Original subtitles

♪ Cry, little sister ♪

♪ Come to your brother ♪

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

(Man laughing)

♪ Thou shall not fall ♪

♪ Thou shall not die ♪

♪ Thou shall not fear ♪

♪ Thou shall not kill ♪

(Carnival music playing over speakers)

(Speaking indistinctly)

(Boys whooping)

(Indistinct shouting)

I told you to stay off the boardwalk.

- (Carousel bell rings) - (Music stops)

(Chuckles)

Okay, boys. Let's go.

You too. Off the boardwalk.

(Carousel bell rings)

(Carnival music continues)

(Boy chuckles)

(Screaming)

(Yelling)

(Grunts)

(Guard screaming)

(Jazz song playing on car radio)

♪ The gentle rain reminds me of ♪

♪ A love I can't forget... ♪

- (Sam) Keep going. - (Lucy) Hey, I liked that song.

- (Man speaking Spanish on radio) - (Sam) Keep going, mom.

- (Classical music playing) - (Lucy) Oh, how about this?

- (Michael) Hang on. - (Man on radio) Don't see

any bogeymen or nasty guys.

(Country music playing on radio)

(Michael) Pretty cool, mommie-o. You want to switch the dial?

- (Switching station on radio) - (Ques music playing on radio)

- (Sam) This jam's quite in. - (Lucy) Gosh! You guys are rough.

(Man 2 on radio) ...Pain,

- discomfort, manipulation... - (Sam) No, no...

(Soft song playing on radio)

(Michael) Too mellow.

- Oh! - (Both) Keep going!

Wait, wait, wait! That's from my era!

♪ Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon ♪

- Keep going, keep going. - Keep going, keep going. Okay.

Hey, we're almost there.

What's that smell?

(Sniffs) Ah, that's the ocean air.

(Sam) Smells like someone died.

(Lucy) Aw, honey... look, guys,

I know the last year hasn't been easy, but...

I think you're really gonna like living in Santa Carla.

(Soft rock music playing on radio)

♪ People are strange When you're a stranger ♪

Faces look ugly when you're alone ♪

♪ Women seem wicked when you're unwanted ♪

♪ Streets are uneven when you're down ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Faces come out of the rain ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ No one remembers your name ♪

♪ When you're strange When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ People are strange when you're a stranger... ♪

- (Sam) Mom! - (Lucy) Yeah.

Mom, there's an amusement park right on the beach.

Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat.

Is there any jobs around here?

Nothing legal.

♪ Streets are uneven when you're down ♪

(people screaming)

(People screaming)

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Faces come out of the rain ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ No one remembers your name ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(whooping)

(People screaming)

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Faces come out of the rain ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ No one remembers your name ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

- Come on, Nanook. - (Barks)

(Door creaking)

Looks like he's dead.

No, he's just a deep sleeper.

If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?

Playing dead.

And from what I heard, doing a damn good job of it, too.

- Dad! Oh, dad. - (Laughing)

Oh, dad.

This is a pretty cool place.

(Sam) Yeah, for the Texas chainsaw massacre.

(Michael) Come on, Sam, give mom a break.

(Sam) What's wrong with this picture?

There's no TV. Have you seen a TV?

I haven't seen a TV, Mike.

You know what it means when there's no TV? No mtv.

Sammy, we're flat broke.

(Nanook barking)

Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew

who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.

Yeah. I know.

But a big legal battle

wasn't gonna improve anybody's situation.

You know, dad, we've all been through enough.

Anyway, I was raised better than that.

Hey! Ouch! My hair!

(Laughing)

Mom! Come on, you gotta help me.

(Lucy) Zoom!

Hey, guys! No running in the house!

Talk about the Texas chainsaw massacre.

(Grandpa) Rules!

We've got some rules around here.

Second shelf is mine.

That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick oreo cookies.

Nobody touches the second shelf but me.

- (Snaps fingers) - Now, there's another rule around here

and I want you to pay close attention.

Don't touch anything.

(Chuckles)

Everything is exactly where I want it to be.

Hey, grandpa! Is it true that Santa Carla

is the murder capital of the world?

Well, there are some bad elements around here.

Wait a second, let me get this straight.

Are you telling me that we moved to the murder capital of the world?

Are you serious, grandpa?

(Grandpa) Well, now let me put it this way.

If all the corpses buried around here was to stand up all at once,

we'd have one hell of a population problem.

Great, dad.

Now, on wednesdays,

when the mailman brings the TV guide,

sometimes the address label is curled upjust a little, like that.

Now, you'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't.

You'll only wind up ripping the cover, and I don't like that.

And stay outta here.

Wait, wait. You have a TV?

No. I just like to read the TV guide.

Read the TV guide, you don't need a TV.

(Rock music playing in distance)

♪ Through the pain, through the grief ♪

♪ Through the lies, through the storms ♪

♪ Through the cries, through the wars ♪

♪ Oh, I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ Flat on my back out at sea ♪

♪ Hopin' these waves don't cover me ♪

♪ Turned and tossed upon the waves ♪

♪ When the darkness comes I feel the grave ♪

♪ But I still believe ♪

♪ Still believe ♪

♪ Through the cold, through the heat ♪

♪ Through the rain, through the tears ♪

♪ Through the crowds, through the jeers ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ I'll march this road I'll climb this hill ♪

♪ Up on my knees if I have the will ♪

♪ I'll take my place upon this stage... ♪

(Boy) Mom! Mom! I can't find my mom.

What's the matter?

