Original subtitles

TED: Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments.

And they make life worth living

But here's the problem:

moments pass, and lurking just around the corner

from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard

named reality.

And so, back in 2006,

on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding,

reality was the enemy.

Wow.

The Peace Corps?

Yeah. I ship out tomorrow... two years.

You know, some people say the Peace Corps is

the most noble thing a person can do.

To those people, I say, "Is it?"

And usually they say, "Yes, it is."

Barney, they are so right.

I wish there was something I could do.

Oh, Tanya... I'm so glad you said that.

This wasn't how I'd thought

the night would turn out.

This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin.

But then reality came along.

Robin got called up last-minute to anchor the 11:00 news.

It was her big break.

And I went to the wedding stag.

Then, when I least expected it...

LILY: Hey, where the hell did you

disappear to last night?

I had the most amazing night ever.

Tell me about it. That cake.

Best cake I ever had. Seriously.

My stomach was, like, "Hey, bro,

"I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any eyes,

but it's basically awesome, so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

LILY: Yeah, I know.

My stomach was, like, "Girlfriend,

we don't always get along, but that cake..."

Lily.

Oh, right.

"Most amazing night ever," and go.

You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.

I never hook up at weddings.

I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.

Well, here's the thing, those big romantic moments,

they're great when they happen, but they're not real.

Exactly, exactly... like-like just now,

when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there,

I'm not gonna lie to you, big-time thunderbolt.

Mm. You should see me tap-dance.

You'd be down on bended knee.

Sadly not out of character.

But I know now it's just a mirage.

Wedding goggles.

Exactly. And that, in a nutshell,

is why I'm not putting the moves on you.

This isn't the moves?

What, you... you think this is the moves?

Believe me, you'd know the moves.

People ten tables away would know the moves.

(groans): Oh, that's too bad.

Tell me about it.

You know, I think...

I have a solution.

Interested.

And to preface this,

we're not gonna sleep together tonight.

Less interested.

(laughs)

Go ahead. Okay.

So the thing that always screws it up is the next day.

Right? So...

Why don't we just cut that part out?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, I'm here; you're here;

this is a big romantic wedding.

Why don't we just dance

and have a great time,

and then when it's over, never see each other again.

Unless...

No. No unless.

No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names.

Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished.

And then...

when we're old and gray,

we'll look back on this night and it'll be perfect.

(whispers): Wow.

Okay, I'm in.

Okay. I guess, uh,

what, we'll need fake names?

Um... you can call me Buttercup.

Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.

I'm... Lando Calrissian.

Wow, this is kind of exciting.

Our names will forever be shrouded... Ted, Ted, Ted.

Look, I got a bridesmaid.

Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid.

Ted, look. See ya, Ted.

So, I'm Ted.

Victoria.

But no last names.

No last names.

(groans) Oh, what is wrong with you?

Dude, that is just, like...

a weenie-ass idea.

No, it was awesome: I had a great night,

I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it.

Ted, how do I explain this to you?

Last night I ate the best cake of my life.

Now, you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life?

Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake,

and then I'm gonna get some more cake.

That cake really got to you, huh?

It haunts me.

So, what happened next?

Okay.

Ground rules have been established. Mm-hmm.

Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's do all the single ladies in this joint

a big favor and steal the bouquet.

Yes, but we'll need... a diversion.

(clinking glass) Kiss!

OTHERS: Kiss! Kiss, come on!

OTHERS (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

So that's what happened to the bouquet.

You know, good for Victoria.

It's such an evil tradition.

You're not gonna do it at your wedding?

Hell, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower-grenade

and chuck it into the crowd

and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!"

That's just what girls do.

So, where'd you guys go?

(piano rag playing)

(music ends)

Very nice.

Yeah?

Okay, I don't really know how to tap-dance. I couldn't tell.

Really. (laughs)

Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight.

Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some. No, you couldn't.

You're a dude. I could get some.

You could totally get some.

We're not gonna kiss tonight.

(bangs piano keys)

If-if we kiss, all of this becomes real.

You-you might use too much tongue.

I might not use enough.

And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.

I will use

exactly the right amount of tongue.

Okay, how about this?

The best part of any first kiss

is the lead-up to it.

The moment right before the lips touch.

It's like a big drumroll.

So...

how about tonight, we just stick with the drumroll?

Okay.

But we can't kiss.

Okay.

