Original subtitles

-Hey. -Look who's here...

-. . .an hour and a half late. -I'm so sorry, Bobbie.

What's gotten into you? You're late all the time.

Last night you missed the benefit with the lingerie models.

Did they raise a lot of money? Will those girls get the help they need?

You are very erratic lately.

Are you doing some new designer drug that you might have on your person?

No, it's just-- I've been working so much. . .

... I'm having a hard time keeping track of things.

Well, you need to find a personal assistant.

-You think that would help? -Sure.

They'll run errands for you, they organize your personal life.

Plus, they do tricks. Watch this.

Jason, could you be a doll. . .

. . .and come in here with a cup balanced on your head?

Jason, say hi to Joey Tribbiani.

Hello, I have a master's degree.

Thanks, dear, that's all for now. Back in the box.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get an assistant. Any advice?

You need to find someone who's a good fit for you.

And personally, I'm always pro-gay.

They smell good and they got those quick little fingers.

Bobbie, you have a 4:00 departmental meeting.

Thank you, Jason. Now do the robot for Joey.

That is just what I need.

Hey.

Hi. What you got there?

R�sum�s.

Yeah, I need a personal assistant now that I'm a busy celebrity.

A guy recognized me yesterday.

A homeless guy asked if you were Jesus.

He knew who I was.

Hey.

Hey, what's wrong?

I just got into a big fight with my so-called friend, Seth.

Nerds fight each other? Don't you get enough grief from normal people?

No, we-- We invented a new material for the heat shields in rockets.

Seth is filing a patent and he wants to try and take all the credit himself.

-Why would he? -It's a scientific breakthrough.

There's a lot at stake here. Money, fame, a very specific kind of woman.

You know, I can help you sort that out. I mean, I am a lawyer.

Sue him. I haven't been in a lawsuit since that dog-biting thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A dog bit you?

No, no, she bit the dog.

Hey, I choose who humps me, not the other way around.

I'm not talking about a lawsuit.

I'm just talking about a mediation.

I'll set up a meeting with Seth and you show up.

I don't know if that'll solve anything...

-... but it's worth a shot. Okay, thanks. -Sure.

All right. Who wants to go through this pile of r�sum�s with me. . .

. . .and help me find an assistant?

What are you wasting your time with these idiots for? Hire me.

Okay, if you really wanna do it.

I don't like the way you just said that. I quit.

Well, I know I couldn't keep you here forever. Good luck to you.

Travis, your r�sum?is impressive. Let me throw a scenario at you.

I send you to the video store. Which Diehard movie do you bring back?

-The first one? -I'm sorry, the answer was all three.

Thanks for stopping by.

Let me be your assistant.

Don't you already have a job?

I'm senior vice-president of the third largest bank in California.

But it's a dead-end job.

Hi, I'm here for the assistant position. I'm Glen.

-Joey. -Glen, nice name.

Oh, what's yours?

Howard J. Peckerman.

Come on in, Glen.

Why don't you tell me a little about yourself.

I moved out here five years ago. Started doing this and loved it.

-Where you from? -Minnesota.

Wow, your English is great.

-What kind of car do you drive? -Pickup truck.

If I hire you, may I ride around in the back like a dog?

-Sure, you're the boss. -Excellent.

Okay, next question. It's 2 in the morning.

I'm hungry. What do you get me and why?

I'm gonna have to go with pizza...

. . .because you can eat it directly off your stomach without utensils. . .

. . .while still lying in bed.

I gotta be honest with you, Glen, you're blowing me away here.

Let's get down to the serious stuff.

Who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman?

-Definitely the Wolfman. -What?

No way. How?

Because he'd fight Dracula to a draw until dawn. . .

. . .and then Dracula would turn to dust. . .

. . .and the Wolfman would turn into a normal dude.

I never thought of it like that. That changes everything.

Joey, where were you?

You were supposed to help me clean out my garage a half an hour ago.

Look, Gina, I'm sorry, I... .

Hi. I'm Glen, and this is all my fault.

I was late and Joey was just telling me that. . .

. . .he was supposed to be helping you. I'm really, really sorry.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Glen. You made me miss cleaning out her garage.

Why didn't you just call?

-l-- -He couldn't...

. . .call because he was stuck on the phone with me.

He had to give me directions. I got lost.

-I'm such an idiot. -Yeah, stupid, stupid Glen.

This neighborhood can be confusing. I'm sorry I snapped at you, Joey.

-I'm gonna go make dinner. -Okay.

-You want the job? -When do I start?

I think you already did.

-Hey, hey. Morning, boss. -Hey.

It was a late shoot last night, but you were great.

Thanks. It was nice having you there.

Thanks for running lines with me, getting me water. . .

-. . .and dealing with that crazy fan. -She find your dressing room?

Yes, she did.

Okay, so listen, I have these contracts for you to sign.

And here is your schedule for today.

And some girl Amelia called?

Want me to break up with her but still leave an opening. . .

. . .so you can sleep together?

You just got yourself employee of the month.

-Hey. -Hey.

