All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S03E04.WEB.h264-ETHEL+AMZN.en

- Hey! Stop!
- It's an emergency!

What are you doing?

It's not safe!

- Under the seat.
- Thank you.

Not the time to invite
any crow's feet.

Yeah.

Look at this.

Jack Danby's reps have him schmoozing
with the head of comedy

and the CEO
of the whole conglomerate.

You know what? Don't worry
'cause Kayla and I are all over it.

Okay? We're working really hard
to connect with Winnie Landell.

Oh, yeah.
She looks like she's all over it.

Winnie's schedule is packed

and every comedy rep
is trying to sit down with her.

So, it's been a little tricky.

Tricky for you.

You need to get a meeting
with Winnie ASAP.

I promise you we will, okay?

And when we do, I already have
great angle, okay? I practiced this.

They'd probably want someone diverse,
right? Well, guess what?

Old is diverse, huh?

Yeah. We'll shatter the glass hip.

No. Didn't mean that.

Oh, man.

Is there any way
I can get out of this thing?

Cohosting the Macy's Day Parade
is... it's so daytime.

It's not gonna help with these guys.

Well, we're 45 minutes
from landing to tape the promos.

So, I think it's a little late
to pull out.

Is there any other meaningful press
I can do while I'm in New York?

You know, I can probably
get you on Talk Stoop.

- Talk Soup?
- No, Talk Stoop.

With Kat Greenleaf? It's on Taxi TV?

You sit on a stoop and talk?

You know what? You also have
a standing offer at The Chew.

- The Jew?
- The Chew. Like teeth?

Oh, yeah, no. I know. You need
to come up with better ideas.

And speak from your diaphragm.

Will do.

People.
This is what we are up against.

A Harvard boy with connections.

Sitting on a stoop can't compete
with a guy who just hosted

the White House
Correspondents Dinner.

Okay. Why don't you just
put out a press release

saying that you want Late Night.

So that way,
you're in their conversation?

Oh, god, no.

A woman can't just come out
and say what she wants.

No, that... that looks...

- Thirsty.
- Thirsty.

No, it's gotta seem
like it's their idea.

Okay, fine. Do what you want.

I'll just be quiet
and keep eating these cookies.

Those are dog biscuits.

I'm aware. They're delicious.

And grain-free.

The chef told me. I was like,
"Are you fucking serious?"

So, Deborah and I agreed
that while I'm with her

I should also spend time working
on my own stuff.

You absolutely should.

I would love to get
a feature out of you.

You and me both. So, I was wondering
if you knew of any, like

open writing assignments
that you think would be good for me?

Yes, I have coverage
from Kayla, actually.

- That I think might be interesting.
- Okay, great.

Literally every studio

wants a procedural
based on Operation.

Remember that game?

- Okay. Well, what else you got?
- Okay.

So, they've done some market research

and they've found that Gen Z thinks

the animated spoon
from Beauty and the Beast is hot.

And apparently, can "get it."

So, they want something
that focuses on his love life.

Like a spinoff, focusing on
the animated spoon's love life.

Love life.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Give... give me another one.
- No spoon...

Okay.

I got it. I found it.
This one is good for you.

They're doing a bisexual Gumby.

He bends both ways.

You're bisexual.

Yeah.
So, that might be perfect for you.

The working title? Gum-Bi.

Okay. You know what? I think...
I think I'm just gonna try

to write an idea of my own.

Original is really harder to sell.

Honestly, nobody wants it.
But Roku is open

and they have two buckets
they're looking to fill right now.

Noisy Concepts and Black Joy.

I think you should focus on
Noisy Concepts, though

since you are not black. No offense.

You're not.

Oh, okay. I missed one.

They wanna do something
with Sleeping Beauty

but apparently,
this time, it's consensual.

And if someone could ask Hoda
where she got her scarf

- I would just love it.
- Sure.

Deborah Vance!

Oh, my gosh! Henry Weeks!

How have you been?
I haven't seen you since...

- Jerry Lewis Telethon.
- That's it.

This is so wild. Two weeks ago,
I recorded an NPR segment

where I had to pick something
from pop culture that I loved

and I talked about your special.

- You did?
- Are you kidding?

It was the best special
of the last ten years.

Which kills me because
I released one three years ago.

Wow. That... wow. Thank you. That...

That means a lot coming from you.

I'm serious.
You took a lifetime of issues

and you turned it
into a work of genius.

Actually...

- Are you still in Vegas?
- Yeah.

