Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( groans )

Hello, darling.

- I hope I didn't wake you. - Not at all.

It's the first time you've made my headboard rattle this year.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss that.

- Where've you been? - You know where I've been, my petal.

At my pub quiz night.

The pubs close at 11:00.

Yes, that's true.

But I've been buying you a present.

- What? - A kebab.

I don't want your horrid kebab.

- Oh. - Raymond,

Is that lipstick on your collar?

Uh, no, it's ketchup.

- Good. - I remember now,

Constable Habib was eating ketchupy chips

When I kissed her.

You kissed constable Habib?

We're through to the local final, Patricia.

We're one game away from the trophy.

So you kissed Maggie Habib?

Yes. I very nearly kissed constable Kray as well.

Loathsome man as he is,

He does know the halftime scores

Of every cup final since 1918.

� another one bites the dust... �

� and another one bites, another one bites �

� another one bites the dust! �

Oh, god.

You know how much the quiz trophy means to me.

It's the only glittering prize I've ever truly coveted.

So you kissed Maggie Habib.

Yes.

I can't tell you how wonderful she was.

Well, don't.

It was all down to the last question, you see?

I'd been stumped on the name of the chancellor

In the Israeli's second administration.

Would you believe it? Mr. Thickey or what?

That oaf Kray had gone completely to pieces

Over the 1932 soviet discus team.

Frankly, things were looking pretty bleak...

Until Habib, dear, beautiful,

Clever little constable Habib

Pulled off a stunning coup

By knowing the names of all a gorilla's vertebrae.

What a woman.

What a woman!

Darling, what?

- What's the matter? - Nothing. Really, it's nothing.

Oh, that's all right then.

I thought you were upset or something.

I'm going to brush my teeth.

I can't remember the last time you said

What a wonderful woman I was.

Oh, come on, darling.

You don't know the skeletal composition of the gorilla family.

Be serious.

- Morning. - Good morning.

Morning, everyone. Good morning.

Um, you're not annoyed with me, are you, sergeant?

No, not at all.

It's just that at breakfast I couldn't help noticing

That you crunched your cornflakes

In rather an aggressive manner.

- ( pen thumping ) - did I?

And you did make my tea with cold water...

And yesterday's teabag

In my bicycle helmet.

Not that it wasn't lovely.

- Most refreshing. - Raymond,

I am not in the slightest bit angry.

Good, good.

So the brillo pad in my shredded wheat was a mistake?

Morning, all.

Ah, Kray, fresh from last night's triumph.

What are you eating?

Breakfast, isn't it? Beef and onion pie. Do you want a bit?

Beef and onion pie? Spit it out, man!

Haven't you heard of mad cow disease?

Come on, sir, no one worries about that anymore.

Nobody worries about cricketers chewing gum and spitting anymore,

But that doesn't mean it has ceased to be a national disgrace.

I can't go without my beef.

Personally, I don't believe all those stories anyway.

As far as I'm concerned you could get more sense out of a british cow

Than you will out of a packet of german sausages.

Very possibly, but the final of the pub quiz is only a week away.

We can take no chances.

From now on, I suggest you eat only fish,

Preferably raw. Seafood is brain food.

That's true, sir.

Murgatroyd, who lives next door to me,

Eats nothing but fish.

And she can lick her own backside, which I think is very clever.

Would I be right in assuming that Murgatroyd is a cat?

No, sir, she's a contortionist.

( laughs )

I've got a tough job on, and I need your cooperation.

Now it's pretty urgent,

So I won't beat about the proverbial privet.

Frankly, I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking away

Like a decapitated feathered fowl,

So I'll get straight to the point.

I'm delighted to hear it.

"time waits for no man," as the proverb goes.

What I say is, in C.I.D.,

Crime waits for no man.

So with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether.

- Good. - This is C.I.D. Work, Raymond.

In C.I.D. We dispense with niceties.

We avoid irrelevance, we disregard herrings-

Red or otherwise-

And above all we do not fanny about.

- Inspector Grim? - What?

Was there something you wanted to discuss?

Oh yes.

