Original subtitles

(chorus) * JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY *

* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *

MAKE SURE AS YOU STAND THAT YOU FACE EACH OTHER.

IT'S A PET PEEVE OF MINE WHEN COUPLES LOOK LIKE THEY'RE--

THEY'RE GOING OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

EVEN DURING THE CEREMONY.

OKAY, THEN. NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE GIVING HER AWAY. UH-HUH.

AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY THE GROOM.

AND THAT WOULD MAKE YOU THE JEW.

RABBI. RABBI. OH, I'M SO SORRY.

OH, MY GOD. I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

MAY I BE REALLY HONEST, FATHER?

I'M NOT HAPPY AT ALL WITH THIS UNION. RABBI?

THERE'S A VERY OLD JOKE-- YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL

THE CHILD OF A JEW AND A CHRISTIAN? HERE WE GO.

A CHRISTIAN. (laughs)

ASSIMILATION. SEE? DIDN'T I TELL YOU? FATHER.

EXCUSE ME? DO YOU KNOW THE MOST OPPRESSED RELIGION IN AMERICA TODAY?

CHRISTIANITY.

OH. FATHER.

(Denny) HEAR, HEAR. IT'S CHRISTMASTIME.

YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS HAS BECOME VERBOTEN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORD. INTERESTING. HE SPEAKS GERMAN.

WHAT? RABBI.

(Shirley) MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL START OVER. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT BY THAT.

WELL, IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL. I JUST HAVE A LITTLE PEEVE OVER

HOW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TURNED ITS BACK ON THE HOLOCAUST. I LOVE IT. A HOLY WAR.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

HAS BEEN UNWAVERING IN ITS SUPPORT OF ISRAEL,

AT GREAT RISK TO AMERICA, I MIGHT ADD. FATHER.

MUCH OF THE VIOLENCE DIRECTED AT OUR COUNTRY

STEMS FROM OUR SUPPORT OF ISRAEL,

SUPPORT WHICH IS SURELY AS DISPROPORTIONATE--

SINCE ISRAEL PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO EXIST ANYMORE. OOH, THAT SHOULD SEAL IT.

DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAY ISRAEL SHOULDN'T EXIST?

RABBI... COME ON, RABBI.

I MEAN, IT WAS CREATED AS A REFUGE, A SAFE HAVEN FOR JEWS.

JEWS ARE DOING FINE NOW. SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

***

IT WAS UGLY. THE RABBI STORMED OUT.

THE PRIEST REFUSED TO GIVE SHIRLEY THE USE OF THE CHURCH.

WHY WERE YOU REHEARSING ON A WEDNESDAY?

DON'T THOSE THINGS U-- BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE AT THE SUPREME COURT ON FRIDAY...

(laughs) RIGHT. FILLING A DRUG PRESCRIPTION.

CHECK OUT THE HARELIP ON THAT CLERK.

DENNY, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE.

LET'S JUST GET THIS DONE WITHOUT INCIDENT.

MAY I HELP YOU?

YES, WE'D LIKE TO APPLY FOR A MOUSTACHE--

A M-MARRIAGE LICENSE.

YOU TWO ARE GETTING MARRIED?

IS THERE A REASON WE SHOULDN'T? OTHER THAN MAYBE YOU AND I SHOULD GET TOGETHER?

DENNY...

WE PLAN AN OPEN-DOOR MARRIAGE. MY CARD.

YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL. ARE YOU HETEROSEXUAL?

IS THAT A PROBLEM?

HE COMPLETES ME.

***

BOOM.

(makes popping noise)

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? IS THAT WRONG?

WELL, YES. (Alan) WHY?

WELL, IT'S A SHAM, ALAN. IT IS NOT A SHAM.

YES, IT IS NO DIFFERENT THAN TWO PEOPLE

WHO AREN'T REALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER

MARRYING FOR A GREEN CARD. FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE DENNY. I BELIEVE HE LOVES ME.

AND THERE'S NO REQUIREMENT THAT A COUPLE BE IN LOVE.

IN FACT, GIVEN THE CURRENT DIVORCE RATE, ONE MIGHT SAY

THE MOST INSIDIOUS PROBLEM WITH MARRIAGE IS THAT PEOPLE

MAKE LIFE-ALTERING DECISIONS WHILE IN LOVE.

IT'S A DRUG, A TOXIC ONE AT THAT,

AND SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO WEAR OFF.

WHAT'S TOXIC IS YOUR CYNICISM.

I THINK YOUR LITTLE SCHEME IS DISHONEST.

YOU'VE BEEN A LITTLE TESTY OF LATE.

DO ALL BRIDES GET ORNERY? I AM--

UH, YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST MOVE ON, SHALL WE?

AS YOU KNOW, THE SALE OF THE FIRM TO TSU INTERNATIONAL

HAS BEEN FINALIZED.

A NEW HEAD OF LITIGATION IS EXPECTED TO BE APPOINTED,

OSTENSIBLY TO WATCHDOG US-- I SUDDENLY LIKE THE NEW DIRECTION OF THE FIRM.

UM, I HAVE A DOCUMENT FOR MR. SHORE AND MR. CRANE?

I'LL TAKE IT. THANK YOU.

(rustles paper)

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOTICE OF AN INJUNCTION PROCEEDING

SEEKING TO STOP DENNY AND ME FROM GETTING MARRIED. WHAT?

THAT CITY HALL CLERK MUST HAVE RATTED US OUT.

(Shirley) WHO'S FILING?

THE MASSACHUSETTS CHAPTER OF THE GAY AND LESBIAN LEAGUE.

EXCUSE ME?

OF ALL THE HYPOCRISY.

KATIE, PULL UP WHATEVER LAW YOU CAN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

JERRY AND I WILL STAY FOCUSED ON THE SUPREME COURT CASE.

AS IF WE HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH TO DO. ARE WE DONE HERE?

UH... (clears throat) WE HAVE ONE MORE ITEM.

THE NEW MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE FIRM.

TO WHAT?

LET ME JUST PREFACE THIS BY SAYING THAT PERSONALLY,

I WANT MY NAME OFF THE FIRM... (chuckles) SO...

