All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E03.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Look at this.

The writers put it on my door.

- I don't know what
that's referring to.

- It's referring
to this one time

that I got a chemical
peel before work,

and I was wearing a
red and green sweater

and a fedora.

But these douche-Bs have
been doing this for weeks.

- "Lez Lemon."
- First thought.

- "Winona Ryder
in a hundred years."

- Weak.
- "Fart Barfunkel."

- Indian food.
- "Paul Simon."

- I don't get
that, but it hurts.

Look, I love a good
joke, but I am their boss,

and, at a certain
point, it crosses a line.

To quote Rodney dangerfield,

"hey, I...

Hey, I..." No, let's see...

- Lemon, if you're about to say

that you don't get any
respect, you're right.

I mean, in a
post-apocalyptic world,

how would society even use you?

- Traveling bard.

- Radiation canary. I
have to run, Lemon.

I have an appointment
in Washington.

The hearings on the
Kabletown-NBC deal

are underway,

and the company has entrusted me

to be their front man.

- Hey, will you ask congress
where they put the usa network?

I've been trying to find
monk for, like, three months.

- The only thing I
will be discussing

with the house subcommittee
on baseball, quiz shows,

terrorism, and media
is vertical integration.

- What's vertical integration?

- Imagine that your favorite
corn chip manufacturer

also owned the number
one diarrhea medication.

- That'd be great,
'cause then they could put

a little sample of the
medicine in each bag.

- Keep thinking.

- Except then they might be
tempted to make the corn chips

give you...
- Vertical integration.

- Wow, that should not
be allowed to happen.

- But it's my job to make
sure that it does happen.

Do you know who gets
elected to congress these days?

Former athletes, washed-up
actors, and women.

I'm locked and loaded
and ready for whatever

these beltway
lobotomites throw at me.

- What if we have
to stay overnight

and there aren't enough rooms,
so we have to share a room,

and I forgot to bring
a shirt to sleep in

and the stores are all closed...

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Liz, quick question about
the Johnny Appleseed sketch.

Does it hurt it if we can't
call him Johnny Appleseed?

- Yes. Why?

- Well, Johnny
Appleseed was a real guy,

and his descendants
are very litigious.

So here is a list of the names
that legal says we can use.

Jerry Bananaseed.
And nothing else.

- Great, so what are my choices?

Either I argue with legal

or I spend all day
writing something else?

Does anyone care
[Text message beeps]

- Oh! We can't use
Jerry Bananaseed.

Someone with that name killed
a bunch of nurses in Portland.

- [Sighs]

- Kenneth. You're back.

I need you to get me
something called Vagitrax.

It's for dry knees.

- I wish I were
back, miss Maroney.

I'm reapplying to
the page program.

But it's a lot harder
than my first time around.

It's gotten really competitive.

You shoulda seen what I
saw in Mr. Winerslav's office.

- Well, your interview
will be Thursday.

Is there any a/v equipment
you'll be needing?

- Equipment?
- ♪ Inside Schwartz 21 ♪

♪ hill street blues,
wings is fun ♪

♪ golden girls, quantum leap ♪

♪ outsourced is
the new friends ♪

- The process
used to be dignified.

Now it's just a pageant.

- Just a pageant?

That's like saying a guy is cool
because he has just a speedboat.

If you need help
winning a pageant,

you've come to the right place.

- Well, if it'll get me back
into the page program.

- When I was pageantizing,
my mother told me

there's only three things

standing between
you and winning...

Your breasts and
wanting it bad enough.

- I'm not sure that applies...

- we've already started.

- And this deal will
count as a 39% bump

variable against
an 11 % increase

of synchronized flexibility.

- Sir, my name is Rob reiner.

And before I became
a congressman,

I dabbled in television,

won a couple of emmys.

And I believe that my
experience out there

in hollyweird gives
me a special insight

into these types of deals,

particularly when it comes to...
- Say it, meathead.

- Vertical integration.

- Ahh, the dreaded V.I.

Bad for america,
kills innovation,

drives up prices.

Is that it?

I guess that's why
big oil and Microsoft

are such great
American failures.

- What?
- Dare I say

vertical integration
drives down prices

by streamlining the process.

Consider the farmer.

He owns his land,

the equipment he uses
to harvest his crops,

the truck that he uses
to drive that product

to the farmers'
market where he sells it

directly to the consumer.

Is that not vertical
integration?

1:32 P.M.

Mark the time,
ladies and gentlemen,

that congress put a bullet

in the head of the
American farmer.

- No! You win!

- The acclaimed director

of when Harry met Sally

would never do that.

- As always, it's
been a pleasure.

- Mr. Donaghy,

one last question.

Why is NBC so racist?

