Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Blanche, help me.

I'm looking for a vacation spot for Sophia.

Oh, good. She might as well go on vacation.

She doesn't do anything around here.

Oh, that's not true. She tries very hard.

Look. She's been cleaning that spot for an hour.

Sophia.

(whirring)

Sophia.

Sophia.

Huh? What?

Honey, why don't you go on up to your room

if you're going to sleep?

I'm not sleeping. I'm taking a nap.

(chuckles) What's the difference?

Big difference. You never hear anyone say,

"She went peacefully in her nap."

Come here.

Sit down right here.

How does this sound?

"Lie down on the peaceful shores of lake Michigan.

Quiet surroundings, tree‐lined walkways."

It was just a nap. I don't need a burial plot.

I'm alive. I'm alive.

We're not going to bury you.

We just want you to take vacation.

Oh, forget it. I remember my last vacation.

Dorothy said we were going to club med.

Turns out she was taking me to Shady Pines, club dead.

Blanche and I have already talked about this.

Now, the hotel is pretty quiet this week.

Rose is right, darling. You've been awful tired lately.

This way you'll come back rejuvenated.

I don't need a rest.

Will you stop treating me like an old woman?

Do I treat you like a deluded, middle‐aged tart?

Yes.

All right then, carry on.

Honey, the rest of us can easily split up

the little bit of work you do around here.

Little bit of work. I hardly have enough fingers

to count all the things I do around here.

Really? Why don't you give it a try?

I...pick...up...

all...the... spare...change...

in...the...couch.

I think we'll manage.

‐Hey, Roland. What's up? ‐Hey, Chuy,

Have you ever had corporate headhunters come after you,

offer you like a really great job for really big money?

Yeah, I had an international corporation after me once.

Other than the House of Pancakes.

No.

Look, this guy from the Carlton Hotel chain just took me out to dinner.

They want to hire me, man.

Wow. That sounds really big.

Yeah, it's kind of cool.

I'm not gonna take the job, but it was really flattering.

Ah. Hey, you know what you should do?

Tell the ladies about this and force them to give you a raise.

No, man, I'm not going to put them in a squeeze play like that.

And I don't want you to say anything about it

cause you know how the ladies worry all right.

Okay. My lips are seals.

(imitates seal barking)

Come on, be serious, man. You got to promise.

Okay, I promise. (grunts)

Cross my heart, hope to die,

stick a needle in my eye.

Jab a fork right through my nose,

sever both my little toes.

Run a chainsaw through my thighs,

pull my colon out my eyes.

Chuy, Chuy!

I'll do my best.

Okay?

Sophia.

Sophia.

Can't you see I'm busy?

I'm 16 cents away from a Slurpee.

‐(panting) ‐What is it, Rose?

She's trying to tell us something.

What is it, girl? Timmy is stuck in a well?

We are in big trouble.

I was just downtown

and I saw Roland having lunch

with the owner of the Carlton Hotel.

So?

So?

Blanche, Roland's going to leave us.

Blanche: Oh, he is not.

Why else would he be having lunch with that man?

Uh, Chuy,

do you know anything about this?

Well... (clears throat)

I promised I wouldn't say anything.

All right. I guess I can give you guys one clue.

Roland's been offered a job at a really good hotel.

Oh, we're never going to guess this.

Look, I'm afraid if you guys don't do something, you're going to lose him.

Roland would never even dream of leaving the Golden Palace.

I don't know about that.

This is a great opportunity,

more money, paid vacation, excellent benefits,

more money.

He's really excited about the opportunity.

Well, maybe we should give him a raise. He deserves it.

We cannot afford a raise right now.

And frankly, I'm shocked that he'd think about going someplace else.

I consider this a personal affront.

Oh, Blanche, of course Roland has to think about his own career.

We just have to find the money for that raise.

There must be something we could sell in the hotel.

Perfect. Then we're agreed.

We'll sell something in the hotel.

Wait a minute. What about me?

Well, I don't think men are gonna pay for something

they already are getting for free.

Rose, I meant what about asking my opinion?

(gasps) Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, of course.

Blanche, do you honestly think

anybody would pay to sleep with you?

I'm talking about the situation with Roland, Rose.

