Original subtitles

[brooding music playing]

I think you're gonna need a bath, huh?

Hey, come here. Very messy.

I've still got a couple of hours before I see him.

It's a long drive, and Charlie wants to get home and unpacked and stuff.

I'm so excited to see him.

-I can't believe it's been two months. -Yeah, same.

How are you feeling?

[sighs] I don't know.

It's been a long two months.

-Have you done any journaling? -[chuckles softly]

Uh, still don't really think I'm a journaling sort of person.

[chuckles] Everyone can journal, Nicholas. It helps you process your emotions.

If I didn't journal every day, I'd have a breakdown.

You don't have to give me the whole pitch again.

Have you even tried it?

Right, if I try it, will you stop pressuring me?

[chuckles] Yes. I promise.

[Nick] You know that saying, "Things get worse before they get better"?

I think I understand that now.

[Nick] Back in September, Charlie had a GP appointment.

Uh, yes. Thursday, 9:45.

Yes, that's great. Thank you.

[Nick] He said he hates going to the doctor's.

I mean, who enjoys going to the doctor's?

Especially for something like this.

It must've gone okay because he got referred to an eating-disorder service.

But the first appointment wasn't until January.

Things started to get really bad after that.

His eating disorder got worse.

Can you just stop trying?

-[Isaac] You can talk to us. -We're just worried about you.

Well, can you stop? I don't have to tell you everything.

[Nick] Then he started getting really angry.

Then he stopped talking to me about it.

["Black Friday" by Tom Odell playing]

He started skipping school a lot.

It was a spinning wheel that was just getting faster,

and it was becoming unbearable for him.

I'm sorry.

I… I didn't mean to.

[Nick] And you know he told me he used to self-harm?

It's okay.

I just feel so shit all the time.

[sniffles]

I've been so horrible to you and everyone else, and…

I hate feeling like this.

I'm sorry.

-[sniffles] -It's okay. It's okay.

I read up about it online as well,

and it said you had to make them feel cared for and not judge them.

It didn't feel like enough… but I guess I tried.

-I tried to just be there. -♪ I wanna go party… ♪

I love you.

♪ I wanna have fun… ♪

-[Nick] You're too good at this game. -[Tori] What?

-No! Tori! -This is amazing.

Tori!

See how the hair flicks. Those crazy… Oh!

-Charlie! You can't do that. -[laughing]

[all chanting] Darcy! Darcy! Darcy! Darcy!

Darcy! Darcy!

Darcy! Darcy!

-[all cheering] -[squealing]

Oh my God, is it… [chuckles]

[indistinct chattering]

♪ …black taxi ♪

♪ You take my hand… ♪

[Nick] He knew the compulsions made no sense.

But he didn't know how to stop them. Neither did I.

-[Charlie sniffles] It was an accident. -I know.

[Charlie] I just feel so stupid.

I know. It… it's not your fault.

[Charlie] But I can't stop it. [sobs]

[Charlie sobbing]

Do you think…

maybe you should tell your parents?

[Charlie] Dad said it had to be my decision.

Do you think it'd help?

Not really.

But I'd get to skip school for a bit, so…

["Black Friday" continues]

♪ I want a better body ♪

♪ I want better skin ♪

♪ I wanna be perfect ♪

-♪ Like all your other friends… ♪ -Don't cry.

If you cry, I'll cry.

Not sure I can help it.

♪ Every time you touch me ♪

♪ I feel adrenaline ♪

♪ It's Black Friday ♪

♪ The end of the week ♪

♪ You take my hand ♪

♪ And hold it gently Up against your cheek… ♪

[Nick] It was weird being at school without Charlie.

He wasn't allowed his phone in there, so I couldn't even ask how he was.

["Black Friday" fades out]

[Nick] I guess I tried to keep myself busy or distracted or both.

[tires screech]

[Nick] I wasn't very good at it though.

Do you think he's okay? Yeah. Me too.

At least he doesn't have to wait until January.

He's probably made friends as well.

Yeah, I think so.

[Nick] Sai, how much do you play this game?

Where's Charlie been? He's missed the last four practices.

He's, uh… he's just off sick at the moment.

Shit. Must be bad if he's been off this long.

Yeah, he's

pretty bad.

