Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Marco Polo, one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl Pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time he's got a little company.

Will you stop just puffing and panting like that?

KARL: Jesus Christ! It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again, he'd want some company this time.

He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.

KARL: Grab hold of that bit. I can't see.

RICKY: They are like chalk and cheese. Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in. He's treating it like a holiday.

RICKY: He says he doesn't want adventure. He doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.

Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no. He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera, tease the camera!

Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.

It's not the night for this, is it?

- Warwick, you'll have to do it. - I'm not doing it.

RICKY: They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime

whether they like it or not.

KARL: Whoa.

Mate.

Thank you for signing up for another adventure.

You're gonna take the Marco Polo route.

He started it all off. One of the most famous explorers of all time.

And he went from Venice through Europe, Asia,

and you're gonna end up in China.

I remember telling you when Dick Whittington walked to London,

that he had a cat with him, his cat.

And you went, "Why take a cat, right? Take a little mate."

I didn't mean a little mate. I meant take a mate.

Take someone who can help you, bring something with them.

Oh, hang on. Whoa! So what are you saying?

That I'm not gonna bring anything to the party here?

I've never seen a dwarf go on a round-the-world trip

on any programme.

Ranulph Fiennes, or whatever his name is,

when he climbed Everest,

he didn't say, "Here's me little mate I brought."

If we're being honest, though...

Karl, what's his height

- got to do with it? - Yeah.

I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.

RICKY: Oh, this is really bad.

Normally, when I've done these things in the past,

all I've had to do is worry about meself.

Yeah.

I don't have that many mates, I don't think I need them.

And maybe that's part of what's worrying me,

that you're like a little sort of limpet hanging on, dragging me back.

- That's how it feels. - Limpet?

Well, that's... something that's just clinging on,

a stag beetle, a leech, taking from me...

Yeah, not a limpet. That would be insulting.

A stag beetle or a leech, he means.

A leech sucking me blood, taking me energy because you're going,

"Can you carry this? Can you carry that?"

- I'll be fine. - It's not fine.

I tell you what, I want that little bit on me phone

with you going, "I'll be fine,"

so that when you're shitting out a lung, I can go, "Remember that?"

"I'll be fine."

That's what worries me, he hasn't got a clue.

It's not all luxury.

- It'll be fine, honestly. - It won't be fine.

WARWICK: Marco Polo, this is where he was from.

This is where he started it.

Just think how old all this stuff is.

KARL: You'd soon get sick of it, though, wouldn't you?

It's a town made for mermaids.

Do you know what I mean? It's just hassle.

Yeah, but if you lived here, it wouldn't be a hassle

'cause it's part of your life.

And you realise, when you want to get from there to there,

you either jump on a gondola or you walk up to a bridge and cross.

Yeah, I think we've moved on, haven't we?

The time when we walked out the water, we stopped swimming about.

We were fish, weren't we, millions of years ago?

WARWICK: We weren't fish.

KARL: We were some sort of swimming grub-type thing.

And it grew up into people.

Now, I don't know how old this place is, but it suited us more back then.

It doesn't work, living like this.

- Of course it works. - It doesn't work, living on water.

This city has been here for hundreds of years.

KARL: Where are we going? WARWICK: Just keep going straight.

I've got no option. I'm like Pac-Man.

(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)

KARL: It's like a fire alarm's gone off, and everyone's just hanging about.

WARWICK: They've come to see this, St Mark's square.

- It's beautiful. - Never heard of it.

1600s, right, this was the centre for culture and entertainment in Europe.

You can just feel the energy.

WARWICK: It's interesting how the human body was represented.

KARL: The body hasn't changed, has it, from how it was then.

It's just that they were probably more tanned

'cause they all walked about with their tackle out.

If you're walking about with next to nowt on all the time,

you're gonna make an effort to have a six-pack.

I've got a T-shirt on, so I'm not bothered.

No one's got any pets.

- Why do you think there should be pets? - Just to cheer it up a bit.

If there was a fat ginger cat sat in the corner,

it would take the edge off someone being clubbed to death.

This is the stuff memories are made of.