TO WHAT?

CHANG, POOLE & SCHMIDT.

***

CHANG, POOLE & SCHMIDT?

(chuckles) I SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND...

THE LOGIC.

YOUR NAME HAS SUCH RECOGNITION VALUE.

I'VE DESTROYED IT, HAVEN'T I, MY NAME?

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU KNOW...

HALF THE STUFF I DO,

THE... NONSENSE WITH THE SEX AND...

IT'S TO APPEAR COLORFUL AND LARGER THAN LIFE,

TO--TO DISTRACT PEOPLE...

FROM HOW TRULY SMALL I'VE BECOME.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET YOU SULK AND RUIN MY WEDDING DAY.

(chuckles) WE'LL OPEN OUR OWN FIRM.

WE DON'T NEED THEM. WE'LL OVERTURN IT.

THE SUPREME COURT WILL NEVER SIDE WITH THE CHINESE ON THIS.

NO WAY.

DENNY, WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPREME COURT

TO GET THE DRUG.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M JUST SAYING...

***

WELL?

(sighs)

HE NOW SAYS THAT HE MIGHT MARRY US,

BUT NOT IN THE CHURCH,

WHICH IS, OF COURSE, WHAT I WANTED MOST.

ALL RIGHT. SO WE FIND ANOTHER CHURCH.

UH, CARL, D-DID YOU THINK

IT WAS REALLY THE SMARTEST IDEA

TO BRING IN THAT PARTICULAR RABBI? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, HE'S A FLAMING BIGOT. OH.

I MEAN, THE CATHOLICS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOLOCAUST?

HE DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE.

HE SAID THEY TURNED THEIR BACKS, WHICH IS TRUE.

CAN WE DISCUSS THE PRIEST'S LITTLE GEM?

ISRAEL DOESN'T NEED TO EXIST? WELL, THAT'S A POLITICAL ARGUMENT.

POLITICAL? YES, AND MANY PEOPLE HAVE EXPRESSED IT.

OH! PALESTINIANS LIVING IN ISRAEL WILL SOON OUTNUMBER THE JEWS.

THE IDEA OF IT CONTINUING AS A JEWISH STATE-- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING THIS.

WELL, UH, CERTAINLY, YOU'VE HEARD IT BEFORE. NOT FROM YOU.

I'M NOT SUPPORTING THE IDEA-- OH, NO, BUT YOU'RE DEFENDING A PRIEST WHO IS...

PLEASE DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME. SUPPORTING IT, AND YOU'RE CALLING THE RABBI A BIGOT?

YEAH, A BIG ONE. REALLY? FIRST THE CHINESE. NOW THE JEWS. WHO'S NEXT?

YOU. GET OUT.

OH, WITH PLEASURE.

(door slams)

***

SO BASICALLY, THIS MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT MONEY?

JUDGE, I WOULD GUESS A LOT OF MARRIAGES ARE.

IF YOU TRACE THE INSTITUTION TO ITS ORIGINS,

YOU'LL DISCOVER THAT MARRIAGE HAD ITS ROOTS IN ECONOMICS.

NOT LOVE, MONEY.

I FIND IT OFFENSIVE. WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

SPEAKING AS A GAY MAN, WE HAVE HAD TO FIGHT LONG AND HARD

FOR THIS RIGHT.

WE HAVE SUFFERED RIDICULE, HATRED, GAY BASHING.

YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE ALL-BOYS CHOIR.

WE'RE WITH YOU ON THAT. NO, YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF IT BY--

WE'RE DOING NO SUCH THING. YOU'RE BLATANT HETEROSEXUALS.

SO WHAT? ARE YOU PROPOSING A RULE

THAT EVERY COUPLE BE SEXUALLY ACTIVE OR PROCREATIONAL?

'CAUSE THAT ONE'S BEEN USED AGAINST YOU.

YOUR HONOR, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

AND CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENTS HAVE BEEN WARNING OF.

IF WE ALLOW SAME-SEX MARRIAGE, WHAT NEXT?

WELL, THIS IS WHAT'S NEXT.

YOU WILL SEE PEOPLE EXPLOITING SAME-SEX UNIONS TO CIRCUMVENT-- YOU HYPOCRITE.

ALL RIGHT. HE'S SUGGESTING WE GO INTO SOME KIND OF DISCOVERY

AS TO WHY TWO PEOPLE WANT TO MARRY,

THE VERY KIND OF INVASIVE LEGISLATION--

THIS DOES SEEM A BIT CYNICAL.

YOU ARE BASICALLY WANTING TO MARRY DENNY CRANE

TO SKIRT TAX LAWS.

YOUR HONOR, IN THIS DAY AND AGE,

THE PRESERVATION OF WEALTH IS PARAMOUNT.

AND I'M SORRY, BEFORE I SEE MR. CRANE'S MONEY

GO TO FUND I-IMMORAL WARS

OR LESS MORAL GOVERNMENT BAILOUTS,

I'D RATHER SEE IT GO TO ME.

THE PLANS I HAVE FOR IT ARE FAR MORE PHILANTHROPIC.

AND BY THE WAY, I LOVE HIM, OKAY?

I LOVE THE MAN. HE LOVES ME. WE'RE PARTNERS.

TO SAY THAT WE CANNOT GET MARRIED

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE SEX IS, UH,

JUST AS PREPOSTEROUS AND BIGOTED AS BANNING MARRIAGE

BASED ON WHO A PERSON CHOOSES TO HAVE SEX WITH.

HE WILL BE FUELING THE FIRE TO PASS

A CONSTITUTIONAL BAN AGAINST-- YOU'RE THE ONE STOKING THE EMBERS.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT MONEY.

THERE ARE MEDICAL REASONS.

HE HAPPENS TO BE SUFFERING FROM AN INCURABLE ILLNESS-- YOU CAN DO THAT BY PROXY.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO. HE WANTS A PARTNER, A LEGAL SPOUSE.

WHY? THAT'S HIS PREROGATIVE, HIS PRIVACY.

DO YOU SEEK TO INVADE THAT, TOO? ALL RIGHT. I HAVE HEARD THE ARGUMENTS.

