks )

( tires screech )

( tires screech )

( bells chime )

- Greetings, companion in Christ.

Yes, I'm talkin' to you, Jim.

Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up?

Arise and behold.

( bell rings )

The chariot of the Lord awaiteth.

Haul thine ass aboard.

- Oh, thank you.

( bus backfires )

- This really is very kind of you.

- Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, evangelist, doctor of divinity,

wandering scholar,

licensed purveyor of religious novelties.

- Oh, Father Ambrose, monk.

- Welcome to my church.

- This really is a church then?

- Ah, yes, a traveling church.

- My goodness.

- Like the missionaries of old, I sally forth across the land,

laying the word on the good people.

- That sounds wonderful.

- Ah, then would you care for a blast, my son?

- Uh.

- It's a fine holy wine.

I-- I--

oh, you'll be amused by its humility.

- Uh, no thanks.

No, uh, I never drink, except of course after the wafer.

- Ah.

Quite right.

Unwise to celebrate the Lord on an empty stomach.

( car honks )

( yelling )

- Same to you, fella.

- Up thine, and thy mother's, and thy mother's mother's.

- Peace. - Peace.

- Ah, Aha, yes.

- You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles.

- Yeah.

- Ah, yes, the City of lost angels,

so many wonderful sinners there.

♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching on to war ♪

♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪

♪ Marching on before... ♪

( bus backfires )

- Oh, yes, you will.

The Lord's work is never done.

Right there. Good.

Move 'em. Here we go.

Right there.

This is as far as I go.

- Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. You've been very kind.

- Ha ha. Don't mention it.

Don't mention it.

Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs.

Pick it up, will you, please? - Certainly, Dr. Melmoth.

- Freeze. Don't move a muscle.

I don't want your money, my son.

No, I'm not interested in material things.

- What are you talking about? W--

- Shut up and don't argue.

If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help

if I can without thought to material or personal gain.

And now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted?

- Afflicted? I-- what-- what are you talkin' about?

( muffled speech )

- Since childhood.

Now I claim no powers for myself.

The Lord works through my hand.

- Hey...

- I will make this wretched creature walk upright.

Do you feel the power coursing through you?

Do you feel the electricity?

- Let me go, please. Please let me go.

- Ooh, do you believe? Ooh, do you believe?

- Let me-- - Out devil spirit, heal.

( crowd gasps )

- See? He stands.

Oh, Jesus, it's a miracle.

He stands up straight.

Take your money, son. The Lord doesn't want it.

He doesn't need it. He's made you whole.

Praise the Lord. Walk in the Lord, my son.

( crowd murmurs )

- Walk, run, beat it.

It's a miracle.

Step right up, sinners.

Take a miracle home with you.

Get your levitating Lazarus doll.

See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home.

- Hello, kiddies, I'm Lazarus.

I'm alive again.

Why don't you stand up for Jesus?

( music plays )

- ♪ The other day a friend of mine said ♪

♪ He said that God's not even with us ♪

♪ He said that God is really dead ♪

♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪

♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪

♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪

♪ Now I said good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

( chanting )

♪ He goes and makes this planet blue ♪

♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪

♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ I bet His life up there was very hard ♪

♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪

♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

- Also, we must wait for the son to return

before we can have... - ♪ Good for God ♪

♪ I bet He's got a very hard job... ♪

- Unh.

- ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪

♪ He made it possible for me to be here this day ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

Instrumental...

- ♪ Good for God... ♪

- ♪ Good Lord... ♪

- ♪ Good for God... ♪

- ♪ Now if true is true ♪

♪ It's easier to know the truth ♪

♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Say good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

( gasps )

( screams )

- Uh, excuse me, sir, you dropped your photo--

your photos--

They aren't mine. They-- they were his.

They were his.

I-- I wouldn't-- I mean, I-- oh, my God.

- ♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Now if true is true ♪

♪ And it's easy if you know the truth ♪

♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Say good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ He's got a hard job ♪

♪ Before they put me in a hole ♪

♪ I think I gotta find a big loophole ♪

♪ Good for me ♪

♪ And good for God ♪

( police sirens blaring )

( chattering, shouting )

( car horn honks )

- Father. Father.

- I-- I'm not a Father. I'm a Brother, sister.

What is it you want?

- The sanctuary of the church.

- Huh?

Oh.

What are you doing under there?

- It's all right. I was brought up in a convent.

Just hide me till the cops go by.

Are they still there?

- Yes.

- Right. Look casual and keep walking.

( Ambrose hums )

( Ambrose whistles )

- ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪

♪ Do, do, da, loo, do ♪

♪ Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven? ♪

♪ Do, do, da, loo, do... ♪

- And then the confusion, and-- and the noise.

And-- and people running about.

Well, I've never seen-- oh, well, maybe you have,

but I've never seen anything like this in my life.

And-- and then the way we met, I mean, the way I met you--

or rather way you met-- the way you met me, I mean.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- Oh, no.

I just realized how awful it must have been for you

when I dived under your robe like that.

- Well, it was a bit strange.

I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before,

let alone had one on the, uh, premises,

if you know what I mean.

- Oh, come on. - No, honestly.

No, I've seen, uh, pictures in the Bible.

But they wear these loose flowing robes

and you can't tell what they've got underneath.

See, that-- not like with you.

