Original subtitles

Come all the way up. All the way.

- 20 minutes. Hello, goodbye. - Okay.

- Evening, Mr. Thorne. - Evening, Mike.

110 blocks in under 15 minutes.

Not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.

Somebody throwing a party?

- You are, sir. - Oh, yeah?

Am I having a good time?

Well, Manhattan Fine Wines just delivered

six cases of Salon Les Mesnil.

Wow, pretty pricey stuff.

- What did I pay for it? - What do you care?

You got more money than you can even look at.

Oh, I'd like to thank you

for that little tip on the market you gave me.

The wife says the stock's gone up five points.

Good, Mike. Want some more advice?

- Sure. - Sell it.

Here, read my newsletter.

Have fun.

Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.

Evening.

Chris, look! It's us!

- Good evening, Chris. - You came!

Hi, Chris. I save it for you.

That's what she says to all the guys.

I'll get the next one. Go ahead.

Cigar.

Chris, we'll see you in the apartment.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Heya, little fella. What's your name?

Come on! Get down, get down!

Come on, girls. Get over here.

I'm sorry.

You oughta get cats. They're a lower-maintenance pet.

- Ah, here we go. - Come on, let's go.

Come on, girls.

Chris! Chris!

Hate crowds.

You new in the building?

- You all right? - Yes.

Take this.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

I never do this.

Listen, some people are throwing a party

up in my apartment.

Why don't you come up for a drink? It'll help you relax.

- What's the matter? - Oh!

That son of a bitch!

I don't believe this. That bastard!

I can't believe this!

I'll be in the penthouse if you change your mind.

Thanks for the Espresso maker.

And the bag of shit.

Howard Suntz's office.

Miriam, this is Diane. Let me talk to Howard.

I'm sorry, Ms. Lightson.

He left explicit instructions not to be disturbed.

What's going on with this landfill deal?

I'm only his goddamn lawyer. Why didn't I know about it?

He said he's doing the deal.

Your services won't be needed, professionally or personally.

Look, this is not about our personal relationship, Miriam.

This is business. Do you understand?

It's about my, my professional credentials,

my law firm's time.

Why am I talking to you? You know what?

You just tell Howard that I'm coming down there.

Excuse me.

- Oh! - Hi.

- Hi. Glad you could make it. - Thanks. Diane Lightson.

I'm from the firm of Masur and Glennet.

Chris Thorne. I'm sorry about the cold hands.

Don't worry about it.

The law firm Masur, Glennet?

Weese, Weiss, Worple, Whip Me?

- Yeah, that's the one. - What's your specialty?

Investment syndication and public flotation.

It's got to be painful. Would you like a drink?

- I'd love one. - Scotch?

Great.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, fine.

Scotch.

Are you going to the Suntz thing?

Are you kidding?

Not unless somebody holds a gun to my head.

He's a fraud. He's a rip-off artist.

It's all about buying lakes and filling them with garbage.

I don't know what set you off in the elevator,

but if I were you, I'd stay away from this Suntz guy.

Let's just say I have a personal interest

in this particular deal.

So if you're not going, can I borrow your car?

I'm a good driver.

I didn't say I'm not going.

I just said I'm not planning on going.

I mean, I may have a low opinion of the guy,

but if it's that important to you,

maybe you know something I don't.

- Maybe I should reconsider. - I really like to drive.

- I'll drive. - I mean, I'm happy to drive.

No, no. It's my car.

- I'll do the driving, okay? - Okay, great. You drive.

Drive? Who's going for a drive?

- Are you, Chris? - No, not tonight, Fausto.

When? Where?

We love to drive.

Are you going to your house in the Hamptons?

- No, no. - That's fantastic.

When are we leaving?

Very, very early, much too early for you.

How about, noon in the parking garage?

Noon is better. We love it!

- Fantastic! - Great.

I'm sorry about that.

That's Fausto and Renalda Squirinizsu.

I give them investment counseling sometimes.

They're Brazillionaires.

They have breakfast around 2:00 in the afternoon.

We'll never see them again.

Good. So I'll see you in the garage at noon.

- Okay. - Don't be late.

- I won't be late. - Good.

Morning, Mr. Thorne.

- Morning, Mike. - Fun night?

Oh, God, I can't do this.

Listen, do me a favor,

- will you? - Yes, sir.

You know Diane Lightson? She just moved in.

Yes, sir. 23-B?

Yeah. She'll be down in a couple of minutes.

Tell her, tell her I'm too tired,

I'm sick, I can't drive her,

- and- - Yes.

Give her the car with my compliments, will you?

- Certainly. - I got to get some sleep.

Gimme the keys, Mike.

Wow! What a beautiful Beemer.

Good morning.

This is a vintage, what, 733i?

- 3.3 liter? - That's right.

Had it two years, never been out of Manhattan.

Really? Well, maybe I should drive.

I'll drive.

Hey, let me get that for you.

Thank you.

Wow, this is really cherry.

Make yourself comfy.

- Thank you, Mike. - Hope you feel better, sir.

I feel great, feel fine.

What the? I don't believe this.

Should have known a Brazillionaire never forgets.

Chris!

They're not coming with us, are they?

- Look at them. - Chris!

I can't say no.

- That's a nice Beemer. - Hi, Chris!

Chris!

Chris, dude, I imagine that you did not think

- we'd be up so early. - Had no idea.

Hi, Chris.

Okay.

Chris, where are we going?

We're going to Atlantic City, Fausto.

Get in the trunk.

Good, good, good. We can see the Taj Mahal.

I love it.

I hear they call it the ninth wonder of the world.

Oh, we have the fifth in South America.

- Oh? - In Rio.

