Original subtitles

Hey there, Boyle. How was your weekend?

Well, actually I got a little sick.

Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Yeah, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV.

And I came down with a big ol' Dianne Wiest infection.

Like "yeast"!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

So, I'll coordinate with the transit cops,

-while you follow up with the DA's office… -[CHAIR SCRAPING]

Uh, can I help you, Captain Stentley?

Oh, hey, uh, did you guys see a black backpack sitting around anywhere?

I did not. No.

Oh, shoot, this is turning out to be a real cluster-biff.

Why? What's in the backpack?

Oh, just some evidence. Do you guys know a drug dealer named Flaco?

Oh, yeah, he's a big-time supplier.

Consolidated half the territory in Brooklyn.

Well, the bag belongs to one of his runners,

and it contains, like, a football's worth of cocaine.

I'm not good with sizes. And a cell phone.

You think that the cell phone

might have intel that could lead us to Flaco.

I do now. That's a great theory! Whoa!

But the bag is missing, so…

Hey, how big of a deal is it if I, um, never find it?

I'd say it's a very… Uh, hup, hup!

Sugar-coat it for me.

Okay, uh, no biggie.

Ah! That is great news. Thank you so much.

Hey, if you see something, say something.

Oh, that is catchy, huh?

[CHUCKLES] It's like I just made up a hit song.

No, very common police expression.

♪ If you see somethin', say somethin' ♪

♪ Come on and party tonight ♪

[IMITATES GUNSHOT] [LAUGHING]

This is our chance.

If C.J. can't find that evidence, he could be fired.

This could be our way back onto the day shift.

♪ Come on and party tonight ♪

Whoo! It's actually a really catchy song.

There's nothing to celebrate.

Captain Stentley is going to find that evidence

because we're going to help him.

What? No. This is our chance to undermine him.

Come on and party tonight!

Peralta, we're police officers.

We have a duty to protect this city.

We took an oath, a sacred oath.

What if those drugs end up on the street?

Or a dangerous criminal is set free because of missing evidence?

[SIGHS] Okay, you know, you're trying to say it's whatever

because you just… [MUMBLING]

You're fumfering. Of course, I'm fumfering.

Fine, we'll find the bag. Come on and party tonight. Damn it.

Hey, guys, department has a new green initiative.

We have to reduce energy usage by 15%.

That means no more laminating, Santiago.

Oh, that's fine.

It's not the thing that gives me the most pleasure in life.

Interacting with other people, that's what gets me going.

Scully, Hitchcock, lose the chocolate fountain.

What are we supposed to dip our strawberries in?

-Our nacho cheese fountain? That's crazy. -HITCHCOCK: Unless…

Sarge, you beautiful bastard.

Get rid of them!

And, Gina, you can't run that space heater 24/7 anymore.

[SCOFFING] "Space heater"?

Excuse me, this is a Fornax Radiant Comfort System,

and her name is Jacinta.

Okay, well, Jacinta's gotta go.

He didn't mean that, darling.

Seriously, turn off the space heater. No.

Do it, now. That's an order.

Yeah, well, you don't want to start

a battle of the wills with Gina Linetti

because you will emerge from that battle a broken man.

Not to brag, but I was name-checked

in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.

Oh, my God.

Any luck finding the missing backpack?

No, but I did find C.J.'s wallet, badge,

and gun on top of the toilet paper dispenser.

I'm assuming he doesn't know they're missing.

Mmm. Why are you helping this guy, sir?

He's the opposite of everything you stand for.

His favorite expression is, "That's going to leave a mark,"

and he doesn't even use it right.

Whoo! That soup is good.

That's going to leave a mark. What?

Well, he's not our best,

but I won't be part of any sneaky subterfuge designed to undermine him.

You think you're so great just 'cause you always do what's good and right.

Well, I've got news for you, you're boring.

You know who else was called boring?

Andreas Marggraf.

And you know what he did? He discovered zinc,

because you've used that one on me before, because you're boring.

Well, if I'm so boring, how come I have a lead?

Come take a look at this.

This is security footage from the day the backpack went missing.

11 a.m., the bag's over a chair.

Now, let's fast-forward and see what happened to it.

Wait, that was two hours? Where's C.J. during all this?