-[Christian] Seriously? -What's going on with him?

I… I can't, um…

-I just can't really talk about it. -All good, mate.

Yeah. We're here for you.

[game music resumes]

-[Sai] Charge lightning. -[Christian] You have a sword?

[Otis] He's here.

[Nick] Charlie said I could tell our friends what was going on.

He didn't want them all visiting, but they found a way to show their support.

[Imogen] Pretty box.

[Sahar] Maybe we could put self-care stuff, like face masks.

-Love it. -What about board games?

-No, wait, Top Trumps. -[chuckling]

-Do you think they make gay Top Trumps? -[chuckles] I dunno.

I'll make a book list for him.

What about movies? Does he have access to a Blu-ray player?

-Yeah, probably. -[Imogen] What's a Blu-ray player?

-[chuckling] -[Tao] You don't know what Blu-ray is?

Did Sahar tell you she's having a massive Halloween party?

Yeah. Imogen keeps on sending me couples' costume ideas.

-[laughs] So you're gonna come, then? -I don't know.

You could use a night out. I know I could.

-[melancholy music playing] -Yeah, it just… it just feels weird.

Without him?

Yeah.

[upbeat dance music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

[dance music playing]

Nicholas! You were supposed to be my Ken!

This was all I could find.

But we agreed something. What about the photos?

[laughter]

-[girl] Do you want more drink? -[Tao moaning creepily]

[Tao chuckles]

I'm making a video for Charlie so he knows how much we love him.

You should say something.

Nicholas Nelson, what do you have to say to your boyfriend, Charlie Spring?

[poignant music playing]

-[music softens] -[chuckles]

Hi, Charlie.

I love you.

-[music fades] -[dance music resumes]

Well, you heard it here first, folks.

Nick Nelson loves Charlie Spring.

-Okay, that's great. Thank you. -Oh, Tao! Cool rabbit costume.

-I'm clearly Frank from Donnie Darko. -What?

We watched it last week.

-No, we didn't. -Were you asleep again?

-Ooh! -Were you asleep again?

-[Isaac] I might have been asleep! -I swear! I will…

[dance music playing]

[glass shattering]

[up-tempo indie music playing]

[Isaac] Oh.

[dance music playing]

[edgy dance music playing]

[vomiting]

Everyone kisses everyone when they're drunk.

I'm allowed to experiment.

This is literally like when I got a boyfriend,

and she got mad at me for literally no reason.

-[pounding dance music playing] -[squealing]

[dance music playing]

[drum and bass music playing]

[Tara] You came!

Oh, no. No.

[dance music playing]

[vomiting]

[dance music playing]

[excited whooping]

[dance music playing]

-[music ends] -[Nick breathing heavily]

[dance music thumping in distance]

Mind if I join?

[pensive music playing]

Yeah, go on.

[playful yelling in distance]

[Tao sighs]

[Nick sighs emotionally]

[sobbing]

[Nick] At the start of November,

Charlie phoned from the clinic for the first time.

Well, next year, I'm gonna make you go as Spider-Man.

[Charlie] Your Marvel agenda is never gonna work on me.

Hmm. Even if I go as Mary Jane?

You know, do the upside-down kiss?

Okay, maybe I can be persuaded.

So I have anorexia and OCD.

Oh.

Yeah, there's not really an un-awkward way to say that.

I… I guess that makes sense.

[hesitates] I mean, I was a bit surprised by the OCD, but…

I have all these rules in my head about food,

and if I don't follow them, I feel like I'm gonna die. [chuckles awkwardly]

Sorry, I… have to laugh about it, or I'll just cry.

[Nick inhales shakily]

Well, even if you do have anorexia and OCD, the word "sorry" is still banned.

Aww. Can't I play the mental-illness card now?

Mm-mm-mm.

No. The S-word rule still applies to the mentally ill.

-[Charlie chuckles] -[chuckling]

[solemn music playing]

[Nick] I'd visit him with his family a couple times a week after that.

Part of me wished I could go every day, but

he needed space.

What?

Nothing.

I'm still not sure if Tori likes me.

-[man] Hello. Welcome back. -Hi. Nice to see you.

Um… okay.

-[man] It's just there. -[mum] Thank you.

Tori?

