All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E02.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

[Horse whinnying]
- Very well.

I certainly appreciate
your candor.

[Whinnying and nickering]

[Computer beeps]

- Were you just
skyping with a horse?

- Not "a horse," Lemon.

Rafalca, mitt Romney's
champion dressage mare.

- Sure.

- She answers
yes or no questions

by eating either
an apple for "yes,"

or a carrot for "no."

If she eats both, that means

"life is full of
unknowable Gray areas."

Remarkable animal.

And thanks to Rafalca,
I am now fully briefed

on the Romney
campaign's latest setback.

Did you see the
news this morning?

- I saw the today show.

So I know how to make an
Autumn pizza that your teen will love.

- Paul Ryan dropped
out of the race last night.

- What? Wow, why?

- Turns out he was
actually born in Kenya.

Not a lot we could
say about that one.

- So who's Romney's
running mate going to be?

- Rafalca assured me that an
announcement would be made

later today, or...

She just wanted to eat an apple.

- And how's tanking NBC going?

Is Hank ready to sell?

- Soon, he'll have no choice.

Sunday night football is
just Cleveland browns games.

I'm allowing Jimmy
Fallon to use his real voice.

- [In a muppet voice]
And the greatest band

in late night, the roots.

[Scattered,
unenthusiastic applause]

- And you're certainly
doing your part.

Last week's show
was excruciating.

- Thank you.

I told the writers
there are no bad ideas.

And they really
took that to heart.

- Yes, I have a reservation
under "black Hitler."

- You know, I could get
used to this not caring thing.

- And what about your
reproductive efforts?

- Bleh.

Criss and I have been
taking the dump truck

to the bone yard most nights.

- Oh, come on. Try
to enjoy it, Lemon.

Criss looks like
a little elf prince.

- I should get back downstairs.

Show's not going
to phone itself in.

- I do have one concern, Lemon.

Elections can be very good
for sketch comedy shows.

And the last thing I
need is a election year

ratings spike for TGS.

So no political stuff.

- Oh, okay, sure.

We'll just have to rely
on observational humor.

Like, um, "table
is a weird word."

- Thank you, Lemon.

- And you gotta wonder
who came up with the door.

Bunch of cavemen sitting around.

"Hey, Gronk!

"Before we starve
to death in here,

let's make a door!" I, uh...

[exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- I have been
waiting seven years

to tell you people what
I really think of you.

- Really?

'Cause you called me
"Mr. Clean's gay uncle"

in front of my children.

- This is my first royalty check

for my summer
dance jam, "balls."

♪ Balls, balls, balls,
balls, balls, balls, balls ♪

♪ balls, balls, balls,
balls, balls, balls ♪

♪ balls, balls, balls, balls ♪

♪ balls, balls, balls, balls ♪

In this envelope is
my cut of every cd sale,

paid download, music video
DVD rental at blockbuster...

- oh, boy. Jenna,
you might want to look

at that check
before you insult us.

- And maybe you ought
to look in the mirror

before leaving your
house in the morning,

because you look
like someone's been

slowly poisoning Sally Field.

- Alrighty then.

- Read it and weep,

you mouth breathing,
vag repellers.

- It's $90, Jenna.

- What? How?

That song was everywhere.

The FBI blamed it for a
spike in summer sex crimes.

- Well, the music industry
isn't what it used to be.

- Thanks to Al
Gore's stupid Internet,

people can just
get music for free.

That's why I got out
of the music business.

♪ Despite my
beautiful singing voice ♪

♪ and my amazing
songwriting... ♪

- Hey, Jenna.
- Shut up.

- Hey. What are you doing here?

- Oh, just thought I'd pop in.

- No, you damn well didn't.

Lunchtime is when you "pop in."

You've got something
else on your mind, son.

Fresh shave, elevated pulse,

Cologne. Mm-hmm.

This man is here
to do it on the desk.

- Tracy, you're disgusting.

- No, Liz, he's right. I am.

No, but I'm not being gross.
We're trying to have a baby.

