All language subtitles for Eastbound.and.Down.S04E07.720p.BluRay.x264-DEMAND

Merry Christmas.

Some say change is
the hardest thing in the world.

Whoo.

They say that whoever you are, you're stuck
being that person till you're dead.

The transformation from worm to butterfly
is nature's ultimate metamorphosis.

The change into your ultimate self is easy
when there's no other option.

You look back at the past,
at the man you were,

and you're like, "Man, fuck that little bitch.
Fuck that bitchass life."

Then you peer into the future's mist
and get just a glance of the future you,

all strong and rich,
getting your fucking come up,

and you're like, "Aw, hell, yeah.

"That's the motherfucking man I'm becoming.
That's the fucking man I wants to be."

'Cause a real man knows
there's only one direction to face

and that's fucking forward.

Whoo! God damn!

Don't hog the sneeze, bro. Let me in there.

Get in there, motherfucker. Come on.

Ugh. Disgusting, dude.
You got your chin in it.

- What?
- Gross.

I'm sorry, man.
I'm still trying to figure out these dimensions.

That is a pretty bold chin.

Better be bold.
Cost me 50 Gs for this motherfucker.

Speaking of Gs, I was wondering,

is there gonna be
a Christmas bonus this year?

- Christmas bonus?
- Yeah. I'm just saying,

between this chin and Maria's titties,

I can't afford Christmas gifts
for my kids, unfortunately.

You don't have any money
to buy your kids gifts?

Yeah, I miscalculated.

Man, you better chill with
that Bob Cratchit bullshit.

Don't be acting like you don't
get paid handsomely, all right?

That shit's gonna piss me off.

Don't trip. I'm just asking. Geez.

Do I got any coke boogers up my nose?

No. Do I got any coke on my chin?

Yeah, dude. Your goddamn
whole thing's covered in it.

Looks like the fucking tip of Mount Everest.

May I have everyone's attention, please?
Gather round.

Get your dicks outta your hands.
Come on. Gather round.

Your new leader has an announcement.

Make a path. Make a path.

Make a path.

Good day, everyone.

Ratings are in the shitter.

We all knew that Guy Young's
racist diatribe was gonna hurt us all.

But as your new leader, I promise you

that I will turn this
fucking sinking ship around

with the help of the Sesh Christmas Special.

Sound team, I'm gonna need
you guys to cut together

a symphony of farts.
I need it to be hilarious, okay?

Casting, I'd like you to find me an array
of young beautiful women to be my reindeer.

Wardrobes, I'd like you to create
some reindeer suits with the titties cut out.

Hold on. What's all this shit?

Why we fucking with the formula?
Guy Young did it right.

He had us doing a silly little version of
Twelve Days of Christmas

- and that shit was dope.
- It was dope? Really? Guy Young?

He's a racist, Jimmy.

Being racist, it's far from dope, dudes.

I defeated Guy Young.
So that makes me the HNIC.

If anybody has any problems with that,

well, you can direct your inquiries
to Billy and/or Trent.

Y'all wanna fuck with two dudes wearing
Wilsons Leather black fucking coats?

None of you wanna fuck
with this Wilsons Leather shit.

Great. Beautiful.

I can't wait to see
what we do together, all right?

This Christmas show's gonna be spectacular.

Thank you for your time.
Get back to work, please.

Everyone, back to work! Back to work!
There's nothing more to see here!

You're on the clock.

Let's make this quick. My client's a busy man.

Okay. On behalf of Mrs. Powers,
I have outlined a temporary arrangement

which gives April Powers access to half
of the assets of the family accounts.

On behalf of Mr. Powers,
we decline the arrangement.

Excuse me?

Jared, break 'em off something.
Tell 'em what's good.

Mrs. Powers is denied access to all assets
till a settlement has been reached

or the filing has been withdrawn.

Kenny, you took all the money
out of the joint account?

Nah, April. Jared did. Motherfucker's cray.

Can he do that?

Mr. Powers is also sole title holder
on the family vehicles.

Nice work, Benjamin.

You better get used to walking, muchacha.

Kenny, can I talk to you outside?

Very well.

What's wrong, April? Your little storybook
divorce getting all fucked up?

- This isn't fair, Kenny.
- I know it's not fair.

My legal dream team is
long-dicking you up the butt.

I'll spend every penny I have
to win this divorce. Do you hear me?

Can't we just be adults about this?

- Think about the kids, Kenny.
- Oh, I'm thinking about the kids.

I'm thinking about how
I'm gonna turn 'em against you.

Wait till Christmas. Then we'll see who gets
them the better presents.

I wanted to talk to you about that.