♪ I've been tryin' to tell ya ♪

♪ I've been dyin' to tell ya ♪

♪ Want you all to myself ♪

♪ I want you all to myself ♪

♪ And when we leave all the parties ♪

♪ When we're not in our bodies ♪

♪ When we're up in a spaceship ♪

♪ That's when I feel the greatest… ♪

[Nick] I knew he wasn't magically better or anything like that.

♪ Made a wish on elevens Made a wish… ♪

[Nick] I know it doesn't work like that.

And I knew staying away from home was a risk.

It could've been horrible. For some people, it doesn't help at all.

♪ I was lost till I found ya ♪

♪ I think angels surround ya ♪

[whimsical music playing]

Can you kiss me, please?

[romantic music playing]

[Nick] Maybe it's just me hoping for the best.

But honestly?

I think it helped. I really do.

-[sighs] -[doorbell rings]

[suspenseful music playing]

[tinkling]

[soaring romantic music playing]

[music fades]

[solemn music playing]

[Charlie] I guess a lot's happened since I last wrote anything.

The past few months have not been great.

[Dr. Imran] Have you been exercising excessively?

No.

-[Dr. Imran] Do you make yourself sick? -No.

[Dr. Imran] Would you say you think about food almost all of the time?

[mum] Yes. I think that's accurate.

I'd say that was accurate, wasn't it?

[Charlie] My therapist said I should write about it in my journal.

[discordant music playing]

[cell phone vibrates]

[heartbeat thumping]

-[distorted crackling] -I've asked you three times.

Come downstairs. Get out of bed.

Charlie, get out of bed.

[crackling stops]

[Charlie] It's hard to talk about it.

["Serotonin" by Angie McMahon playing]

[Charlie] Staying in the clinic for months was not my plan.

But I should count myself lucky that my parents could afford it.

And that I went to one that managed to help me.

From what I've read online,

some people come out of these places even worse

'cause they get treated like shit.

I didn't get treated like shit.

I had Susan.

Anything with a camera in, I'm afraid. It's for everyone's safety and wellbeing.

Okay, but how do I talk to my friends?

[Susan] Well, there is a landline on the ward.

Much nicer than DMing your friends on Snapchat

or whatever it is you kids are using these days.

♪ And things were changing Like I hoped they would ♪

♪ Changing like I hoped They would change… ♪

[knocking on door]

[Susan] Rise and shine, Mr. Spring. It's a beautiful new day!

♪ I had to change… ♪

[sighs] Mine's bad.

Well, we can't all be artists.

[Charlie chuckles softly]

[chuckling]

[Charlie] It's also where I met Geoff.

♪ Start to wean off medication… ♪

Hi, Charlie. I'm Geoff.

-Hi. -[Geoff] I'm gonna be your therapist here.

Shall we sit down and get to know each other? Have a little chat?

Okay.

♪ When you halt antidepressants… ♪

[indistinct chattering]

[Charlie] I still had to do schoolwork, which actually made me feel better,

knowing I wasn't gonna be behind when I got out of there.

-[girl] What are you studying? -It's just chemistry.

-I hate chemistry. Never understood it. -Same. It doesn't make sense to me.

And I met a few nice people.

Probably not, like, lifelong friends, but I wasn't alone.

[Susan] I know you can do it, Charlie.

Come on.

[Charlie] I think a part of me didn't even want to get better

because putting in the effort to change seemed too hard.

I can't.

I know you can.

[Charlie] I thought food was something I could control,

but it was the other way around.

♪ I keep moving through the cycle… ♪

[Charlie] I could've called Nick whenever I wanted,

but I was still feeling so horrible, and I didn't want him to worry.

[sighs] I don't even know what I would have said.

"I hate it here, and I can't stop crying"?

I don't really get it.

For some people,

an eating disorder is about body image.

Losing weight, calorie counting.

But from my perspective,

your eating disorder is connected to obsessions and compulsions.

Eating the right thing at the right time and in the right circumstances.

Charlie, does that sound accurate?

Yeah.

[Geoff] And when those obsessions become particularly intense,

that can trigger the urge to self-harm?

Yeah.

Okay.

So let's unpack that.

[Charlie] The actual eating-disorder treatment stuff was not very fun.