I'm dropping off Michael's pants. He asked me to hem them for him.

-That's a good-looking hem. -Thanks for noticing.

If I didn't take care of this stuff he'd walk out naked.

This one got marker all over the wall yesterday.

Hey, your sister's beautiful. Is she single?

My trusty valet is interested in the lady of the manor.

-Think I have a chance? -Yeah.

Hey, Gina. Listen, I think you're really an interesting woman--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're working way too hard there, Glen.

You wanna go out with this guy?

I don't know that much about him.

Let me ask you a few questions.

-What kind of car do you drive? -Pickup truck.

Can we drive with Joey in the back like a dog?

I've already agreed to that.

Okay, will you take me to a nice restaurant?

-What's a nice restaurant? -Ketchup in a bottle. . .

. . .all the crackers I want.

-Do you need a salad bar? -I am not the queen of England.

-Well, I know a place. -All right, pick me up at 7.

All right.

-So you and Gina, huh? -Yeah.

Let me tell you something. That is my sister.

If you do anything to upset her, you're gonna get the beating of a lifetime.

And then she's gonna come after me.

Hello again, Mr. Tobin. Thanks very much for coming.

Can we make this quick? Every minute I am not conducting research. . .

. . .is a crushing blow to science.

I don't understand why you had to bring a lawyer into this.

I'm here as an impartial mediator, not as either party's attorney.

You are an attorney, so I was correct. He did bring a lawyer into this Q.E.D.

-Which law school, by the way? -Pepperdine.

In that case, I should explain. "Q.E.D. " is a term--

All right, let's just start the mediation.

First, I would like you each to state your claim to the material in question.

Why don't I go first? And then Michael can just steal what I say.

Tough talk coming from the guy who thought that impregnating a ceramic. . .

. . .with aerosolized metal would increase porousness without losing strength.

Let's not get personal here.

You know what? He's right. The point of mediation is to resolve the dispute. . .

. . .in a calm and peaceful way.

Which we might do if we had a real lawyer here.

I am a real lawyer, Mr. Tobin.

Is Ally McBeal getting a little flustered?

-You know what? Forget the mediation. -Fine.

I suggest you get a lawyer, because you're gonna need one.

-God, that guy has gotta be a virgin. -Careful.

Sorry.

-Hey. -Glen, where have you been?

I know, I'm sorry. Gina kept me out late again last night.

But listen, I am here now, and I'm all yours.

All right, you got my schedule and my phone list?

No, no. I left them over at Gina's.

Glen, hero to zero.

Hey, you left these papers. I thought you might need them.

Oh, good, my schedule. Great.

No, no, Glen. This doesn't make any sense.

You got me bathing every day?

What are you trying to do, dissolve me?

You know, I'll revise it.

Will you get me a glass of water?

It's in the kitchen. Won't you miss me?

I will, but I'll be liking the view.

-Joey, you want something to drink? -Banana milkshake, please.

I gotta say, I am not loving your effect on Glen.

I can't help it. I'm intoxicating.

Many men couldn't do their jobs after dating me.

How sad for the people who wanted to buy drugs from them.

I can't believe this. He was the perfect assistant.

A few dates with you and he's broken. This isn't gonna work.

Just because he's a little distracted, I can't go out with him?

He really helps me, okay? He does my errands, helps me memorize the script.

You know how much easier it is to act when you know your lines?

Look, I need Glen to be totally focused on my needs.

I had to make it with skim milk. I hope you don't mind.

Michael, listen. We need to have some kind of proof that you and Seth. . .

. . .came up with this idea together. I need you to remember everything. . .

. . .about that day. Nothing is too small.

Okay. All right.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, talking about thermal-setting polymers.

Seth insisted on keeping all the notes on his precious laptop.

It's hard to remember the details.

Joey kept throwing stuff at us and calling us nerds.

I threw some pretty hard stuff at you guys.

Wait, Joey was here? We have an eyewitness.

You're right. Joey, do you remember anything Seth and I said?

I remember everything. Actors are trained to observe.

Great. Okay, take us through everything you saw.

Okay, I was sitting right here watching a rerun of the A-Team.

You guys were over there talking, and then Michael said:

"Blah, blah." Science stuff.

Then Mr. T said, "I ain't getting on no plane."

And then Michael said, "Blah, blah," and then Seth said, "I pity the fool."

And then-- Oh, wait. That might have been Mr. T.

All right, so the fact that you were here is useless.

Not exactly. Seth will remember that Joey was here, right?

I think so. I beaned him like right here with a battery.

Seth doesn't know that you don't remember.

We'll bluff and say that you do. All you have to do is stand there. . .

-. . .and look thoughtful. -Okay.

I need to think of something to give me a serious face.

What's seven times nine?

-Perfect. -Yeah.

Joey Tribbiani's phone.

And what may I say this is regarding?

I can't remember.

Hello.

No, I don't know what time I'm supposed to be there.

I don't have my regular assistant and the temp I got isn't working out.

Let me call my assistant, and I'll call you back. Okay.

I can't believe it. Glen turned his cell phone off.