To be blunt, Raymond,

I need a woman and I want your help.

Right.

Derek, I'm glad you felt able to come to me about this.

How strong are these urges, and how long have you had them?

A policewoman, you idiot.

We've been on to a major local villain for months,

But he's slippery,

Like an owl.

He does, however, have a weakness.

And that weakness is totty.

Totty?

Birds, bints, anything in a skirt-

Barring a scotsman.

He's a ladies' man.

Are you suggesting an entrapment operation?

Not entrapment, Raymond.

Entrapment is, as you know, illegal.

But blokes drop their guard with girls.

They don't think of the consequences.

Blimey, we've all done it.

You get all stupid with some young lovely

And before you know it you're bald,

40, sitting in the car park

At Sainsbury's home base.

Now I want someone with brains.

Brains and beauty.

- Your report, sir. - Thank you.

I want Habib.

You cannot have her.

I strongly disapprove of this type of dubious, underhand operation.

We're not talking about a honey trap,

Just a bit of intelligence gathering.

C.I.D. Cannot operate without intelligence.

You seem to have managed very well up till now.

Listen,

The bloke is laughing at the law.

If you're not careful, division'll hand it over

And we'll have the flying squad back.

You really think so?

Of course if all we're doing is fannying about.

I don't much care for the flying squad, I must say.

Arrogant oafs to a man.

The last time they were here,

One of them left chewing gum stuck under my desk.

I mean, what sort of mentality?

And the state of the lavatories-

It was almost as if they were aiming for the floor.

These men are trained marksmen, for heaven's sake.

All I'd say is, if you're ever cornered by one,

Head for the gents' and hide in a urinal

Because they're incapable of hitting it.

Right.

And if you don't want them round here

Chewing gum and dampening our facilities,

You'd better start cooperating with me.

I'll talk to the girl and see how she feels about it.

Well, do it discreetly.

It's not the sort of operation

That wants to be blabbed round the station.

Tell no one but Habib.

I don't need to be told my duty, inspector Grim.

Well, I hope not,

Because it's my backside on the line

And I'm right up to my neck in it.

Ah, constable Habib.

Come in, sit down.

Now then, I've asked you to come and see me

On a matter of considerable delicacy.

Right you are, inspector. You can trust me.

I sincerely hope I can.

Because I wish to discuss an extremely sensitive operation.

Oh, I see.

My dad's just had one of those.

Bowel complaints are very common in men of your age.

I'm talking about a police operation, constable.

Oh, I see, sir. Sorry.

What's more, for the record,

My bowels are in perfect working order.

- Glad to hear it, sir. - You could set your watch by them.

I haven't missed an evacuation

In 25 years of public service.

However, I am not here to discuss

My quite excellent digestive system.

I'm here to discuss a police matter.

You are to be seconded to the criminal investigations department.

C.I.D.?!

Yes, yes, the C.I.D., if you must.

Although it's beyond me why perfectly serviceable sentences

Must always be reduced to graceless, lifeless initials.

Why, when Mark Antony stood bestride Caesar's grave declaiming,

"friends, Romans, countrymen,"

Would he have done better to say,

"F.R.C.S"?

It would've saved time, sir.

Initials are easier and quicker.

Yes, but does that make them better?

Life would be easier and quicker

If we popped our clogs at birth.

That way we would avoid all those slow, troublesome things

Like long walks in the country,

Games of chess,

Long, languid, lingering...

Oh, what's the word?

- Sex? - I was going to say

Amontillado sherries before lunch,

But yes, if you like, sex.

Would you prefer sex, constable Habib,

If it was quick and easy?

Yes, sergeant, was there something?

What is constable Habib doing in your office?

Now that I cannot say, sergeant.

Constable Habib and I were discussing something

Which must remain private between the two of us.

- Private? - I fear so. Now what can I do for you?

There's a delivery for you.

Constable Goody?

We've got the new "er," sir.

- The new er? - That's right.

The er. Beautiful it is.

Beautiful and shiny.

A beautiful and shiny er.

- You ordered it. - I ordered an er?

Yes, and now it's come. Frank's been polishing it up.