♪ You have the right to remain silent ♪

-♪ Come on and party tonight ♪ -PERALTA: Party tonight

The guy's got good hooks. [CHUCKLING] I mean, right?

Wait, who's this guy?

Flaco must've sent someone to get the backpack,

and they just waltzed right in

and took it out of the precinct.

Oh, C.J. is in so much trouble.

You think that disapproving glare works on me

after all the times I've seen it?

Step it up, find something new, you're boring.

'Ello, me lady. It's your matey lil' Charlie Boyle, innit, love?

Ugh, It's 2 a.m., and we're working. How can you be so happy?

Because I figured out the secret of surviving the night shift.

You see, this little piggy went to the warehouse.

This little piggy went with him.

This little piggy was like… Stop, just stop

and say whatever you are saying another way.

I found a 24-hour foot massage parlor, and it's amazing.

It's the best experience you've ever had. You're just like…

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

Ah! Why?

Wouldn't stop making that noise, man.

Let me take you.

Let me show you the greatest and only pleasure of the night shift.

Pass. I'd rather die than have a stranger touch my bare feet.

I'm telling you, once they get their strong fingers

in your toe gaps, it's just…

[MOANING]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS] That's on me. Shouldn't have had my eyes closed.

[SIGHS] Hey, C.J. , you upset about something, man?

Maybe something in your career?

Yeah, I told the brass that I lost the bag

and I screwed up the whole Flaco case,

and you were wrong, it was a biggie.

Yeah, well, you told me to sugar-coat it.

And whose fault is that, Jake? Yours.

I know.

Okay, so, what happened?

I mean, they couldn't have fired you, right?

[LAUGHING] That'd be crazy. I mean, they could.

For sure, they had every reason to, but did they?

Did they fire you? Worse.

They're pulling my transfer. What transfer, what now?

Oh, I've just been feeling overwhelmed with this job.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm a little in over my head.

Completely unqualified, yeah.

It is so cool that you get me. Yeah.

Anyway, I heard that they were hiring

a head administrator at the Police Academy,

so I put in for it.

Wait, you want to train other officers?

Well, the nine years at the Academy

were some of the best years of my life.

That's a six-month program.

Sure, for a lot of people.

Anyway, they said that the job was mine,

and now, they're pissed, so it looks like I'm stuck here forever.

No, no, no, no. All is not lost. We can still fix this.

So, sure, maybe you can't get back the backpack,

but you could do something even better.

Like, what if you single-handedly figure out who Flaco is

and then you take him down.

Oh, come on, Jake.

I'll just screw it up like I screw up everything else.

No, you won't, because I will be there to help you.

But don't worry, you'll still get all the credit.

Listen to me, C.J., we're going to get you the hell out of here.

Are you sugar-coating this for me?

I most certainly am not.

Whoo!

That's going to leave a mark.

Ah!

So, Captain, I've been thinking about this whole missing-backpack thing,

and what if we find Flaco and take him down?

Oh, are you trying to solve C.J.'s case behind his back to embarrass him?

No, not at all. In fact, I think C.J. should come along.

I just realized how important my duty

as a police officer is to me, you know?

The sacred oath I took. Your speech really inspired me.

Well, it was one of my better ones.

Felt really good as I was saying it. Yeah.

So, what's the plan, son?

Well, Dad, we don't know where Flaco is,

but I have a CI

who says he's got an agreement with Marco Severino.

So, you think we should pose as drug dealers

looking for a new heroin supplier,

and get Severino to hook us up with Flaco?

And you think C.J. can handle this mission.

I know he's inexperienced, but he's a creative guy.

I think he'd be great undercover.

Okay, muchachos, let's roll up on these muchachos.

Great start, and I love your double use of "muchachos."

[CHUCKLES] Hey, it's C.J., by the way.

-Ooh! -[LAMINATOR WHIRRING]

That's a nice I am job. This one goes on the blog.

-[CAMERA CLICKS] -[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Sarge, what up, bro? "What up, bro?"

You're laminating in here, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I just love it so much.

It's okay, I'm used to it. No one listens to me. I'm a lousy sergeant.

What? No, don't say that. Why would you say that?

If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone else?

Of course.

You know how I took the lieutenant's exam last week?

Uh-huh. I just found out I didn't pass.