Are you lost?

(Growling)

Let's go in here and ask.

Excuse me, I wonder if you could help us.

This little boy is lost and we were wondering

if his mother might be in here.

(Max) I don't really know.

- Oh, well, he... - Terry!

- Oh, how great! - I was so worried!

- Don't run off like that. - There you are.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

(Lucy) Bye, Terry.

Yeah, we only come here to watch one thing.

Well done.

No, thanks.

Well, on second thought...

I told you not to come in here anymore.

Wild kids.

Oh, they're just young. We were that age too once.

Only they dress better. Bye-bye.

You have a generous nature. I like that in a person.

- My name is Max. - I'm Lucy.

- How are you? - Hello.

- Uh, that's my dog, Thorn. - Hi, Thorn.

(Max) Say hello, Thorn.

Well, how may I help you this evening?

We have it all.

The best selection of video tapes in Santa Carla.

No. Actually, I'm not looking for a tape.

What I need, is...

A job?

Is a job. Yeah. I look that needy, huh?

(Carnival music playing)

- (Sam) So where are we going? - (Michael) Nowhere.

(Sam) So what's the rush?

You're chasing that girl, aren't you?

Come on, come on, admit it. You're chasing her.

I'm at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.

Sam, don't you have something better to do

than follow me around all night?

Yeah.

Actually, I do.

(Laughing)

(Rock song playing over speakers)

Showdown in the north land

just the whiff of corruption

is the tip of the iceberg

savorin sweet Liberty

and there's trouble from the south

shouting from the gallery

now I find I've got to shut it out...

Got a problem, guys?

Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.

Pretty cool, huh?

For a fashion victim.

Listen, buddy. If you're looking for the diet frozen yogurt bar,

it went out of business last summer.

Actually, I'm looking for a Batman, number 14.

That's a very serious book, man.

Only five in existence.

Four, actually.

I'm always lookin' out for the other three.

Look. You can't put the Superman, number 77's with the 200's.

They haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet.

And you, uh... you can't put the number 98's with the 300's.

Lori lemaris hasn't even been introduced.

Where the hell are you from? Krypton?

Phoenix, actually.

But lucky me, we moved...

Here.

(Indistinct chatter)

Take this.

I don't like horror comics.

You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix.

It could save your life.

- (Indistinct shouting) - Hey!

Get back here! Hey, those guys took our comics!

Hey! Wait a minute! (Screaming indistinctly)

(Man) Come on in!

Climb inside the world's biggest merry-go-round!

(Engines starts, revving)

Come on, she stiffed ya.

(Shelly laughing)

(Greg growling)

(Metallic screech)

- What was that? - What was what?

- I thought I heard something. - Oh, forget it.

(Metal clanking)

What is that?

(Both screaming)

Well, how do you like that baby, huh?

- It's a beauty. - Come on. Let's get in.

(Sam) All right.

Wait. Can I drive on the way back?

Fatchance. Nobody drives this baby but me.

(Engine starts)

Yeah!

Got to let it warm up a little.

- Yeah. Hearthat, Sam? - (Engine revs)

Just like a baby pussycat.

Okay, let's go to town!

(Opens door)

Are we having fun or what?

I thought we were going to town.

That's as close to town as I like to get.

What a weirdo, man.

Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?

No. It's a pretty cool place.

- If you're a martian. - Or a vampire.

Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?

You think you really know what's happening around here, don't you?

Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit, buddy.

(Alan) Yeah.

You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh?

Actually, I thought it was a bakery.

This is just our cover.

We're dedicated to a higher purpose.

We're fighters for truth...

Justice, and the American way.

All right.

Hey, man.

Read this.

I told you, I don't like horror comics.

Think of it more as a survival manual.

There's our number on the back.

And pray you never need to call us.

I'll pray...

I never need to call you.

Sure.

Mary Mary you're on my mind

the folks are gone and the place will be mine

(people screaming)

Looks great. Definitely. Enjoy it for sure.

- Thanks - Bye.

(Music continues)

(Man speaking indistinctly)

Excuse me.

It won't hurt. It won't.

It's a rip-off.

(Michael) Hi.

If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.

What's your name?

- Star. - Your folks too, huh?

- What do you mean? - Ex-hippies.

I came this close to being called Moonbeam or Moonchild.

Or something like that.

But Star's great. I like Star.

(Star) Me too.

- I'm Michael. - Michael...

Michael's great. I like Michael.

Wanna get something to eat?

Okay.

Where are you going, Star?

For a ride. This is Michael.

Let's go.

Star.

(Chuckles)

You know where Hudson's bluff is, overlooking the point?

I can't beat your bike.

You don't have to beat me, Michael.

You just have to try and keep up.

- (Engine revving) - We're going for a ride, man.

(Whooping)

♪ Say hello to the night ♪

♪ Lost in the shadows ♪

♪ Say hello to the night ♪

♪ Lost in the loneliness ♪

- ♪ Say hello to the night ♪ - (Laughing)

♪ Lost in the shadows ♪

- ♪ No one knows ♪ - Whoo!

♪ I can't wait ♪

♪ I can't wait ♪

♪ No when I see the lights ♪

♪ In the shadows ♪

♪ One must hide ♪

♪ When the sun gets higher ♪

♪ I don't know what this madness means ♪

♪ Say hello to the night ♪

♪ Lost in the shadows ♪

♪ Say hello to the night ♪

♪ Lost in the... ♪

Come on!

Come on, Michael!

