All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E07.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- How's it going in there?
- Great.

Trying on jeans
is my favorite thing.

Maybe later I can
get a pap smear

from an old male doctor.

- Oh, come on, Liz,
this store is cool.

It's huge with all
the young people...

I mean, all the us.

- This place is
trying way too hard.

Why are there
straightjackets everywhere?

- Because before this
was a clothing store,

it was a mental hospital.

It's winky and fun, Liz.

- Okay, I tried them
on. Can we go now?

- Liz Lemon, you look hot.

- Really?

- I swear to kaballah monster.

Those jeans are
perfect. Look at your butt.

- Oh, my god. Is that me?

- Liz, it's the dream.

Boy on the bottom,
girl on the top.

- O.M. god, those
jeans are zing!

- This online slang
dictionary says

it's short for "amazing."

Or it's a club drug made
from a tooth whitener.

Either way you win.

- I'll wear these jeans out,

and I'll take ten more pairs!

- 'Tastic. Shall I put
the pants you had on

in with the jeans?

- No. Burn them.

Burn them!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry I was
late this morning, sir.

I was attacked
in my apartment...

- quiet.

- Congressional candidate
Regina Bookman...

- Are they really talking
about that woman?

- Making political hay
out of the wheat field

that is the
NBC-Kabletown merger...

Who wrote this? Jared, honestly?

Bookman told reporters, quote,

"the merger of NBC and
Kabletown is bad for the consumer.

"I don't trust their
executive leadership,

"and Kabletown still
has an auxiliary button

"on their remote.

"What is that for?

It just makes the
screen go Blue."

- Why is she still talking
about the merger?

She said I had three months
to make NBC more diverse.

- It's not your fault
nobody watched

america's next top black guy

- Bookman, amping up
the rhetoric in a tight race.

Polls have her in a dead heat

with out-of-nowhere
challenger Steven Austin.

- Wait a second. There's
a chance she could lose?

Bookman is obviously
holding a gun to my head.

And no matter what I do,
she obviously wants me to fail.

- But if she loses...

- this isn't a conversation!

But if she loses,

I won't have to worry about
her scuttling the merger.

Jonathan, get her
opponent in here.

Whoever he is,

he just made a
very powerful friend.

- I thought you said you
didn't need any more friends.

[Women giggling]

- 'Zing leg-tubes, Liz.

- Vunderhinder!

- They're from
Brooklyn without limits.

It's this very cool store
with locations in gay town,

white Harlem, and the
Van Beardswick section

of Brooklyn.

And they don't just
look great. See the tag?

"Handmade in u.S.A."

Because BWL is
all about fair trade

and local artisans
and staying green.

These jeans totally make up

for all the times I
took a long, hot shower

because I was bored.

- I'm so excited for you, Liz.

Now we both have amazing butts.

- Make that all three
of us. Jenna, a word.

Specifically, the
word "talking."

- Oh, and look at this.

- J-train, as you may
know, I was in a film

called hard to watch.

And the pundits
think I have a chance

at an Oscar, and I just
learned about air quotes.

- Yes. I talked about your movie

with my therapist
last week for 20 hours.

- I know this is
difficult for you.

- I'm fine.

Talking with Dr. Linda
helped me realize

I have just as much
going on in my life.

My exercise video
is dropping soon.

It's called Jenna gets hard.

[Jenna moaning]

- Well, if you're
okay talking about it,

I need your help.

These reporters want to
come do a story on me.

They're from something called

the Hollywood foreign
press association.

[Gasps] HOFPA?

- Yeah.
- That's the golden globes.

The second-most-important
awards in Hollywood...

After the people's
choice awards...

Where the fans are in charge.

- So what do you
think I should do?

- You could have
a special screening

for them... host a luncheon.

And when the time is right...

- Be bad at snapping. Got it.

- No, Tracy. You
could try to bribe them.

I mean, a golden globe is a
stepping stone to an Oscar.

How bad do you want it?

- I'm not an expert at morality,

but isn't that wrong?

- You're asking me?
[Laughter]

- So this is the man who's gonna
bring down Regina Bookman.

Rhode Island's
own Steven Austin!

- Actually, I go
by Steve Austin.

That way people see
my name on ballots,

they think I'm the wrestler,
and they vote for me.

- I've been reading
up on you, Steve.

Honestly, I want to like you.

But I see that
you're not affiliated

with the republican party.

- The party system
is broken, Jack.

I don't believe in parties.

I don't join 'em,

and I never get invited
to 'em... Hint, hint.

- You're an individual.