And you know
how Liz's libido is.

So I'm trying to keep
it from being a chore.

That's why I started
tracking her menstrual cycle...

- you don't have to
prove anything to them.

Just shut your mouth, Criss.

I'm sorry.

You're tracking my cycle?

- I don't want you
stressing about it.

So I made this calendar.

I thought you'd like to
know that you're ovulating.

And I came here today to...

I don't know, spice things up.

I know, it was stupid.

- No, okay, it's... I get it.

It's... in the office.

It's like I'm Don draper
and you're Megan.

Okay, you're Don draper.

No, you're Glen and I'm Sally.

[Dramatic tango-style music]

- Hey, this is a system.
This is all organized, god.

The post-its are for my ideas
and the pens are for my tea.

- Liz, you have to see this.

- Hornberger, what if
we'd been having sex?

- Then I would have
seen Criss' muscular back.

You think I care?

- The next vice president
of the United States,

governor Bob dunston of Alabama.

- Well, okey-dokey-doo, america.

- We gotta have Tracy
play this guy on the show.

He looks exactly like him.

- I was thinking we would
just lay off the political stuff.

- Liz, he's right.

That guy looks
exactly like Tracy.

- Did you guys see? I'm
on TV but now I'm old.

Oh, god, Liz Lemon.
It's happening to you, too.

- Okay, fine. The
guy looks like Tracy.

But what's the joke?

- Ooh, I'm going to have
to take a moment here.

I sat on my testicles earlier

and the heft of my body
smashed them to smithereens.

- Okay. Start
working on the wig.

- Ow.
- [Exhales]

- Oh, Ms. Maroney. I want
you to meet my mother...

- I'm going to stop you
right there, Kenneth.

I am having an actress
side project crisis.

So I'm not interested
in whatever this is

and whatever it
thinks it's wearing.

- Oh, I can't believe I
just met Jenna Maroney.

I was so nervous. I hope
I didn't embarrass you.

- You were fine,
but your friend Ron

sure doesn't know how to
behave around celebrities.

- Oh, oh, I am so sorry, Kenny.

You know the only
celebrity I've ever met

was Evel Knievel's motorcycle.

And that was just a picture.

- Oh, I almost forgot.

We got you a little
something for your birthday.

- Is that a cd?

You people still buy cds?

Kenneth's mother. O.M.G.

Why haven't you
visited us before?

- Well, money's been tight

ever since the market
crashed into our house.

My... my name is Ron.
I'm Pearline's friend.

I've met celebrities before.

Do you know Evel
Knievel's motorcycle picture?

Oh, come on, Ron.
I'm better than that.

- I have so many
questions to ask you people.

Tomorrow, when
we break for lunch,

you are coming to my dressing
room and watching me eat.

- Oh, I wonder what she eats.

- Now, I've been very
up front about this.

See, that girl was in my
car because I was trying

to talk her out of being
a prostitute, and she...

[knock at door]

- Jack, I have to let Tracy
play governor dunston.

- Absolutely not.

- Come on. He
looks exactly like him.

Give me a break, Jack.

Listen to this guy.

- Hang on. I'm
caught on a nail here.

[Fabric ripping]

Okay, now we can continue.

- I can't just ignore
dunston, Jack.

Everyone's talking about
how much he looks like Tracy.

NBC.com had over 100 hits today.

Exactly.

I'm trying to tank this network.

To that end, I have
asked you to lay off politics.

- Uh-huh. But what
you really meant

was lay off
Republicans, didn't you?

- This is not about
politics, Lemon.

In order to save this
network, I have to destroy it.

Just like BP did when
they heroically tried

to lubricate the Gulf of Mexico.

Now, do not write
anything about Bob dunston.

- I promise. I
won't write a word.

- Are we better off now
than we were four years ago?

Not me.

I now have herpes.

And the Dixie mafia
is trying to kill me.

- Hey, elf prince.

What makes you think my
last period started on the 29th?

- Because you kept saying
your aunt Flo was in town.

- She was. Remember?

