Original subtitles

How are you?

People, I can't hear you.

That's too loud.

Thanks for coming out tonight.

My name is Tig Notaro, and--

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's-- let's relax. Um...

Who wants to hear a story about Kool-Aid?

It's about the Kool-Aid Man.

And, um--

I don't know if the commercials still are on TV. I have no idea.

Has anyone seen a Kool-Aid commercial?

- Oh, yeah. - I am not--oh, yeah.

I just found part of my dinner in my mouth and chewed it.

Yeah, I don't know if the Kool-Aid Man is on commercials anymore.

I don't care about if my material is relevant.

I do "Sanford and Son" jokes.

I do whatever feels right.

Does anyone-- is anyone not familiar with the Kool-Aid Man?

Everyone.

Tig, are you kidding me? Everyone.

I bet there is somebody out there that's like,

"Who's the Kool-Aid Man?"

The Kool-Aid Man is a pitcher.

No real clear indication that he's a man, but--

has kind of a rounded bottom.

But somehow he's for sure a man.

He, I guess, is aware when people buy Kool-Aid.

Kicks down walls.

Right now, the person that didn't know

who the Kool-Aid Man is like...

"What?"

Yeah, be careful. He is out there.

Just to sidetrack here a little, it reminds me of--

I had this job. I worked with children.

And there was this woman that annoyed me to no end.

And when I was cleaning up, sweeping, she was talking to me.

And I rarely paid attention to what she said.

And this was so long ago.

And she was, like, going on and on

about dinosaurs and how they were, you know, eating people.

And I was like, "Wait, what?

Why are we just standing here?"

And she's like, "Yeah, like, scientists,

you know, took an insect and took the blood, and--"

And I was like, "And they're just running around eating people?"

And she's like, "Yes, I can't believe you haven't heard about this."

Had no idea it was "Jurassic Park."

What does that have to do with the Kool-Aid Man?

I don't even-- I can't even follow myself here.

Guys, have you seen the Kool-Aid Man?

He has a round bottom

and a front bottom-- a round, front bottom.

He knows if you've had Kool-Aid.

Kicks walls down, busts through walls, fences.

You can't just have Kool-Aid.

Oh, I know where my train of thought was.

I just saw it right there.

This guy was like, "Ah!"

"Ah! Get on with it!"

No.

The Kool-Aid Man with his round bottom.

You can't just be hanging out having Kool-Aid.

This guy is coming at you.

Wh-- is he dangerous? Is he violent?

What is happening?

It's weird enough for the person who's having

the Kool-Aid to have the Kool-Aid Man...

End up in their backyard.

That's a weird, very uncomfortable day.

That sounded like somebody trying out a new laugh tonight.

Just like, "I think I'm gonna do it now."

And their friend is like...

"Well, that's a new laugh."

"What? I thought I'd try it out tonight.

I thought I'd blend in."

"No, you did not."

"When I did it in the car

"on the way,

it felt more natural."

Feel free to try and wedge it in any other point.

So that's a-- that's an odd day

to be in your backyard, Kool-Aid Man showing up

with a little rounded bottom and front bottom.

But think about, more importantly,

if he's busting through a fence,

that means he was waiting...

In their neighbor's yard...

For God only knows how long.

And even before that was like,

walking through the neighborhood,

you know, just sensing that somebody got Kool-Aid,

and then coming in the side gate,

waiting on the other-- he was just--

the whole time, nobody really considers he was waiting

in the neighbor's yard all that time.

And...

the neighbor is like,

in their kitchen having breakfast or lunch

and there's just, like, a little pitcher with a couple of legs.

And then who yells "Kool-Aid?"

Doesn't somebody yell "Kool-Aid?"

What?

They go, "Hey, Kool-Aid." And he goes, "Oh, yeah!"

Do you do voice-over?

Are they saying it like, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Like they're happy that they're having Kool-Aid?

No, like, "You're gonna pay for that brick wall."

Like, "Pay me."

No, I think that happens before--

then he's like, "Oh, yeah,"

and then he busts down the wall.

Do you under-- do you understand?