What the hell are you doing? Huh?

Just you! Come on!

Just you!

Come on, just you.

How far are you willing to go, Michael?

(Boys whooping)

Beautiful!

- (Paul) Hit the rock box, bud. - (Star) Yeah.

Not bad, huh?

This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago.

Too bad they built it on the fault.

In 1906...

When the big one hit San Francisco,

the ground opened up, and this place took a header

right into the crack.

So now it's ours.

So, check it out... Mikey.

Marko...

Food.

That's what I love about this place.

You ask, and then you get.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Appetizer?

You'll like it here, Michael.

(Lucy) Ten o'clock. Lights out.

- Did you brush your teeth? - Uh-huh.

Okay, night-night, sweetheart.

(Clicks tongue) Sorry.

You know, I can never sleep with the closet door open either.

Not even a crack.

Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit,

but I think that, um...

One of the reasons I divorced your father

was because he never believed in the closet monster.

(Grandpa laughing maniacally)

(Lucy) Dad! Dad, you shouldn't sneak up on people like that!

Brought you something to dress up your room with, Sam.

How do you like that, huh?

Thanks, grandpa.

- Oh, dad, really. You shouldn't have. - Yeah.

Lots more where he comes from.

- Night, Sam. - Good night, grandpa.

Lights out.

As soon as I finish this comic, okay?

Okay. Night-night, honey.

Good night, mom.

(Door closes)

You're history, buddy.

Feeding time! Come and get it, boys.

(Paul) All right!

Chinese. Good choice.

Over here, bud.

Guests first.

No. No...

You don't like rice?

Tell me, Michael.

How could a billion Chinese people be wrong?

(Chuckles)

Come on.

How are those maggots?

- What? - (Boys chuckling)

Maggots, Michael.

You're eating maggots. How do they taste?

(Boys laughing)

Leave him alone.

(Dwayne) Pretty sad.

(David) Sorry about that.

No hard feelings, huh?

Why don't you try some noodles?

(Boys snickering)

They're worms.

What do you mean, they're worms?

Don't eat...

They're only noodles, Michael.

(Boys laughing)

(Paul) Nice worms.

- (Star) That's enough. - (Paul) Ah, chill out, girl.

Drink some of this, Michael.

Be one of us.

Michael! Michael!

Don't. You don't have to, Michael.

Michael.

Michael! Michael! Michael!

It's blood.

Yeah, sure.

Bravo!

(Whooping and cheering)

Give me a ride, Marko.

(All chanting) Michael! Michael! Michael!

Michael! Michael! Michael!

You're one of us, bud. Let the good times roll.

(Indistinct shouting)

♪ Thou shall not fall ♪

♪ Thou shall not die ♪

♪ Thou shall not fear ♪

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

(Laughs)

Perfect timing.

What's going on?

(David) Michael wants to know what's going on.

(All chuckling)

(David) Marko?

What's going on?

I don't know.

What's going on, Paul?

- Who wants to know? - Michael wants to know.

I think we should let Michael know what's going on.

Yeah.

Marko.

Good night, Michael.

Bombs away!

Bottoms up, man.

(Whoops)

Come with us, Michael.

(All cheering and laughing)

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Michael!

(David) Michael Emerson!

Come on down!

(Boys screaming and laughing)

(Boys cheering and shouting)

(Paul) Welcome aboard, Michael.

- Fun, huh? - (Paul) How do you like it?

(Train horn blaring)

- (Train horn blaring) - (Metal vibrating)

(Boys shouting excitedly)

Hold on!

Jesus Christ!

Shit!

Yeah!

Jesus Christ!

Don't be scared, Michael!

(Marko screaming)

(Screaming)

Michael, you're one of us. Let go!

And do what?

You are one of us, Michael.

David!

(Panting)

(Boys shouting indistinctly)

(David whispering from fog) Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

(Straining)

(David laughs)

(Michael screaming)

(Screaming)

(Birds chirping)

Mike! Wake up.

It's mom.

- Mom's home? - No, on the phone, Mike.

- What time is it? - It's two o'clock.

Give me those sunglasses.

You need your sunglasses to talk on the phone?

Are you freebasing? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Ooh.

Hello?

(Lucy) Michael, are you still in bed?

No. I'm up.

Michael, would you do me a favor?

Max asked me to go to dinner with him after work tonight.

Would you stay home with Sam?

Look, Sam is old enough to stay by himself right now.

Hey, I don't need a babysitter, Mike.

Look, Michael, you know, you come home

in the middle of the night, you sleep all day.

I work all day. Sam is always alone.

You know, it's been a long time

since somebody asked me to go to dinner. I'd like to go.

Okay?

Okay, mom.

Thanks, honey. It's a real favor. Bye-bye.

(Wind chimes tingling)

(Creaking)

Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave?

How about some Windex, grandpa?

Yeah. Yes, let me try some of that, huh?

(Groans softly)

(Sniffs) Yeah.

You have a big date tonight, grandpa?

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Yeah. Just gonna drop by some of my handiwork to the widow Johnson.

What did you stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?

I'll see you two guys later.

That wasn't funny, Mike.

(Horn honks "La Cucaracha" off-key)

I'm gonna make you a sandwich.

Don't bother.

Lose the earring, Mike. It's not you. It's definitely not you.

Piss off.

No, all you do is give attitude lately.

You watching too much Dynasty, bud?

(Motorcycle revving)

What the hell...

- (Engine revving) - (Barking)

- (Indistinct shouting) - (Engine revving)

(David whispers) Michael.