I mean, with-- with you, I can get some idea what you've got.

I-- I mean, you've got legs and-- and bumpy bits.

- What?

- Um, those things, you know.

- Oh, you mean my boobies?

- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

- What about them?

- Nothing.

I-- I think they look very well on you.

They suit you. - You really do?

- Oh, yeah.

- 'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side.

You know what I mean? - Oh, not to me.

Uh, they're bigger than mine.

- Well...

- No, they look huge-- huge.

- Really?

Gee, it's a very nice thing to say.

- No. - No, it really is.

But, then again, what do you know?

- That's true.

Would you, um, like a taste?

- Mmm.

- Good? - Mmm.

- Think it needs a little more mustard, eh?

- No. - Just--

- It is just right.

You really are an innocent, aren't you?

- I suppose so.

- It's touching. It really is.

It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way.

- See, I know a lot about the theory of sin.

But I don't know anything about the practice.

I mean, for instance, fornication.

- What?

- The Bible's full of it.

You mustn't do it. It's sinful.

You'll go to hell.

But it doesn't tell you how to do it.

So how do you know you're not?

I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here

right now fornicating.

( Mary snickers )

- No, you're not. If you were, I'd tell you.

- Mm-hmm. Thanks.

That couple over there sucking each other's mouth, a-- are--

- Would you keep it down a little bit?

- Oh, sorry.

Uh, are-- are they fornicating?

- They're kissing. They're just kissing.

- Kissing. - That's phase one.

- Ah.

- See, now-- now when they get home,

they'll probably move into phase two.

- Oh, you fornicate in phases.

- Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time.

- Ah.

- See, sex-- sex is very much like a meal.

I'll show you.

See this menu?

If you were gonna order a meal, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- You wouldn't go right for the main course, would you?

Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first?

- Maybe.

- You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver?

- Oh, uh-huh.

- It's an appetizer. That's kissing.

That's what kissing is.

Chopped liver. - Chopped liver.

- Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, that's all.

- Chopped liver.

- Good. Chopped liver.

- Number one, chopped liver.

Phase one. - Phase one.

- I wonder-- I wonder if you would do me a great favor.

- What?

- Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication,

um, would you mind writing down all the things

that I must avoid, in the right order?

If it's not too much trouble.

- Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it.

Um, now what you want--you want a list here, right?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Of everything you're not supposed to do.

- Everything to avoid.

- Okay. Um, well, number one...

- Yeah?

- Um, number one,

we went through it already, is kissing, right?

- Kissing. - Right?

So-- right, kissing.

Now, number two,

take hold of the, uh...

- Bumpy bits.

- Yeah. Shh. Take it, but not like that.

You could hurt someone like that.

It's not a claw.

It's a very gentle kind of movement.

You know, it's like a very caressing...

Mmm. Mmm.

- Mmm. - Oh, that's very nice.

- Mmm. - Mmm, that's good.

That's good. That's good.

Okay.

Number two, right.

- Mmm.

- No, it's okay. You can stop that.

Just keep it to yourself. Okay?

- I-- I've got it. - Take hold of the bits.

I'll just put-- you'll remember, right? - Okay.

- Now, number three... - Yeah.

- Now, number three is very technical.

- Yeah. - So I'm gonna draw you a diagram in number three, okay?

- Now, this is a picture of a woman.

- Aha. Yes. I can see the bumpy bits.

- No, those are the puffed sleeves.

She's wearing a dress. - Oh.

- And then you make love.

I don't know why you always get that one wrong.

- Oh. - You get into bed first.

- Bed. - Then make love.

- Oh. - Use your logic on that one.

- So my 74 goes where my 75 was. - Yes.

'Cause, you know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous.

Why do you think there are hundreds of books out

on how to do it right?

Well, this is where I live.

- Oh. Oh, good night.

- Yeah. Uh, where you staying tonight?

- Oh, I don't know. I'll find somewhere.

- Sure you'll be all right?

- Oh, yeah. I've got lots of money.

The Abbott gave me more than $50.

I have--

No more.

- What?

- No, it's nothing.

- Okay. Bye.

- Good night. - Good night.

( water running )

( Mary hums )

- Number one, chopped liver, kissing.

( kisses )

Number two,

mmm, mmm, mmm.

Number three-- number three was...

( chuckles )

Oh, so many things to remember to avoid.

Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose.

Sorry to bother You, but if You wanted us

to ignore fleshly sins, why did You make us out of meat?

I mean, You could have made us out of anything.

You could have made us out of burlap, or rubber,

or wood, Jell-O, anything.

( sighs ) I know.

You work in mysterious ways.

Be we don't.

Human beings, I mean.

- Tomorrow night, I'll take you

to see Armageddon T. Thunderbird if you want.

By the way, what's your name?

- Ambrose.

- Good night, Ambrose.

My name is Mary.

- Mary?

( grunts )

I can't stand it anymore. Can't stand it.

( shower running )

- What are you doing in there?

- The Abbot said if everything else fails,

cold shower will do it.

Bumpy bits.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ooh. Ooh.

( organ music plays )

- Heh. With a chicken.

( laughing )

Get out of here, you filthy swine.

Out.

Next. Serving number 12.

Serving number 12.

Kneel down and make it snappy.

Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes.

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

- Yes, yes.