Oh, this is fabulous
'cause every few years

- Terry, Cliff Calhoun, and I...
- Oh, let me guess.

Gamble? Golf? Drugs? Women?

No, even better.

We get colonoscopies together.

I knew something was going in a hole.

We rent a house in Vegas

we play cards,
clear out our GI tracts.

Next day, we get the colonoscopies.

And then we celebrate
with a Vegas night out.

And whoever has the cleanest
bill of health buys dinner.

- Well, that sounds like a blast.
- It is.

And we're doing it this weekend.

So, if you're due...

you should come.

I'd love to.
I've been so busy, I'm overdue.

Oh well, that's great. That's great.
I will text you all the details.

Okay. Can I bring something?

Air freshener.

I guess men can be funny.

See you soon.

Just do it hard
or don't do it at all, Jimmy.

Hi. Got a delivery for Ruby?

It says, "hand off in person."

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I'm not there.
It's my girlfriend's house.

I mean, it's my house, too.
We're sort of taking space right now

to evaluate things.

Hey, is... is that order
for one person or two?

I'm just gonna leave it at the door.

No, no. Just tell me if there's beef.
She doesn't eat beef.

Beef is a smoking gun! Sir!

- Hey. Are you okay?
- Yeah, why?

You just yelled,
"Beef is a smoking gun."

Oh, that.

I think I'm extra sensitive
because Ruby's having this

going away party on Friday.

Do... do you think I should drive
four hours to LA to say goodbye

even though she didn't invite me?
I should, right?

No.

- Your mind.
- But if you're looking

for a distraction

you could come
to bar trivia Friday night.

- You do bar trivia?
- Yeah.

Okay, extracurriculars. Very healthy.

Well, it is a team that my mom
and ex-boyfriend started without me.

They only asked me to join
when they realized

they needed someone
who knew state capitals.

Sorry.

Hello, my gorgeous team!

What's going on?
They slash the capital gains tax?

No! I'm getting a colonoscopy.

You just... you just had one.

I know. But this is a group thing.

- Well, okay.
- Exciting.

Oh, all right. Thatta girl.

- Okay!
- Shake it! Shake that thing!

Honestly, this was a great idea.
I cannot wait to hit.

I've been so stressed out
with all this Deborah stuff.

You know, I had no idea
they had courts here.

Yeah, they don't have tennis courts.
They have pickleball courts.

Wait. Pickleball?

Yeah, it's like tiny tennis.

I know what pickleball is,
but I thought we were playing tennis.

That's why I agreed.

- Okay, don't be mad at me.
- Oh, god.

But this is our general
with Winnie Landell.

What? Kayla, what the hell?

I thought you were scheduling that
for next week.

I'm sorry, man.
I can't be perfect, okay?

I tried to get us the meeting.

Her next opening
is not for, like, eight months.

But her second assistant, Avi

who I made out with
seven years ago, really bad kisser

said she's obsessed with pickleball

and she has a standing reservation
on this court.

So... you're welcome.

Kayla, what do you expect me
to do here?

You want me
to just walk up to her randomly

wearing mesh shorts,
and pitch Deborah to host Late Night?

No. I want you to get
into a game with her, you know.

Impress her with your skills.

Maybe you earn her respect.

And then, you seal
the fucking deal, baby!

Okay.
We're at an expensive country club.

It's not illegal to yell.

I don't know how to play pickleball,
and this plan is insanity, girl.

You're an amazing tennis guy.
You can probably pick up any sport.

- You can probably bowl.
- What...

Come on,
I got us these cute little paddles.

It's kinda kinky.

Come on, stretch me out.

Oh, my god.

Let's see...

Got that... that...

Hi.

While you're gone,
I will be turning the heat up to 68

because I've started
shivering so hard

my arm hair is getting thicker.

I need the thermostat passcode.

No, no. A room should be the same
temperature as a white wine fridge.

Keeps your metabolism on its toes.

So, what do you think? This or this?

I mean, which... which is better
for a colonoscopy prep party?

I don't know.
Is it too sparkly? I just...

I don't know. Maybe... I'll just...
should go with what I have on.

I'm so shocked
that you care this much.

Oh, you don't understand.
I've always idolized them.

When I was first starting in
stand-up, they were "the guys."

Okay, but weren't you, like,
"the girl"?

Oh, no. No. I mean...

I could fill seats, you know.

But they thought
it was because of my sitcom.

You know, or the fire.

I was never seen as legit
by guys like them.

And now, they want you
to clean out your colon with them.

Dreams really do come true.

