Original subtitles

Chloe, what's that?

That is our new window.

Our new window?

I just woke up and thought a window would be great there.

Chloe, we're going round the world.

Don't need a new window.

J.c., there's a sock on your...

It's in mourning.

It's sad.

6 weeks with no love is a very long time,

but now all that's over.

No more suffering.

Yeah?

No more back pain.

Just you and me...

And a whole lot of catching up to do.

So just lie back and relax...

And let the jeepster do the work.

Breakfast?

Breakfast?

Trifle sound good?

Ooh.

You are feeling better.

Oi!

Moose: Nice pinny.

Shh!

What's going on?

Surf.

Surf?

6 foot?

Yeah.

Clean.

6 foot and clean?

Come on, come on.

Come on.

♪ Well, you're built like a car ♪

♪ you've got a hubcap diamond star halo ♪

♪ you're built like a car

♪ yeah

Chloe, you're gonna kill me.

I've really screwed up. I've got a lesson.

What, now?

Sorry.

The kids, they're...

They're waiting.

Come on, crab, move it!

Whoo-hoo!

This way, come on!

Yee-ha!

Whoo-hoo!

Crab, not again, man.

Moose, you dragged me out of bed for this?

He promised.

Man: It's coming.

Moose: Shape.

Yeah. 2 weeks, 4 days and every night.

It's coming.

Unbelievable.

What have you got there, shape?

Hawaiian seaweed.

"To call upon the gods of the islands

"to send waves,

"sprinkle it upon the water

and chant the sacred name of makaheekee."

How do you think you say this?

Shape, please, spare us the guru shit.

J.c., how many days good surf

do we get in cornwall?

Don't know, boys. What do you reckon? 1 in 10?

And how about Hawaii?

Endless summer, man.

Yeah, can't wait.

One perfect barrel after another.

Whoo! Whoo!

Boom!

All right for you.

What have we got to look forward to?

Winter. What a bummer.

We get gnarly waves.

When you've broken the ice.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

All: Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Makaheekee.

Radio: ♪ smuggler fm

Dan: All these young people

seem to want to leave in the winter.

Gordon: It does get quite bleak roundabouts.

Bleak's an awful strong word. I won't hear bleak.

Damp, maybe, then?

Fresh. I'll give you fresh.

Well, I've never been one for foreign travel.

Not with all the beauty of cornwall on my doorstep.

But it seems this young lady's going all around the world.

We wish Chloe well on her trip to paradise

with a special request

from someone called the jeepster.

Wait for it. Remember,

I don't want to see any dragging feet.

It's one clean movement.

And...

Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle.

Up!

Yeah.

When are we going in the water?

Listen, this is really good practice

when there aren't any waves.

My mom paid you to take me surfing.

The first rule of surfing: Mellow out.

Hippy!

Children chanting: Hippy!

Hippy!

Hippy!

Hippy!

Chloe, that's gonna burn.

I expect you had to tell the kids

your shark story.

Chloe, it's bubbling, honestly.

It's supposed to caramelize.

It doesn't mean napalm it, does it?

Really. Pass me the cream.

Got any of that... got any syrup?

What?

Nothing.

What?

I just, like watching you cook.

Yeah?

Nice pinny.

Chloe: Out!

Ok, kids, what'll it be?

Trifle.

Yeah! Yeah!

You're not old enough.

Sorry. Only one portion left,

and I promised the great shark rider he could have it.

Yeah?

Yeah. Tonight.

And you'd better not have any other plans.

No, no. I'm...

All yours.

Man: I know, j.C., it's been too long.

No worries. Me and Josh can handle it.

Yeah. You, me, slim, Josh. All the boys together again.

Yeah, all right.

Sweet. See you.

♪ If any man has a reason... Holy wedlock ♪

♪ holy wedlock

♪ speak... speak now

j.c.'s up for it?

Of course. Told you he would be.

And he knows?

Sure.

Listen.

Do us a favor.

Bang that gong when I give you a green light.

Yeah? Sweet.

Hard as you can.

Yeah, nice one.

Now.

Aah!

Fuck!

Are you having a go at me?

Just having a laugh.

♪ Speak now

♪ aah

♪ is thine fault

ha ha! Excellent. Do I get royalties?

Crab: What if some townie jerk buys this place?

That's no drama, man.

He's right, you know.

They'd probably turn it into a captain ahab's theme bar.

Where are we gonna hang then?

Crab, man, you're starting to stress.

88.

You did 88?

88.

What can I say, man? You know,

congratulations.

Ladies and gentlemen, the new king of pipeline.

Would the old king like to present the crown?

Crab: 87!

Come on!

Dig in!

88!

Come on, one more! One more!

Crab: 89!

Crab: And still the king!

Thought you hated the press.

It's for my mum, all right?

Now, I know what you wear's important, Josh,

so you choose.

Which balaclava? Green or blue?

Josh: He's dead.

They were only sleeping pills.

Just how many did you give him?

Enough.

How many's enough?

Enough.

Plus a couple extra to be on the safe side.

Yeah.

Well, if we end up in court, Dean,

just remember, you're the one who drugged him.

Relax. I work a lot with pharmaceuticals.

I'm sorry.

I must have missed your 6 years of medical school, Dr. Dean.

I know what I'm doing.

The good stuff for my mates

and flu pills for the punters.

Aah! Aah!

Told you he'd be all right.

I told you no stag night, Dean.

No getting pissed and no old stripper

making me rub baby oil into her pink bits.

It's not a stag night.

No?

We're going surfing.

My god.

You can do this.

You can do this.

