Original subtitles

[SONG PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

What the hell?

Man, they forgot my pico de gallo.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, love the shirt, Jake.

Lilith Fair '98 had the best lineup.

Meshell Ndegeocello crushed it that year.

Thank you, Boyle, but this is not my shirt.

I slept at Amy's, and I spilled ranch dressing on mine.

Don't you have a drawer full of clothes at her place by this point?

Yeah, I spilled ranch dressing all over the drawer.

What's so hard to understand about this, guys?

Why don't you two move in together already?

I thought you were planning to. We are.

We just haven't decided

whose apartment we're going to live in.

I think Jake should move into mine,

because it's bigger, nicer, and isn't covered in black mold.

"Black" mold, Amy? Not cool.

Right, Terry? What?

I rest my case.

Besides, my place is cheaper and it's in a cooler neighborhood.

Yeah. That neighborhood is technically called Cobblestink.

All right, everyone. Listen up.

We have a situation.

Ten minutes ago, a prison van overturned on Nevins Street.

It was carrying nine convicts who are now at large.

It's our job to bring them in.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a manhunt.

[GASPS] A manhunt.

Okay, what I want from each and every one of you

is a hard-target search

of every gas station, residence,

warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse,

outhouse, and doghouse in the area.

Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble.

There must be some sort of error.

There are nine fugitives,

and none of them are named Kimble.

I didn't kill my wife! What?

No, you're supposed to go, "I don't care!"

I don't care. Let the manhunt begin.

Patrol officers have secured a 10-block perimeter.

All civilians are being evacuated.

Here's what the convicts were in for,

arson, kidnapping, racketeering,

assault and battery, forgery and counterfeiting,

triple homicide.

Whoo!

What? I'm not excited about the murders.

I'm excited about the chance to avenge them.

You guys are the weird ones. [SNORTS]

Diaz, I want you here with me interviewing witnesses.

The rest of you will search the secured area in the following teams.

Santiago, Boyle. Jeffords and Peralta. Get to work.

Okay. We'll start south of Nevins.

You two start at Bond, and we'll rendezvous in the middle,

assuming, of course, Boyle and I

haven't already caught all the fugitives by the time you two show up.

Amy, there are nine hardened criminals running free in the streets.

This is hardly the time for childish trash talk.

It's time for a bet.

A crazy-ass bet. What are you thinking?

Whoever catches the most fugitives gets to keep their apartment.

Loser moves in with the winner.

All right. I'm in.

I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a thousand pillows.

Well, I hope you like sharing my one gray towel.

Was it gray when you bought it? I didn't buy it.

It was in the apartment when I moved in.

Are you sure you don't want to just move in with me?

We already shook on it. The bet stands.

Prepare to die, and by "die," I mean move in with me. Here we go.

Uh, I get that the streets are empty, but slow down, man.

Terry forgot his Dramamine.

Stakes are high, Sarge.

I know it doesn't matter to you,

but I really want to beat Amy.

"Doesn't matter"? Look, I am completely on board.

You need your own space.

I had a painting studio in my apartment.

Was this in the '90s?

Did you wear overalls and no shirt?

Every chance I got. [GASPS]

But then I moved in with Sharon, and then the kids came along.

You know where I have to paint now?

My acrylics!

I am not going to let you lose this bet.

The march toward the closet starts with a single step.

Cool. So, basically just telling me

not to get married and have kids.

Anything from dispatch?

Security footage from a bank near the accident.

Two fugitives ran past going north toward Flatbush.

Looks like the arsonist and the gunrunner.

Let's go after the arsonist first.

I thought of the perfect thing to say when we catch him

that no one else could ever possibly.. . "You're burned"?

No.

Initial reports had one of the fugitives

heading south on Lincoln Place.

On it.

So, I know you're Jake's best friend, and…

Did he say that? Did you get that on tape?

No. No, he didn't say that,

or no, you didn't get it on tape?

Doesn't matter. Either way, you screwed up big time.

Anyway, all I'm saying is I know you're Jake's best friend

and you really want him to win this bet.

Are you kidding? That's the last thing I want.

Jake moving in with you is my dream come true.

Your apartment is two blocks away from mine.

Jake will be able to pop by any time.

[GASPS] Imagine it.

He's had a tough day. He's fighting with Amy.

You know how you let things escalate.

So, he just walks over to my place, bottle of wine in hand,

and we just talk it out.

And then by the time that bottle's finished,

you've come to your senses and apologized.

Maybe I don't want to win this bet.

Okay, we need to figure out

whether this crash was an accident

or part of a deliberate escape plan.

Gina, I need you manning the tip line.

[LAUGHS] Good luck talking to the crazies.

"Crazies"?

Oh, Rosa. Sad Rosa.

Have some respect for your fellow human beings.