-♪ Hey, I get real low… ♪ -[knocking on door]

♪ On serotonin ♪

♪ Everything was thrown into shadow ♪

♪ Wait, I got real low ♪

♪ On serotonin… ♪

[knocking on door]

♪ It's just something I am trying… ♪

[inaudible]

♪ Have to change it up a while ♪

♪ Might be futile ♪

-♪ I don't mind them… ♪ -[inaudible]

Nick really wants to talk to you.

Yeah, I…

I wanna talk to him too.

He's my favorite.

Your friends are quite annoying, but I like him.

[Susan] If I let you call your boyfriend, do you solemnly swear

that you'll stop telling me how amazing and wonderful he is

and making me feel forever alone?

-I don't know if I can promise that. -[scoffs]

Well, I tried to stand up for myself.

[both chuckle]

[Susan] Go on.

[Charlie] Sorry. I…

I have to laugh about it, or I'll just cry.

[Nick] Well, even if you do have anorexia and OCD, the word "sorry" is still banned.

Aww. Can't I play the mental-illness card now?

[Nick] Mm-mm-mm.

No. The S-word rule still applies to the mentally ill. [chuckles]

-Could you do me a favor before I go? -Yeah, of course.

Could you look up Tao's number?

-I've been making you a present. -You don't have to.

Shut up. Yes I do.

Okay. What is it?

[Tao] Uh, it's a surprise.

-Then why mention it? -Fine, I won't say anything next time.

[chuckles softly]

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about all of this.

Well, I didn't exactly make it easy for you.

You were having your summer of love.

-It's not a crime. -Yeah. Well, I love you too.

So…

Can I ask you how you are?

Or is that kind of a shit question right now?

Yeah, it's kind of a shit question right now.

Is it horrible there?

No. It's not horrible.

It's hard, and I wish I was at home,

but I think it was a good decision.

Well, that makes me feel better. Not that

how I feel matters at all, but, you know.

It does matter.

I hate that you were so…

And I had no idea.

I was good at hiding it.

But I missed it.

I totally missed it.

Can you explain what happened with Imogen and Sahar?

Nick was being way too empathetic, and I don't really know what happened.

Oh! Oh my God. Yes, okay, so, Imogen was doing shots, like, all night.

I mean, a whole bottle of tequila.

A whole bottle, and, um…

-[gently uplifting music playing] -[mum] Um… okay.

[chuckles softly]

[chuckles softly]

Yeah. No, I signed…

He's got this vintage video camera,

and he's made this film or documentary.

-I'm not actually sure. -Okay. I'm intrigued.

[Tao] Okay.

This is take four.

Marker.

[clears throat]

Hi, my name is Tao Xu,

and this is my short film about the everyday lives of my friends group.

Well, my friends group minus one who we all love very much.

I hope that by watching this video,

he'll feel like he's been here the whole time

because, in a metaphorical way, he has.

-[Isaac] Tao, that doesn't make any sense. -Yeah. It does.

-[Isaac] Uh, okay. -Here beginneth the film.

Hey, Charlie, so, um, I read The Song of Achilles like you suggested.

And I know you said it was gonna have a sad ending,

but, um, I wasn't prepared, and I cried for about four hours,

so thank you for that, Really appreciate that.

Uh, I'm… I'm kind of mad at you, actually, 'cause, um… uh, well…

'cause I asked you if you were okay, and I guess you just lied.

I mean, I sort of knew that. Uh…

It's not your fault though, Charlie, I know. I just, um…

I hope when you get back, you don't feel like you have to lie to us.

'Cause you don't. We're never gonna judge you.

Um…

We love you, so… yeah.

-[yells creepily] -[yelps] Oh my God.

[Tao] Come on, Isaac, we need to do the tour. Take the camera.

[Isaac] Oh! Hot off the press, guys.

Barbie and Dracula seen making out at a house party.

[chuckles] What is going on here?

Oh! [chuckles]

Whoo! [giggling]

-Lol. -Get… Is this just a joke to you?

[Tao] Cut. Cut the camera. It's breaking my documentary code of ethics! Cut!

-[Isaac] Uh-oh. -[Tao] Isaac!

I'm just documenting reality like you wanted, Tao. This is your vision.