I was thinking that you could
celebrate with them on the 23rd.

- The fucking 23rd?
- Yeah.

You selfish little trollop.

How dare you keep those children
from me on Christmas morn?

Those children are gonna be devastated.

They are so upset
about so many things, Kenny.

They're upset about Dakota.
They keep talking about him.

I don't understand how
it got outta the garage, by the way.

Well, don't you be looking
at me all accusatory.

All right? I don't know how the fuck
he got outta the garage either.

Maybe he fucking used
an ancient Navajo fucking wolf warp.

Kenny, please.

This is a nightmare right now.
There has to be a more simple way.

- There has to be.
- Well, I know a simple way.

- Okay, what?
- Call it off, April.

Fucking let me come back
to the house and all this will go away.

You and I can just call this shit a draw.

I can't.

I want out.

Very well, then.

I want you to remember
that this is what you wanted.

Remember it...

When I beat you.

Merry Chri-ma.

Going through
a divorce is the shit, dude.

- Hey.
- Aw, yeah.

Hey, lady.

I'm seeing a lot of looks out here.

- Ooh, look at her.
- Kristi Yamaguchi?

Nah. Kristi Yama-gonna-fuck-you.

Ooh, yeah.

I gotta tell you, man, if I can win Christmas,
April's gonna be fucked.

- So what's the move, dog?
- I'll tell you the move.

I found out all the presents
April's getting the kids for Christmas,

I'm gonna get the same exact ones.
Fuck her shit all up.

Hope you saved them receipts, April,
'cause you taking that shit back to the store.

- That bitch is gonna feel dumb as hell, dog.
- God damn, dude.

Stop calling her a bitch, all right?
Technically we're still married.

I mean, I don't call your wife a bitch.

Okay. I have called her a bitch before, but...

Yeah, April's different. She's a white person.

Must be nice, you know,

being able to buy your kids
everything they want for Christmas.

Or just anything at all, really.

It is.

You know, I was thinking, since we won't
be opening gifts Christmas morning,

I'll have some extra time and maybe
you could let me read your screenplay.

Look, Stevie, I appreciate the fact that
you are interested in my life's story,

but you're not reading it, all right?

You think Tom Cruise or Vin Diesel
goes around letting

just any Tom, Dick or Jay Leno
read their fucking screenplays?

No. They don't.

Chin up, Stevie.
I'm sure you'll figure out something.

Get it? Chin up. 'Cause you got a new chin.

Morning, sir.

What the hell are you two doing
loitering in this fancy hotel?

Uh, well, actually, we came because
we're really worried about you, Kenny.

We know that you're going
through a rough patch

and just don't want you to harm yourself.

What the hell do you think I'm gonna do?
Put a gun in my mouth?

Give me a fucking break.

I ain't going through a rough patch, Cassie.

What we got going on here?

One, two, three, four, five,
six, infinity and beyond.

That's right.
Still fucking rich as hell. Still on TV.

Still living in the fucking presidential suite
in the middle of downtown Charlotte.

I'd say shit's going pretty good.

I meant with your marriage.

I would really like it if you would come
spend Christmas with us, Kenny.

Um, I thought it might be fun
to go caroling together as a family.

You can fucking catch me dead
before I goddamn go caroling, all right?

That shit's for Christians and retards.

You've got lonely eyes, Kenny. I can see it.

Not lonely. Just went on
a fucking coke binge last night.

- I'm tired.
- Okay.

While Little Jack Horner over there's
sitting in the corner being a bitch.

- You're not making much of an effort, Dustin.
- I'm here, ain't I?

Isn't it funny?
This played out exactly how I said it would.

You're gonna change your heart.
You're gonna wanna come back to me

and by that time I'm gonna be rich
and famous, you little Christmas starfucker.

See? What'd I tell you.
Rich or poor, Kenny,

you're still an asshole!

Whatevs.

Merry fucking Christmas, Cassie.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Okay, everybody.
We're going to do a half-speed rehearsal

with the necessary adjustments.

You've been fucking up all day
and you're not that pretty.

You are not that pretty.

- So you need to dance harder.
- Hey, yo.

- Why we gotta sit way the fuck back here?
- And cue the music.

Aw, yeah. Y'all know what it is.

It's time for another Sports Sesh.

And now, your host, Kenny Powers.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Okay, that's not obviously far enough.
The fucking "X" marks the spot, people.

What the fuck? Can't I get anybody
who can do simple fucking wire work?

Jesus Christ!

Stagecraft, people. Come on.

Back to one. We're doing it again.

- Back to one, people. Back to one.
- Jesus.