Painkillers.

Ooh, yeah.

Great.

Great.

♪ You're dirty and sweet

♪ Cadillac, don't look back, girl, I love you ♪

♪ you're dirty and sweet, yeah ♪

♪ you're slender and weak

♪ you've got the teeth of the hydra upon you ♪

♪ you're dirty, sweet, and you're my girl ♪

♪ get it on

♪ bang a gong

♪ get it on

♪ get it on

♪ bang a gong

♪ get it on

trifle?

I,

Hope that's the 12-inch,

'cause this recipe takes forever,

and I want to hear you beg.

♪ You're my girl

please.

Please, Chloe.

♪ Get it on

ooh, I love it when you beg.

Don't just lie there.

I want to see wiggling, wiggling.

Please, Chloe.

You'll have to do better than that.

♪ Machines and a star kiss ♪

♪ baby, know what I mean?

Ooh!

Chloe, please.

Good. But it's not good enough.

♪ You're my girl

Chloe.

♪ Get it on

Chloe!

♪ Get it on

aah!

What was that?

I'm not staying.

You're staying, Terry.

You can't make me enjoy myself.

All right, this is it, number 30.

The lights are still on. Ring the bell.

No. No need.

No!

Dean, Dean!

No, I'll be all right.

6 weeks without sex, but that didn't matter,

just as long as you stayed king of the pipeline.

Don't tell me. It's going off.

Dean: Oi, oi!

My god.

Who the hell are they?

They're mates from London.

Dean: Oi, j.C.!

Chloe, I grew up with them.

You never grew up.

He'll be packing his bag.

Told ya.

I'll take them to the caravan,

and then I'll come straight back.

Don't bother.

What, you're throwing me out?

That's mature. Go on, walk away.

Now you know how it feels.

You forgot something.

There's, um...

There's a...

There's a what, Josh?

There's a strawberry sticking out of your shirt.

You can't beat this cornish cream, can you?

You kidnapped him?

It's the only way we could get him away from his TV.

Why can't we stay at her place?

'Cause his bird freaked.

She didn't freak, Dean.

She was a bit surprised

by the apocalypse now firework display.

I'll need a place to sleep,

or I'm gonna get a migraine.

I got a much better place, Terry.

You're gonna love it.

God!

The property boom

just passed you by, didn't it, j.C.?

Bastards! You kidnap me,

then you expect me to sleep in this tin can

with my sinuses.

It's a lot bigger than it looks on the inside.

I promise. It's a bit like the tardis.

I can't sleep here.

♪ One life

♪ only got one

♪ one life, no fear

♪ one life, no fear

♪ one life, no fear

♪ fuck you, London

♪ good night

yeah.

Why'd we ever split up, man?

Musical differences.

Musical inabilities.

Can't believe slim used to play the drums.

What ever happened to him?

He's running that pub.

Thinks it'll fall down if he leaves it for 10 minutes.

Now he's getting married.

He has to, doesn't he,

to fit in with his timetable.

I'm nearly 30. Time to get married.

Yeah.

Well, you're as young as you feel, right?

You got any more coat hangers?

How many clothes do you need, Josh?

We don't all want to look

like an agricultural laborer.

Ooh!

So, what's the problem with your bird?

No problem, Dean. Just try calling next time.

I thought you called.

Why do you always have to make a meal out of everything?

We're here, aren't we?

Here, have a beer.

Remember the first time we came down?

Yeah. Just finished school.

You nicked your dad's Van.

You stood up first time. Total natural.

Now you're off round the world.

You got it sussed, guy.

Yeah. One life. No fear.

Yeah. Live for today.

Radio: ♪ smuggler fm

Gordon: Now it's time to join young Bob

who's at the county livestock show.

Bob: I am, Gordon,

and one of the farmers has just told me to expect rain

because all his heifers are lying down.

Well, the forecast is sunny with cloudy spells.

His cows are lying down.

My old mum used to swear by thistle dew.

Gordon: I remember an old boy saying to me,

"frog spawn's the best way of telling."

Bob: Well, I'm sure our listeners will...

Terry's done a runner!

What?

He won't get far.

So, he took the bike. He has to go west.

It's the only way out of here.

Problem is, though, he's gone half 7.

It's milking time.

So...

He doubles back, you see, takes the path to the left.

He could go right, but that's uphill.

Terry's a fat git,

so he takes the path of least resistance,

downhill all the way.

Now, you see, he realizes there's no turning back,

there's no stopping.

Which means, I reckon, he's gonna end up...

Right here.

Right, since it's only 8:00, the tide's coming in.

He's gonna be cut off.

There's only one road in, one road out.

We can't miss him.

Morning, Terry.

Josh: Morning, Terry. You're up early.

Bastards!

It's not exactly California, is it?

Where's the sand?

There isn't any sand, Terry.

It's reef.

Goes all the way out to sea.

You've just fallen onto the best break

in england, Terry.

Excellent. Snap.

Looks flat to me.

It takes a massive storm to send it off.

The swell...

It rushes in...

Smacks against the rock...

And boom...

Biggest waves you've ever seen, man.

You see, the wave...

It sucks up all the water.

So you miss your takeoff...

It's gonna slam you straight into the slab.

We call it the boneyard.

The boneyard?

If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna get a migraine.

12 foot, old-time classic wave.

12 foot?

Wow. That's, big.

I sense doubt.

No, no, no. If you say it was 12 foot,

then it was, 12 foot.

Josh: Is there a system for measuring waves,

like a Pythagoras triangle thing or something?

'Cause you're pretty specific about 12 foot.