Oh, no. [SIGHS] But you shouldn't feel bad.

Only, like, 10% of people pass on the first try.

I know, and I'm all exhausted because of the night shift.

Plus, my bathroom break during the test

took a little longer than anticipated.

May I use the restroom, please?

Uh-oh. Nothing to see here.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Little desk.

That's why they say, "It's test time, so diaper up."

They say that, I've never said that.

[CHUCKLES] I've never worn a diaper during a test.

Who would wear a diaper during a test? That's ridiculous…

Santiago. Sorry.

Look, don't give up on the green initiative. You're a great sergeant.

You'll get everyone on board. Not Gina.

Yes, Gina.

You can handle her. You can do this. Sarge, it's test time.

Diaper up.

Thank you for coming along with me on this manhunt.

I needed your help. No problem, who are we looking for?

He's a one-armed smuggler from the dunes of Tunisia.

He goes by the name of Señor Riff Raff.

You're taking me to that foot massage place.

I am taking you to the foot massage place!

I made that whole thing up. Shocking.

Look, the night shift hasn't been easy on any of us.

Let me make it slightly better

by paying a strong-handed woman

to literally milk the stress from your feet.

Just shut up, I'll do it once. [GASPS] Yes!

As long as you promise to never ever talk about foot milk again.

Deal, you're going to love it.

I guarantee you, I won't.

[BOTH MOANING]

All right, that's Severino's restaurant. My CI says he's in there.

Whoo! I'm pumped. I'm ready.

[STAMMERING] Just out of curiosity, how scared are you guys?

Not at all. How about you?

I'm terrified, but, you know, I just keep telling myself,

worst comes to worst, just start shooting things, you know?

I think it might be better if you stayed in the van.

Wait, are you trying to sideline me? Yes.

Oh, thank God. [LAUGHS]

But just because you're in the van,

doesn't mean you're not an important part of the mission.

Your job will be to keep an eye on the restaurant.

And, if anybody suspicious walks in, you just…

Run everybody over with the van,

and then back up if they're still moving.

Don't try and guess where I'm going with it.

You keep an eye on the door.

If anyone suspicious walks in, let us know in our earpieces.

Oh, I could do that, absolutely.

You know, actually, I saw those earpieces on Ellen.

One time, Justin Bieber was on,

and he was supposed to be, like, a security guard…

C.J., I'm loving the story, but we gotta go in.

I'll finish later. TBC.

Thanks for hand-laminating, Santiago.

Of course. If you ask me, saving energy is trending.

Oh, Gina, didn't see you there.

Gina, did you shut off your space heater yet?

Space heater…

Doesn't ring any bells. Jacinta.

Oh, no, she's still going strong.

I will take that thing away from you by force, if necessary.

Well, come and get it!

Seriously? The heater's under your skirt?

Maybe. You can't prove that.

Yeah, I can. There's a cord running under it,

and I think you may be on fire.

Mmm. So? What do you mean "so"?

I'm not giving up Jacinta.

You are on fire, Gina.

You do not have the upper hand in this situation.

I always have the upper hand.

Not when there's flames shooting out of your butt!

Especially when there's flames shooting out of my butt!

[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]

Damn it!

How the hell did I lose that one?

Hey, you Severino? Who wants to know?

I'm Cal, this is Billy.

We used to buy from Rosario,

but he got busted by the feds, and we're looking for a new hook-up.

C.J.: Guys, we got company.

There's a lady with a dog, and a man with a ponytail.

Another lady with a dog, two dogs back-to-back, guys.

-[OVER RADIO] Is that fishy? -I knew Rosario.

Seems fishy to me. There's a lot of dogs.

So how's come I never heard of you?

Well, you can ask Rosario's guys about us.

If you think it's weird, just cough once for yes, twice for no.

HOLT: I didn't come here to be accused of something.

We can buy from somebody else.

C.J.: Jake, I need an answer, why is nobody coughing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, I got a right to know who I might be in business with.

I need an answer on the dog thing, is it weird?

-Can somebody cough? -[COUGHS TWICE]

Whose cough was that? Was that you, Jake?

If it was you, cough twice, if it was somebody else, cough three times.

[COUGHS TWICE] Sorry, bad allergy day, pollen count is off the charts.