I took her to moma
and the cloisters?

- I assumed those were
all vaginal euphemisms.

- Great. So we had
sex for no reason.

No reason at all.

- Wow. Thank you.
- Well...

- look, Liz, I know
this isn't your... Jam.

Which is why I've been
trying to make it fun.

I surprised you at the
office, I wrote you that song.

♪ Your body is my
garden of Eden ♪

- I hate you.

I'm sorry. I hate you.

Liz, we both want
this to happen.

But it's not going to
work if it's a chore.

- Yeah, okay. I know.

I have to relax.

And I promise, as
soon as I figure out

when I really am ovulating...

[Speaking German]

- You just spoke in German.

- I don't think so, Criss.

- I'm caught on a nail here.
[Laughter]

Caught on a nail.

[Fabric ripping]

[Audience laughter]

- That was Tracy Jordan
having some fun the other night

at the expense of
governor Bob dunston.

- Liz, The New
York Times called.

George Clooney
wants to be on the show.

And you got a gift basket.

- Gift basket?

Pears? Why?

- Lemon, a word.

We had an agreement.

You promised not to write
anything about dunston.

- And I didn't.

Every one of
Tracy's lines last night

was a direct quote from
governor dunston himself.

- I see. Well, bravo.

- You're supposed to
say "brava" to a woman.

- Oh, I am well aware of that.

This is a disaster.
Ratings are up.

And now, during the election,
Hank Hooper wants TGS on

five nights a week,
starting tonight.

You are UN-terriblizing
this network.

- Wait, I have to do
a show every night?

- Uh-huh. Say goodbye
to your free time.

Oh, did you hear that?

That's the sound
of honey boo boos

piling up on your TiVo.
- No!

- Your show is
ruining my career.

And besmirching the
name of a good American.

Bob dunston is a fine man.

- A-ha. So this
is about politics.

I'm sure you'd let us make
fun of Joe Biden all we want.

- Oh, but how could
you? He's so amazing.

He rides the train.

- Liz.

Dunston's at a county fair
and he ate too much chili.

- [Retching]

- I'm sorry, Jack. This
is bigger than both of us.

- Oh, boy.

When did old Bob dunston
swallow all this change?

- Pearline, you must
be so proud of Kenneth.

Smell him. That's Jenna
Maroney's garbage.

- Oh, he's always
been a special boy.

I remember the day he was born.
He looked up at me and he said,

"mama, I am not a person.

"My body's just a flesh
vessel for an immortal being

whose name, if you heard it,
would make you lose your mind."

Do you remember that, honey?

- Oh, we're just all
so proud of Kenny.

I tell everyone I meet,

I know a big shot
up in New York City.

- Great story, Ron.

- So tell me, what kind of
music do you folks like to buy?

- Well, Jenna, you
know, times are tough.

And it's not getting any easier

now that obamacare's
extending our life expectancy.

Let me die in an emergency
room with a treatable disease

like an American.

- But music can let
you forget about all that.

Folks like us, we
need an escape.

It's just like what
Jimmy buffett says.

"I'm just a cheeseburger
in paradise."

- Of course, we don't
have a stereo anymore,

on account of our mayor,
who's a meth addict,

took it apart in a field.

But Ron sings.

He writes his own songs.

- Are they about being a loser?

- Some of them.

But mostly, they're about
being on a tropical island,

and sipping some rum,

and feeling the sand
between your toes.

- What do you know
about any of that, Ron?

- Kenneth Ellen Parcell,
mind your manners.

It just so happens Ron
and I have been to key west.

- Oh, yes, we have. It
was on our honeymoon.

We... oh, my...

Uh-oh.

- You got married? When?

- Seven years ago.

- Look, Ken, I'm just
trying to replace your dad...

Oh, dang it.

That's the wrong
thing to say, isn't it?

- If you will excuse me, I
have to get back to work.

- This is terrible.

I've never gone this
long without talking.

- Okay, if we're
doing a show tonight,

Tracy needs to do a
run-through with the vomit rig.

