Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see ♪

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Congratulate me, Sophia.

I finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.

Big deal. It took you six months.

On the box it said 2‐4 years.

(indistinct conversation)

The Carlton Hotel called, they have a problem.

They're overbooked tomorrow. They wanna know if we could handle a bachelor party.

Yeah, we can do that. We just need to order some more beer.

Yeah, we can borrow some dirty videos from Blanche.

Okay, boys, but be kind. Please rewind.

And, they want us to hire a stripper

and have her pop out of the cake.

‐I'll be in charge of that. ‐You can handle that?

Hey, no problem man. I'll just need a table, some whipped cream,

some frosting, oh and some sparklers.

Sparklers? What‐‐ For the cake?

No, the auditions.

I don't know about hiring a stripper for the hotel. That's a little rough.

My Charlie never was interested in strippers or any of that smut.

I guess growing up in a country on a cattle range,

gave him a different idea of what constituted a good time.

He was more into nice quiet dinners at home, huh?

No, leather.

What can be keeping Stan's attorney?

And I still can't imagine why he wants to come over here to talk to us.

Well, if I know that cheap ex‐son‐in‐law of mine,

‐there's only one thing he could want. ‐What?

His toupee back.

If the man wants to take me on a fishing trip, I keep what I catch.

Why would he send a lawyer?

Uh, I owe him a little money.

You owe Stan money for what?

Neck job.

You had your neck done?

Yeah, I got tired of people saying, "My, what an unusual scarf."

Now, look, when Stan's attorney gets here, I'll do the talking.

Why should you do the talking? I'm not stupid.

I know how to talk to a lawyer.

Hi. I'm Herb Jenkins, Stan's attorney.

Oh, yes, my liege.

I'm representing Mr. Zbornak in absentia.

Absentia? What's Stan doing in Europe?

Uh, you must be Rose.

I've been given specific written directions to find a Blanche Devereaux.

Oh gee, now I haven't heard that since

the Shriners had that scavenger hunt.

Well, actually the reason I'm here is the last time I saw Stan he gave me instructions to‐‐

Whatever the reason he better have one damn good excuse for not coming here in person.

Stan is dead.

I just can't believe Stan is dead.

‐I mean, a young man like that in the prime of his life. ‐Yeah.

Have you ever noticed how as we get older

the prime keeps moving back?

I know.

My father was just 85 when he died.

A baby.

I still remember his last words.

Oh, honey what were they?

Okay for the last time

no more screwing around Rose, get this thing off me.

And then poof he was gone.

Well, at least we know we were very good to Stan.

Yeah, it's not like we bad‐month Stan behind his back.

Hey, check this out some bozo just tipped me a Canadian quarters

Man, dude pulled a real Stan on me.

So, how are we gonna tell Sophia?

We'll break it to her gently tonight, just before we put her to bed.

Guess who I just ran into?

Not Stan, he's dead.

Well... Time for bed, Sophia.

What did she say?

Sophia, Stan is dead.

Oh!

Are you okay, honey?

I don't know what to say.

Well, what can you say about a man who's always been a burden

and now is finally gone. A man who never lived up to his responsibilities,

who ran out on your daughter, who never thought of anybody but himself?

I'd say I'll miss him.

Me, too.

I guess as much as the two of us are gonna miss him,

you'll miss him even more, Sophia.

Well, he was part of my family for over 40 years.

So... How did it happen?

Well, apparently, he died while making love.

Oh, poor Stan.

There's nothing worse than dying alone.

At least we know he went quickly.

Um‐hum. Okay, thank you very much.

I'll see you then. (chuckles)

The stripper is all set, ah!

And I got a great deal.

‐How much? ‐100% off.

Stripper? No, no, no.

I've had second thoughts about that.

Yeah. I can't stop thinking about her, either.

Look, I'm hardly a prude,

but‐‐ but if a man loves a woman, why would he want to spend the night

before he gets married looking at someone else?

