Original subtitles

Do you understand the gravity of your situation?

We didn't do anything. Why are we even here?

Let's change the subject. Fiji.

Smart choice.

Square bottle. Can't roll away from you.

It rolls...

Sorry you're so cramped. We're not used to interrogating entire families.

Maybe we could get a leaf for the center.

Just start from the beginning. From when you arrived.

Well, we came to the front door.

Then we took the elevator to this floor, and then--

She means when we arrived in America, you idiot.

She said arrived. How was I supposed to know?

- Yeah, but obviously she said--

I'll tell the story.

We arrived two years ago. The flight was very long.

Being in America was already affecting my daughter's posture.

My eldest son was in shock,

and my youngest, well, he's an optimistic doofus.

This is going to be great. A brand-new life.

Kamal, do you have my gum?

My ears still haven't popped.

Kamal?

He's doing that sweaty thing he does before he panic-vomits.

Such a weirdo. We should have left him in India.

- Kamal.

I had to leap into action to save my baby.

Only I knew what he needed, and exactly how many milligrams.

I don't have water, beta.

Chew.

Fortunately for my children, they have the greatest mother in the world.

Me.

Who do we have here?

"Soda, Mohawk, Bonnaroo, Camel and Window."

Sudha, Mahesh, Bhanu,

Kamal and Vinod.

But pretty close.

Chuck.

Great name. Hard to mispronounce.

The purpose of your visit?

We're moving here.

Why? Because America is full of opportunity.

And as Vedic scribes of ages past so prophetically wrote in the Upanishads--

Welcome to America, Pardips.

It's Pradeeps.

We're the Pradeeps.

Sudha, grab my harmonium.

- Ask the children, it's why we had them. - Why won't my phone work?

I'm trying to text Mallika a picture of Kamal about to puke.

I have to order American SIM cards.

Don't swear.

Look for the rental car shuttle.

I can't see anything in this awful blizzard.

It wasn't blizzarding. It was a delicate flurry at most.

I'm telling the story. That's how I remember it.

Please keep your recollections as accurate as possible.

In India, when you tell a story, you always add masala.

Well, this is America. Here, we like our stories plain.

Give me Wonder Bread.

Fine.

As we left the airport, Mahesh was driving like a scared old granny.

Drive faster, buddy!

I think we're actually passing the hospital you applied to.

I can't wait to start working.

No matter what country I'm in, cutting people open is my happy place.

No one does it better than my Dr. Sudha Pradeep.

I hate to break up the kinky foreplay,

Some radio stations here don't bleep swear words.

♪ Gonna smack that ho, hooray ♪

♪ Gonna smack that ho, hooray ♪

♪ Smack that ho, hooray ♪

♪ Smack that ho, hooray ♪

♪ Get ready, smack that ho, hooray ♪

♪ Smack that ho, hooray ♪

Good boy.

Don't be a prude, Kamal. We are in America now.

Everyone has sex here all the time.

Even the priests.

Hello?

I think he's gone mute.

Finally, a useful neurosis.

But Kamal really had gone mute.

Learn how to drive, dot head.

- The only time we heard him

was when he screamed as our life turned into a Michael Bay movie.

Michael-frigging-Bay.

Okay, so we didn't die.

Uh-huh.

From what I remember, the drive was very pleasant.

What could be more welcoming to immigrants than American flags.

Vinod was having a great time, and Bhanu was also thrilled.

That's her resting thrill face.

We finally pulled up to our new house in all its glory.

Aka, the Pradeep's Pittsburg Palace.

Home sweet home.

I like the wood accent. It's cozy.

- Kamal!

Beta, are you okay? Oh!

Great. He's already afraid of water. Now ice.

What next? Steel?

- Mm. - Mm.

I thought the place would be more furnished-- you know,

like, with anything.

Don't get me wrong. Eating off luggage is the dream.

Be grateful I had Wi-Fi set up.

The password is, "howpradeepisyourlove."

All lower case.

There's no toilet paper.

Need something.

Anything.

Slice of pizza. Not for my butt.

I'm just hungry.