[Chuckles] A Maverick.

People like you are succeeding

because Americans are
fed up with the status quo.

- Exactly.

They're tired of the direction
this country's headed in.

They want to return
to our past glory.

They want an
American renaissance!

- I like what I'm
hearing, Steve.

- Then you're gonna love

the sound of this.

Goo goo gaa gaa, Jack.

- What's that?

- That's the theme
of my campaign.

Renaissance means rebirth.

I want to Usher in the
rebirth of this country.

That's why the theme of all
my campaign commercials

is "I'm a baby."

This country has lost its way.

We need to start over and return
to what made our nation great.

My name is Steve Austin,

and I'm a lifelong
resident of Rhode Island,

and the Manager of a
local paintball facility.

I will clean out Washington,

like it's the bathroom
of a paintball facility.

Vote Steve Austin.

And if you're blind,
I am the wrestler.

- Right.

I like a lot of what
you're saying, Steve,

but before I throw my
support behind you,

I do have a litmus test.

- Okay. Can I take
that in two weeks?

- No, it's just questions.

What do you think the role
of the government should be?

- Limited. I believe
in small government.

- Excellent answer.
- Or no government at all.

If it works in Antarctica,
why can't it work here?

But if we have to
have government,

make it as small as possible.

Dwarves, tiny buildings...
Pizza bagels for lunch.

- Maybe we should
stop at small government.

Let's cut to the chase.

I need you to assure me you
would never allow the government

to interfere with the sale
of one company to another.

- Of course not. The
government shouldn't

interfere in anything!

What happens inside a
man's own rain poncho

at a minor league baseball game

is his own business.

- Well, Steve, we
should stop talking

before I change my mind.

But I do want to host
a fundraiser for you,

so give me a couple of
days to put that together.

- I need to know that you
believe in my message, Jack.

Take the rattle.

Say "goo goo gaa gaa," Jack.

- Goo goo gaa gaa.

- What's going on here?

- I'm helping Tracy plan for a
golden globes event tomorrow.

Kenneth is our
human Sushi platter,

and I'm doing a dry run so
everything will be perfect...

For my friend Tracy.

- Lying perfectly still
reminds me of hiding

under our porch during
a hill people rampage.

- On the day, Kenneth's
mouth will be filled with wasabi

so he don't do so much...

- I should get a chafing dish
and fill it with my underwear

in case some Saudi guys show up.

- Let me get this straight.

You, the person
who is still jealous

of the attention
baby Jessica got,

are helping Tracy win
an award for acting?

- Oh, I'm helping
him, all right.

I even gave him the
idea to try to bribe them.

- And he's gonna
do that? That's awful.

I trust award shows.

They tell me how much to
care about different dead people.

- It's not gonna work.

If they could be bribed, I
would have won a golden globe

for my lifetime original movie
sister, can you spare a breast?

- So you've tried this before?

- And they were so offended,
they banned me for life.

And the same thing
will happen to Tracy.

- So you're sabotaging him.

Just like I did to my niece
when she tried to sing

at our family's Christmas party.

- You know what, you and
Tracy deserve each other.

I don't know which of you
to be more disappointed in.

- Me, silly.

I'm more aware
of what I'm doing.

- I'm sorry, miss.

Do you know where
Liz Lemon... good god!

Lemon, those jeans
make you look like

a Mexican sports reporter.

- Thank you, Jack. Hi.

Do I know you from
outside the bagel store?

- You probably know
me from the future,

where I am the president
of the United States.

Steve Austin,

Rhode Island's independent
candidate for congress.

- Oh, yeah, somebody
forwarded me

one of your campaign ads.

- The rebirth of
america starts now.

Waaaaah!

My name is Steve
Austin, and if you're senile,

yes, I am the
six-million dollar man!

- Paid for by the broken vending
machine at the paintball place.

- I'm actually working
with Steve's campaign,

and I would like you to
produce a biographical video

for a fundraiser I'm hosting.

- Oh, my god!

I got a Zappos box coming today,

and there's nobody
there to pick it up

because my wife left
me for my twin brother.

Can I use your phone?

- Yeah, okay. You
don't have a cell phone?

- Yeah, I got a cell phone.

I walk around all day

with a CIA tracking
device in my pocket.

- Okay, that guys is bananas.

Obviously he should not be in
congress... what are you doing?

- He's running against
Regina Bookman... I need him.

Aha. So you're putting
one more nut job...

Yeah, I said it... "one
more." I'm political

in Washington so you
can advance your career?

What is going on today?

Has everyone lost
their moral compass?