[Tap dancing]

- Horrible.

What else can you do?

- ♪ Oh, everybody ♪

♪ born before Jesus ♪

♪ is in hell ♪

♪ they went straight... ♪
- enough.

I'm gonna have to reinvent you.

Break you down completely
and build you up from scratch.

Just like Mickey Rourke
did me to sexually.

- But miss Maroney,

I don't want to be reinvented.

I want to be me.

- All right, first things first.

Can you lose that goony accent?

- Well, I don't know, ma'am.

[Accent getting thicker]
You made me think about it,

and when I get
to thinkin' 'bout it,

it juh get worse.

- Mr. Donaghy, I represent

Rhode Island's first
congressional district.

It's a diverse community,

from the hard-working
moms and dads

of Smithfield to those
spoiled jags at Brown

to a thriving, flourishing
Italian criminal community

in Providence.

It's my responsibility
to make sure

that public airwaves
represent the face of my public.

Now, one question,

why is it that NBC
looks about as diverse

as a Wilco concert?

- I would point to
Sunday night football,

which features many
black players and coaches.

Oh, and we have
Anthony Anderson,

the star of law & order,
which is entering its 21st...

- [whispering] It's
been cancelled!

- What? Why did we cancel that?

That doesn't make any sense.

- Mr. Donaghy, this may
just be about money to you,

but, as a member of
congress and a black woman...

- I don't really see color
or gender, Mr. Chang.

- I feel I have an extra duty,

not just to my constituents,

but to future generations.

Now, unless I see some
serious change at NBC

and soon, I can guarantee you

this deal will not happen.

[People murmuring]

- Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

Peas and carrots.
Rhubarb. Rhubarb.

Peas and carrots. Rhubarb.

- Dotcom, you run Tracy's
production company, right?

- Yes. Dotcom productions.

- That's Tracy Jordan
spelled backwards.

- Well, I need programming for
the African-American community,

and nobody knows that
demographic better than you.

- Don't worry about
it, Jackie D, I'm on it.

Call Grizz.

I need someone around
who's not just a yes man.

- Whatever you say, tray. Oh.

Come on, Walter.

- What is going on?

- Representative Regina Bookman
is using the Kabletown hearings

as a soap box from
which to complain

about a lack of diversity on TV.

- Well, she has a point.

I was reading the new Malcolm
Gladwell new yorker piece

on my kindle.
- Did you really read that?

- No, I did not.

- I really resent the
congresswoman's accusations.

I've long been an
advocate for diversity.

It's made this nation great.

The Chinese built the railroads,

the Irish built and
then filled the jails...

- A guy named Juan
built my armoire.

- Diversity means new
ideas and new markets.

It is our best hope

for true innovation.

- Did you tell all that to
congresswoman Bookman?

- No, I was too busy
trying to remember

the name of the
black kid on community

- D'Nall Glover.

- It wouldn't have
mattered anyway.

The whole thing was
just political theater.

You should have
seen her grandstanding.

- The future and america.

Now I may have lost
my train of thought

several minutes ago,

but if I continue
to talk like this,

no one will notice,
and when I stop,

you will applaud my
energy. Thank you.

Thank you.

[Applause] Thank you.

- I can't let Bookman
jeopardize this deal.

Tell me about diversity at TGS.

- Well, Lutz claims to be inuit.

At least that was
his explanation

when I found his
poem about snow.

- What about Toofer?
Is he any good?

- I don't know if he's
mentioned this to you 100 times,

but he went to Harvard.

- So we know he's smart

and superb at masturbation.

- Ha.

- Is there any way we
can give him a promotion

of some kind?
- Sure.

Make him co-head writer.

I always figured he'd take over
for me when I die at my desk.

- Really? You're okay with that?

- Oh, yeah. Let
someone else share

the total lack of respect,

deal with the meetings,
the complaining,

the stupid Johnny
Appleseed sketch.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You are not doing a sketch
on the Appleseed family.

Monty Appleseed and I share
a liquor locker at the opera.

- [Screams]

[Hoarsely] I forgot my doctor
said no more frustrated noises,

because it makes
my vocal cords go...

[muttering]

Now it's gonna
be like this all day.

- There you are.

I've got hair extensions for you

and a body shaper with
a reinforced penile sleeve.

- Miss Maroney, please.

My feet are killing me.

- I am trying to
help you, Kenneth.

Believe me, I wish you weren't

such a Houston foreclosure
of a human being,

but I need to tear you down

and turn you into someone
that can actually win this thing.

- They hired keyboard guy?

He's not even
recycling properly.

Miss Maroney, wait.

So what do we want to see on TV?

I personally love cop shows.

I can't wait for law &
order to start back up.