It was 12 foot, all right?

Dean: Yeah, 12 foot.

That's 3.6 meters.

Hi, man.

How are you, sid?

How you doing?

Good, yeah.

All right.

You're really a face, j.C.

Yeah. Just remember I live here, all right?

You think we're gonna embarrass you?

No. Just don't ask for any beach boy records,

and don't try using any surf speak.

How's it going?

All right.

All right.

Flat, innit?

Yeah.

Just sit down, Dean.

Sit down. Take a look at the menu.

I've got to sort some business out.

Excuse me.

Crab, what are you doing?

Chloe had to nip out.

Man: Oi, crab, where's my food?

That's my pinny.

Have you seen this?

"A little bird tells me record producer Josh tambini

"seems to have scored another hit with supermodel Carla.

"Let's hope his next hit

doesn't come from her heavyweight boxer husband."

Where do they get these stories?

Another one for your mum's scrapbook, Josh.

Everything's a joke, isn't it, Dean?

No, it's shocking.

It's true, though, innit?

That's not the point!

So...

Who are the grommets?

They're friends from London.

They're cool.

Dean: Yeah, Mike?

Good piece, wasn't it?

Did it help with our arrangement?

Listen, Dean,

what you've given me is tittle tattle.

Now, you want to work for me,

I want something big, something life or death.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, I'll work on it.

Well, good.

Yeah, all right, bye.

I'm telling you, Terry,

it's no happy-ever-after fairy tale.

Yeah, I know.

Your marriage didn't work out.

Exactly.

I mean, just because men and women's genitalia

happen to fit together,

we think we're supposed to spend

the rest of our lives together.

You know what marriage is?

Design...

Fault.

It's not like that.

What do you and Sarah have in common?

We watch TV.

Yeah. Apart from watching TV.

Watch videos.

What do you talk about?

Apart from TV and videos.

Design...

Fault.

♪ I want

♪ I need

Do you really think a screwdriver

is going to make everything all right?

Well, this isn't any old screwdriver, you see, Chloe.

This actually is the king of screwdrivers.

What's so tremendous about this multispeed beast?

Well, it's battery operated,

which means you can use it

anywhere in the world.

I'm not going around the world.

What?

I'm sorry about last night, but that's ridiculous.

I'm buying this place.

You what? This dump? -

they're selling it tomorrow.

24 hours and counting.

How are you going to buy it?

Thought I might try money.

You can forget about the airline tickets.

They're nonrefundable. It says on them... nonrefundable.

Then take oi, oi. A friend.

Surf's up. Ha ha!

Go away.

Dean, Dean, go away.

Chloe, just... just slow down.

Yeah. Let's just think about this.

I mean, it's a bit like the bathroom.

You wake up in the morning. You have this brilliant idea.

Tear everything down,

and then you lose interest.

Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doing?

Chloe, you are wonderful.

You're beautiful.

But, yeah, you don't know what you're doing.

Are you telling a woman

with a pan of burning fat in her hand

that she doesn't know what she's doing?

Yeah, all right. All right.

Yeah. Right.

You know what'd happen if you did buy it, don't you?

You'd end up like Terry.

Terry's done who's Terry? A runner.

Josh, in a minute, man.

We need you now, j.C.

Who's Terry?

We'll talk about it later.

There is no later.

We're finished.

She just gets these crazy ideas.

I can talk her out of it.

Josh: Take some advice.

The worst thing you could do is go running after her.

What, you reckon?

Absolutely. Just play it cool.

Wait for her to see sense.

Yeah. I mean, she's got no money.

What's she going to do?

Yeah.

Sarah?

Sorry. I know. Sorry.

At j.C.'S in cornwall.

It wasn't my idea.

Listen, did you...

What, you think I'm not worried about my sinuses?

Listen...

Did you tape Arthur's knights?

Hello? Hello?

The phones aren't too reliable down here.

I know you all think it's stupid,

but I've got a wedding to arrange.

I've got responsibilities.

I've got people counting on me,

and I'm not going to let them down.

Now...

You say what you like,

but I'm getting the next train out of here.

All right, Terry. If that's the way you want it.

That is the way I want it.

Do you know what time the next train is?

Let's see. That'd be...

Tuesday.

2 days?

It's a small town. We're out of season.

Bastards!

Come on, what can't you arrange on the phone?

Here, Josh, lend him your mobile.

You know how much the calls cost?

Dean: That's all right. He can use mine.

Nice model. Cheers.

Now, I don't know about you lot,

but I could use some blue juice.

Yes.

Terry: Hello? Hello?

Push the button, Terry.

Push the button, Terry.

Dean: Where in the hell are we going?

It's a shortcut. Hello?

When you say the napkins are prune,

are they more red or purple?

No, saying they're more snapdragon doesn't help.

Right. We're going to start off over there.

J.c., the break's over there.

These do keep things dry, don't they?

Yeah, but you've got to start off slowly, man.

You've got to treat the sea with a bit of respect.

Dean, are you listening? Dean?

Ha ha ha!

♪ Feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

♪ feelin' good

I saw a turd!

It wasn't a turd, Terry.

What was it, a round brown fish?

All right, mate. This wave's yours. Ready?

Remember what I said... All the way in.

Go, go, go, aah! Go, go, go!

Go, Terry! All the way in!

Whoa! Whoa! Go on, tel!

Whoa!

What's happening?

Whoo!

It's starting to pick up,

but nothing for a big wave rider like you.

Dean: Well, there's a storm coming.

Might set the boneyard off.

You going out there?

Well, you never know.