I know.

Isn't it fantastic?

Can I just get a blanket?

Yeah. Yeah, well, she can go...

They can go to hell for all I care.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hey... This is our court.

- Johnny?
- Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.

We met at JFL. You told me
you had sex with my dad?

Oh, right. This is our court.

I must have accidentally booked this
for Tuesday instead of Thursday.

This always happens.
You put a T down in the calendar

and you're like,
"Was that for Tuesday or Thursday?"

- Does that ever happen to you?
- No.

Honestly, I have
the same problem with...

Damn it. This sucks 'cause, you know

Jimmy here was gonna help me
with my technique.

He's really amazing.
He's really, really good.

Really? You don't really
have a pickleball body.

He's got a pickleball body.
It's in his bones.

He's a tennis star.

You know, my dad hired him
to give me lessons one summer

and it was probably one of the best
memories of my childhood.

It was?

You're that good?

- Yeah. He played tennis at Brown.
- I did.

Maybe we should play doubles.

I love a little competition.

But I hate people who waste my time.

Peter Thiel? Like playing with
Helen Keller without the star power.

Well, I'm certainly better than that.

She was blind, deaf and mute.

- Jimmy.
- By the way, I'm Beth.

- I work with Winnie.
- We play for money.

What do you say? Grand a game?

- Holy hell. Okay.
- Wow! Sure, yeah.

Absolutely. It's just money,
we've got it.

Sure. Dang, I like it.

- That sounds good to me.
- Google the rules.

- Okay.
- Google the rules.

- Hey.
- This is Ava.

- Nice to meet you guys.
- Oh, hi.

Thank God, you got us a white.

What? Oh, yeah, I'm...
I'm a white person, yeah.

We got a strong team,
but we have some blind spots.

Last week, we lost on a question
about natural wine.

Oh, I love natural wine.

"Oh, I love natural wine."

We're gonna mop the floor
with these motherfuckers.

Henry!

Well, if it isn't
our very own It Girl.

Oh, I like that.

- Oh, Terry! Cliff! Hi.
- Good to see you, Deb.

- My god. You, too.
- You look fantastic.

Thank you.

Are you ready
for my famous lax-atini?

- Oh, boy.
- You might be used to vodka.

But tonight, you're getting
magnesium sulfate straight up.

Shaken, not stirred, I hope.

May I take your bag,
Miss Special of the Year?

Oh, thank you.

Her bag, my jokes,
you take everything.

All right, let it go, Cliff.

There are six bathrooms

but if you can't make it

- there's a really ugly vase
- Oh, stop.

on a kitchen counter.

- No, it's... it's deep. It'll work.
- Oh, my god.

Mine!

Beth!

Mine!

Mine!

Boom goes the dynamite!
How's my ass taste!

- That's...
- Ten grand, you beta fuck.

I'm sorry, I get very competitive.
But it is ten grand.

We have to go.
We don't have that kinda money.

Double or nothing?

Look who grew some foreskin.
I like it.

Let's go.

Oh, my god, help us all.

Hello?

- Oh, shit. Ray?
- Oh, my god.

Dude!
King of the Palmetto front desk?

What's up, my man? How are you?

So, you're back in Vegas.

- Just for a little. I live in LA.
- Yeah.

I'm on hiatus from working
on that show On the Contrary.

Oh, yeah, that show used to be funny.

Thanks.

- Are you... are you here for trivia?
- Am I here for trivia?

Yeah, I'm a legend
around these parts.

My team, Quiz Khalifa, was disbanded
'cause we won too much.

So, now,
I'm with O'Trivia Newton-John.

Oh... That's... that's cool.

Yeah, it's my first time.
My friend, Marcus, invited me.

Wait, you're here with SWA?

- SWA?
- Yeah, Sisters With Answers?

I hate them. We hate them.

Marcus, are you wearing
an Apple Watch, dude?

Raymond, it is on airplane mode.

Okay. You know the rules, though.
No smartwatches. No smartphones.

You know, you can rattle off
about the rules all you want to

but you still don't know
the capital of South Dakota.

- Bismarck?
- Is it?

It is...
Oh, fuck, it's North Dakota. Shit.

Jesus Christ.

All right. See you on the ice.

Hello? You know,
I work in customer service, too

and this is dog shit.

- You did not!
- I did!

- No, you did not!
- I did it backwards!

Oh, boy, you are gonna hate this.

To talking shit

and to making it, too.

Down one hatch and out another.

Oh, god!

Deb. I can't believe
you did 40 dates last year.