( hearing aid whines )

Oh-- oh, won't you wh-- whine to me about it.

You want to whine about this, and you whine about that.

And the, uh, oh.

ah, death and transfiguration.

Don't worry about me.

Uh, if you'll just start, and I'll get the--

I'll get the general drift.

- Last night, Father, I was tormented by an impure thought.

- I can't hear you.

- I said I was tormented by an impure thought.

- Could you-- could you speak up, please?

- I-- it was about Mary.

- What? Louder.

- Mary, I wanted to take her clothes off.

- You wanted to do what? Speak up. I can't hear you!

- I wanted to take her clothes off.

You are mumbling!

- I wanted to take her clothes off

and caress her bumpy bits.

- Her what? - Bits.

Fondly, you know, mmm.

- What? - You know, number three.

And then I wanted to try number 30.

Or-- or-- or maybe do number 15 twice instead.

And then I wanted to take her by the...

( horns honking )

And...

( car horns honking )

Both her-- again and again

until I was exhausted.

But I'm a monk, Father.

What shall I do?

- I didn't hear a damned word you said.

That'll be, uh...

- I'm afraid I only have, uh...

- Two dollars. Here, I will have that.

Uh, have a nice day.

( parishioners muttering )

( clears throat )

( cheering )

- Do you believe in God?

( cheering )

- Announcer: The Church of Divine Profit humbly presents

the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Crusade.

And here he is, God's buddy, A.T.T. himself.

- Do you love God?

- Yes!

- I mean, do you really love God?

- Yes!

- Has He been good to you?

- Yes.

- I thought so.

And have you been good to Him?

- Yes.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

- Liars. - No!

- 'Cause I just spoke to Him, and do you have any idea where He is right now?

- No.

- God is in the hospital.

( crowd gasping )

- In the Intensive Care Unit.

And do you know who put Him there?

- No.

- Y-O-U.

( crowd shouting )

- He-- he looked so pale.

( crying )

- Why are you cryin'?

Isn't that what you wanted?

- No!

- Do you wanna see Him pull through?

- Yes!

- All right. I said to Him, I am your servant, Lord.

What do You want?

Everything, Armageddon, everything.

I need money to put it right.

But what will You give them in return? I queried.

And then He said, I will assure them a place forever

in the kingdom of heaven.

( applause )

- And that's-- and that's rent free.

Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal?

- Yeah!

- Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth.

And I'm not just askin' the people here in the studio audience.

I'm askin' you, you, and you.

( music plays )

- ♪ In God we trust ♪

♪ Invest in Him on high ♪

♪ God's sweetest buy ♪

♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪

♪ Each buck you give ♪

♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪

♪ And shall returneth thee ♪

♪ Ten thousandfold, oh, yes ♪

♪ And shall returneth thee ♪

♪ Ten thousandfold. ♪

( chattering )

- I didn't understand a word he was talking about.

Supposed to be a Christian.

I-- I don't understand.

- This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it?

- It is a bit.

- Well, I think you've had a big day.

And I think you should go to sleep now, okay?

You look sweet in pink.

- Mmm.

I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow.

- You're gonna go see Armageddon?

- Mm-hmm.

When he understands, he'll help.

( Mary sighs )

- Poor Ambrose.

I wonder if God will ever forgive you your virtues.

- Excuse me.

( shower running )

- Good afternoon. I'd-- I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird. I--

- Not today. He's too busy.

- No. I-- I have this letter from--

from the Abbot. - Get out of here.

- I'm-- I'm one of the meek.

I'm supposed to inherit the Earth.

- You've got it.

- You just don't understand, Ambrose.

- I understand I don't understand.

But what don't I understand?

- Well, the meek may inherit the Earth but not

until the strong are finished with it.

And by that time, it won't even be worth having.

- I'll get in to see him finally.

- But it could take weeks.

- I'll get a job in the meantime.

Look, is there anything in the paper?

- Oh, look, Ambrose, listen. - What?

- You don't need to work. I mean, look,

you could come and stay at my place, right?

I really do make enough money for both of us.

- W-- what do you do? - What?

- Well, for a living, what do you do?

- Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that if I were you.

- Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you.

- Well, I could look into it.

- I'm good with my hands.

( chattering in Spanish )

( hammering )

( bell rings )

- Hey. Hey. Come back.

Dr. Melmoth.

Philistine.

- All right, monk.

- All right. I'm going.

- Hi. You look so nauseous.

- Thanks, but I feel rotten.

- Oh, Ambrose, how many times you gonna keep on trying?

- Well, till I get in and see him.

You see, if I could show him the Abbot's letter,

and then I'd-- - I got an idea.

Couldn't you just pray to God for the money?

- No, no.

No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship.

No, I've gotta see him personally.

Mr. Thunderbird will understand. He's a Christian.

- No, being born in a Christian home doesn't necessarily

make you Christian any more than being born

in a bakery makes you a bagel. - Hmm?

- I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested

in your old monastery.

- No, no. If I could get in to see him personally,

I'll get in eventually. I'll get in. I'll get in.

- But it could take months. - All right.

In the meantime, I can just get another job.

I mean, what can I lose?

- Nothing, just another job.

- ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪

♪ Oh, do, dee, da ♪

♪ Every time, do, dee, da, da, dee, la, da, da ♪

♪ Oh, dee, dee, dum, da, dum, dum, da, dee, da, dum, dum... ♪

- Good morning. - Oh, good morning.

- Don't you ever rest?

- I can't afford to lose time.

It's Pasadena by next Wednesday.

That's my schedule.

You know, a man's got to have a goal.

Otherwise, we've got communism.

And I'm tap dancing to keep this great land of ours free.

I'll see you sometime.

- Good luck. - So long.

- Step right up. Step up, sinners.

Step right up and repent.

Do not cop a plea unto the Almighty, saying,

oh, Lord, I'm but a poor sinner.

For the Lord will say unto thee, bullshit, my child.

His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass

He's got you covered, Jim, and you and you.

So step right up and find the Lord, a buck a throw.

Yes, the Lord is here in my hand.

Everyone wants to find the Lord.

The Lord goes into hiding.

And those who seek him will find him.

Where is he now? Try thy luck.

Find the Lord. Who will find the Lord?

It's a wonderful game. Everybody wins.

Everybody goes to heaven.

Try thy luck, a lousy buck to find the Lord.

Aha.

Ah, yes, sir, and now where is he?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

The Lord is not there, but a blessing to you, too.

The game continues.

Try thy luck.

- Dr. Melmoth. He stole my money.

- Excuse me. - He's a thief.

- This man is a heretic. Don't listen to him.

He's obviously deranged.

- Stop him. Stop him. He's a thief.

Give me my money back.

- Get outta here.

Fanatic. Vegetarian!

I'll keep up the Lord's work.

- Oh, oof. - And get away from me.

Get away from me, you Moabite, you snake worshipper.

Ah. Ooh.

And a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence.

( Ambrose grunts )

- In the name-- in the name of all that's sacred,

let me up, you little asshole.

- You should be disgusted with yourself.

- Oh, I am. I am. I am.

Pray for me.

Let thy hand, which is raised in violence,

clasp its brother and, in heavenly supplication, even as I do,

Father, forgive him, for he knoweth not what he doeth.

Forgive me even more, for I knoweth.

( grunts )

- Take that, monk.

( bus engine starts )

- Wait for me. Stop. Wait for me!

Of course I forgive you.

But I still don't know what I'm doing here.

- Well, look, I'm-- I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime,

a full partnership in my church for nothing.

- Why me?

- Because you have a certain quality,

a kind of eerie innocence.

People look at you, and they have to believe

there's a better world somewhere.

Besides, I'm slowing down.

- Well, could I make enough money to save the monastery?

I need $5,000. - But, of course.

- What have I got to lose?

- Partners. - Partners.

- Ha.

( "I've Been Working On the Railroad" plays )

( horn honks )

( chatter )

- Ambrose, hi.

What are you doing here?

- Well, thought we could go out tonight and celebrate.

- I just can't.

( horn honks )

Listen, I'm really sorry.

But it's just, you know, Friday night.

And then, you know, it's my big night.

And I just...

( honking continues )

I-- I couldn't-- I mean, I couldn't just-- I mean,

I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know.

- Look.

You look-- you look lovely.

- Oh, Ambrose, that is so beautiful.

- Shall we go? - I'm sorry. I can't.

- Yeah, I understand.

I mean, if you'd rather be here with your friends,

well, hey, that's okay. I can...

- I'll see you later, okay? - See you later. Yeah.

- Okay. I'll see you later. - Okay.

( honking )

- Where are we going?

- Oh, well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission, and I--

- I've had it now. Come on.

It's all right. Come on, baby.

- Stop it! - Come on.

- No, you stop that.

- Excuse me, sir.

That was very rude.

I'm sure you didn't mean it.

Now, according to, uh, Timothy,

chapter 2, verse 25, be gentle unto all men.

But, of course, that means all women, too.

( grunts )

- Oh, what are you doing to him?

- Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew.

Thou shalt love thy enemies.

In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

- You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you.

- Take the gospel according to St. Mark.

Now, it isn't me you're hurting. It's you.

It's your soul that's in pain, your immortal soul.

Excuse me, sir.

On the other hand, there's the Old Testament.

David and Goliath.

- You just don't really understand is that

you can't always have everything just the way you want it.

You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds,

but it's the only damn one we've got.

That's what my Pop used to say anyway.

- What was he like, your Pop?

- I don't remember much about him, except his legs.

He had an angel flying up his right leg

and he had a devil crawling down his left leg

and disappearing into his sock.

- Huh?

- Tattoo.

- Oh. - He had tattoos.

- Oh.

- He ran out on us when I was three, so....

- At least you know who your father was.

I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep.

There was just a little note.

"Attached child is a gift from God.

P.S. Please return to sender."

- You-- you don't, uh, have to sleep

in the other room if you don't want to tonight.

I mean, you know you could stay in here with me if you like.

- Excuse me.

- For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord make us truly thankful.

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah. ♪

- Good morning.

Morning.

( Mary moans )

Morning?

- Good morning. Hi.

- Surprise.

Remember, the first night we met, you said you liked it.

- Oh, right.

Aw, thank-- oh, look.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. So good.

- Not too much mustard?

- Mm-mm.

I am so full.

Mmm.

( chuckles )

Mmm.

- Listen, um, about last night, uh,

did I, um, did we...