Some stupid townie tried it once.

He never came up.

What, he killed himself?

J.c.'s the only one who's done it.

That's why he's a legend.

My wave!

Aah! Ooh!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Coming through!

Whoo!

I'm with you!

Dean: Whoo-hoo!

Ha ha ha! Piece of piss, this surfing.

You not going in?

Josh: No.

Bury me anywhere,

but don't Bury me at sea.

My head hurts.

I got just the pill for you, Terry.

Now, this, this will make you feel much better.

Ta.

Sorry about you and Chloe, man.

It's all right, man. It's cool. It's nothing.

If you're going around the world,

do you mind if I have a crack at her?

We thought we'd do a collection.

Yeah? Collection for what?

To help her buy the lease.

Listen, mate, she's not buying the lease.

She's coming round the world with me, all right?

Man on radio: Now, here's a fascinating letter

from one of our farmer listeners, Dan.

Seems he's found a way to farm at night.

Dan: How's he go about that, then?

So simple, it's brilliant...

Lights... massive, industrial lights.

Simple as milking a cow?

Just take a look at the productivity levels

of his root vegetable crops.

Parsnips up 32%,

turnips, 37,

and carrots, a whopping 45.

Look, I live here.

I can't afford to rip people off.

It's good gear.

All right.

Sweet.

Cheers, guys.

Listen, Josh,

I am not chasing after Chloe,

all right?

I've just got to see a man about a board.

I mean, you can try and show Terry a good time,

can't you?

Yeah. I suppose so.

I know what I want to do.

You name it, tel. Anything, man.

I want the biggest cornish cream tea

you've ever seen.

Living on the edge, Terry.

If everything was in Harmony,

do you think I could levitate?

Save it for the tourists, shape.

J.c., there's something I want to tell you...

Something a wise man once said.

A man who chases fairy tales

might miss his own happy ending.

Was this in India?

King's cross station.

But enlightenment often comes out of the mouths of fools.

Yeah, well,

I've got it all under control, man.

You know, all this staying in,

all this saving to go round the world,

I've forgotten what it's all about.

We had our first date on this bike.

You were just kids then.

I'm still young at heart,

and Chloe is, too.

I've just got to remind her.

Well, find Harmony,

and maybe I'll get to fly.

You just mind out for all those pigs

coming into land, shape.

J.c.

Yeah?

It's coming.

Of course it is, shape.

What a broken down old wreck.

Where are you going, j.C.?

I'm just going down to the machine.

Started body surfing?

No board.

No, no. I'm just going to go

and meet the boys down there.

We can give him a lift, can't we, Chloe?

Chloe: Ready?

Yeah. Wait a sec.

All right in the back there?

No problem!

What's with the lights, man?

She's throwing a rave...

Get some money for the lease.

One day the shaper's going to get these brakes fixed.

If you're going to do it, Terry,

do it in style?

My treat.

Oi, oi!

Oi, Dean.

You've given him shit, haven't you?

No, no. That's a good "e."

A good "e"?

Aw, look, relax, will you?

I know what I'm doing. I'm a professional.

Dean, lawyers are professionals.

Doctors are professionals.

Drug dealers are not professionals.

Whoo-hoo!

Remember our first date on that bike?

Yeah. Do you remember that?

I hated that bike.

You did?

Well, why'd you think the carb was always failing?

If I hadn't busted it,

you would never have got rid of it,

thinking how cool you looked.

You know what a lease is, don't you, Chloe?

It's a massive weight around your neck.

Good. I'm tired of drifting.

Yeah, but... but you work so hard,

you don't have time to party.

And you know what happens when you don't party, don't you?

You get stressed!

It's... it's stress and work

and work and stress,

and before you know it, Chloe,

before you know it,

you're going to end up like Terry!

Who's Terry?

Terry is boring!

He's boring with a capital "b."

I mean, he... he used to have a life,

and then he got this pub,

and then he changed...

Just like you're going to change.

Yeah...

Well, maybe it's just you

who thinks he's boring.

No way.

You've just got to see him for yourself.

You'll meet him at the rave tonight, Chloe,

and then you're going to understand

what boring really means.

Fuck it!

Come on, Terry.

Can you hear music?

Cakes...

Come and get your cakes, Terry.

What is that tune?

Those were the days.

I got to find out.

Well, thanks for your help, Josh.

Come on, Terry, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ People, they walk on by ♪

♪ don't try to lend a helping hand ♪

♪ if I could just see that girl again ♪

♪ I'd be a happy man

♪ and I'm lonely

I like it.

I really do.

Junior. Call me junior.

So I get the gig?

I'm sorry.

It's not what the kids are into anymore.

Lonely for you, baby...

Sam dees,

1968.

The label,

sss international. All right?

Does this look like a master mind audition?

So, what else you got here?

Hey, time will pass you by.

You know, they used to close the casino with this.

They used to close wigan

with I'm on my way.

Listen...

I was there when you were still wetting nappies,

and it finished time will pass you by,

I'm on my way,

and long after tonight is over,

every week in that order.

You went to the casino?

Number 4-9-7.

Real stomper...

Ossie sands' price of pain.

You know, I sampled this.

You're Josh tambini.

Yeah, but don't go treating me

like a superstar or something.

It's no big deal.

Mike.

Mike: Yes, Dean?

Somebody died.

Really? Excellent.

I thought you might like that.

This is a life or death situation,

and we're going to be there.

Dean, I'm looking at an empty chair.

You pull this one off, and you get to sit there.

Yeah, cheers, Mike.

I'll talk to you later.

