Original subtitles

Claudia's had to have an emergency appendectomy.

What, did you dip the appendix in melted butter?

My wife goes under the knife, and you have the audacity...

damn.

Moving on. The groundbreaking for the performing-arts center

at the site of the old produce market

is right on schedule.

Is it true some farmers refuse to move their stalls?

Well, act... [LAUGHS]

Looks like she's got you on the rope there, boss.

Why don't I take over?

That's a good question, sue.

All the farmers fully support the mayor's project.

Each and every farmer is more than happy to move.

Might want to bib up.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

For those who missed it

at yesterday afternoon's press conference,

our very own Paul lassiter was hit in the face

with a rotten tomato...

That is hysterical! Ha ha ha!

...and that's a bad thing.

Oh, I'm sorry. So sorry.

Honestly! Honestly, what kind of a guy

throws a tomato at another man and runs?

I'll tell you what kind... a coward! A wuss!

Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes alone

with that guy...

He'll be here at noon.

Good! You tell him he is lucky...

lucky... I am taking an early lunch!

James, we're meeting with this farmer,

trying to get him to move his stand.

I'm gonna want you in there with me.

There's a lot riding on this.

Wow. Thanks, Mike. I-I'm honored...

flattered.

I really don't know what to say.

Don't let it go to your head, Jethro.

You're the only one around here who speaks hick.

This tomato farmer's killing us.

He's got a 10-year lease and he won't budge,

and the mayor breaks ground today.

I passed the site on my way to work,

and there's a crew of construction workers

standing around catcalling women.

One of them even knew my name.

Actually, that was me.

I like to go to construction sites

to try out new material.

Lastly, the mayor's been sampled

in a soon-to-be-released rap song.

They took a sound bite from that recycling speech I wrote.

"I want you to put your little cans in the big can!"

Here's their interpretation of it.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

WINSTON: ♪ I want your big cans ♪

♪ I want your big cans ♪

♪ I want your big cans, big cans, big cans♪

[MUSIC STOP]

Has the mayor heard this yet?

♪ I want your big cans, I want your big cans ♪

♪ I want your big cans, big cans, big cans ♪

Stuart, you left a few things at my place last night.

Oh.

Your toothbrush... Your socks...

And your saddle.

[IMITATES HORSE SNORTING]

You guys are unbelievable.

How about for once you push two twin beds together

and do it on your anniversary like a normal couple?

Are we making you jealous, married boy?

Claudia is not the only woman I've ever been with,

believe you me.

There's one more.

Trust me. I've sowed my wild oat.

Oh, yeah?

Tell us about it.

Well, it was at a Boston concert

in Chicago back in '79...

And I'm working on my second wine cooler.

And this girl in a red leather jacket comes up.

She's all over me.

Never even got her name.

Red leather jacket, huh?

Yeah.

Wait... front row?

Left side of the stage.

BOTH: Right in front of the bass player...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

[LAUGHS]

You're my oat!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, Stuart!

I had sex with your girlfriend!

Sir, we're meeting with the man

who wrote the "big cans" song.

His name is smooth daddy. He's a popular rapper.

Please, Carter!

I'm not completely out of touch!

Sorry.

Anyway, he's about to release a new cd...

a new what?

A new album, sir,

and we're trying to get him to change the song.

Sir? Smooth daddy's here.

Okay, sir, the main thing here is not to offend him

by playing into any rapper stereotypes, huh?

Heh. Sup?

Thanks for coming!

I got something for you.

Gun!!

Word is you like these.

Oh, cohiba!

I'm, uh, Carter Heywood. I'm head of minority affairs.

Sup?

Yeah, so...

Wow... titaniums. [WHISTLES] That's nice.

You play?

Yeah! You should come out to Westchester.

You and I can hit the links.

How about Saturday?

We can talk about changing the lyrics in your song.

I don't think so...

Gun!!

...but Sunday's good.

Great! We're on!

All right. Catch you... Later.

Thanks, Carter.

If you weren't here, that could've been...

Awkward.

Mr. stepnowski... howdy. Thanks for coming in.

I'm not moving my tomato stand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You haven't heard our offer yet.

We're willing to pay your entire relocation cost,

we'll give you tax abatement for the first year,

and, to sweeten the pot...