(David laughing in distance)

Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael.

No, wait. Mike, don't open the door! Mike!

Mike, don't!

(Silence)

What's going on, Mike?

Go take your bath.

(Grunting)

- (Coughs and strains) - (Wind blowing)

(Singing along with radio) ♪ Ain't got no home ♪

♪ No place to roam ♪

♪ I'm a lonely boy ♪

♪ I ain't got a home ♪

♪ I've got a voice ♪

♪ And I love to sing ♪

♪ I sing like a girl ♪

♪ And I sing like a Frog ♪

♪ I'm a lonely boy ♪

♪ I ain't got a home ♪

(vocalizing)

(Song continues)

(In high-pitch) ♪ I ain't got a man ♪

♪ I ain't got a son ♪

♪ I ain't got a daughter ♪

♪ I ain't got no one ♪

♪ I'm a lonely girl ♪

♪ I ain't got a home... ♪

(Michael panting)

(Barking and growling)

(Clanging)

(Michael grunting)

(Silence)

(Door opens)

Mike?

Mike, are you there?

Nanook?

(Michael groans softly)

Michael?

Mike, what happened?

- Nanook. - What about Nanook?

What did you do to my dog, you asshole?

Nothing. I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.

Why did he bite you, Mike?

What'd you do to him?

He was protecting you.

Look at your reflection in the mirror.

You're a creature of the night, Michael.

Just like out of a comic book.

You're a vampire, Michael!

My own brother, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire.

Well, you wait till mom finds out, buddy!

Sammy, wait. Sam!

- Stay back! - Just let me talk...

Wait a minute. Sam!

- (Banging on door) - Sam!

- Get away from me, Mike! - Open the door!

Come on, open the door, Sammy.

Sammy, open the door. Sam!

(Continues banging)

(Panting)

(Heart beating)

You did the right thing by calling us.

Does your brother sleep a lot?

Yeah, all day.

(Alan) Does the sunlight freak him out?

He wears sunglasses in the house.

(Edgar) Bad breath? Long fingernails?

Yes, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um...

He always had bad breath, though.

He's a vampire all right.

(Edgar) All right, here's what you do.

Get yourself a good, sharp stake.

And drive it right through his heart.

I can't do that! He's my brother!

(Alan) Okay. We'll come over and do it for you.

You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy...

or it's your funeral.

(Line disconnects)

(Shivering)

(Straining)

(Breathing heavily)

(Grunting)

- (Objects clattering) - (Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Michael screaming in distance)

(Telephone rings)

- Hello. - Sam, is everything all right?

Mom, I think we have to have a real long talk about something.

(Screaming) Help!

- (Lucy) What's going on there? - (Sam) Mom?

(Lucy) Sam, I'm starting to get worried.

(Exclaims)

- (Sam) Mom... - (Screaming) Help!

(Lucy) What's that noise? Is that Michael...

- Help! - Screaming like that?

(Sam) Now, we should stay calm.

(Lucy) Calm? Calm about what?

(Sam) Oh, nothing, nothing.

(Lucy) Listen, just who's making that noise?

Mom, I can't talk about it on the phone. It's about Michael.

Don't listen to him, mom. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Sam doesn't know what he's saying.

- Mom! - Shut up, Sam.

Mom, help! He's coming to get me!

- Oh, my god! - (Sam) Mom!

Mom! He's gonna kill me.

- Mom! - Honey, I'm coming.

Tell him I'm coming!

(Sam) Tell him to get away! No! No! Mom!

Open up!

Stay back! Stay back!

Sammy, help me! Open up!

Help me! Sammy, open the window!

- You're a vampire! I knew it! - I am not!

So what are you? The flying nun?

I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me!

- (Knocks on window) - Sammy, open up!

Please.

Please.

Thank you, Sam.

We gotta stick together, Sam. We gotta stick together, bro.

- What about mom? - Just don't tell her anything.

I don't know, Mike.

It's not like getting a "D" in school or something, you know?

We're gonna work this out. I'm gonna work this out.

- Trust me, okay, Sam? - (Lucy) Sam?

Okay.

Sam! Sam!

Sam.

Sam, are you all right?

Oh, you had me scared to death.

I'm okay, mom. I was reading a horror comic,

and I thought I saw someone out my window,

but I guess I got a little carried away, that's all.

You got carried away by a comic book?

It was a scary comic, mom. I'm sorry.

(Sighs)

You know, I've just about had it with the both of you.

You know that?

What is this mess?

You spill milk all over the kitchen floor,

and don't even bother to clean it up?

- (Sam) I didn't spill it, mom. - I don't believe you people.

The refrigerator door's wide open.

Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood?

You know, it's not fair.

I would like to have a personal life, too.

- Where's Michael? - He went to bed early, mom.

(Horn honks "La Cucaracha" off-key)

(Engine stops)

Can I sleep in here with you tonight?

In here? Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all.

- Do you mind? - No, I don't mind.

(Sniffs)

- Have you been eating pizza? - No. Why?

Whoo! You smell like garlic.

(Dog whimpering)

(Growling)

(Whimpering)

Who's there?

(Dog whimpering)

Hello, Thorn.

Is that you, Thorn? Is that you making all that noise?

(Thorn barking)

(Motorcycles revving)

- (Motorcycles revving) - (Boys whooping)

Star!

Star!

(Sniffs)

(Bottles shatters)

I'm over here, Michael.

What's happening to me, Star?

(Star) Michael.