All right. Bye-bye.

Mike: Bye.

Terry, Terry.

Terry.

Sit down.

Bet you feel a bit...

Horny, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah. I... I do feel...

Ooh.

I do feel weird...

All touchy.

That's not touchy, mate. That is horny.

Look around.

This place is perfect.

It's full of women whose husbands

are on the golf course.

You see anything you fancy?

I'm getting married.

I'm not...

That's Mary fenton.

What, the actress?

Nah.

Well, maybe.

Is it? She... she was...

Guinevere in Arthur's knights.

Yeah. Monday nights when we were kids. Is it?

It is, it is. She's a goddess.

Ha ha.

She's smiling at you.

No.

You've got to go for it.

I'm getting married.

If you won't, I will.

Guinevere has got a wet chastity belt.

Leave her alone.

Well, come on. She's leaving.

Mary!

Come on.

3 top 10 hits is no big deal.

I can hardly remember their names.

Techno holiday,

techno toy land...

And...

Techno, techno, techno?

Yeah.

You've got to come tonight, Josh.

I know so many people who'd kill to meet you.

Yeah, well, I'll try, but I'm kind of tied up.

Well, try hard.

♪ Smuggler fm

we're going right over to join young Bob

who's out on the high seas with the Fisher boys.

Bob: Yeah, so I am,

and we're being pitched and tossed

from side to side.

The fishermen tell me

this is the start of a major swell.

Hey, hey, it's coming up pretty rough, is it, Bob?

Bob?

Man: He's throwing up.

Well, I hope that bad weather

doesn't head inland,

because we've got some event news.

Second man: Yes. Do you like to rave?

And by golly, who doesn't?

Get along to wicker point tonight.

You'll not only have a great night out,

but you'll be helping a local girl

who's trying to buy the world famous aqua shack.

She's only got 24 hours

to raise some money,

but smuggler fm is right behind her.

Where's Terry?

It's about time you got back.

What does that mean, Dean?

Well, we come all the way down here,

and you're more worried about

chasing after some bird.

Chloe is not a bird.

Dean, Dean, we're surfers.

The word is "babe."

Yeah, sorry... babe.

Anyway, I've been checking out

the best place for us to go tonight.

I've already sorted us.

This is the village hall, man.

I'm talking about a rave.

A rave?

Yes.

No. Ha ha ha ha!

Guess you're outvoted, Josh.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Anyway, where is Terry?

He's, um...

He's outside.

Well, I never saw him.

Ha! Maybe he caught one.

No. Dean, you haven't.

Yeah.

♪ E, e, e, e, e, e ♪

Terry!

I love you!

Terry!

Dean: Go for it, my son!

I love you!

I love you!

Come here!

Come here!

Strong swell.

Gonna be big.

Real big.

Makaheekee!

Yes!

Terry: Oi, oi! Ha ha ha!

Terry. Terry,

talk about the stocktaking.

Stocktaking? Stocktaking.

Talk about stocktaking.Stocktaking.

See if there are any maps back there, will you?

Josh, we don't need a map.

Terry, tell her all about the paperwork.

She wants to hear about the paperwork.

Terry: Headache pill, Dean?

Dean: A corset?

This yours, j.C.?

No. Yes, it's mine. Yes, it's mine.

I strained myself surfing.

It just acts like a big bandage, that's all.

Because you're as young as you feel, granddad.

Will you fuck off, Dean?

I'm getting sick of you, man.

You fucked Terry up, and all you want to do

is take the piss out of me.

I'm having a laugh.

You're acting like a yob.

There's no sign.

Wait a minute.

If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

We'd better follow him.

Oi. I know I'm not supposed to speak or anything,

but can I just point out that Terry's missing?

Dean: Terry!

Terry!

Shit!

What?

Shit!

What?!

I've just stepped in cow shit!

What's wrong? Too old to party?

I don't pretend I'm 18.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

♪ Gonna make you groove

♪ gonna make you sweat

♪ gonna make you groove ♪

Yeah!

♪ Gonna make you sweat

♪ gonna make you groove ♪

♪ gonna make everything inside your head move ♪

♪ gonna make you dream

♪ gonna take everything to the extreme ♪

♪ I need something stronger ♪

♪ I need something stronger ♪

♪ long way up

♪ I need something stronger ♪

Terry!

No.

Excrement.

Oi.

♪ Toe, toe, toe

♪ chin, chin

great lyrics.

♪ Stomach

it's based on futurist repetitive poetry.

But I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Terry, man, Terry, get down, man.

Go for it, Terry!

Thanks a lot, Dean.

Whoo! Terry!

Whoa!

That's Terry?

Chloe, well, he's not normally like that.

Must be the sea air?

Chloe!

Seen the weather, man? It's gonna go off...

Big time! Massive!

What, boneyard massive?

Chloe!

Look, forget Chloe, man. This is about the boneyard.

Surf it, you'll be a hero.

Leave it out, Dean.

Come on, j.C., you've got to do it.

Gotta do anything.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

How much do those run?

15 quid a pill.

I'll give you 40 for these 3.

Look, it's good gear.

It's shit.

All right, all right, I ripped you off.

Dean?

What's up, man?

I fucked up.

Didn't you know that's what I do?

Dean, the professional fuck up.

Come on, man, it's not that bad.

Isn't it?

Shit, your face. Dean!

You know, it's... it's so easy when you're 20

and you think everything'll be all right.

And then everything goes shit,

and there's no one there to help you out.

Dean.

All you had to do was ask.

You were busy, remember?

The boneyard.