LET ME TAKE AN HOUR, AND I WILL DECIDE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'LL BE STIRRING UP.

ALL RIGHT.

***

***

IS SHE NOT BEAUTIFUL?

WHO IS SHE?

OPPOSING COUNSEL.

SHE'S ARGUING FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

FLYING IN FROM TENNESSEE. IT'S ALL GOOD, ALAN.

SHE'S HOT, AND DOCTORS SAY BLOOD FLOW IN ANY DIRECTION

IS GOOD FOR MY BRAIN. ARE YOU PACKED?

'CAUSE WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT FROM COURT TO THE AIRPORT.

WILL YOU STOP NAGGING ME? WE'RE NOT MARRIED YET. JUST GET PACKED.

***

THIS IS CRAZY.

NEITHER OF US ARE VERY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

WE'VE NEVER EVEN TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE.

WHY ARE WE LETTING THIS NONSENSE STAND IN OUR WAY?

WELL, MOST PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT RELIGION,

AND IT DOESN'T ENTER INTO OUR DAILY LIVES,

BUT IT IS NEVERTHELESS A VALUE,

AND IT'S OBVIOUS

THAT YOU AND I HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES, CARL.

RELIGION'S NOT A VALUE.

SPIRITUALITY? YES. BELIEF IN GOD? OKAY.

BUT RELIGION ITSELF? UH... IT'S A DISCIPLINE,

ONE THAT PRETENDS TO BE ABOUT LOVE, FAMILY AND CHARITY,

TOO OFTEN IS A VEHICLE OF HATRED AND WAR.

(laughs) YEAH, WELL, IT'S STIRRING UP

A LITTLE WAR RIGHT NOW BETWEEN YOU AND ME. (mutters)

AND IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF

THAT IT IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS,

BUT YOU GET ALL YOUR Y-- YOM KIPPUR,

ROSH HASHANAH, HANUKKAH, PASSOVER.

MY GOD, YOU HAVE A GAZILLION OF THEM.

(mutters)

(exhales deeply) PAUL.

LITTLE BIT OF GOOD NEWS.

THE... DREADED MONSTER

THAT THEY'RE BRINGING IN TO OVERSEE LITIGATION?

DO WE KNOW WHO IT IS?

WE DO. ME.

AH. FOR WHATEVER REASON, I SEEM TO HAVE THEIR TRUST.

WELL, THAT-- THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

YES.

IS THERE BAD NEWS?

SHIRLEY, I DON'T THINK I CAN SAVE DENNY.

WELL, THEN IT'S A MOOT POINT, FIGHTING FOR ME OR ALAN

OR CARL, PROBABLY JERRY, MAYBE KATIE.

IF YOU TALKED TO THE OTHERS-- I WON'T.

(sighs) SHIRLEY, COME ON.

WE'VE GOT TO FACE IT THAT DENNY--

COULD GET BETTER.

IF HE GETS THIS DRUG-- IT IS SHOWING A LOT OF PROMISE--

DENNY COULD IMPROVE.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

I DO FIND THIS UNION TO BE PRIMARILY BASED ON MONEY.

I ALSO AGREE WITH MR. PINNARD--

THIS IS THE EXACT KIND OF EXPLOITATION

THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT AND OTHERS FEARED.

BUT I ALSO RECOGNIZE, PEOPLE MARRY FOR ALL SORTS OF REASONS.

IT'S NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S PLACE TO ASK WHY.

MR. PINNARD, THERE ARE MANY GAYS WHO MARRY HETEROSEXUALS.

ALSO GAYS WHO MARRY GAYS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO START A FAMILY, BE CO-PARENTS--

NOTHING TO DO WITH ROMANTIC LOVE.

I HARDLY THINK YOU BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD STEP IN

AND STOP THAT.

SAME-SEX UNIONS ARE LEGAL IN MASSACHUSETTS.

YOUR MOTION FOR AN INJUNCTION IS DENIED.

(Mendelssohn's "Wedding March from

'A Midsummer Night's Dream'" playing)

THE DOCK ON NIMMO BAY.

WE'LL GO DIRECTLY FROM D.C.

WE'RE GONNA NEED SOMEBODY FROM MASSACHUSETTS

TO PERFORM THE CEREMONY.

YOUR HONOR, BY ANY CHANCE DO YOU LIKE TO FISH?

(man speaking foreign language)

YOU CAN KEEP THE OTHERS IF YOU FEEL IT IS WARRANTED,

BUT DENNY CRANE ABSOLUTELY MUST GO.

THE LAWYERS HERE ARE EXTREMELY LOYAL TO HIM.

(translates in foreign language)

IT DOESN'T MATTER. THE MAN IS MENTALLY UNBALANCED.

HE'S A DANGER TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS

AND CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO STAY. I WILL TELL YOU THIS RIGHT NOW--

I WOULD NOT WANT TO RISK LOSING ALAN SHORE.

(translates) ...ALAN SHORE.

MR. SHORE... (speaking foreign language) MR. SHORE NEEDS TO BE REINED IN.

WE UNDERSTAND HE IS A BRILLIANT ATTORNEY,

BUT HE IS UNDISCIPLINED...

AND ALSO NEEDS OVERSEEING.

WE ARE NOT AFRAID TO LOSE HIM

IF WE MUST, IN TIME.

***

DENNY, SHOULDN'T WE JUST GO UP TO THE ROOM?

WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

NOT TO MENTION, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK PUFFY ON MY WEDDING DAY.

LET'S GET A NIGHTCAP. IT'LL SETTLE OUR NERVES.

I HEAR HILLARY COMES HERE. (laughs) DENNY, SHE D--

I JUST WANT TO MEET HER ONCE BEFORE YOU AND I--

YOU KNOW, I THINK SHE'D LIKE ME.

I HAVE A FEELING ABOUT US. YOU AND HILLARY?

YEAH. WE'RE B--

WHAT?

THAT'S HER.

HILLARY?

UH, WONDER GIRL FROM TENNESSEE.

SHE'S AT THE BAR. BET SHE'S STAYING AT THE SAME HOTEL.

WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IF I COULD MAKE HER SEE ME AS A HUMAN BEING,

SHE'LL HAVE MERCY ON OUR CASE TOMORROW. BUT SHE WON'T SEE YOU AS A HUMAN BEING.

YOU'LL REVEAL YOURSELF TO BE THE ANIMAL THAT YOU ARE. OH, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

YOU KNOW, I--I'M GOING UP TO THE ROOM.

I'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO GO OVER-- I'LL SEE YOU UP THERE.

DENNY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO THAT WOMAN

THAT SHE COULD USE AGAINST US TOMORROW. I WON'T. (clicks tongue)

(instrumental version

of "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem" playing)

DOUBLE SCOTCH.

***

MITCH SHOEMAKER. HELLO.

IT'D BE A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MITCH, IF I HAD TIME.

UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T. THANKS. WHATEVER SHE'S DRINKING.

SHE'S NOT.

***

LOOK, I'M NOT HITTING ON YOU.

I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GRANDFATHER.

(sighs)

IN FACT, YOU REMIND ME OF MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

HAVE YOU GOT A GRANDPA? IS HE IN GOOD HEALTH?

A LOT OF THEM AREN'T.

MITCH, UH... CAN I CALL YOU MITCH?

'CAUSE YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A DENNY TO ME.

MM. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE VERY FAMOUS.

WELL, I WON'T BORE YOU WITH MY USUAL NONSENSE.

YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY NICE YOUNG LADY.

I HAVE, UM, ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

OVER FIVE MILLION AMERICANS DO, INCLUDING MY OWN GRANDMOTHER.

SO Y-YOU KNOW.

HOW CAN YOU, UH,

TAKE THE POSITION YOU'RE TAKING IF--IF YOU KNOW?

I WOULD THINK

YOU'D WANT YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO HAVE DIMEBOLIN.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE DATA? IT--IT HELPS WITH COGNITION, MEMORY.

COULD BE A LIFESAVER.

AND IT'S ONLY COMPLETED TWO TRIALS.

THERE'S STILL A LOT OF TESTING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

WHAT STAGE IS SHE IN, YOUR GRANDMA?

3.

THEN SHE'S LUCID ENOUGH TO KNOW

WHAT YOU'LL BE ARGUING TOMORROW.

I'M NOT GOING TO DISCUSS MY FAMILY WITH YOU, MR. CRANE.

WHAT I CAN TELL YOU... THERE'S A VERY HUMAN FACE

ON EVERY ONE OF THOSE FIVE MILLION PEOPLE,

INCLUDING YOU.

AND TOMORROW, I'LL BE FIGHTING FOR ALL OF THEM, INCLUDING YOU.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. CRANE.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE GREAT HALL.

***

OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ.

ALL PERSONS HAVING BUSINESS BEFORE THE HONORABLE...

DO YOU THINK THEY REMEMBER US? THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES...

HOW COULD THEY NOT? ARE ADMONISHED TO DRAW NEAR AND GIVE THEIR ATTENTION...

LOOK AT GINSBURG.

FOR THE COURT IS NOW SITTING. DOES THE WOMAN NOT WANT ME?

GOD SAVE THE UNITED STATES AND THIS HONORABLE COURT. THE WOMAN'S IN HEAT.

CLARENCE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS YOU, TOO, DENNY.

CHECK OUT SCALIA. CHEERY McCHUCKLES.

***

ALITO LOOKS GLAD TO SEE US.

GOD, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.

ALL RIGHT, MS. BROOKS, LET'S START WITH YOU.

THANK YOU, MR. CHIEF JUSTICE.

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT,

THE RIGHT OF THE TERMINALLY ILL TO USE EXPERIMENTAL DRUGS

IS NOWHERE GUARANTEED IN OUR CONSTITUTION. SO WHAT?

DOES EVERY RIGHT HAVE TO BE BESTOWED BY THE CONSTITUTION?

CERTAINLY NOT, YOUR HONOR, BUT IN THE ABSENCE OF ANY LAW

OR LEGISLATIVE INTENT, WHICH PROVIDES-- COME ON, COUNSEL.

IF THIS MAN IS DYING OF AN INCURABLE DISEASE,

WHY NOT GIVE HIM THE UNAPPROVED DRUG?

WHO DOES IT HURT? FIRST OF ALL, MR. CRANE IS NOT NECESSARILY TERMINAL. HE'S--

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT ALZHEIMER'S WE DON'T?

I KNOW THE DISEASE CAN TAKE UNPREDICTABLE COURSES,

PARTICULARLY WHEN IT COMES TO PROGRESSION. AND ALL WITH THE SAME ENDING.

THE F.D.A. BANS EXPERIMENTAL DRUG USE WITH GOOD REASON,

BECAUSE THIS DOES NOT JUST INVOLVE THE INDIVIDUAL PATIENT.

IF UNTESTED DRUGS ARE SUDDENLY MADE AVAILABLE,

PEOPLE WILL FORGO ENTERING INTO CLINICAL DRUG TRIALS.

PROMISING DRUGS MIGHT NOT BE STUDIED,

AND THEREFORE, NEVER REACH THE MARKET.

THAT HURTS-- OVER FIVE MILLION PEOPLE HAVE ALZHEIMER'S.

SOMETHING TELLS ME

WE'D HAVE PLENTY OF SUBJECTS FOR CLINICAL TRIALS.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, JUSTICE SCALIA,

IF PEOPLE CAN SIMPLY BUY THE DRUG,

THEY WON'T CHOOSE TO ENTER INTO A CLINICAL STUDY

WHERE THEY COULD RISK GETTING A PLACEBO.

WHY SHOULDN'T A PERSON HAVE A RIGHT TO MEDICAL SELF-DEFENSE?

THIS COURT REJECTED THAT RIGHT IN--

IN MARIJUANA CASES WHERE THERE WERE OTHER TREATMENTS AVAILABLE.

WE LET WOMEN ABORT VIABLE FETUSES

TO PROTECT THEIR OWN LIVES.

A PERSON MAY SHOOT AN ATTACKER DEAD IN SELF-DEFENSE.