We can't afford to keep him just by selling some furniture.

There must be something we're spending money on here that we don't need.

Maybe we better just let nature take its course on that one.

Oh, Sophia. Have you looked into making airline reservations

for your vacation?

Forget it. I'm not going.

Besides, I saw that movie Alive.

My plane goes down, I'm brunch.

No offense, Sophia,

but you're about the only thing I can think of

that wouldn't taste better on a Ritz.

(both laughing)

I'm sorry, honey. You have to go on a vacation.

That's that.

What if something happens at the hotel and you need me?

We're not gonna need you.

Fine, you want me to go on a vacation, I'll go on a vacation.

Good, honey. And we're right about this. You'll see.

You're gonna have the time of your life.

I sure am.

(chuckles)

(ding)

Checking in.

‐What? ‐What?

Come on. Move it. I want to get out to the pool.

I'm losing the sun.

You're staying here?

You said I had to go on vacation. You didn't say where.

Now, give me a key.

Sophia, you already have a key to your room.

I'm not staying in that hole.

I want the penthouse...

and a video of Don Ameche in Cocoon.

Mama wants some eye candy.

Now, this is terrible.

Well, it is her vacation.

If she wants to spend it here, it's her decision.

Oh, it's not that. Don't you remember what happened

the last time she went into the pool?

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

She made a game out of diving for her teeth.

Those kids had a good time.

Besides, they brush regularly now.

Hey, ladies. (chuckles)

Here's Roland.

Remember you said you wanted to talk to him?

Oh, yes, Chuy, as a matter of fact we did.

Roland, you've been working really hard lately.

Yes, he has, and it's very good of you to notice.

Excuse me, Chuy. I hope this isn't about what we were discussing yesterday.

What? I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't either.

I don't know anything.

Boy, there's a tattoo for your forehead.

Look, Roland, I don't want to play

‐this game. ‐Game?

‐Chuy told us about your offer. ‐Chuy did what?

He also told us you went out to lunch with those people from the Carlton.

Oh, man, you promised me.

(chuckles)

Well, look, it's no big deal.

We're glad he told us.

We'll work something out.

We just have to find some more money for you.

‐No, it's not about the money. ‐Wait, wait. Forget it.

Now, Rose, I told you I'd think about this.

Here's what I've come up with.

Roland, even if we had the money,

I wouldn't give it to you.

You went behind my back,

and entertained an offer from another hotel.

I don't think things are gonna work out here.

‐Blanche, what are you‐‐ ‐I'm sorry, Roland.

You're fired.

‐Rose: What? ‐Blanche...

Blanche, wait a minute. You can't do this.

Wait. I'm‐‐

Let me tell you something, Blanche.

I'm fired?

Oh, man, I didn't mean for this to happen.

Man, I gotta go in there and talk to her.

I'm sorry, man. It's employees only.

Thank you, Mr. Farrell. We'll let you know.

Well, now, he wasn't so bad.

Oh, please.

Blanche, I don't think

someone whose last job was makeup man at a morgue

has the types of people skills we need for a manager.

Maybe you're right.

And I didn't like that remark he made about my makeup.

He said your makeup was perfect.

I know.

Ooh.

We have interviewed 16 people

to replace somebody we never should've lost in the first place.

Please don't start again.

I could just strangle you for firing Roland.

That's water under the bridge, Rose.

Now let's see this last applicant.

‐Next. ‐Hi. Chuy Castillos,

Managerial candidate number 17.

You can't be the manager.

You're our chef.

Hey, I don't want to be stuck in the kitchen all my life.

I have goals. I have ambitions.

Like what?

Well, on a personal level,

I'd like to date that girl from The Crying Game.

I didn't get her name. I left early,

but boy, was she hot.

All right. Let's get this over with.

‐(clears throat) ‐Says here you're a brown man.

Actually, I prefer Chicano, but, uh...

Yes, I am a brown man.

No. It says here you went to Brown University

in September of '73.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I did.

But it doesn't say when you left.

2:00 a. m., the next morning.

She had an early class, and I had a‐‐

I'm sorry, Chuy.

You're just not the right person for this job.

No, I'm not.

Roland was the right person, but he's not here, is he?