How's surfing the boneyard gonna help?

I sold the story to a paper.

I surfed the boneyard 10 years ago.

I was in the best shape of my life.

I came that close to killing myself.

But you could do it, j.C. I know you could do it.

What, you want me to risk my life

so you can earn yourself a few quid?

Fuck the money. They're gonna give me a job.

That's all I need, a job,

to get my life sorted.

That bad?

Ha. Worse.

Tsk.

Dean, Dean, you're such a fuck up, man.

One life.

What, you'll do it?

You'll surf the boneyard?

Yeah.

No fear.

♪ ♪

Chloe: Looks like you've got the best seat in the house.

This is really something, Chloe.

What did you expect,

a game of pass the parcel and coco the clown?

Chloe, I...

Shh shh.

Can you hear it?

Listen.

The blowhole.

All right, you first.

Don't lie to the blowhole

if you want to stay dry.

Ok. Fire away.

You know that wave

you're always going on about?

Was it really 12 foot?

Yes, it was!

See, really was.

Eee! Ha ha!

Do you really wanna buy the aqua shack?

Yes, I do!

Are we really finished?

Yes, we are.

Aah!

Won't your friends be missing you?

I want to be with you, Chloe, not them.

Look, this is gonna sound silly, but it's...

Silly's good. I can take silly.

No, but it's serious.

Serious silly, my... my favorite.

Will you listen to me?

I thought all you cared about was impressing your friends.

I thought that's why you wanted to go round the world.

I wanna go round the world

with you, Chloe, not them.

Then every day can be like this one.

What made you realize?

I was there, j.C.,

when you told your friends

you wouldn't surf the boneyard.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, no. I just got a twinge.

You sure?

J.c., it's not going off.

Thanks a lot.

I'm sorry.

That was a stupid thing to say.

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter when you're 85.

Now it matters.

You're just worried.

Worried? What have I got to be worried about?

You're scared you might hurt yourself.

Scared?

I'm not scared.

Calm down now.

Relax.

Everything will look different

in the morning.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Absolutely.

Aah!

You're beautiful, Dean.

Cheers, Terry.

I'm beautiful.

You're many things, Terry,

but beautiful is not one of them.

You're beautiful, I'm beautiful.

Terry, Terry, slow down.

This isn't the right way. The caravan's over...

I'm gonna see Guinevere.

No, no, no, no, no. Let go,

because when they lock you up and throw away the key,

I don't still want to be holding your hand.

I love her.

It's not love, Terry.

It's a massive amount of drugs.

Listen, in a couple of hours, they'll wear off,

you'll look in the mirror,

and you'll have the biggest anxiety attack of your life.

I love her!

You're makin' a mistake!

Guinevere!

I salute you, my brave knight!

I love her!

Shit.

I'm going to a youth club.

Man: Darling, I went to sleep last night,

and when I woke up, I said...

♪ You are the dream

♪ that woke me up

♪ you're the cream in my coffee ♪

♪ a saucer for my cup

♪ whoa, I know, my baby

♪ that I've slept too long

♪ and I'm so glad now

♪ to have you home

♪ yeah

♪ I feel good

♪ and alive again

junior: Ladies and gentlemen,

let me introduce you to Josh tambini.

Look, what's this about?

It's about soul, Josh.

It's about everything that you've forgotten.

You know this record?

♪ Every day I'm payin'

♪ the price of pain

♪ payin' the price of pain

♪ price of pain

ossie sands, price of pain.

Yeah? And what did you do with it?

♪ Pain, pain

♪ hurt me

woman: You want pain, I'll give you agony.

♪ Pain, pain

look, it's not my fault the market changed.

Blah!

Aah!

Terry?

Josh: I just give people what they want.

What's so funny?

Junior: Don't you know?

It's not about money or clothes

or guest lists.

I know. I know.

Do you?

♪ Pain

♪ hurt me

♪ hoo

♪ you hurt me

♪ pain

♪ hurt me

♪ yes, you did, girl

♪ you hurt me

♪ ooh, ooh

♪ pain

♪ I can't forgive you

♪ ooh

♪ no, no

♪ no, no

♪ pain

♪ pain

♪ payin' the price of pain ♪

♪ every day, every night, every way ♪

♪ price of pain

♪ price of pain

♪ payin' the price of pain

♪ pain, pain, pain

♪ price of pain

♪ you think that lovin' me was a game ♪

My god!

Guinevere on TV: Help!

Sarah: Terry!

Help!

Where are you, my brave knight?

Where are you?

I'm coming.

Bye.

Take care.

Need a lift?

Nah. I think I'll be all right with junior.

Let me tell you something about junior.

She left 5 minutes ago.

Just how big was it when j.C. Surfed the boneyard?

Fuck off, big.

Ha ha.

Well, can we get a bit specific?

I mean, how many "fuck offs" to a foot?

Well, a "fuck off" is about the size of...

10 full-ons.

I'd like to do something like this...

Something that makes people respect you.

So do it.

I am working on it.

Dean, now is not a good time.

It is always a good time for publicity.

Bob: Morning. Morning. Morning.

What's going on?

Smuggler fm, bringing you

the big stories as they happen.

Yeah, but what... What are you doing here?

Well, you... You are the big story.

Ha ha.

No. Don't get up.

Breakfast in bed for you.

What were you doing?

Just...

Some tourist got his Van stuck in a ditch.

Just gotta go and help him out,

but then I'm gonna be right back.

Here we are.

There you go.

Don't move. Just stay there.

Far enough away?

Just a bit further.

Now, don't feel you need to mention me,

unless you want to, all right?