I'm going to stock up tomorrow. Also get us some winter coats.

This is lame. I'm going to go for a walk.

No, no. You take one of your brothers, for protection.

Ha! Which one? Squirt?

Or the mute?

My plan was to keep walking until I was abducted

by people with toilet paper and furniture.

But something more enticing caught my eye.

♪ Damn, I wish I was your lover ♪

♪ I'll rock you 'til the daylight comes ♪

♪ Make sure you are smilin' and warm ♪

♪ I am everything Tonight I'll be your-- ♪

Four feet. Perfect for a desk for your homework.

- Excited to start school next week? - Big time.

I looked at the website.

I'll be having lunch on Wednesday with someone named Sloppy Joe.

I hate to break it to you, Sloppy Joe's not a boy.

He's a sandwich.

♪ Damn, I wish I was your lover ♪

♪ I'll rock you 'til the daylight comes ♪

Whoa!

- Shit, kid. I could've killed you. - I knew you wouldn't.

I can tell you and this truck are one.

Yeah, we've seen our share of spectacular sunrises together.

How did you get this amazing job?

Riding around all day, crushing down trash to take away more trash.

- You're a hero. - I'll put that on my Tinder profile.

- You're not local, are you? - Vinod Pradeep from Ahmedabad, India.

Greg. From Altoona. You's don't got garbage men in India?

We do. But they're mostly men going through garbage looking for food.

Nothing this glorious.

You got a very low bar, kid. Scoot, I got a schedule to keep.

I start school next week.

Maybe I can get a ride with you, learn more about your fascinating career.

Yeah, all right.

Start sniffing rotten food and dirty diapers. Get your tolerance up.

Aye-aye.

I love it here. I figured out what I want to do with my life.

See, Sudha. Five minutes in the land of opportunity,

and our son already has his own American dream.

I'm going to be a garbageman.

It's okay, we have two others.

Do we?

Bhanu's probably already frozen to death. I'm going to find her.

Bhanu!

I expected to find my daughter's stiff blue body in a snowbank.

Bhanu. Bha--

But what I saw was much, much worse.

- Cradle the shaft. - Oh, yeah?

- Finger the trigger. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, finger it real good. - Yeah.

♪ Love don't make the world turn ♪

♪ Smack that ho, hooray ♪

None of that happened.

It was a BB gun. Stu didn't say, "Cradle the shaft,"

and there was no grinding.

What is "Smack that ho, hooray"? That's not even a song.

Checks out. It's not on Spotify.

The other family is thinking about pressing charges for what you did.

Let them. We didn't do anything.

- It was Stu. - Sudha.

Yes, I'll tell them about the store and the rabbits, and the shed,

and the call from the hospital.

Hold on, you got all that from just "Sudha"?

He can convey anything with just her name.

Yeah. Papa's like Groot.

Let's test it.

Tell her this using only her name.

Sudha.

He said pizza is good. That's too easy.

One more, one more.

Sudha.

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is both complicated and tragic.

That's incredible.

You're like Penn and Teller, but, you know, you're married.

It is how he proposed.

- Sudha. - Yes.

Cute. Let's get back to the investigation.

Would you say this family feud began when Bhanu met Stu?

Mm-hmm.

Who was most upset about the relationship?

Sudha.

- What did he say? - Sudha.

Yeah, but what did he mean by "Sudha"?

Sudha. I was the most upset. Try and keep up.

Bhanu meeting Stu was the most cataclysmic moment in the history of our family.

Maybe any family.

You're writing it down too?

Yeah.

Anyone hungry?

What else can you tell us about your first encounter with Stu?

After you saw him grinding,

or possibly not grinding your daughter.

You said something earlier about rabbits. Tell me more about those rabbits.

Slow your roll.

We got a lot of stuff here-- Space X contract,

business with Stu's dad, trouble with Stu's mom.

- I mean, we got a lot of info here. - Hallway. Now!

You are blowing this interrogation.

What? I thought I was asking pertinent questions about Stu's family.

They don't know what we know that they don't think we know we know.

- I didn't know. - You're tipping our hand.