The Christ of Corcovado.

Hi, I'm Renalda.

Diane.

This is my brother, Fausto.

Chris, put this tape on.

Let's chanka.

This is nice.

We are nice.

So, how long have you been divorced?

- Four years. - You still love her?

Nah. Been over it for weeks.

Chris, this road is such a dull place.

We have a nice little surprise picnic for you.

Clean food.

Let's take the car into the countryside for a while.

Countryside?

This is the Jerseyvania Triangle.

Whole damn place is a mess of burnt-out factories,

junkyards, and coal fields.

Believe me, I know.

My grandfather was in coal commodities in the '30s.

So let's go and see them.

Nah, I don't wanna get lost.

You won't get lost.

Look at all that fancy equipment you've got.

Take the next road. Let's see if you can use all that shit.

Ah, Fausto, I think we should just keep going.

I don't understand what's the big deal.

We made a nice little surprise picnic for you,

you invited us on a drive,

and now you aren't even driving us where we want to go.

Dude, you could be a better host.

Okay. Okay, listen.

How about this?

If it won't take too long, Road 329, parallel to the Pike.

Okay, it crosses the Delaware

and then it crosses back here.

There should be beautiful river scenery

and it won't take us too far out of our way, okay?

It's your dime, lady.

Oh, this is wonderful.

I have two big mangoes!

- Oh, yes, he has the mangoes. - Do you like mangoes?

Pull over, Chris.

Oh, this is going to be wonderful!

Fausto, I don't want to stop here. Please.

Not here.

- Keep going. - Chris, pull over to a vista.

Come on, Chris.

Oh, look! A village

Morning.

Sell pork bellies, buy gold.

- Oh! - Why, Chris, look out! Oh!

- What is that, a vent pipe? - Vent pipe.

What do you wanna do, get out and kiss it?

Ai, Chris, it smells, it stinks. Go, go.

Nice town?

Evel Knievel and Mr. Clean.

Ah, this is better, this is better.

- Pull over- - I like it here.

- And find a nice table. - I'm hungry.

Let's eat right now.

Let's open the whole thing up now.

Yes, open it up. Let's see, what do we have?

- I don't see butter. - What?

What do you mean I forgot the butter?

I didn't forget the butter.

- This is marvelous. - That's Antonio.

Antonio the butler forgot the butter, not me.

- Chris, you want a drink? - I can't believe him.

- No. - Now, Diana, smile!

- Smile. - This is a nice road.

- Oh, yeah. Chris, Chris. - It's nice.

Smile. I got you in the mirror.

- Smile. - Oh, no. A cop.

Oh!

Were you speeding?

65. That's the national speed limit.

Well, not everywhere. It said 50 back there.

50? Why didn't you tell me?

You don't have to stop.

What? Right.

Let's get out the guns and blow out his front tires.

Are you crazy?

Of course I'm gonna stop. He's a policeman.

What are you talking about, dude?

This is a provincial cop, man.

With this car, you could easily get away from him.

Let's see if we could do 90.

Are you kidding? This baby'll do 130.

- Oh, so let's do it! - Good. Let's go.

Go. Go, Chris.

Thorne, for Christ's sake, go.

Go, man.

You wimp chicken, let's go!

Hit it! Push it!

This is a little goddamn hamlet.

Chris, go!

Here we go.

- Push it! - I don't know about this.

I don't know.

Go, Chris. Come on, Chris, go.

Don't be scared. Push it!

We're winning!

You have a BMW. Act like it.

Faster!

Now I think you may be breaking the law.

- Oh, forget about the law! - Oh, but it is smooth,

isn't it?

Jeez, he's got a fast car too.

Oh, shh.

Chris, Chris, move it.

For Christ's sakes, move it, Chris.

Maybe we better stop.

No.

No, I think I can lose him.

Pull your vehicle over now please.

Pull over now.

What the hell is that?

Oh!

Detour!

- Chris, watch out! - Well, here we go!

He still with us?

- Push it, Chris! - Where the hell are we?

Go to the left! Go to the left!

Get over. Get over.

Oh, shh!

Be careful on this side!

I'll do the driving, all right?

Just come on, get over!

Will you be quiet, Fausto? Just let me drive, all right?

Sir, this is a heavily-traveled

industrial artery.

These trucks own this road.

Oh, man. I just wanna get to Atlantic city.

Sir, these speeds are not

advisable through here.

Oh, no!

Everybody relax.

All they can do is cite me and hand me a bunch of tickets.

I'll pay 'em, and we'll be on our way back to the turnpike.

Oh, I see. It's all my fault now.

Folks, meet Andy Griffith.

Good afternoon.

Driver, step outside the car please.

Was I speeding?

Sorry, wasn't sure you were a real cop,

and, please,

I mean that in a complimentary sense.

That's okay.

There's no law against having a sense of humor.

Now turn around, put your hands

on the roof of the car please, sir.

There you go, sir. Spread 'em.

Ah, come on, now, really?

- Come on. Spread 'em. - Spread 'em?

Oh! Yeah, that's nice, thanks.

The lower back please.

Thank you. Yeah.

Check the prostate. That's nice.

Oh! All right.

Thank you.

I got an itch right up in there.

That's good. Thank you.

Not today, sir.

Turn around.

May I see your license, registration, and insurance please?

What's the charge?

You were speeding,

but that's not why I began to follow you, sir.

Back there in the village,

you failed to make a full stop at the intersection.

Oh, really? Oh, I didn't even notice.

Well, as I say, that's the initial reason

why I followed you, and why you're under arrest now.

The speeding and reckless evasion

will be overlooked, if you cooperate now

and quietly get in your car and follow me.