A picture of the mayor of New York City

personally autographed to you...

A loyal supporter.

Flaherty, my lawyer says I got an ironclad lease.

I make good money where I am.

I'm not leaving.

I hear ya.

Key chain... Coffee mug.

That's it, now.

And don't go telling the mayor that I did this.

Mr. stepnowski, I promise you,

you will sell just as many vegetables downtown.

The tomato's a fruit.

You go calling it a vegetable,

you might as well put me in a miniskirt,

call me a woman.

Fruit it is.

Hey, Mike.

Sorry I'm late. I...

stepnowski.

You know the vegetable guy?

Fruit guy, Mike.

Back in Wisconsin, stepnowski and I

used to compete in the pig contests.

[SNICKERS]

I'm sorry... pig... pig contest?

Where we come from,

we take that kind of thing pretty serious, mister.

I would've taken you back at swinefest '93...

But, nah, you disappeared...

vanished without a trace, never to be heard from again.

I went to college.

Well, you left behind quite a legacy.

No matter how many fairs I won,

I was always second best...

always in the shadow of "hog boy" hobert.

Hog boy?

Hey, hey... I bet you would like a rematch.

You bet I would!

No rematch, Mike! I'm done with pigging!

We win, you move your vegetable stand.

Fruit stand.

Whatever.

Hey, sweet cheeks.

How are the memories?

Scorching.

Scorching.

[IMITATES STEAM HISSING]

Hey, uh, listen, Deirdre...

There's this, um, one thing I wanted to ask you.

It's kind of silly, but, uh...

You know when you, uh...

Had sex with Paul?

[LAUGHING] Right.

It's a really dumb question, but...

For some reason, I just kinda wanna know...

How was he?

Yeah. I mean, I know the answer already,

but I just wanna hear you say that...

He rocked my world.

Oh, God!!

Trust me, James, you can do this.

This is farming, Mike. You don't know this world.

I don't give you advice about running the city, do I?

That's why I'm very little help to you.

It's a pig contest, okay?

What is the big deal?

We take city funds, we go out,

we buy the biggest, fattest pig we can find,

and we win this thing.

It's not like that, Mike.

These are true competitions.

These are full-fledged pig-offs!

This is the only way we're gonna get this guy to move.

Now, you've beaten him, what, five times?

What exactly is the problem?

[SIGHS]

I was a good pigger, Mike.

Hell, I was the best.

But I flew too high too fast...

couldn't handle the success.

Of course, that's when the drinking started.

Cider?

Two jugs a day.

I squandered everything I won...

everything my manager hadn't stolen.

Then came the bus crash.

Wait a minute... I saw this.

Vhl... "behind the pigs."

This isn't funny, Mike, okay? I did something bad.

We're not talking "deliverance" bad, are we?

Look, Mike, I really don't wanna talk about this.

I don't wanna talk about this, either,

but I have got a pig-off in 24 hours!

Now, tell me what happened.

No.

[IMITATES PIG CALL] Tell me!

I hit a pig!

That's it? That's the bad thing?

Tell you what... I'll make a deal with you.

You do this for me,

when we build that performing-arts center,

we will name it after you.

It'll be called

the James hobert performing arts center?

Around the office, it will.

Oh, my God. Look at this place.

It's a pigsty!

Can we just hurry up and pick a pig?

I've got to get back to the city to...

Buy new shoes.

How about that one?

Mike, you just don't take the first pig

that waddles up to you.

This isn't a fraternity party.

James, I don't know what kind of fraternity you went to,

but that is an awful way to talk about women.

Who's talking about women?

[PIG GRUNTING]

Let's just take this one.

No, no, no, no, no. That one's too smart.

Too lazy...

Too old...

Oh, bad body image.

Wait a minute, Mike.

Do you see what I see?

Another pig?

No, Mike, not just another pig... our pig!

Hey, buddy! Come here!

Yeah! What do you say about that?

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I get it... you're like a pig whisperer.

That mansion of yours sure is phat.

What?

You know, phat.

Oh, I see! "Phat" means "cool."

Yeah, yeah! That's right.

Well, then... After we were married,

my wife got really cool.

In fact, she had to go to a cool camp.

She is really overweight.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, God.

Yeah, well, I should get going.

Fellas.

Did you see how he did that "fellas" thing?