- You're being awfully
high and mighty

for someone who once
claimed her husband drowned

so she could get
out of a gym contract.

The whole Kabletown
deal is resting on this,

and Austin is pro-business.

- Big business is what's
screwing up this country.

- Please, Lemon, you
work for general electric!

- Technically, I
am a freelancer,

which is pretty much
a modern-day cowboy.

And I live like a cowboy

by buying quality,
locally made jeans.

Also by eating
beans out of a can

due to impatience.

You're on your
own here, partner.

But hey, it's not all bad,

'cause you get to
watch me walk away.

- No, no, that's not right.

Why can't the delivery
guy just leave it out back?

Yeah, I know it's not a house,

but I sleep there.

- I'd like to thank
you all for coming.

We've heard complaints
about the Sushi platter moving...

We're working on it.

- [Muffled] I'm sorry.

- Tracy would be happy to take
any softball questions you have,

like the following...

What films inspire you?

- Well, definitely
the foreign films.

Like the political ones

where you think
there'll be no boobies,

then bam! Boobies.

Tracy, what is an actor?

- I think the
better question is,

what isn't an actor?

A lamp. A couch. That mirror.

Or a hidden pistol.

An actor... [Jenna clapping]

- And now, amidst
a day of wonders,

one wonder more.

A special voters-only
screening of hard to watch,

based on the book stone
cold bummer, by manipulate.

[Orchestral movie intro]

- They call New
York the big apple.

Never seemed that way to me.

I used to have dreams.

I was an all-city running back,

and I was gonna run out of
here to college, the suburbs.

Now the only thing
I use a football for

is as a toilet.

Funny thing to happen
to a guy named "lucky."

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I am a constitutional
originalist,

and I believe that our
founding fathers had it right.

We need to get
back to their america.

No paved roads.

Rum used as an anesthetic.

Legalized slavery.

- All right. Some good pieces.

- Jack, you want to
see my hand gestures?

I have you listen to me!

Forceful conclusion.

There's work to be done.

Hand me that shovel so
I can dig a grave for her.

- Okay, let's cut.

- Sir, look at this
Bookman photo op.

- "Representative Bookman
greets young voters

at Warwick mall."

She's courting the youth vote.
That means she's desperate.

- My generation never votes.

It interferes with talking
about ourselves all the time.

- She's running scared.
God, this could work.

Now all I have to do is
whip Austin into shape.

- Hey, Jack, just
to have options,

should we do a couple
takes with binky?

- Let's take five.
- Wow.

You're really going
ahead with this.

- Lemon, I'm not
about to take criticism

from someone
wearing that tee shirt.

- Hey, don't talk down
Brooklyn without limits.

Stores like this are
saving the world.

- Really? You're
gonna lecture me

about big business again?

Do you know who owns
Brooklyn without limits?

- Brooklyn Zack.

He throws pool
parties in dumpsters.

- Halliburton. In the mid-'90s,

they found themselves
with a surplus

of canvas waterboarding hoods,

so they had sweatshops
make them into messenger bags

to sell to outer-borough idiots.

- You don't know what
you're talking about.

Handmade in usa.

- Your magic jeans are from BWL?

Oh, Lemon, it's not
handmade in usa.

It's pronounced
Hond-made in Oosa.

The Hond people are a
Vietnamese slave tribe,

and usa is their island prison.

They made your jeans.

You know how they get
the stitching so small?

[Whispers] Orphans.

- No! Brooklyn Zack is real.

He just got back from
Peru, where he met a family

that's been making
hats for 2,000 years.

- We all make our compromises.

At least I'm doing it for
our company, for jobs.

You're doing it for your ass!

- I don't believe you.

The liberal media would
have told me about this.

- There's no such thing.

The New York Times is
owned by NYT Incorporated,

which is owned by
Altheon Ballistic Dynamics,

which is owned by
the Murdoch family,

who are owned... By Halliburton.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- It goes all the
way to the top.

How can you work here?

Do you know who owns this place?

- Halliburton, bitch. So what?

- But look at you!

You're meticulously
groomed, and...

And you turned
a tie into a belt.

- Oh, so gay men
can't be conservative?

You're so 'norant.
That's short for ignorant.

That's short for "ignorant."

And who are you to judge?

You're still wearing
those jeans.

- Ah... che Guevara...

If only you knew what
this place stood for.

- His great grandfather
was domingo Halliburton.

- [Gasps]

[Laughter, easy music]

- Wow!

I haven't seen so
many suits since my trial.

- I have an idea. I
know these people,

so let me do the talking.