Hey, Kenny, Kenny.
Let me holla at you for a minute.

Jimmy, what the fuck do you want?
Don't you see I'm up here floating like a god?

Come on. Shit ain't gotta be that complicated.

Yo, why can't we just have our families on
like we normally do?

Because, Jimmy, it's the 21 st century.

Everyone doesn't have
fucking families, okay?

No more suggestions from you.

- Come on, let's do this.
- Yo, fuck you, man.

Don't do that. Don't talk down to me like that.

Are you challenging me?
Are you motherfucking challenging me?

I'm trying to talk to you like a man, fool.

Who the fuck you calling a fool, huh? Me?

You know what? Fuck this shit. I'm out, man.

I quit this motherfucker. Fuck you.

- Give me your parking pass.
- Man, fuck you.

Give me your parking pass right now,
it's for employees only.

- God damn it!
- Fuck you.

- I need your parking pass.
- I have never worked with a group of people

so unprofessional before.

- In all my years of stage work...
- Kenny, man.

You know, maybe you should
take some time off, man.

Work on your marriage and stuff.

No. Hey, don't fucking get involved
in my personal business, all right?

Get back in line!
Know your place, Rodney, you little bitch.

You know what? Fuck you, man.

- I quit.
- Rodney, you can't quit. Come on, man!

This is the Christmas show, man.
What the fuck?

You can't quit on the Christmas show.

- You give me your parking pass.
- Rodney, get back here!

I need your parking pass. Employees only.

Aw, yeah. You guys are kicking ass
opening up these presents.

Must be because you're so loose and limber
from that massage, huh?

Little helper, why don't you bring
your little ass on over here

and bring Shayna another gift, please?
Thank you very much.

All right, Shayna.

I guarantee you Mom will not get you
anything as fancy as this shit.

Woo. Look at that, huh? That's from Tiffany's.

That's the fucking Jazz Age
Glamour Collection.

Look into little helper's video camera

and say, "I love Daddy more than Mommy."

- I love you more than Mom.
- Yeah, that felt real.

Fucking, stop trying to Francois Truffaut
this bullshit, motherfucker.

You ain't in the DGA.
Just zoom in and shut the fuck up.

Toby, what's up with you, Toby-Tobs?

- You digging that Rolex, huh?
- Yeah.

You don't seem too impressed.

That shit was $6,000, son. That's rose gold.

- I was hoping you would find Dakota.
- Dakota?

You said we would have anything we wanted
and that's Dakota.

Y'all are gonna sit here and cry about a wolf
when I got Nobu catering this shit?

Seared ahi tuna, wagyu beef tacos.

I hired a goddamn dwarf.

But why did he leave?

Well... I don't know.
I don't understand the ways of the wolf.

I just... Maybe he had
other cool stuff he had to do, you know?

He couldn't be tied down.

Maybe he's got big dreams.
Maybe he's meant to be a star.

Did he leave 'cause he hated us?

Nah, Toby. No. He doesn't hate you.
He loves you guys.

Little helper, you're fucking
freaking my kids out.

Get the fuck out of here. Come on. Go.

Go. Get the fuck out of here.

- Merry fucking Christmas.
- Hey!

You want me to crack you in your face?

I'll smash your fucking teeth in.
Merry Christmas, motherfucker.

Children. This way.

Quickly, quickly. Come on. Right this way.

Hey, Kenny. What are you doing here?

Hey, mind your own business, all right?

Don't start any trouble, Kenny. Come on.

Hey! Don't get live with me, Gene.
I know Kenpo.

- Back in your house.
- What is going on out here?

Kenny! Why are the kids wearing veils?

Because, April, I'm a celebrity.

I'm trying to protect their identity
from the paparazzi.

- Did you guys have fun?
- Yeah!

Yeah, you bet your ass they had fun.

I got 'em every single thing
on their Christmas list,

so good luck finding 'em
something they're gonna like.

- That's so great.
- Yeah. I know it's great.

Toby, would you please
take your sister inside?

I wanna talk to Daddy alone. Thank you.

- Love you guys.
- Love you.

Here. It's something I found at Marshalls.
It reminded me of, um, you.

Hmm.

I didn't get you anything.

I just figured that the whole tradition
of buying each other presents

was flushed down the toilet
like our marriage vows.

You know I hate fighting with you.

Oh, I can imagine.
I wouldn't wanna fight with me either.

I mean, let's see.
I whooped your ass at Christmas,

and I'm whooping your ass in this divorce.

Just admit I beat you
and then I'll come right back.

Why do you wanna come back?

You were miserable.

Maybe this is for the best.

To bet... Just not...