- What's happening to me, Star? - Oh, Michael.

Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to help you.

What's happening?

I can't. I can't.

♪ Last fire will rise Behind those eyes ♪

♪ Black house will rock, Blind boys don't lie ♪

♪ Immortal fear, that voice so clear ♪

♪ Through broken walls, that scream I hear ♪

♪ Cry, little sister ♪

♪ Thou shall not fall ♪

♪ Come, come to your brother ♪

♪ Thou shall not die ♪

♪ Unchain me, sister ♪

- ♪ Thou shall not fear ♪ - (High-pitch screech)

♪ Love is with your brother ♪

♪ Thou shall not kill ♪

(Boys whooping and cheering)

Hey, aren't we friends anymore?

Sure.

Sure.

Does that mean we are, or--

- We are. - We are?

Well, then let's act like friends. Let's talk.

Michael, take off your glasses.

Michael, look at me.

- If... if there's a girl-- - I'm tired, mom.

- We could talk-- - I'm tired.

We could talk about anything you wanted to talk about.

I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school.

There's things I'm dealing with that you--

Things I wouldn't understand?

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

(Grandpa) Eh...

Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night, huh?

(Grandpa chuckles)

(Sam) Did you take care of everything, Michael?

(Sam) What's the wine for?

My apology to Max for running out on him last night.

Which, young man, you should be making.

Mom...

Honey, I better bring this up to the house

or somebody's just gonna take it.

All right, I'll be here.

Hi, Thorn.

(Barking menacingly)

Oh!

Sam. Sam!

- Sam! Help, Sam! - (Barking)

Mom!

Sam. No!

- (Lucy screaming) - (Barking)

Mom!

(Thorn growling and barking)

Oh, my God!

Honey, get in the car!

Get in the car!

(Growling and barking)

So then the dog started chasing my mom

like the hounds of hell in vampires everywhere.

We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity

in this town for a long time.

Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.

As a matter of fact, we're almost certain

that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.

Kill your brother. You'll feel better.

Look, guys, my brother is not a bloodsucker.

Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire,

all half-vampires will return to normal.

Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half.

Does your brother know who the head vampire is?

No, I don't think so.

Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't...

then we will.

This all started when my mom went to work at Max's video store.

Max never comes in till after it's dark.

The dog who chased my mom this morning was his.

And listen to this,

"Vampires require a daytime protector, a guardian,

to watch over them as they sleep.

Fierce dogs, the hounds of hell,

are often employed for this purpose."

No shit.

Yeah, well, what happens if my mom

is dating the head vampire?

You guys can nail him and save Santa Carla.

Truth, justice, the American way triumphs.

Thanks to you two.

We'll check out Max.

- Sam. - (Door slams)

(Windows rattling)

Hey! Smells good. When do we eat?

I told Max eight o'clock.

Max? Are we gonna have company again?

(Lucy) "Again"?

Dad, you haven't had company in this house

since mom died 8 years ago.

Right. Now we're gonna have company again.

Michael, Max is coming to dinner. I'd like you to meet him.

I can't, I have plans.

Oh, Michael.

You know, things are gonna change around this house

when school starts.

Hey.

How you doing?

You must be Michael, right?

And you must be Max.

Right. How are you?

Well, you're the man of the house...

and I'm not coming in until you invite me.

You're invited.

Thanks very much.

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Is it all right for the guest to see the food before dinner?

No, you're thinking of the groom

not seeing the bride before the wedding.

Oh, yeah, I always get those confused.

Thorn sends his apologies.

Well, tell him I'm walking again.

(Both chuckle)

He promises to behave if you come back.

Oh, that's so sweet.

(Sam) Mom?

These are my dinner guests.

Edgar and Alan, the Frog brothers.

Oh, I didn't know you were having guests.

Mom, you know, if we're in your way,

we can go eat some peanut butter in the kitchen.

Very funny. No, there's plenty for everybody.

Max, this is my son, Sam, and Edgar and Alan Frog?

(Both) Mm-hmm.

- Lucy, this looks terrific. - I hope it tastes good.

Mm, tastes wonderful.

(Lucy chuckles) Mmm.

Boy! Somebody around here has bad breath!

(Nanook whimpering)

Nanook, would you quit breathing on me?

Nanook, get upstairs. Go on.

You want some parmesan cheese on that?

Um, yeah, Sam. Thank you very much.

Sam grated the cheese himself. My son.

Another budding chef in the family.

(Coughing)

Are you all right?

No. It's...

It's not cheese, it's garlic.

I bet you hate garlic, don't ya?

No, I like garlic. It's just a little much.

It's raw garlic.

(Sniffs)

Garlic? How did that happen?

Guys, he likes garlic.

(Lucy) Sorry.

Here. Quick, drink some water!

- Hey, wait a minute... - (Lucy) Oh, Sam!

What's the matter with you?

Does it burn?

Burn? What, are you nuts?

It's freezing.

(Lucy) Oh, look at your suit, Max. And your pants.

- I'm so sorry. - (Max) It's all right.

(Lucy) Gosh.

Now what?

(Sam) Must be a circuit breaker, mom.

- He's not glowing. - I know. Hit the lights.

- (Screams) - (Lucy shrieks)

Sam! What has gotten into you tonight?

I think I know what's going on around here tonight.

- You do? - (Max) Yeah.

I know what you're thinking, Sam, but you're wrong.

- I am? - Yeah.

I'm not trying to replace your father,

or steal your mother away from you.

I would just like to be your friend, that's all.

