1
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,560
How are you?
2
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,520
People, I can't hear you.
3
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,240
That's too loud.
4
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,280
Thanks for coming out tonight.
5
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,200
My name is Tig Notaro, and--
6
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,360
No, no, no, no, no.
7
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,880
Let's-- let's relax. Um...
8
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,520
Who wants to hear a story about Kool-Aid?
9
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,920
It's about the Kool-Aid Man.
10
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,800
And, um--
11
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:54,400
I don't know if the commercials still are on TV. I have no idea.
12
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,240
Has anyone seen a Kool-Aid commercial?
13
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,720
- Oh, yeah.
- I am not--oh, yeah.
14
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,840
I just found part of my dinner in my mouth and chewed it.
15
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,400
Yeah, I don't know if the Kool-Aid Man is on commercials anymore.
16
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,080
I don't care about if my material is relevant.
17
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:22,000
I do "Sanford and Son" jokes.
18
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,880
I do whatever feels right.
19
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,880
Does anyone-- is anyone not familiar with the Kool-Aid Man?
20
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,280
Everyone.
21
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,960
Tig, are you kidding me? Everyone.
22
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,280
I bet there is somebody out there that's like,
23
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,880
"Who's the Kool-Aid Man?"
24
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,800
The Kool-Aid Man is a pitcher.
25
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:58,440
No real clear indication that he's a man, but--
26
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,680
has kind of a rounded bottom.
27
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,160
But somehow he's for sure a man.
28
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:10,120
He, I guess, is aware when people buy Kool-Aid.
29
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,720
Kicks down walls.
30
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,960
Right now, the person that didn't know
31
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,160
who the Kool-Aid Man is like...
32
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,520
"What?"
33
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,760
Yeah, be careful. He is out there.
34
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,400
Just to sidetrack here a little, it reminds me of--
35
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,080
I had this job. I worked with children.
36
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,560
And there was this woman that annoyed me to no end.
37
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,200
And when I was cleaning up, sweeping, she was talking to me.
38
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,200
And I rarely paid attention to what she said.
39
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,920
And this was so long ago.
40
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,000
And she was, like, going on and on
41
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,960
about dinosaurs and how they were, you know, eating people.
42
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,240
And I was like, "Wait, what?
43
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,040
Why are we just standing here?"
44
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,200
And she's like, "Yeah, like, scientists,
45
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:11,120
you know, took an insect and took the blood, and--"
46
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,600
And I was like, "And they're just running around eating people?"
47
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,960
And she's like, "Yes, I can't believe you haven't heard about this."
48
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,920
Had no idea it was "Jurassic Park."
49
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,680
What does that have to do with the Kool-Aid Man?
50
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,920
I don't even-- I can't even follow myself here.
51
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,760
Guys, have you seen the Kool-Aid Man?
52
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,760
He has a round bottom
53
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,720
and a front bottom-- a round, front bottom.
54
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,640
He knows if you've had Kool-Aid.
55
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:50,040
Kicks walls down, busts through walls, fences.
56
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,480
You can't just have Kool-Aid.
57
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,080
Oh, I know where my train of thought was.
58
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,520
I just saw it right there.
59
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,560
This guy was like, "Ah!"
60
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,200
"Ah! Get on with it!"
61
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,070
No.
62
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,160
The Kool-Aid Man with his round bottom.
63
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,480
You can't just be hanging out having Kool-Aid.
64
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,880
This guy is coming at you.
65
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,280
Wh-- is he dangerous? Is he violent?
66
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,800
What is happening?
67
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,440
It's weird enough for the person who's having
68
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:39,120
the Kool-Aid to have the Kool-Aid Man...
69
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,760
End up in their backyard.
70
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,880
That's a weird, very uncomfortable day.
71
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,640
That sounded like somebody trying out a new laugh tonight.
72
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,120
Just like, "I think I'm gonna do it now."
73
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280
And their friend is like...
74
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,280
"Well, that's a new laugh."
75
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,920
"What? I thought I'd try it out tonight.
76
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,440
I thought I'd blend in."
77
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,200
"No, you did not."
78
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:26,680
"When I did it in the car
79
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,800
"on the way,
80
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,000
it felt more natural."
81
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:42,120
Feel free to try and wedge it in any other point.
82
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,000
So that's a-- that's an odd day
83
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,480
to be in your backyard, Kool-Aid Man showing up
84
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,360
with a little rounded bottom and front bottom.
85
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:59,120
But think about, more importantly,
86
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,680
if he's busting through a fence,
87
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:06,080
that means he was waiting...
88
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,720
In their neighbor's yard...
89
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,840
For God only knows how long.