What has gotten into you?

Solange just posted a video of a Kenyan human rights activist, Abdala,

and I realized he and I are the only two people

that can save the world.

I'm so excited.

Okay, Diaz, there were only two witnesses

who were close enough to the crash to see something.

One's on his way here already. His name is Marshawn Lynch.

[GASPS] Marshawn Lynch? Marshawn Lynch the football player?

I don't know his hobbies. It just says here he's unemployed.

Retired.

We're not getting anything out of him.

He's always getting fined for refusing to talk to the press. [CHUCKLES]

He's kind of one of my heroes.

Well, it may be tough, and it may take a while,

but I'm sure we'll get him to open up.

Sir, there are some vaults you just can't open.

I ain't seen anything.

I was eating my quesadilla.

It was a good one. Chicken, cheese, guac.

But they forgot my pico de gallo.

I remember when I was a little boy,

my mama used to make this, uh… She used to call it "fo' cheese."

What y'all call it? Y'all call it "four"?

How come they never make quesadillas with sausage?

You throw some tomato sauce in there

and call it a pizza-dilla. What you think?

What is going on?

This one time, I tried to wait up all night to catch Santa Claus, right?

You know how they tell you you got to put the cookies and the milk out?

I don't really be telling nobody this,

but I like to sleep with the fan on,

even when it's chilly outside.

All about that white noise, baby.

Stop. Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch.

Did you see anything after the van crashed,

yes or no?

Nope. Like I told you, I was just eating my quesadilla.

Have I talked to y'all about my pizza-dilla invention?

Yes, well, um, I have other matters to attend to.

So, Detective Diaz,

um, just take down everything Mr. Lynch has to say.

-Captain… -[DOOR CLOSES]

Do you think he'll let me shoot his gun?

Jake, look.

You think it's our guys?

Maybe. But this is New York,

so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."

NYPD! Freeze! Freeze!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the precinct escaped convict number one!

Terry, where's the music? That was the cue.

I didn't have that Queen song on my phone.

And I wasn't going to pay $1.99 for it.

Nice work, man. You can put your perp in holding

with the other three convicts.

Wait. Other three?

HOLT: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.

SANTIAGO: That's right. It's three to one.

Guess you won't be needing this anymore

since you'll be moving in with me.

My towel. Yeah, your towel.

Why won't it burn?

Because it never fully dries.

The towel lives, and so do we!

Santiago, how did you guys catch three perps so quickly?

They weren't even close to each other.

Given the magnitude of the situation,

we were given full access to any and all department resources.

That's right.

We took a little trip down to the tactical supply armory.

No, you did not!

Thermal imaging, baby.

Thermal imaging baby?

Very handy in fugitive hunting.

Also…

I got this Flo-Tech performance polo

with moisture-wicking technology.

Kept me dry all morning.

And a dry boy is a smart boy.

Ugh! He keeps saying that.

Charles, you've gotten negative reactions from everyone who's heard it.

I needed to see what Jake thought. Oh, I hated it.

Really?

Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts.

Two more, and we win.

Huh, just two? Pfft.

No sweat. Literally.

Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.

These lil' ol' things?

[IMITATES STEAM HISSING]

What? Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I was wondering if you could answer some questions

about that car accident you witnessed this morning.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

What's she trying to tell us? I don't know.

Probably "Never meet your heroes,

"'cause they're going to turn out to be friendly."

You need to get over this Marshawn Lynch situation real quick.

Now, we just have to figure out what language she's speaking

so we can find a translator.

Uh, here, ma'am.

Take a look at this map of the world.

You just keep one of those on you?

Of course, in case I ever need to prove my point in an argument.

Laos. Fine!

Oh, it was better than fine.

It was Laos.

Mmm. So, where are you from?

Uh, where did you grow up?

Where were you born?

What are you miming there, sir?

A child tying his tie. Uh-huh.

I… I'm trying to do a simple Half Windsor so she knows I'm a baby.

Look at this. See how basic this knot is?

I love these thermal goggles.

Amy, listen to me very carefully.

If you and Jake are thinking of trying,

you are ovulating like crazy right now.

You take that helmet off before I knock it off.

What? Your basal temperature is off the charts.

This is a good thing.

Boyle.

NYPD! Get down!

No! Freeze!

BOYLE: Ah! The room's hot. I'm blowing out.

This way. Come on.

Oh, come on! Where did you guys even come from?

-[HORN HONKS] -Your nightmares.

Hey, Amy, allow me to introduce you to Big Bertha.

Okay, I guess I'm not worth introducing to your truck.

That's right, y'all. We went to Homeland Security.

Yep, this beauty comes fully equipped

with thermal imaging, a satellite link-up,

and she plugs in to every surveillance camera in the city.

And she's also got a holding cell,

which is big enough for three perps.

