Original subtitles

- Well, I hope everybody likes pizza pockets.

- Oh...

Microwaved appetizers.

I should've thought of that

Before I started tomorrow's easter dinner from scratch.

- That reminds me.

We don't want to miss the morning's worship.

Do you know of any good presbyterian churches

Around here?

I left my directory at home.

- We were thinking that it would be easier

If we all went to our church.

- You mean your...

Catholic church?

- Yeah. Problem?

- I don't know.

- Oh, why not, hank?

It's interesting to observe other denominations.

- Yeah, it'll be like a safari for you.

Who knows?

On the way, we might even spot a herd of lutherans.

- Oh, robert, your dad's so funny.

- Yeah, always with the jokes.

Okay, who else would like to talk?

- Oh, if it's all right,

Peter said he'd be joining us tomorrow.

- Oh, good. Peter's coming.

I had my fingers crossed.

- Can I watch tv now?

- No, frank.

- Then what the hell are we gonna do all night?

- Less cursing, I hope.

- Who cursed?

- You referred to the antipode of heaven.

- What the hell kind of moon-man talk is that?

- Well, there it is again.

- I have an idea.

Why don't we do a puzzle?

- Good thinking, mother.

- Puzzle, sure.

- Puzzle? Okay. Puzzle.

- I brought one from home.

- Ah, there you go.

- I thought this would be nice for easter.

Oh, my.

- "sacred death"?

- Is that a heavy-metal band?

- This must be one of peter's.

It was dark in the closet,

And I just saw the word "sacred."

- A heavy-metal puzzle.

- Look, it says, "500 pieces of head-banging fun."

- Sounds difficult.

- What do you think, hank?

- Well, we're already going

To catholic church tomorrow. We're--

I guess we can just call it a lost weekend.

- Come on, robert. It's late. - Yeah, go home.

You didn't get a piece in all night anyway.

- I got it. I got it!

- It--it doesn't fit, okay? Don't force it.

- Leave me alone.

- It doesn't fit!

- It fits! I'm telling you it fits!

- What are you--

- See? Perfect.

- What are you doing?

And you got spit all over here now.

- Good night, everyone. - Good night.

- Good night. - See you tomorrow.

- Good night, mom and dad.

- Good night, good night. - Sweet dreams, honey.

- That's it for me, mother.

I've got quite a bit of flossing to do.

Good night.

- I'll be there just as soon as I finish this flaming skull.

- Are you coming up, ray?

- Yeah, I just want to finish this section.

- Okay. Night, pat. Night, ray.

- Yeah, good night.

- Here, ray, this looks like it's part of the snake

Crawling on that poor young lady's bottom.

- Yeah, that fits.

You got a good eye for this.

- I think we're a good team.

We're like kareem and magic johnson.

- Kareem and magic?

You know basketball?

- Only what I've learned from your column.

- Really? You read my column?

- Oh, yes, ever since we became family.

They have "newsday" in the library.

- You go to the library to read my column?

- It's only a 20-minute drive.

You're very good.

- Thanks.

You know, I'm thinking of writing a book.

- You are? - Yeah.

Yeah, I tried writing books before,

But I-I never finished 'em.

Same as reading 'em, you know?

But, um...

This one I'm working on,

It's about mickey mantle and his relationship

With billy martin and whitey ford.

Do you know those guys?

- I've heard of mickey.

I don't know billy or whitey.

- Well, they were these great players,

And they all hung out together.

I don't know. I don't know.

It's probably stupid.

- I don't think it's stupid at all.

What does debra think? She must be very excited.

- Oh, I haven't even told debra.

- No?

- Nah, she doesn't even read my column.

- Oh, she must.

- Yeah, not so much anymore.

She used to when we were dating,

And she was all wooing me.

- Well, now she's probably busy taking care of the house

And the children and you.

- Yeah, I guess.

- You know what it could be?

Maybe she doesn't read your column so much anymore

Because she's feeling a little jealous.

- Jealous?

- Well, I wouldn't blame her.

You have such an exciting life, ray.

You meet a lot of interesting people,

And you go to so many exotic places.

- You mean like...Tampa?

- You've been to tampa?

- Couple times.

- Well, there you go.

You know, sometimes I feel a little jealous

Of hank's work.