90
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,600
And even before that was like,
91
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,640
walking through the neighborhood,
92
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:32,000
you know, just sensing that somebody got Kool-Aid,
93
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:36,080
and then coming in the side gate,
94
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,680
waiting on the other-- he was just--
95
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:42,200
the whole time, nobody really considers he was waiting
96
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:47,520
in the neighbor's yard all that time.
97
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:48,240
And...
98
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,760
the neighbor is like,
99
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,600
in their kitchen having breakfast or lunch
100
00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:01,280
and there's just, like, a little pitcher with a couple of legs.
101
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,120
And then who yells "Kool-Aid?"
102
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,560
Doesn't somebody yell "Kool-Aid?"
103
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,160
What?
104
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,440
They go, "Hey, Kool-Aid." And he goes, "Oh, yeah!"
105
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,240
Do you do voice-over?
106
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:30,240
Are they saying it like, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
107
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:34,400
Like they're happy that they're having Kool-Aid?
108
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,360
No, like, "You're gonna pay for that brick wall."
109
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,760
Like, "Pay me."
110
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,880
No, I think that happens before--
111
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,560
then he's like, "Oh, yeah,"
112
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,280
and then he busts down the wall.
113
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,080
Do you under-- do you understand?
114
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:57,400
We found the person not familiar with the Kool-Aid Man.
115
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,720
Ah, we caught ya!
116
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,440
I dated somebody years ago,
117
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,600
and I realized
118
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,480
that I was more into them
119
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,640
than they were into me.
120
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,920
And the way I knew this was--
121
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:32,320
I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth
122
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,280
surgically removed.
123
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,760
And when you have it done,
124
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:39,320
they need you to have somebody drive you there,
125
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,040
sign you in, and sign you out,
126
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,600
agreeing to drive you.
127
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,960
And I asked her
128
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,520
if she could drive me...
129
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,800
to the hospital.
130
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,720
She said that she could not.
131
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,680
The crazy part also being
132
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:04,080
that, um, she was self-employed.
133
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,640
And I was like, "Really?
134
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,800
"You-- you can't ask the boss man for this one--
135
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,480
this one favor?"
136
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,000
And then I said, "Oh, here's an idea.
137
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:21,840
How about you follow me to the hospital,
138
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,440
and I'll park my car.
139
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,640
You sign me in, and then you can just leave.
140
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,600
I'll get the procedure done, and then I'll just drive myself home."
141
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,600
And she said, "I can do that."
142
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,720
In that moment, I was like, oh,
143
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,040
I like her more than she likes me.
144
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,840
It's confirmed.
145
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,640
So she signed me in and went off to work.
146
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,680
I love you.
147
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,400
More than I love myself, apparently.
148
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,960
So I get my wisdom teeth surgically removed.
149
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,920
And when they're moving me to just kind of recuperate
150
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:10,560
in this room, I kind of woke up and realized,
151
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,040
"Oh, yeah.
152
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,080
There's nobody here to drive me home."
153
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,000
And as soon as the nurses left the room,
154
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,840
I jumped up and just started hauling ass
155
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,120
down the hall of the hospital,
156
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,320
all crooked, slamming into walls.
157
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,080
And, uh, I got out to my car,
158
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,520
started it up...
159
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,360
Drove off,
160
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,210
and I was awoken,
161
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,400
when I rear-ended a car in front of me.
162
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,000
It wasn't really bad.
163
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,440
It was just-- I think I just fell asleep at a light,
164
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,040
and my foot slid off the brake,
165
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,800
and I just rolled into the car in front of me.
166
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,720
And the guy jumped out of his car and was beating
167
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,960
on my window, like, "What is your problem?"
168
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,920
And I was like, "I'm sorry.
169
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,040
Sorry about that."
170
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,280
There was no damage. Everything was fine.
171
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,760
And so I continued on.
172
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,080
And when I finally got home,
173
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:27,480
I was in so much pain that I needed
174
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,560
to get back to the hospital.
175
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:35,040
I hadn't stopped at the pharmacy to get pain medication,
176
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,000
so I just had four gaping holes in my mouth,
177
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,160
and I realized there was no way
178
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,320
that I was gonna be able to get back to the hospital.
179
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:50,600
So I went over to my neighbor and friend Leslie's apartment,
180
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,560
and I knocked on her door.
181
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,520
"Leslie!
182
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,080
Leslie!"
183
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,960
No response.
184
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,520
And in my crazy, drugged-up head,
185
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,200
I had made up the story that Leslie was in there
186
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,040
and she knew I was in pain
187
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,760
and she was just refusing to help me.
188
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,200
So I got down.
189
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,040
"Leslie!
190
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,520
"Leslie!
191
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,680
Leslie."