SHOULDN'T THIS MAN BE ABLE TO TAKE A DRUG

TO SAVE HIMSELF,

UH, ESPECIALLY, IF, UH, IT'S HIS ONLY HOPE?

NO. FIRST OF ALL, DYING PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO ASSUME ANY RISK,

INCLUDING TAKING DANGEROUS, UNTESTED DRUGS,

WHICH COULD KILL THEM SOONER.

BUT AGAIN, WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE--

THE DOWNSIDE IS CLINICAL TRIALS GET SHORTCHANGED,

INTERFERED WITH.

THE SAFETY AND EFFICACY OF THESE DRUGS IS AT STAKE,

NOT TO MENTION MILLIONS OF LIVES.

MY GRANDMOTHER HAS ALZHEIMER'S.

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE FIVE MILLION PEOPLE.

SHE SITS AT HOME WAITING FOR A CURE,

DESPERATE FOR F.D.A. APPROVAL, WHICH COULD VERY WELL BE DELAYED

BY LETTING...

WE'VE SEEN HOW PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES WORK.

IT'S NOT ABOUT FINDING CURES

SO MUCH AS IT IS FINDING MARKETS, SELLING.

IF THEY GET TO PEDDLE PROMISING BUT UNTESTED DRUGS,

WE ALL KNOW THEY'LL DO IT.

DRUGS THAT ENGENDER FALSE HOPES,

ONES WITH HIGHER PROFIT MARGINS IF THEY GET TO SKIP THE TESTING.

INVESTORS WILL PUMP THEIR MONEY

INTO SNAKE OILS THAT DRESS UP WELL.

THIS IS NOT A SCRUPULOUS INDUSTRY, YOUR HONOR.

THEY MOST CERTAINLY DON'T DESERVE

A PASS ON CLINICAL TRAILS,

AND THAT IS WHAT WILL EFFECTIVELY HAPPEN

IF UNTESTED DRUGS ARE OKAYED BY THIS COURT. THIS WOMAN IS GOOD.

***

WOULD YOU FORGIVE A BRIDEZILLA

GOING A LITTLE NUTS DURING HER WEDDING WEEK?

I'M SORRY, CARL.

I WANTED TO GET MARRIED IN A CHURCH.

I WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE SO PERFECT

BECAUSE I'M MARRYING THE GREATEST MAN

I HAVE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED AND...

DO YOU STILL WANT ME?

OF COURSE I WANT YOU.

IF--IF YOU WANT

TO RAISE THE KIDS JEWISH, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

(gasps) EVEN WITH ALL THE GAZILLIONS OF HOLIDAYS?

(laughs)

THE ONLY THING

I REALLY CARE ABOUT--

I-I DO WANT TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS--

BUT THERE'S ONE THING I REALLY CARE ABOUT,

AND THAT IS GETTING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.

SO IF YOU WANT TO ELOPE, LET'S DO IT.

I TALKED TO DENNY.

HE AND ALAN HAVE A JUDGE,

AND THEY'RE FLYING UP TO NIMMO BAY TO GET MARRIED.

HE PROPOSES WE JOIN, MAKE IT A JOINT CEREMONY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD.

OH, YES!

I HAD MY HEART SET ON A CHURCH,

BUT FAILING THAT, A FISHING LODGE.

(laughs) IT'S NOT JUST A FISHING LODGE, I'M TOLD.

SHIRLEY, WE COULD BE MARRIED BY THIS TIME SATURDAY.

HMM.

YOU'VE CERTAINLY COME A LONG WAY, MR. FUDDY-DUDDY.

OH, DARLING, WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH LONGER

WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER?

A ROAD TRIP COULD BE FUN.

***

WE ALREADY HAVE A PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY

OF RUSHING UNSAFE DRUGS TO THE MARKET--IT'S EPIDEMIC.

AND AS SOON AS WE ALLOW PATIENTS,

ESPECIALLY THE DESPERATE ONES, TO EXEMPT DRUGS FROM TESTING,

IT IS GOING TO GET EXPONENTIALLY WORSE.

FEWER PEOPLE WILL BE SAVED. RATHER, MORE WILL DIE.

SCIENCE TRUMPED BY FALSE HOPE AND PERMISSIVE ADVERTISING AND--

MS. BROOKS, THE RED LIGHT HAS BEEN ON FOR SOME TIME.

IF I COULD JUST ADD--

NO. YOU'VE EXCEEDED YOUR LIMIT.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GET A LITTLE BAND TO PLAY PEOPLE OFF,

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OSCARS OR THE EMMYS.

JUST A THOUGHT.

***

OKAY, BEFORE WE EVEN GET STARTED,

LET'S BE CLEAR ON A FEW THINGS.

THIS TIME, YOU WILL CONDUCT YOURSELF IN A MANNER

BEFITTING THIS COURT.

YOU WILL ADDRESS ONLY THE ISSUES BEFORE THIS COURT

AND NOT DERAIL YOURSELF WITH A SPIRALING RANT

THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN... WHAT IS THAT?

OH. (laughs) I'M VERY SORRY.

I HAVE A-A TENDENCY TO NOT, UH, NOTICE THE LITTLE RED LIGHT,

UH, SO I PROGRAMMED MY TIE

TO ALSO ALERT ME WHEN I'VE BEEN TALKING TOO LONG.

EVIDENTLY, MY TIE THINKS THAT YOU HAVE. THOUGH PERSONALLY, I-- TURN IT OFF. RIGHT NOW.

YES, SIR.

WE GO WAY BACK.

OKAY, MR. SHORE, YOUR TIME IS STARTING RIGHT NOW.

USE IT WISELY.

THANK YOU, MR. CHIEF JUSTICE.

LET ME BEGIN

BY EXTENDING A SPECIAL GREETING TO JUSTICE THOMAS.

JUSTICE THOMAS.

STILL THE CHATTY CATHY. OKAY.

WHERE TO BEGIN. LET'S BEGIN WITH YOUR BRIEF,

WHICH WAS CONSPICUOUSLY THIN ON CASE LAW.