Why? It was a tentpole!

A tentpole!

- Well, here's something
I've been working on.

It's called let's stay together.

After the Al green song.

It focuses on an
African-American family

in Detroit in the '70s.

Motown, the auto industry,

Vietnam, Watergate.

Let's stay together is
not just about a family

trying to stay together,
but also a nation.

- What if there
was a talking dog?

- I'd like to see
that incorporated

into your rewrite.

Okay, meeting over.

- ♪ Thank you, NBC ♪

♪ for all the laughs and tears ♪

♪ once home to Kelsey Grammer ♪

♪ the golden girls,
my name is Earl ♪

♪ the a-team and cheers ♪

♪ so shine on and thank you ♪

♪ NBC ♪

A top-ten network.

- Smile.

- Okay, let's dig in, cohorts.

- It means the
badger in Spanish.

I'm not sure who did it.

- Toofer's got a head
writer sign on his door.

It's great. Good for him.

- Oh, god. Tejon face.

Is this about the TV interview?

- What TV interview?

- It's nothing. It's just
a local cable show.

- Well, if my co-head
writer is being interviewed,

then so am I.

Aqui viene El tejon!

- The only thing that
worked in the read-through

was the dog.

- How's production going, tray?
- Good.

And there's a lot of buzz.

Can you hear it too?

Or is my tinnitus acting up?

Hey! That food is for
Dotcom productions only.

TGS's food is backstage.

- But they don't have
women's sports bars.

Men can have
cramping too, you know.

- Mr. Donaghy, I have
representative Bookman

on the line.
- Oh.

Representative Bookman.

- Mr. Donaghy, I'm
in New York right now.

Some colleagues of mine
and I are taking meetings

on Wall Street and
then we're doing

a sex and the citywalking tour.

- Magnolia bakery?
Oh, sorry, hips.

- But it looks like I'll
have time to stop by

and continue our conversation.

- Good. I welcome it.

As I was trying to
say the other day,

this company has a
long-standing commitment

to diversity and inclusiveness.

- Yo, Jackie D,

I had dinner with
Don Imus last night.

He told the following joke...

- Good-bye, congresswoman.

- I can't believe
they rejected me.

- Well, of course they did.

The bridge was supposed to be

shuffle-ball-change,
maxi Ford, Cincinnati,

Cincinnati, double-time
shim-sham-shimmy, toe punch.

I don't know what
you were doing.

- I'm sorry, miss Maroney.

- And where was your sparkle?

You embarrassed me in
front of all the other mothers.

If you think you're going
to sizzler tonight, Jenna,

you got another thing coming.

Oh, you'll be practicing
your steps in the garage

until the school boat comes.

If I hadn't seen you come
out of me in that parking lot,

I'd swear you
weren't my daughter.

Oh, my god.

What just happened?

- I think you
just turned into...

- let me get there.

I've turned into my mother.

And I turned you into me.

You're welcome.

But it was wrong.

- Well, to make it up to me...

- let me get there!

To make it up to you,

I am going to get your job back

or my name isn't
Yustrepa Gronkowitz.

I mean, Jenna Maroney.

- Welcome to right on.

I'm your host, rutherford rice.

With me is my co-host
Shirley Thomas.

Our topic for today

is African-Americans and
their roles in the media.

Our first guest is
James Spurlock,

head writer for TGS
with Tracy Jordan.

- Good day, tri-staters.

- Co. Co-head writer.

- And also with us is someone
named Elizabeth Lemon.

- Thank you,
rutherford. It is a pl...

I can tell that you're off me.

- Mr. Spurlock,

do you think the
system is broken

when it is news

that an African-American man

is a head writer for
a network TV show?

- I think I can answer that.

Another question that
we could be asking

is why isn't it a big deal

that a woman is a head writer.

I would argue that TV
is more of a boys club

than a white club.

I like your dress.

Do you have to
wear a bra with it?

I will let you get
back to Toofer.

- Who's Toofer?

- I don't know.

- James, when
people think of TGS,

they think of Tracy
Jordan, Jenna Maroney,

the mysterious crew deaths,

the Angela lansbury lawsuit.

What they don't think of is you

working long hours
late into the night,

giving up any
semblance of a life.

Well, James Spurlock, you
can finally take your bow.

You are right on's
Arthur Ashe of the week.

- Okay, you know what?

I get it. I shouldn't be here.

I should have realized
that when I saw the masks

and the picture of black Jesus.

- That's me in college.

- All righty.

All right, I said I was leaving.

You don't have to have
your boss come and...

That's a security
guard. That's not great.

- Sir, representative
Bookman is on her way up.

- Jonathan, what
did we talk about?

- But, sir, I was
born in palo alto.