Live in 5.

Don't worry, boy.

Just a technical term.

God.

So, a reef break means you fall off,

you land on rock. Is that right?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Bob on radio: Well, it strikes me

you're blinkin' mad, j.C.,

but I guess that's what it takes

to surf the boneyard, so...

Good luck... Dude.

Bloody surfers.

Can't string 3 words together.

That j.C. Certainly seems like a young man

out to make a name for himself.

Chloe.

Aah!

You must think I am such an idiot.

Hang on a minute, Chloe, you don't understand.

You just have to play the hero.

Chloe, listen, if I don't do this,

I'm gonna let someone down.

Don't try and make a bigger fool of me, j.C.

Just go off around the world and let me get on with my life.

You don't mean that.

It's my life!

You don't mean that!

Yeah, go on.

You go and be Mr. Cool in front of your friends,

even if it bloody kills you.

Terry: It's going off!

Better run, j.C.

I think it's one of your friends.

Chloe. Chloe!

Chloe.

Terry: J.C.!

Not now, Terry.

I've got great news.

Not now, Terry.

I'm not getting married.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Terry, man, how am I gonna get her back?

Forget her. Go around the world.

What's happened to you, man?

Blue juice, j.C. That what I needed.

I could have wasted my life.

Yeah, but I mean, what about Sarah?

I've got to do what makes me happy,

not what other people expect me to do.

One life, no fear.

It's not as easy as that, Terry.

I keep having this dream.

I'm out at the boneyard,

and there's this monster wave,

and I'm falling, and it's gonna crash me.

You wake up, your heart's pounding,

you think, "my god!"

Yeah, what does it mean?

You're nearly 30.

Yeah, but what am I gonna do, Terry?

Whatever makes you happy!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

♪ Smuggler fm

Bob: Skies may have opened,

but one of our farmer listeners

has phoned to say his heifers are standing up,

and he thinks it's going to be a lovely day.

Gordon: My mum used to swear by thistle dew.

Hi. I've been looking all over for you.

Let me pay.

I thought you'd have got the message by now.

Yeah, well, you know, I thought you and me,

we could, um...

What?

Waitress: You're Josh tambini?

Yeah, that's what it says on the card, isn't it?

Yeah, and that's what it said

on the guy's card I served yesterday.

What guy?

About so tall. Long hair.

Came here with me?

Yeah, that's right.

Dean.

Look, listen, I...

No, you listen.

You ever think when someone's called junior

there's a senior around?

Like in this case...

The senior's ossie sands.

Sands is your father?

You used his voice,

and you didn't care what you did with it.

Yes?!

No, this isn't Dean!

What are you on about? Photographer?

Who is this?

I'm gonna kill him.

Come on, you bastard.

Outside. You're dead.

Don't be such a yob.

You stole my credit card.

I borrowed it.

Here, have it back.

You fucked up my marriage!

I never touched Karen.

Yeah, but you told the papers about me and those twins!

Well, I didn't make you shag them!

No, Dean, not the stick!

My stick.

Terry: You all right, Josh?

He started it.

What is wrong with you, Dean?

I mean, you know, you write that crap about Josh,

you broke my stick,

you fill Terry up with god knows what dodgy drugs.

No, they were just paracetamol, weren't they?

Yeah, all right, I fucked up.

Yeah, man, once too often.

You gave me drugs?!

I was trying to show you a good time, Terry.

Fuck, if it wasn't for me we'd never all be here.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, Dean.

Sorry?

I want you out of here, man.

What about the boneyard?

That's your problem.

Show Terry a good time, and Dean's your man,

then things go wrong, and I have to take all the blame?

Well, life's not a bloody fairy tale, j.C.

By tonight, Dean.

But where am I supposed to go?

I haven't got any money.

Lend us some dosh, Terry.

Hold on, j.C. I need a lift.

Josh?

You are kidding.

I hear you've been asking where j.C. Lives.

Um, I'm Terry's fiancée.

Do you know him?

Do I know Terry?

That could be me, Terry.

I could end up a loser like Dean.

Nah.

I'm nearly 30,

and what have I got to show for that?

A poxy caravan...

A bad back...

And 2 tickets to go around the world.

So sell 'em to me.

All he wanted to do was get married.

Chloe: J.c.'s just the opposite.

You know, I said wedding to him once

just to see him squirm.

I'm not kidding. Sweat.

Real drops of sweat on his forehead,

and this hunted look in his eyes.

All the time he was trying to tell me

that I hadn't frightened him.

It was Terry's idea, not mine.

Really?

Why do they think

all we want to do is settle down?

Are you sure, Terry? It's £2,000.

Terry: No problem.

As long as my loan payments haven't gone through.

Terry!

Just kidding.

Mike: You have a slight problem, do you, Dean?

I'm terribly sorry. It must be an awful line,

because for one moment I thought you just said

you didn't ever want to work in this business again.

Now, listen to me, Dean darling.

I've just driven all the way down from London

to this godforsaken, disease-ridden dump,

and I want to see somebody out there surfing!

Aah!

Look, everyone makes mistakes.

I mean, even your dad made mistakes.

Have you heard his version of old shep?

So what happened to your face?

I finally get why you want to buy this place.

It's a bit late for that.

Is it?

Yup.

Way too late.

I'm not gonna do it, Chloe.

I'm not gonna surf the boneyard,

and I'm not gonna go round the world.

Aren't you scared of what your friends may say?

The only thing I'm scared of is losing you.

It's easy to say?

I've heard it all before, j.C.

I've got an auction to get to.