I want a posse.

Sir, you have one...

me, Stuart, James, Paul.

That's kind of a lame posse, Carter.

Uh, sir, about smooth...

I don't know if it's a good idea for you

to be seen with him in public.

It may hurt you with your female voters.

What do you mean?

He took me out of his song, like we asked.

Sir, that wasn't his only song.

His last love ballad was called "you my ho."

[LAUGHING] What's so offensive about that?

"Ho" means "whore."

I did not know that.

Go! Come on! Yeah!

How's he doing?

Well, his form and style are excellent,

but his execution... a little Canadian.

I think the judges are gonna take off points for that.

Really?

It's a freakin' pig-off! How the hell do I know?!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

A 10?

You're giving him a perfect 10 for that?

That's out of 12.

Why 12?

'Cause the first pigging judge in Wisconsin had 12 fingers.

Get out of here. What a freak!

He was my pappy!

Okay, Mike, I'm ready.

James, you look very handsome.

I've seen this before, Caitlin.

You're just in love with the uniform.

Son, you're up.

Get out there and win this thing.

ALL: Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

Win! Win! Win!

[SQUEALS]

Oh! Oh!

Come on!

[PANICKY] I can't do this, Mike!

I can't! I can't!

James, come back! James!

Okay, what part of me expected a pig-off

to go smoothly?

Don't talk to me.

Okay. All right.

But I was thinking...

If I were a candy bar, what kind would I be?

Oh, I know... a snickers. You know why?

'Cause snickers really satisfies.

Paul, I'm kinda busy.

What? No zinger? No snappy comeback, huh?

You know why? 'Cause our dynamic has changed.

I'm the unstoppable sex machine,

and you're the office joke!

Come on! Come on! Insult me! Come on!

Come at me! Come on! Just try it!

Okay!

Paul...

The guy who owns that all-you-can-eat buffet called.

He gives.

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING] That's funny.

I had sex with your girlfriend.

You're a jackass!

A jackass who had sex with your girlfriend.

Are you finished?

[LAUGHING] That's what when we were having sex.

So... Where's hog boy?

Oh, he'll be right back.

He just wanted to, uh... Catch the end of the, uh...

Sheep shot put.

Yeah, I knew he'd turn tail. That's a forfeit, Flaherty.

Me and my tomatoes are staying put.

Not so fast!

I'd like to make a substitution.

Are you substituting under the flanders rule

or the McMahon rule?

What's the difference?

Under flanders, you gotta rassle a pig buck naked.

I'm going with McMahon.

Mike, what are you doing? He'll wipe the floor with you.

And look at this floor!

You're right, you're right.

I'm gonna go find James. You stall him.

But how?

You know, the flanders thing sounds good.

Yo, Randy.

Hey, smooth!

Brought you a copy of the new cd.

The new what?

The new album.

Hey, phat!

Listen, my people think it's bad for my image

to be seen hanging out with you.

It's not personal.

It's a business thing.

Well, I guess this is it, then.

Randy, listen... I want you to have this.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank... thank you, smooth.

Catch you later, homo!

That's "hom-ey."

Right!

James...

I know what you're gonna say, Mike.

I'm brave and I'm strong,

and if I look deep inside myself, I can do this.

You're not a kid anymore, James.

I'm gonna give it to you straight.

The biggest city in the world is counting on you.

Not m not the mayor... you.

Now, put your little issues aside,

go out there and do your job.

[SOBBING]

I-I... I was just trying something new.

You're brave, you're strong, and whatever else you said.

Okay?

Today is the day

that the hog boy... Becomes the hog man.

Oh, we're screwed!

Either step up or forfeit!

Okay, okay, okay!

Address the pig.

Right.

Hello, pig.

No, no, no... address the pig. Stand beside him.

Okay, little piggy. Go to market.

["CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME PLAYS]

[NO AUDIO]

Yay! Yay! Yay!

But how, how, how k... could you sleep with Paul?

Look, I was drunk...

I didn't know a soul in Boston...

No, no, no. No, it was Chicago.

It was a Boston concert in Chicago.

It was a Chicago concert in Boston!

I've never even been to Chicago!

Then maybe it wasn't you.

I guess not.

Huh.

Huh.

I was wondering how you lost 300 pounds.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Barking)