- Clear? - No, sir. Sir.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This may be Valkenvania,

but it is still America,

and we have an appointment at Atlantic City,

so we'd just like to get going.

Wouldn't mind, will you just write a ticket here,

or we could settle it some other way, perhaps?

Step back please.

I understand, sir,

but, you see, that's not the way things work around here.

You're gonna have to follow me a ways to the reeve,

then it's up to him how we proceed.

Reeve?

The local justice of the peace.

Now, I'm planning not to mention the speeding to him,

so I suggest you come quietly and immediately,

unless you want more trouble than you're already gargling.

Ai. What's that beeping?

It means we're off the map on this cartridge.

What time does Suntz start the hype?

Six o'clock. It's 3:30 now.

We can still make it if you just let me do the talking.

Look at this metal sculpture.

They must be into folk art.

Folk 'em.

What is that, music?

They're piping in music.

"Enjoy your stay. "

What is this place?

My God.

So that's where they buried Flipper.

Flipper's dead?

"Village J.P."

"Shire Reeve."

It's like Robin Hood. "Be polite. "

Oh, and no cussing.

Shit.

Wow! Look at all these toasters.

There is a negativity about this place.

"Valkenheiser Salvage." "Trespassers will be shot."

Oh, come on.

There's a funky karma here, man.

- Is this a joke? - Ai, ai, ai, I hope so,

because I don't think I like it here at all.

Where the hell are we?

Listen, do we have to get out here?

"Valkenvania Courts and Schools, 1898."

Valkenvania.

Ai.

File in. Reassemble.

Lucy, I'm home!

Oh, yeah. It's old, it's old.

Right this way, folks.

Wait. I'm entitled to one phone call.

Surely, and you're more than welcome to make one,

if we had a phone.

- There's one in my car. - Car's been impounded.

Impounded? Already?

Step up to the railing. Please.

May I have your IDs, everyone please?

I already have yours, Mr. Thorne.

Thank you. Thank you.

These trials usually last only a couple minutes.

Revolving District Court for the village

and shire of Valkenvania is now in order!

The Honorable Reeve Alvin Valkenheiser presides.

Okay, Dennis, gimme their licenses, ID,

toll tickets, report cards, notes from the teacher.

There you go, Judge.

Traffic violation. Contravention of village bylaw 23.

Failing in the execution of a full stop

at a place so marked.

I recommend fine, bond, and release.

What else you wanna do for 'em, bake 'em a pie?

Okay here.

Who's Christopher Lawrence Thorne?

That's me, Your Honor.

Thorne Financial Publishing, Water Street, New York.

Okay.

- Banker? - No, no. No, banker, no.

Financial publishing.

- Thorne's Weekly? - Okay. Banker.

Oh, here.

Well, look at this. Passports.

I will have you know that my brother Fausto and I

enjoy diplomatic immunity in this country.

Oh, yay, well,

and you are the Fausto and Renalda Squirrriinii?

Squiriniz?

Siz, Siz, Sizwi. Sizwi?

Friends of the bride.

Yeah, that's right. We all wanna get married.

No, sir. No wedding.

Moving violation. Failure to stop.

Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing,

and we'll be on our way.

Oh, I will let you be on your way, and,

ah, when you go, the cat's eyes'll spin!

Now, listen!

Okay. We'll listen.

A-hey, hey, ho, ha, ho!

Hula, hula, hula, the boola, boola, boola!

Look who's got the front seats of the Mexican hat dance now.

Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake.

You might be interested to know

that you are not under the jurisdiction

of just any old fishing license dispenser

and stamp-pad jockey!

We've always been set to deal with the offenders,

once and for all, at their first appearance,

quick as sump grease through a 10-year-old goose.

Congratulations.

I'm glad to know things are running smoothly for you.

Put out that dog rocket!

Oh, sir, sorry.

In 1796, my forefathers established this seat,

after the tenets of the old shire charter.

Shire charter?

Excuse me, sir, that's pre-Magna Carta.

I mean, serfdom and fiefdom stuff.

Very good, young lady.

You know, you and I

ought to spend a little more time together.

Well, I'd, I'd like that.

Would ya?

Well, then, more on how they packed me off

to Farmers' Mechanics' University, in Gracefield, Ohio,

for my engineering degree.

And how I fought the Germans in World War I later.

- But for now. - Later?

Wait, ho, ho, ho! No, later?

Wait a minute.

What is this shit?

Sir, no cussing in court!

We don't wanna hear the story of your life.

We just wanna pay the ticket and get the hell out of here!

- I'm sorry, Judge. - Well, look at him!

He's going on and on!

This court herewith binds you over

for a further appearance,

to be held at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon.

We so deem for the public and common good

that you be confined herein.

So for now.

- No, Judge! - What are you kidding me?

Good night, Irene!

What's the point in that?

They're clean.

No drugs, no guns, nothing.

Ah, just another batch of hot-pistol,

lily-water city chickens

to run through Grandpa Alvin's trick house?

When I'm gone, you'll be reeve,

and you can run things any way you want.

Until then, you just do your job.

So help me, Dennis,

I'll cut you out of the will.

You won't get so much as Flossie the nag.

I always do my job, and you know it.

But I don't mind letting you know

my duties end right here at this bench.

Oh, fine. Go suck a bug.

Are you okay?

What are we going to do?

- Oh, Fausto. - What was that for?!

How could you be so insensitive?

What do you mean? What are you talking about?

Fausto, you better do something about this.

Nina, you're pulling on my coat. Now, cool it!

I had us out of here!

Then you had to go and open your big mouth.

You had us out of here?

We would've been here another two hours,

listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm,

or wherever the hell we are!