Oh, man, how could this day possibly get any worse?

Well, if you need me, I'll be catching the end of The Crying Game.

Boy, that girl had it all. Oh.

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but we could sure use Sophia's help.

Maybe we could get her to cut her vacation short.

I mean, Miami isn't that big a city.

How long could she possibly keep herself amused?

(laughs)

(laughs)

I could do this all day.

Here, Sophia, honey, listen.

We've been taken by surprise.

We have too many guests and not enough help.

I'm on vacation.

I know, but we're in deep trouble.

Rooms need cleaning. Meals need fixing. We need your help.

Oh, now you need me.

What happened to, "Oh, Sophia, we can get along without you?"

Well, obviously,

we didn't count on Roland leaving

and...and being so busy.

Will you help us?

Well, maybe if you how me

how much it really means to you, I'll consider it.

Well, what do we have to do?

Beg.

All right. Okay.

I'm begging, please.

‐Oh, please. ‐Kiss my hand.

Okay.

Now...a dance.

Sophia.

Rose.

Ah, go to hell. I'm on vacation. I'm staying on vacation.

And I want my room cleaned.

We cleaned your room twice today.

When did you get so picky?

When I started paying for the room.

And Rose, did you get the smudge off my window?

I scrubbed and scrubbed.

I'm starting to think it's the horizon.

I don't care what it is. It's ruining the view.

(laughs)

We wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't fired Roland.

And all over a little money. That is so selfish.

Selfish? Rose, I want you to know

it's the most unselfish thing I've ever done in my life.

I only did it for his own good.

What?

Oh, come on. You know we can't offer him

the kind of opportunities the Carlton can.

So you forced him to leave.

Blanche, that was his decision to make.

One he never would've made.

He would've sacrificed his whole future for us. Trust me.

Well...

I hope you did the right thing.

I did.

I know we'll miss him, but, now, thanks to me,

Roland's on his way to a brilliant career

at a beautiful hotel.

(rumbling)

(laughing)

Well... the Carlton Hotel wouldn't take you,

so now you're right back where you started

ten years ago working for me.

(laughs) Pick up those bikes.

Hey, Roland.

What do you want, man?

I wanted to apologize, man.

If I hadn't blabbed to the ladies,

they probably wouldn't have fired you.

Probably?

Of course they wouldn't have, Chuy.

Sorry, man. It'll never happen again.

Anyways, I called over at the Carlton,

and they said that you didn't get the job. What happened, man?

Well, the Carlton's not real big

on hiring people who've just been fired.

I wish I knew how they found out, though.

Yeah, that is weird.

Oh, man, you told them, didn't you?

Okay, but really,

that's the last time it'll ever happen, I swear.

Well, how'd you know I was here anyway?

Well, you once told me the door was always open at your first job.

Just failed to mention there was no front door at your first job.

Well, this may not be the classiest place in the world,

but I at least I get my fair share of respect.

Hey, Wilson, this seat's still sucky.

Where'd you learn to fix bikes?

Toon Town?

Take this bike instead, okay.

And go really fast.

Hey, man, I'm worried about you.

Aren't you worried about what this is gonna do to your hearing?

Oh, yeah, That was a great game, man.

Look, man, I got you into this mess,

and I'm gonna make sure you get your job back at the hotel.

Look, forget it. Blanche fired me.

I'm not gonna go crawling back to get my job.

I don't even want you to tell them you saw me.

Chuy, you got to promise me, man.

I promise.

Hey, bash my head off with my spleen‐‐

Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, look.

Every time you open your mouth,

I drop another rung on the food chain.

Now, you say anything about this,

and I'm going to kill you.

My lips are sealed.

I'll see ya.

‐Well? ‐Well what?

Did you see Roland?

I‐I can't say.

Oh, come on, now. we know you saw him.

What's his job like? Is the hotel beautiful?

I'm sworn to secrecy.

Is he wearing a beautiful suit?

Does he have a lot of employees under him?

Stop it. Stop it.

We're going to keep badgering you

‐till you tell us. ‐Badgering?

Badgering? I don't need your stinking badgering.

Look, I made a promise to Roland

and this time I'm going to keep it.

What is taking Chuy so long?