- Mm-hmm.

We went through the whole menu.

( chuckles )

You may check off items number one through 75.

- Did I really do all that?

- Yeah. Well, not in one go. Let me put it this way.

See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time.

But you got to 72 while I was still, you know,

hangin' around number nine.

But that's just a technicality.

- No, I'm sorry. - No, don't be silly.

You know, nice guys sometimes finish first.

Just think of it as a sin of emission.

- You've done this before, haven't you?

I can tell.

- You could tell? How?

- You kept screaming, get to 11, get to 11.

- Did I do that?

- Get to 11, yeah.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just, well, I guess number 11

has always been one of my favorites.

Listen, Ambrose, I don't wanna upset you, but...

- What?

- I have to be honest with you.

- What?

- I'm a hooker.

- Well, I know. - A harlot.

- I know.

- I'm like a whore from your Bible.

- Yeah, I know. - You know?

- I worked it out.

- And you're not shocked?

- About what?

- That-- me being a hooker.

- No.

It's just the outside world is nothing like anything

I was taught in the monastery.

I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know.

- So you mean you do have doubts, huh?

- Mm, doubts are about the only certainties

I have right now, you know?

- So then you'll be going, uh, back to the monastery?

- Eventually, yeah.

I mean, it's my home.

- When are you gonna go?

- After I see Mr. Thunderbird.

Well, I suppose I better get dressed.

By the way, um, I think I love you.

Do you mind?

- Heh.

Do I mind?

- Potsville, the string cheese capital of the world.

- Aha. Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind.

( music on PA system )

- Good afternoon, idle sinners of Potsville.

Salvation is at hand.

Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls

through the Good Book.

- Good afternoon, voters of Potsville.

Let Mayor Dwork bring peace to your city

through law and order.

I say-- I say put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare.

- For their welfare is my concern, sayeth the Lord.

For the Lord's way is the way of right.

The Lord is coming through.

- Like hell he is. He hasn't got right-of-way.

He don't give preference over the Grand Old Party.

Back off, lard-ass.

- Up thine, Brother.

- Yeah? You gonna move that heap of crap?

- No.

Okay. So it's dirty pool you want.

Well, the Lord knows that game, too.

All right. It's God versus democracy.

Yee-haw.

- Commie Jesus freaks!

- Yee-haw!

- All right, Cox.

God wins every time.

( yells )

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching on to war ♪

- ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪

♪ Going on before ♪

♪ Amen ♪

- And now, sinners, when ye entered herein,

did ye not turn unto yeselves and say,

why has he locked the door?

I'll tell you why.

Because it is too easy to turn from the Lord and run.

Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run.

No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush.

Aye, who's that?

Why, who could that be?

Why, it's Moses himself.

( applause )

( organ music plays "Hava Nagila" )

- Let's hear it for him, wonderful Biblical prophet.

What happened to you when you saw the burning bush?

- I was God-struck. - You were what?

- God-struck.

- You mean you were dumbstruck, dummy.

- Well, that's what I thought I said.

- Seriously-- seriously, that concludes-- thank you.

- ( applause ) - Whew.

And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show.

And, uh, for the next segment, uh, we shall all join

little Moses in singing "We Shall Gather by the River"

whilst I partake of some communion wine

and a very fine Puerto Ricanyo cigar simultaneously.

Thank you. Thank you.

( coughs )

( snores )

- Hit it, Professor.

- ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪

♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪

♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪

♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪

♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪

♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪

♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪

♪ Flowing by the throne of God ♪

♪ We shall gather at the river ♪

♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪

♪ Gather with the saints at the river that flows ♪

♪ By the throne of God ♪

♪ We shall gather at the river ♪

♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪

♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪

♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪

( bell rings )

♪ That flows by the throne of God... ♪

♪ Amen ♪

( bell ringing )

- Taped this for you earlier, A.T.T.

We thought you might be interested.

- In Peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake.

There's news of a train crash in Turkey which killed 400.

But it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow

with temperatures in the high '70s, so mostly it's good news.

On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in Orange County.

Fortunately, nobody was hurt,

but one of the promoters in this scheme,

a Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, here seen baptizing the survivors,

described it as an act of God and said

he's considering suing God's business manager, the Pope.

His partner, a Brother Ambrose, an alleged monk,

was not available for comments.

- Prayer mobiles.

- Thought we'd just run it up the Crucifix and see who genuflects.

- Mobile churches, covering the whole country,

just think of it, the whole country.

You can fool some of the people all the time

and those are the sons of bitches we gonna get.

Now we could have every sinner's balls in our hands.

Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for

will be G.O.D.'s decision.

- Uh, Miss Milligan?

- We can have Miss Milligan here prepare some ballpark figures on the scheme.

- Oh, well, yes.

- You'll get back to us on it?

- Yeah-- yeah, soonest, soonest, soonest.

I have a one o'clock with G.O.D., you know,

huddles and confab.

Uh, it'll be numero uno on the agenda.

I'm comin', G.O.D.

Thy will be done.

Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust,

who adviseth me and all the workings

His great conglomerate,

C.D.P., consider this proposition.

- Approved.

But you cannot be everywhere.

We need a disciple to lead our crusade,

somebody pure, devout, without a record,

someone a Congressional committee wouldn't suspect.