I...
I gotta give you a lot of credit.

I couldn't do that now.

Oh, don't sell yourself short, Terry.

You couldn't sell out that many
venues when you were young, either.

All right...

Had I known that you were going
to roast Terry

I would have invited you years ago.

Deborah, I saw you on Late Night.
You were fantastic.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I heard that Danby kid's
probably gonna be the next host.

I don't get him.

Yeah, how old is he?
I mean, not even 40. Lucky fuck.

He's fine, but he never
would have made it back in the day.

No.

No.

He's not that good.

Now, if they wanted
to hire somebody unfunny

- they coulda hired him.
- Hey... I was just nice to you.

Okay. Okay. You gonna pay the price.

- No... Oh, god.
- Come on...

Oh, my god.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

The answer to question
number five is Kylie Minogue.

Yes, baby.

- Question six was Juneau, Alaska.
- It was rigged!

- Killin' it!
- Yes.

And the answer to question seven
was the film, Frances Ha.

- Yes!
- Good girl!

I'm a Baumbach head, dude.

I know his whole oeuvre.

The leaders are still...

Sisters with Answers with 30 points.

That's right!

Followed by O'trivia Newton-John.

- with 29 points.
- Fuck you, bitch!

And the Corn Cob Boys with 25 points.

- So, round five is gonna be...
- Wait. Violation.

Phone violation.

Ava Daniels on SWA.
She's using her phone to cheat.

Okay, okay, she's new.

- No. She was warned. I warned her.
- Everybody, everybody, calm down.

All right. So, SWA,
you were on your phone.

That's gonna be a five-point penalty.

Sorry! I...
I'm still connected to the Ring cam

at my girlfriend's house.
She's having a party.

People keep buzzing the door.
I'm just letting them in.

- No.
- Ava?

Oh, shit.

Hi.

Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm going outside. Jesus.

What the fuck, Ava? Why are you
letting people into my house?

It kept buzzing on my phone.

And I could say that you not
creating a party protocol

that didn't involve the Ring cam
is disrespectful to me.

Have you been spying on me
through our camera?

No. I have been here,
living my life, having a phone.

And occasionally, did I check

to make sure you didn't leave
the palo santo burning?

Yes, it's possible.

Oh, my god.

Okay. Jesus, I'm sorry.
I'll... I'll delete it.

But it's just gonna be annoying
to re-log in when I get home.

I don't think
you're gonna be re-logging in.

What do you mean I'm not gonna
re-log in to our doorbell app?

I just think this space has felt...

really right for me.

And... I'm just not sure...

I'm sure. I'm very sure.

I wanna be with you.

Then be with me.

Come to Iceland.

I...

- We're just... It's...
- There's my answer.

I think this is over.

- No. Ruby.
- Bye, Ava.

Great shot.

Don't say that.
Why would you say that?

You gotta come up on those.

- I beg your pardon?
- You gotta come up on those.

Oh, my god.

Mine!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

You gotta come up on those.

There we go.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, you didn't like that, huh?

Match point for you guys.

We know, Beth. Jesus. Fuck.

This is exactly why
I divorced your ass.

I know. God!

Hey. What's going on? You okay?

Jimmy. I feel like I'm really scared.

My back is, like, tensing up.
You know I'm the weakest link.

I feel like I'm gonna mess this up.

Hey, you got a great serve.

All you have to do
is get it over the net.

And if it comes to you, dink it.

Okay. Dink it.

Dink it, and I'll take care
of the rest, okay?

- Okay.
- All right, you got this.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Thanks.

Beth.

- Nice dink.
- Mine!

- Yes!
- Yeah! How's my ass taste?

Motherfucker!

- Yes. We won nothing.
- That was amazing.

- God, what is wrong with you?
- Good game.

That is the best match
we've had in months. Right, Beth?

- I guess.
- You're good, LuSaque.

You're at Latitude, right?

I actually left to start my own firm.
Deborah Vance came with us.

She's funny. Good for you.
She's having a moment.

Yeah, a moment I think
you could be taking advantage of.

I know you need a new host
for 11.30, and she'd be amazing.

- She rocks.
- I mean, she's funny

but old school in the perfect way.
She can talk to anybody...

Hey, you don't have
to sell me on Deborah.

I love her. I loved her guest spot.

But I need someone with...
how can I put this...

staying power.

You said yourself in your interview
in Variety I read it, loved it

that Late Night's on the decline,
and you need to shake it up.

Well, Deborah is a really
noisy choice.