Come on, Frank. Show inspector Fowler his new er.

Oh, of course.

The new desk crest. E.R.

Yes, that's right, "er."

Constable Goody, this is the royal crest.

Yes, I know that. I'm not thick, am I?

If you knew that this crest represented the authority

Of her majesty the queen,

What in the devil's briefcase

Did you imagine E.R. stood for?

'er in the palace.

Elizabeth Regina. It stands for Elizabeth Regina!

I never knew that.

I thought it stood for extremely royal.

E.R. is initials, isn't it, sir?

Are they graceless and lifeless?

Don't be clever, Habib.

The public mistrusts clever police officers.

They think they're up to something.

Clear off, you lot, and hang that above the front desk.

I'm in the middle of a sensitive meeting.

I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave too, sergeant.

You're throwing me out of your office?

Reluctantly, I'm afraid that I am.

You see, I wish to be alone with constable Habib.

You do understand, don't you, sergeant?

Oh, yes.

I understand very well.

I must say this er will look very well up on the wall.

Tell you what, Frank,

You need a big hat to pin that badge on.

So constable Habib,

You are to be the bait in a honey trap.

You are to dress up in your finest stockings,

Miniskirt and boob tube

To ensnare a hard-bitten thug

Into your sexual web.

I envy you, constable Habib.

I would give much for such an opportunity

To serve my community.

Well, sir, I could lend you a pair of tights.

Don't be facetious, Habib.

Now if my experience in amateur drama

Has taught me anything,

It is that there's more to acting than putting on the tights.

One must immerse oneself in a role,

Live it, breathe it.

When I was in "Henry V,"

I often came to work with a codpiece under my trousers.

Did you play Henry V, sir?

Well, not quite Henry, no.

I played "man."

The point is that if you take this job on,

From tomorrow morning you will no longer be constable Habib,

Stern, steady, and a credit to the service.

You will instead be a right saucy bit of brisket.

- Will you do it? - It's got to be better than collaring shoplifters.

Good. Let's go and see inspector Grim.

Just before we do,

One final thing.

Give me the first six primary numbers.

One, three, five, seven, 11 and 13, sir.

The periodic symbols of iron and gold?

Fe and Au, sir.

The quiz final is six days from now.

- How long is that in half hours? - 288, sir.

Constable Habib, you really are very good.

I do my best, sir.

Bit of a facer at the end.

I must say, I wasn't really ready for such a hard one.

Constable Habib! What do you think you're doing?!

You can't come to work looking like a tart!

I've a good mind to have you disciplined.

It's all right. Inspector Fowler said he wanted me to dress like this.

Inspector Fowler

Asked you to dress like that?

That's right. He said he wanted me to look dead sexy.

- What do you think, Pat? - My name is sergeant Dawkins!

Why did inspector Fowler ask you to dress like that?

He, he said I wasn't to tell anyone.

Ah, constable Habib, that's what I like to see.

Splendid. Splendid.

Come on through to the briefing room.

Now remember what I said about acting, Habib.

Live your character. Live it.

Because your life may depend on it.

Right you are, big boy.

( purrs )

Hello, gorgeous.

Mmm, I love a man in a uniform.

( gasps ) is that a truncheon in your pocket

Or are you just pleased to see me?

Actually it's a mars bar.

Right then...

Constable Habib, you're with C.I.D. now.

And in C.I.D. we do things a bit differently.

Oh yes. Oh yes.

When you run us up the flagpole,

You'll find you're saluting a very different kettle of fish.

You know, you could be a bit tasty, inspector,

I mean if you had hair on your head instead of your face.

Well done, Habib.

Sorry I'm late. Been down at the frog and truncheon, setting up a narc.

You didn't drink? Tell me you didn't drink.

'Course not, sir. I never drink on duty.

Only had three pints.

Three pints?! Have you any idea how many brain cells

One unit of alcohol destroys?

Who won the F.A. Cup final in 1953?

Um, Blackpool. They beat Bolton Wanderers 4-3.

You said "um." you're umming, man.

That's the alcohol umming.

Only boozers and losers um.