I'll kill him for you.

He's over at Gina's. I'll bet she had him turn it off.

This is ridiculous. I'm going over there.

Bet they'll be surprised to see us.

-I'm dropping you off at the bank. -I hate it there.

Glen?

Publicity called to set up an interview.

-I need my schedule. -I'll go get it.

-No, you are on a date. -Well, I need it.

-He is not your slave. -Glen, tell her she's wrong.

Joey, why didn't you call me about this earlier?

-I tried to but your cell phone's off. -What?

I didn't turn it off. I don't see how that could have--

Gina, you can't take an assistant's cell phone.

That's like taking a scalpel away from a surgeon.

Except surgeons don't have to help my brother build forts.

Okay, you know what?

I think I'm in the middle of some family stuff. I'm gonna go get the schedule.

Good.

Thanks a lot, Joey. Now I'm gonna have to watch Sister Act by myself.

You are unbelievable. I told you how much Glen means to me.

I like him too.

You don't like him. You wanna be with him because I told you not to.

-You'll be tired of him soon. -Maybe I won't be.

What does that mean?

It means that I might maybe kind of really like him.

Yeah?

Glen is different.

When we went to the video store, he held the door open for me.

-For you? -I know.

And between you and me, I don't think he was that into Sister Act. . .

... but he let me choose. And he didn't even glance at the porn section. . .

. . .which I happen to find very respectful.

I don't know. He's a good guy.

I'm not used to that. Feels kind of nice.

Okay, you know what? You can have him.

-But you need him too. -No.

It's about time you had a healthy relationship.

Like you're one to talk.

-I am. -Yeah? How's your wife, by the way?

Sadly, my wife has not been born yet.

All we're asking Seth to do is sign this affidavit. . .

. . .that says they both worked on the project.

And why would we sign this?

Because someone was present when Michael and Seth together. . .

. . .invented the material in question.

A secret eyewitness, Joey Tribbiani.

Joey Tribbiani.

I'm sorry, what did we say my cue was?

Just come out now.

So I suggest you sign the affidavit right now.

Before we sign, we'd like to hear what your witness has to say.

-Why is that necessary? -He might be bluffing.

Bluffing? I don't think so.

-Please. -Okay. Joey?

Why don't you prove to these people beyond a shadow of a doubt. . .

. . .that we are not bluffing. Michael, let's hold hands.

Yes. I remember the day very well.

Especially the science stuff.

A lot of numbers were used. Six, 1 2, 1 4, all the usual suspects.

He doesn't remember anything. I bet he went to Pepperdine.

Whoa, hold on there, buddy.

I may not be the smartest guy you'll ever meet.

But I didn't go to Pepperdine.

I think we've heard enough.

-Well, this is just great. -Well. . . .

Wait a second, you guys. I just thought of something.

What is it, the theme song to the A-Team?

No, just listen. Well, I'll tell you what I do remember.

Michael and Seth were stuck on something so they got up for a walk.

I looked over at Seth's computer, hoping to find a video game.

Instead, I started opening files and found something much more naughty.

You touched my computer? What did you find?

Something erotic, some might say deviant.

Should I tell everyone, or write it down so it can be entered. . .

-. . .in the record. -I'll sign. You win.

Don't you wanna hear what he has to say?

No, I remember now. Michael and I invented it together. It's fine.

What did you find on his computer?

Nothing. I was bluffing. But I really wanna see it now.

You were bluffing? That was brilliant. How did you know that would work?

Please, every guy has a disgusting folder on his computer.

There's nothing disgusting on my computer.

Really? Why don't you check a file called "Joey's Tax Stuff"?

Look, it's been a little awkward having to share you with Gina.

But I think I've worked something out that's in everyone's best interest.

I'm letting you go.

That's in my best interest?

I don't have a job?

Hey, I just lost my assistant. Let's not play the "who's got it worse" game.

Wait, this is crazy. I can do both.

We can work out guidelines, if you two could be reasonable.

-That's never gonna happen. -No way.

come on, I'm serious.

All right, as long as we're clear about what everyone expects. . .

... this doesn't have to be a problem.

We could talk about a way to share him.

Obviously I'd get him during the week.

If I can get him nights and weekends.

-Well, what about the holidays? -You get Thanksgiving, I get Christmas.

-See, actually, I have a family-- -Glen, please.

When you guys are over here, no kissing.

When we're out, no prank-calling him.

I don't know what you're talking about.

But I will pass it along to Se�or Fartez.

It seems like we got some guidelines.

Yeah, we can make this work.

We should celebrate. Hey, Glen, run to the store. . .

. . .and get us some champagne.

Actually, it's past 5:00, so it's Gina time.

Glen, why don't you run down to the store and get us some champagne.

Now make yours do it.

Bobbie, first of all, his name is Glen.

Second, I don't make my assistant do tricks.

It's not the kind of boss I am.

He's not just an employee, I think of him as a friend.

Thanks, Joey.

Even though the robot is a fun dance and I do enjoy watching it.

Especially when done skillfully.

Come on, Jason, get in there.

Now fight!