- He's a high-school principal.

- Vice principal.

But you'd think he was the principal

The way he always comes home with such interesting stories.

And I just want to say, "my gosh,

"what I would give to be a fly on the wall

Of that teachers' lounge."

Excuse my language.

- That's okay. I like how you talk.

I got to tell you, you're a very perceptive person,

And you like sports.

Maybe you should talk to my mom.

- Well, I'm sure she loves your writing.

- Oh, she's another one.

She still hasn't got over the fact

That I didn't become a poet

Or a opera writer

Or her biographer.

- Well, your mother is a strong personality.

But she has a good heart.

I think, in many ways, she's still just a little girl

Who's looking for acceptance and love.

- Hmm. I never thought of her like that.

I've always just thought of her as...

Mom.

- Well, I'm a mom to amy and peter.

- No, I don't think so.

You can't even do this.

You're too nice.

- Aw, thanks, ray.

I think you're nice too.

- All right.

Anyway, this section's all done.

Should we keep going? - Oh, I don't know.

Well, why not?

- Yeah, why not?

So what do you think of my dad?

- I think we should finish the puzzle.

- You all right?

- What are you doing?

- I'm sorry. You--you were on my side.

I didn't want you to go that far.

- It's 2:00 in the morning. Where were you?

- I was doing the puzzle with the lady--you know, pat.

- Till now?

- Ah, it was a good puzzle, and we got to talking,

And I didn't even know how late it was.

She's all right, that pat.

- Oh, I'm glad you two are warming up to each other.

Maybe the next time my mother comes,

I'll tell her to bring a puzzle.

- Yeah.

Your mother's not really coming, is she?

- No, ray. Relax.

So what did you and pat talk about for three hours?

- Nothing.

You know, just...

Family, parents, kids, work,

This book idea.

Turns out she's a big fan of mine.

Goes to the library to read my column.

- What book idea?

- Oh, yeah.

Just--I'm thinking about writing a book.

- You are? You didn't tell me that.

- Yeah, well, I didn't want to bother you.

- Bother me?

I'm your wife.

I mean, I think if you have big news

Like you're gonna write a book, you'd tell me first.

You don't go telling some other woman

Just because she goes to the library for you.

- First of all, she's not some other woman.

She's mrs. Macdougall, all right?

And she doesn't just go to the library.

She walks there, sometimes through a foot of snow.

- All right.

So tell me about your book idea.

- Now? It's 2:00 in the morning.

- Oh, but it's not too late to talk to your new best pal,

Pat macdougall.

- Come on, debra. What?

- Fine, fine.

I'm happy for both of you.

- Hmm. Jealous.

- Well, hank, what did you think of our exotic catholic rituals?

- Quite impressive.

And I thought your father hubley

Gave a very stirring reading of the resurrection.

Of course, that's a tough story to botch.

- It is a wonderful day.

The lord has risen, and now my brunch.

- Peter was very inspired by that catholic ceremony.

- Come on, peter.

When are we gonna have the easter-egg hunt?

- Oh, patience, little ones, patience.

Now run along and play in the garden.

- Hey...

We still got to finish that puzzle, right?

- Oh, yeah. I'd like that. - Yeah.

- Hey, mama, I'll help you hide the easter eggs in the garden,

If you like.

I'm an "eggspert."

- Oh, peter!

- Hey, I'll-- I'll go with you, pat.

- Uh, ray.

Why don't you help us set the table?

- Oh, uh, can't you guys do it? I'm a little tired.

- Yeah, he was up all night with your mother.

- We were just doing a puzzle.

- Mm-hmm. And talking till 2:00 in the morning...

And not just small talk-- very meaningful, hmm?

Him and pat.

- You had a meaningful conversation with her?

- Yeah.

- Just not enough mothers in the world for you,

Are there, raymond?

Hey, peter.

- Hey. You want a chocolate egg?

I've been sitting on them.

They're about ready to hatch.

- So did you hear about your mom and my brother?

They had a real heart-to-heart talk last night.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.

Apparently into the wee hours.

They bonded over your sacred death puzzle.

- What?

Mama!

- Oh, peter, are you all right?

- No! What were you doing touching my sacred death puzzle?

- I'm sorry, peter.