Last gas before the freeway?

Well, I think it's wrong.

Oh come on, Rose, everybody needs a little fantasy now and then

to help them get through the day.

When I attract a man, it's because of my brains.

Now, you see there?

Look, Rose, I understand your concern

but this is a male ritual that has been going on forever

it's not an exploitation of women.

Yeah, I mean, what about if I took my clothes off for bunch of screaming women,

what would you call that?

Pee‐wee's Big Adventure

Don't run, don't‐‐ It's gonna be worse if you run.

Well, here you are, Sophia. Honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

They're picking us up for the funeral in 20 minutes.

Now wasn't that something of Stanley,

ordering a limousine for us?

I mean, him having it put in the will and all?

Well, he must've really loved us.

Yeah.

Gee, I'd love to know what else was in that will. I mean, he must be worth‐‐

Oh, a million, million and a half easy...

and he didn't have a friend in the world.

Oh, my God, I'm rich!

You?

What makes you think he left you anything?

I was his favorite. Why, he was in love with me for years.

Oh, he was not!

Oh, he most certainly was. All men are, but bald men especially.

Bald men have always found me very attractive.

Oh, I can't tell you how many times I've looked down and thought I had three boobs.

All right, you two that's enough.

We're talking about a man who died here.

Sophia's right. I don't care about Stan's will.

I just wish he was still here to talk to.

Yeah. Me, too.

Um, well...

Better be on our way.

Yeah.

You coming, Sophia?

Give me a minute.

All right. We'll be waiting for you, hon.

Okay, Lord, this is the deal.

Please let Stanley into heaven. Yeah, I know, I know it will ruin it for everyone else,

but the truth is, he deserves it. He's always done his best.

Hi. It's me, Stan.

Not now, yutz. I'm praying.

Sophia, it's really me.

Oh, Stan! Hold it!

You're not haunting me, are you?

No!

Are you sure? Because you smell like you're decomposing.

I was hiding in the trash bin. No. I really am alive.

Oh, Stan!

How do you like the neck?

Look at that.

What a great summer look for you.

Oh, Sophia, I'm so happy you're taking this well

because I thought you might be angry at me for being alive.

I'm thrilled. My Stanley's alive. Why should I be angry?

Because I faked my death. I'm in trouble with the I. R. S.

You faked your death? You know what I've been going through?

Look, I had to do this.

The I. R. S. caught wind of some creative bookkeeping I was doing.

I would've gone to prison. I‐‐ I couldn't let that happen.

Can you imagine me confined to some filthy, cramped room

spending my life with 100 other men?

So what are you gonna you do now?

I hired on as a steward on a tramp steamer.

Stan, how could you do this to your kids?

I called Kate and Michael and I told them.

They know what's going on. I'm not heartless, Sophia.

What about Dorothy? Have you told Dorothy?

Sophia, she was my wife for 38 years.

Do you actually think that I could keep silent

while she mourned my passing?

She would have turned you in.

In a heartbeat!

Of course I didn't tell her.

In another month, when things settle down, I want you to tell her,

but I couldn't leave the country without telling you the truth.

You mean a lot to me, Sophia. You always have.

You're not gonna get away with this, they're gonna catch you.

No, they won't. I've planned everything down to the last detail.

Where can I get in touch with you?

I wish I could tell you, but the less you know, the better.

Well, I'm off to Madrid.

Or Rome or Paris or Cairo, But probably not Madrid. Not‐‐not.

Let's go over this uh, checklist again

to make sure we get everything ready for the bachelor party.

Okay. Food check, beer check, cigars check,

entertainment. I know, no check, just cash.

Okay, Bambi, uh, Chris and his friends should be here any minute.

So why don't you go ahead and go in the kitchen and get ready.

‐Okay. ‐Roland: Okay.

Roland and Chuy: Boom, ba‐ba boom, ba‐ba boom.

‐I love this job. ‐Oh, yeah.