[LAUGHING] "Pollen count"! Oh, man, how do you come up with that stuff?

So what's your territory? That's why you guys are in there,

and I'm out here… We don't sell on the streets.

We have loyal buyers that come to us.

…on the mic. And we need quality product,

our customers are discerning. Check one, check two.

Check DJ C.J. on the mic.

I got a guy that can get you the best dope in the city.

But it ain't going to be cheap.

Apparently, there's such a thing as too much Smash Mouth.

I'm sorry, you think we want to deal with complete strangers?

Got two kids, beautiful house… We gotta cover our own asses.

How do we know this guy's even legit?

Shut up! Stop talking!

Shut up, now! Oh, my God!

Shut up, C.J.!

Whoa, whoa! What are you, cops?

Yes, obviously, we're cops.

Put your hands up.

Whoa, who said we were cops? We haven't gotten the information we needed yet.

Jake, you're blowing it, man.

[YELLS] Stop talking!

Crime scene investigators combed every inch

of Severino's restaurant, no drugs.

Well, we can't hold him much longer, and he's not talking.

The interrogation did not exactly go well.

You're going to tell us who Flaco is,

and you're going to tell us right now. Whoa!

That was crazy.

Well, there's one bit of good news.

The last call on Severino's phone

was to a contact we believe to be Flaco.

We've tracked his location to a warehouse by the water.

We're going to storm the place.

Great, I'll go get C.J.

Why? Why are you so determined

to make him a part of this? No reason.

If you actually cared about your sacred oath,

you'd see that he's a risk to the case.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh…

My speech didn't actually inspire you, did it?

[SIGHS] All right, here's the truth.

If we catch Flaco, and C.J. gets credit for it,

he's going to transfer out of the Nine-Nine.

That's what this is all about?

You're still trying to undermine the man?

What? No! The opposite, if anything.

I want to see him succeed. I'm trying to overmine him.

Oh, you know I hate it when you make up words, Peralta.

Are you still mad at me for saying "snaccident"?

Yes, very.

Please, just let him come along. No.

Just so his name is on the arrest report. No.

I'll put him in a car a block away.

Fine.

At least tell me what it was about my speech that didn't work for you.

[SIGHS] Oh, man, if I had to boil it down to one thing and really pinpoint it,

I guess I would just say it's… You're boring. But still let him come? Great.

What is all this?

Oh, hey, Sarge. I'm growing tropical plants now

in the warmth of my three space heaters.

It's getting a little hot, though, wouldn't you say? Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Probably also turn on my portable air conditioning unit.

-[EXCLAIMS] -[AC BEEPS ON]

You're not going to beat me, Gina. This is my last stand.

My whole life is last stands!

Gina, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, what's up?

Let me guess, you and Jake are having problems,

you want me to teach you how to kiss?

What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss, I've read books.

This is about Terry. You can't tell anyone else this, but…

He failed his lieutenant's exam. How do you know that?

Let's just say my little birds are everywhere collecting whispers.

He left the letter on his desk, and I read it.

Okay, but if you know he's depressed,

then why are you being so hard on him?

Don't worry, I got this.

Just clear the lane

and let Gina do her thing. What?

-[SIGHS] -[DOOR CLOSES]

Gina? You locked me in.

Going to lunch.

Gina, you know I'm very claustrophobic.

Everybody ready? Where's C.J.?

Parked a block away on Winthrop, as promised.

Don't worry, he's not going anywhere.

I downloaded an app on his phone

that makes your words sound like burps.

Smart, really smart. Yeah.

Here we go, on three, two, one…

NYPD, on the ground. On the ground!

Flaco, run!

That's Flaco.

It's locked, go back.

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, sorry.

C.J., that's Flaco. You got him.

Yeah!

He's out cold, how'd you do it?

No, no, wait. Let me guess.

You opened your car door into him. Yep.

He never saw it coming. [LAUGHS] Yep.

And neither did you. It was a total accident.

You were getting out of your car to go pee. No!

There was a spider in the car, and I panicked.

Damn it, how did I not guess that?

You gotta see this spider. It's gigantic.

Charles, this is amazing.

I know. When's the last time you cried like that?

Huh? You cried? Damn right, I did.