[Indian accent] I
will go get her, sir.

A thousand apologies.

- Jack, it's an
actor me-mergency.

I want to get Kenneth
back into the page program,

but whatever this
is won't let me.

- What? Who cares?

Jeffrey, just hire Kenneth back.

- But Mr. Donaghy, the only...

- I don't have time
for this. Just do it.

- Thank you, Jack.

- Mr. Donaghy.
- Representative Bookman,

welcome to NBC.

This is the perfect place

to begin our tour.

Studio 6h,

home to one of NBC's
biggest stars, Tracy Jordan.

- Mr. Jordan,

Regina Bookman.

We met at the congressional
black caucus fundraiser

you crashed your
motorcycle into.

- And thank you, representative.

What you're doing
is very important.

I can assure you
that NBC is committed

to making diversity a priority.

Then just walk away
and don't try to kiss her,

Tracy, and don't
say that last part.

- Hey. You eat from your
own table, remember?

Our food is separate. Separate!

- I'll kill you, white devil!

- [Screams]

- Let's just head this way.

So how was your flight?

Congresswoman, this
is Jeffrey Winerslav.

He heads our diversity
and hiring initiative.

- What's the latest
from H.R., Jeffrey?

- Well, I'd like to tell you
that we filled the minority slot

in the NBC page program
with a native American fellow

named wants to get sandwiches,

but you made me
hire that guy instead.

- Oh, brother.

- Mr. Shoelace,

you're being silly.

- You call that
a diversity hire?

- Maybe.

That young man is a hillbilly

with a girl's middle name
and, because his county

never rejoined the union,

a foreigner.

- Now you're untied?
Have you two been talking?

- There's James.

Attention, everyone.
- Oh, give me a break.

- I present you, James Spurlock,

with the 2010 Tavis Smiley

excellence in
broadcasting award.

Thank you for
making us all smiley.

[Applause]

- Mr. Spurlock,

how long have you
been head writer here?

- One day.
- Mm-hmm.

- And who is the real
head writer of this show?

- I am.

- Ah. Tell me,

you obviously lonely
and tired woman.

Do you have to put up with
this nonsense every day?

- Yes.
- You know,

they say 90% of the work

is done by 10% of the people.

Thank you for being that 10%.

- You're welcome.

- After what I just saw,

you may be the only
person here I respect.

You get an "I met a
congresswoman" sticker.

- Thank you. Finally.

That's all I wanted...
- This country was founded

on certain principles.

- Oh, brother.

- Freedom, troops,

america, flag.

Now I might not know
where I'm going with this,

but I know we will
get there together!

[Applause]

Who loves pizza?

[Cheers and applause]

- Congresswoman, a word.

Okay, fine,

I was putting on a show.

I was tap dancing.

But you made me tap dance.

- Did someone say tap dance?

- What was I supposed to do?

This is a
multibillion-dollar deal.

There are thousands
of jobs at stake,

hundreds of second homes,

and your ridiculous
grandstanding

could ruin the whole thing,

like luffing your spinnaker
during a yachting regatta.

I know I'm not helping myself.

- Sorry. Grandstanding?

Do you not think
I believe in this?

- It's just political theater.
You're up for reelection.

- Yes, maybe I get carried
away sometimes with my love

for this great country

and the troops
and the flagtroops...

- you're doing it.

- And I apologize.

But I only talk this way so
I can get people to listen.

I care about these issues.

- And so do I.

If you just give me a chance

instead of ambushing
me in front of the congress

and my own employees.

You think I don't take
diversity seriously?

Only a fool doesn't.

Diversity is the engine
that drives this country.

We are an immigrant nation.

The first generation works
their fingers to the bone

making things.

The next generation
goes to college

and innovates new ideas.

The third generation...

Snowboards and
takes improv classes.

We always need people
who are pulling themselves up

by their bootstraps.

I did it.

And it's my job to
help others do it too.

- How do I know
you really mean that?

- How do I know you're
not just grandstanding?

- Oh, I'll show you how.

Unless you give me
a real reason not to,

I'm voting no on this deal.

- Then I've got three
months to change your mind.

I'll show you that
this company...

- I'm cutting that fat
cracker's head off.

- I'm part eskimo. Hate crime!

- [Shouts]
- [Shrieks]

- Three months, congresswoman.

- We were here first!

- [Shouts]

- Tray!

- They closed the plant.

I gave those people 30 years.

I didn't even get a watch.

All I got was this pink slip.

- You think you got it hard,

I've got two dates tonight.

- Stanley, even for
a dog, you are a dog.

- Yes! Great fix, Grizz.

[Doorbell rings]

- [Chuckles]

- Uh-oh. Ain't life a bitch?