Hi, can I help you ladies?

I hope so, sweet cheeks.

We're here for my friend Chris' bachelorette party.

You're Chris.

Bachelor‐ette party?

Yeah, I arranged it on the phone with someone named Rose. Is there a problem?

Yes, but we think it's neurological.

Um...

Why don't you ladies go ahead and get comfortable.

And, we're gonna go uh, get the Parcheesi board

and uh, get the punch out of the fridge.

Tell you what, this is her last night as a free woman,

so why don't you just pop open the Jim Beam,

crank up The Rolling Stones,

and drop your pants, butter buns.

We paid for a stripper, and we wanna see someone shake their booty.

(screaming)

(chuckles nervously) We're just gonna be over there.

girls: Boom ba‐da boom, ba‐da boom, ba‐da boom...

What are we gonna to do, man? These women are animals!

No, they‐‐ they're not animals, Chuy.

‐They're just some girls out having some fun. ‐Oh!

(girls chanting and shouting) Beefcake! Beefcake! Beefcake! Ohh!

(objects shattering)

I'm so very scared.

‐I'm not going out there! ‐I'm not going out there, either!

Somebody's got to get in the cake.

Odds.

(softly) One, two, three.

‐Ahh! ‐Damn! Come on, come on, 2 out of 3, man.

Get in the cake, butter buns.

I don't feel right about this.

‐Boom ba‐da boom‐‐ ‐Hey, man!

Kidding.

Blanche: Wow! Would you look at the size of this crowd that showed up for Stan's funeral.

Hey, give the people what they want, they always show up.

Sophia, it's not nice to speak ill of the dead.

Believe me, I'm not.

Hello. So nice to see you.

Well, Rose, what do you know about that?

A bald man was glad to see me.

Well, I want to thank you all for coming.

Stanley Zbornak meant a great deal to all of us,

but before I bring a few of his friends up here to honor him,

I'd like to show you a few minutes of a videotape that Stan himself made

just weeks before his tragic and unexpected death.

Lights!

Hi. It's me, ghost Stan.

Boo!

No, I'm kidding. It's regular Stan.

And uh, this is just a little something

I put together to show at my own funeral someday.

I want to thank you all for turning out to bid me farewell today,

and to honor you, I've written a special poem called, What my friends mean to me.

"My friends sure mean a lot to me.

Yes, a lot they mean, indeed."

Live from Miami!

It's the International Bikini Fest.

Where we'll show you more,

or should I say less,

of the latest‐‐

Lights! Lights!

He taped over it. He taped over his own funeral message.

Well!

I guess I should screen these before I...

Well, we certainly got the gist.

And now I'd like to invite some of Stan's closest friends

up here to say a few words about him.

Attractive, intelligent, sexy.

These are just a few of the words Stan used to describe me.

But Stan was a very important part of my life,

as he was to all our lives.

I first met Stan when he was a novelty salesman,

and well, I guess God needed a whoopee cushion laugh,

so... He decided to, squeeze the air out of Stan.

Wake up, Fluffer, wake up!

But she never did.

Now, I know a half hour is a long time to spend talking about a dead cat,

oh, but she was really so‐‐

Get to it!

So, speaking of dead cats,

How about this Stanley?

What a loss.

He was a special man, this Stanley,

This marvelous thing called Stanley.

Boo!

Hoo. Boo‐hoo.

And now I have the honor of reading to you.

His epitaph‐‐

The epitaph of a great American.

"Here lies Stan Zbornak,

beloved son, model citizen, caring father,

faithful husband‐‐"

All right. That's it.

I can't listen to any more of this.

Oh, Mrs. Petrillo, I know you're in pain,

but of course, it is... "Through pain that healing comes."

He's right, Sophia, honey.

You're suffering right now, but‐‐

I'm not suffering. I'm telling you, Stan is not dead.

Oh, of course he's not dead honey, in our hearts.