192
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,840
I didn't see her.
193
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:37,040
So I got up, and then I went around
194
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,640
to the front of the apartment.
195
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,480
And one of the other tenants
196
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:45,120
was in a bikini, sun tanning.
197
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,000
And I come around the corner,
198
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,840
and she's like, "Oh, my God!"
199
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:51,690
And I said, " Hi.
200
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,880
"Have you...
201
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:58,680
seen... Leslie?"
202
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600
"No."
203
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:14,600
"Okay.
204
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,280
"Well, if you
205
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,440
"do see Leslie,
206
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,400
"can you tell her that
207
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:31,440
Tig needs to go to the hospital?"
208
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,120
"Yes."
209
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,320
"Thank you so much.
210
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:44,760
"Leslie!
211
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,080
Leslie!"
212
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,560
Just stood next to this woman in a bikini
213
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:03,880
throwing pebbles to Leslie's second floor window.
214
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,440
No response.
215
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:06,960
So I was like, "You know what?
216
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:11,240
I'm gonna go ahead and go back around,
217
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,440
try the door again."
218
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:18,080
So I went back over up the stairs.
219
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,120
However, this time,
220
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:26,200
there was a trail of fresh blood
221
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,520
leading to Leslie's door,
222
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,160
with a little pool at her door.
223
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,560
And I was like, "Oh, no!
224
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,360
Leslie! Leslie!"
225
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,440
This time, she opened the door.
226
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,560
And I was like, "Are you okay?"
227
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,960
That was my blood.
228
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:53,910
My face was so numb
229
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,260
that I did not realize
230
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,360
that...
231
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,800
I had blood
232
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,000
pouring out of my mouth,
233
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,600
down my shirt.
234
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,760
So if we can for a moment
235
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,680
go back to the woman sunbathing.
236
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:29,400
How did she not have a single question for me?
237
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,200
'Cause, I mean, I am essentially just
238
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,280
pouring blood out of my mouth like,
239
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,280
"Hey, if you see Leslie,
240
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,680
can you tell her that I need to go to the hospital?"
241
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,680
And she's just like, "Yeah, absolutely.
242
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,120
I'll let her know."
243
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,880
Not one question.
244
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,880
Like, how about, "Oh, my God, what happened?"
245
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:55,400
Or, "Can I take you to the hospital?"
246
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,440
What is her problem?
247
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,480
I mean, you know, to be fair,
248
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,000
maybe she also was self-employed
249
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,960
and, you know,
250
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,920
was unable to help me out.
251
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,120
My friend that I grew up with-- her mother gave her a car.
252
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:25,360
And she had to drive it to Los Angeles
253
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,640
and asked if I would go with her.
254
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,200
And so we hit the road
255
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:35,440
and filled up on Funyuns and what have you.
256
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,440
And then she said,
257
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,840
"I feel like I have an aunt in West Texas somewhere,
258
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,640
and we'll go crash at her place."
259
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,320
And I was like, "Sure."
260
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:54,200
So we pull up to this woman.
261
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,200
I don't remember her name. Great-Great Aunt Myrtle.
262
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,720
She's like the a-- Yoda--
263
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,680
grew up with Yoda.
264
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:08,080
I don't think anybody has ever visited this person.
265
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,960
This elderly woman was just pacing back and forth
266
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,000
waiting for us once--
267
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,720
Oh, my God.
268
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,280
What do you mean, "Oh, my God"?
269
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,080
There was an old woman pacing at a window.
270
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,600
So excited somebody was coming to her house.
271
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,360
My apologies.
272
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,360
We park. We go in.
273
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,000
We are so tired.
274
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,840
We want to go to bed.
275
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:41,560
Mm-mm.
276
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,560
Guess who has cooked the equivalent
277
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,200
to a Thanksgiving feast.
278
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,160
Great-Great Aunt Myrtle.
279
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,840
And we're like, "Oh, my gosh, thank you,"
280
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,480
and sat down
281
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,480
and had to eat apple pie
282
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,800
and mashed potatoes
283
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,520
and just so-- creamed corn.
284
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,000
And, you know, you're probably not gonna like
285
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,520
what I'm about to say.
286
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,560
She was boring.
287
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,240
All of her stories.
288
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,240
Everybody was dead that she was talking about.
289
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,960
Our eyes were cr-- we were so, like, "Oh, my gosh,""
290
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,760
having to eat this food,
291
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,000
tortured by her stories.
292
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,520
"Oh, and you think that's bad?
293
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,400
"Well, you know, and then she'd come down...
294
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,840
"Do go on. Do go on."
295
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,360
Oh, my God, I'm so tired.
296
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,840
We get up, we help her do the dishes,
297
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,040
and then she explains where our rooms are.