Well, I guess we gotta get back to the Nine-Nine.

Let's not be hasty.

Neither of us have any open cases right now,

so should we tell the ladies we're ready for round two?

Let's do it, you insatiable little minx. I'll go get 'em.

Mmm.

Charles, this place is a front, money laundering or something.

We gotta get out of here right now.

I just got off the phone with One Police Plaza. They're thrilled.

Captain Stentley, you got your transfer.

I'm not transferring. Whoo! What, why?

The whole reason I wanted to transfer in the first place

is because I didn't feel like I could do this job,

but the mission tonight, me taking down Flaco…

More the door than you.

It just showed me that I can do this,

and now I feel like I really do belong here.

So, thank you, guys,

for making me believe in myself again. Oh…

Come here.

That's going to leave a mark.

I can't believe this. Not only are we still stuck on the night shift,

but now we have to watch C.J. get a medal?

Why are there so many reporters? Even The Times is here.

Wait, really? Who'd they send?

Wilson, Palmer, Schneier, Levine, Rogers, Tyler, Baker,

Correal, Bromwich, Robbins, Schmidt?

Stop saying reporters' names. How do you know so many names?

They're the only real rock stars we have left. Okay.

Hello, we're here today to honor Captain Jason Stentley,

who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring.

And so, it is my pleasure to bestow upon him

the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.

Oh, bestow me, baby.

Oh, wow!

That's a lot of people.

Uh…

Baba Booey, Cornholio.

[LAUGHING]

That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?

Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference

in the overall level of drugs moving into the city?

No idea, next?

What's your philosophy for dealing with international narcotic supply chains?

Didn't understand the question, next.

Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?

Okay, there's a question I can answer.

Uh, well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine,

so I totally biffed it…

Thank you, thank you, Captain.

-[REPORTERS CLAMORING] -C.J.: Oh.

That… That is… That's plenty.

That was a train wreck.

Yes, he never should have been put in that position.

Whoever recommended him for the medal

and called all those reporters really messed up.

Wait, what are you saying? Oh, nothing.

It just seems as if C.J. has been…

Overmined.

You did this? I did.

And you used my made-up word.

I hated it. "Overmined."

[SIGHS] What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?

It was no snaccident.

So, the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year.

To make that much, they'd have to massage 100 feet an hour,

24 hours a day, seven days a week for the entire year.

Damn it, we have to shut them down.

Wait. Let's not be hasty about this.

Let's think this through. We want to be smart about this.

Right, I mean, what if we bust them tonight,

and then tomorrow, I'm chasing a murderer, I'm about to get him,

and my foot cramps up? Due to lack of massaging.

Then the murderer gets away.

Know who he kills next? The mayor.

Oh, my God, the city has no mayor now. It's chaos.

Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.

They gotta call in the National Guard,

there's tanks rolling down 5th Avenue,

declaring martial law. It's insane.

All because we shut down a foot massage place…

That was doing God's work.

What were we thinking? So, it's agreed,

we let them stay open for the sake of the city.

We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?

Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

NYPD, get down on the comfortable matted floor.

Put your magical hands where we can see them.

You're under arrest for ruining something perfect.

[WHISPERS] And money laundering.

Yes, money laundering, whatever!

Gina, I've been thinking a lot about how you refuse to give up Jacinta.

That's right. She's never leaving.

I know, which is why I decided to do the only fair thing.

Space heaters for everyone.

So, what? That sounds great.

Everyone.

Ooh-wee, it's toasty in here.

You're going to be looking at that all night long.

Whoa! I think he's about to eat a hoagie. Is that mayonnaise or sweat?

Oh, fine, I give up! You can take Jacinta.

Really? And the other two space heaters, too?

[GROANS] All of them, you win.

I win? I won?

Amy, I won! You did it, Sarge.

You're going to get our power usage down.

I don't care about that crap. I took down Gina Linetti.

I did the impossible. Terry is back on top!

Diaper up! What!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Captain Jason Stentley has been transferred

from active duty effective immediately.

Captain Raymond Holt will be taking his place,

and, yes, he's taking all of us with him.

You mean… Yes, Amy.

We're back on the day shift!

[GASPS] Nine-Nine!

ALL: Nine-Nine!

♪ Come on and party tonight ♪