She's certainly unexpected.

But a 70-year-old woman
is a tough sell.

Well, not to your audience.

I mean, the majority
of people watching are over 30.

You put someone like
Jack Danby behind that desk

kids aren't getting off TikTok
to watch him

and my mom doesn't know who he is.

But Deborah sold
4 million physical DVDs last year.

I mean, she's the queen of people
who can't figure out their Internet.

With her, you keep
the audience you have

plus, you're doing something
that's never been done before.

Jimmy, it's a good pitch,
but I just don't think she's it.

But I'm gonna think about it.

You wanna play tomorrow morning?

- Like, in ten hours?
- Yeah.

See you there, sista.

- You reserve. See you at seven.
- Bye.

We can't reserve a court
if we're non-members.

- How much does it cost to join?
- Twenty grand a year. Apiece.

It would be less if we were married.

How much less?

Okay. I hear you loud and clear.

- No, I just wanna know...
- No.

No. It's something
you wanna consider.

- We have to join now,
- It's fine.

- is my... is my consideration.
- Yeah, let's talk about it.

This is the last question.
We can win this.

Which Ventura, California
swing band are known for their song

"You, Me and the Bottle Make Three"?

The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.

Are you okay?

No.

And the answer to the final question
is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

Singular. Big Bad Voodoo Daddies
will not be accepted.

- Yes!
- And that means the winner is...

O'Trivia Newton-John!

It's okay.
It's... it's just bar trivia.

I'm so stupid.

It's... it's okay. Here.

Drink.

Do they have food here?

- No.
- No.

Yes, I fly to Miami next week.

You know the one thing I do love
about getting old?

- Boarding early.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

In the time it takes for them to say,
"Does anyone need any assistance"

I can go from Usain Bolt
to Stephen Hawking.

Oh, shame on all of you.

Flying commercial when you have
the means to fly private.

- See.
- Okay, get this.

We're having Thanksgiving
at my daughter's this year.

And last night, she called me
to give me a heads up

that my 15-year-old granddaughter

- is bisexual now.
- Oh, come on.

Do they even know
what boys and girls are?

She showed me a picture
of her boyfriend.

I thought it was my second wife.

You know, I hate that shit.

Then, they've got the...
the pansexual. What?

They fuck skillets?

Pick a team.

- Yes. Yes.
- Pick a team.

Well, I mean, there are an elite few
who are attracted to both genders.

Or all genders.

- All genders?
- All 15?

- Wait...
- All? A-L-L.

Are you doing a bit?

No. No. I'm... I'm just saying you...

You can't say
that all bisexuals are faking it.

Oh, come on, Deb. We all know most
of the girls are doing it these days

'cause they want a little attention.

Okay.

Is this a bit?

No.

You know,
for comedians, you're all...

a little out of touch.

Uno. Excuse me. Nature calls.

So, Deborah swings both ways, huh?

Between funny and unfunny.

Insane.

You knew she was on both people.

Yeah. What a buzzkill.

Thanks for inviting
the PC police, Henry.

It's gonna be hard
to do a colonoscopy

with that stick up her ass.

Don't even think about
taking that to your room.

Eat it over the sink
like you normally do.

I'm depressed

and I don't wanna talk to you,
so I'm leaving.

Well, too bad.
I'm not talking to you either.

You ruined my poop party!

What? What did I do?

Also, why are you housing cheese
like a fucking mouse?

- It's binding!
- Not for me!

You know,
I finally get in good with those guys

and I can't enjoy it because of you!

You got in my head.

They said some crap about bisexuals,
and I couldn't let it go.

I... I don't understand.
So, you defended me?

Not you. Other bisexuals.

You know, Alan Cumming and...
and Malcolm X.

You know, I had to say something
and then it got really uncomfortable

and I didn't wanna stay

and it's all because of you!

Well, sorry I changed
your mind about bisexuals?

I mean, before you,
I was perfectly content

being a gorgeous Vegas comic,
doing my thing, making tons of money.

And then, you come along

and you make me want more for myself.

And it's just fucking annoying!

Okay, so, you're mad at me
for pushing you to be better?

Yes. No. I...

I... I don't know.
I don't know. It's just...

A few years ago,
I could not have dreamt

that I would walk out
of a party where Henry Weeks

was saying how great I was.

And that's what I did tonight.

- And I'm just mad at you!
- Well, I'm mad at you.

Where are you going?

The bathroom!

Are you...
Is there a bathroom right there?

I've been walking all the way
to the East Wing this whole time.