I knew that I couldn't depend on you.

Listen, I don't need this!

I was just trying to drive us to Atlantic City, for you!

- Oh, is that right? - Yeah!

You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Miami, baby, here we come.

Yeah, you can spend

- all your money on me. - Here, take this.

Oh, baby, I'll spend-

Have they got a Jacuzzi in this place?

We got company.

- Want this? - Nah.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Pass it back.

- Gimme this! - Oh, God.

- Get rid of the bottles. - Gimmee that!

- Here, you take the bottle. - Get rid of the bottle.

Hey, Arty, don't give

your real license again?

- Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

- Where's the pot? - Would you shut up?

No, I want you to pass it to me.

- No! - Did we stop?

It's under the seat.

- Where's the bottles? - Shut up.

Good evening.

Driver, step out of the car please.

Okay.

Good evening, officer.

Chief.

Driver's license, registration,

insurance, and fitness certificate please.

Okay, Arthur, have you been drinking tonight, son?

- No. - I had a couple.

So what? I'm fine.

I'm afraid you'll have to blow.

Blow you?

To get out of a ticket? Forget it, Tom.

That's not funny.

I meant you'll have to use a breathalyzer.

I'll blow him.

Maybe later, next century.

- Let's go, son. - Ooh.

Oh, come on, officer, we were-

You blew double drunk within the village limits.

You're going with me.

Sure. Whatever you say, officer.

Say good night, copper.

Please. Please, no.

Don't kill me.

Chiefy, pal, I was only kiddin'.

Okay.

- No! - My God!

And will you look at his face?

Is that nose rubber?

Hey, I don't want you. I want Judge Wapner.

I have to plead the 5th dimension.

Okay. Okay.

Well, let's see here, what we got.

We got your, crack and ice cocaine here.

You got your pills and your vials of coke,

snorters, and pipes, and grinders, and,

got your gun here, and you got your switchblade knives.

Well, since you're all havin' a whirl of a time

on some some kind of a hopped-up date,

I believe that we can get this all over relatively simply

and have you people on your way,

so step forward to the bench please.

Hey, see that? Thanks for understandin', Judge.

You know what I'm saying?

You take care of this. I'm gonna go out for a smoke.

Go for a smoke?

Dennis, they've got guns, drugs.

One of them tried to kill ya. I'm staying to watch.

Okay, I hereby find all parties culpable

in these matters as charged, and so choose to inveigh

the maximum levy for these violations,

and do therefore deem that you be conveyed

to a wholly, oh, awful place of execution,

wherein you shall be put to death.

What's going on?

Yes.

What the hell's goin' on here?

I'll tell you what, there.

I'll give you all your coke

and your grinders and spoons

and pot, guns and knives, and all that back to you,

when you come out the other end.

Look, I'm sure these are reasonable people.

They'll have to entertain some kind of an offer.

They're coming.

Okay, folks.

Get up here for supper.

See? Reasonable people, supper.

Supper.

A little white wine, arugala salad, maybe some pasta.

Welcome to supper.

How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?

Thank you, Judge.

You know, there's nothing better

at the end of a long day on the road,

than a nice, warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.

Here's to good friends.

Does he treat all traffic violators this graciously?

Only the ones he takes special interest in, like bankers.

Ants on a Log, ma'am?

Yeah, I'd love one.

- Cousin? - Oh, ants. Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, folks.

I'd like to introduce my granddaughter, Eldona.

She's single and the best Class A mechanic in five states.

She's adorable, Judge.

She'd make an ideal wife too.

Genuine wage-earner.

Struck dumb at birth by a thunderclap.

My kinda woman.

I think the two of you'd make a perfect couple.

You look pretty this evening, sister.

Doing something different with your hair?

Eldona, would you please prepare the meal?

Thank you, dear.

- Wanna see the wine list? - Young man!

It is basic human politeness

to share your conversation with the whole table.

So what's on your brain?

Alvin, I was just thinking,

you've got enough, vintage steel around here

to make a few thousand Toyotas.

Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?

There you go! Does the Pope wear a hat?

Was Sergeant York's mother an angel?

And will a banker grope for money?

I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.

Yeah, well, all I know, is in '17,

after they shipped me off to fight,

some New York financier rolled in here one day

and hoglowsered and tubwangled my grandfather

into mining the whole place out,

in exchange for shares in something called

the United Coke Company.

Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?

Just about the finest outhouse wallpaper you've ever seen!

We were forced to become what you drove through today,

a burnt-out coal field, and the biggest icebox graveyard

east of the Ohio foundry belt.

And that's why I never let a banker go.

So your grandpa made a lousy deal. Is that our problem?

Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.

I believe it is.

You should do a book.

How do you like your dog, folks?

They're serving dog?

No, no, no, hot dogs.

Dutch Country Herefords, prize-winners.

Hot dog.

Stadium franks, you know,

like they had before they brought in night games.

Okay. Let's eat.

Here's how I like 'em,

and I suggest you have 'em the same way.

Go ahead, there, folks.

Fix yourself up a couple of dogs.

Wha?

Whatt was that?

Just the mine fire, burnin' since 1926.

Nothing that'll cause us to interrupt our meal.

He hopes.

Come on, now, mix up them condiments the way I do!

That's enough.

I'm gonna flip out. Get behind me, baby.

You people are sick, wicked,

funky, misanthropic, codependent animals!

And I won't have my sister,

who was once the queen of the Mardi Gras,

sitting at a table, with a pickle-shooting train!

He's right. We gotta go.

Ai!

Fine.

Come on, baby.

Ervilla, put that up. Use the dogs.

- Run! - Bastard!

Take your hand off her!

Ooh! Ah!