Oh, hey!

- That's good, isn't it? - Jesus Christ!

(WARWICK LAUGHS)

KARL: I'll tell you, that is gonna get right on me tits

if he continues this touristy thing he's doing.

He's treating it like a holiday.

It's not how Marco Polo did it.

He wasn't stopping every five minutes feeding pigeons.

He was an explorer.

He's pissed off over there buying ice cream or postcards or something.

He's left me with his bag.

Fucking ice cream. It's gonna take forever, isn't it?

This, getting all the way to China.

I got you an ice cream.

It's melted a bit. It was a long way.

- Do you like vanilla? - Yeah, I like vanilla, yeah.

- We can't keep doing this, though. - What?

Sort of wandering about taking pictures and that.

'Cause it's not me, this.

Yeah, but I'm trying to open your mind and open your eyes a bit

to appreciate where we are and what we're doing.

So we do the pigeons, we get ice cream, Italian ice cream...

I don't need to do the pigeons.

I've never heard anyone say, "I'm going to Venice."

"What for?" "To do the pigeons."

We've got them in Trafalgar Square.

WARWICK: Now I'm starting to think I'm here

with the wrong person, to be honest.

I'm not moaning on purpose, it's just...

No, I know.

And you weren't to know, but I don't like this sort of setup.

I mean, what's a lion doing up there with wings on?

If that was done today, you'd go, "What's that shit?"

(SIGHS)

- Excellent, lovely. - Thank you.

With the rose petals. What a lovely room.

It's like going away with a girlfriend for the first time or something.

You're suddenly, "This is it. I'm with her all the time."

It's when you find out what people, sort of, are like,

the little downfalls, the little irritating things that they do.

Everything's exaggerated.

That's why honeymoons shouldn't be after the wedding.

You should do it before it and find out if you like each other.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

DIRECTOR: Are you looking forward to today?

Yeah. I've got some fun things I want to do.

I also want to show Karl

the idea of the masked ball and all of that sort of thing.

It's a tradition that goes back years, and it gave people anonymity

and they could actually sort of live out their alter egos behind these masks.

And even nuns and priests would do it,

and so they could get away with things they couldn't normally get away with,

which I think is quite interesting.

This is it here.

- Fancy dress. - There you go.

KARL: Dressing up. WARWICK: Masks.

So, choose your character.

- Oh, I hate this sort of thing. - Why?

'Cause it's really forced fun.

The idea is, right, people never had any sort of anonymity.

So to give them that,

they would wear the mask and they could become somebody else,

another persona.

Everyone did this?

Everybody did it. Everyone got involved.

Look at that. Hats look good on me, don't they?

That actually doesn't do a lot for you, that one, to be honest.

Hang on, they knew you were coming.

(KARL LAUGHING)

Now that's funny, that's cheered me up. That's you wearing it, not me.

That suits you, it totally changes you. Honestly.

WARWICK: I want to find the one that's like the plague doctor.

He had a huge nose.

So the doctor would wear something like that?

Well, yeah.

So you go in for a serious check-up, and he comes out...

- I don't know whether he's doing that... - Hi, Mr Davis, listen.

You've got cancer of the bollocks.

I don't want bad news from someone like this.

It's cheered me up though, hasn't it? I don't feel so bad about that now.

SHOP OWNER: Hello, good morning.

WARWICK: It's a lovely shop you have here.

Oh, thank you.

We are going to a masquerade ball tonight

and we need to have the appropriate outfits.

Sure. This is more simple, more silent.

Or this one is nice, too, this joker.

- This is great, this. - Yes.

Let's just see if it fits.

Don't try and wear it like a smart suit. You've gotta wear it as the character.

You're not holding it right now, Karl.

But that's what I'm comfortable with.

I'm not comfortable when I play all the characters that I play.

You keep mentioning that as if you've done loads of stuff

like Shakespeare. You dressed up as a bear in Star Wars

and a green gnome in something else that you always go on about.

Hang on. Okay, think about the bear in Star Wars.

Again, it's a type of masquerade, isn't it?