298
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:52,160
"Thank you so much for dinner, for letting us stay."
299
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,640
We go to the room, and then we hear,
300
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,840
"Ah, ahh!"
301
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,880
"Ahh!" This old bat had fallen.
302
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:13,080
We now have to take her to the emergency room.
303
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,800
We are up all night
304
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,080
at the hospital with this woman.
305
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,920
She was fine.
306
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,440
She just needed a little tender love and care.
307
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,280
We bring her back home, drop her off.
308
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,640
It is now tomorrow.
309
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,320
And we need to just get back on the road.
310
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,920
We're saying our goodbyes.
311
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,920
She did-- they had gotten her a walker to help her,
312
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,440
you know, with her hip.
313
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,520
And she was like, "Oh, no, "you're not getting on the road,
314
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,200
not till I make you breakfast."
315
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,640
We had to sit down
316
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:53,440
while she pushed
317
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,880
a walker around
318
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:03,440
and made us a feast of a breakfast.
319
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,360
Never got sleep, got on the road,
320
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:10,120
saved 40 bucks on a motel room.
321
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,000
We won.
322
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,640
Thank you. Um...
323
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,560
You guys--I mean, fir--like,
324
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,080
"Oh, not our Aunt Myrtle!"
325
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,920
And then you're like, "
326
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,280
Yeah, pocket that 40 bucks."
327
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,520
There's no way she's still alive, by the way.
328
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,920
And probably nobody has found her.
329
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,400
"Oh!
330
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,440
Not our Aunt Myrtle!"
331
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,000
Um... I was in-- before Stephanie and I
332
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,360
got married,
333
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,360
before we were even engaged--
334
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:05,080
"Aww." Mm-hmm.
335
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,280
It's a very sweet story that I'm about to tell you.
336
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,200
I was in Philadelphia, and I had collapsed
337
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,800
after a show from internal bleeding.
338
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,000
And, um...
339
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,360
- Whoo!
- Thank you.
340
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:22,520
So, um, I-- luckily, Stephanie was with me.
341
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,800
And we go-- we go to the hospital.
342
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,520
And when you're bleeding internally, it is so painful.
343
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,080
It's-- your blood is supposed to be inside of your veins.
344
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,880
And when it's just going everywhere, it burns.
345
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,080
And so it was the most pain I've ever felt in my life.
346
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,480
And I've felt some pain.
347
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,280
And so I was like-- it was this kind of thing.
348
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,120
Very attractive.
349
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,600
And we're not engaged yet.
350
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,240
And I'm--I'm just like--
351
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,680
And I'm-- I'm in the hospital,
352
00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:00,160
and the nurses are lifting me up
353
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,640
to put me on a bedpan.
354
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:04,440
And, um, I said,
355
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,200
"Is it okay
356
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,600
if I just go everywhere?"
357
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:19,400
And the nurses were like, "Um...
358
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,280
"Please, no.
359
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,800
"No. We have a bedpan.
360
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,280
That's what--"
361
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,800
But in my drugged mind, I was just like,
362
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,720
"There's no way you can contain
363
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,240
what I'm about to do."
364
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,920
So I was just like--
365
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,800
"Can I just go on everybody, just everywhere?"
366
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,360
They were just like, "No."
367
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,200
And so Stephanie was next to me, and she was just like,
368
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,920
"I love you, I love you,"
369
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,120
as they're putting me on the bedpan.
370
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:55,080
And I was like--
371
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,720
And then I just thought...
372
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,880
It crossed my mind to be like,
373
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,040
"Will you marry me?"
374
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,080
Even though I was in so much pain
375
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,640
and on so many drugs, I just thought,
376
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,120
"This would be unbelievable,
377
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,080
"to give her this moment
378
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,320
and to give the nurses this moment."
379
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,120
I just seemed like the grossest person in the world.
380
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:29,080
"Can I use everyone as a toilet?
381
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,120
"And will you...
382
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:37,320
spend the rest of your life with me?"
383
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,640
I knew in my drugged-up mind
384
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:49,280
that it would be so amazing if people were like,
385
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:53,320
"Oh, my God, you're engaged.
386
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:57,080
How did it happen?"
387
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,760
"Well...
388
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,800
"very typical love story.
389
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,120
"Tig was in a diaper.
390
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,440
They took it off."
391
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,000
That weekend together--
392
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,720
we had so many times where I was like,
393
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,320
"This is the person,"
394
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,240
but that particular time, I was like,
395
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,600
"We are good, we're all set,"
396
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,880
because I did have to wear a diaper after that
397
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,200
and I had to have stomach surgery.
398
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,440
And so I was walking about this fast in a diaper,
399
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,920
just, crinkle, crinkle.