Inspector Fowler, we are in the middle-

What year was synchronized swimming admitted as an olympic sport?

- Uh, 1984. - Now you're uhhing.

Good god, man, first you um and then you uh.

It's a short step from that to, "hang on, I know this one,

Could you repeat the question, please?"

Pull yourself together, you foul drunkard.

Jane sits to the left of Fred, who is two seats down from Tony,

Who sits to the right of Jane, next to the fire extinguisher.

Each seat has a width of two and a half feet

And there's nine inches between them.

In a fire, how far will Fred have to travel to reach the fire extinguisher?

- Tony would've grabbed it. - Tony and Jane have fainted from fear.

Inspector Fowler, we are discussing a dangerous operation.

You're on duty, man, pull yourself together.

I'm sorry, you're quite right.

I will not mention the quiz again...

Except to say

That victory will bring honor to the whole station.

Honor... And a big cup.

Big shiny cup.

Not that one covets such trinkets, of course.

But a cup that this pathetic alcoholic,

This sad, raddled, beer-soaked dipsomaniac,

Who will no doubt arrive at the final mounted on a pink elephant,

Chooses to put at risk-

- Fowler! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please proceed. I will not disturb you

Or mention the quiz final ever again.

I'm very glad to hear it.

Right, now, the meeting will take place

At the old priest's hole.

- ( gasps ) - What is it now?

The old priest's hole is the venue for the pub quiz final.

- Really? - Definitely.

Fowler, I'm afraid that means that Habib is off your quiz team.

But she's my star striker.

Exactly. If she turns up at our villain's boozer

As the star of Gasforth police quiz team,

There's just a chance he might work out she's a copper.

Excuse me, sergeant, darling,

- May I have a word? - It's your police station.

You can talk to who you like, I suppose.

Yes, well, um...

The point is that I need another man for my quiz team.

And when I say "man," I mean, of course, "man or person."

Now you've got a pretty good brain, old girl,

Senile dementia not quite set in yet, I hope, hmm?

You wouldn't be much good on pop music or fashion,

But I would imagine you'd play a pretty straight bat

When it came to postwar politics

Or matters pertaining to gardening and plumbing.

- So how about it? - I can't imagine why you would want another player.

After all, you have constable Habib,

The finest brain and the shortest skirt in the force.

Yes, there's no doubt that Habib is an extraordinary woman.

But I'm afraid she cannot compete.

I have other duties for her.

What other duties, Raymond? What is going on?!

I'm afraid I cannot tell you, and that's the end of it.

And anyway, does our team really need her?

She's bright, she's charismatic

And she's a natural star,

"but is that what we want?" I ask.

And I answer, "no."

Give me a good, honest, plain, solid,

Workaday team player like dear old Pat Dawkins.

I wouldn't join your quiz team if it was the only thing

That stood between you and disemboweling with a blunt truncheon.

Goody, Gladstone, in the briefing room.

Leave the er. Uh, I mean...

Leave it.

All right, you men.

I'm going to ask you a question,

And I want you to answer to the best of your ability.

- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.

- Just one question, sir. - Yes, just the one question, Goody.

No, I mean, may I ask a question about your question?

- Yes, if you must. - Thank you, sir.

Is that the question?

Is what the question?

If we understand.

Understand what?

That you're going to ask us a question.

Is the question whether you understand

The fact that I'm going to ask you a question?

Yes, sir. You see, you said you were going to ask us a question.

And then you asked us if we understood.

Now I was wondering if that was the question,

Or just a sub question, and that the real question was still to come.

Congratulations, Goody, you've just failed your trial for the quiz team.

- Get out. - Yes, sir.

I was captain of a pub quiz side once, sir.

- Were you really? - Oh yes.

I remember telling the lads before our first match,

"memory and detail - let those be our bywords.

Memory, memory, memory, detail, detail, detail."

Excellent advice, Gladstone. How did your team fare?

I don't know. I forgot where the pub was, sir.

Sir, you know the name of our team is called

"Gasforth police station"?

Yes, very good.

But I fear the questions are likely to be slightly more taxing

Than what is the name of your team.