I was hidden in there and I could fully explore the character of the Ewok.

This is when it gets silly, now. I was happy with the jacket.

That's ruined it as far as I'm concerned.

I look like a sperm.

Do you prefer Pierrot?

- And what mask would I wear? - The white and black.

And what does that say to people?

The message is the dreamer man.

Dreaming? That's more me.

- That's more me. Yeah. - Yeah.

You look a bit sad.

Well, I am, you see. That's the thing, you can't tell.

But hold your body just... Sympathy, get the sympathy of the lady.

- Oh, fucking hell. - No, not "oh, fucking hell," just...

- Jesus, fucking watch it. - No, that's annoyed.

Just be sympathetically sad.

Just... (SIGHS)

- A little bit... - Yeah, look.

Oh, your head to one side...

Good today.

What are you going as?

Casanova.

- Casanova? - Yeah.

- For you? - Thank you, yeah.

This is dangerous, I can hardly see.

I'm in a city where it's like 90%% % water. I'm in a canal.

Okay.

Oh, there you are. That.

SHOP OWNER: And the hat.

Yeah, but you gotta keep that up all night walking around like that.

Stand aside, peasant.

Well, I can't deal with this. You've been doing me head in already

without you walking around swanning about like this.

Honestly. I'm not having a full night of that.

Look at it, though.

I know, look at it.

Madame, may I have this dance?

Definitely not.

DIRECTOR: Are you looking forward to the party?

No, not really. I'm being honest.

Not at all.

It's what Warwick wants though, isn't it?

I don't know, it seems, you know, what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.

This is just a lot of arsing about.

I don't want to be someone else. I've been me for 39 years.

What's the point of having a night off from me?

I'm quite happy being me.

Warwick's an actor, that's what he does.

Who is the real Warwick? What does he like, really?

He's dressed up as a bear in Star Wars, a green goblin in something else.

Someone shouted Willow at him the other day,

I don't know what he played in that.

You can guarantee it's some sort of little troll

under a bridge or something.

I didn't know he was in Hitchhiker's Guide.

He was in that. I didn't know.

The way he goes on saying, "Oh, yeah, people recognise me."

I did not know.

He could have been in 3- 2-1 in that bin.

I don't know. I don't know what he's done.

But the point is, you never see his face.

He keeps going on as if he's a proper actor.

Oliver Reed never dressed up as a goblin.

KARL: Get fed, have a chat, and go home.

WARWICK: You've never been to a fancy dress party?

No.

All we need is a stag do on the next boat.

What's this? What did you do with the shoes?

- It's fine, no one's looking at me feet. - Of course they are.

- Look at everything I'm wearing. - It's ruining the look.

Who's gonna be looking at me feet when we look like this?

It stands out, though.

It doesn't. If I put that on there.

It's not authentic now.

WARWICK: Remember, dignity.

Karl, give us a hand.

Ooh! Whoa!

Thank you.

KARL: Unbelievable, unbelievable.

Thank you very much.

WARWICK: Don't ruin it, all right? With your attitude.

MAN: Gli ospiti, our guests.

- KARL: You all right? - That's your home.

This is Warwick.

- How are you? Manuela. - Madame.

- Hello. - Claudia.

Hello, I'm the Dream Weaver.

MAN: Salute. KARL: Salud.

So, how often do you dress up like this?

You don't ask like that.

In character is what we're doing.

- So, are you very different now? - No, no, no.

Talk about the room and the food

and the experience.

Venetian people like to dress and do some game

to seduce our victims so...

- Like a lover. - Yeah, it's you, it's like you.

I don't know what's going on.

It's just awkward, it's like a horrible Come Dine with Me.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

Listen to him laughing and all that, having a good time in there.

I tell you, I can't wait to find something I want to do

that he's gonna hate.

I'll say, "Remember, Warwick,

"I dressed up as a knob for you that night.

"You do me a favour." (SIGHS)

Isn't this your pride?

If she was a nun, she would have one.

WOMAN: (LAUGHING) I'm not a nun!

Maybe that's why you haven't got one.

No, I'm all right.