400
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,800
And I couldn't leave Philadelphia.
401
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,800
I had to get a hotel in Philadelphia to recover there.
402
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,040
So-- but I'm in my little diaper, crinkle, crinkle,
403
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,280
as I'm moving, and this is how I knew Stephanie--
404
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,240
I was like, "Oh, she's the one."
405
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,640
She was laughing so hard
406
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,680
and, like, taking pictures and videos of right here.
407
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,760
And I was like, "Okay, fine, fine."
408
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,480
And so I have an entire iPhone
409
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,520
full of just close-ups of my diapers.
410
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,400
And I just like, "I'm in pain, but this is funny."
411
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,280
"I'll laugh another time."
412
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:20,800
Um...
413
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,800
I think I've been hospitalized six or seven times
414
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,040
in the past six years, and--
415
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,000
- Wow.
- It's a lot.
416
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,280
Like, my-- my stomach is scarred,
417
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,480
and just tonight I was saying to Stephanie-- I was like,
418
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,600
"This is hilarious.
419
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,200
You have one here, one here, one here."
420
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,560
You know, the tits got yanked off a few years ago,
421
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,440
tossed in a dumpster somewhere,
422
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:45,240
an alley in Hollywood.
423
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,480
I like to picture just rodents fighting over...
424
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,840
When people ask, "Where-- where did your boobs go?"
425
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:59,000
I truly assume they're just in an alley,
426
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,480
just getting run over.
427
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:06,320
A doctor cut 'em off, tossed 'em and out the window.
428
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,040
What else? Um...
429
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:17,120
Uh, do you guys know the comedian Jenny Slate?
430
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,880
I was just curious.
431
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,680
I've known Jenny for years.
432
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:30,320
She's not, like, my best friend.
433
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,200
But we had each other's numbers,
434
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,360
and she texted me and said,
435
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,800
"Hey, I'm moving to L.A.
436
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,360
Do you want to have tea?"
437
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:49,960
And I said, "I'm not feeling very well.
438
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,600
"I've been in bed.
439
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,800
"I should probably be better in a couple of days.
440
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,080
Let's get in touch then."
441
00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:01,040
Jenny said, "Feel better." She texted me in a couple of days.
442
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:04,560
"How you feeling, Tig? Wanna have tea?"
443
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,560
"Jenny, turns out I have pneumonia now.
444
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,280
"I can't have tea, but, uh,
445
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:17,120
when I'm feeling better, absolutely, we'll grab tea."
446
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,400
Jenny texts me, "How you feeling?"
447
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:24,360
"Oh, my gosh, Jenny. I'm in the hospital.
448
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,640
"Uh, I have developed a disease.
449
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,760
"It's eating my digestive tract.
450
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,600
I can't have tea."
451
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,600
And she was like, "Oh, my God."
452
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:41,720
And she said, "I'm going to Boston "to get married this weekend.
453
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,520
I will check back in with you when I'm back."
454
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,720
And I'm like, "Okay, well, congrats."
455
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:52,600
I mean, I wasn't even invited to her wedding, you know?
456
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,840
But, like, she's moving to L.A. She wants to grab coffee. Sure.
457
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,840
She gets back to town,
458
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,600
and she's like, "Hey, just seeing how you're doing."
459
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,880
"Jenny, I am now out of the hospital,
460
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,240
"but my mother has had a terrible accident,
461
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,480
and I have to go take her off life support."
462
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:15,880
She's like, "Oh, my God."
463
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:20,640
"Yeah, I am so sorr-- I ju-- I'm sorry. Um...
464
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,440
Sorry for the inconvenience."
465
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:26,720
But, like, poor Jenny Slate.
466
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,720
I mean, okay, I'm sure there were, like,
467
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,360
20 people that she was like,
468
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:33,880
"Hey, I'm moving to town. Let's get tea."
469
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:39,400
She got caught up in my swirling hell,
470
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,880
and had to keep checking in with me.
471
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,360
And now every ti-- I'm like,
472
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:49,120
"Oh, my God, what am I gonna tell Jenny?"
473
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:50,800
"Jenny, I'm feeling a lot better.
474
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,880
"You know, I'm gonna come through this.
475
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,240
"We will have our tea, but I just gotta
476
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,360
to pull myself together a bit."
477
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,160
She checks in again.
478
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:03,640
And I was like, "Oh...
479
00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:05,800
"my God.
480
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:06,640
"Jenny,
481
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:10,000
I have cancer."
482
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:15,560
And she was just like, "What is going on?"
483
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,480
Like, every time she contacted me, I was like--
484
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:22,440
it got worse and worse and worse and worse.
