Original subtitles

Older Ted: Kids, in the fall of 2008,

your aunt Robin was unemployed and a little bit adrift.

So she valued her friendship with Lily more than ever.

Hey, so I hear Marshall has to work late on Friday.

You know what that means. Ladies' night.

Oh, actually one of the teachers at my school, Jillian,

is having a birthday party. Oh, okay.

What?

It's just, I've never even heard of this Jillian person before,

and suddenly she's like your best friend. You can't shut up about her.

Don't be jealous. You and I hang out all the time.

Yeah, but Marshall's always there.

We don't get a lot of quality time to talk, just the two of us.

That's not true.

So that's when the story gets really good.

So, we go to the...

Hey. Hey.

Place. And then that guy asks about the thing with the stuff

that I told you about at that place that time.

Long story short, events transpired.

Oh, my god. You and the guy from the mayor's office

did it in the UN building under the desk of the ambassador from Zaire? Nice.

I just wish we could have some girl time.

I love Marshall, but he's always talk-blocking me.

So come out with me and Jillian then.

Okay, but I don't want to stay out too late because...

Remember that thing last month after I went to the place?

Well, you-know-who said it's fine, but she gave me some stuff.

You still got that yeast infection, huh?

Marshall,

I want you to enjoy this moment. What moment?

The last moment of you and I being even slightly in competition

for the title of Ted's best friend.

Marshall's my best friend. Exactly. It's a tie.

But all of that is about to change.

Ted, am I correct that you are an architect?

My best friend would really know that, but go on.

And what are you currently designing?

Actually, we're renovating the New York public library.

Wow, Ted, that's huge!

No, not the New York public library.

It's the new public library in York, north Dakota.

Their books are in two sections, fishing and non-fishing.

Then I think you are going to really like what happened at work today.

And so, while those bribes did destabilize the regime

and caused the death of most of the royal family,

it did lead to looser banking regulations in rangoon.

So yay us. Okay, last order of business.

It's been decided we're going to move forward with plans

for Goliath national bank's new downtown headquarters.

Well, who's gonna design it? Was my first question.

Who's gonna design it?

We've already approached one firm about it.

This Swedish architecture collective called sven.

Sven? Sven?

Older Ted: Sven was this Swedish architecture collective

revered for their bold, innovative designs. I hated those guys.

I hate those guys. Swedish architecture cohecfive.

Lame. Pretentious.

"We're not a company. We're a collective."

I know. "We are Swedish.

"We are so cool with ourbaguefies and our Eiffel Tower."

Dude, Sweden's not France. You know that, right?

Oh, it's France.

So anyway, I say to bilson...

Bilson, with all due respect...

No, I stand up, and I say to bilson...

Bilson, with all due respect...

Music. Imagine patriotic music playing.

Bilson, with all due respect, it would be terrible

if a job that could go to a hard-working American architecture firm

went to a bunch of French guys.

Where is our patriotism? Our sense of country?

Our love of all that is... Look, Stinson,

no one hates every other country in the world as much as I do,

but you better have a point. I do.

I know a fantastic American architect who would be perfect for the job.

Ted mosby.

So, all you gotta do is come in, pitch your design,

I get the board to approve it, and the job is yours.

Do you realize what a hero I would be if I brought this project to my firm?

And that's not even the best part.

All three of us are gonna be working together.

Ted can be on the conference call. He can totally be on the conference call.

What's the conference call? The way it works is,

one of us will duck into the other's office and say...

Marshall, the conference call's about to start.

I'm sorry, guys. I gotta go.

Barne y: And then we go up to the roof of the building and drink beer.

This is awesome.

Drinking at work. We're basically madmen.

We are! We're such mad men!

I'm gonna go smack a secretary on the ass.

That's totally what they would do on that show.

What show?

And then, we throw crumpled up beer cans at pigeons.

I don't do that. I totally want to do that.

Well, I am gonna make that happen.

Seriously, Barney, after everything I went through with Stella,

getting me this opportunity... It really means a lot.

Older Ted: It really did. You see, kids, when I became an architect,

I had one dream, to contribute a building to the skyline of New York City.

I wanted to be able to point to one of those buildings and say,

"see that one? That one right there? That's mine."

This job was my opportunity to do just that.

Wow! Your friend's having her birthday here?

What's she turning, 19? No. Believe me, this isn't her scene.

She probably just didn't know what kind of place this was.

Lily! Over here, you sexy bitch! We've got bottle service!

Oh, my god! At school, she's so quiet and normal.

I had no idea she's... She's a woo girl.

Older Ted: What's a woo girl? Let me explain.

A woo girl is a type of young woman

who, like the cuckoo bird or the whip-poor-will,

gets her name from the signature sound she makes.

Now, a "woo" can be elicited in many different ways.

From a certain song coming on the jukebox...

Oh, my god, this song is totally about me.