This is why friends never invite me to game night.

It definitely is.

Just let the Pradeeps do the talking.

If they're not talking, I'll do the talking.

And for God's sakes, pop an Altoid, you have hot dog breath.

Trouble in paradise?

Nope, not at all. His breath just stinks.

You said earlier that things got much worse.

Tell us about your second day in America.

I was touring a warehouse for my new business.

It was a blank canvas for all my entrepreneurial hopes and dreams.

I was like a wide-eyed child in a toy store,

but the toys I found weren't suitable for children, for even most adults.

The old tenant made sex toys. Help yourself to any dildos left behind.

I will. You're too kind.

Why are you looking at this place?

I'm starting a firm to build components for rockets.

Rockets for?

I won a Space X contract. It's so exciting.

Just wanna make sure you're not building missiles for ISIS.

- Why do you think I'd be in ISIS? - Don't make me say it.

- Okay. You're brown. - Not all brown people are terrorists.

- Well, all terrorists are brown. - Not really.

I'm going to draw you a Venn diagram.

Are you gonna lecture me or fill out the paperwork?

I have this bathroom supply company. They're interested, and they're not ISIS.

Everybody knows that people on that side of the world,

well, they don't use toilets.

Let's just get started on the lease.

Full name: Mahesh Ranchhodlal Pradeep.

Just write "Chuck."

Chuck.

Hi.

My son Kamal needs a pick-me-up.

He'll have a M&M milkshake, but instead of M&Ms,

could you please use chickpeas?

You stay here with her. I'll just be back.

Dr. Sudha Pradeep speaking.

Hi, Dr. Pradeep, this is Myra Collins from West Ridge Memorial Hospital.

Hello, Myra. So when can I start slicing and dicing?

Unfortunately, your license approval process is still a bit delayed.

Oh, come on. I started a month ago, Myra. How much longer?

Maybe another month?

I'm looking at a zoo of people devouring sugar and lard.

You're going to need all the doctors you can get.

I don't know how things are done in India, but at this hospital we have rules.

You can't do surgery without a license

and apparently, you can't sleep with the night janitor.

- We'll call with any updates.

- Hello? - Chickpea milkshake for Camel.

Camel?

Do I have a Camel?

Just when I thought I couldn't win, I saw a produce aisle all to myself.

Peace and quiet and vegetables.

♪ Damn, I wish I was your lover ♪

♪ I'll rock you 'til the daylight comes ♪

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

Mama was on fire.

Sinking healthy greens from downtown.

Nothing but cart.

I was in veggie heaven.

My own private Idaho potato.

We get it. You love vegetables.

Let's redirect back to Stu. Bhanu, tell me about your next encounter with him.

That was... magical.

I felt trapped at home, so...

I went into our backyard and discovered a winter wonderland.

Cold as hell, but still amazing.

Then I found a beautiful chariot to whisk me away.

But when my chariot broke down, I was stranded with greasy hands.

- Ah!

Until I was rescued by an unlikely prince.

Oh, hi. It's you.

- Thought I recognized your butt. - Thank you. I recognized your butt too.

I mean, I can't actually see it, but I still recognized it. In spirit.

- Your butt spirit. - Sure.

What's with your janky ride?

The chain broke. Can I get a lift home?

I was gonna go get my mom some lottery scratchers.

'Cause I'm 18 now, I can. Sure, I can do that.

When he got out, I did see his butt.

It was exactly how I remembered.

And now his hands were greasy too.

We were just two greasy kids with memorable butts.

Like a Springsteen song.

I like the way you hoist.

Tight.

I hate this weather.

I wished we'd moved to Florida, you know.

Beaches, yachts.

Nightclubbing in Miami with Pitbull.

Mr. Worldwide.

My cousin, who I used to hunt rabbits with...

- Mm-hmm. - ...he lives in Florida now.

- Oh. - That's where he's in jail.

- Dickhead never calls me. - My, God. Why did he get arrested?

Dealing Oxy.

It was only a matter of time before he got caught. He's a moron.

Sounds like my brother, Vinod.