485
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,880
Okay, I come through all of this,
486
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,720
and I was on my couch,
487
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,600
in recovery, emotionally, physically.
488
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:35,280
Somebody had sent me a huge bouquet of balloons.
489
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,280
You know, those just, like, 20 balloons kind of bouquet,
490
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:40,760
and it's like--you know?
491
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,720
Have you seen those? They're gigantic.
492
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:44,560
And there was-- somebody had sent that.
493
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,360
It was taking up half of my loft. It was like "Get well,"
494
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,320
"Feel better," "Hang in there,"
495
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,320
"Oh, my God,"
496
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,120
"Yikes,"
497
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,920
"Hoo, boy."
498
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:01,160
So Jenny comes over to my loft
499
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,040
to have tea, finally.
500
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,280
And we're sitting there on my couch.
501
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:11,320
And, um-- and I was just barely able to move at this point.
502
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,200
And I told Jenny, I said, "You know,
503
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,400
I've been sitting here looking at these balloons."
504
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,440
I was like, "I want to release
505
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:23,720
"these balloons out into the world
506
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:29,120
"with a note that says, 'Hello, my name is Tig Notaro.
507
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,080
'I-- I have cancer,
508
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,680
but I'm-- I'm gonna beat this.'"
509
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,800
And, uh, Jenny's like, "That is such a great idea.
510
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,240
Let's shove these out of the window."
511
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,600
And so we open the window.
512
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:44,800
I'm like--
513
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,200
Pushing, you know. All these huge balloons.
514
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,600
We're, like, getting it across the room.
515
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,360
And-- and we push all these balloons
516
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:59,360
with all these little messages out of my window.
517
00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:01,560
And it has this little note attached to it.
518
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:05,760
And out they went, and it was this really
519
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:09,360
kind of freeing moment that the balloons went out.
520
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:14,880
And then they immediately got stuck on the fire escape
521
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:19,040
of the apartment right above me.
522
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:23,360
So now the man that lives above me
523
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:29,120
has just gotten this outrageous message
524
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,880
from this cancer-riddled person,
525
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,440
just like, "Hey, I have--
526
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,800
"This is what's been going on down here,
527
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:41,440
"but I'm doing a lot better. I'm coming through it."
528
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:44,720
That's essentially what he had to deal with
529
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:48,720
and pull off of his fire escape and drag into his window,
530
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,280
thinking I was sending him that message.
531
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,680
And then the awkwardness...
532
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:58,120
In the lobby and elevator after that,
533
00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,640
just like, "How you doing?
534
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:04,000
"I'm still doing well. Thank you.
535
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,040
How are your balloons?"
536
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,600
This is a very stupid thought that I had,
537
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:17,360
and I just have to share it with you.
538
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:20,360
Why are they called "pigs"?
539
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,120
Why weren't they just called "bigs"?
540
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,560
Guys, I'm sorry.
541
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,320
They're big. That's dumb, I know,
542
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,640
but it still crossed my mind.
543
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,400
Oh, my gosh, there's a spider.
544
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:47,440
So you guys were watching the--
545
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,040
It's coming down.
546
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,120
"It's coming down."
547
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:57,320
I love that this spider lives up there
548
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,480
and is just like,
549
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:00,680
"Who is...
550
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,120
"Who is performing tonight?
551
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:14,400
Not a fan."
552
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:24,600
This spider is like, "Oh, I thought that was Demetri Martin, but--"
553
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,040
I mean, he's hauling ass right now.
554
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,520
So you guys were watching a spider come down,
555
00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:45,680
and you didn't tell me.
556
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:48,360
- We didn't wanna interrupt.
- Didn't want to interrupt?
557
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:53,720
There was a spider coming down.
558
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,160
Let me put it this way.
559
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,920
If there's ever a spider
560
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,960
coming down on top of me
561
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,720
during my show
562
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:10,360
when I'm talking about all the deadly diseases I had...
563
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,880
Interrupt my show.
564
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,840
I don't want to be bitten by a spider
565
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:23,960
'cause God knows Jenny Slate is gonna wanna have tea.
566
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:36,880
I was so into Van Halen as a kid.
567
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,440
And, um, like, I loved Eddie Van Halen.
568
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:45,000
I just--to this day, I still just really enjoy him.
569
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,480
Any time he played guitar, I was just like,
570
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,720
"Oh, my gosh." And I played soccer.
571
00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:54,960
And I would be outside just juggling the soccer ball
572
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,080
for hours, just going at it.
573
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:00,960
And there was-- there was woods right by my house.
574
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,480
I would make up that Eddie Van Halen
575
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,080
heard I was out juggling the soccer ball
576
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:10,880
and, uh,
577
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,960
would just appear out of the woods,
578
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,520
not to where I could totally see him,
579
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,080
but he'd lean against a tree.