We found the person not familiar with the Kool-Aid Man.

Ah, we caught ya!

I dated somebody years ago,

and I realized

that I was more into them

than they were into me.

And the way I knew this was--

I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth

surgically removed.

And when you have it done,

they need you to have somebody drive you there,

sign you in, and sign you out,

agreeing to drive you.

And I asked her

if she could drive me...

to the hospital.

She said that she could not.

The crazy part also being

that, um, she was self-employed.

And I was like, "Really?

"You-- you can't ask the boss man for this one--

this one favor?"

And then I said, "Oh, here's an idea.

How about you follow me to the hospital,

and I'll park my car.

You sign me in, and then you can just leave.

I'll get the procedure done, and then I'll just drive myself home."

And she said, "I can do that."

In that moment, I was like, oh,

I like her more than she likes me.

It's confirmed.

So she signed me in and went off to work.

I love you.

More than I love myself, apparently.

So I get my wisdom teeth surgically removed.

And when they're moving me to just kind of recuperate

in this room, I kind of woke up and realized,

"Oh, yeah.

There's nobody here to drive me home."

And as soon as the nurses left the room,

I jumped up and just started hauling ass

down the hall of the hospital,

all crooked, slamming into walls.

And, uh, I got out to my car,

started it up...

Drove off,

and I was awoken,

when I rear-ended a car in front of me.

It wasn't really bad.

It was just-- I think I just fell asleep at a light,

and my foot slid off the brake,

and I just rolled into the car in front of me.

And the guy jumped out of his car and was beating

on my window, like, "What is your problem?"

And I was like, "I'm sorry.

Sorry about that."

There was no damage. Everything was fine.

And so I continued on.

And when I finally got home,

I was in so much pain that I needed

to get back to the hospital.

I hadn't stopped at the pharmacy to get pain medication,

so I just had four gaping holes in my mouth,

and I realized there was no way

that I was gonna be able to get back to the hospital.

So I went over to my neighbor and friend Leslie's apartment,

and I knocked on her door.

"Leslie!

Leslie!"

No response.

And in my crazy, drugged-up head,

I had made up the story that Leslie was in there

and she knew I was in pain

and she was just refusing to help me.

So I got down.

"Leslie!

"Leslie!

Leslie."

I didn't see her.

So I got up, and then I went around

to the front of the apartment.

And one of the other tenants

was in a bikini, sun tanning.

And I come around the corner,

and she's like, "Oh, my God!"

And I said, " Hi.

"Have you...

seen... Leslie?"

"No."

"Okay.

"Well, if you

"do see Leslie,

"can you tell her that

Tig needs to go to the hospital?"

"Yes."

"Thank you so much.

"Leslie!

Leslie!"

Just stood next to this woman in a bikini

throwing pebbles to Leslie's second floor window.

No response.

So I was like, "You know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and go back around,

try the door again."

So I went back over up the stairs.

However, this time,

there was a trail of fresh blood

leading to Leslie's door,

with a little pool at her door.

And I was like, "Oh, no!

Leslie! Leslie!"

This time, she opened the door.

And I was like, "Are you okay?"

That was my blood.

My face was so numb

that I did not realize

that...

I had blood

pouring out of my mouth,

down my shirt.

So if we can for a moment

go back to the woman sunbathing.

How did she not have a single question for me?

'Cause, I mean, I am essentially just

pouring blood out of my mouth like,

"Hey, if you see Leslie,

can you tell her that I need to go to the hospital?"

And she's just like, "Yeah, absolutely.

I'll let her know."

Not one question.

Like, how about, "Oh, my God, what happened?"

Or, "Can I take you to the hospital?"

What is her problem?

I mean, you know, to be fair,

maybe she also was self-employed

and, you know,

was unable to help me out.

My friend that I grew up with-- her mother gave her a car.

And she had to drive it to Los Angeles

and asked if I would go with her.

And so we hit the road

and filled up on Funyuns and what have you.

And then she said,

"I feel like I have an aunt in West Texas somewhere,

and we'll go crash at her place."

And I was like, "Sure."

So we pull up to this woman.