I mean, just not being together?

Yeah, well, I mean,
you're pretty much driving this train, so,

if you're happy in which
the direction the train is traveling.

'Cause I already have said
things about me being happy

so kinda seems like
you're the one who's, you know...

Whatever. I'm not gonna argue
this shit now. It's Christmastime.

Feliz Navidad, April.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck.

God damn it.

This place is hemorrhaging cash, Stevie.

I'm going through a divorce right now, man.

I can't afford to be wasting money
on this shit.

Just be patient, okay? Give Maria's tits
some time to work their magic.

Only magic trick they're doing is making
my goddamn money disappear.

It's time to cut our losses.

- Girls, ladies, attentions.
- What?

Tits ladies, I am officially
closing Taters 'N' Tits.

Please return your uniforms
to the appropriate offices.

And you won't be getting paid
for today, I'm sorry.

You didn't finish your complete workload.

Kenny, I need this. I am flat broke right now.

This is the only chance I have
to give my family a good Christmas,

the only one, so please keep it open. Please!

Man, shut up about this money shit.
Don't blame me 'cause you went

and Frankensteined your whole face
and blew your fucking money

- on Maria's titties.
- I have done everything for you.

I'm broke as shit and you don't even care.
You couldn't care less about me.

You didn't even let me read your screenplay
and I thought I was your best friend.

Oh, don't get your fucking
panties in a bunch, Stevie.

I got lots of friends. So get in line.

You said that this would make us rich.

You said that this would change
our lives for the better

and we just ended up making our lives worse.

Speak for yourself.
I'm completely happy with how my life is.

You lost your fucking family!
What are you, a fucking retard?

Are you a fucking clueless idiot?

I should've never listened to you, man.

I used to think you were cool.
I used to think you were a rock star.

- Now look at you.
- Look at me?

Look at you, you look like a fucking monster!

Well, at least I'm not the fucking Grinch!

I am at the darkest point in my life
and it's all your fault.

And you know what? I quit! Fuck you!

You clean those fixins up right now!

You're a big boy. From now on,
you gotta clean up your own fixins.

Let's get outta here.

If you leave right now, Stevie, I swear to God,
this is it between me and you.

Well, suck my dick!

What the fuck are you looking at?

Aw, yeah. You all know
what it is. It's a Sports Sesh Christmas

with Kenny Powers!

Woo-hoo-hoo!
Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, yeah!
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Wonderful job, ladies. Wonderful!

Lot of hot-ass elves
in the house tonight, huh?

Go tuck yourselves in
underneath that Christmas tree, girls.

Guess what, kids? I came all the way
from the South-motherfucking-Pole

to teach you all about the spirit of Christmas.

God damn.

God damn it. Fucking A, Effects.

God damn. Feel like I'm in a damn
Head and Shoulders commercial, man.

Kill the fucking snow.

Come on! Cut it off! Shit.

Cheap-ass production design.

Crock of shit.

But then again,

Christmas is pretty much
a crock of shit, is it not?

Buying expensive-ass presents,
trying to outdo each other.

You can buy fucking millions
of expensive presents for your kids,

and what will they do?

They'll focus on the one goddamn thing
you didn't get them.

You could be a perfect
husband for years, years.

Doing every fucking thing they ask you
to do and then all of the sudden one day,

your wife wakes up and decides,

"Hey, I don't wanna be
married to this dude anymore

"so I'm gonna divorce him."

And now suddenly you're the bad guy.

That's how it goes. Woo-hoo!

Thank you, Santa Claus,
you fucking dick licker.

Oh, you don't want me
to badmouth Christmas?

Well, how about this?
Christmas can suck this dick!

Fuck Christmas!

No, don't boo me.

You guys like Christmas?
You like Christmas that much?

Fuck goddamn Christmas!

Fucking stupid-ass...

Fuck Christmas!

Christmas can suck my dick!

Fuck Christmas!

Ho-ho-fucking-ho!

Do you hear me?
Suck my dick, Christmas! Fuck you!

- Ugh, gross.
- Stevie's missing.

So? Ain't my problem.
That motherfucker quit/was fired.

No, no. He always call. Always.

You know any reason why
he wouldn't come home?

No. No, Kenny. No reason.

You sure? I mean,
I saw the way y'all treated his ass.

None of you guys respected him
or appreciated him

till he started buying y'all shit.

Fucking money-grubbers.

All y'all are guilty of it.

I'm scared.

Well, don't start crying.
Hold on to your fucking tits.

Let me get my boots.

Well, this is the last place
he used his credit card.

- That's his car.
- Yes, it is.