Oh, uh, Steve?

Of course you know ed perlman.

- Perlman, isn't
that last name Jew...

- [laughs loudly]

New strategy.

I'll raise the money,
and you stay in here

and cultivate an
aura of mystery.

- Ooh, good idea.
Maybe I'll add to it

by making some
mysterious sounds.

Oooooohhh...

Yeeee-eeee...
- I love it.

Oowwww...

- I'll go to jail in
Deshawn's place

'cause he's my brother.

Don't say nothin'.

Sometimes you gotta
do the right thing...

Even when the wrong
thing is a whole lot easier.

Now let's just have one
last happy dinner together...

As a family!

[Knock on door]

- Your mother exploded.

- [Sobbing]

- I got them right
where I want them.

Time to do a little
golden globe shopping.

- No, Tracy...

That movie gave me
drunk-in-the-bathtub face.

We need to talk.

- Thank you for coming.

- Well, you were right
about Brooklyn without limits.

Crunchy on the outside,

right-wing nut
job on the inside.

Like Anne coulter's underwear.

But I see you're still
wearing the jeans.

- I know! They look so good.

And I'm skyping
later with Carol,

and we like to dance together.

And I want to do
this "back it up" move

that I haven't been able
to pull off since high school.

It's like... ♪ back
it up, back it up ♪

♪ and drop it like it's hot ♪

♪ drop it like it's hot ♪

♪ I will haunt your dreams ♪

So fine, I'm selling
out. But so are you.

- No. I believe in Steve Austin

and his plan to put a
casino on the moon.

- Then I believe in Halliburton.

- Good. So neither
of us should feel guilty.

- We don't.

- Sabotage? But I'm the
one who does that to me.

- I know, Tracy. It was wrong.

But I couldn't
go through with it

because I saw your movie.

And I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but you're great.

- Wait, great like good,

or grate like the thing I
dropped my asthma inhaler down

the other day? [Inhales raspily]

- The first one, tray.

You are going to win.

And when you
do, I'll be furious.

Like waking up next to
Rob Schneider furious.

But I don't care.

It's like you said
in the movie...

Sometimes you
gotta do the right thing,

even when the wrong thing
would be a whole lot easier.

- No, don't say that.

In real life, you have
to make compromises.

- No, Liz Lemon, it's
like the thing I said

in another movie I made.

Compromises are
for lesser souls.

Die, werewolf zombie!

- So you two have decided
to do the right thing?

Ugh! Fine!

I'll go home and change!

Take a last look, guys.

- I would hit that.
- Too small.

- I believe we are all
being held in slavery

by big government.

- [Gasps] Lesbian
Mario brothers.

- I couldn't do it, Jack.

I just couldn't support BWL.

And I'd already thrown
out all my other jeans.

- That is the most
unflattering item of clothing

I have ever seen you wear.

And I'm including
2008's turtleneck

with smiley-face vest.

- But I feel good.
And not just because

in my shorteralls I found
a bag of TasteTations,

a discontinued
chocolate hard candy,

but because sometimes
you gotta do the right thing,

even when the wrong thing
would be a whole lot easier.

Die, werewolf zombie.

- Good god, Lemon!

- I will never allow
casinos on the moon!

Thank you!

[Cheers and applause]

- Steve?
- Friend or foe?

- You're the reason
everyone came here tonight.

They need to hear you speak.

In person.

From the heart.

Damn you, shorteralls!

- Americans are a simple
but powerful people,

which is why I have written
a new national anthem.

♪ Ooga booga big ♪

♪ ooga booga strong ♪

♪ I am going to sing
my ooga booga song ♪

♪ ooga booga big ♪

♪ ooga booga strong ♪

- Wow! That's worse than
the speech my grandpa made

when my cousin
married a Japanese girl.

- As if that weren't
enough, Austin was mocked

in Jay leno's monologue tonight.

The kingmaker has
spoken. It's over.

Bookman will be reelected.

- But you did the right thing.

And at the end of the day,

isn't that more important
than some merger?

- Letting morality get in
the way of making money...

I might as well go
and be a teacher.

- I know what will cheer you up.

Would you like some cake?

- Yeah.

- Cake boy!

- This has been the
best day of my life.

- I believe ketchup bottles
should be 500% larger.

We are all responsible for
heroes becoming terrible.

But what kind of jail
are these alien prisoners

being held in?

We should bring back slavery!

And they're backed
by big corporations.

Animals can govern themselves.

Taken out of context. It
was exactly what I meant.

As god is my witness,

we will build
casinos on the moon!

Thank you!