I've had some pasta earlier, I'm quite full.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Um...

- Cheers, yeah. - WOMAN: Cheers.

I'll just have one drink and then I'll probably get going

'cause I have to be up early, so...

He might stay, but I'll be shooting off.

Mmm-hmm.

(PHONE RINGING)

- (RICKY SPEAKING) - KARL: Hello.

He's doing me head in.

It's exactly what I said to you at the start.

He's treating it like a holiday.

He's got one of them little wig things on like judges wear and a little outfit

and we've got 5,000 miles to cover, he's sat here having canapés.

I don't know, to be honest. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it's meant to be, I've never seen it.

I don't know what he's dressed as.

A red velvet jacket, like a small Adam Ant.

Imagine Adam Ant as a kid.

(RICKY LAUGHING)

You should see the looks we get. I was on a gondola.

People weren't looking at the old buildings and all that.

They were going, "What is going on there?

"What is happening there?"

(RICKY LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Pretty Woman.

Maybe we can make a game.

An old-fashioned game? A Venetian...

Yeah, of course, old-fashioned.

Casanova use it.

WARWICK: Ah. MANUELA: Yeah?

The pleasure machine.

Well, I don't know about this one. More like Monopoly for me.

Want to be the first?

KARL: Well, it's his idea.

But he knows...

- He wanted to come to a party. - Yeah?

So, Warwick, so it's your go. Yeah, definitely.

I just wanted to have a bit of something to eat and drink.

Warwick, come.

Let's both go in together, then.

We're doing the trip together,

let's experience the pleasure machine together.

WARWICK: That's a bit weird, surely, isn't it?

I pray you, let's go in together with Dream Weaver.

- Put the band... - Oh, yeah, that's...

- Do you see me? - No.

Okay. So, give me your hand, dance with me.

Dance, don't worry.

WARWICK: Karl, this is sensory deprivation.

KARL: So we both went in the pleasure machine.

It's not a machine.

It was a changing room. It was just a curtain.

MAN: Close, relax. The machine's starting. Wait...

No, it's my hat.

KARL: Parlour games were invented for people who aren't really friends.

You've got nothing to talk about because you don't really know them.

At home we have charades, don't we? Play Give Us a Clue or whatever.

If you get board game out, it's 'cause the party's not going well.

(WOMAN WHISPERING)

(WOMAN SHUSHING)

KARL: Who heard of having the garlic and the cheese and stuff?

It was rank

having someone sort of breathing in me face, a stranger,

a smelly stranger, breathing in me face.

I was thinking, it's a pleasure machine.

Where's the pleasure?

KARL: I'm gonna have a walk.

Right, I reckon we gotta get going.

I don't like it, I don't like it at all.

- (SPEAKING ITALIAN) - I've experienced it.

What are you having done?

I don't know what he was having played with,

what he was having pleasured,

but he definitely wasn't in a rush to get out.

- Relax. - I am relaxed.

- WOMAN: Is this good? Touch it. - No, I've had enough now.

- Touch it, touch it. - I don't know what you're saying touch.

It's my hand.

- Just look after him. - No, no.

- I'll see you later. - Karl?

Fucking machine. What a load of nonsense.

- WARWICK: What's that? - (BUZZING)

(GROANS)

There's a lot of hands. Jesus.

No.

I'm just having my bit of fun for today.

Warwick did what he wanted to do last night.

- Hang on a minute. - Getting fondled and all that lot.

That was his wish.

So today I'm just having a go on like a jet pack.

Seen it on the Internet. Wear it on your back,

you whiz along the sea.

It sort of uses the sea to push you in the air.

It's like a superpower, closest thing to flying.

The problem with Venice is it's stuck in its ways.

It's very old-fashioned, the art, the buildings.

Whereas a jet pack is ideal.

A water jet pack here, I don't know why they haven't used them.

They're still messing about in gondolas.

It's not practical.

That's what this is about, isn't it? Showing the kids at home the future.

WARWICK: Look at that.

It's James Bond, isn't it? Wow.

You're gonna be strapped to that in a minute,

flying high above the lagoon.