Good night, Lucy.

- (Sighs) Thanks a lot. - I'm sorry, mom.

(Lucy) Max, I'm so sorry.

Major mistake.

Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? 0 for 2.

You were so sweet to him just now.

Really, I don't know what got into him. He's not like that.

I'll tell you, kids Sam's age need discipline,

othenrwise they run all over you.

He doesn't run over me.

Protecting mother.

Listen. Let's try it once more.

Dinner, my house, tomorrow night.

- I'm cooking. - Okay.

Bye.

(Carnival music playing)

(People screaming)

Hey! Whoa!

Where is she?

(Chuckles)

Take it easy, Michael.

Where's Star, David?

Michael, you ever wanna see Star again,

you better come with us now.

(Hip-hop music playing in distance)

(Laughter)

♪ Seesaw swingin' with the boys in the school ♪

♪ With your feet flyin' up in the air ♪

♪ Singin', "Hey diddle diddle" with your kitty in the middle ♪

(laughing)

- ♪ Walk this way! ♪ - ♪ Talk this way! ♪

♪ When she told me how to walk this way she told me to ♪

♪ Walk this way, talk this way ♪

♪ Walk this way, talk this way ♪

Michael!

Over here.

(Paul) Go on, Michael.

(Music continues)

You don't wanna miss this. (Chuckles)

(Indistinct shouting)

♪ Like this ♪

(Music continues)

♪ Seesaw swingin' with the boys in the school ♪

♪ And your feet flyin' up in the air ♪

♪ How about this? Whoa! ♪

Initiation's over, Michael.

It's time to join the club.

(Boys laughing maniacally)

♪ Walk this way, talk this way ♪

Hi, Michael.

♪ Walk this way, talk this way ♪

♪ Walk this way, talk this way ♪

♪ Just give me a kiss ♪

(All screaming)

(All screaming)

- (David) Michael. Michael! - (Boys laughing)

Michael!

Michael. Come on, Michael!

Come on, Michael...

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(David chuckles)

(Breathing heavily)

Now you know what we are.

Now you know what you are.

You'll never grow old, Michael.

And you'll never die.

But you must feed.

(All laughing)

(Creaking)

(Screams)

I wish grandpa would stop giving me these stupid things.

- (Screams) - It's okay.

I know who I am now, Sam.

Don't kill me, Mike.

I'm basically a good kid, sojust don't kill me.

- What? - I can help you.

Just tell me who the head vampire is.

I thought it was Max, but I was wrong.

Just work with me, and I can help you. You'll be okay.

(Star) Michael!

Michael!

It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of 'em?

I have to talk to you. Can I come up?

You shut the window and lock your door.

(Wind howls)

She's one of 'em!

And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike.

You know where David took me tonight, don't you, Star?

Who's David?

Yes. It's my fault.

If you hadn't met me, if I hadn't liked you...

I tried to warn you.

It was that night in the cave, wasn't it?

That wasn't wine they gave me to drink. It was blood.

That was David's blood.

You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy?

I'm just like David now, Star.

No, you're not. You're like Laddie and me.

We're not one of them...

Until you make your first kill.

Why didn't you kill me last night?

You were supposed to be my first.

That's what David wanted.

But I couldn't, Michael.

Because you care so much about me?

Yes, I do.

What are you doing here? What do you want from me?

I wanted to tell you that it's not too late for you.

But for me, it gets harder and harder to resist.

I'm weak.

Why did you come here tonight, Star?

I was hoping you'd help Laddie and me.

(Scoffs)

(Chuckles)

(Winds howling)

Star!

Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!

- (Michael) What are you doing? - I've got connections.

(Bicycle bell rings)

Okay. Where's Nosferatu?

- Who? - The Prince of Darkness.

The Night Crawler. The Bloodsucker.

El vampiro.

Mike, they're here!

(Tires squealing)

Hey, grandpa! Is it okay if we borrow your car?

Weapons check.

I don't want you going down there.

Oh, I'm going.

Look, this isn't a comic book, Sammy.

These guys are brutal killers.

So are the Frog brothers.

Check me.

Look, who'd you rather go down there with you? Them or me?

If something happens down there,

I'm not gonna have the strength to protect you.

Well, this time I'll protect you, bud.

Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother.

Listen, just so you know,

if you try to stop us or vamp out in any way,

then I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it.

Chill out, Edgar.

Yeah. Come on.

Where did you say you met these guys?

- (Edgar) Holy shit! - (Alan) Vampire hotel.

Here's one. Come on, let's stake her, man.

Don't you touch her! You stay away from her!

(Edgar) Come on. Vampires have such rotten tempers.

Star.

The rest of 'em have gotta be around here some place. Let's find them.

Star.

I'm taking you out of here.

No, take Laddie first, please.

I feel a draft. I think there's something up here.

Let's check it out, Sam.

Come on.

(Edgar) Let's go.

I'll be right back, Mike!

I hope.

(Edgar) Come on, Sam, let's go!

Move, Alan! Move!

(Flies buzzing)

(Grunting)

Flies!

We're on the right trail.

Flies and the undead go together like bullets and guns. Come on!

(Grunts and pants)

Jesus.

(Sniffing)

What's that smell?

Vampires, my friend. Vampires.

(Alan coughing)

(Edgar) Come on.

(Sam) It's freezing in here. (Screams)

Come on, guys, it looks like a dead end.

Let's head back, huh?

They must have hidden the coffins around here some place.

There's nothing here. Let's go, guys.