To half-priced shots.

From a ride on a mechanical bull...

To, well, pretty much anything.

Oh, my god, I was worried that I didn't feed the cat,

but then I remembered that I did!

I swear, at school Jillian seems so unwoo-y.

Yeah, she doesn't look woo-ish.

Maybe she only observes the high holidays,

like mardi gras and spring break. Maybe she's just a cultural woo.

Now, go easy on me. It's a work in progress.

Ted, this is amazing.

The detail. The shading. The playfulness of the lines.

This is exactly what Princess Leia would look like topless.

My way of saying thanks.

So, you want to see my designs for the building?

No, I'm good.

Ted: Hey hey. Sogetflfls Lily just texted me.

She's at that bar giddy ups with a bunch of woo girls.

Oh, my god, you guys. My boob just fell out of my top at the bar.

Trick! I pulled it out for a free drink!

So, Jillian, I hear when you're not flashing bartenders,

you teach the second grade. What's that like?

So rewarding. I don't know if you're familiar with the rie technique,

but it derives from the progressive educational philosophy of Rudolf steiner,

who founded the Waldorf school, which...

Oh, my god. I love this song! Come on, you lazy skanks. Let's dance!

You, too, you dumb whores.

No, thank you, you ignorant hussy.

Why, Lily aldrin, you sly minx.

I've been saying for years that our gang needed a woo girl,

and here you've been hiding a whole batch of them from me.

We do not need a woo girl. No one needs a woo girl.

Be careful, Lily. The world absolutely needs woo girls.

If there were no woo girls, there'd be no girls gone wild,

no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars.

All the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone.

Those are none of the things...

The souvenir shot glass industry would collapse.

So would the body glitter industry and the stretch Hummer rental industry.

Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only by tiny cowboys.

And when brown eyed girl would come up on the jukebox,

all you would hear would be silence.

And brown eyed girl.

But who would woo, Lily? Who would woo?

Would you?

Would you woo?

Who wants to name my boobs?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with hannity and colmes.

Older Ted: Over the next couple of weeks, I dove into work.

It felt great to be working on something that I really cared about.

Finally, the morning of the presentation arrived.

And we believe this timeless design will radiate the strength and stability

that is Goliath national bank. Thank you, gentlemen.

Older Ted: I left there feeling pretty good about my chances.

Later that night, we ran into Barney.

Hey, Barney! Give me the good news.

You didn't get it. What?

The board decided to go with sven.

I can't believe I didn't get it. I really thought I nailed the pitch.

Why would they go with sven?

I did everything I could to change their minds.

But they wouldn't budge. I'm sorry. Wow, this really sucks.

After the way these last couple of months have gone,

I guess I needed this more than I thought I did.

Hey,

you want to go down to the current gnb building and just, like... I don't know.

Just pee on it a little bit?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I need that.

Finish your beer. Fill the tank.

What happened? Ted didn't get that job.

But that's not the biggest disappointment of the day.

What? We saw you woo.

Saw who woo? Saw you woo.

I didn't woo. You did, too.

That's not true. Your nose just grew.

So what, you're like best friends with Jillian now?

No. It's just... you're married, Lily, but I'm still single.

Whenever I hang out with you, I'm usually the third wheel to you and Marshall.

Sometimes it's fun to go out with other single women

and do stuff that you don't want to. Like what?

Like woo, Lily. Like woo.

I can woo. That's not true.

I can, too. Ifsjustnotyou.

Bhson yeah?

Hey. Look, I just want to say, I know you guys went with sven,

but Ted mosby is tremendously talented,

and I think he would have done a hell of a job.

I agree. That's why I voted for him.

So, then, it's agreed.

From now on, all atm fees are now called freedom charges.

Conference call. Now.

You got something you want to tell me? Oh, damn it.

I told Heather to put everything back on your desk the way it was.

Bilson told me he wanted to give the job to Ted. So what happened?

Okay, fine.

Will radiate the strength and stability

that is Goliath national bank. Thank you, gentlemen.

So? That was great. I love it.

Yes! Looks like we got our guy. I don't think we even need to meet with...

I am sven jorgensen.

With me are sven pilsen and sven johanssen, and we are sven!

Sven! Sven!

You are Goliath national bank.

You are cutting edge. You are new. You are fresh.

Women want to be with you, men wish to harm you,

but the fool who dares challenge you shall be crushed!

Your headquarters will tell the world of these facts.

And one more thing, don't look now!

Which of you is Barney Stinson, head of the search committee?

Oh, my god. That's me!

You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power and virility.

Your office shall be here, in the head of a tyrannosaurus Rex!

I never knew it till now, but I've always dreamed of that.

On your large desk of Honduran rosewood shall be this button.

What does the button do? Press it! Press it for glory!

Yes! This is the most awesome building in the universe.

There is no way this building could be more awesome.

There is a strip club in the letter n.