MARSHALL: A drumroll?

That's it?

So, what, you just...

you said good night, came home and...

performed a drum solo?

Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!

I mean, this girl sounds amazing.

She was completely amazing.

She was amazing and funny,

and we connected on every level,

and I'm never gonna see her again.

Damn it, I have to see her again!

Yes! Yes!

So let's get to work, man.

What else do you know about her?

Nothing. Her name's Victoria... that's all I got.

Wait, Claudia,

Claudia would know.

Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon.

She'll be back in two weeks. Call her then.

Yes, two weeks. Good idea.

I'm calling her now.

No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon.

Yeah, come on, dude.

Ask her about the cake.

(phone rings)

Ted?

Hey, Claudia!

Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff.

How's the honeymoon?

Listen, I'm calling because last night

I met this girl, and I was wondering if you had...

Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!

Aw, here we go.

24 hours ago,

you were begging... begging me

to bring some other girl to my wedding,

and now, well, uh, you're over her?

I've moved on?

What was her name? Is it my fat cousin Lindsay?

Don't be embarrassed. She has pretty eyes.

Uh, no. Her name was Victoria.

I don't know her last name.

Well, lucky for you,

I know that guest list backwards and forwards.

(exhales): Thank God.

Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding.

Good-bye, Ted.

There was no Victoria at the wedding.

Maybe she used a second fake name.

Oh, she's good. She's very good.

Maybe she was ghost.

That's why she didn't want

to kiss you... because you'd just

pass right through her and feel really cold for a second.

Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.

Marshall... she was not a ghost!

I know that she wasn't a ghost.

She picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form.

Wait-wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids.

She must've been at their table. Maybe they know who she was.

Great. So how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?

(cell phone vibrates)

This better be good. I am about to enter Nirvana.

By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number.

She gives a great massage. Say what?! Barney!

Ow!

I know the house rules. Es un chiste!

Listen, Barney, I saw you talking

to that bridesmaid last night.

Did you happen to get her phone number?

You know I did.

Great! Um, I'm gonna need you to call her for me.

You know I won't.

Why not?

Because we just hooked up last night.

I can't call the girl the next day.

I have to wait at least, like... forever.

Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.

Besides, she thinks

I'm on my way to India.

Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause.

Uh, Ted going all castrati over yet another girl

is exactly not a good cause.

Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you. My hands are tied.

Oh, no, wait. That was last night. (imitates whip cracking)

Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

You make this call and I will go with you

to Foxy Boxing.

Really?

Yeah.

But you always said the Foxy Boxing girls

were neither foxy nor good at boxing.

I'm ready to be proven wrong.

Tonight?

Tonight.

(whispers): Dial.

Yeah, Tanya, turns out

I don't leave for the Peace Corps till tomorrow.

Yeah, I know.

It sucks. Just one fewer day I get to help people.

Anyway, this girl... any idea who she was?

Hold on.

What kind of shoes was sh...

No, Tanya, he's a dude.

He's not going to know what kind of shoes she was wearing.

Actually...

Oh, come on.

Hey!

Ooh!

So what do you want to do next? Uh...

Don't think. First thing that comes into your mind.

Uh...

Hold... this...

and this...

Whoa!

There she goes.

Apparently she was wearing brown shoes...

...with little snowflakes on them.

Yeah, they do sound cute.

Any idea

who...?

Okay. Well, thanks anyway.

Yeah, you take ca...

What's...?

Tonight?

Well, I'm shipping out pretty early,

so I won't be able to stay over,

but, yeah, sure, I'd love to.

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight.

I understand.

Okay, uh, let's not lose hope.

We'll call the hotel.

Maybe she was staying there.

We'll have them check the registry

for anyone named Victoria.

Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori...

Or Ictor.

She probably doesn't go by "Ictor."

No, you know what?

This is fate.

I am never supposed to see this girl again.

That was the whole point of the night.

I have just been saved from myself.

Let's drink many beers.

Agreed.

And I thought that was the end of it.

But then...

(knocking)

Hey! There's the anchor lady!

Oh!

How was it?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor?

Robin? Thanks, Robin!

It was awesome. Back to you, Robin.

Congrats! That's so cool!

Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted, though.

Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...

And then Lily told her the whole story,

right down to the brown shoes

with the little snowflakes on them.

And by the end of it...

What?

I know who she is.

You know who she is?