- It is not supposed to be taken out of its box!

It's a collector's item!

Correction. It was a collector's item!

How am I supposed to explain this

At the convention?

"I'm sorry. It's only been used by my mom!"

- Raymond bit off a piece just to make it fit.

- Ah!

You see, this is what happens when you touch my things!

This is why you are not supposed to touch my things!

- I'm sorry, honey.

It was just something to bring the family together.

- Well, it certainly brought her and raymond together.

- What were you two talking about?

- Oh, many things.

We talked about family.

We talked about the idea for a book

Raymond's going to write.

- Ho ho ho! Whoa.

You talked to him about a book idea?

You never talk to me about my comic book ideas!

- Peter, I would like to.

It's just that I have a problem

Relating to characters who eat human flesh.

- Mama, this is my art!

And it's obvious you have no problem

Talking to ray about his art!

- Maybe I should give his zombies another chance.

- So, um, mother macdougall...

Perhaps this might be a good opportunity

To get to know each other a little bit better, huh?

- Oh, I would like that, robert.

- So, um...

What's your favorite color?

- Blue.

- Ah.

I got to go.

- Amy, guess what mom did with ray.

- Oh. I know, peter.

- What? What's going on?

- Raymond was up until 2:00 in the morning

Having a long and intimate conversation with amy's mother.

- Raymond...

Is this true?

- And, apparently, it was pretty juicy.

- No, we were just talking about family and stuff.

- Say, ma, it looks like you've been replaced.

- Well, raymond...

It appears that you will do everything in your power

To avoid talking to me, your own mother,

And yet you seem to bare your soul

To a total stranger.

- Ma, look, there was no baring, okay?

And--and I always talk to you.

You know I love it.

- All right, then.

Why don't we go for a nice long walk right now?

- I can't right now. - Oh, you can't right now?

I'm sure you'd be happy to go for a walk with pat,

Wouldn't you?

- I'll walk with you, ma.

- Robbie, please, I'm busy.

- Pardon my curiosity,

But what exactly were you and mrs. Macdougall

Talking about all evening?

- Nothing to get upset about.

- I do not get upset.

There are just certain subjects I feel should remain

Between a husband and a wife.

- Yes, I agree, hank.

- And, so I am somewhat eager to know...

What did the woman say about me?

- I don't know. She just--

She talked about all the interesting things

That happen in your teachers' lounge.

- Good lord! It was a christmas party!

I do not drink!

I had no idea those little rum balls

Would trigger a slightly salty pirate impersonation.

- Hot damn, hank, I'm starting to like you.

Hey, someone get captain hook a boilermaker.

- Come on, everyone,

You're missing the children hunting for easter eggs.

- You stay away from my son!

- Excuse me?

- Can I ask you-- what is wrong with me?

You talk to raymond. I'm your son-in-law!

I have a title-- son-in-law.

He doesn't have a title. No title!

- I don't understand.

- You violated the sanctity of the teachers' lounge!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- If you don't read my "zombie blood chronicles,"

You're not my mother!

- Look, leave her alone! All of you!

What's wrong with you people?

We--we did a puzzle, and we had a nice talk,

And she didn't do anything wrong, and neither did I!

That's right! I am not ashamed!

You know what was great about last night?

This lady didn't judge me or criticize me,

Which is something I'm not exactly used to around here.

She listened, and she was nice.

And like jesus said,

"blessed are the nice."

he never said that.

- Well, that's what I'm saying!

Blessed are you.

I don't care what anybody says.

We have something special,

And I look forward to many years

Of nice, long conversations.

- I think maybe we should cool it.

- What?

- Well, everybody seems to be so upset

Just because we had a little talk.

- No, no, no, no! Pat!

Don't you get it? Then they win!

This is what they want.

They're trying to tear us apart.

- But, ray, it was just a talk.

- What do you mean just a talk?

This was special.

You don't talk like that with everybody.

- She kind of does.

- Oh.

- Ha, ha! She's nice to everyone.

- Come on, everybody.

The children are waiting in the backyard.

- Ah, the children-- almost forgot about them.

- It's all right, ray.

We'll always have sacred death.

- Hey, I didn't know you needed people to talk to.

Anytime you need support, I'm here for you, dumbass.