That's more like it.

Eldona, if you would please, show them to their room.

Easy.

Where do you work out?

Those people have no dignity!

Fausto, you were a hero!

Oh, Fausto, and they had such ugly, ugly food!

Fausto, what is that smell?

It smells like Sao Paulo.

- Toxics! - Toxics!

- Oh. - Oh, baby, we've got to

- swim through that. - Oh, no!

Fausto, Fausto, you're not going

to make me swim through toxics, Fausto!

I cannot believe it!

Baby, we've got to get to the freeway!

Ah, no!

We've got to get to the freeway.

Fausto, I don't deserve this.

- How could I- - Close your mouth.

Okay.

Oh, don't let me go!

Oh!

Fausto!

Come on. Come on, let's-

You haven't got the correct time, have you?

My watch is slow.

Let me see if I can get a fire started.

Fausto, we did it.

- We did it! - We did it, man!

We did it!

Carlo Rossi to the Bahamas, man.

- We're going to the Bahamas! - We're going to the Bahamas!

Have a nice time.

- We did that. Let's go. - Ai! Ai!

- Let's find a road. - We hitch hike to a truck.

- Okay, we hitch hike. - We hitch hike to a truck.

That is completely-

Congratulations, folks.

You made it across our gully.

You should get a prize.

Please, let us go. Let our friends go.

We're rich. We'll give you anything.

- Solid. - Liquid.

Rich.

What am I gonna do with money?

All I do is work for the reeve since I was eight.

I got free room and board.

Only you have the power to help us.

Dude, it looks like you need a nice

couple a-weeks holiday, you know?

Nice. Time off from your job.

You peeled the correct banana there.

Leisure time. Kick back.

Nice. Fish tacos.

Quick, hide.

- Oh! - Go on.

It's my cousin! Come on!

The original, all-purpose Ditch Witch.

Hide! Get down!

All of this is about some hustler

who dumped on you, right?

Isn't it?

Well, what about Suntz? Really.

I mean, what were you planning on doing,

when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him?

Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors?

That's a hell of a way to break up with a guy,

if that's what you're doing.

So you picked the wrong guy.

Happens to the best of us.

I've been through this.

You know, when it comes to love,

there's no accounting for taste.

Hell, I used to be married to Imelda Marcos.

You don't have to put yourself through this.

Guy like that's gonna end up burying himself anyway.

He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.

Oh, I'm just such a jerk.

I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy?

I mean, I'm.

I'm so trusting and so gullible.

I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover.

I mean, I'm such a sucker.

I just love a pretty face.

Oh, it's,

oh, it's so embarrassing.

Oh! Ooh!

I better lie down.

Oh, you're nothing but trouble.

Ooh! Oh.

What the hell are you doing?

That wasn't me. That was the bed.

Let's get out of here.

Up here.

Come on.

In this room!

This way.

There's got to be a way out of here.

Over here.

Must be the nursery.

- Bat room. - Ew, guano.

"Marjorie Valkenheiser. She forgot to duck."

Jesus, it's moving!

Oh, no!

No! Oh, oh, no!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, Jesus. We got to get out of here.

How far does this go?

It goes all the way to-

Oh! Oye!

All the way up to here.

Are you all right?

It's a blind staircase.

- Maybe I can, oh! - Let me see. Wait.

Pull that one.

Got it. Go on.

Jesus, look out!

You all right?

I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

We're trapped.

Wow, look at all these IDs.

What is this?

There must be thousands of 'em.

Passports and Auto Club cards.

Wow, a license, "Virginia Horse and Trappings, 1896."

"Statewide search for outlaw biker gang underway."

"Busloads of Hare Krishnas disappears. "

"Ex-Nazi rocket scientist vanishes, '49."

All these IDs match the, the news clippings.

Look at this.

"Jimmy Hoffa still missing" and here's his ID.

Are you kidding?

Oh, wow.

You know, I think they've been doing this

around here since the 1890s,

and I don't see any reason why they're gonna stop at us.

I mean, look at this.

They're all criminals and creeps.

Bankers.

Exactly.

Nah.

What happened?

Oh. I wish we were on that train.

Me too.

Good luck, slick.

Hey, look at this, it's a slide.

Yeah, but this is no playground.

Could be a bed of spikes down there.

Let's go.

- Come on. - Go. You go. Take it slow.

Oh, shit!

Diane!

Diane!

Where, why, what, what, when?

Oh, no!

Oh. What the?

Chris?

Chris?

Come on.

Chris! Chris, you get down here right now!

Come on.

Oh, yeah. Yes, always was a good-looking fella.

The Beemer.

The Beemer.

Oh!

Fantastic.

This is Cell-net One.

The system to which you subscribe has no agreement

- with our service. - What?

For you to make-

Gee, we have to finish this work

for Grandpa Alvin, okay?

We're always working for him.

He treats us like we're his dogs, not his grandsons.

We got no human rights.

He's just mad that we both got so fat, we couldn't

finish high school.

You're the fat one,

because you always eat too much cereal.

You're the one who's fat.

Not as fat as you.

- You're the fat one. - No, I'm not.

Look, just get the hammer.

I got it.

Can't you hold that straight?

Hey. You're the one who's forging.

Can't you even see?

I can see you're stupidest!

Oh, that's it!

I am never working for you

in this foundry again.

Never!

Give me that. Go get a ball-peen hammer.

No!

You know, the one that's round on the end.

I know the ball-peen hammer's round.

He thinks I'm his child!

Oh! Trespasser!

Get her! Get her!

Oh!

Stop, trespasser, stop!

Hi.

Eldona's got her.

- That's good. - Yes, that's good.