Props can do 4:00...

- oh, no, I promised Criss I
would be home this afternoon.

Yeah, for that.

And get this. Criss
wants to make it fun.

How do you make sex fun?

- Well, Paula never
opens her eyes.

So what I do is look at
a nursing school catalog

I keep under my pillow.

- Ugh.

This five shows a
week thing is bonkers.

So, great, let's all figure
out when I can have sex.

Okay, what if Jenna
did her DVD commentary

while she was getting vajazzled?

Then we could move
the prop meeting up.

You know what, we have
to look at the whole month.

Ooh, yeah. There it is.

I need to cross-reference
this with my menstruations.

Ooh, this is complicated.

I'm going to have to
color code all of this.

Tracy will be red,
Jenna is Blue,

and I will be green.

Ooh, yeah. That's nice.

This is, um...

Mm, it's getting hot in here.

If I had a column for my
basal body temperature,

then I could schedule
around peak ovulation.

Right there. Yes,
that is the spot.

Oh, god.

This whole thing
could be a spreadsheet.

If we print it in landscape,
the page will take it all.

Oh, yeah. It'll take it all.

[Giggles] Oh, my god.

- Hi.

Hey! That was ten dollars.

- I think I figured out what's
been missing from my sex life.

Organizing it.

- Cooter? Cooter berger?

- Hi, Jack.

I took the Liberty of
making myself a drink.

Is that red wine with
tonic water and olives in it?

- Yep. It's an old Spanish.

Is that not a thing?

Oh, the guys at the office
told me it was a cool drink.

I'm always getting pranked.

Anyway.

Ow.

- So, uh, what have
you been up to?

- Well, after 2008, I went
back to being a lobbyist.

You know, just hanging
out in hotel lobbies.

If you wear a red vest,
sometimes people think

you're a valet and you
can take a nap in their car.

- Right.

Well, it looks like
you're back on your feet.

- And how. You're looking at

the deputy chief
of media relations,

Romney-dunston 2012.

Here, have a sticker.

- Cooter, this is a puffy
frog with googly eyes.

- Oh, no.

I've been handing
those out all day.

Listen, Jack, the
reason I'm here...

We need to talk about this
whole Bob dunston TGS thing.

- Yes, I'm taking care
of that, I assure you.

There will be no more Bob
dunston sketches on TGS.

- No, no, no. That's
not what we want.

We need you to make fun of
dunston as much as possible.

- What? Why?

- Because it's
making him likeable.

He's actually very mean.

But with Tracy
Jordan playing him...

- he's a lovable buffoon.

- Exactly. Nobody's
talking about

the governor's record...

- his re-segregation of
the Alabama schools.

His long-time
sexual relationship

with the Hank Williams statue
outside Montgomery city hall.

- They're just talking
about how funny Tracy is.

It's a win-win.

You help us take
back the white house.

And you goose NBC's ratings.

- Yes, and I do want
NBC to get good ratings.

- Yeah, I know.

Let's keep saying
things we want.

A closer friendship with
you that includes road trips.

Your turn.

- Jenna?

Can we trouble you
for some advice?

- Yes. If you're
only in New York

for a few days, find a way to
see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis.

It's worth it.

- All right, but we'd like
to talk to you about Kenny.

- He won't even speak to me.

- Don, Garlene, I
don't have time for this.

I'm trying to write a new album

for the only people who
buy records anymore.

Unhappy, middle-aged
bummers like you.

This writing is hard.

Wait. You said you write songs.

- Yes, I do, but I'm not
a professional like you,

or them bears at showbiz pizza.

- Sing one for me
now. For inspiration.

I'm not going to steal it.

But if I do, don't even
bother lawyering up.

I'll have my Jews
on you so fast,

you'll think you're
an Asian girl.

- Well, um, okay.

I wrote this song
earlier today, for Kenny.

You know, I just hope
someday he realizes...