KARL: It's not quite what I thought it was.

WARWICK: This is really cool, I'm excited about this now.

(PHONE RINGING)

- WARWICK: Hello? - (RICKY SPEAKING)

All right, Ricky, yeah, it's good.

Yeah, it's really going well, thanks. Today's a little bit different.

There's so much more we could do in Venice,

but he wanted to have a go at this water jetpack thing

'cause he thinks it's the future.

So he's strapped into this contraption,

which is actually quite a cool-looking device,

but when he's strapped to it, it sort of takes anything away from it.

(RICKY LAUGHING)

What's he talking about?

So, actually, I think he's regretting it now.

He actually looks terrified.

That's it. That's it.

See you!

- WARWICK: I think we've got everything. - Just end it. Just hit the end button.

Yeah, cheers, Ricky. Thanks, bye.

All right.

INSTRUCTOR: Slowly, slowly.

Slowly.

- It's all... It's pulling me back. - Yeah.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Lower.

I thought you were just in the water and you give it that.

I'm just not a good swimmer,

and I've got, like, fucking scaffolding strapped to me back.

It's meant to be the future.

- You all right? - Not really, I don't want to do it.

I thought it was going to be easier than this.

Well, once you're in, it'll be fine. This is the hard bit, the getting in.

It's weight. I can't breathe. I've got a fucking polo neck on. I hate these.

Well, would you rather be freezing cold?

You're gonna appreciate that when you're in there.

I don't know, I'd just rather not be doing this.

- I don't know why I picked it. - You booked it.

I know, don't annoy me.

INSTRUCTOR 2: It's only one step.

This is heavy.

Hang on, let me just have a rest a minute.

WARWICK: Where would you rather be now, in there or in the pleasure tent?

(KARL GRUNTS)

Just lie back and just relax.

Okay.

So undignified.

Slowly, slowly.

Karl, how do you feel? Excited?

You gotta get up in the water like this.

- Stand straight? - Yeah, just be straight up and down.

Me legs are full of air.

(WARWICK LAUGHS)

Me legs are full of air.

INSTRUCTOR 3: Just lean forward. Just lean forward and...

I'm trying.

I love the fact that he snookered himself with this.

It's his idea.

I'm having problems putting me legs down.

INSTRUCTOR 3: Just lean forward.

One, two, three.

No.

(GRUNTING)

Right.

INSTRUCTOR 3: Okay, now just relax. You feel calm?

- Okay. - All right, so you're ready, then?

Hit the button.

Just try to keep yourself balanced. Now roll over on your belly.

Roll over! Twist!

Roll over!

- You all right? - No, forget it.

I couldn't control it.

You just gotta throw your weight back and roll over.

No, forget it.

I'll get in the water if you want.

It's not worth it. This isn't ready yet.

Jesus Christ!

Exciting, isn't it?

How has this got made?

I've seen people on the Dragons' Den with more useful stuff.

This is fucking death trap.

(SPLASHING)

- We don't have to send people out. - (CHUCKLES)

Ah, brilliant.

Karl, smile, I'll get a nice picture of you with Venice behind.

What are you doing?

I nearly died.

- Nearly died. - I nearly died!

You're fine.

- Just pull the ball. - Pull the cork.

Just pull the ball and you'll come out of the jetpack.

- WARWICK: No, he said the cork. - Well, that doesn't work.

Yeah, it does, just pull it.

It's not coming off.

I tell you what, once it's off, put it in the fucking bin. It's shit!

Pull the yellow cord out, the yellow cord.

- I'm pulling the yellow cord. - No, the yellow one.

There's only one cord!

- Can you help us? - Yeah.

Okay, wait a second now. Open the yellow cord...

(INSTRUCTOR 2 SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Fucking seaweed!

- You okay? - Just one minute, sir.

Look at the state of that. It's like a beetle clinging on for his life.

See, again, it's me picking things. I don't know what I want in life.

I picked that. I've got no one else to blame.

I'm not a great swimmer, I couldn't get out of it.

I saw me life flash before me there.