THAT'S BECAUSE MOST OF THE CASE LAW DOESN'T SUPPORT US.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST,

THIS COURT ISN'T THAT BIG ON PRECEDENT ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT?

I MEAN, WE'VE HAD 200 YEARS OF THE SUPREME COURT.

NOT ONE FOUND A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS,

BUT YOU HAPPEN TO LIKE GUNS, SO WHAT THE HELL? (chuckles)

ESTABLISHED CASE LAW ALSO, UH, TELLS US

THAT TORTURE AND DENIAL OF DUE PROCESS ARE BAD,

BUT EVIDENTLY, YOU FAVOR BOTH,

SO IN THE GUANTáNAMO CASE, THE BIG NEVER MIND.

YOU PEOPLE THROW OUT PRECEDENT WITH THE MORNING TRASH HERE. MR. SHORE, I'M CURIOUS.

THAT I DIDN'T KNOW. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY POSSESS YOU

TO WANT TO COME IN HERE AND BE COCKY?

DO YOU THINK THIS HELPS YOUR CLIENT?

ACTUALLY, UH, THE REASON I AM A LITTLE COCKY

IS BECAUSE MY CLIENT, DENNY CRANE,

IS THE LITTLE GUY HERE,

AND THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS ALWAYS,

ALWAYS STOOD UP FOR THE LITTLE GUY,

AS THEY DID FOR OLIVER BROWN,

A BLACK MAN WHO FOUGHT FOR HIS THIRD-GRADE DAUGHTER

TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE SAME ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

AS HER BEST FRIEND, WHO WAS WHITE.

THOUGH, OF COURSE, THIS PARTICULAR SUPREME COURT

HAS GUTTED BROWN vs. BOARD OF EDUCATION

BECAUSE PRECEDENT, AS WE SAID, WHO NEEDS IT? BUT--

COUNSEL, I GAVE YOU AN EXPRESS DIRECTIVE

TO STICK TO THIS CASE.

YES, GETTING TO IT, YOUR HONOR.

UH, YOU SEE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW

THE LITTLE GUY IS DUE IN THIS COURT.

THAT'S WHY I'M CONFIDENT.

THE LITTLE GUY HAS BEEN TAKING

SUCH A BEATING OF LATE IN THIS ROOM,

I JUST KNOW HE'S DUE. OH, YOU THINK THE LITTLE GUY LOSES OUT WITH US?

DON'T YOU?

COME ON--ENRON, THE MAKERS OF MEDICAL DEVICES--

THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY HAS DONE VERY WELL HERE.

THIS COURT HEARD SEVEN ANTITRUST CASES IN ITS FIRST TWO TERMS

AND DECIDED ALL OF THEM IN FAVOR OF BIG CORPORATE DEFENDANTS.

AND, OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST PLAYER ON THE BLOCK,

THE GOVERNMENT, ALWAYS SEEMS TO WIN.

AND THEN ON THE OTHER END OF THAT PARTICULAR SEESAW,

DOWN THERE STUCK IN THE MUD, WE HAVE THE LOSERS--

THE CRIMINAL DEFENDANTS. FORGET IT. MY GOD.

JUST LAST MONTH, YOU TURNED DOWN

A STAY OF EXECUTION FOR A GEORGIA MAN

EVEN THOUGH SEVEN OF THE NINE PROSECUTION WITNESSES RECANTED.

I GUESS YOU JUST COULDN'T BE BOTHERED WITH HIS INNOCENCE.

MAYBE IT WAS A FRIDAY, AND YOU HAD PLANS.

ANYTIME YOU WANT TO WEIGH IN, JUSTICE THOMAS,

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE WAVE. COUNSEL, I HAVE PLANS.

TODAY. I HAVE A FLIGHT BOOKED AT 1:00 FOR A VACATION

WHICH I HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

AND I WILL MAKE THAT FLIGHT, COUNSEL,

WHICH MEANS AS SOON AS THAT RED LIGHT BLINKS-- YES, YOUR HONOR, I PROMISE

YOU'LL BE OUT OF HERE AND ON VACATION IN A JIFFY.

A-AND SPEAKING FOR ALL AMERICANS,

I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO STAY AWAY FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

BUT FIRST, THERE'S THIS MATTER OF THE LITTLE GUY.

HE'S HERE IN YOUR COURTROOM, AND HE'S DUE FOR A WIN.

MY...

CLIENT HAS ALZHEIMER'S.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

DENNY CRANE IS HARDLY A LITTLE GUY.

HE'S THE VERY BIGGEST.

HE IS RICH, HE'S FAMOUS,

HE IS ONE OF THE GIANTS OF OUR PROFESSION.

BUT THAT ISN'T REALLY WHAT MAKES HIM SO...

IT'S HIS ENORMOUS, FOOLISH HEART.

IT'S HIS BOUNDLESS GENEROSITY.

DENNY HAS A SENSE OF WONDER AND INNOCENCE

LIKE A CHILD WITH ALL OF THE WORLD BEFORE HIM.

HE HAS THAT CAPACITY FOR SHEER JOY

THAT MOST OF US SOMEHOW LOSE

ALONG THE ROAD TO ADULTHOOD.

DENNY IS MY BEST FRIEND,

AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.

IF I COULD YANK THAT HORRIBLE DISEASE OUT OF HIS BODY,

I WOULD FIGHT IT AND I WOULD WIN.

I WOULD USE EVERY OUNCE OF MY STRENGTH

AND I WOULD WIN IF I COULD...

BUT I CAN'T.

MY BEST FRIEND IS DYING OF AN INCURABLE DISEASE

THAT WILL ROB HIM OF HIMSELF

BEFORE IT FINALLY ROBS HIM OF HIS LIFE,

AND I'M SORRY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THE CASE LAW SAYS.

THE LAW... Y--

YOU SIMPLY CANNOT LOOK A DYING MAN IN THE EYE

AND SAY YOU DON'T GET THE RIGHT TO TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF.

THE LAW CANNOT POSSIBLY SAY THAT, AND IF IT DOES,

IT NEEDS TO CHANGE RIGHT NOW, TODAY. TODAY.