Eldona's got her.

- That's not good. - No, that's no good.

No! What are you doing?

- No, Eldona, no! - Please stop!

Oh! No, no, no!

- No! Don't do it! - No! What are you doing?

No, no, no!

Don't throw her in the mine fire vent please!

We just wanna play with her.

Ooh, thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Yes, yes, yes. I know, I know.

We won't lose her.

Hi. I'm Bobo.

That's L'il Debbull.

Hi. We're not allowed in the house.

Oh. Is she okay?

Judge Valkenheiser.

- Judge! - What?

I got some speeders! I'm bringin' them in.

I'll meet you in the courtroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep all your fat parts in one place.

I'll be right down.

Alright, that's it, fellas.

Right up the stairs. Right up there.

Here we are, gentlemen.

Come along. Join the party.

Thank you very much.

Come on. Everybody comes.

Man, would you look at this place?

It's like extremely Draculated.

White man's heaven.

One at a time. Here we are.

We're home. Let's go.

One, two, three. Lickety-split.

She is one ugly, cross-burnin',

redneck, peckerwood police bitch, man.

All right, move.

A good man's work is never done.

Sat around all day,

listening to all those stories.

Why, I wanna relax and just.

"Village Reeve Hurt in Foundry Blast."

So that's what happened to the poor, old, ugly pus-bag.

I thought I took care of my vermin problem last year!

No!

I'm glad I forgot my pistol.

Bad call, corn flake.

I left that leg in France.

And now, I'm gonna stick you!

- You're crazy! - I'm gonna dig so many

new holes in you,

you're gonna look like a salt shaker!

Get your Italian loafers out of my bedpan!

You crazy! Crazy!

I'm gonna make you cry now, boy.

Chew on this, you stinking relic!

My skunk!

You know, you are worse than a week of yellow shit storms.

First, I find you rooting around in my private things.

Now you're making advances against my little granddaughter.

I was just trying to get away from you.

I ran into her, okay?

Well, she's got your taint on her now.

Taint.

No choice but house policy.

Fine. House policy.

What's house policy?

Well, whatever man touches her is the one she keeps.

What?

What are you talking?

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

Oh, no. Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

I just went through a goddamn stop sign.

I just wanna get to Atlantic City. Please, judge.

She'll know what to do with him.

What the hell is that?

Okay, what's goin' on? Boy!

Oh, 12:30, isn't it?

It's kind of late.

I was dreaming there, I was back in France on furlough.

Step forward, Constable. What are the charges here?

Speedin'.

75 in a 50. In a hearse.

If it's an ambulance, you got a chance.

If it's in a hearse, gotta be worse.

Okay.

Oh, this is a union card?

What are you, mine workers?

Nah, man. We're musicians.

We're a hip-hop band.

See what I'm sayin'?

Hip-hop? Musicians?

So youse, youse all musicians?

Yeah. Deejays.

Constable, you search the vehicle?

Oh, yes, sir, I did.

It contains musical items.

Well, I,

well,

I'd better see 'em.

Bring 'em all in. Set 'em up.

Let me see 'em.

All right. Let's go.

Eldona, you know he's not supposed

to see you on this special day.

Special day?

What is it, Halloween?

Right this way, Mr. Snappy Comeback.

Hey, after this, you can see us

do our tag team wrestling show, okay?

- Three. - Okay.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Two.

- I win. My deal. - No, no, no, no.

Bobo wins, because Bobo's hand was on top.

Yeah. My hand's on top.

I win. My deal.

No, I won. My deal.

My hand's on top.

My deal. I win.

That's right, L'il Debbull.

It's Bobo's deal, because Bobo's hand was on top.

- Ah. - Yeah, my hand was on top.

- I win. My deal. - Okay.

- Okay. - If I win again, I get

another bowl of cereal.

And if I win, I get Diane.

No, L'il Debbull.

My deal.

Okay, Bobo. Deal 'em.

Drop the beat, J.

Yes.

Yep.

You sure are a gaggle of musicians, sure enough.

And now, the disposition of your case.

Gather in a little closer there.

That's right. Right there. Yeah.

In light of your contribution to the common good,

I hereby waive all fines, suspend all sentence.

You're free to go.

Hey, hold the harvest.

There is another matter before the shire court this evening,

and, well, youse all might be able to help.

- Where's Diane? - Oh, she went home.

Listen, I got something better for you.

First, I think you oughta know something.

In many cases here,

I do often choose to inveigh the maximum levy.

Frequently, undesirables are put to death.

Oh, sure, I can understand that, Judge,

but come on, death for running a stop sign?

And for being a banker. That's the double death.

However, I'd be willing to cast aside all findings,

be blind to your banker's blood,

let you live out your days here

as husband to my granddaughter,

father to her child and heir to my seat.

Wha? What are you saying?

It's death or Eldona?

Oh, come on, lad. Take her hand.

Warm my tired old heart.

I know women. She loves you.

Ever since she saw you,

she's been floating around like milkweed in a spring breeze.

Make her happy.

Take care of her needs,

and you'll inherit a fortune Ali Baba would crave.

Listen, Judge.

You know, I've spent some time alone with her,

and she's a spectacular woman.

She's quiet but, just shy, just shy.

- Mute. - Ah.

But, Judge, as far as her needs are concerned,

I could never presume to be able to fill them.

Oh, you can slip on a pud collar.

Now, let me get you out of these cuffs and chains,

and everything, I'll get you all married up,

and we'll welcome you to this family

with an all-night reel.

- No cuffs? - No cuffs.

Pud collar.

Well, I must say, it sounds awfully tempting.

- Hit it! - Yo.

Drop it, J.

That's it. Begin.