Oh, my god.

You know,
I'm sorry you had to leave a party.

But I just lost a relationship
with someone I love to be here.

And I'm gonna lose
all our mutual friends.

And our facialist is for sure
gonna choose her

'cause she said
Ruby's face was less work

on a text that I saw
over her shoulder.

And that sucks.

And it's all because
I came back here.

Well, you didn't have to come back.

Yes, I did.

Because I wanted to.
I wanted to be here with you.

'Cause you're in my head.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I guess.

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know either.

All I know is
we better get this thing

'cause it comes
at great personal cost

to repair the trauma
of your pilot not going

during the Carter administration.

That's not why I want it.

I've wanted it since I was a kid.

- You have?
- Yes.

Well, cool your parents
let you stay up that late.

My mom wouldn't let me
watch Ren and Stimpy

because of all the close-ups of zits.

Yeah, well...

You know,
my house wasn't real big on rules.

My dad was a drinker.

The later it got, the worse it got.

Except when Johnny Carson came on.

He was funny enough
that he could distract him.

And he'd laugh.

And we'd all laugh.

It was...

I don't know, it was...

it was nice.

So, all I ever wanted was to,
you know, live in that... that hour.

You never talk about your parents.

Well, it makes you sound old
when you say your parents are dead.

Why don't you just come out
and say why you want it?

I think if people knew
how personal this is for you

that would be really compelling.

Oh, god, no.
I can't even say I want it

let alone all that other stuff.

Okay, sure, but I...
I think you can say what you want.

You've never played by the rules

and I don't think you have
the luxury of playing this safe

because you're not the safe choice.

- I can't risk it.
- You're all about risk.

You self-financed your special
and sold it on QVC.

That was before.

I've got all these eyes on me now.

I'm finally respected.

Respectable.

If I say I want it,
and then I don't get it...

for the second time...

then I'll be a joke again.

And that would just be,
you know, too much.

Would it?

I mean, who are you
worried about being a joke to?

The guys whose respect
you wanted most of all

you just rejected.

Deborah, your superpower
is that you're shameless.

And having shame about the thing
you want most in the world...

isn't you.

You think that's a terrible idea.

No, the cheese isn't working.

All right, well, next up

is the Sulfur Springs
High School Marching Band.

Careful, kids.
Those New York City potholes

could be a doozy.

Well, not to steal
their thunder, Mario

but can I make an announcement
here on live television? Thanks.

America.

I am ready to be the next woman
on network late night.

That's right.

I want to be the next host
of the Late Show.

I may be a woman,
and I may be a natural blonde

but I am the best person for the job.

I'm funny. I'm vivacious

and I'm the only person
who can get away

with asking a man, "Cut or uncut?"

Mario?

- Uncut.
- Thought so.

Okay.

And how about that cymbal section?

Yeah, why don't we take
a quick commercial break?

- Did you see this?
- What?

Deborah Vance went rogue on live TV

and announced she's gunning to be
the next woman in network late night.

- That was bold of her.
- I loved it.

I don't like her for it. Come on.

Joy, you've gotta get over the beef.

- Never.
- Oh, my... Joy!

- What?
- You're unbelievable.

Well, like it or not,
she's on the campaign trail.

So, watch out America.
She's coming for you.

Temps will fall
across Indianapolis late tonight.

Speaking of late night

wouldn't you like
a charming gal like me

on your TV set every night
to keep you warm and toasty?

Oh, no. It's a personal choice.

A Deborah burger
is a very interesting choice.

Can I get a... order
a Dunkin' Midnight Roast?

Welcome to Las Vegas, baby.

Remember,
what happens here stays here.

Unless it's crabs.

Fuck yes. Deb's in. Rock and roll!

In 20ft, you will be arriving
in your destination.

What a dump.

Rinka turkey nurbler da woo-hoo
with a chum-cha. Ooh be gah.

I have been bugging
my manager for years.

The only thing I've wanted more than
Late Night is to be on Talk Stoop.

Right, Karen?

Okay, hold on.

You gotta hear this.

Hi, it's Winnie. So, this morning,
I walked in on my son

doing a Deborah Vance
makeup tutorial.

She might have wider appeal
than I thought.

We should talk. Call me back.

- Okay!
- Okay!

- My god!
- Yeah!

God, of course, her kid was the key.

Executives love listening
to their kids.

I was actually at the sleepover
where we decided

that Tobey Maguire
would be the next Spiderman.

Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god!
- This is huge!

Yeah! Yeah, you did it!