- Dost thou have someone in mind, O Mighty One?

- Ask thyself, and it shall answer thee.

- The monk?

You believe he could--

- Consider the bears in the wood.

Crappeth, they not?

Of course, the monk, you dumb schmuck.

( knock on door )

- I saw it on the news. Are you all right?

- I-- I'm all right.

Yes, uh, Dr. Melmoth's a bit--

well, we stopped at a few bars.

- Oh. Okay.

Why don't you, uh, put him to sleep there,

and I'll get some black coffee.

- Yeah.

( grunts )

( groans )

- When I was in the water back there, I was drowning.

My whole life flashed before my eyes,

and I wasn't in it.

( sobs )

- Whoa.

( groans )

- Okay. The coffee's almost ready.

I hope he likes drip.

- It's no use.

- Listen, you can start again.

- No, it's too late. I'm too old.

- No.

- I had talent once. I-- I had ambition.

I had-- I had hands.

I had wonderful hands.

I could have been somebody.

I could have been a Bishop.

I could have preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors.

Instead, here I am selling Lazarus dolls in the suburbs.

- Yeah, well, may-- maybe they'll help some people.

- That ain't it.

I could have said mass, instead of being a bum.

Face it. I'm a bum.

And now, I'll work on my sermon.

- Could I-- - I'll sleep now.

For tomorrow's sermon... - Sleep.

- Tomorrow's sermon...

- Here you go.

( pounding on door )

- Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Is anybody there?

( thunder )

- Mr. Thunderbird.

- He.

- I've been tryin' to see you for months.

I have this letter from the Abbot.

It's about the mortgage on the monastery.

- I know. - You know?

- I have the mortgage deed to your monastery.

It will be yours in good time.

God spake unto me of this even this day.

- God-- God speaks to you?

- Spake. - Spake.

God spakes, uh, talks to you personally with-- with words?

- Of course.

- Well, I mean, I-- I-- spake-- I speak with Him.

But, you know, when You're busy,

and You're a celebrity, I suppose you don't really

have much time to...

- Oh, He listens.

We speak of you often.

You know, He's very fond of you, Ambrose.

- I-- I feel the same way about Him. I--

- You see, everything in your life has been

leading up to this moment.

God has chosen you, Brother Ambrose,

to lead his nationwide mobile crusade.

- Me?

He-- He-- He mentioned me s-- specifically?

- You.

And you shall be rewarded.

Is not the laborer worthy of His hire?

- Look, Mr. Thunderbird, um, may-- may I--

may I be honest with you?

- Why surely.

- You see, in your-- in your services,

all you do is-- is talk about money.

I thought virtue was its own reward.

- Of course it is.

That's why it doesn't attract the top talent.

- But the Bible, God's book,

says we should share the money equally.

- Wrong.

If God had not meant for some people to be poorer than others,

then He would not have published the Bible in paperback.

- I-- I-- just can't believe that life is only money.

- Money is life.

It is the lack of it which is the real evil.

Who feedeth the hungry?

Is it manna from heaven

or fried chicken from Kentucky?

Who clotheth the naked?

Is it J.C.?

Or is it J.C. Penney?

And what will save your wretched monastery?

A miracle?

Or $5,000 cash?

- It's true.

- Oh, no, my friend.

Money is clean.

Money is beautiful.

Money is holy.

I need it to support my hospitals,

my charities, my worthy causes.

You shall go forth and gather it in.

That is what God has chosen you for.

( thunder )

- ♪ In God we trust ♪

♪ Invest in Him on high ♪

♪ God's sweetest buy ♪

♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪

♪ Though stocks may fall ♪

♪ And worldly shares may crash ♪

♪ Our share of heaven's safe ♪

♪ In good hard cash ♪

♪ Give unto Him ♪

♪ The money's heaven spent ♪

♪ All loans at banks ♪

♪ Yield six or seven percent ♪

♪ Each buck you give ♪

♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪

♪ And shall returneth thee ♪

♪ Ten thousandfold ♪

♪ His hand that made ♪

♪ The Earth and sky and sea ♪

♪ Now reacheth forth ♪

♪ For its gratuity ♪

♪ Shouldst thou walk by ♪

♪ And treat Him like a bum ♪

♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪

♪ In Kingdom come ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪

♪ In Kingdom come. ♪

- Ambrose.

- Ah, turn around

and don't open your eyes 'till I tell you.

- That's funny.

I was just about to ask you to do the same thing.

- All right.

Surprise.

( cork pops )

- To your little misconception.

( chuckles )

- Well, why not? - No.

- Why? Why-- why not? - No.

What if it turns out to be a girl?

- Well, Armageddon could be a girl's name, couldn't it?

- You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, Ambrose.

But you come in here.

You're wearing a cockamamie silk dress.

- It's not a dress. It's a robe.

Armageddon said it would be good for the whole--

- Armageddon says, Armageddon says.

All you give me are his words.

I don't want anything that's been in his mouth.

You have swallowed all this crap that Armageddon's fed you.

Well, it's true. And you are what you eat.

- Mr. Melmoth, would you explain--

- I don't need him to explain it to me.

- Look, now just leave me outta this.

I don't want any hassle.

I just want peace in my old age.

- Well, tell her about Armageddon's charities, about his hospitals.

He's doing God's work.