Yo.

What it be? What it be?

In her own way, she's kind of special, isn't she?

You'll never have car trouble.

Okay.

The district and commonwealth,

hereby duly recognizing the will and wish

of a man and woman,

to enter the holy and life-binding state of matrimony,

herewith confirm that you, Eldona Marjorie Valkenheiser,

do take to husband, one Christopher Lawrence Thorne.

And you, Christopher Lawrence Thorne,

confirm that you do take to wife

one Eldona Marjorie Valkenheiser?

Pardon?

What? Speak up!

I do. I do.

This office so recognizes

and certifies this union

and declares that you are now wedded man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yeah!

Well, Judge, they'll be plenty of time

for that on the honeymoon.

You may kiss the bride.

No, not in front of all these people, Your Honor.

Now!

Yo, way to go, homeboy!

All right, so let's get out of here

before the old man changes his mind, all right?

- Yeah, okay. - Wait, wait! Help me!

- We're out of here. - Wait! Help me!

- These are dangerous people. - Come on, man.

- It'll be all right. - No!

- It'll be all right. - No please!

I was nervous at my wedding too.

- No! No please! - Never mind him.

He's just got the wedding night jitters.

It's okay, just go on out

- the way you came. - They're maniacs!

I'll open the gate and flip the bridge for you.

You be cool, man.

Hey, well, bye. You weak-livered puffball!

Damn city-workin', yuppity well wallet!

Look how you hurt my granddaughter!

Ah, you ain't family material anyway.

No, Judge. Come on, Judge.

No, I tell ya, I wasn't.

No, judge! Why?

Ah, Judge, ah!

Wait! Nelly!

Come on, Judge! No!

So long, Charlie!

Come on, all right? What the hell is this now?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh please, god!

Guaranteed you're gonna enjoy this ride!

Oh, god! Oh!

I'm of the school that believes

the last 30 seconds of a person's life

ought to have a little zip in 'em.

Oh, Judge! Hey, listen, I'm sorry I called!

Oh please! Oh please, God, no!

Judge, I'm sorry, please!

Oh, no, I love Eldona!

I love your granddaughter!

She's beautiful! Oh!

Oh, no! My, hey!

Please, God, help!

Please, God, stop!

Oh, no! Please, God!

Oh please!

Oh, God.

Oh please, dear lord!

Please.

Please, God, I.

Thank you, lord.

- Oh. - Damn thing blew a belt.

Tell Eldona to go and fix it.

Easy on her, Grandpa. She's mighty broke up.

- Oh yeah. - I'll get him.

Don't let him get away!

Bring that girl out to the Gradertine.

Diane? Diane?

Come on! Eldona!

Okay!

You go on, get out of here!

Get out of here, you big slushbag!

Go on back to your hole.

Excuse my grandkids.

They're all spoiled pulp rotten!

- That's right. - Too much too easy too soon.

Yeah, kids today, I know.

Thanks.

Want a mint candy?

Oh, No, no.

Missy, I sure do hate to cut and shuffle

a fine little muffet like you.

- Oh, yeah, me too. - But I will,

if Joe Polo don't show!

- Now, he hurt my family. - Ah, okay.

Now, child, you'll walk free, scot-free, right outta here.

You just get on the two-way now

and tell Mr. High-class to come on in.

Okay, I'll talk to him.

- I'll talk to him right now. - Okay. All right.

You okay, Judge?

See?

Wow.

You see that?

Now somebody's gotta pay

for the way they sapped this ground.

- You want your pills? - Ah, I'm all right.

Hey, hotworm!

Listen!

We got your pretty little girlfriend down here,

ready to go on the Gradertine for a quartering.

But, because she's a bright-eyed, smart-lookin' type,

I'm willing to make a trade.

You lie down in her place, she goes free.

We'll all be happy, including you.

Here, here, you tell 'em.

Where the hell's that dog-food-eatin'

grandson of mine, anyway?

Dennis! Here, you talk.

What's going on with him, anyway?

What, is somebody not giving him his napalm?

- Is he all over. - Chris?

Hi. It's Diane.

Listen.

Run! Run for your life!

Save yourself! Tell the world about this place!

Just touch.

Oh, boy.

You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl.

You got five minutes to come on in,

or she gets cut and shuffled.

Fine, now, no gallantry and no suicide stunts.

You just come on in.

Come on, now. Be a real man.

Surprise yourself.

Save the woman.

Give yourself up for the girl.

She'll cry over you for weeks.

What's the matter, boy?

Ain't she worth it?

All right, you old liver spot.

Sorry about this, Diane.

But we have to tie you down, like Grandpa Alvin says.

I wish it was him we were tying down

- instead of you. - Yeah.

We don't like him, but we love you.

This is a classic case of a dysfunctional family.

I mean, you should consider some help, some therapy.

He won't go!

Okay, cowboy. Last chance saloon.

I'm gonna count down from 10.

If I don't hear your voice by the time I get to one,

I'm gonna cut her!

- Oh, don't! Oh! No! - Eldona, get them blades up.

Eldona, hey, listen.

You wanna, why don't we go to New York?

I'll take you to Elizabeth Arden.

- We could do a lot. - 10!

Guys! Get me outta here!

Nine.

Come on, now, banker!

Eight.

What's wrong with this little girl here?

She a bad kisser or something?

Seven.

Chris, I really didn't mean

for you to save yourself!

Get your ass back down here and save me!

Six.

Chris, get down here!

You ain't giving me much choice, boy.

- Five. All right, now, boy! - Please, Chris!

Last chance saloon!

Four.

- Don't! - Three.

Two.

One.

Diane!

- Help me! - It's me.