I don't remember her name. Great-Great Aunt Myrtle.

She's like the a-- Yoda--

grew up with Yoda.

I don't think anybody has ever visited this person.

This elderly woman was just pacing back and forth

waiting for us once--

Oh, my God.

What do you mean, "Oh, my God"?

There was an old woman pacing at a window.

So excited somebody was coming to her house.

My apologies.

We park. We go in.

We are so tired.

We want to go to bed.

Mm-mm.

Guess who has cooked the equivalent

to a Thanksgiving feast.

Great-Great Aunt Myrtle.

And we're like, "Oh, my gosh, thank you,"

and sat down

and had to eat apple pie

and mashed potatoes

and just so-- creamed corn.

And, you know, you're probably not gonna like

what I'm about to say.

She was boring.

All of her stories.

Everybody was dead that she was talking about.

Our eyes were cr-- we were so, like, "Oh, my gosh,""

having to eat this food,

tortured by her stories.

"Oh, and you think that's bad?

"Well, you know, and then she'd come down...

"Do go on. Do go on."

Oh, my God, I'm so tired.

We get up, we help her do the dishes,

and then she explains where our rooms are.

"Thank you so much for dinner, for letting us stay."

We go to the room, and then we hear,

"Ah, ahh!"

"Ahh!" This old bat had fallen.

We now have to take her to the emergency room.

We are up all night

at the hospital with this woman.

She was fine.

She just needed a little tender love and care.

We bring her back home, drop her off.

It is now tomorrow.

And we need to just get back on the road.

We're saying our goodbyes.

She did-- they had gotten her a walker to help her,

you know, with her hip.

And she was like, "Oh, no, "you're not getting on the road,

not till I make you breakfast."

We had to sit down

while she pushed

a walker around

and made us a feast of a breakfast.

Never got sleep, got on the road,

saved 40 bucks on a motel room.

We won.

Thank you. Um...

You guys--I mean, fir--like,

"Oh, not our Aunt Myrtle!"

And then you're like, "

Yeah, pocket that 40 bucks."

There's no way she's still alive, by the way.

And probably nobody has found her.

"Oh!

Not our Aunt Myrtle!"

Um... I was in-- before Stephanie and I

got married,

before we were even engaged--

"Aww." Mm-hmm.

It's a very sweet story that I'm about to tell you.

I was in Philadelphia, and I had collapsed

after a show from internal bleeding.

And, um...

- Whoo! - Thank you.

So, um, I-- luckily, Stephanie was with me.

And we go-- we go to the hospital.

And when you're bleeding internally, it is so painful.

It's-- your blood is supposed to be inside of your veins.

And when it's just going everywhere, it burns.

And so it was the most pain I've ever felt in my life.

And I've felt some pain.

And so I was like-- it was this kind of thing.

Very attractive.

And we're not engaged yet.

And I'm--I'm just like--

And I'm-- I'm in the hospital,

and the nurses are lifting me up

to put me on a bedpan.

And, um, I said,

"Is it okay

if I just go everywhere?"

And the nurses were like, "Um...

"Please, no.

"No. We have a bedpan.

That's what--"

But in my drugged mind, I was just like,

"There's no way you can contain

what I'm about to do."

So I was just like--

"Can I just go on everybody, just everywhere?"

They were just like, "No."

And so Stephanie was next to me, and she was just like,

"I love you, I love you,"

as they're putting me on the bedpan.

And I was like--

And then I just thought...

It crossed my mind to be like,

"Will you marry me?"

Even though I was in so much pain

and on so many drugs, I just thought,

"This would be unbelievable,

"to give her this moment

and to give the nurses this moment."

I just seemed like the grossest person in the world.

"Can I use everyone as a toilet?

"And will you...

spend the rest of your life with me?"

I knew in my drugged-up mind

that it would be so amazing if people were like,

"Oh, my God, you're engaged.

How did it happen?"

"Well...

"very typical love story.

"Tig was in a diaper.

They took it off."

That weekend together--

we had so many times where I was like,

"This is the person,"

but that particular time, I was like,

"We are good, we're all set,"

because I did have to wear a diaper after that

and I had to have stomach surgery.