- Horseshit. He's doin' Armageddon's work.

It's a rip-off. It's big business.

It's-- - You can't just say that.

What-- what-- what proof-- - Proof?

- Yeah. - There is no proof.

But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is.

- Why did you wait till now before you told me?

- Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

That's why. - Feelings.

- And I thought maybe he'll figure this one out for himself.

- Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of God.

If this is true, you just sit here, and you just accept it?

- Look, get outta my face, will ya, monk?

Just leave me alone.

You're like some holy Jiminy Cricket.

You're damn right I accept it.

This may not be the best of all possible worlds,

but it's the only world we've got.

So don't make waves.

Because, unlike Jesus, we can't walk on 'em.

- Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place?

- Correction.

You opened your mouth in the first place.

I opened my mouth in the second place.

Look, I couldn't take being born again.

At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains.

Monk off.

- Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust,

there's somethin' I wanna ask you about.

Now, You and I have made millions together, right?

- Check.

- How much do we own?

- Bottom line?

- Yes, bottom line.

- 10,342,000.08 net.

- Uh-huh.

Well-- well, now that's how much we own.

But You know money can't buy happiness.

Only power can do that.

Who do we own?

- Five senators, 14 congressmen, two Supreme Court judges,

12 assorted missile manufacturers,

and an ex-president, net.

- Well, then today, on my telecast--

- The time is right.

The country is ready for a strong leader.

May God go with you.

- But You are God.

- Oh, so I am.

Correction.

May I go with you.

Good luck with your show.

And break a leg, kid.

- Amen.

( humming )

I love you all very, very much.

( mumbles )

- God?

Are You-- are You God?

- Who do you think I am?

Does not G.O.D. spell God, peckerhead?

- But you're a computer.

- Of course, bunny rabbit.

- It's just that I thought if you appeared,

it would be a-- a burning bush or--

or an elderly man with a white beard.

- Hey, what do you want, impersonations?

I'm Supreme technological being.

I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to.

Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up.

( thunder )

- Pretty scary, huh?

( laughs )

Now what is it you want to know?

Be brief. I cost a fortune to run.

God's time is money, profit, power.

- You mean you have no moral sense?

- I wasn't programmed for morality.

- Then it's about time you were.

- What do you got there?

- Uh, I want you to concentrate, God, because I'm going

to convert you to Christianity.

- Christian, uh, will it hurt?

- In the beginning was the word.

- See, now, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned.

I mean, well, for all we know, Ambrose may be--

oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be.

Oh.

- Here, here. Relax.

- See, he never goes anywhere without saying where he's going.

I mean, that just goes without saying.

( drum roll on TV )

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Christmas Special.

- Now, he's only been gone an hour.

So there's no point in panicking yet.

It's much too early.

- I like to panic early and avoid the rush.

Do you mind? - Here, in a tribute, to this, the holiest of seasons,

are the Thunderbirdettes.

- ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪

♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jesus ♪

♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪

- And many happy returns for Easter.

- And here's our own Virgin Mary Ogden.

♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪

- ♪ What did you get for God? ♪

- ♪ It's not the thought, it's the gift that counts ♪

♪ And money makes the world go 'round in large amounts ♪

- ♪ So send Him some cash for Christmas ♪

♪ To show Him how grateful you are ♪

- ♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

- ♪ Remember while you're resting ♪

♪ He's on double time today ♪

- ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪

♪ So, for God's sake, give something to God ♪

♪ Yes, go and give something to get up and give something ♪

♪ To get out and give something to G.O.D. ♪

♪ Get out and give something ♪

♪ To God. ♪

( applause )

( drum roll )

( cheering )

- G.O.D.,

three little words,

three little letters that simply mean I love you.

- And the Lord said, let there be light.

And there was light.

- God. Woo!

- And you did it.

- Anything I say goes.

( chuckles )

- Then you had a son. - I did?

- You did. - Where is he?

- He went away. - That's kids for you.

Are you gonna read the stuff about when I created the world?

- Yeah, yeah...

- Yeah, with the fire and stuff like that.

And the loaves and the fish, yes, I love that one.

- You like that one. Yeah, yeah.

- And opening the sea and Moses and the guy that got lost.

- Opening the sea, yeah. Okay.

- I love that. Read more.

- All right.

- Now I just spoke to him, and he wants me to tell

all of you that the Holy Trinity was only

the first of God's conglomerates.

( crowd shouting )

- And then he begat, I.T.T., and then I.B.M.

Then F.B.I., M.C.A.,

K.K.K., R.C.A.,

G.M.C., U.S.A., C.D.P.

( cheering, applause )

- C.D.P.,

the Church of Divine Profit.

( cheering )

- All of God's great creations are three in number.

( congregation murmurs )

- And then he said unto me, Armageddon,

what this country needs is a three-party political system.

( crowd shouts )

- You see, God's own party for God's own country.

( applause, cheering )

Big business made this country great.

Let big business run it.

( cheering )

G.O.D. for president.

- That's the end.

Do you think you've got it?

- I had no idea God was such a great guy.

- Oh, of course he is.

I think millions of people all over the world read the Bible.

- Millions of people?

- Yeah. The Bible sells almost as well as Harold Robbins.

- You mean I got fans? - Everywhere.

- Woo!

I, uh...