Oh, God. Hurry, get my hands.

- Hurry! - Let's get outta here.

- Hold on. - Oh, my god!

- It'll be all right. - Get my hands!

What the hell took you so long?

Okay, oh, get me out.

Oh, I knew you'd save me.

I think I dirtied my diaper.

Oh, get me the hell out of here, Chris!

He's fly-dickin' with me!

Eldona, drop those blades!

Get him! Get him!

Shit!

Hey!

Get 'em! Get 'em!

Get 'em!

Who are the infant bodies?

Bobo and L'il Debbull.

They're not allowed in the house.

Hit that spotlight,

- okay? - Okay.

So what do you play when you go to Atlantic City?

Blackjack? Craps?

Got to find them!

I don't think they saw us.

- Come on. - Okay.

Excuse me. Coming through.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

We'll never get across this.

Oh, no. Let's head towards the train.

Come on, through the woods.

Smells like Sao Paulo.

Who's that man that was with her?

I don't know.

I don't know, neither, but she got away.

You're the one that was supposed to be watching her.

Diane is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I feel stupid.

Bobo, shut up and drive!

There they are!

On the hill!

Get 'em before they get to the top!

Stop them!

Okay.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hey! - Hold on!

Stop! Hey, stop! Stop!

Hey!

Now!

Come on!

- I'm with you. - Right!

Come on, reach!

You can do it! Come on!

I can't make it.

Trust me.

Come on, reach out!

Come on. That's it!

Damn it! That's it!

How did I miss that one?

We gotta get some help.

As soon as the train stops,

we'll get off and call the police.

You saved my life. Thanks.

It was worth it.

- Bye, Diane! - Diane.

- Bye-bye! - Bye, Diane.

Then we had that spinning bed,

the door flew up, and we came, got up into that, attic.

Up in the attic.

With the newspapers and the, all those licenses, and then.

Yeah, that's pretty much where we found all the licenses.

And then, and the newspaper clippings.

We kind of sat down, which matched each other.

And had a cigar.

We were smoking a, relaxing, and.

Yeah, there was no way to know, I mean.

All of the.

It said Hoffa was still missing.

What was that?

As far as we knew, he was still there.

An escape hatch, or whatever?

Oh, we ended up in a tunnel.

Anyway, this door opened, and we went flying.

Bobo and L'il Debbull saved me.

Luckily, I was able to hear it.

And we climbed the cliff,

till we got on the train,

right after the fuel dump explosion.

We think maybe the Brazillionaires have been killed.

That's dead.

You folks, of course, will have to come with us

for identification purposes.

Wait a minute.

This man removed his nose and upper teeth,

three inches in front of my face,

and started crooning like Bing Crosby.

I'd like to help out,

but I'm pretty sure I can pick him out in a lineup,

you know what I mean?

We could do it.

We?

This is the state attorney general.

We have a warrant to search these premises.

Why don't you just blast your way in?

First, we have to serve the warrant to someone.

You know, I bet we could get them to come out.

Us?

You know, Miss Lightson doesn't have a bad idea there.

Well, I suppose it's worth a try,

if you two are up to it.

It'd be our pleasure.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Can't wait to see his face when he gets a load of this.

Okay.

Yes?

Well, what's going on here?

Who are you?

Why are you bothering an old man?

You're through, Judge.

Oh, you kids better look out behind you.

There's a bee's nest.

Hi, Judge Alvin!

Evening, troopers!

Can't go too far in this part of the world,

without running across my friends.

Alvin is something, isn't he?

And of course we can't admit

that we appreciate the way he gets things done.

And since you know what you know,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to come to some kind of a-

It's the coal fire!

The seams are giving way!

Run for your lives!

Come on, grab me! Grab me!

I'm not gonna lose you now! Come on!

Gotcha.

Hey, what's all that shaking?

I don't know.

I didn't do anything.

- You all right? - Yeah.

My Beemer! Get in!

No. Come on, it won't start.

It's got a fuel cut-off switch.

It's part of the alarm system.

No seat belts.

No roof.

Oh, my!

Ai Fausto.

That was the most adventurous weekend of my entire life.

When I think about what happened in Valkenvania,

I would do it again.

Not me.

I was like James Bond.

Don't worry, Dennis.

Now that you are head of our personal security-

And my lover.

Dude, your life's gonna be fantastic.

And don't you worry.

No one's gonna touch you or my little Flora de la Luna.

Ooh.

Dennis, listen to me.

Hey, Chris?

Chris, hey, hey, hey!

It's okay. It's okay.

Take it easy. I think you're just having a little napmare.

Oh. Oh.

It's over?

Oh, yeah, it's over.

You're okay, we're safe.

- Oh, god. - Take it easy.

Oh, jeez, what a weekend.

Yeah, no kidding.

But it's okay.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Just rest. - I'll rest.

Okay.

I'm gonna watch a little TV.

Numerous fire companies from New York,

New Jersey, Ohio, and all neighboring states

are barely able to handle the subterranean mine fire

near the town of Valkenvania.

Diane, you should see this.

Our Susan Campost is on the scene.

Roger, this cloud may have a silver lining.

Geologists say the brief, but intense heat from fissures

10 miles below have cooked the upper coal tailings

into a fine, medium-grade crude, over 50 million barrels.

Wait, just, just one second, Roger.

I see one of the village residents

rummaging through the remains.

Excuse me, sir, how do you feel

now that you have lost everything?

At least we all got out alive.

Of course, there's nothing left for us here now,

so we're all planning to move in with my grandson-in-law.

- Oh, no! - He lives in New York City.

Oh, come on, what?

No!

See you soon, banker!

No, what?

No, you won't.