OUR PROBLEM, MR. SHORE,

WE HAVE TO SAFEGUARD THE MASSES.

OUR RULINGS DON'T REACH PEOPLE ONE PERSON AT A TIME. BUT WHY CAN'T THEY?

MAKE THIS RULING APPLY ONLY TO DENNY CRANE IF YOU CHOOSE TO.

JUST MAKE IT.

YOUR HONOR, DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN THIS COURT,

IN SO MANY OF ITS HOLDINGS,

IS THE INDIVIDUAL'S AUTONOMY AND PERSONAL DIGNITY.

SO TELL ME, PLEASE. EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THAT CAN APPLY HERE.

BECAUSE ALL I CAN SEE IS THAT THE INDECENCY OF A DISEASE

THAT CRIPPLES THE BODY AS IT ROTS THE BRAIN

CAN ONLY BE EXCEEDED

BY THE INHUMANITY OF KNOWING THERE'S A DRUG THAT COULD HELP

AND NOT LETTING HIM HAVE IT.

CONTRARY TO THE PUBLIC'S PERCEPTION,

I THINK, WHEN ASKED, MOST JUDGES AND LAWYERS WOULD SAY

THE REASON THEY FIRST WENT TO LAW SCHOOL

WAS SIMPLY TO HELP PEOPLE.

THIS MAN I LOVE,

MY FRIEND,

DESPERATELY NEEDS YOUR HELP.

I BEG THE NINE OF YOU TO LOOK WITHIN YOURSELVES

AND REVISIT THAT QUESTION.

WHY DID YOU GO TO LAW SCHOOL?

WHY DID YOU WANT TO SIT UP THERE AND WEAR THAT ROBE?

BECAUSE TODAY, THIS EXPERIMENTAL DRUG

ISN'T REALLY DENNY CRANE'S LAST, BEST HOPE.

YOU ARE. YOU ARE.

(breath catches)

***

(man) * OOH

* WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING

* I HEAR THEM TING-ALINGING

* OOH, MARRYING AND BRINGING

* YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO ME

* I HEAR THE ORGAN PLAYING

(metal rattles)

YOU KNOW, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YES, AND WE WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.

THERE IT IS. NIMMO BAY.

DON'T THEY GET SNOW? INDIAN SUMMER.

* WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON

* ON OUR HONEYMOON

* WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON

* OH, OH

* OUR HONEYMOON

(band playing instrumental jazz)

ALL RIGHT, LET'S NOT WASTE TIME.

I DON'T WANT TO HONEYMOON WITH THE SALMON.

HEAVEN ON EARTH.

AH, LET'S SEND OUT FOR SOME SCOTCH.

NOTHING YOUNGER THAN 25 YEARS.

ARE THERE BEARS HERE?

ISN'T THIS THE TIME OF YEAR THEY LOOK TO FATTEN UP?

(music continues)

THIS REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL.

I'M AFRAID OF IT, BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

OH, YOU NAME IT--THE WATER, THE WOODS... CANADA.

(music continues)

STOP IT.

(laughs) THIS IS YOUR VACATION?

OH, LOOK, HE BROUGHT HIS HUNTING BUDDY.

WHERE'S THE SECRET SERVICE?

YOUR HONOR, THIS IS FATE. YOU MUST ADMIT. DON'T TALK TO ME.

I WON'T. I PROMISE. IF I COULD JUST ASK YOU ONE LITTLE THING...

I MEAN, IT CAN'T BE EX PARTE. WE'RE ON A DOCK.

COULD YOU LOOK ANY SILLIER? I KNOW YOU CAN. (laughs)

BUT HAVE YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO THINK ABOUT

THAT LITTLE FAVOR I SOUGHT TO CURRY IN COURT?

IT'S JUST THAT I'M DYING TO KNOW. DENNY IS, ACTUALLY.

ON MONDAY, THE COURT WILL ISSUE A ONE-LINE MEMO

GRANTING YOU THE USE OF THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUG.

YOU MEAN IT? I'M CURED.

I COULD JUST HUG YOU. MAY I? I'LL HAVE YOU JAILED.

YOUR HONOR, I TRULY-- I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I FEEL--MAY I CALL YOU NINO? BECAUSE-- YOU MAY NOT.

I'VE ALWAYS HEARD YOU WERE A COMPASSIONATE MAN.

NOW I KNOW IT. (laughs)

I CAME UP HERE TO FISH. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

(Alan) UH, YOUR HONOR, ONE LAST THING.

UH, DENNY AND I CAME UP HERE TO BE MARRIED.

I-I KNOW YOU WANT TO GET TO THE RIVER,

AND WE DID BRING A JUDGE OF OUR OWN,

BUT--BUT THE POSSIBILITY OF AN UPGRADE...

I AT LEAST HAVE TO ASK.

(music continues)

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS REALLY FAST.

WHICH IS WHAT WE WANT. IF I MAY SAY-- NO, YOU MAY NOT.

DO YOU ALL TAKE YOUR RESPECTIVE PARTIES

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED PARTNERS,

TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY TILL DEATH DO YOU PART? UH, YOUR HONOR,

THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT-- DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS?

(Carl, Shirley, Alan and Denny) WE DO. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU--

(Carl and Alan) NO, WAIT.

WE WERE SAYING "WE DO" TO THE QUESTION

DO WE WANT YOU TO DO IT.

MR. SHORE, THE COHO ARE JUMPING AT SEYMOUR FALLS.

YOUR HONOR, THIS IS OUR WEDDING DAY.

(sighs)

JOIN HANDS.

ARE YOU GONNA BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS? BECAUSE IF NOT--

ALAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

DO YOU, CARL AND DENNY RESPECTIVELY,

TAKE SHIRLEY AND ALAN RESPECTIVELY,

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED PARTNERS,

TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY--

AND CHERISH. ESPECIALLY CHERISH.

AND CHERISH... TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

I DO.

AND DO YOU, SHIRLEY AND ALAN RESPECTIVELY,

TAKE CARL AND DENNY RESPECTIVELY,

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED PARTNERS,

TO LOVE, HONOR, OBEY AND CHERISH

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

I DO.