But you weren't even at the wedding.

Actually, I kind of... was.

What?

Well, after the newscast, I was so excited

I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception.

(sobs): Oh, damn it!

Oh, stop it!

(door opens) What the hell!

Hello?

You okay in there?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...

Just allergies or something.

I'm fine.

Listen, do you... want to come and cry out here?

I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.

Oh, thanks.

Um, but I don't actually cry in front of people

or... cry at all, for that matter.

Oh, man, it's gross.

Does everyone snot up this much when they cry?

Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.

(sobbing chuckle)

So, why are you crying?

Because you have feelings for Ted.

I don't know. Maybe?

Okay, what is wrong with the two of you!

Seriously!

He likes you and you like him.

(stammers): And j-j-just be together!

Cheese Louise!

Happiness is not that difficult!

Look, okay, yes.

I cried in the bathroom

and that... was weird.

but that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.

The fact is,

I-I don't know how I feel.

Yes, you do!

Seeing him with someone else and crying about it?

Guess what? That's how you feel.

That is nothing but how you feel.

Okay, fine. I have feelings for him.

Happy?

Kinda, yeah.

But it doesn't change anything.

I still don't want to get married

and he's still... Ted.

What I should do is

just tell him who Victoria is so he can be happy.

Or you could tell him that you're into him

and then you could both be happy.

I'm going to go find him.

Well, wait.

Which one are you going to tell him?

I have no idea.

And here's the most amazing part:

because I told her I'd converted all my money

to India dollars, she gave me 50 bucks

to take a cab to the airport.

That's right. I just got paid for sex.

I really should give this money

to the Peace Corps.

They've done so much for me lately.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Yeah, sure.

What's up?

(phone rings)

Um... I, uh, I have to tell you something.

Oh...

Oh, just get it.

Hello?

Ted? It's Stuart.

My lovely bride would like to say something to you.

(clears throat)

Ted...

I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.

My new husband,

and the vodka cranberry,

which cost $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar...

When is this plane going to board?!

Sweet pea?

(clears throat, chuckles)

...have helped me realize

that sometimes I can act like a crazy person,

and I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person.

It's fine, Claudia. Don't worry about it.

(mouths) Oh, um,

Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.

The cake?

VICTORIA: Why don't you take this?

Sounds like you could use it.

Thanks. (sniffles)

You're very sweet.

So are you a friend

of the bride or groom?

We got it at this little bakery downtown.

Actually neither.

It's called the Buttercup Bakery.

Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.

I made the cake.

She made the cake.

The Buttercup Bakery.

She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest.

She made the cake.

She made that cake?

Ted, this is the girl.

You got to marry her.

Today. She has to move in with us.

I'm going down to that bakery.

No, no. Don't do it.

Baby, what are you talking about?!

Yeah, all day long you been busting my apple-bag

about finding this girl.

Well, I-I just think that...

that maybe she's not that into you.

And-and that's why she didn't give you her number.

Robin?

Care to chime in with anything?

Yes. Ted...

Go get her.

Going.

Getting. Ted, oh, my, gosh, I love this moment.

You know why? 'Cause I'm going to say it,

and this time, you're actually going to say yes.

You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up.

Yes! (laughs)

No. Oh, come on!

Whoa. Guess we were gone a while.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was looking forward to one last dance.

(gentle melody plays)

Why, yes, I am.

Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.

Wow, what was I just thinking?

"Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux."

(laughs) You got me. Yeah.

You are good. Mm.

You know, I don't look like this every day.

On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans

and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it.

Mm. The real Ted sounds real sexy.

Too bad I'll never get to see it.

(gentle melody continues)

Buttercup Bakery. This is it.

Good luck, dude.

Grab me a cupcake.

Ted? You still with us?

(gentle melody continues)

Tell me your last name.

You know there's one little flaw in our plan.

What's that?

I'm going to go home tonight with a lot of great memories

and one really sucky memory.

The memory of you walking out that door.

Hey, Ted.

Yeah?

Close your eyes...

and count to five.

One...

two...

three...

four...

five.

(sighs heavily)

TED: And to our dying days

we'll remember everything about that night as perfect.

Maybe we both need that.

I mean, so many things go wrong in life

but this is the one thing that never will.

It will always...

always be pure unadulterated awesome.

And if I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us...

The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

Oh, thank God.

* Whenever it's real *

* Whatever awaits. *