- [muttering]

- Okay.
- [Humming]

- ♪ There's a
picture on my wall ♪

♪ of a boy who's just yea tall ♪

♪ without a daddy,
he's in danger ♪

♪ he needs an
older male stranger ♪

♪ and when he goes to war ♪

- Okay, I'm going to
stop you right there.

Ron, that was terrible.

I'm going to be
constructive here.

You should kill yourself.

- No, he should not.

I am sorry, Ms. Maroney, but
you don't talk to Ron like that.

- What are you talking about?

I've heard you call
Ron a dingleberry.

- Comparing Ron to our
inconsiderate neighbors,

the dingleberrys, is
something I can do.

But you are not allowed to.

Because you are not...
A part of our family.

- That's what
family is, Kenneth.

People you badmouth all
the time behind their back.

Why, on the train right up here,

I called you a bowling
pin with a face drawn on it.

A cheap albino lesbian.

A finger with teeth.

A hummel someone
left on the radiator.

- I get it, mom.

- But if anyone else says
a word about you, Kenneth,

I don't stand for it.

Do you remember that kid
in school who bullied you?

Well, I ate that goat.

Because you and I are family.

And, like it or not, Kenneth,
so are you and my husband.

Ronald mcdonnell.

- Oh.

- I think I just got
an idea for a song.

It's called "rum-soaked tampon."

Now, what were you
guys talking about?

- [Off-key] ♪ hey, girl ♪

♪ me and you ♪

♪ hey, baby ♪

♪ this is just more proof ♪

♪ that I am an amazing singer ♪

♪ does this song make
you wanna do it? ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ girl, you're so beautiful ♪

♪ and so is the
guy you're with ♪

♪ I just want to lick
your face, eeh... ♪

- Hey!

Where you think
you are, OfficeMax?

Get out of here, you perverts.

- Two minutes.
Two minutes to air.

- Lemon, where have you been?

You have a show to do.

- Don't worry about the
show. It's all scheduled.

Look at this. Oh,
yeah, mommy like.

- What's wrong with you?

- I've solved my
intimacy issues, Jack.

Now that the show
is on every night,

everything has
to be organized...

[Speaking German]

- Well, congratulations.

I just want to make sure that

you're doing a Bob
dunston sketch tonight.

- Why?

- Because of the,
uh, first amendment.

Which I love.

And what you told me earlier.

You convinced me. You win.

- You think I'm an idiot?

I didn't win that
argument. I'm an idiot.

- Lemon, what do
you want me to say?

You're helping the
Romney-dunston ticket, okay?

People like dunston
because they like Tracy.

- What? No.

If these sketches
are helping Romney,

we're not doing them.

- Yes, maybe
that's for the best.

The success of your
show is the only thing

keeping Hank from selling NBC.

And if he doesn't sell, I'll
spend the rest of my career

in corporate obscurity,
like a woman with children.

Damn it.

But if I don't help Romney,
it's four more years

of socialism and
corporations not being people

and a basketball court
at the white house.

- Let me make your
choice easy. Jack, it's over.

- Yes, but is it that easy?

You stop doing dunston, TGS
goes back to one night a week,

you can kiss goodbye your
dusseldorf bus schedule sex.

You'll be having
Paris Metro sex.

Long sessions of afternoon
love-making, followed by talking

and making circles with
your finger in Criss' chest hair.

- No. You can't make me.

- Do the sketch, I help
Romney, but I ruin my career.

Cut the sketch, you help Obama,
but you screw up your life plan.

It's a win-lose.

- Tracy to the floor
for the cold open.

- So what are we going to do?

- Break a leg, tray.

- That shouldn't be hard.

I have a severe
calcium deficiency.

[Dramatic music playing]

[Cheers and applause]

- Gwen, I'm glad you
brought up my record.

It's called sounds of seduction.

And it's available on iTunes.

There are nine types
of legitimate rape.

One... a Halloween party.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Do you know if this
auditorium validates parking?

Our opponent would
like you to believe

that mitt Romney is a merman.

Now, I know mitt Romney
does not live in the sea.

- Mormon, governor.

- A mormon? Now, that's crazy.