What the hell is the matter with you? This is Ted's big break!

And then you sold him out because you wanted to work

in the brain of a tyrannosaurus Rex,

which, incidentally, if you knew anything about dinosaurs,

is really, really small. Marshall, this isn't about my office.

Ted's building was good. Sven's was better.

And I am not going to let the fact that I am Ted's best friend

be a factor in business.

You didn't pick sven's building because it was better.

You picked it because you wanted to work in a cool dinosaur office.

That's a lie! I picked it becauseit_

It breathes fire, Marshall.

Fire marshal.

I didn't even notice. How could you do this to Ted

after everything he's been through with Stella?

You're just being selfish.

Marshall, I would never make a business decision for selfish reasons.

I am a professional. Now, come on.

Let's get a nice daytime drunk going, and throw empties at pigeons.

No. No. For two reasons.

One, pigeons are smarter than you think. They hold grudges.

And, two, this is our last conference call, Mr. Stinson.

There are repercussions to screwing over a friend.

Like what? Like this.

Hey.

Oh, my god, you guys. Last night, we raised $10,000 for my charity

to help combat childhood illiteracy. It's a really seflousissue.

Someone just earned herself an ass-first ride down the dance floor spank canyon!

Lily, what are you doing here?

Oh, just doing the fun things you single girls do.

What's with the plastic fireman's hat?

I didn't have a cowboy hat, and today was fire safety day at school, so...

Oh, my god, bitch. This is our anthem. Really? Who sings this?

Is ll cool j still doing things?

This is great, svens.

You guys are so much cooler than Marshall.

He doesn't even own a unitard.

Who wants a brew? I don't understand.

Where is the conference call?

No, no. This is the conference call. Get it?

In america, when we work late, we lie about a conference call,

and we come up here and we drink a few beers. It's awesome.

This is a waste of time. Push-ups!

Misty, you are such a slut. Let's do another shot.

You're the slut, you skank. Shots are on you.

No, bitch, shots are on you. You're such a whore.

You're all a bunch of prostitutes. You probably have stds.

Let's go dance.

Lily, this isn't working. You shouldn't be here.

I get it. Because I'm happily married, I'm some kind of loser?

Exactly the opposite.

Lily, why do you think the woo girls have to woo

when they win a game of beer pong, or when a hot guy takes his shirt off?

It's because that is as good as life gets for them. They're really sad people.

And when they hang out with someone who's got it all figured out,

someone like you, it burns them out. It takes away their woo.

You're just saying that so I don't feel like an old married lady.

Look at those girls, Lily.

Look at them and listen to what their woos are really saying.

Oh, those poor girls and Ted. I just want to go give them all a hug.

Lily, right now I'm like them. I'm unemployed, I'm single, I'm a little lost.

So every once in a while, I need to woo.

But when I need to talk about something real, you're the one I turn to.

You're my best friend. And you're mine.

And I promise I'll make more time for just us.

Marshall doesn't have to tag along to everything we do.

Hey, have you guys tried these purple hooter test tube shots?

I've had like five of them. I don't even think there's alcohol in here.

Where'd you get that hat? What hat?

Hey. We fired sven. What?

Yeah, those guys were idiots. I mean, sure, they had some cool ideas.

Some really cool ideas. Actually, iwonder if it's not too late to...

No! The point is, you got the job.

Yeah. Really?

The search committee realized they made the wrong decision.

Plus, you really mean a lot to them and they want you to be happy.

That's weird.

Look, Ted, your design was the best, and you deserve it.

There's also something that you should know

about why you didn't get the job in the first place.

You see, Ted... it was bilson.

Yeah, yeah.

Bilson just wanted to have an office in a dinosaur head,

but Barney convinced him that it was really, really stupid.

Well, you know. Oh. Thank you, Barney.

What... I can't believe this.

I just got our firm the biggest account we've ever had.

Hey, next rounds on me.

Why'd you let me off the hook?

You did the right thing. Seemed like you deserved a bye.

Plus, it would have really bummed Ted out, and he's finally happy right now.

Yeah. Well.

You really are Ted's best friend.

And so am I. It's a tie. Thanks, Marshall.

Older Ted: Marshall wound up caving and telling me the truth about Barney,

like ten minutes later.

At which point we tied uncle Barney to the mechanical bull,

cranked it up to a setting called "paint mixer," and went home.

I love you, man. Love you, too, buddy.

Hey, you going to ride the bull tonight?

No, not if you paid me. I have an inner ear thing.

Older Ted: It was a pretty great night.

Three hours. That's a bar record.

That's right, ladies.

Jillian, you know what'd be really crazy and funny and stupid to do tonight?

If you and me find a guy and have a three-way.

Maybe, if we found the right guy.

Yeah, and if we don't find the right guy, maybe you and I could just...

You know who was pretty cute? That guy Ted. Let's go find him.