-Okay. Come on. Let's go. -[chuckles]

[eerily] Ooh! Ooh.

-Wait, I want to talk to Charlie. -Hello!

Hi, Charlie, I just wanted to let you know that I'm trying out "they/them" pronouns.

I'm just seeing how I feel. I don't know.

But I feel like you'd get it.

-He gets it. -Yeah.

-Really? -Yeah.

-[Elle] Aww, Darcy. -[Tao] Come here.

[Elle] Come here, you.

-[all] Aww! -[Elle] There we are, all together.

[Tao] Psst.

-Tell him. Tell him. -[chuckles softly]

-So I posted a new painting on Instagram… -[Tao] Yeah?

And now I have over 10,000 followers.

[Tao] Wow! My girlfriend is a famous artist.

10,000's not that many. Go talk to Tara about her new prefect thing.

[Tao] Oh, yeah. Let me introduce you to Higgs' newest school prefect.

-Tao, it's not a big deal. -It's the biggest deal!

My girlfriend is the smartest person in the entire world.

She's a prefect.

She goes to Oxbridge prep group.

-She dances. She plays the clarinet. -Darcy, stop!

Tao, give me that.

[Tara] I don't know if you have a phone in there, Charlie,

but I think he'd like to hear your voice.

-[Ajayi] It's lovely. -[Farouk] Look, it's identical.

-[Ajayi] They are from a packet. -In what universe have you ever had--

-I can't cook. -You make noodles from scratch?

-[Tao] Say hi to Charlie, sir. -[clears throat] Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Uh, there's a spare seat waiting for you for when you get back.

Okay, thanks, Tao.

Bye, Charlie.

Thank you, Tao, for…

-Bye, Tao. -Okay.

[Elle] I know this looks like a painting for you,

but if this turns out really good, then I'm keeping it.

[sighs]

I miss you, Charlie.

I love you.

[Isaac giggling]

[Tao] Okay, okay.

[Tao clears throat]

-Hi, Charlie. -Hi, Charlie.

I think this is the end of the video now. Maybe.

We just wanna say, when you get home, we've got a lot planned.

-Do we? Oh God. -Yeah.

I mean, no. There's just a lot to look forward to. That's what I mean.

Yeah. Definitely.

And we love you, and we miss you.

Our friends group really isn't the same without you.

[Isaac] Mm.

But we know you're doing what you need to do right now.

Yeah.

And I hope that this video makes you feel… loved.

Yeah, although I am still mad at you about The Song of Achilles.

-What's that? -It's a book thing. Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Nicholas Nelson, what do you have to say to your boyfriend, Charlie Spring?

[poignant music playing]

Um…

Hi, Charlie.

I love you.

[poignant music intensifies]

[twinkling]

[Charlie] Being at the clinic didn't magically cure me of mental illness.

[Geoff] I know it's scary, but you're ready for this, Charlie,

and we can carry on our sessions once a week for as long as you need.

So even if it's terrible out there,

I'll be here to help.

[Charlie] But it got me out of the deep end.

[hopeful music playing]

[Susan chuckling]

Aww.

-You are gonna be all right. -[chuckles softly]

-Thank you. -Just trust yourself. Yeah?

Aw, come here.

-Right. Kicking you out now. -Okay.

[dad sighs]

Ready?

Yeah.

[hopeful music continues]

[car engine starts]

[Charlie] Maybe I won't ever get back to normal, whatever that is.

I think that's okay though.

It's not gonna be a straightforward journey.

It's probably just the beginning.

[sighs softly]

[knocking on door]

Hey.

Um, dinner at seven?

Yeah.

It says lasagna on your meal plan for today. Is… is that all right?

Yeah.

-[mum chuckles softly] -[Charlie] Mum?

-Yeah? -[music stops]

Do I have time to go and say hi to Nick? I'll be back for dinner. I promise.

[romantic music playing]

Okay.

[chuckles] Go on, then.

[Charlie chuckles softly]

[romantic music intensifies]

[chuckles]

[chuckles softly]

[Charlie chuckles]

[romantic music swells]

[gentle tinkling]

[leaves rustling]

[gentle tinkling]

[music fades]

[whimsical music pulses]

[music intensifies]

[music fades out]