Jake, counting this guy, how many perps have we caught

and placed in the three-perp perp cell?

Well, Sarge, we've placed three perps in the three-perp perp cell.

So, the three-perp perp cell's full? Full of three perps is the…

Okay, stop saying "perps" and "cell" and "three."

You sound irritated. What's the score now?

Are you guys still ahead? Let me just check.

Oh, drone! Little help?

-[DRONE WHIRRING] -Ah!

Yeah, I can't read that score. What does it say?

Anyways, I'm sure you're tracking

whatever the score is.

All right, thank you, drone. That'll be all.

Whoop! Didn't see the tree there.

Big Bertha has a drone. That's what's important.

What are you trying to tell us?

Is this some kind of a clue?

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Draw better. We have no idea what this is.

I think it's a cookie.

-No. It's a pizza. -[BOTH GASP]

It's a cookie pizza! It's a cookie pizza!

HITCHCOCK: Another case solved.

No. Detectives, we… Shh.

Let them go.

She's taking us somewhere.

This is good. This is good!

We're going to crack this, Diaz.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Nope. She just needed to take a dump.

PERALTA: Okay, satellite images showed

one of the two remaining convicts entered this building.

If we catch him, that's five. I win the bet.

Amy moves in with me. I lord it over her.

She's miserable. We live happily ever after. It's foolproof.

There's got to be 30 floors in this building.

It'll take forever to sweep the whole place.

Nuh-uh. We can use Big Bertha to tap into the security cameras.

-Ah. -[BEEPING]

[CHUCKLING] Whoa! Wow!

Okay. This room is clear, but check that closet.

Man, this is like playing the coolest video game ever.

My character is Terry.

It's locked. Ooh, kick it down.

Front kick! Front kick!

All clear. Now strafe. Strafe!

I don't know what that means.

Barrel roll. Duck. Duck?

Just tell me where to go, man.

Wait a minute. Slide one of your feet forward.

Now switch.

Now punch both your fists forward at the same time.

Are you making me do the running man?

Yeah, the original one!

Excluding the movie. And Stephen King's classic short story.

So, the third iteration.

I'm going off on my own.

He has sentience. It's Westworld.

Oh, wait a minute, Sarge. I don't have eyes on that room.

Hang on. I'll find it.

Oh, no. Sarge, just hang on. I'm coming for you.

Drop the weapon.

You drop your weapon.

Okay, stay cool.

We can work this out. I'm a trained hostage negotiator.

I got my friend's sperm back from his ex-wife last year.

Well, she destroyed half of it,

and he decided to adopt, but…

Peralta. Right. Sorry.

What do you want?

You let me walk out of this building and get into a car.

If anyone tries to stop… [GRUNTS] Got him.

Well, what do you know, I believe that makes it four to four.

No. No! You don't get credit for this guy.

I was in the middle of negotiating,

and he was about to give up. Tell him, guy.

No, I was probably going to kill him, then let you kill me.

Oh, my God. Oh, I should've been way more scared.

Well, there's just one convict left.

Whoever finds him wins.

Yeah. I guess you could say he's…

The Golden Snitch.

Wait. Was that a Harry Potter reference?

It most definitely was. I started reading them 'cause you love them so much.

And? You were right. They're incredible.

Remember when I called in sick the other day?

I was at home reading Order of the Phoenix.

[GASPS] This makes me so happy!

How sad is it when Cedric dies?

I was crushed. Literally crying on the toilet.

[SIGHS] Guys. The fugitive. The bet?

Right.

I'm going to catch this last fugitive, win the bet,

and then we're going to live together

for the rest of our relationship.

Just you and me and towel makes three.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Just so you know, at the end of the sixth book, Snape kills…

La-la-la-la!

No spoilies! Terry, let's go.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

That really sounds Slavic.

Does anyone here know any Slavic languages?

Oh, I'm great at languages. Watch this.

Hello! I am Hitchcock!

Thank you for the cookie-pizza idea!

I believe it was human rights leader Abdala who once said,

"When the choir shouts the loudest,

"the most powerful one is silent."

That doesn't even make any sense.

Well, I might have paraphrased it incorrectly.

But allow me to introduce to you Rob. Rob, come on in.

He called the tip line.

But he's so… Not crazy-looking.

Rosa, have Abdala and I taught you nothing about stereotyping?

I'm beginning to feel like you're our biggest project, sweetie.

Enough. What did he tell you?

Well, let's find out, okay? Together.

Rob, do you want to share your experience with the group?

Gladly.

Okay, so, you know how there's a subterranean race

of lizard-people living beneath the city

who control our minds with their pheromones?

Okay, he's a wackadoodle. Gina, get your wackadoodle out of here.

JEFFORDS: It's been two hours, and nothing on the last guy.

He's going to get away.