580
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:23,240
And just in my head, he was like,
581
00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:25,960
"You're doing a great job, kid."
582
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:31,920
So that means that Van Halen was on their tour bus...
583
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,880
Driving along, and Eddie was just like,
584
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:42,240
"Guys, there's this little girl
585
00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:45,120
"in Spring, Texas,
586
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:48,400
"juggling a soccer ball
587
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,320
"for hours on end.
588
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,920
"We need to pull off the route here
589
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:57,480
and swing by, and I just need to check how she's doing."
590
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,400
And there he was, every time I juggled a soccer ball.
591
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:07,320
I never looked 'cause I didn't wanna scare him away.
592
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,360
I was just like, "I know you're back there, Eddie.
593
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:13,920
I know you think I'm great."
594
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:22,000
All right, that's not worth sharing.
595
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,800
You don't have to share everything, Tig.
596
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:33,400
I was thinking about my life
597
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:39,040
and how I identify with being cool.
598
00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:41,240
I am a cool person.
599
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:44,680
That is what gets me through, is being cool.
600
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:49,280
I smoked from the time I was, like, four
601
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:50,960
until I was 25.
602
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,960
So, you know, that's kinda tough.
603
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:57,480
And I kind of had this total Fonzarelli vibe about me.
604
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,800
But as a kid, in many times in my life,
605
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,160
I have blown my cool,
606
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:05,920
where I'm just, like, out there
607
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,920
trying to be an interesting little person,
608
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:12,320
and then, boom, blow my cool.
609
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,200
My friend lived on a farm,
610
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,440
and she asked me if I wanted to come over
611
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:20,520
and ride motorcycles out in the pasture with her.
612
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:22,440
"Uh, yeah.
613
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:27,480
"If I'm not doing it at your place, I'm doing it at mine."
614
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:37,320
I have seen people ride motorcycles.
615
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,560
It's not that hard.
616
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:44,120
Yeah, I'll be over to ride motorcycles
617
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,520
through your pasture.
618
00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:49,120
I got over to her house,
619
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:52,960
and they were just, like, little tiny motorcycles.
620
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:54,840
And in my head,
621
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:56,520
before I got over there, it was like,
622
00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:58,120
"Yeah, I know how to ride a motorcycle."
623
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:00,760
And then as I was getting closer to it, I was thinking,
624
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:05,040
"Oh, my God, I don't know how to ride a motorcycle."
625
00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,320
And it was just a minibike,
626
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:11,240
which wasn't as complicated, I guess,
627
00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:15,240
but I put it in gear
628
00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:18,480
and gunned it.
629
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:20,680
And you know that reckless, horrible feeling
630
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:23,640
where you're going over a bump and into a hole
631
00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:28,600
and over a bump and there is no control over it?
632
00:40:30,240 --> 00:40:33,400
And then I slammed into the fence.
633
00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:41,400
And I was in so much pain.
634
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,440
But I was so cool
635
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:47,160
that I couldn't even reveal
636
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:50,880
that I wanted my mommy.
637
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,960
Fonzarelli wanted her mommy.
638
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:56,680
I was just like, "Ohh."
639
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,800
And I was still regularly wetting my pants
640
00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:02,920
at that point in my life.
641
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:09,040
Blowing my cool constantly.
642
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:14,440
Just a horseshoe of urine all the time.
643
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:21,960
"I don't have time to use a toilet."
644
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:25,560
I am riding motorcycles
645
00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,440
through pastures--
646
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:30,920
horseshoe of urine.
647
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,200
Do you know what I would do to cover that up?
648
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,960
I'd go sit in a puddle.
649
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:42,080
Really, I-- the world was my toilet.
650
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,120
Anything was fine.
651
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:46,440
A bed? Sure.
652
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,760
A friend spent the night. I woke up.
653
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:55,120
They were covered in my urine,
654
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:58,160
sleeping like a baby.
655
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:04,960
I woke up my friend. I was like, "I am so sorry.
656
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,920
"My cat...
657
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,840
"She always does this.
658
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:15,080
This is gross. This is gross."
659
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:23,000
There was another time I blew my cool.
660
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,880
I play guitar.
661
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:31,280
And I was kinda known in my school
662
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,120
for being pretty amazing
663
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:37,120
even though nobody had seen me play.
664
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:38,920
And there was a talent show,
665
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:44,080
and this girl asked me if I would play a song with her.
666
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,920
And, uh, I was like, "Yeah.
667
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:51,000
You came to the right one."
668
00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:57,000
So we rehearsed, I guess, one time at her house,
669
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:01,400
and I can't really remember what that was like.