Yes! So, as it is written... "He shall live on

as love in all of our hearts."

He wasn't alive in my heart. He was alive in my kitchen! He spoke to me in my kitchen.

"As he shall speak to me in the dell...

And in the village for the poor and rich alike."

Look, the man smelled from garbage. He said, he was going to Madrid.

Uh...

Uh... Yea, though the elderly may become feeble,

and their minds might turn to custard‐‐

Let go of me! He's not dead!

Sophia! Get a hold of yourself!

Open the box!

Music! Music!

So uh, as a professional how do you think he's doing?

‐Well, his moves are pretty good. ‐Um‐hum.

He's focused and he's connected to the audience.

If he could just stop crying, I'd give him a ten.

Oh, here comes his big finish.

Roland: Ow! Paper cut!

You really got to hand it to Roland.

He's handled this thing with a lot of dignity.

(girls squealing)

Okay! All right! The show's over! Topaz has left the building!

Topaz?

Yeah man, they gave me a stage name. I feel so cheap!

Come on, man. I thought you did great.

Those women really got their money's worth.

You saved the day, man.

No. I feel horrible,

just awful man. I mean, they acted like they'd never seen a man before.

They were treating me just like I was a...

Piece of meat?

‐Yeah. ‐Bambi: Hmm.

That's how I felt the first time I stripped at a bachelor party,

‐But you'll get over it. ‐How?

Well, when I'm working I just try to keep my mind on other things,

like the crisis in the Middle East or the economy or nuclear proliferation.

Of course, I don't smile a lot when I strip.

Yeah, you know when I was the most humiliated

when they started stuffing money down my pants.

You know what's even worse?

‐Making change. ‐Yeah.

(silently) I hate that.

Ay, well look on the bright side, Roland.

I mean, this is the last time

you'll ever be humiliated like this.

Yeah. Lucky me.

Well, I guess I should be going my taxi's probably here by now.

Yeah.

Hey, Bambi. Why don't you uh, let us walk you out?

Yeah.

Wow. That's really sweet. Thanks.

Hey, have you ever done a show before, and nobody's tipped you at all?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes a whole audience will pull a real Stan on you.

Boy, that was some scene, Sophia made at the cemetery.

I know, to throw herself on top of the coffin like that,

screaming and yelling?

And then to fall asleep there.

Weird how that guy came up and measured her.

I wonder why Stanley left directions

that his will be read the same day as the funeral.

I don't know.

Boy, he didn't leave us what we thought he would. Did he?

(chuckles) He didn't leave us anything.

And how come he left all his money to some yahoo in Madrid?

Who does he know in Madrid?

Would you two stop it?

The man is just pretending to be dead.

I'm the one who should be upset.

All he left me in his will was this lousy friendship ring.

A friendship ring and to think I let the man see me naked.

He had hiccups!

Poor thing. She's really in denial.

We better go talk to her.

But let's give her a minute. Stan was like a son to her.

‐She needs time to let go. ‐Yeah.

Sophia.

Oh, great, the night of the living dead.

Will you get out of here?

I am. My ship leaves in 45 minutes.

I just came to say goodbye.

No. I can't believe you're doing this, Stan.

Do you know the pain you put everyone through today?

I'm not gonna go to jail, Sophia.

Maybe they won't put you in prison. Maybe you can work something out, maybe‐‐

Why should I take that chance?

Because I love you.

You love me?

Yes. You're a pathetic man, but I love you.

Aw, Ma!

‐The neck! The neck! ‐I'm sorry.

Don't go, Stan.

If you walk out that door now, you really will be dead.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I love you, too, Ma.

(door shuts)

Aw, it's gonna be all right, sweetheart. It's okay, it's okay.

You finally understand, don't you, honey?

Stan is gone.

Yeah.

Stan is gone.

(television) Well today and to honor you,

I've written a special poem called‐‐

(forwards video )

What a yutz!

Live from Miami!

It's the International Bikini Fest...