No, I was just thinking,

It doesn't say that the players actually have to be coppers.

Does it, sir?

How far will Fred have to travel

To reach the fire extinguisher?

Uh...

What?

Who cares?

( vomiting )

I don't think you're trying hard enough, constable.

Did you show him plenty of leg?

Excuse me, if this skirt were any shorter, it'd be a belt.

Habib, this bloke is a hardened villain.

He's not going to incriminate himself for a flash of gusset.

You've got to go further. Offer the lot.

- Do what? - Oh god.

I suppose I'll have to show you.

Constable Kray, you be the Mark.

Now this is how to be sexy.

Of course you've got to imagine the skirt.

So do you want another drink, love?

Oh I shouldn't really, I get so randy when I'm tiddly.

All right, go on then, lover.

( laughs )

Give me a big one.

Excuse me...

Are we trying to make him confess or throw up?

Look, inspector Grim,

With all due respect to your suppressed sexuality,

I haven't got a problem giving him the come on.

I've been beating him off with a bottle of brown ale.

It just isn't making him blab, that's all.

You got to make him think you like sleeping with villains,

- That it turns you on. - No, I will not have it.

That is blatant entrapment. It is not the job of the police

To provoke people into breaking the law.

You can't provoke them if they don't want to do it.

We've come this far, she's gotta go the last mile.

What do you think, sir?

Soliciting a crime is an offense.

I know, constable, I know.

I utterly deplore this type of operation.

But we've come this far,

And if we can just get this business over with

Before the pub quiz final, then you can be back on the team.

Well, Habib, you don't look very happy.

What's inspector Fowler asked you to do now?

He's asking me to go a lot further than I feel comfortable with.

Personally, I think it's a bit immoral.

And I think he does too.

Heavens and braces, sergeant Dawkins,

Have you run mad?

No, I have not.

I have come to my senses.

( laughs )

You've destroyed her majesty's crest,

The very symbol of all the values that I stand for!

You don't stand for any values.

I've seen what you're doing to constable Habib.

You viper, you rat!

Oh, I see.

So you know about Habib, do you?

- Yes, I do. - You were right to destroy the crest.

I should never have gone along

With Grim's entrapment operation in the first place,

Let alone hurry it on so Habib could rejoin my quiz team.

Entrapment operation?

Well, yes, but - but you must've known that.

That's why you destroyed the crest.

Unless you placed some other interpretation

Upon my activities with constable Habib?

No, no, no. No, I had the whole thing worked out.

Short skirts, secret meetings - entrapment operation.

Plain as day, absolutely. Knew all along.

I should never have agreed to Grim's appalling methods.

If I had not, I would still have my honor,

My crest,

And a full quiz team.

As it is, I have nothing.

Dear, oh dear, Raymond.

You don't half go on with your high and mighty,

Up your jacksy, snooty, snotty,

Dib-dib-dob, excuse me, scout's honor,

Not bleeding, croquet load of old cobblers."

I don't suppose when Habib comes in here with our man,

You'll mind taking half the credit, will you?

No, you'll be in there for the glory, won't you?

On the contrary, Derek, I want no further part of this matter.

So the full and complete credit goes to C.I.D.?

The whole thing is mine?

I shall hold you to that, Raymond.

Oh yes, oh yes.

Evening, Mr. Grim. Evening, Mr. Fowler.

Well, well, well.

Terry the tank.

It seems an arrest has been made already.

Well done, constable.

I shall handle this, Raymond. As agreed.

Sir, I don't think you understand.

She hasn't arrested me. I've arrested her.

On a citizen's arrest. Greedy little copper tart!

Here I was trying to get me leg over,

And all she's interested in is my pump action.

Entrapment, that's what this is.

I want to make a very serious complaint.

Inspector Grim, I believe you were anxious

To take full and complete credit for this operation.

Now's your chance.

I love you.

You know that, don't you?

I love you, I love you, I love you.

You're all I've ever wanted.

Holding you like this in my arms

Makes me the happiest man in the world.

But then you know that, don't you?

And I'll never ever let you go.

Shut up, Raymond.

( theme music playing )