DIRECTOR: What did you see?

Just seaweed.

Embarrassing really, that, wasn't it?

At least I gave it a go while you sat there.

Gave it a go? I don't know...

I don't think the motor actually started, did it,

the whole time you were there?

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

(RICKY SPEAKING)

WARWICK: This is not what Marco Polo did, it's not authentic.

KARL: Why copy someone else?

There's other roads to be created, other paths to go down now.

You don't always go the same way to Tesco, do you?

KARL: Ah, being a gypsy.

Dunno, there's a little bit of me that I think would like it,

but then I don't know.

I don't like change, do I?

And their life, that's all it is,

it's just one big change day after day, isn't it?

They never get used to their surroundings.

You know what I mean, it's like going on holiday, isn't it?

Those first few days you have where you think, "Right, where's the shop?

"Where can you get the milk from?"

There's nothing here.

KARL: I don't understand how people at home can call themselves gypsies.

There's nothing like that at home.

They're not going around in a little horse cart like that,

they've got a static caravan on breeze blocks.

They're not going anywhere. They're not travellers, are they?

They can't go anywhere. It's on bricks.

Thank you.

KARL: Apple pie? WARWICK: Excellent.

It's really nice. It's lovely.

Mmm, thank you. Lovely.

KARL: Do we sleep in here tonight?

GYPSY MAN: Yeah.

- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - Karl, there's a hole in the roof.

Let's get that plastic sheeting on.

Do we put the plastic on the outside?

KARL: Over the top? GYPSY MAN: Yeah.

Karl, can you get my case in before it gets wet as well?

KARL: That's got a hole in it.

WARWICK: Hang on, I need a bit more room than that.

WARWICK: Look how short that is. KARL: Stop moaning.

WARWICK: Look at it.

KARL: There's nothing wrong with this.

Of all the people to be moaning about being in a tight space,

you're not the one.

(PIPES PLAYING)

Never seen that before, I never spoke to someone

who sort of said, "Oh, what instrument do you play?"

And they go, "Playing the goat." Never seen that.

Properly and nicely done as well, like...

Doesn't look ropy, sort of, you know, a dead animal.

It looks quite perky.

I suppose any animal that has more reasons to be around

helps it in the long run.

I think that's the problem with pandas and things,

they haven't got a job, have they?

They're dying out, and no one cares,

whereas if you've got an animal that's chipping in...

Dogs do a lot now, they've got blind dogs, huskies.

That's just another job for the goat, isn't it?

It does milk, does cheese.

Musical instrument.

It's good.

Got a good tune out of it, I had a good dance, did me bit.

You know, they all seemed to enjoy me having a dance with them.

It's just Warwick, he looked a bit sort of fed up and not up for it.

Hmm.

- (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) - What's that?

- (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know whether he knew that there could be sort of issues

between me and gypsies

and the fact that they like to touch me for luck.

I don't know.

My head seems to be the luckiest point on me, actually,

the body isn't quite so good.

He said a few people were getting sly touches in,

sort of coming up with reasons to touch his head.

Sort of going, "Oh, you've got a fly on your head, there."

Sort of rubbing his head for a bit of luck.

Oh, luck, yeah.

But I think it's a load of old bollocks,

'cause I've been with him for a while and he's pissing me right off.

WARWICK: Nice, thank you.

KARL: Been hard work.

Warwick annoyed me a little bit when we first got here.

I was working me arse off there,

dancing around, getting all excited, into it.

He sat in here doing fuck all.

Suddenly, they show a bit of interest in him and his Hollywood career

and his family and all that lot. He's got his album out.

So, yeah, he's loving that.

That's my children.

We were in Hollywood, that's where the films...

ALL: Ah!

Harrison, Sam, my wife, there.

We went on holiday. Do you have a holiday?

- You're always on holiday, I suppose. - That's a car.

(BOY SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)

That's a flag.

I haven't really got... A pigeon. It's a bit bad, really.

I haven't got a picture of Suzanne, but I've got a picture of a pigeon.

(WARWICK LAUGHS)

DIRECTOR: How was last night?