Your kid brother deals Oxy?

No, I meant the moron part.

Oh. Aren't all Indians supposed to be brainiacs or some shit?

Yeah, and we all wear turbans and ride elephants to school.

Elephant's a dope ride.

- Can I have one? - No, they're bad for you.

So, what's India like?

Oh, beautiful.

And horrible. Like a supermodel with diarrhea.

How is it beautiful?

So many things.

Peacocks, sarees,

the blue walls of Jodhpur.

The power of the three rivers.

The way the Sri Ranganath temple looks in the moonlight.

Cool. We have three rivers too.

Sick for tubing.

Oh.

Kamal, beta. If you're feeling something, it's best to talk.

I know this move is hard for you. You thrive on consistency.

You didn't even want to stop breastfeeding until well after you could read.

I'll make a deal with you. If you try to make the best of it, so will I.

I promise it will get better.

Hey--

I'll admit, this time there was some light grinding.

It wasn't as much the grinding that bothered me as the grinder.

Hey, hey, hey, get your hands off her.

- What the fuck! You're trespassing. - You're trespassing on my daughter.

I'm 17, I can do what I want. It's my body.

It's my body, and I'm not going to let this gun-happy imbecile

fill you with herpes.

Uh, you can't just come in here and threaten people.

- When it's my daughter, I can. - Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Stay away from her, or I'll skin you like this Bambi here.

- I am an artist with a blade.

I did not try to skin him with his hunting knife.

I would have used my scalpel. Much easier for subcutaneous tissue.

What happened to the good Indian girl I raised?

I left her in India.

All that virgin-till-you're-married stuff isn't how things are in America, okay?

It's about female empowerment here. I mean, they have Megan Thee Stallion.

Well, I'm Sudha Thee Mummy. Empowered to do what?

- Screw up your life? - Yeah.

The beauty of this country is that I'm allowed to make my own mistakes.

Mistakes I'll have to clean up. Are you just trying to punish me?

Oh, my God. Why is everything about you?

Okay, I like Stu. He's different.

Yes. Bad people are different than good people.

- Oh. What were you thinking, Bhanu? - I wasn't thinking about anything.

You didn't think about how we would feel when you moved us out here.

I barely got to say goodbye to my friends.

Hey, none of this is my idea.

This is all your dad's stupid idea.

By the way, Kamal, I already called this side of the room.

You can pick which side of the closet you want, except the side I picked.

Come on, Kamal, I know you're upset,

but remember how Rohit Chakrabarti always wanted to move to America.

He was the coolest kid in school. He's still in India, and we're here.

Don't you get it? We're cooler than Rohit Chakrabarti.

Fine. Don't ever talk again.

I'll take the whole closet.

More room for my garbageman jumpsuits.

Mahesh! We need to go back to India.

We've only been here two days.

In that short span, Kamal's gone mute,

Vinod wants to be a garbageman, and Bhanu, grinding on the neighbor.

Kamal hasn't said anything? He asked for pizza to wipe his butt.

Oh. That was Vinod.

My funny boy.

- Are you even listening to me? - Kids in all countries do stupid things.

- It's not America specifically. - Really?

I specifically can't be a doctor in America.

I can't even find a Bollywood station here.

Just that endless, "Smack that ho, hey, ho, hey..."

India wasn't some paradise, Sudha.

- I wasn't circumcised as a kid. - Huh?

My parents had to take measures to let everyone know I was a Hindu

so I wasn't beaten up by other racist Hindus.

How does everything always come back to your foreskin?

I don't know, but it does.

I just found these rabbits here.

At least they died together as a family.

Yeah. They're dead.

Maybe they froze to death.

In a perfect line?

Their necks have been fractured.

- Cause of death? Racism against us. - Sudha.

Don't call me hysterical. You know I hate that word.

Sudha.

Okay, apology accepted, I'm not angry at you.

I'm angry at that grinder.

- Stu? - Yes, Stu.

You're just saying that because he's White.

His garage is a slaughterhouse.

Five dead rabbits, five of us.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon, which I am. In every other country.