Could he possibly not be telling them that I'm in hell?

(rumbling)

I'm sorry, ladies. I learned my lesson. This safe cannot be cracked.

‐(exhales) ‐Well, all I can say is

I sure miss the little sweetheart.

Oh, boy, me too. You know, you just never know

how much you're going to miss somebody till they're gone.

You can say that again.

Oh, what the hell?

Good news, everybody. I'm back from vacation.

Yeah, that's nice.

Have no fear. Petrillo is here.

Good to hear.

She's tan, she's rested,

she's ready to crack wise.

Who, you say?

‐Sophia, that's who. ‐Fine.

I though you said you missed me.

What do I have to do to get some attention around here,

a cartwheel?

Okay, here goes.

But I should warn you.

I'm not wearing underwear.

Sophia, we weren't talking about you.

Can't you see we're a little depressed?

(scoffs) You're depressed?

How do you think Roland feels?

Working at the bike shack at the airport

is no day at the bea...

What?

Oops.

But you said he was at the Carlton.

Well, they didn't hire him because you fired him.

I only fired him so they'd hire him.

Oh, Rose, Chuy, come on.

We got to get down there.

My gosh.

Go ahead. The hotel's in good hands.

I'll man the desk.

(blowing harmonica)

(airplane whirring)

DC‐10.

Yep. When you spend hours on your back,

you get to know these things.

Oh, DC‐10.

Yep.

Hi, R‐Roland?

Rose, Blanche...

How'd you guys know I was here?

‐I told them. ‐(scoffs)

The man is a sieve.

Oh, Roland, I think he prefers Chicano.

Roland, look, the only reason I fired you

is 'cause I didn't want to stand in the way

of your career at the Carlton.

So you can't be mad at me 'cause I was only trying to help.

Oh, so it's okay to destroy my life and totally humiliate me

as long as you have good intentions, is that it?

Well, yeah. Isn't that what I just said?

So will you come back?

No. I‐I don't know.

I kind of like it here. I mean, this is a great job.

Oh, come on, man. Don't you think spending all day in this little shack

might make you crazy from lack of human contact?

Not at all.

Hey, don't lean on Tanya. Come on.

Oh, Roland, I really am sorry.

You got to believe that.

We'll do anything to get you back.

‐Anything? ‐Anything.

Beg me.

Okay. Please come back.

‐Kiss my hand. ‐(chuckles)

And now...

the funky chicken. Get down.

Roland.

Okay, okay. Sophia called,

and she told me to make you crawl

before I gave in.

Does this mean you'll be back?

Can we go now?

‐Yes! ‐Oh!

That makes me so happy.

I missed you so much.

Yeah, I missed you, too. Do you know what?

I think I even missed your St. Olaf stories.

Really?

Oh...

Well, we can fix that.

Did I ever tell you the story of...

of Leon Truedenstuter?

I'll race you to the car.

You got it.

It's their loss. This is a wonderful story.

Could you wait one second before you start, Rose?

Sure.

Okay, go ahead. Now.

Well, Leon had just...

(airplane whirring)

(rumbling)

Hey, good news, everybody.

I think I found a way to make more money for the hotel.

Hey, that's great.

Yeah. If it all works out, Roland can have that raise.

Wait, how'd you do that?

Oh, Roland, you're underestimating this girl.

Blanche is a shrewd investor.

Has a brilliant financial mind.

Actually, I found it in the sofa. (chuckles)

No. I just found some ways to cut corners.

Oh, you guys are too much.

I'm glad if you're happy.

I didn't want you throwing away a good opportunity

‐to come back here. ‐Oh, no. Not at all.

In fact, I've implemented a few ideas I picked up over there.

Hypothetically, let's say I just bit some kid on the leg.

Could they sue?

(clears throat)

Um, listen, I don't know how to tell you this,

but a corporate headhunter

has approached me with a big‐paying job

at a hotel that, I'm afraid, must remain nameless,

and, well, being the loyal employee that I am,

I wanted to tell you.

The big raise they're offering me is really not an issue.

I just wanted to ask you what I should do.

all: Take it.

Come on, guys.

Come on. Give me a raise.

Please. Come on. Come on.

Please. Come on.

A little bitty one.

Please!