Where are you, number nine?

Think.

If I was an escaped murderer, where would I hide? [GASPS]

Where? Oh, I have no idea.

I just thought if I gasped I could force an epiphany. And I did.

No, that didn't work either. Or did it? Still no.

Unless… Stop it, Jake!

Well, Marshawn Lynch will not leave your office.

He has now pulled up one of those wedding proposal

viral videos on his phone and is crying.

What did I do to deserve this?

Well, I haven't fared any better.

She keeps drawing her stupid circle pictures

and then running off to the bathroom.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

We get it. You have a bum-tum. Yes.

Ugh! You think you guys have it rough?

I've been stuck here listening to crazy Rob spew his insane garbage.

What happened to your positive attitude, Abdala?

Don't even say the name, all right?

I tweeted him and got nothing.

Meanwhile, Rob tweets him some crap about lizard-people,

he's like, "Ooh, retweet, ooh, fave," everything.

ROB: I just told him I saw one of them

slip back into his lizard home under the streets.

That's where they make their soup.

Oh, my God. He's onto something.

Captain, don't try to be nice by giving a crazy person a voice.

Plus, we've already learned that human rights are crap.

No, he said that the lizard-people live under the streets.

He means the sewers.

He saw someone go from the van into the sewers.

Look.

It's a manhole cover.

[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

HOLT [OVER RADIO]: Peralta, Santiago?

Yeah, we're here. Us, too, Captain.

We have a lead. One of our witnesses saw the last convict,

George Gessilnick, the murderer,

go down into a manhole

and escape into the sewer near the crash site.

Copy that. We're on it.

Yeah, so are we. We're also on it.

-[TIRES SCREECHING] -[TIRES SCREECHING]

-JEFFORDS: What… -[PERALTA CHUCKLES]

Back it up a little bit.

[REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING]

Forward.

-Back. -[REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING]

Forward.

-Back. -[REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING]

Forward.

-Back. -[REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING]

Forward.

And we're good to go!

Whoa! Almost clipped the mailbox.

[CHUCKLES] Close call.

Oh, please let this muck be water, please let this muck be water.

I won't be able to hug Nikolaj for a month.

He doesn't have all his shots yet.

[SHUSHING]

I think I heard something.

PERALTA: I can't believe Leonardo lived in this.

I mean, Michelangelo I get. He's kind of a sloppy dude.

But Leo is so fastidious. Jake, shut up.

Sarge, we're in a sewer. I'm goin'st to talk about the Turtles.

No, Jake. Shut up. I hear something.

PERALTA: NYPD! Freeze!

NYPD! Keep your hands where we can see them.

BOTH: You have the right to remain silent.

BOTH: Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.

BOTH: You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

Why did you stop?

I'm done. You win.

What? I love you.

I want to move in to your apartment. Really?

I love you, too.

Oh, my God, what a beautiful moment.

And, you guys, Amy's ovulating as we speak!

PERALTA: What? Charles!

All right, head to the back. You're going to jail.

-[SIGHS] -SANTIAGO: Hey.

I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?

I don't know…

When we were back there racing through the Miranda rights,

I just looked over at you and thought,

you're awesome, and you're good at doing things.

I mean, sure, I'll miss towel,

but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.

Are you sure about this? Oh, yeah.

Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable.

You know what my first thought was

when we dropped into the sewer?

Smells like home.

-Oh. -JEFFORDS: He's lying, Amy.

His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.

Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer.

He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.

Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry.

Quit being such a Malfoy. Yeah, Terry.

Guys, we have a problem.

He's not our convict.

What? The guy in the orange jumpsuit

that we found hiding in the sewer is not our convict?

He's our van driver.

A man came to me last week.

He told me I had to help Gessilnick escape from jail.

He had pictures of my family. He said he'd kill them if I didn't help.

So, I crashed the van, and Gessilnick took my clothes.

But then where's the guy we thought was the van driver?

He vanished.

George Gessilnick, posing as a Department of Corrections driver,

was taken to the hospital, where he escaped some hours later.

He's highly dangerous, probably armed, and could be anywhere.

Detective Diaz has some background information

to help in the search.

So, this is one scary dude.

We don't have a complete rap sheet on him

because he's had so many aliases,

but we know he's killed at least five people.

He's been in the system since he was 11.

That's when he stole $4,000 from his foster family

and burned their house down.

Wait a minute. This is the foster family?

Yeah. Why? Did you see who the brother is?

I need to get a message to somebody.

This is very important. Tell him Jake Peralta wants to see him.

I'm not after him. I just need his help.

Hello?

I followed all your rules.

I'm unarmed. I'm not wearing a wire.

I came alone. There's no backup.

Come on, man. I need your help to take down your brother.

Doug Judy. The Pontiac Bandit.

What's up, man?