Jesus!

(Screams)

Shit!

(Screams)

I thought they were supposed to be in coffins.

That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin.

Right now they're at their most vulnerable.

Easy pickings.

Remember, you just have to kill the leader, huh?

We don't know which one the leader is.

I guess we'll just have to kill them all.

Let's start with the little one.

First come, first staked.

What was that? A little vampire humor?

It wasn't funny.

Oh, my God.

No! Don't even...

Good night, bloodsucker.

(Screeching)

(Vampires roaring)

(Both screaming)

(All screaming)

You're dead meat!

- (All screaming) - Let's get out of here! Go! Go!

(Roaring)

(Sam) Go, go, run! Go, run, go!

Let's get out of here! Run! Go! Go, run! Go!

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

- (Roars) - (Edgar) Grab him! Grab him!

Get him into the light!

Get him into the light!

Get him into the light!

Get him into the sun!

Get him into the sunlight!

Get him into the sunlight!

Come on! Get him into the light!

(Screaming)

Tonight... (Chuckles softly)

(Sam) Mike, start the car!

Mike!

Mike!

Start the car! Mike!

Mike!

- We blew it, man! We lost it! - Shut up!

We unraveled in the face of the enemy.

It's not our fault. They pulled a mind-scramble on us.

They opened their eyes and talked.

I'll drive.

We don't ride with vampires.

Fine. Stay here.

- We do now. - Yeah.

Come on! Sam! Let's get out of here.

Burn rubber.

(All screaming)

(Brakes screech)

Christ!

"Burn rubber" does not mean warp speed.

(Nanook barking)

Cool it, Nanook!

Your dog knows a flesh-eater when he smells one.

Take him outside, Sam.

Come on, Nanook.

Michael.

Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas

when you take it without asking?

No, grandpa.

Well, now you do.

We definitely blew plan A.

Time to activate plan B.

- Okay, what's plan B? - We don't have one yet.

We only have two and a half hours to come up with one.

Why, what's in two and a half hours?

The sun will go down. They'll be looking for us.

(Door closes)

- Mom! - (Lucy speaking indistinctly)

Sam, what are you doing with the bike?

Mom, listen. I gotta tell you something. It's real important. Shh.

Santa Carla is crawling with vampires, mom.

- Excuse me. - Mom, I'm serious!

Listen, Edgar staked one. It was screaming and fizzing!

Look, there's evidence on my sweater.

Mom, you gotta tell someone.

Come on, honey.

- Man, you gotta tell someone! - This isn't funny!

I'm not kidding, mom. They're coming out as soon as it gets dark.

Okay, stop it. Right now. Just stop it.

- Mom... - No, not another word.

I don't believe you're doing this.

I'm gonna see Max tonight, and you're trying to ruin it for me.

No, I'm not!

Honey, there's nothing wrong with Max.

I don't know why you don't want me to see...

I'm not talking about Max, all right? To hell with Max!

I'll deal with you later, young man.

- Mom. - No.

Guys, we're on our own.

Good. That's just the way we like it.

Son and the holy spirit.

(Door closes)

Grandpa?

The widow Johnson called.

She said to pick her up at 7:00 instead of 8:00, okay?

We got a date tonight?

I guess so. She said not to be late.

Well, I better get cleaned up then, huh?

(Horn honks "La Cucaracha" off-key)

Let's go, let's go! Come on!

Die, Mr. Vampire!

Let's go. Come on, come on!

Watch out, you guys.

They'll be coming for Laddie and me, won't they?

They'll be coming for all of us.

Laddie, wake up.

(People screaming)

(Screaming)

(Max) Okay.

- (Lucy) It's delicious! - (Max) Thank you.

- (Barks) - (Shrieks)

Thorn, stop that.

- (Lucy chuckles) - What's the matter, Lucy?

Just old memories coming back.

No, seriously. Why are you so jumpy tonight?

No... well, it's something Sam...

He came into the store and...

You know, it was just a kid's imagination, I'm sure, but...

He seemed so sincere. But...

It's insane.

Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest.

(Whimpers)

(Edgar) I think I should warn you all.

When a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight.

No two bloodsuckers go out the same way.

Some yell and scream. Some go quietly.

Some explode. Some implode.

But all will try to take you with them.

(Creaking)

(Whimpering)

(Barks)

Nanook. I left him outside.

(Edgar) Don't go out there! Stop him!

(Michael) Sam! Sam!

(Edgar) Sam, watch out!

- Sam, come back! - No wait!

- Come back! - Sam!

Sam, get back here, man!

(Sam) Nanook!

(Nanook whimpers)

Come on.

- (Star) Michael! - (Alan) Come on, come back!

- (Star) No! - (Alan) Come on back!

(Edgar) Michael! Come back!

Mike!

(Star) Hurry! Michael, hurry!

Hurry, Michael!

Michael, they're coming!

They're coming!

Hurry up, man!

They're coming, Mike!

Come on, come on!

They're coming now!

Take them upstairs!

Come on! Let's go! Come on! Move it! Move it!

Move it! Move it!

Come on!

(Yells)

(Laughs)

Stay here!

I say we terminate them right now.

Laddie, run!

- Hey! - (Alan yells)

You're mine!

You killed Marko!

Yeah. You're next.

No. You're next.

(Laughs)

Garlic don't work, boys.

Try the holy water, death breath!

(Screaming)

(Both screaming)

(Barking)

(Screaming)

(Both screaming)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(Screaming)

Come on!