And so I was walking about this fast in a diaper,

just, crinkle, crinkle.

And I couldn't leave Philadelphia.

I had to get a hotel in Philadelphia to recover there.

So-- but I'm in my little diaper, crinkle, crinkle,

as I'm moving, and this is how I knew Stephanie--

I was like, "Oh, she's the one."

She was laughing so hard

and, like, taking pictures and videos of right here.

And I was like, "Okay, fine, fine."

And so I have an entire iPhone

full of just close-ups of my diapers.

And I just like, "I'm in pain, but this is funny."

"I'll laugh another time."

Um...

I think I've been hospitalized six or seven times

in the past six years, and--

- Wow. - It's a lot.

Like, my-- my stomach is scarred,

and just tonight I was saying to Stephanie-- I was like,

"This is hilarious.

You have one here, one here, one here."

You know, the tits got yanked off a few years ago,

tossed in a dumpster somewhere,

an alley in Hollywood.

I like to picture just rodents fighting over...

When people ask, "Where-- where did your boobs go?"

I truly assume they're just in an alley,

just getting run over.

A doctor cut 'em off, tossed 'em and out the window.

What else? Um...

Uh, do you guys know the comedian Jenny Slate?

I was just curious.

I've known Jenny for years.

She's not, like, my best friend.

But we had each other's numbers,

and she texted me and said,

"Hey, I'm moving to L.A.

Do you want to have tea?"

And I said, "I'm not feeling very well.

"I've been in bed.

"I should probably be better in a couple of days.

Let's get in touch then."

Jenny said, "Feel better." She texted me in a couple of days.

"How you feeling, Tig? Wanna have tea?"

"Jenny, turns out I have pneumonia now.

"I can't have tea, but, uh,

when I'm feeling better, absolutely, we'll grab tea."

Jenny texts me, "How you feeling?"

"Oh, my gosh, Jenny. I'm in the hospital.

"Uh, I have developed a disease.

"It's eating my digestive tract.

I can't have tea."

And she was like, "Oh, my God."

And she said, "I'm going to Boston "to get married this weekend.

I will check back in with you when I'm back."

And I'm like, "Okay, well, congrats."

I mean, I wasn't even invited to her wedding, you know?

But, like, she's moving to L.A. She wants to grab coffee. Sure.

She gets back to town,

and she's like, "Hey, just seeing how you're doing."

"Jenny, I am now out of the hospital,

"but my mother has had a terrible accident,

and I have to go take her off life support."

She's like, "Oh, my God."

"Yeah, I am so sorr-- I ju-- I'm sorry. Um...

Sorry for the inconvenience."

But, like, poor Jenny Slate.

I mean, okay, I'm sure there were, like,

20 people that she was like,

"Hey, I'm moving to town. Let's get tea."

She got caught up in my swirling hell,

and had to keep checking in with me.

And now every ti-- I'm like,

"Oh, my God, what am I gonna tell Jenny?"

"Jenny, I'm feeling a lot better.

"You know, I'm gonna come through this.

"We will have our tea, but I just gotta

to pull myself together a bit."

She checks in again.

And I was like, "Oh...

"my God.

"Jenny,

I have cancer."

And she was just like, "What is going on?"

Like, every time she contacted me, I was like--

it got worse and worse and worse and worse.

Okay, I come through all of this,

and I was on my couch,

in recovery, emotionally, physically.

Somebody had sent me a huge bouquet of balloons.

You know, those just, like, 20 balloons kind of bouquet,

and it's like--you know?

Have you seen those? They're gigantic.

And there was-- somebody had sent that.

It was taking up half of my loft. It was like "Get well,"

"Feel better," "Hang in there,"

"Oh, my God,"

"Yikes,"

"Hoo, boy."

So Jenny comes over to my loft

to have tea, finally.

And we're sitting there on my couch.

And, um-- and I was just barely able to move at this point.

And I told Jenny, I said, "You know,

I've been sitting here looking at these balloons."

I was like, "I want to release

"these balloons out into the world

"with a note that says, 'Hello, my name is Tig Notaro.