670
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:04,920
I don't imagine it went that well
671
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:09,200
because show day, we were introduced,
672
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:10,840
we come out onstage,
673
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:12,920
she's playing piano, and she's singing,
674
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:16,320
and I'm up there, you know, in my head.
675
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,720
I was just Eddie Van Halen.
676
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,400
About three strums in,
677
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,280
I forgot all of the chords.
678
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:31,600
There was even a guitar solo I was supposed to go into,
679
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:34,200
and none of that happened.
680
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,720
So at the talent show,
681
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:40,960
it was just the girl playing piano
682
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:42,010
and me standing there
683
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,840
with my guitar on...
684
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:54,360
For four minutes.
685
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:56,040
It went absolutely nowhere,
686
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:58,320
and I remember her looking back at me like,
687
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,440
"You know, you can pick up anywhere."
688
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,280
"Mm-mm.
689
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,560
"No, I cannot.
690
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:12,480
I'll just stand here while you finish out the song."
691
00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:18,000
Just a guitar
692
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:21,240
right there around my neck.
693
00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:23,440
I mean, I'm sure it went around my back,
694
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:28,880
not, like, around my neck like a complete nerd.
695
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:33,760
The worst day of my life.
696
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:39,000
Let's end with a fun story, shall we?
697
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:39,840
No way.
698
00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:48,440
I went-- I went on the road,
699
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:52,280
on tour, a few years ago with some friends of mine.
700
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,960
And we brought--
701
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,800
you know, it was-- it was a few years ago.
702
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,800
We brought our favorite CDs, and--
703
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,880
does that ever happen anymore?
704
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:07,400
Well, I brought Dolly Parton's "Greatest Hits."
705
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:11,760
Yeah. That's right.
706
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:16,240
She is beyond a national treasure. She's an international treasure.
707
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:19,240
She's just a precious person.
708
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:22,640
And, I mean, who-- it's like, who doesn't like Dolly Parton?
709
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:26,720
Every now and then-- okay. Who doesn't like Dolly Parton?
710
00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:28,640
Clap if you don't like Dolly Parton.
711
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:32,560
Okay, psychopath right there.
712
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,960
That's the only answer. To not like Dolly Parton,
713
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:39,200
it's just like there's a psychopath in the room.
714
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,720
So we're listening to Dolly Parton's "Greatest Hits."
715
00:45:44,720 --> 00:45:46,760
Then this song--
716
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:49,560
one of her songs is called, "Three Doors Down."
717
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:52,160
It's so good.
718
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,720
It is so Dolly, okay?
719
00:45:54,720 --> 00:45:58,160
It is the Dolly we know and love, okay?
720
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:01,080
- Did I say "Three Doors Down"?
- Yeah.
721
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:04,240
That's not a Dolly Parton song.
722
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:06,080
I think that's a band.
723
00:46:07,720 --> 00:46:10,640
"Two Doors Down." Dolly Parton's song is "Two Doors Down."
724
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:12,600
I promise I'm a fan of hers.
725
00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:17,520
It's really, really a great song. And I asked my friends,
726
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:20,640
I said, "Hey, do you mind if we listen to that song again?"
727
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,440
And they're like, "Okay." They play it.
728
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,000
And then I was like, "You know what?"
729
00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:25,960
And they kind of came around to it, like,
730
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:29,000
"Yeah, this is a really good song. It's so fun."
731
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:33,440
And so I just said, "Why don't we just put it on repeat?"
732
00:46:33,440 --> 00:46:38,120
So we did, and we must've listened to it, like, 30 times.
733
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:41,680
All right, let me tell this story from the beginning.
734
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:45,200
I'm flying down the road with my friends Martha and Steve.
735
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:51,360
We're listening to the song over and over.
736
00:46:56,120 --> 00:46:58,280
We were smiling. We were glad.
737
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,360
We were having a blast.
738
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:03,800
You haven't seen a happier group.
739
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,440
And then...
740
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:13,960
There's this part of the song
741
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:19,320
where the-- the song slows down a bit and hits a minor key.
742
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:24,480
And I started to imagine a reality
743
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,760
where things maybe weren't so fun anymore.
744
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:32,560
I started to imagine we were losing control of the car,
745
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,480
just sliding off the road.
746
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:39,320
The car starts flipping sideways, longways.
747
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:44,160
The car's upside down.
748
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:00,200
Then, in this alternative reality, we come to a crashing halt,
749
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:02,920
all three of us gurgling on our own blood,
750
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:08,680
watching each other die slow, painful, imaginary deaths.
751
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:12,800
But if you remember, it's on repeat.
752
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:31,200
Thank you. Good night.