Okay, now you're just blaming Stu for everything wrong in your own life.

You're such a sour lemon.

Yes, my father confirmed the rabbits are dead. Please hurry.

Don't call the police. We don't need to make this a big thing.

It's the sanitation department.

Send Greg from Altoona.

Tell him it's Vinod from Ahmedabad.

- Hello?

- Someone cut our phone line. - It's a cellphone, duffer.

Where's Kamal?

Last time I saw him, I told him we're cooler than Rohit Chakrabarti.

That kid was really cool. The dad too.

Kamal? Kamal?

He's not in his room.

- Didn't you tuck him in? - I was too busy being angry at you.

He was at dinner, right?

I think. Then again, he's not been talking, so it's hard to remember.

Okay, guys, before we panic, consider if it's better that Kamal's gone.

Oh, God. Did I leave him at the store?

Nope. I definitely remember him running away

from Stu's house like a ding-dong.

- What's a ding-dong? - You are.

And then I have no memory of him after that.

Uh-oh, lost your favorite kid. Who's gonna be your pet now?

Don't look at me. I'm closer to dad.

Thank you, Vinod. Maybe we should at least try to find Kamal, yeah?

Okay.

Okay, everyone. Coat up!

Kamal.

Kamal.

Kamal.

We need to get shoes with better traction.

Where the hell is Kamal?

We have to find him.

He's not emotionally equipped to be on his own.

Maybe he would be if he wasn't so medicated.

Are you judging me as a doctor or as a mother.

Don't answer that!

- Just do not. - No, please. Answer.

I insist.

- Found him. - Oh, thank God.

That she found Kamal.

Our dear son who's medicated just right.

Oof.

He's in the shed.

Beta, come out of there.

That shed must be full of black widows.

- Let them bite me. - He speaks.

This place-- This place terrifies me.

Well, duh! it's full of spiders.

Not the shed, America.

This isn't where I belong, where we belong.

Bhanu's in love with a gun nazi.

Mummy's fighting him, there's dead rabbits on our doorstep

and people keep calling me... Camel.

It's Kamal. I'm Kamal!

It's moments like this that really bring a family together.

But we are not that family.

I was missing all night before they even noticed,

but I noticed everything.

Mom was so mad about moving here,

but dad didn't see how bad it was until it was too late. Classic Mahesh.

- Too late?

As in after your parents did something very bad.

Kamal, beta.

Let him talk.

Despite what Bhanu says, I think she was acting out on purpose.

Oh, my God.

She was getting in way over her head with Stu.

Don't listen to him. Mama's boy doesn't know shit.

I also know why Vinod fell in love with that garbage truck.

He couldn't cope with the trauma of losing our life in India.

I know that because mom made me read the pamphlet about the grief cycle.

Wrong. Big V just loves garbage. Booyah!

Let me spell this out. Your neighbor's house was burned to the ground.

Completely destroyed. Someone dumped a mountain of garbage on the lawn.

- What do think about that, Big V? - Big V's not remembering too well.

Maybe there's something in your wallet that might jog my memory.

We think the rabbits were just the beginning of a much bigger feud.

We're not in a feud with our White-trash neighbors we hate.

- It sounds like you are. - We didn't start the fire.

- Okay, Billy Joel. - Who's Billy Joel?

Well, someone here burned down your neighbor's house,

and if you can't convince us you're not guilty...

Tell them what's waiting.

- Really, me? - Yeah.

Well, per felony code 457.1 B,

with respect to the detainees' immigration status...

you'll all be deported.

Well, that's a buzzkill.

Next on The Pradeeps of Pittsburg...

- Oh-oh-oh-oh.

And then Stu forced his dirty meat into my daughter's mouth.

You need to confront Stu's parents about those dead rabbits.

We haven't even met them yet. You want to greet them with accusations of racism.

You the new Indians on the block?

Where's Vinod?

Waiting for a ride to school on that garbage truck.

What's up, Dumpster boy?

How does your mother calm you down?

She puts my head in her lap and French-kisses me.

- That's disturbing. - It'll be easier if I just show you.