'I-- I have cancer,

but I'm-- I'm gonna beat this.'"

And, uh, Jenny's like, "That is such a great idea.

Let's shove these out of the window."

And so we open the window.

I'm like--

Pushing, you know. All these huge balloons.

We're, like, getting it across the room.

And-- and we push all these balloons

with all these little messages out of my window.

And it has this little note attached to it.

And out they went, and it was this really

kind of freeing moment that the balloons went out.

And then they immediately got stuck on the fire escape

of the apartment right above me.

So now the man that lives above me

has just gotten this outrageous message

from this cancer-riddled person,

just like, "Hey, I have--

"This is what's been going on down here,

"but I'm doing a lot better. I'm coming through it."

That's essentially what he had to deal with

and pull off of his fire escape and drag into his window,

thinking I was sending him that message.

And then the awkwardness...

In the lobby and elevator after that,

just like, "How you doing?

"I'm still doing well. Thank you.

How are your balloons?"

This is a very stupid thought that I had,

and I just have to share it with you.

Why are they called "pigs"?

Why weren't they just called "bigs"?

Guys, I'm sorry.

They're big. That's dumb, I know,

but it still crossed my mind.

Oh, my gosh, there's a spider.

So you guys were watching the--

It's coming down.

"It's coming down."

I love that this spider lives up there

and is just like,

"Who is...

"Who is performing tonight?

Not a fan."

This spider is like, "Oh, I thought that was Demetri Martin, but--"

I mean, he's hauling ass right now.

So you guys were watching a spider come down,

and you didn't tell me.

- We didn't wanna interrupt. - Didn't want to interrupt?

There was a spider coming down.

Let me put it this way.

If there's ever a spider

coming down on top of me

during my show

when I'm talking about all the deadly diseases I had...

Interrupt my show.

I don't want to be bitten by a spider

'cause God knows Jenny Slate is gonna wanna have tea.

I was so into Van Halen as a kid.

And, um, like, I loved Eddie Van Halen.

I just--to this day, I still just really enjoy him.

Any time he played guitar, I was just like,

"Oh, my gosh." And I played soccer.

And I would be outside just juggling the soccer ball

for hours, just going at it.

And there was-- there was woods right by my house.

I would make up that Eddie Van Halen

heard I was out juggling the soccer ball

and, uh,

would just appear out of the woods,

not to where I could totally see him,

but he'd lean against a tree.

And just in my head, he was like,

"You're doing a great job, kid."

So that means that Van Halen was on their tour bus...

Driving along, and Eddie was just like,

"Guys, there's this little girl

"in Spring, Texas,

"juggling a soccer ball

"for hours on end.

"We need to pull off the route here

and swing by, and I just need to check how she's doing."

And there he was, every time I juggled a soccer ball.

I never looked 'cause I didn't wanna scare him away.

I was just like, "I know you're back there, Eddie.

I know you think I'm great."

All right, that's not worth sharing.

You don't have to share everything, Tig.

I was thinking about my life

and how I identify with being cool.

I am a cool person.

That is what gets me through, is being cool.

I smoked from the time I was, like, four

until I was 25.

So, you know, that's kinda tough.

And I kind of had this total Fonzarelli vibe about me.

But as a kid, in many times in my life,

I have blown my cool,

where I'm just, like, out there

trying to be an interesting little person,

and then, boom, blow my cool.

My friend lived on a farm,

and she asked me if I wanted to come over

and ride motorcycles out in the pasture with her.

"Uh, yeah.

"If I'm not doing it at your place, I'm doing it at mine."

I have seen people ride motorcycles.

It's not that hard.

Yeah, I'll be over to ride motorcycles

through your pasture.

I got over to her house,

and they were just, like, little tiny motorcycles.

And in my head,

before I got over there, it was like,

"Yeah, I know how to ride a motorcycle."

And then as I was getting closer to it, I was thinking,

"Oh, my God, I don't know how to ride a motorcycle."

And it was just a minibike,

which wasn't as complicated, I guess,

but I put it in gear

and gunned it.