I should warn you,

men only come to these places
to get their fuckey-fuckey on.

- Stevie, you inside?
- Go away!

Stevie, don't you fucking sass us.
Open up this door right now.

- Very well. Have it your way, Steven.
- Fucking...

- Break yourself!
- Stay back!

- Stay back!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- He's holding himself hostage.
- I am sorry, Maria.

- Please, Stevie...
- And I'm sorry, Kenny.

- I'm sorry you have to watch this.
- No, Stevie. Don't be sorry, all right?

Just don't show us any
goddamn Faces of Death shit right now.

- No one here wants to see that.
- Stay away.

- Don't do it! Please.
- Why?

- I'm a fucking loser.
- You are my loser. Mine.

I can't even fuck you
unless I'm wearing fancy pants.

My dick. My dick is a little bitch.

I don't care. You eat my pussy so good.

Listen to her, man! You eat pussy so good.

I can't even afford to buy
my family Christmas presents.

We don't care about the presents.

All we want is you.

Please, Stevie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

What am I doing?

This is stupid.

I can't kill myself because
I can't get my kids Christmas gifts.

That's not the meaning of Christmas.

No, motherfucker.
This isn't what Christmas is about.

- This is not the real meaning of Christmas.
- No, fuck no, it's not.

The real meaning of...

Holy shit!
He blew his fucking chin off!

Stevie!

Maria! Get me a fucking towel.
Something to stop the bleeding.

Stevie, remain calm. Don't move.
Don't raise your blood pressure.

I'm losing blood! I'm losing a lot of blood!

You're gonna be okay, man.
You just blew your stupid fucking chin off.

Kenny, you said I wasn't a good enough
friend to read your screenplay.

I'm sorry, Stevie. I've been saying
a whole lot of stuff lately that I don't mean.

- You are a good friend.
- Am I a better friend than Shane?

You are a good friend, Stevie.

- Better than Shane?
- Maria, hurry up!

Save your energy, all right?
You're losing a lot of blood.

- I got chin. I got chin!
- You got chin. Oh!

She got your chin, bud.

- Okay.
- Does it fit?

- Sí.
- Do I look good?

Yeah, you look great.

- Do I look good?
- You look great.

I'm sorry I'm crazy.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Shh. Shh.

I love you.

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Round yon virgins

Mothers and childs

Good evening, Cassie and Dustin.
Does the invitation still stand?

Of course it does.
We're really happy to see you

but do you want me
to call you an ambulance?

No, no, no. No special treatment.

I just wanna carol with all you normal people.

Silent night

Little faster maybe.

Okay, you're spooking the neighbors.
Let's get you inside.

I'm spooking them?

It's all right, everyone. This isn't my blood.
It's someone else's.

Come on, Kenny. Come on.

Thank you, Dustin.

You know I don't like
you seeing this weak side of me.

I know you look up to me
even though I'm your younger brother.

Truth be told, I look up
to you sometimes, too.

Just a normal, not famous,
boring-ass family man.

And everybody's cool with it.
Nobody expects anything more.

It's like they love you for being nothing.

You're very lucky not to be respected.

Thanks, I think.

I'm sorry I haven't been
such a good brother lately.

Just that when I thought you died it was...

It was like a piece of me died, too.

I didn't know you were sad, too.

Of course I was, Kenny. You're family.

Everybody needs family.

Not people in the entertainment industry.

Everybody needs family.

When the chips are down,
family's there for you.

Whether you deserve it or not.

Well, you better get some sleep.
Tomorrow's Christmas.

- Dustin?
- Yeah.

Does this mean we're brothers again?

Merry Christmas, brother.

Good night, brother.

Dakota!

Dakota!

What the hell's he doing?

I heard some reindeer!
Did you leave him some cookies?

Honey, can you put some coffee on?

Okay?

Oh, shit.

You're awake. Sorry.

Dustin, who is that?

I think Uncle Kenny gave him to us.

Fame, fortune, power, titties.

People say these are the most
crucial things in life.

I'm sorry I couldn't
get you any gifts this year.

So I wrote down on these slips of paper
all the wonderful things I'd get you

if we had the money.

But you can have a pocket full of gold
and it doesn't mean shit

if you don't have someone
to share that gold with.

Kids, it's Christmas!

Kenny Claus.

Seems simple.
Yet it's an important lesson to learn.

- Look. Toby, what did you get?
- This!

A Playmobil?

Even lone wolves
run in packs sometimes.

Guys, come here. Come look.

Come see!

- Look who it is!
- Dakota!

- Hi, Dakota.
- Hi, Dakota.

Merry Christmas, Dakota.
This is so fun.