KARL: (YAWNING) I slept... I slept all right, really, considering

that I had clingfilm for a blanket.

I think he slept all right.

I woke up a few times, he was just there,

just wrapped up, sealed all the way round.

Like a little samosa.

So, in that way, he is cut out for this.

I know I've been saying all along that he's not up to it,

but if it comes to sleeping in little holes and crevices,

he's ideal.

Hello.

Morning.

Will you stop just puffing and panting like that?

- It's really... - I don't want to breathe heavily.

It stinks of goat shit everywhere.

WARWICK: Right, I've been checking the guidebook,

and I've found something I think you might like.

The Sufi religion is very popular here.

They practise mystical exercises, you know, to get into a spiritual trance.

I think you need to find yourself, Karl.

No, really isn't a problem.

KARL: Oh, is this it?

KARL: I mean, what have you done that's spiritual? Really.

WARWICK: I was hypnotised by Paul McKenna once.

- Hello. How are you? - Hello, there.

- I'm Warwick. - I'm Karl.

- KARL: Murtezau? - Yes.

You come in here every day?

So, sorry, what are these, then? This is a...

KARL: He's not growing tomatoes, is he? It's coffins.

- He was a professor in school? - In school, yes.

WARWICK: Will there be a place for you?

This?

Are you happy with that? Are you happy with this as a space?

Right below the light bulb.

It doesn't feel like a graveyard, there's something a little bit more...

No, it does. It does feel like a graveyard.

No, it's more majestic somehow.

Mad, isn't it? Do you think it's mad?

I just want to remember them how they were.

Don't want stuff in the basement.

It's like a car showroom the way they're all stacked up.

I couldn't imagine this ever...

Well, it wouldn't catch on. We wouldn't allow it at home, there's no way.

You have to get permission to have a conservatory.

But why wouldn't we allow it? I don't understand what's so odd.

When you come to sell it,

people are up there going, "Oh, this is nice.

"Oh, what's down here for storage?"

And you come in here, oh, there's Elsie, there's Auntie Jean.

I don't know why you can't just accept things for the way they are.

You just want to always change stuff.

This has been happening for 150 years like this.

I'm not happy with this, I'll tell you. I would not be happy with this.

(WARWICK SIGHS)

Okay, cheers.

(PRAYING IN ARABIC)

(ALL CHANTING IN ARABIC)

It was fine to start with, everyone's having a good time.

Running round in circles, having a dance,

having a, you know, praying, doing the what's-her-name.

Suddenly I thought, "What's going on?" Just doing that thing.

I thought, "Oh, yeah, that's interesting."

And then, bosh, in the face.

It knocked me for six.

A fella put one right through here. He showed me all the scars.

One here, load here.

And then put it through... It's like a game of Kerplunk!

the way he's just sticking shit in him.

What makes me laugh is when I'm at home,

if I get a toothpick, put it in me mouth and mess with it,

Suzanne's going, "Don't do that, it's dangerous."

Wait until she sees it.

If she ever has a go at me again about messing with a toothpick,

I'll go, "Watch that."

- Would you like to try? - No, no, no, no.

Honest to God.

Was Warwick nearly sick?

I looked down at one point,

and he was sort of throwing up in his hat.

It was shocking. I mean, you've got to admit that, seeing it.

And then he started saying, "Oh, we'd better get him out,

"he's gonna be sick on the carpet."

Well, I wasn't.

DIRECTOR: He told us he was all right.

There was definitely a point where he kept turning round and going...

I was worried 'cause there's so many mats in there.

If he's sick, that's seven mats that have to go to the dry cleaner's.

They're all over the shop.

KARL: I've not seen that on the telly. I've never seen it.

Songs of Praise on a Sunday. It's well boring.

I mean, I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see old people dancing around to the Lord's Prayer

sticking knives in their head,

but does it make any difference?

Does it mean they believe in something more

because they do that?

(PHONE RINGING)

(RICKY SPEAKING)

It's going well. We're in Macedonia, of course.

We went to that religious ceremony yesterday.

It was a bit full-on.