Listen, the rave money will never be enough.

Well, it's all I've got.

No, it's not.

I'm selling the tickets to Terry.

As soon as he gives me the money,

I'm gonna go straight to the auction.

I can't believe you anymore.

Do you know where Terry is?

He'll be back soon.

Have a seat.

It's really blowin'.

Yeah. Gonna be some big waves, massive.

So which one are you?

Did Terry tell you about us?

What did he say?

He said j.C. Was a brilliant surfer,

but I know you're not him.

Josh was this really big record producer.

Nah. Go on.

And Dean...

I can take it.

Well, he said you had lots of unfulfilled potential.

Did he?

Well, that's a very nice way of saying

I'm a never-done-nothing, fuck-up yob.

He didn't say that.

Yeah, well, he should have done.

Are you gonna be all right on your own?

Only I've got to go and fulfill that potential.

Dean?

Terry's not with another woman, is he?

Nah.

All he does is talk about you.

Hello.

Sorry?

He said, "if you look out of the window,

you'll see king Arthur has returned," Mrs. Fenton.

Guinevere!

Mary: My god.

Guinevere, I...

Just hold it with the Guinevere shit.

You think I'm Mary fenton, don't you?

Well, it's not the first time.

I might look like her, but I'm not her.

So you might as well just clear off, Lancelot.

I'm supposed to be Arthur.

Whoever.

Sorry.

So, what were we gonna do if I had been her?

Ride off round the world?

Fly, actually.

Go on.

Giddyup.

I'm looking for j.C.

Sorry. I'm waiting for Terry.

You don't know if he said anything

about surfing the boneyard?

That's where Dean's gone to surf.

You mean j.C.

No. Dean.

Come on, we gotta go and find j.C.

God, it's getting worse.

Where's j.C.? Where's j.C.?

Ooh!

Sarah!

Where's j.C.?

Bank.

Shaper: There he is!

You're enjoying this.

You don't enjoy things like this.

Hang on!

Terry, as soon as you've dropped us off,

get to the bank, get the money,

and get to the auction. Do you understand?

Yeah.

I'm counting on you, mate.

The brakes aren't working.

Stamp on them!

I am!

Aah!

Need a lift?

Well, come on, we've got to get to the bank.

There's a bike in the back.

No!

Auctioneer: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me.

Can I ask you all to please take your seats?

I'd like to welcome you here on behalf of foster and Davis

for this afternoon's auction.

Now, I'm going to explain to you to begin with...

Stop the car.

What?

Stop the car!

There's no time to go to the beach!

No. That's too much.

How else am I gonna catch him?

Junior: What's he talking about?

Cliff hop.

Where are you, j.C.?

Wait!

Full-fucking-on!

No!

What's he gonna do?

Ride it to him, flip 360 off the lip

so he doesn't come down on the slab.

Yay! yay! Yay!

Yeah!

Now, listen, you...

You get me a couple of chicks

to pose with those two, and, um...

And this is yours.

Whoa!

Shape!

There goes 20 years of nonviolence.

Sarah: Terry, are you sure this is the way to the bank?

Terry: Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Where's the sand?

Don't ask!

Excuse me. Excuse me, what lot are we on?

Ask him.

Have you sold the aqua shack yet?

Yes, we have. Who to?

Miss... no, Mr. Toshack.

Shape, this isn't the way to the station.

Scenic route.

Trust me.

Surprise! Surprise!

I wanted the old one.

The way I see it, Chloe,

the aqua shack is wherever we are.

Right. Yeah.

This isn't just gonna be a place

for your friends to hang out?

What, this lot?

They're not my friends. They're customers.

Beg.

What, now?

Beg.

I'd do anything.

Pathetic.

I'd run down the street naked.

Yeah?

At 4:00 in the morning?

No. High noon.

I love you, Chloe.

It's another beaut day,

in the high 80s at manly beach.

Second dj: And a listener's phoned to say

the sticky buds on his eucalyptus

means rain's coming our way.

My mum used to swear by koala droppings.

Terry: What a beautiful girl.

Isn't she beautiful?

Maybe one day.

Us?

You all right, Terry? You look kinda pale.

No. Fine. Fine.

Come on. Surf's up.

Ossie: ♪ the light shines on

♪ light shines on

how was that?

Ossie, that was beautiful.

Straight into the techno mix.

Do we have to?

Got to pay the bills.

It's going off!

Whoo! Whoo!

Man: Let's go!

Come here.

What?

You're gonna miss it.

No, I'm not.

Do you want a board?

You come and see me when the old man's gone.

You and I can do some business.

Did you really surf the boneyard?

You know what triple overhead means?

Shaper: Get on with it!

Harmony.

♪ I was blind

♪ but now I see

♪ you made a believer

♪ out of me

♪ I was blind

♪ but now I see

♪ you made a believer

♪ out of me

♪ and I'm movin' on up now

♪ getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ yes, it does

♪ the light shines on

♪ I was lost

♪ now I'm found

♪ I believe in you

♪ and I've got no bounds

♪ I was lost

♪ but now I'm found

♪ I believe in you

♪ and I got no bounds

♪ and I'm movin' on up now

♪ getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ I'm gettin' out of the darkness ♪

♪ my light shines on

♪ and my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ said I'm movin' on up

♪ my light shines on

♪ and my light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ light shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ and I'm movin' on up, and the light shines on ♪

♪ my light shines on

♪ said I'm movin' on up, and the light shines on ♪

♪ my light shines on

♪ shines on

♪ my light shines on

♪ light keeps shining on me ♪

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