Mike. Mike.

Mike. Mike! Mike, wake up.

(Sam screaming)

- (Roaring) - (Sam screaming)

(Both screaming)

(Dwayne grunting)

(Breath trembling)

(Laughs)

- You missed, sucker. - Only once, pal.

(Laughing)

(Screeching)

(Rock music playing loudly on stereo)

(Screaming)

(Music stops)

Death by stereo.

Come on.

(Water gushing)

The hell?

Come on.

(Roars)

(Laughs)

(Both grunting)

Hey, hey. Shh, it's me. It's me.

Are you okay?

I nailed one of 'em downstairs with a bow and arrow.

All right, Sam-o.

We trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister.

We totally annihilated his night-stalking ass.

Well, Nanook helped a little.

Right, Nanook.

Death to all vampires.

Maximum body count.

We are awesome monster-bashers.

- Yeah. - The meanest.

The baddest.

(Screeching)

(All screaming)

(Laddie screaming)

(Grunts)

(Panting)

- Holy shit! The attack of Eddie Munster. - Get him!

- Laddie... - Stop! Get away from him!

You just stay away from him!

He's just a little boy.

(Growling)

(Yells)

(David chuckles)

You afraid to face me, David?

Come on.

(David) I tried to make you immortal.

You tried to make me a killer!

(David laughs)

You are a killer.

(Both snarling, grunting)

My turn.

(Grunting)

Stop fighting me, Michael.

I don't wanna kill you.

Join us.

Never.

Too late. My blood is in your veins.

So... is... mine!

(Both yelling)

(Screaming)

♪ Thou shall not fall ♪

♪ Thou shall not die ♪

♪ Thou shall not fear ♪

♪ Thou shall not kill ♪

Michael!

(Gasping)

(Sam) Mike!

Don't let them see me like this.

Michael!

Yeah.

Get away, Sam.

Mike, what's wrong?

I said get away!

What's the big deal? You destroyed the head vampire.

It's all over.

Nothing's changed.

He's right. I don't feel any different.

Then there's still one more.

Sam? Michael?

I'll handle mom. Come on, go.

Don't let her see any of the bodies.

- Sam? Michael... - Mom.

- What the hell is going on? - What happened?

I think we have to have a heavy conversation--

- Where's Michael? - We need to explain this.

- Listen, wait. - What happened to your face?

- Mom, mom. - What happened to your face?

What's going on here...

The food fight Michael and I got into last year...

This has nothing to do with the food fight...

(Lucy) I don't wanna hear another word from you

until I talk to Michael.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

This is all my fault.

David and my boys misbehaved.

I told you. Boys need a mother.

Max, what are you talking about?

I knew it! You're the head vampire.

Sam, don't start this again.

You're the secret that David was protecting.

Hmm.

Who's this?

But you passed the test!

Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy.

It renders you powerless.

Did you know that?

Of course. Everyone knows that.

Has everyone gone crazy here?

What's the matter with all of you?

It was you I was after all along, Lucy.

What?

I knew.

That if I could get Sam and Michael into the family...

There's no way you could say no.

Where's Michael?

It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy.

Just like one big happy family.

Your boys...

And my boys.

Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.

But I still want you, Lucy.

(Screeching)

I haven't changed my mind about that.

I didn't invite you this time, Max.

Michael.

(Laughs)

Michael, no!

Michael!

(Yells)

(Grunts, laughs)

- Don't you touch my mother. - No, Sam, don't!

Sam! No!

Sam.

(Max) Don't fight, Lucy.

It's so much better if you don't fight.

Mom! Mom, don't!

Mom! Don't do it, mom! Mom, don't do it!

- Sam... - Mom, no!

- Mom, no! - Sam...

Mom! Mom!

(Horn honks "La Cucaracha" off-key)

(Screaming)

(Rumbling)

(Boys coughing)

Jesus!

(Both coughing)

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah!

Man, we kicked their ass, man.

It's over. (Crying)

Star! Star!

Laddie!

(Nanook barking)

Is everybody okay?

Aw... Michael!

- Are you okay? - Michael!

Oh, my sons!

Oh, my boys!

How much do you think we should charge them for this?

Dad.

Dad, are you all right?

(Sighs, sniffs)

One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach...

all the damn vampires.

(Refrigerator door closes)

♪ People are strange ♪

♪ When you're a stranger ♪

♪ Faces look ugly ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

♪ Women seem wicked ♪

♪ When you're unwanted ♪

♪ Streets are uneven ♪

♪ When you're down ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Faces come out of the rain ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ No one remembers your name ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ Faces come out of the rain ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ No one remembers your name ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ When you're strange ♪

♪ I can't light ♪

♪ No more of your darkness ♪

♪ All my pictures ♪

♪ Seem to fade to black and white ♪

♪ I'm growing tired ♪

♪ And time stands still before me ♪

♪ Frozen here ♪

♪ On the ladder of my life ♪

♪ Too late ♪

♪ To stop myself from falling ♪

♪ I took a chance ♪

♪ And changed your way of life ♪

♪ But you misread ♪

♪ My meaning when I met you ♪

♪ Closed the door ♪

♪ And left me blinded by the light ♪

♪ Don't let the sun go down on me ♪

♪ Don't let the sun ♪

♪ Although I search myself ♪

♪ It's always someone else I see ♪

♪ I'd just allow a fragment of your life ♪

♪ To wander free ♪

♪ But losing everything ♪

♪ Is like the sun going down on me ♪