Now Karl's just sat there with his headphones on not really talking.

WARWICK: Cheers, bye. RICKY: Cheers, bye.

- KARL: Is this safe? - Of course it is. There's string and...

KARL: Yeah, electric wires everywhere.

It's just fucking stupid. Nothing to do with the Marco Polo route.

WARWICK: It's cool. You're gonna be weightless.

It's something he went on about ages ago.

He kept going on about saying

how he'd love to stick me on a load of balloons and get me in the air.

It's not normal, is it, for a mate to be wanting that?

Warwick, hold the end, do something.

You're here. I haven't seen you do anything yet since we've been away.

I took some pictures.

Jump.

(GRUNTS)

WARWICK: (LAUGHING) Oh, yes!

Fucking nettles!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, fucking hell, it hurts on the comedown, doesn't it?

It looks great, though, it's really colourful.

I've created a new arse.

It's good TV.

That's it, get the seat round.

That's it, cheers. That's better. That's...

Ah, you hating bastard.

Is it better to run off the hill?

WARWICK: For the record, go!

WARWICK: Ridiculous run.

Come on! Go!

It's no good.

- Warwick, you'll have to do it. - I'm not doing it.

- Come on, Warwick. - No, no, no.

LOCAL MAN: Why not?

Well, I don't think I need to, we've got what we need.

That's his answer to everything since I've been here.

"No, I don't want to."

Being short, you see, I don't really like heights that much.

KARL: Don't mess about.

- I'm not messing about. - The kids want it. Get him up?

(CHILDREN SPEAKING MACEDONIAN)

There you go, they love it. Come on, don't let the kids down.

I'm not letting the kids down.

What about that little bear you were doing for the kids?

The thing doesn't even fit me, though, does it?

- Come on. - It's too big.

No, I don't think this is gonna work on me, is it?

Yeah, it is, it's gonna be brilliant.

There's far too many balloons, surely. This is ridiculous.

- (CHILDREN COUNTING DOWN IN MACEDONIAN) - Oh, it works.

(ALL CHEERING)

WARWICK: Hey, marvellous.

I'm gone!

DIRECTOR: Not too high, Karl, not too high. Not too high.

You drowned me the other day. No one cared.

We've got a dwarf on a balloon, there's no danger.

- He's high... - No one cares.

Why didn't you show this concern with me on the jet pack?

- I did. - You didn't.

You went, "Oh, that's a bit of a letdown."

This will make up for it.

It's funny from down there, isn't it?

I never had a kite.

WARWICK: Look at them go.

I reckon that's brought us closer together.

Ow!

- (PHONE RINGING) - (GRUNTS)

KARL: Hello?

(RICKY SPEAKING)

No, I didn't do it in the end. There wasn't enough balloons,

so they couldn't lift me, so I stuck Warwick in it.

I stuck Warwick in it. He was quite happy.

- I wasn't. - You were.

You see? It's fine.

- He was happy. - Wasn't.

Well, hang on a minute anyway.

Why is it all right for me to do it,

but he's lugging around with me and he's not doing anything.

Ricky, not being funny,

I've seen people on balloons, I've never seen a little fella on one.

Warwick's enjoyed himself, there isn't a problem.

- Jesus Christ. - Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, I'm all right. I didn't enjoy it, though.

I mean, it was ridiculous. We had the little local kids.

They were the safety, they were holding on to the ropes.

So anything could have happened. It was windy...

It was their best day ever.

He just would have gone up.

But the same thing for me.

Honestly, if you offered me a cat now, I'd do a swap.

(RICKY LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: Next time on An Idiot Abroad...

RICKY: Right, it's time to hit the road again.

You're continuing your journey via India.

I just love the atmosphere already, you can just feel it,

you can feel the energy, can't you?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Brilliant, Warwick. "Bring them over," he said.

"It'll be good to have some company."

- But what does this look mean? - Very handsome.

Do a little bit from Oliver!

That's it, that's good.

KARL: What you're gonna see now,

you'll never get the chance to see again.

RICKY: I don't want it be one of those shows

where it's just pure exploitation.