And you know that reckless, horrible feeling

where you're going over a bump and into a hole

and over a bump and there is no control over it?

And then I slammed into the fence.

And I was in so much pain.

But I was so cool

that I couldn't even reveal

that I wanted my mommy.

Fonzarelli wanted her mommy.

I was just like, "Ohh."

And I was still regularly wetting my pants

at that point in my life.

Blowing my cool constantly.

Just a horseshoe of urine all the time.

"I don't have time to use a toilet."

I am riding motorcycles

through pastures--

horseshoe of urine.

Do you know what I would do to cover that up?

I'd go sit in a puddle.

Really, I-- the world was my toilet.

Anything was fine.

A bed? Sure.

A friend spent the night. I woke up.

They were covered in my urine,

sleeping like a baby.

I woke up my friend. I was like, "I am so sorry.

"My cat...

"She always does this.

This is gross. This is gross."

There was another time I blew my cool.

I play guitar.

And I was kinda known in my school

for being pretty amazing

even though nobody had seen me play.

And there was a talent show,

and this girl asked me if I would play a song with her.

And, uh, I was like, "Yeah.

You came to the right one."

So we rehearsed, I guess, one time at her house,

and I can't really remember what that was like.

I don't imagine it went that well

because show day, we were introduced,

we come out onstage,

she's playing piano, and she's singing,

and I'm up there, you know, in my head.

I was just Eddie Van Halen.

About three strums in,

I forgot all of the chords.

There was even a guitar solo I was supposed to go into,

and none of that happened.

So at the talent show,

it was just the girl playing piano

and me standing there

with my guitar on...

For four minutes.

It went absolutely nowhere,

and I remember her looking back at me like,

"You know, you can pick up anywhere."

"Mm-mm.

"No, I cannot.

I'll just stand here while you finish out the song."

Just a guitar

right there around my neck.

I mean, I'm sure it went around my back,

not, like, around my neck like a complete nerd.

The worst day of my life.

Let's end with a fun story, shall we?

No way.

I went-- I went on the road,

on tour, a few years ago with some friends of mine.

And we brought--

you know, it was-- it was a few years ago.

We brought our favorite CDs, and--

does that ever happen anymore?

Well, I brought Dolly Parton's "Greatest Hits."

Yeah. That's right.

She is beyond a national treasure. She's an international treasure.

She's just a precious person.

And, I mean, who-- it's like, who doesn't like Dolly Parton?

Every now and then-- okay. Who doesn't like Dolly Parton?

Clap if you don't like Dolly Parton.

Okay, psychopath right there.

That's the only answer. To not like Dolly Parton,

it's just like there's a psychopath in the room.

So we're listening to Dolly Parton's "Greatest Hits."

Then this song--

one of her songs is called, "Three Doors Down."

It's so good.

It is so Dolly, okay?

It is the Dolly we know and love, okay?

- Did I say "Three Doors Down"? - Yeah.

That's not a Dolly Parton song.

I think that's a band.

"Two Doors Down." Dolly Parton's song is "Two Doors Down."

I promise I'm a fan of hers.

It's really, really a great song. And I asked my friends,

I said, "Hey, do you mind if we listen to that song again?"

And they're like, "Okay." They play it.

And then I was like, "You know what?"

And they kind of came around to it, like,

"Yeah, this is a really good song. It's so fun."

And so I just said, "Why don't we just put it on repeat?"

So we did, and we must've listened to it, like, 30 times.

All right, let me tell this story from the beginning.

I'm flying down the road with my friends Martha and Steve.

We're listening to the song over and over.

We were smiling. We were glad.

We were having a blast.

You haven't seen a happier group.

And then...

There's this part of the song

where the-- the song slows down a bit and hits a minor key.

And I started to imagine a reality

where things maybe weren't so fun anymore.

I started to imagine we were losing control of the car,

just sliding off the road.

The car starts flipping sideways, longways.

The car's upside down.

Then, in this alternative reality, we come to a crashing halt,

all three of us gurgling on our own blood,

watching each other die slow, painful, imaginary deaths.

But if you remember, it's on repeat.

Thank you. Good night.