YOU ALL UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MARRIED?

THIS IS A SACRED THING.

THE COMMITMENT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER,

TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT...

DO YOU REALLY ALL GET THAT?

WE GET IT, YOUR HONOR.

LOOK AT ME.

BY THE POWERS VESTED IN ME AS JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT

AND BY THE POWERS

OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS--

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR CANADA--

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE...

AND YOU HUSBAND AND HUSBAND.

WHAT GOD HAS BROUGHT TOGETHER,

LET NO MAN AND NO COURT TEAR ASUNDER.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE. (Mendelssohn's "Wedding March from

'A Midsummer Night's Dream'" resumes) OH, UH, ONE-- ONE AT A TIME.

ALAN, YOU FIRST.

***

DENNY, GENTLY.

***

AND NOW CARL... MY HUSBAND.

***

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL. (Alan) THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOUR HONOR. THANK YOU, JUSTICE.

I LOVE YOU, MAN.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DENNY.

OH, SHIRLEY. MAY I HAVE MY WEDDING DANCE WITH YOU?

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF DANCING WITH YOU

IN THIS DRESS,

LOOKING EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DO.

DENNY, DON'T YOU THINK CARL SHOULD GET THIS DANCE?

LET HIM GRAB THE NEXT ONE. HE'S GOT YOU FOREVER.

I-I JUST, UH...

(slow jazz music playing)

(woman) * JUST FOR TONIGHT

* LET'S PRETEND WE STILL CARE

(laughs) YOU REALLY ARE A GOOD SPORT, CARL.

(laughs) I'M A GOOD SPORT?

ALAN, HAS IT SUNK IN YET... WHO YOU'RE MARRIED TO?

* LET'S DANCE A SLOW DANCE

UH, JUDGE?

WHY NOT?

* LIKE WE USED TO DO

* MOVE TO THE MUSIC

* AND SAY I LOVE YOU

* OH, PROMISE EACH OTHER

* WE'LL ALWAYS BE TRUE

* OUR LOVE'S

* NOT JUST FOR TONIGHT

* OUR LOVE'S

* NOT JUST FOR TONIGHT

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

(laughs)

LONG DAY.

BUT A GOOD ONE.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

A SPECTACULAR DAY.

WHAT COUPLES THEY MADE.

YES, THEY DID.

THANK YOU, JERRY, FOR BEING MY CHARMING DATE. MM-HMM.

AND CANADA WAS GREAT.

BEAUTIFUL.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF IT ANYMORE.

AND HOW GREAT IS THAT? YEAH.

TO CONQUER ONE'S FEAR OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY.

GREAT DAY.

FAB.

LET'S NOT MAKE OURSELVES DIZZY.

NOW... I FEEL DIZZY.

***

SOMEBODY'S BEEN HERE.

WHO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT CLEARLY SOMEBODY.

PROBABLY STAFF CELEBRATING OUR WEDDING.

THEY COULD'VE CLEANED UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE A NEAT FREAK, ARE YOU?

(laughs) DON'T START WITH ME.

I TELL YOU, ALAN...

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, I THOUGHT THE END WAS NEAR,

BUT THIS DRUG...

I CAN FEEL THE FOG LIFTING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

WE'RE MARRIED.

(laughs) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? (chuckles)

WE WILL FACE RIDICULE, DENNY, ABUSE.

DON'T BE FOOLED.

IT'S ALL WORTH IT.

I LOVE YA.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WATCHING YOU DANCE WITH SHIRLEY,

AND FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING

ONE OF YOUR MOMENTS...

WHERE YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED YOU AND SHE WERE...

HAD ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS YESTERDAY.

YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR WIFE?

NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY SON.

PROUD MOMENT FOR A DAD, I'LL TELL YOU THAT...

HAVING YOU AS MY SON.

THAT'S SOMETHING.

ARE WE GONNA STAY WITH THIS FIRM,

OR ARE WE GONNA OPEN A NEW ONE?

WE DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE TONIGHT.

LET'S JUST SIT HERE LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE.

YEAH.

AHH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS A LITTLE HURT

YOU DANCED WITH SHIRLEY INSTEAD OF-- HERE WE GO.

I'M JUST SAYING. COME ON.

WE DID GET MARRIED.

I THINK A LITTLE ATTENTION IS IN ORDER

BEFORE YOUR EYE STARTS ROVING. YOU WANTED A DANCE?

I DID. LET'S DO IT NOW.

NO, THE MOMENT HAS PASSED.

NO, IT HASN'T.

WE'RE HERE NOW. WE'RE IN THE MOMENT.

I DON'T WANT A MERCY DANCE.

IS THIS THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE?

ALAN... OUR WEDDING DANCE.

AH.

DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY, AND I WANT TO LEAD.

WHY SHOULD YOU--

YOU GOT TO LEAD WITH SHIRLEY. IT'S MY TURN. JUST DANCE.

(Louis Armstrong's "Fantastic, That's You" playing)

(laughs) YOU'RE LEADING. I'M NOT.

WELL, THEN QUIT SHOVING ME AROUND. IF YOU PLAN TO DOMINATE ME IN THIS MARRIAGE,

LET'S UNDO IT RIGHT NOW. OH, WELL, THAT'S "TILL DEATH DO US PART" COMMITMENT.

I CAN CALL SCALIA RIGHT NOW-- YOU WANT TO UNDO IT NOW.

JUST BE QUIET. SEIZE THE MOMENT.

IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

* ...VELVET VIOLINS

* MY HEAD GOES SPINNING

IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

(both laughing)

* FANTASTIC

* FANTASTIC, THAT'S YOU

* YES

* YOU PERFORM MIRACLES

* WHENEVER

* YOU HOLD ME NEAR

* TENDER, WARM MIRACLES

* THAT MAKE ME SURRENDER, DEAR

* YES

* YOU WHISPER "DARLING"

* AND BEFORE MY EYES

* A BLAZE OF FIREWORKS

* LIGHT UP THE SKIES

* NO WONDER ANGELS UP THERE

* HAVE STARING EYES

* FANTASTIC

* FANTASTIC, THAT'S YOU