( clears throat )

Have a great responsibility to my public.

- Well, now, you're in charge of everything

and everybody Armageddon owns, right?

- Yeah.

- All his computers are connected to me

and they move all on my instructions without hesitation.

- Well, let's go to work, God.

- Now, press my green button.

- Yeah.

( computer beeps )

- We're in business.

About 45 seconds,

the meek are going to inherit this Earth.

- Because it says right here, in words of flame and fire,

for ye shall seek him. - Crowd: Seek.

- And ye shall hail him. - Crowd: Hail.

- Seek him. - Crowd: Seek.

- Hail him. - Crowd: Hail.

- Seek him. - Crowd: Seek.

- Hail him. - Crowd: Hail.

- Seek, hail, seek, hail,

seek, hail, seek, hail.

Seek, hail, seek, hail

seek, hail, seek, hail...

( chanting continues )

( phone buzzes )

( gasps )

- ♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ His truth is ♪

♪ Marching on. ♪

- And so I say unto you, spontaneously

and without forethought,

a vote for A.T.T. is vote for G.O.D.

The sign of the cross on your ballot paper

because, even now, that little freak

is upstairs screwing around with G.O.D.

( congregation gasps ) - What?

Holy shit, that son of a bitch monk.

Who let him upstairs?

I'll kill him. I'll strangle him.

Who's screwin' around with G.O.D.?

Who let him upstairs?

Did you let him in the office?

Why'd you let him in the office?

- For God's sake, can't you go any faster?

- Sure, I can, but not in this damn bus.

- And do you have to drink like that?

- I can never, uh, drive sober.

Terrifies me.

- Is that angel growing up outta your left leg?

- Yes, I, uh, I had it done in San Diego

while I was on a Bible-- - And, uh, on your other leg, do you have Satan

disappearing down into your sock?

- Well, how do you know that?

- Do you know who you are?

- Not for several decades.

- You're my father.

I'm your daughter.

- That's preposterous.

I-- I've been celibate since I was in the third grade.

I-- I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman.

- You son of a bitch.

- ( music plays over PA system ) - You drunken alcoholic.

You're just a broad-chasing child deserter.

- I probably am your father.

Bastard son of a bitch.

Child and wife deserter?

The description fits. It's me.

- That's almost it.

There's just the biggie left.

- What's that?

- Oh, the whole ball o' wax.

There's 5 million bucks in laundered money.

Now, type this out.

( overlapping dialogue )

- ...and overlay. Right.

- Hit the red button.

- W-- what's the red button for?

- Don't ask questions, dummy.

Hit the red button.

- All right.

( computer beeps )

( alarm beeps )

- Where is he? Where is he?

Don't just stand there.

Get an axe. Break the door down.

Kill the bastard.

Get him. Get the little bastard.

( shouting )

- ♪ There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me... ♪

- Come on. Break it down.

Break it down. I want him.

All right. Now, step aside.

I want him.

( thunder )

( whimpers )

- I'm gonna kill you. You understand me?

I'm gonna kill you.

( shouting )

- Smite him in the gut.

- Oh!

Get him. Get him!

Get him! Someone!

- Oh, God, in whom we trust,

what hath the little bastard done unto thee?

- ♪ I did it my way ♪

- You rotten goody-goody.

You'll never work in this town again.

Why you...

( whimpers )

- Oh!

- Where-- where is everybody?

Where's Hawk and Dove?

Where are my people?

Where's the schmuck bastard monk?

- Oh, my God, that's Ambrose.

- [ bell ringing ] - Go on. Move it outta there.

- Mary: Ambrose!

- Come on, come on!

Come over here. Come on!

Follow that monk.

( grunts )

- Mary: Ambrose!

Ambrose, we're coming.

Just hold on.

( sirens blaring )

- Get in the car. Come on. Let's go. Let's go!

( tires screech )

( semi truck honks )

( sirens blaring )

( gasps )

- Melmoth: Hang on, Brother Ambrose.

Hang on.

Make an act of perfect contrition.

- Whoa!

( engines rev )

- Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose.

I know You don't do miracles anymore,

so I'll see You in about five seconds.

- All right, vengeance is mine.

Ram him. Ram that son of a bitch.

- Come on.

- A fly ball in the outfield of the Lord.

Don't worry, Jesus never makes an error.

He will catch thee.

Angels are cheering.

- Have a nice day.

( monks chanting )

- Do you, Ambrose, take this woman,

Mary, to be your lawful wedded wife?

- I do.

- You don't mind marrying a hooker?

- Mm, not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk.

- I have nothing against mixed marriages.

The only trouble is, which way do you bring up the kids?

I now pronounce you

man, wife, and child.

You may, uh, kiss the bride.

- Chopped liver.

( "The Wedding March" plays )

- ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪

♪ He said That God's not even with us, ♪

♪ He said that God is really dead ♪

♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪

♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪

♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪

♪ Now, I said Good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪

♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪

♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪

♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪

♪ He made it possible for me to be here to say ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Instrumental ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ If faith is faced, and that's a must ♪

♪ It's easier to put your trust in ♪

♪ Uh, you know what I mean, God ♪

♪ God, oh, God ♪

♪ Oh, Marty, what have you done? ♪

♪ Good for God ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

♪ Good ♪

♪ Good for God. ♪

- God bless you.